Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Our shop page is now closed. For merch enquiries email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
Nov 30. The Royal Gonads rumour refuses to go away. This picture claims to capture the moment Gal and Tippy Jay toasted their commitment to the product with vodka screwdrivers in California earlier this month. Shady Suzie, a conspiracy theorist close to Wattsie, tell us: “This was the moment the deal was sealed. The ‘crown’ visible on the top of Jay’s t-shirt is clearly the emblem for the spin-off project. And we believe they were in a bar near Butterfly Beach, Santa Barbara, just a short drive from Montecito, where the Sussexes are known to live. So this is the deal: Gal and Clyde Ward, plus the Gonads USA plus Meghan Markle equals the Royal Gonads – a band, a brand, and a Netflix documentary series. The only unanswered question is: is Sandie West involved?” Blimey.
Nov 29. Gal Gonad moved swiftly to distance the band from Fat Col’s outrageous attack on Human Punk. He told us: “There is no way on earth that our friend John King would have deliberately attempted to sabotage our farewell gig. These clashes always happen, especially around this time of year. We have absolutely no animosity towards John, who is after all an associate member of the band, or towards Sham 69. I haven’t spoken to Jimmy for more than 20 years, but I remember my days with Sham with great affection… although, like many in my generation, I am still haunted by flashbacks of Riverside.”
Gal was then doorstepped by John Weenie (loud-mouthed hack), who asked if the Royal Gonads would involve any members of the American Gonads, the so-called Gonads USA. Eye witnesses say that Gal went unusually quiet before claiming his hearing aids had packed up and slamming his front door.
*In a further development, it turns out shit-stirrer Col isn’t even coming to our farewell gig – he’s going to see the Pirates Of Penzance at the London Coliseum instead. Miss Management tells us, “Colin Gannon hasn’t been to one of our gigs since I banned him for up-skirting Wattsie at the Hope & Anchor in 2015, and frankly I hope he stays banned.” Harsh. But fair.
PS. Our shop remains shut, but you can still a good Black Friday deal from Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) – two black eyes for the price of one. Bargain! (How come there’s never a Black Friday beer deal?)
Nov 28. Fat Col has furiously condemned Human Punk and accused them of “deliberate sabotage” for booking Sham 69 to play the 229 a day after our Dublin Castle gig. Close to meltdown, a red-faced Col told the blog “Human Punk knew the Gonads final farewell flop-out show is on the 6th December, so scheduling Jimmy Pursey’s mob for the same weekend at a venue that’s less than a mile away had to a calculated act. It puts pressure on hard-pressed fans of streetpunk. Money is tight, so many will now have to choose between seeing the last-ever show by a brilliant down-to-earth band who never sold out – for a reasonable £10 plus booking fee – or forking out £35 or more to see that fucking punk rock prima donna Poncey, the ‘registered’ TV ballet-dancer, going through the motions. It’s deliberate sabotage.” Col adds us that he intends to beg Gal to drop John King Is A Veggie from the set next week in retaliation. “Pursey can do one,” he fumed. “He’s just a fake, make no mistake. A rip-off for you and a Rolls for him.”
* Here’s a clip of Jimmy on Riverside to remind you what an 18-carat twerp he is.
*Pursey’s worst songs by Fat Col: 1) Animals Have More Fun 2) Poor Cow 3) Mister You’re A Better Man Than Me (continued The Star, Plumstead).
