Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
May 31. So sad to hear about the death yesterday of Doug Kane of The Generators and Doug & The Slugz, aged just 56. Doug was a good friend, a sound guy and an all-round American Oi legend. RIP mate.
May 30. Gal Gonad and Wattsie’s controversial ventriloquism act is over. Shona tells us she got the hump and quit because he kept putting words in her mouth. On hearing the news, a furious Gal told her to get stuffed. To make it worse, he said it without moving his lips.
May 29. The Gonads’ next studio album Anarchy Now is entirely written, we can reveal, but don’t expect it to be released this year. Miss Management tells the blog: “It won’t be recorded until we find a record label to release it as a physical album”. The album will comprise of “between ten and twelve strong, forceful tracks with something to say” – all written either by Gal and Mark McMighty, or by Gal and the great Clyde Ward. Soitainly Records are willing to release it as a download, but Miss M says “The Gonads feel that it’s not a proper album unless it’s available on vinyl and/or CD too.” Gal’s own GB Experience album is also believed to be completely written and “in a holding queue” behind Anarchy Now. One of his solo compositions, Never Go Home Again, has already been hailed as “a classic, up there with the best of the band’s drinking songs” but won’t be played at any of this year’s live shows. Other related projects in a state of near completion include debut albums from Prole and the Orgasm Guerrillas, as well as the long-awaited debut EPs from Mark’s side-project McMighty and Wattsie’s breakaway Shona & The Aliens combo. However, there is currently no release date or recording schedule for anything other than the new DMG ep, due to be recorded next month and released in October by Soitainly.
STOP PRESS #1. John King’s People’s Party of Great Britain (PPGB) last night confirmed that they will not be standing any candidates in the July general election. In related news, the Ministry Of Delusion is calling on Rishi Rich to recruit two more horsemen of the apocalypse to cope with World War III.
STOP PRESS #2. Next April’s Gonads wedding ceremony in Vegas is now officially postponed indefinitely.
May 28. There are a few more of the Q&As from Gal’s Bells Of Hell interview ready to be published. If you have any more questions please send them in ASAP. No filth please.
May 27. We can today confirm dates for the Gonads Farewell London mini-tour. Oct 12th: The 229 Club, as part of the Cream Of The Crop 2024 all-dayer (Great Portland St); Nov 9th: The Spice Of Life (Soho), Dec 6th: The Dublin Castle (Camden). More details to follow. As none of these venues are in south London, we are still open to playing a final farewell gig in Charlton next year too. The great 12 Bar guru Barnet Mark will promote it.
There is other serious business to be completed this year, however, including the ordination of John King as an honorary lifetime Gonad, and a decision on whether to push ahead with Gal’s “Oi-Tone” compilation dream. Expect decisions on both to be reached at the next Gonads Ruby, scheduled for next month. In more frivolous news, we hear that the Pranksters’ favourite comedian Dirty Rob has incorporated Lee Wilson’s terrifying fall from stage in Berlin into his stand-up routine. At a recent St Albans gig, Rob was heard quipping: “Did you hear about poor Lee Wilson? Apparently, he dropped a 10cent coin off the stage at Punk & Disorderly, went to catch it and it hit him on the back of his head. Lee was okay though. He landed on his wallet. Now that’s a lot of padding. Mostly white fivers. The bad news? Falling on his wallet still didn’t force it open. Lee is so tight, he went out afterwards and got himself tasered by the cops just to recharge his iPhone. I saw him stripping wallpaper the other night, I said are you redecorating, he said, no I’m moving…” (continued indefinitely)
May 26. Angels With Dirty Faces, a hardback photobook by Riton about the worldwide streetpunk scene, is coming soon. Packed with quality pix, it has articles written by Gal, Tai-Luc of La Souris Delinguee, and Matt Kelly of the Dropkick Murphys. Sign up here to be notified of when it launches.
Disturbing rumours are circulating that work has started on a second volume of The Beerdrop Explodes. The first combined drinking songs, ‘herbert’ bands, reggae toasters Laurel & Hardy and working-class comedians, but was said to have “flopped like a fish on a line” when it was released on Razor Records in 1983. At the time, the whole exercise was blamed on excessive boozing. However, fans now claim it was sabotaged by crap marketing and an “unfortunate cover shot” (depicting Frankie Boy with a bunch of pissed-up, sweat-stained Lewisham pub rockers). Fun fact: the Gonads appeared on the first comp under the alias of Beergut 100.
