Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Nov 30. The news in headlines: Lord Waistrel makes our Xmas knees-up a FREE gig! JC is learning all of the acoustic set lyrics as fears grow that Gal will be a no-show next month! Fit Bird confirms that Gal’s next factual book will be the true story of Oi! (Finally! – Ed). And Fat Col pledges to bring his legendary Christmas market stall back next month! More details when we have them.
Speculation is mounting about the nature of the Gonads initiation test that John King must pass in order to achieve associate membership of the band. Online posters claim that the test asks the candidate to 1) Drink your age in pints over 48 hours 2) Swear life-long allegiance to Charlton Athletic FC 3) Eat a bacon sandwich 4) Answer detailed questions on the Gonads back catalogue 5) Make a public hearing-aids marriage proposal to Wattsie Watts in full and fearless knowledge of how pissed off it makes her. Band spokesman Effete El told the blog: “We cannot confirm or deny the nature of the initiation test, associate members take the secret to their graves. All I will say is don’t believe everything you read online.”
STOP PRESS. RIP Shane MacGowan, Kent's great gift to Irish culture. The Nipple Erectors, The Nips, Pogue Mahone, The Pogues, The Popes... singer, poet, dreamer, achiever. Sleep well, Shane.
Nov 26. Incredible scenes as Gal Gonad was temporarily reunited with the band yesterday after an undercover operation worthy of a John Le Carré spy thriller. First, he was led by nubile nurse Nevaeh through a one-way wormhole from Avalon leading to a secret entry point underneath the Charing Cross arches in central London. Here he was met by two old-school Millwall Mods who escorted him to a southeast London safe-house, run by Nick ND – a retired CPFC Holmesdale fanatic – where he spent the night under close protection. On Saturday he rehearsed with the band at a Palace-run establishment. But craftily, photos were held back until today giving Gal time to return safely to Avalon, guided by ageing members of West Ham’s old Mile End Mob. “It was a cunning plan to throw enemies off the scent,” explains Effete El. “Nobody looking for Gal, an ardent Charlton fan, would have taken any notice of elderly hooligans from the New Den, Selhurst Park or the London Stadium. The ruse enabled him to turn up for a necessary rehearsal for 9th December completely undetected.” Confirming that Gal was now back healing on the mystical island, El continued: “It was a clever plan but not without risk, which just goes to show how seriously he is taking this farewell acoustic Xmas show.”
Wattsie was looking particularly hot at today’s rehearsal. Quaffing an imperial pint of champagne top, a passing Lord Waistrel spluttered: “I’d like to know how she bally well does it. Is it monkey glands? Or is there a portrait in her attic? What?!? I notice she doesn’t possess a wedding ring. I’d certainly like to give her one.” He pauses before adding, “And a wedding ring”, but by then the room had suddenly emptied. We knew exactly what was coming and it gets harder to fake the laughter. Poor old soul.
Nov 24. It’s Black Friday! And in our exclusive deal, for the next 24 hours everything ordered from our shop page will be exactly the same price as usual, but each certified order will come with a letter of personalised abuse direct from the desk of Fat Col (well we say desk, it’s more like a stack of pallets disguised by pictures ripped from old Page 3 calendars and letters torn from ancient copies of Forum).
Speak of the devil… a furious Col rings to ask: “Do you people begin to know how serious things are? Do you have any fuckin’ idea?” Do tell, we say. “You’ve got the Rejects’ last club gigs next month, the Nads’ last acoustic show, plus the Gonads, the Business FC and the League are all calling it a day next year. Pretty much every decent band you can think of is knocking it on the head. Will Sparrer be next?” A sobering thought. Will Col be going to any of the final gigs, we ask? “Only if they play Plumstead!” he hollers. “My bladder ain’t what it was.” TMI, mate, TMI. Will he be standing for the PPGB? “No,” he thunders. “The fuckers wouldn’t have me. Sell-out socialist tosspot bastards! I’m Reform UK now!” The line goes dead. There is one ray of hope for lovers of streetpunk however. We understand the East End Badoes have pledged to continue not to play next year as diligently as they didn’t play this year. “The fire still burns,” sniffs Fit Bird. “Like cystitis.”
Thank you for your many enquiries about Gal. We understand from his nurse, Neveah, that he is slowly regaining strength and lucidity, and that the prognosis is “positive”. Tight-lipped spokes-pleb Effete El tells us that the chances of next month’s Xmas knees-up still happening now look “promising” but adds there will be no other Gonads gigs before April 2024 “at the very earliest”. Shit on a sticky stick.
Nov 23. In a further fusion of the broad and rapidly expanding street-culture commonwealth, John King has applied to join the Gonads as an associate member. Wiry band spokesman, Effete El, tells us: “The Gonads are very much a vibrant collective of diverse talents. Carrie Griffiths is an associate member, as was the late Acker Bilk, and we would very much welcome JK Herbert into our ranks as ‘JK Gonad’ so that he too can share in the mysteries and privileges of kinship. He would just have to pass the initiation test as Carrie did.” We ask what the test entails, but the line goes dead.
Editor’s note: The new underground street-culture commonwealth (NUSC) is thought to stretch from youth cultists to the Jolly Pranksters. Its anti-establishment membership is believed to include blue-collar musicians, film-makers, comedians, authors, actors, performers, philosophers, poets, card-sharps, cartoonists, magicians, dominatrices, YouTubers, some sections of the Church Of Oi (official), a defrocked lollipop lady, and several unorthodox political activists, including off-duty members of the PPGB and the anarchist ELF.
