Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

 

Sept 28. Gonads watchers, gutter press hacks and punk scholars are warning of “terrible long-lasting repercussions” following the last minute cancellation of tonight’s gig in Guildford. Rumours were rife as a furious Lord Waistrel announced Draconian measures to find out WHO to blame and WHAT the band should do next. These measures include a complete suspension of Gonadian activities and “a full and frank investigation” to be conducted by Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) into the party or parties responsible for what he calls “a complete and unmitigated clusterfuck”. In an extraordinary rant, Waistrel seemed to point the finger at a number of potential suspects including “amateur promoters, Bolsheviks and anarcho-fascist saboteurs”. But the bulk of his rage fell squarely on this band and our immediate entourage, including Gal for “taking his eye off the ball”, acting tour manager Fat Col (“better suited to acting the goat”), actual tour manager FB (for a “long and inexcusable unauthorised absence”), Clyde Ward (for “swanning off to the pissoirs of Hamburg and Beirut and never being here”) and Phil McDermott (for “sodding around in a blasted Heavy Metal outfit”). Even Mrs Management got a dig for “failing to whip the rabble into shape”). Only Wattsie Watts and Paul SkaNad escaped his Lordship’s considerable wrath. He reserved praise for Gentleman John and local fan Expresso Charlie (“for valiantly trying to rescue the situation”) and for Rick Buckler for his “sterling support in the field”.

In a shock move Waistrel then issued a statement SUSPENDING both the Gonads and this BLOG until he is “fully satisfied” things are “all square to move on”. The statement, written in goose blood by quill on antique parchment reads: ‘His most Honourable Lord Waistrel, Grand Prior of the Knights of St George, Earl of Charlton, Baron of Barmaids, first Lord of The Admiralty (a pub in Leicester Square – Ed), Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Jolly Pranksters, and Extraordinary Feudal Knight of the Most Ancient Order of the Pork Scratching, hereby SUSPENDS the workings of the Gonads and their blog pending a full and thorough investigation of the Guildford Scandal. His Lordship furthers BANS the band from rehearsing in Bromley, releasing recordings or arranging concerts without proper consultation. Future gigs, should He allow any, will happen only under the auspices of Human Punk, the comedian Jimmy Jones or ‘other reputable promoters’. (There is then a long passage where Waistrel debates the merits of dividing the Gonads’ live shows into two distinct sets, a punk set and a drunk set, but reaches no conclusion). Finally his Lordship appoints “three great legal minds” – Judge Shed, The Beast and Terence Hayes (PM) (Are you sure? – Ed) – to “ponder the conclusion of Martin Sporrell’s investigation and make detailed recommendations” before he and he alone decides our fate. Gulp. We have no idea when we’ll be back.

Sept 27. The Seer appears in a flash of smoke and a sticky dollop of ectoplasm to discharge his latest insights from the spirit world. The all-seeing soothsayer tells us: “In 2022, Lars Frederiksen will run out of bare flesh to tattoo and will start to ink his internal organs instead. Unfortunately this will result in titanium dioxide poisoning that makes him so unhinged that he changes his name to Fred Larkinson and records an album of Steps covers. His version of 5,6,7,8 tops the charts in 100 countries... in 2021, Colin ‘Fat Col’ Gannon will star in a remake of TV’s Touched By An Angel called Groped By A Pervert... In 2020 Lee Wilson walks into a bar and orders drinks for 20 of his Punk Rock Curry Club associates. When he removes the padlock from his wallet to pay, the shock is so great, that the solitary barman passes out along with the curry clubbers, allowing Lee access to 20 free pints...”

RECORD Noos: New York h/c legends Sick Of It All release their new album, Wake The Sleeping Dragon! on 2nd November 2. It’s their first since 2014’s The Last Act Of Defiance.

Sept 26. Bad news folks. Sadly our Guildford gig on Friday has been cancelled for reasons beyond our control. Apologies to all who were coming. We’re gutted. We might have more to say on the subject when we’ve stopped punching walls and chewing carpets.