May 25. RIP Brian Ingle, founder and former organist, prime songwriter and composer of Iron Butterfly. Brian co-wrote their best-known song, the 1968 17-minute epic In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida (in a garden of life) “while drinking an entire gallon of Red Mountain wine”. Good man.
Competition time! Win a pair of tickets to see the Orgasm Guerrillas live! We are chuffed to announce that this blog is giving away two tickets to sit at the PM’s right hand on the top table at the next Pranksters weekender (June 21st – 23rd). You will enjoy full access to the festive board, experience the thrill of the PM speaking in tongues (after three bottles of red), and see the OGs play live for the first time in forty years. If you want to be the lucky winner, simply email telling us your favourite Orgasm Guerrillas song and why you want to be there. To be eligible you MUST be over 18, and male, and you must live in or around Burwash Weald. Entering the contest is completely free and the winner will be electronically selected at random on June 13th. Terms and conditions apply. Good luck! (Please note: entry is restricted to members of the Jolly Prankster brotherhood or its affiliated organisations worldwide.)
May 22. Here, earlier than threatened, is part two of Gal’s Club 77 Q&A session. Question. Would you consider bringing back your Rancid Sounds radio show? Gal: “I did that show for the best part of twenty years and I loved it. Finding new gems, resurrecting old ones, giving new bands a push…I’d happily do it again on the right station.”
Q. I remember you backing bands like Buster Shuffle, Tommy Schitt & The Punishment Fuckers and the Bar Stool Preachers on that radio show, who would you champion now? Gal: “The Split Dogs, Catbite, The Molotovs, The Calamatix, Millie Manders & The Shut-ups, The Mysterines, The Mary Wallopers…so many fantastic bands out there. They need exposure.”
Q. Will you do any more acoustic gigs? Gal: “I dunno. I enjoyed them, but I prefer to do a wham-bam 30minute punk set. That’s the true Gonads.”
Q. What was the favourite period of your working life? Gal: “Good question. Hard to answer. The late 70s, early 80s on Sounds probably, what a time to be alive! So much great music, so many new scenes and incredible people…those memories are still so vivid and special. It was one exciting band after another back then. There’s a lot to be said for the 90s for me too. I felt like Peter Sellers’s Chauncey Gardiner most of the time.”
Q. Will there be any more Sounds Of Glory books? Gal: “Yeah. Give me time.”
Q. How about the Gonads curry? Gal, laughing: “Yeah! The recipe is perfected for the curry! Manufacturing comes next. Seriously, we could bring out a meat product. It’s a germ of an idea for next year.”
Q. How serious is the Gonads TV comedy show? Gal: “Completely serious. It’s one of a number of TV and film formats we’re working on with trusted people, but it’s a long, uphill process in an increasingly barren climate. Not a lot is getting made right now compared to ten years ago.”
Q. Can we expect an album from Prole or the Orgasm Guerrillas any time soon? Gal: “The Prole album is written; I’m just waiting for Steve [Kent] to have time to record it. I have radical ideas for the Orgasm Guerrillas that might go down well with everyone but are true to the spirit of the band.”
Q. Do you still enjoy your day-job? Gal: “How could I not enjoy interviewing the calibre of people I’ve met or spoken to over the last six years? Everyone from Ray Davies to William Shatner – Captain Kirk! I never thought I’d be on the phone to Steve Cropper! Or George Benson, or Mick Fleetwood. So far this year alone I’ve chatted to Rod Stewart, Kevin Bacon, Slash, Robby Krieger from The Doors, Chris Difford, Fito from Canned Heat, Bruce Hornsby and Robert ‘Kool’ Bell, among others...It’s a very long list of creative, brilliantly talented people with more to come.”
Q. Who is there you haven’t interviewed that you’d like to? Gal: “Springsteen. Geezer Butler. Stevie Wonder. Macca. Pete Townshend. Any of the legends.”
Q. What musicians now dead would you have liked to have met and interviewed? Gal: “That’s a very long list. Elvis, Johnny Cash, Marvin Gaye…” (He reels of about twenty names including John Lee Hooker, David Bowie, John Lennon, Miles Davis and Lucille Bogan – Ed) “…So many. I had the chance to meet Bowie once and stupidly turned it down because I knew I’d get tongue-tied. The same with Spike Milligan, although with him being bi-polar I was worried I’d get him on a bad day and ruin my memories of him.”