Nov 22. The People’s Party of Great Britain are taking “assured steps” to meet the unprecedented Californian challenge. In a statement issued today, the PPGB state: “Late last night, responding to threats to one of its brightest lights, a PPGB unit arrived and quickly embedded itself in the surrounds of Bushell Manor in Old Bexley, immediately putting its muscle and tactical nous at the disposal of Gal’s family while he recuperates on the mystical isle of Avalon. This unit is battle-hardened and eager to engage. PPGB leader John King, meanwhile, remains protected by the 250 King Youth gathered in his local Wetherspoons, with The King’s Own and Herbert Loyal in far closer proximity to their hero. As the nation reels from the lies directed at it by enemies both internal and external, rest assured that the PPGB are determined, motivated and strong enough to defeat the haters. With an election on the horizon, and PPGB believers keen to stand as candidates, the future could well be ours.” To order brethren! The distant sound you hear is the early “feathering” of Drake’s drum, slowly but surely building to a paradiddle. .
This just in: We understand that Fat Col has volunteered to stand for the PPGB in the Erith & Thamesmead constituency. If picked by leader King, Col tells us he would run on the campaign slogan of ‘Who the fuck are you looking at?’ Good to know his diplomatic skills remain impeccable.
Nov 18. Following yesterday’s distressing revelations, we can reveal that the ailing Gal Gonad will stay “off radar” until his body has been “purged” of every invasive ounce of Californian black magic. Major Tom, a source close to Wattsie Watts, whispers that Sir Gonad has been “spirited away on the good ship Albion”, and is believed to be “safe and protected on Avalon” – an island so magical that, according to Prankster lore, only those with a pure English heart can shelter there. Mrs Elvira Muffitch, England’s most senior witch, and her husband Alfie Hook, the Keeper of the Flat Cap of Invisibility, are believed to have facilitated his cross-dimensional journey. Gal will be guarded at all times by battle-hardened warlocks and teams from senior Prankster lodges including Hancock, Orwell, Loyal, Lancelot, Dury, Elgar and Wellington. Miss Management has alerted the Church of Oi, and the PPGB have pledged to put “a ring of steel” around high-ranking members including their stern novelist leader John King, aka “JK Herbert”, and Terence Hayes, PM, aka the worshipful sheriff of Wossname, south Essex. Elite ELF guerrillas are on route to California as we write (and also to southern German, just for the practice). Tight-lipped band spokesman Effete El refused to answer any questions about Gal and said he was “reasonably hopeful” the Xmas Knees-Up would still be on. To order, brethren. Onward, ever onward. In us and through us, England lives..
Nov 17. Dark days chums, as Wattsie Watts reveals that our Gal has been left reeling by “a tidal wave of misfortune and ill-health”, beginning with an “evil, brain-fogging, life-sapping virus that has lasted now for six days”. This severe viral assault has been accompanied by unexpected set-backs concerning the great Gonads Ustreme TV show, now on ice due to alleged “cost factors”, and a tsunami of lesser disappointments. “It has been a sustained attack of bad news and apparent bad ‘luck’, which anyone with an open mind can see is far more serious than it appears, and far more than a coincidence,” Wattsie tells us. In hushed tones, she goes on: “Our occult advisor, Francis Flame – the white warlock of Blackheath – has traced the attack to Shafter, California, where a coven of black-hearted West Coast hippy-witches are working in unison.” She adds: “I’m not pointing fingers but these new age hags are known associates of that infamous enemy of the Gonads, Sandy West (Hollywood Pest). This is not a joke. Gal hasn’t been this rough since the ill-fated 2017 US tour, also involving West. See how the dots join together? Sinister forces are moving against the Gonads and we are making urgent entreaties to the united white witches of England to send healing energy. If these hairy-legged bastards can take down Gal Gonad then none of us are safe.” Blimey. The Jolly Pranksters have been alerted and the ELF are on stand-by. .
Nov 11. Armistice Day. If ye break faith with us who die, we shall not sleep... – Lieutenant-Colonel John McCrae. Poet, physician, author, war hero.
Nov 10. And now the end is near, and so we face the final curtain… The last ever Gonads acoustic gig is one month away. Then, one more year of the pure punk Gonads. And that’s it. Watch this blog for special events, while it’s here. You’ll miss us when we’re gone.
Nov 4. Two bursts of brilliant news! First last night’s album launch gig was magnificent – chaotic, comic and boisterous, vivid proof of Lord Waistrel’s definition of The Gonads as “a great lusty raspberry of creative excess”. Pictures coming soon on Instagram. Thanks to the lads who flew over from Northern Ireland for the event.
Secondly, and more importantly, our beloved webmistress Batttttty is out of hospital and recovering nicely. Her only worry, she tells us, is about all the stairs she will have to climb because “the doctor told me I was capable of lighthouse work.” Every one a gem! Our next gig is the Great Gonads Xmas Knees-up on December 9th at the Hopper’s Hut, Sidcup – tickets from the venue or their Facebook page. This will be the Gonads’ last-ever acoustic gig. Now we know some cynics think this is just a cheap ploy to sell tickets and that we will miraculously reform for another one next Christmas, but the cynics are wrong. Hand on heart this will be the very last acoustic show the Gonads ever play, and our days as a punk rock band will end on 31st December 2024. Take that as gospel.
Prankster news: this year’s Guy Fawkes party will be at “that mid-Kent place” tomorrow night with two comedians, an Oi-tone band, and an 83-year-old Sticky Vicky tribute act. We understand that brethren have been told not to bring Sadiq Khan themed guys “because we’ve already got 75 of ’em and there’s only so many we can burn”.