Sept 25. A cracking rehearsal in Bromley last night ahead of Friday’s Guildford gig, where you will hear Punk Rock Will Never Die played live in England for the first time this century! It’s just as well no-one from the blog was in the room though as Wattsie Watts reduced the lads to a stunned silence by bolding announcing: “When I blow, I blow!” God only knows what the filth-hounds who write this drivel would have made of that! She says she was talking about her temper, but Fat Col takes the words as “both a challenge and a confirmation of my greatest dream”. Oaf. By the way, the rehearsal studios we use are perfectly located, as they are fairly central to all of us. And judging by the prices we must now be co-owners...

Sept 24. Pirates Press release THE RATCHETS' ESSENTIALS box set on 9th November. It’ll include Heart Of Town, Glory Bound, First Light, Odds & Ends.

The East End Badoes went down a storm in Darlington at the weekend. The punk and Oi charity fundraiser for Macmillan was stuffed with top North East bands, but our man in the crowd, Fat Col, tells us to watch out for Boilermaker. Why did Col go all the way to County Durham on his Todd, we asked. “No birds up there know me so I thought I might get a shag,” he sheepishly replied. Oaf.

Nads Ad: do you suffer from halitosis, B.O., loose bowels and flatulence? Urgh, you smelly bastard!!!

Nads Ad: FREE no-strings cat-sitting service! Just drop off Tiddles with us and we’ll do the rest! – Chef Panny, Kallikas Greek Taverna, Crayford.

Sept 23. Reminder: we play our ONLY full-length UK show next Friday – the 28th – at Suburbs Club at the Holroyd Arms in Guildford. We will have the full band – Gal, Wattsie, Phil, Clyde and Paul. We will have merch. And we will be playing the Pure Punk for Row People set including Punk Rock Will Never Die, Lager Top, Jobs Not Jails, I Love My Love (To A UK Sub), Grant Mitchell, Tucker’s Ruckers Ain’t No Suckers, Oi Mate and many more gems. And because we love you it will only cost you a Jack’s on the door. That’s a Lady Godiva or for non-Cockneys a fiver.

Happy birthday Bruce Springsteen! The Boss is 69 today. Nowadays when he’s Dancing In The Dark it’s probably down to cataracts.

Sept 22. STOP PRESS: We are double-gutted to hear that Chas Hodges, one of our favourite people in the world, has pegged it aged 74. Gal has written an obituary of the Chas & Dave legend (not a word we use lightly) on his blog. He was a brilliant geezer as well as being a cracking musician. R.I.P. Chas.

Here’s the brand new promo video of the Ramones performing She’s The One. The “official” video featuring unseen footage has been released by Rhino to celebrate the 40th anniversary of Road To Ruin, the band’s fourth studio album.

NADS AD: For sale, one large bedridden female. Partially house-trained. All serious offers considered. Contact Colin Gannon, Yeti Services, Plumstead.

Record Noos: the UK Subs will be releasing a brand new EP, Screaming Senile – five tracks of pure punk on 12inch red and black splattered vinyl. They’ve kicked Captain Oi into touch and are bringing it out on their own brand new Subversive UK label. The EP is available to pre-order now, but the launch night will be at the Queens Hall, Nuneaton on 21st November. Charlie Harper is 97... In other noos: Suburban Samurai released a new 3-track EP yesterday, Short But Not Short Enough.

NADS AD: Criminal injuries! Do you want some? Contact M. Sporrell aggressivegooner.com. You plums!

Sept 20. Here are the pictures from Tuesday’s Punk Rock Curry extravaganza. The ones in focus are by Jim Jimmy James:

High Street shut by cops amid riot fears.

Mrs Max, JJ, Barnet & Max Spartan.

Gal with Miss Management & the PM. In the background: Chelsea Dom, the League and Steve Whale (chairman).

Lee Wilson with two pints (don’t worry, he didn’t buy ’em).

The firm tucking in.

Security conscious Miss Management keeps a watchful eye on the proceedings but the BME bottle out.

These are our streets, Gal and the gang secure the premises.

League, Rats Nest, Nads & Crows united against BME tyranny.