Nov 27. Wattsie isn’t the only person planning to hi-jack this great band after we finally flop out of all pub and club gigs after 6th December. It seems Lord Waistrel has plans of his own. According to the blog’s tough-talking, hard-nosed New York private detective Joe Bookman, his Lordship’s errand boy Scrotum has been in Manhattan sounding out venues for an outfit called ‘the Royal Gonads’. Former NYPD lieutenant Bookman tells us he has a witness statement saying that Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer is telling promoters that the band is “guaranteed” to feature a minor royal on vocals, and that he is demanding a minimum of $13,000 (£10,300) for a 45-minute set. Waistrel is also said to have had “holiday talks” with his pal Simon Cowell in Barbados regarding a potential album release. According to Bookman’s Caribbean insider (Ever-Ready Elroy), the limited edition colour vinyl LP would be called New Cavaliers Of England with songs devoted to Henry VIII, including Off With Their Heads, If I Could See More Of Jane Seymour, Our ’Enry, Ten-Pin Boleyn and What Have We Got? (Wolf Hall!). An ashen-faced Miss Management tells us, “The band are very much opposed to these so-called spin-offs. Not least because the Cavaliers came decades after Henry snuffed it. Mercifully we suspect Waistrel will have forgotten it by the time he recovers from his next hangover.” But what if he hasn’t? And who would the minor royal singer be? Slippery Ted (bookie to the stars) tells us: “Given his Lordship’s formidable royal connections, the favourites are likely to be Princess Margaret’s granddaughter Lady Margarita Armstrong-Jones or Lady Emilia Windsor, with Sarah ‘Fergie’ Ferguson as a rank outsider.” But he cautioned, “We wouldn’t discount a shock entry into the race like Prince Harry or the Duchess of Sussex.” Blimey.
Nov 25. A furious Lord Waistrel last night dramatically ENDED Wattsie Watts’s reign of pathetique terror after an anonymous insider leaked details of her shocking plans for the band’s future. The unnamed source tells us that Wattsie had plotted to REPLACE Gal with the ‘Weller’ from a Jam tribute act, SWAP Phil McDermott for an androgynous metrosexual teenage guitar wizard and JETTISON Paul Mummery in favour of a toy-boy drummer “within days” after our farewell Dublin Castle gig on Friday week. “The band would have gone out as the Gonads initially but her long-term plan was to morph into Shona & The Aliens,” said the anonymous source (Effete El). We cannot confirm or deny reports that her first choice for a drummer was Animal from The Muppets – seen here with Shona before his unsuccessful audition for her in Greece. Management duties will now be handled by the ever-reliable Miss Management with guidance from Gal’s consigliere FB; pathetique elements of the blog will be restricted.
Nov 24. There is still time to submit questions for the next Ask Gal Anything session, with Queen Wattsie’s blessing – just as long as none of the questions (or answers) are disrespectful of Her Majesty and her pathetique revival project.
Nov 23. Pathetique News! #1: As our exclusive picture shows, our pal Decca Wade’s transformation into Albert Steptoe is now complete. He was last seen urging an unseen gent called “’Arold!” to help him look for Hercules, his horse…
Pathetique News #2: We have banned multi-Oscar-winning actress Dame Helen Mirren from attending our farewell pub show at the Dublin Castle next month. A source close to warrior queen Wattsie Watts tells us: “It is well known in theatrical circles that Dame Helen releases a stream of invisible but highly effective pheromones that automatically enchant and over-power the minds of mortal males. We can’t have her mingling with our celebrity guests (Effete El, Terence Hayes PM etc) and turning their heads.” Quite right. That’s Wattsie’s job. Blog scientific adviser Dr Gustav Neumann tells us: “Ze actress releases a pungent aroma of juniper berries and jelled eels zat cast a powerful spell over any passing men and bend them to her will. Even ze great Harold Shand fell under her tawdry spell.” Blimey.
Pathetique news #3. Richie Rocker has leapt to the defence of moody pop pin-up Lee Wilson over the great pint-gate scandal. He tells us: “To be fair to Wilson – which I’m loathe to be – there is a Fosters logo on that glass. Anyone would leave that shite. Why anyone would drink half of it beats me.” But the ADL (Anti-Dodger League) have hit back accusing Richie of being “an enabler”. A spokesman says: “It doesn’t matter what the beer is, if it’s pure Paulaner or amber piss-water, to leave it is a disgrace and is utterly indefensible. It’s nearly as bad as poncing pints to begin with. This bad judgement will affect Mr Rocker’s standing as a sage and living saint in the saturnine punk and Oi demi-world. Unless of course he makes things right by buying us all a pint at Rebellion. Decent stuff mind. None of that Fosters shite.”