Q. Any message to Club 77 and Gonads fan around the world? Gal: “Yeah. Thank you! We’ve had people fly hundreds of miles to see us and I hope we haven’t disappointed. Cheers and beers!”
STOP PRESS. Fears grow for the future of the Rawhides UK following reports that Fat Col has become addicted to the miracle weight-loss medicine Ozempic. One close friend whispers: “Col has been getting bang on this shit for about two months – that’s why no-one has seen him. And if you did see him, you wouldn’t recognise him. He’s dropped about six stone. But it’s completely knackered the band. How can he go out as Fat Col & the Rawhides and sing ‘18 stone of dynamite, half inch fuse’ now? He’s almost half his fighting weight. All he’s left with is the half-inch fuse which is no good to nobody.” “Tell me about it,” mutters his fragrant ex-wife, Jeanette, who adds, “As for Col reinventing himself as a wild rocker, the only dangerous thing about the fool is following him into the khazi.”
May 21. Curry night was a tremendous show of unity. Twenty strong. Old and new faces. Beer-drinkers and hell-raisers. Not a round-dodger in sight. Sounds legend Rudi Guerre made it down from Manchester. John King branded it “one of the best PRCC nights yet”! Next stop? Manchester! Or Covent Garden! You decide. Apologies for absence were received from Judge Shed (at a trial), Carrie Griffiths (vocal coaching), Max Spartan (with the Peckham boys), Denzil (foot injury), Wattsie Watts (too aloof). But oddly no word from Lee Wilson who will be double-gutted to hear it was the cheapest curry club night since 1998. Or from Two-Ton Tony Madras who doesn’t appear to have ventured into East London. A BME insider tells us “Tone would rather risk waxing the Yeti’s bikini line than bumping into Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner).”
There are growing calls for Gal to market his unique Gonads curry. The recipe was revealed on one of our album sleeves, but so far it has been served only at Club 77 events and private parties, where Fit Bird tells us “It has gone down well, with very few fatalities”. So why the hold-up? A grim-faced Beast reports “FB was in charge of the manufacturing side but he hasn’t been heard from in a while following a nasty accident. We wish him well but it might be time for me to take over.” (Hold up, why is The Beast back? No, no, no! – Wattsie). Gal however has been in talks with a local character called Dan the Butcher about an entirely different pork product known in band circles as “The King Slayer”.
May 20. Interesting to see a couple of Oi! albums in Danny Baker’s treasured vinyl collection, now being auctioned. Dan’s copy of the Gonads first live bootleg double album is not up for sale however. A close pal tells us, “There are some things Danny wouldn’t part with, not for love nor money.”
After a legal case lasting more than three years, Howard Bates, Mick Rossi and Moz Murray have successfully challenged the UK Trademark ‘Slaughter and The Dogs’ which was registered in 2018 by Wayne Barrett-McGrath in his sole name and without the knowledge or consent of the other founding members. The triumphant trio stated: ‘The registration has now been invalidated. This will effectively put an end to the idle threats of legal action by Barrett-McGrath and his representative/wife towards fans, promoters and founding band members. Justice has been served. Now watch this space for news and updates!’
May 18. Noos! Operation Ivy re-release their 1989 debut album Energy as a cassette on Monday week to mark its 35th anniversary… the new Anti-Queens album Disenchanted is out now… Bad Religion start a European tour next month (What? no Middle East dates? – Ed)… Dead & Company, formed by ex-Grateful Dead members including Bob Weir, have made their live debut at The Sphere in Las Vegas… and we’ve just heard that the anti-beer grouping Just Stop Ale have called off a protest they’d planned for next week’s PRCC meet. A lily-livered activist tells us: “We were going to target the BME and switch their pints for alcohol-free piss-shandies, but if the Curry Club are united, it’s a much scarier proposition.”
Here is part one of an edited transcript of Gal’s replies to questions from his birthday gathering with Club 77 members in the southeast London pub known locally as The Bells Of Hell. Question. Are you really pulling the plugs on the Gonads, and if so why? Gal: “We’re going out with a London mini-tour later this year, and, after the final show in December, we won’t tour again. We might do the odd special show but we don’t really have the things we need around us to make touring and protracted gigging practical – like proper hands-on management, a supportive label or even a trustworthy agent we can work with. Dealing with amateur promoters is part of the problem.”