Sept 19. Police closed down Sidcup High Street ahead of yesterday’s Punk Rock Curry Club amid fears that violence might erupt between the rival wings of the squabbling grass-roots group, the BME and the SLF (South London Firm). But in the event neither BME leader John King nor his “200 men” showed up for the night which attracted such notables as Terence Hayes, PM, a full contingent of the Anti Nowhere League, JJ from the Last Resort, Steve Whale, Lee Wilson, Connor Kaos from Rats Nest, Matt Sergeant (Chelsea), Barnet Mark (London Sewerage Company), Chelsea Dom, Mandy Crow, Big E (man about Peckham), Mr & Mrs Max Spartan, a Gonads party of Gal, Paul Mummery and Miss Management, official curry club photographer Jim Jimmy James (real name Fred) and his wife Janine (possibly Jan Janine James). See tomorrow’s blog for the proof in pictures. Uber cabbie Sid Roadrage reports: “It was chaos for us drivers! The Old Bill closed down the High Street each side of the Spoons and there were tail-backs all the way to the bleedin’ Beehive. You couldn’t even drive on the pavement. I blame that John King and his oppo Two Ton Tony Madras for fermenting unnecessary division.” He goes on: “By the way Madras is a fraud. I’ve seen him up close and he don’t look no more than 16stone to me. He needs a steak pie inside him. Living off lettuce and pulses, it ain’t natural is it? I had that Penny Rimbald in the back of my cab. What a fuckin’ melt” (Continued for several hours). Apologies for absence were received from JK Herbert (finishing book – those crayons can be difficult), Manic Esso (north of the wall), Shona Wattsie Watts (car trouble), Steve Drewett and Jet Baker (out of town), Millwall Roi (out of trousers), Judge Shed (in Wales), Eugene Butcher (in New Zealand) (what kind of excuse is that? – Ed), Fat Col (on the piss), Stalin (on the pull), Martin Sporrell (on manoeuvres) and legal eagle the Beast (on a case...of neat whisky). PS. We’re told that John King now suspects that Fat Col is the Bitch, having learned that he possesses just one functional testicle as a result of a terrible teenage Whack-A-Mole accident. We pass no comment except to say: The Bitch can spell!

Sept 18. The Press, the first Oi! band in New York City are back with a new three-song EP via Oi! the Boat. Or at least some of The Press are. The band were founded in the early 80s by dear friend and first Gonads’ US member André Schlesinger, R.I.P., the legendary socialist Satanist, private detective, vodka enthusiast and Tucker’s Ruckers expeditionary force field commander. Only 300 of the new 7-inchers have be en pressed so get your arses over to oitheboat.com PDQ.

At last the return of NADS ADS! Today’s first advert comes from a Mr C. Gannon of Plumstead: ‘MEN! Want to enlarge your penis? Send me £10 and a large S.A.E. and get three Beki Bondage ‘whip action’ pictures by return. The first ten orders also receive a rare Wattsie Watts snatched dressing room shot taken seconds before the bitch broke two of my fingers with a carelessly thrown Keith Moon statuette.’

NADS AD: Your divorce is likely to be the happiest day of your life. Whether it’s bitter recriminations, insults, rows or just drunken celebrations we at SPORRELL DIVORCE PHOTOGRAPHY promise to capture all the beautiful memories of your special day. Wall-mounted prints of “the other woman” or “the other man” also available. You lucky people! For info contact Martin Sporrell aggressivegooner.com (no time-wasters, legs do break).

Although we sincerely hope tonight’s PRCC gathering is a peaceful event, we have been inundated with messages of support for the PRCC steering committee with many taking issue with the “heretical and hysterical” BME and their leader. Typical messages include “Down with the King, up with the Curry Club” – Sid The Lip (Sir Knight elect of the South London Pranksters), “Stand firm, brethren” – W. Bro Si Spanner (Cardiff District Master, Grand Black Chapter, South Wales Pranksters), “The age of Kings is over, Malai Lamb Chops all round!” – Steve Knight (Carnivore activist and ELF associate), “The weight of history is with us! Semper Fidelis!” – The Bitch, and from Normandy, France: “Vive le Whale!” – Morrie Le Seur (punk, Oi and poulet au curry enthusiast).