Nov 22. Naturally Lee Wilson didn’t turn up, so vengeance is ours! Here is Lee, of the notorious new romantic synth-pop combo Infa Riot, with the lager he left behind. Lee is renowned as one of London’s leading round-dodgers so it is unlikely that he bought the beer himself. However, the Met Police have confirmed DNA evidence proves his finger-prints are all over the neglected pint glass. Our eye-witness – code name Porphyrios – tells us “onlookers were stunned, non-drinkers could never comprehend the shame of leaving good beer undrunk, our motto is No Pint Left Behind”. However there is some suspicion that Wilson may have deliberately posed for a picture as a desperate publicity stunt to promote his new solo album, Round-Dodgers Do It Better, featuring Teddy Tingle on bass, Max Splodge on drums, and Chelsea Dom on moog synthesiser. Songs on the album include I Can’t Stand Up & Buy A Round, Dodge Around The Clock, My Round-a-Phobia, and the tear-jerking Wattsie Wouldn’t Buy Me A Brown Ale (So I Nicked Her Handbag). The left lager in question is now on display in the snug bar at the Dog And Trumpet, Soho, where notorious dodgers such as Spizz, Scoops, Lee and Eddie Piller are said to have gathered to pay it homage. Our anonymous insider (Effete El) said: “The Dog is a great boozer but you have to avoid the snug. You could spend days waiting for one of them tightwads to go to the bar. Normally they hang around until there’s only one of them left who then sneaks up and asks the landlady for “two Stellas, three pork pies and a double gin on Paul Hallam’s tab”. Blimey.
Nov 21. Here’s Wattsie Watts during her last reign of terror – investigating ‘sexism’ in 2011. Former Gonad Mick Maverick was certainly touched. Lord alone knows what will happen this time around.
Meanwhile, eager to please Her Majesty, we blog monkeys have taken possession of a shocking exclusive photograph that shows Lee Wilson dramatically leaving half a pint of lager in a London pub. We will publish this outrage unless he turns up here within 24hours to buy beers for all of us. Over to you, Daktari…
Nov 20. With Waistrel sunning himself abroad with his latest wife-let and Gal locked away writing, Wattsie Watts has seized the initiative and taken over the blog as part of her campaign to revive pathetique punk and drive ‘sexism’ out of Oi. She has ORDERED long-suffering blog monkeys (us) to find pathetique stories, COMMISSIONED a new Gonads song about Two-Ton Tessa (first mentioned on South London Aggro Girl – Ed) and BANNED us from even mentioning F** C**. Even more worryingly, she has demanded an inquiry into “sexual harassment in punk and Oi bands”. One anonymous blog contributor (known only as EE) told us, “Make no mistake, Wattsie’s measures will constitute an all-out assault on our core values.” (About time – Batttttty). No doubt you will read the terrible repercussions shortly…
Nov 18. Band Statement: We are not turning our backs on you, but we are stopping all pub gigs, all tours and all mini-tours after our Dublin Castle show in Camden on the 6th of December. We will return for the very occasional festival or special event, but that’s it. This is our last London show. There will be surprise guests. There will be FrankenSkin. There will be two support bands. There won’t be a guestlist, other than for people who are joining us on stage. Just a few tickets left.
In an exclusive interview with Mad Wasp Radio, Gal yesterday made it clear that our Dublin Castle farewell show is precisely that. “This is no joke, hoax, ruse or con-trick,” he said. “This is definitely the last chance you will have to see the Gonads play a small UK venue There will be no more pub or club gigs, and no tours or mini-tours in this country. We will still play the odd festival, and maybe genuine special events, but these will be few and far between.” Asked: ‘Is it the end?’, he replied “I think we still have a couple more years of failure in us.” Asked why he’d had reached this shock decision, he said, “I want to concentrate on other things next year, projects that will require a lot of planning and preparation. The Gonads will always be punk rock, I want to widen the scope of the music I create and the platforms I use.” He also predicted a “pathetique future” for Terry & The Tingles and laughed off any possibility of a Fat Col and Wattsie reconciliation. Asked about the long list of allegations aimed at the band by the gutter press, Gal said, “Some of these stories might have a tiny core of truth, but they have grown like Chinese whispers”. Pressed on that point, he admitted that the scandalous Old Kent Road rumour was entirely true but he went on, “I don’t believe the Sticky Vicky-style story with pie and mash and a bucket of piping hot vindaloo ever happened. If it did, I certainly wasn’t a witness. Maybe it was in the MacGonad era, may God rest his restless soul.” RIP Paul.