Sept 17. Coming soon: south London’s first punk rock comedy night in aid of Musicians Against Homelessness – watch this blog for details.

Sep 16. New copies of our lyric book, I Lost My Love To A UK Sub... and Other Punk Rock Sob Stories, are now in stock on the shop page featuring forty of our best-loved songs – including the extended version of England’s Glory (‘The Levellers and the Chartists/And in Wat Tyler’s cause/The working men of England stood up to feudal lords...’). All the fun, filth and fury for £4.99 (plus postage). Signed by Gal if requested.

Just out the Dad Brains’ self-titled colour vinyl ep, from Pirates Press. The California band have also posted a video for the song ‘I’m Old’. Dad Brains are a band punk rock fathers. They’re made up of ex-members of No Motiv, The Missing 23rd, Creep Division, and The Fucking Wrath. The 7inch includes digital download.

With heavy heart we return to John King’s on-going mission to out The Bitch. He writes: ‘Early reports from PPGB language experts working for the Ministry Of Interrogation – and in particular Doctor Melanie ‘Mental Mel’ Moore (PPGB, BFLF) – suggest that we are dealing with someone who is (1) perversely fascinated by hospital procedure and either anti-male (an expression of self-loathing?), genitally deformed, or perhaps transgender or transgender curious or (2) from an aristocratic background (note the use of the Etonian term ‘fuckwits’ and a school-dorm interest in vomit and bodily fluids). It is highly unlikely that The Bitch is female, unless we are talking about a Prim Penny who prefers rucksack-wearing stickmen sipping mineral water to stave off the terrors of dehydration to chunkier specimens who love a pint of ale and the company of BME heroes. Whatever the truth, the search has begun.’ An amused King has promised to control his more excitable followers and especially the furious Mental Mel. In closing he says: “The PPGB is here to help. Speak to me Bitch. Step into the light and show your face. I am a good listener.” The Bitch’s reply is best referred to merely as “unprintable”.

Sept 15. John King and his self-styled Beer Monster Elite have apologised to Gal for yesterday’s shocking smears. He writes: “The BME withdraws its accusations directed at Gal Gonad and apologises in full.”’ But he won’t let the issue of Bitch’s secret identity die. “On closer inspection the language is very different and clearly the culprit is not a curry-lover as they talk about something called ‘massalam’,” he says, adding: “First thought would be Wattsie Watts or Miss Management, although it could well be a man dressed up. Someone puritanical. A gender neutral with an irrational fear of hospitals? A transsexual member of Sprite Squadron? I have been in touch with the PPGB’s Minister Of Interrogation and he is sending a couple of church-loving investigators south of the river to track down the perpetrator.” In a move to defuse tension, John adds: “Despite its friendly rivalry, the BME is after all a wing of the PRCC, and Two-Ton Tony Madras From West Drayton has been banned from travelling to Sidcup on my orders. All friends. Good pals. Pint or seven. Full session. Listen for The Bitch. Stray comment. Tasty curry. Lively chat. Raucous laughter. Train home. No internal agg. Only outsiders – pro-EU traitors. PRCC united.” Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner, ELF spokesman) replies: “We welcome this diplomatic solution. We will stand down.” Then he spoils it by adding: “Two-Ton Tony won’t be the only BME affiliate who doesn’t show. Five will get you ten that Manic Esso, the other Lurkers and about 194 of the ‘200’ BME massive will not step foot in this town.” We’ll see.

Sept 14. As the Punk Rock Curry Club tears itself apart, BME leader and spiritual guru John King has hit back at The Bitch with a rambling tirade, in the course of which he outs him/her incorrectly as Gal. JK further claims that the Bitch’s visions reveal “a deep-rooted fear of both beer and spices”, and that Gal (who he dubs The Great Puppet Master) wasn’t at the Euston PRCC meet. He writes “the Euston curry pulled four people, none of them had the surname Gonad”. Except Euston was at least seven strong – Gal, Lee Wilson, Judge Shed, King, Chelsea Dom, Manic Esso and Joe Mangel from Neighbours. A pic of Gal, Lee and Mark Little standing outside the curry-house can be found online to prove he was very much there. 2) Gal is not The Bitch (if we told you who is we’d have to kill you). 3) Fear of beer? The Gonads? Have you heard our songs? If not the lyric book is available from our shop page. 4) Fear of spices? In response to this nonsense we simply point to the well-documented day that Gal took on and beat the Curry Hell in Newcastle. Tight-lipped Martin Sporrell (ELF sergeant-at-arms) tells us: “This is typical of the fake news that emanates from King’s so-called Beer Monsters. We see his claim to be mobilising 200 supporters as a threat. We are mobilising too. Let’s have it.” Blimey.

In response John King is now suggesting that the next PRCC be held in Uxbridge, Middlesex. He writes “Beer will be consumed in The Three Tuns and Queen Anne public houses before a one-minute walk to the legendary Raj on Windsor Street”. Steve Whale (PRCC chairman) responds: “We have no objection to this, all John has to do is organise it.”

Sept 13. A brilliant night as the mighty Rose Tattoo played Islington with fine support from Girlschool. Fat Col reports: “Rose Tattoo were the business! They played 90 minutes and Angry who is 71 didn’t look a day older than he did in 1981. The place was rammo too.” Many Oi Oi faces joined the throng including Dagenham Dave and James ‘JC’ Cruttwell. A full report, plus pictures will eventually surface on Gal’s own blog. For the sake of decency we have removed Col’s thoughts on the best place to stand in the Islington Academy to have “birds squeeze past you, pushing their tits into you and everyfing”. Oaf.

Sep 12. Here’s Gal on Alan McGee’s show.

And here we are after Monday’s rehearsal which was interrupted regularly by Wattsie’s biggest fan – a high velocity orbital drum affair which was louder than Discharge and responsible for more misdirected wind than the Shoreditch Dishoom... (Sadly the electric monstrosity blew Clyde halfway to Cyprus).

The Bitch is back. “The Seer is not the only one who sees the futures,” he or she writes, pen dripping in venom. “For I have had a vision of John King’s pitiful so-called Beer Monster Elite in eighteen months time... and it’s horrifying. For I see the surviving weak and feeble BME members laid out on NHS hospital trolleys, their bloated bodies pumped full of nondescript lager for eight hours every night until they are incapable of saying anything other than “Chelshea”, “Ruts innit”, “We are the famussh CFC” and other gibberish. After several gallons have been consumed, a last orders bell sounds and the hapless hop-addicts are guided by their carers to a flowing trough full of John King approved chickpea and carrot musallam with added dollops of tofu and kale infused cauliflower bhaji. The revolting mixture is so vile the aging ‘lads’ immediately sick it back up into the trough where it floats along for the next poor blob to consume – they don’t notice because the regurgitated vomit tastes identical to the vegan filth they were already eating. Fifteen minutes later, the wretched ‘beer monsters’ are led back to their ward where their oestrogen-swelled man boobs and withered testicles are wiped down by longsuffering nurses who then help the waddling fuckwits into their beds which they immediately piss and shit all night until the whole process begins again the next day...” A shocking premonition but also, we think you’ll agree, a frighteningly realistic one.

RIP. Johnny Strike of veteran San Francisco punk bands Crime who died yesterday. Johnny (AKA Gary John Bassett) was 70 and had been battling cancer for some years.

Sep 11. Gal was the guest on Alan McGee’s Boogaloo Radio show yesterday, a two-hour punk and Oi! extravaganza. Listen out when it’s repeated today and tomorrow. We’ll give you a shout when it’s on MixCloud. Meanwhile Mark McStea’s Generating Steam Heat Boot-Boy Special (including our ‘Noise Bastards’) can be found here.

The Seer’s crystal balls were throbbing last night and the spirits came through (mostly Jack Daniels, we’re guessing). He tells us: “In 2021, instead of moaning endlessly about coming south of the river for the Punk Rock Curry Club, John King and Lee Wilson will finally seize the initiative and organise a club outing to north or west London. Everyone will go. No-one will complain... in 2024 the fortieth anniversary of Infa Riot’s Sound & Fury album will be celebrated, but only by Infa Riot... in 2020, Wattsie Watts will attempt something unusual with a well-greased dwarf’s head. It will take her six months to walk again and eighteen months to fully recover...”