Nov 15. Be on guard, chaps. Gutter press hacks are said to swarming around us “like hungry vultures circling a slowly dying ox”, ahead of our last-ever London show next month. Daily Mail reporters are particularly keen on amassing base gossip and baseless smears to do the Gonads harm, and are willing to pay “good money in cash” for any damaging stories that would tarnish the name of what their senior executive Slippery Ted has branded “an appalling bunch of foul-mouthed, anarchistic, blue-collar racket-makers”. Our mole, who saw their notes, says some subjects are sketchy – there were unexplained references to ‘Dusseldorf’ and ‘the rock star’s wife’ – but he reveals that the hacks are also working on a long list of more specific allegations, including:
The shocking ‘two groupies, eight ringed donuts’ rumour.
The “perverse activities” of the so-called Golden Shot, and “the size of the splash zone”.
All details of “the Old Kent Road incident – including who was driving and who was ‘diving’”.
The true identity of the so-called “Berlin water-bomber”.
‘Sky Star Search-Melvyn Bragg: photographic or video evidence required.
Judge Dread. Hamburg. Dwarf sex.
Martin Sporrell – expelled from Foreign Legion. Why?
Name the “victims” of abusive songs like Cunt-Teaser, Gob and Got Any Wrigley’s John.
Plus, any information about alleged “groupies” such as Leicester Sue, Dundee Fiona, Danish Birte, Julie Essex, Aberdeen Lil and the “the New York stripper with the snake”. There is also extreme interest in the torrid truth behind “Fat Col’s flag girl auditions at Camelot Castle, Plumstead”, so-called Cucumber Girl and the true meaning of Unky Bunk. Other allegations are so near the knuckle that our mole tells us “the Mail couldn’t print them even if they could prove them – surely no woman could take that much pie and mash? And that quantity of vindaloo could cause internal scarring”. A grim-faced Miss Management says, “We deny all of these filthy, vindictive lies and our lawyers are watching.”
Nov 14. We are banned indefinitely from carrying any more Col and Wattsie stories – by order of Lord Waistrel, who believes such “lowlife guttersnipe gossip” diminishes the good name of the blog. His Lordship wants to keep everything on the level, “locked on the 2025 mission”, and otherwise devoted to news stories and educational insights into the life and times of inspirational characters such as the PM.
Nov 13. Breaking news: The first major line-up for Download Festival 2025 (DLXXII) was announced last night featuring three first-time headliners: Green Day, Sleep Token, and nu-metal numpties Korn. Over 90 bands have been confirmed, including Weezer, Sex Pistols featuring Frank Carter, Jimmy Eat World, Within Temptation, Eagles of Death Metal, The Darkness, Poppy, Donkey Laugh, Loathe, Jerry Cantrell, Spiritbox, Cradle Of Filth and scores more. This year’s fest takes place on 13-15 June 2025 at the spiritual home of hard rock in Donington Park, Leicestershire. GENERAL TICKETS ON SALE AT 9PM TOMORROW. DOWNLOAD FESTIVAL PRE-SALE TICKETS ON SALE FROM 9PM TONIGHT.