Sep 10. Tonight’s rehearsals were unremarkable except for the conversation topics, including Paul SkaNad’s “things that happened to me on opium”, Phil’s “things a nurse told me she found up lodged up a woman’s privates” and Wattsie’s eye-watering “things a cop told me could be done with a lubricated dwarf’s head”. Honestly the sooner Clyde is back to raise the intelligence level of the conversation with wholesome true tales of golden shower adventures the better.

Oh gawd. The so-called Beer Monster Elite are at it again. A source inside the BME contacts us to report their moaning ahead of this month’s Punk Rock Curry Club get-together in south east London, which according to these straw-sucking, mouth-breathing yokels is “on the French borders”. BME (and PPGB) leader John King was overheard plotting with his round-dodging “colour sergeant” Lee Wilson at Saturday’s Human Punk night at the 100 Club. The usual BME complaints were repeated ad nauseum with King claiming Gal has become the Curry Club’s “puppet master” forcing members to embrace “an upmarket dining experience with high prices, small portions and bottles of flat Cobra lager costing £5 a pop – ‘to keep the riff raff out’…” The Great Leader further accused Gal of “planning PRCC nights ever closer to his house so that founders such as King, Prior and Shed must travel vast distances to join the festivities, and with pub time limited to 45 minutes, it is clear that some feel it is time to make a stand.” The source goes on “The BME is planning to mobilise 200 members for a midday start at Waterloo before travelling south. Their aim is to swamp the club, call an emergency vote and take control. Their ranks will be swelled, they claim, by Manic Esso, Judge Shed, Barnet Mark, Terry Hayes (PM), Two-Ton Tony from West Drayton, a mystery spice-merchant out of Northolt known only as The Vindaloo Kid, and Gal Gonad’s estranged cousin Big Gary Barecock.” King’s propaganda was immediately dismissed by the real PRCC chairman, Steve Whale, who – with the wisdom of Solomon – told this blog: “Brother King is delusional. The PRCC has its historic roots in Lee, SE12. It started years before his involvement and only moved down the road after the Curry Garden closed. Our new preferred venue is reasonably priced and serves lavish portions. Sidcup isn’t exactly Mayfair! The only time we had complaints about high prices was when we moved to London Bridge to accommodate King and his cronies. Besides, we have brethren travelling up from deepest Kent for this occasion so the current venue is entirely fair and equitable”. Less charitably Fat Col then laughed off King’s claim to be marshalling “around 200 BME” for the night. He said sternly: “The south London firm challenged JK to a proper ‘around the world’ drinking challenge involving beer, wine, cider and spirits, and you know how many of them showed up? Not 200, not 20, not even two. None of the puffed-up, beer-bellied, drool-chinned buffoons showed! We would like to remind King, if that’s his real name, that this is a punk rock CURRY club, we are connoisseurs of adrenalin-charged streetpunk and decent rubies. We meet in the Spoons, where drinks are reasonably priced; we have two hours of good ale and then go for the grub. That’s civilised. Under King’s deranged command we’d be in the battle-cruiser until chucking out time and then stumble out to anywhere that’s open – as happened in Brick Lane and Clapham. Well never again!” Amen!! He goes on: “As a matter of fact, in recent years the Curry Club has met in Southall, Tunbridge Wells, Wapping, Aldgate, Euston, Blackheath, Fleet Street and Whitechapel as well as Lee and Sidcup. ‘Sgt’ Lee Wilson pledged to organise a North London meet a year ago but naturally has failed to deliver.”

Sep 9. We will definitely be playing Polyfest at the Dublin Castle on Sunday 4th November. The two-day event, in honour of the late Poly Styrene, raises cash for Rock & Roll Rescue. Lesser bands and artists taking part over the weekend include Doctor & The Medics, Fuzzbox, The Vapors, Toto Coelo, The Shakespearos, Ed Blaney (The Fall) , Modern Romance/The Leyton Buzzards, Gaye Advert and Anita Harris. The entire Germ Free Adolescents album will be performed (Side 1 Saturday, Side 2 Sunday), and the weekend cast of thousands also includes Neville Staple, Knox, John Otway and, Dave Barbarossa. Weekend early bird tickets are on sale for just £22 from here.

Those gigs keep on rolling in. We are in talks to play France next year... confirmation to follow.

Sep 8. A spokesman for Lee Wilson, a Mr. L. Wilson, furiously denies yesterday’s report, but our source is adamant that it happened. (They also claim that the dog had been “radicalised by anti round-dodger campaigners” and is “keen to take another bite”.) Infa Riot are just back from playing California and support the Cockney Rejects at Norwich Waterfront on 23rd November. Don’t miss the Rejects and the Upstarts in London on 15th December.

Sep 7. An inquest has found that Dolores O’Riordan, the lead singer of the Cranberries, drowned in a bath as a result of intoxication from alcohol. An ashen-faced Fat Col breaks his silence to comment: “This is a very real illustration of the dangers of bathing. I never do it, and nor does Bunty.” (And don’t we know it! – Wattsie).

In record noos: A deluxe edition of The Ramones’ Road To Ruin will be released on the 21st of this month, including a brand new full-band studio version of ‘S.L.U.G.’ compiled from existing “stem recordings”... The Ratchets’ new LP First Light comes out on 9th November courtesy of Pirates Press... The Misfits album Walk Among Us will be re-issued on vinyl by Earache Records in November, with the catalogue number Mosh666... Pig Destroyer have released their sixth full-length album, the ear-blistering, brain-bludgeoning Head Cage via Relapse Records. Vinyl version includes digital download... at the more melodic end of things, the Gaslight Anthem’s Sink Or Swim LP is available again on vinyl with a gatefold cover from XOXO Records.

Fact: today is the 50th anniversary of Led Zeppelin's first ever gig... In less reliable news we hear that Lee Wilson has been savaged by a dog in North London! This report on the shocking incident has been filed by ace reporter Steve Scribbler:

Legendary front man Larry Wilson from the renowned grunge band Infra Diet was ATTACKED BY A VICIOUS DOG! Larry told me: “I saw my life flash before my eyes... every gig I had played, every round I had dodged, every woman I had disappointed... I’m still shaking.’ Larry claimed he had “just bought a round” at the Nine Inch Males pub in Tottenham where he can often be found holding up the bar chatting with friends on a Friday night after bingo. Larry went on: “All I can remember was this ferocious white attack-dog coming at me from behind. I have never been so frightened in all my life, other than when I forced to buy two rounds in one night in 1981. I am still in shock.” Eye-witness Dick Power (who cleans the bogs on a Thursday night) confirmed that the incident occurred but said “From where I was standing it looked more like a lick and a sniff to me. Larry was wearing a pair of gold Kylie Minogue shorts so I got a clear view of what occurred. Larry is exaggerating as usual. The suggestion that he bought me or anyone else a drink is frankly absurd.” This blog has managed to track down a picture of the vicious beast in question and reproduce it here. Terrifying.

STOP PRESS. Out now: ‘Rebel Down’ by NEVILLE & SUGARY STAPLE feat. RODDY RADIATION (a.k.a. Roddy Byers of The Specials). It’s the lead track from Neville & Sugary's joint album Rude Rebels. Following the tragic death of Nev’s grandson Fidel, The Neville Staple Band have announced that they will honour all tour dates this week, including Brighton’s Concorde2 on Friday and Saturday’s show at London's Alexandra Palace with Toots & the Maytals.

Sep 6. Why no news of Fat Col, that Dionysian force of chaos, we hear you ask? Well sadly Mr Gannon is boycotting us until we fire Wattsie and replace her with his teenage girlfriend, self-styled “bad girl” Bunty Bigalow. To which we can only reply: no can do mate, which is code for: we will never fire Wattsie, so why don’t you fuck right off and find a girlfriend even half your age you fat fuck?

R.I.P. Count Prince Miller, who has died aged 84. The Jamaican born singer and actor made his name with a reggae version of Mule Train in 1971. He later played Vince in the Channel 4 sitcom Desmond’s.