Nov 13. Lord Waistrel thinks Wattsie and Fat Col’s love-hate (or in her case, hate-hate) relationship is worth adapting for the stage and has commissioned leading prankster Rick Wakeman to compose an opera. According to our source (Effete El) the plot runs along these lines: A burly fisherman called Stief A’Billy, stranded in the northeast, is trying to get back to his ravishing adopted daughter Wattsie. Caught in a storm, he takes shelter in a run-down but surprisingly magical Sunderland tavern where bacon butties, bags of pork scratchings and pints of Newcy Brown appear at his bedroom door – gifts from the invisible landlord host. The next morning Stief finds a flower garden blossoming among the rusting skips and crusty condoms and plucks a single red rose to take home to his adopted daughter. A horrible fat bloke (Fat Col) then turns up and threatens to throttle poor Stief for stealing from him. Long story short, Col aka the invisible landlord, agrees to let him go on condition he brings his ravishing daughter back so he can marry her. Wattsie agrees reluctantly, to keep her burly stepfather safe. Col lavishes her with clothes, wine and gluten-free grub, and every night he proposes to her with his enchanted hearing aids. Wattsie takes the gifts but refuses his proposals. At night, she has mystic dreams about a handsome young drummer in a Keith Moon jockstrap who she falls in love with. Eventually, Col lets her go home on condition she comes back on an agreed date. When she does return, she finds that Col is dying. She realises she has fallen in love with him and agrees to marry him and, drum roll, when she accepts, Col transforms into the handsome young drummer. They wed and live happily… for at least six hours before an evil curse turns the blushing bride into a fearsome hag at an inconvenient moment on their wedding night. And the terrified drummer runs off with Stief. All three descend into madness. Please note: this grand operatic production will premiere exactly one year after our own Quest For The Golden Goblets, scheduled for 2027.
Nov 12. Ronnie Rocker was quick to dismiss Col’s comic book plotline. The sage of the Northwest writes: ‘Imagine that muppet Gannon thinking he could marry Wattsie! Even in fiction, it’s ridiculous! Surely a better story would be to have Waistrel as a young Mr Grace figure, and Wattsie in the Vivienne Johnson role as his nubile nurse. After Wattsie bends over the drinks’ cabinet once too often, his Lordship finally keels over and leaves his multi-millions to his butler, Scrotum. Wattsie then marries the wrinkled retainer and they honeymoon in a tent on the romantic site of the old Bridgehouse.’ An aristocratic insider (Effete El) tells us, “It’s a beautiful dream and one admires Mr Rocker’s poetic vision. But from my inside knowledge of the peerage, it seems unlikely that Ms Wattsie would be of interest to Waistrel these days. He has never forgiven her for turning down his offer to become one of his wife-lets in 2011. We understand that his Lordship’s matrimonial attentions are now firmly fixed on Miss Sydney Sweeney. And that union probably would kill him.” Trebles all round.
Our resident nerd, Dwight G. Narnia III writes: ‘Mr Rocker is quite wrong to suggest that Colin Gannon and Wattsie’s nuptials would be “too ridiculous even for comic book fiction”. It is certainly not as ridiculous or as unpleasant as when the DC mind controller villain Sleez forced Superman and Big Barda to have sex on camera to ruin their reputations. That was far grosser. And in Batman Beyond, Bruce Wayne made Robin’s girlfriend Barbara pregnant. I suspect either Craig Brackenbridge or Ronnie Rocker himself were behind these sick and unnecessary twists.’ (That’s enough nerd sex shite – Ed).
Nov 11. At the going down of the sun, and in the morning, we will remember them. https://www.britishlegion.org.uk/
Nov 10. After yesterday’s gutting but unavoidable no-gig twist, the Spice Of Life promoters have asked us to reschedule our headlining slot. But this reasonable request has split the band down the middle. Two Nads think it’d be the right and honorable thing to do it, but three argue that playing any pub gig after 6th December would be a breach of trust and would violate our much-publicized decision to quit all pub shows and touring after the Dublin Castle show. “There has to be trust between the band and the fans,” said senior Gonad James Cruttwell. “Especially in the Oi scene where we’re all one.” Quite right. We can’t have the band misleading people, that’s the blog’s job! That difference of opinion pales into insignificance however compared to the proper tear-up that has broken out (yet again) between Fat Col and Wattsie (Get a room! – Ed). Colin has gone out of his way to have prototype Gonads comics drawn up with scripted Marvel-style action stories. The beautifully detailed comics revolve around the FrankenSkin and feature other characters from our songs including the Yeti, the Zombie Skinheads, the Alconaut, the Growler, Spring-heel’d Jack, the South London Aggro Girl and so forth. But Wattsie has objected to the storyboard of issue 6 where Fat Col fights the FrankenSkin for her hand in marriage. A close friend (Effete El) tells us, “It’s bad enough thinking one black-hearted inhuman monster wants to wed her, let alone the FrankenSkin as well.” Insiders (El again) say Wattsie’s “special relationship” with Lord Waistrel means the whole project is now likely to be scrapped before it has even left the drawing board. Poor show!