Sept 5: The Seer has massaged his crystal balls and reached this stunning climax. The great mystic predicts: ‘In April 2019 something of major importance to the global street-punk scene will occur in Berlin... in 2020, Sandie West will be Oscar-nominated for a blockbuster movie based on the charmed life of Garry Johnson but will miss the ceremony after deciding to drive herself to the Dolby Theatre... In 2022, Colin Gannon’s autobiography about his colourful sexual escapades will be banned from schools by the Department For Education not for its explicit descriptions of sex, but for its inaccurate ones... ’ Blimey. The Seer will return with more spooky visions of the future whenever the spirits get in touch. Peace on you all.

At last the return of CONTROVERSY CORNER! We may not agree with this regular item but in the interests of free speech we publish this outrageous rant from The Bitch without censorship. He or she writes: ‘Are Cock Sparrer the most over-rated band in punk rock history? Everyone goes on about them as master songwriters but unlike Sham, the Cockney Rejects or even the effing Piranhas they never had a sniff of a hit single. Yes Shock Troops was good but one decent album 35 years ago does not impart immortality. It certainly don’t make up for duff releases like Running Riot In 84 and tepid old toss like ‘Battersea Bardot’. As for their ‘riot-running’ street credentials, they weren’t skinheads in the 70s so why do they dress like them now? It was ex-Sparrer Gary Lammin who said: “The Rejects were the hooligans, Sparrer were spectators” with their Bovril, pies and scarves. Yours, The Bitch’. Ouch. PLEASE NOTE: the Gonads are huge fans of Cock Sparrer and disagree entirely with this appalling diatribe.

Sept 4. Coming soon, exclusive to this blog, our new correspondent The Seer who will offer his spiritual insights and visions of the future... Exciting!

Sept 3. R.I.P. Conway Savage who died last night aged 58. Conway had played keyboards with Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds since 1990 and had been battling a brain tumour. The band describe him as the ‘anarchic thread’ that ran through their live shows. In a statement, they say: ‘He was much loved by everyone, band members and fans alike. Irascible, funny, terrifying, sentimental, warm-hearted, gentle, acerbic, honest, genuine - he was all of these things and quite literally “had the gift of a golden voice,” high and sweet and drenched in soul. On a drunken night, at four in the morning, in a hotel bar in Cologne, Conway sat at the piano and sang Streets of Laredo to us, in his sweet, melancholy style and stopped the world for a moment. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Goodbye Conway, there isn’t a dry eye in the house.’

Undercover Fest is coming to north London next April. The nomadic three-dayer started in Surrey, then moved to Margate and will now reside in the Boston Music Room and The Dome in Tufnell Park. Expect the usual bookings, such as Sham 69, Slaughter & the Dogs, GBH and S Club 7 (Are you sure? – Ed). They never ask us so we don’t really give a shit.

Sept 2. And the big news continues! Here are absolutely cast-iron forthcoming Gonads gigs: 1) We will play the Great Skinhead Reunion in Brighton in June 2019, along with our mates Doug & The Slugz. 2) We definitely, definitely, definitely play Suburbs Club, Guildford on Friday 28th of this month (September) 2018... and 3) the Carlisle in Hastings on Feb 1st 2019. See ya at the bar!

In less confirmed news... 1) We are likely to play an “unorthodox mini-set” at this year’s PolyFest at the Dublin Castle, North London. 2) There’s a good chance we’ll play Brittany in November 2019 and 3) southern Germany next April... watch this blog for confirmations. But what, you ask, of Punk Rock Bowling? Our source in California assures us it’s looking “likely” adding “There is more chance of that finally coming together next May than there is of Theresa May winning Strictly...”

Sept 1. Big news, folks. We are currently lining up not one, not two, but THREE single releases for 2019. These are 1) our brand new Gonads single Federales 2) A GBX collaboration with California’s Matamoska and 3) A Gonads/Oral split single...

PS. Bigger news is coming in about a week’s time. We can’t drop any hints, but seriously... it’s the business.

STOP PRESS: heartfelt commiserations to our friend Neville Staple whose grandson Fidel was stabbed to death in Coventry the early hours of this morning. Nev will dedicate tomorrow night’s show, at the Godiva Festival to his memory.

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