Nov 9. GIG UPDATE: Sadly, for personal reasons, we have had to pull out of tonight’s gig at the Spice Of Life. The event is still going on with the magnificent LiVES now headlining so please come along and support it. A couple of us will still be there. If you were coming specifically to see us, let them know at the door for a discount. Sorry for the late notice but it can’t be avoided. See you at the Dublin Castle!
Nov 6. It’s official! We will play Rebellion next August. Miss Management tells us, “The Gonads stop touring in December, but we will always be up for special events. Rebellion is England’s premiere punk festival. It is an absolute honour for us to be invited back.” She went on, “We may have stopped playing pubs and acoustic shows but in us and through us, the Gonads live.” Rebellion Festival is our only confirmed gig for 2025 – officially our 48th year of failure. It will be our sixth appearance at the fest. Our last ever London show is at the Dublin Castle on the 6th of next month.
The mystery behind the big news is how the band convinced Gal Gonad to commit to Blackpool. An anonymous source tells us, “Gal has made it quite clear that he wants to prioritise the Garry Bushell Experience/SkaNads project in 2025. He has written or co-written ten new songs with a strong Ska bias and is working with a different team of musicians. GBX is not the Gonads under another name.” Word is Sir Gonad’s conditions for returning to the northwest include a suite at the Britannia hotel, several gallons of Vinho do Fava, 24-hour hen party access, two menopausal ‘PAs’, a personal curry chef to be flown in from the Punjab, and a top-secret collaboration with the people’s tenor Alfie Bass. The mystery insider (Effete El) adds, “His costs will eat up all of the band’s fee, our beer float, the merch take, and all the royalties and residuals from the Dirty Metal Gonads 2 ep. Wattsie is not happy and has launched a ‘Stay Pathetique’ campaign to fight back, using the slogan MOGGA – Make Our Gonads Great Again.” What could possibly go wrong?
Nov 5. The Gonads would like to officially deny claims that JC is a serial photo-bomber. Not only is this slur appalling, it’s also ridiculous, absurd and downright slanderous. PS. There is absolutely no truth that James infiltrated this Kenneth Williams photo-session using the stage name Teddy Tingle, or in the cruel and unnecessary suggestion that he is the secret love child of Private Pike and Charles Hawtrey. His former mother-in-law Wattsie Watts tells us, “Teddy Tingle was a well-known 60s and 70s character actor and star of stage and screen. He was known for his appearances in British comedy films such as Whoops, Where’s Me Loofah?, Cripes – Don’t Tell Carrie, and No Nurse, I Said Prick My Boil before moving into risqué sex comedies like Two Nuns, One Bass-Player, You Look Better In The Dark and the award-winning Gills, Lills, Pills, Thrills & Dildoes. Any suggestions that he is fictitious are fake news and deeply unpleasant.”
In other news, John King is considering doing a BME/PRCC meet next month, but bookies suggest the chances of it happening are about 15-1… Human Punk have got three tasty December shows in the pipeline though – Sham at the 299, The Skids/Spear Of Destiny at Dingwalls and Ruts DC at the 229. You can look up the dates yourself, we ain’t Google… and finally the Jolly Pranksters’ Bonfire Night event will take place at that Kent place tonight. Members only. Bring your own bangers.
Nov 3. Here are some pretty pics from last night’s gig at the B2, Brickmakers in Norwich. We had a ball! Great vibe, good people, and a surprise appearance from original 1977 Gonads keyboardist and percussionist Mark ‘Glad all over’ Gladding. Two more gigs to go, people! Use us before you lose us!