Q. Will there be a Las Vegas farewell show in April 2025? Gal: “Sadly it seems unlikely. There was definite interest but the weakness of the pound against the dollar makes a Gonads farewell show in Vegas unviable for April 2025. I could have done it with the American Gonads but then one or two of our Gonads would’ve kicked off, and it’s not worth the ear-ache. Other options are being considered.”
Q. Are the Dirty Metal Gonads a spin-off from the band or a replacement for the band? Gal: “That’s a very cynical question! DMG are very much a spin-off. As you know, we’ve released strong songs before. The first time we jammed at Phil Doyle’s studio in Camden, the session was just magical. I want to try and re-create that chemistry next month with the same DMG line-up somewhere where they won’t wipe the tapes two weeks later.”
Q. Will we ever hear the songs you wrote for your Big 69 project? Gal: “I hope so. No reason why not, apart from studio costs. I’ve written Backstreets with Mark and it’s a blinder. There’s no rush.” (Part two to follow next weekend – Ed).
May 17. The official report into Gal and Wattsie’s exciting LA trip has been released but in a heavily redacted form. Reading between the lines, however, we have worked out that Harvey ‘Harv’ Wolowitz turned out to be a charlatan with links to She Who Can’t Be Named, and his promises came to nothing. Luckily Gal was able to use his contacts in Santa Monica to line up “very positive” meetings with real producers and secure the services of friendly local rocker, The Bear, who drove our dynamic duo all over town for most of their stay, only disappearing when he was “introduced to the joys of opium” by an older woman who “taught him how to prolong the female orgasm with two hardboiled eggs and an acoustic guitar string”. Blimey. You don’t see that on A Place In The Sun.
Fat Col asks: This guitar string, was it a G?
STOP PRESS #1. Peace in our times! Eye witnesses report that the BME were heard chanting Gal’s name last night, and toasting “Sir Galahad Gonad” in a packed King’s Head (Tooting Bec) following his call for unity. “The Curry Club united will never be defeated,” said John King as he downed his fourteenth Guinness of the day. King dismissed the recent Curry Club fall-out as simply, “Democratic patriotic socialism in action – discussion, disagreement, consideration, consensus, a coming together stronger than ever.” In uneasy scenes, Two-Ton Tony was then denounced and publicly slapped for his divisive comments.
STOP PRESS #2. We are unable to substantiate reports that Gal and John King were seen drinking and laughing with Mick Lynch of the RMT in a Waterloo pub during the day on Wednesday. Something to do with the PPGB? (Pictorial evidence required – Ed).
May 16. Last night Gal Gonad called for calm on the sore subject of the BME insurgence – dubbed ‘Mutiny On The Balti’ by the Daily Star. After a private knees-up at a south London lock-in, Gal took questions from Club 77 members worried about the band’s future (some of his answers may be reproduced on this blog soon). On the more pressing matter of the Punk Rock Curry Club, he told the small but loyal audience that he would be “happy to step away from the day-to-day running of the club, if that were the wish of the members”. He lavished praise on John King, who he called “a dear friend whose honorary Gonad status will be confirmed this year”, and then urged PRCC supporters not to boycott next week’s gathering in East London, but to turn up “firm-handed” in a mass show of support for the club’s guiding principle of working-class unity, adding, “We are many, they are few.” There was, he said “no divide” between the PRCC and the ever-thirsty BME, laughing off accusations from the floor that they were “selfish, senile splitters with post-micturition dribbling problems”. Asked by one hard-up soul what could be done about BME gluttons driving up the cost per head of each meal via their excessive alcohol intake, Gal suggested there might be a case for the ill-tempered, intemperate faction to sit on a separate table and have a separate bill. He chose to ignore a burly heckler’s loud aside of “yeah, in a separate restaurant”.
May 15. As John King’s BME issued another statement crowing about Paul SkaNad & Gentleman John defecting to their ranks, the Punk Rock Curry Club was hit by a string of cancellations as a number of supporters pulled out of next week’s meet. Wattsie Watts was the first prominent club member to withdraw, blaming the “incessant, unpleasant sniping from the juvenile BME”. She went on to say “No curry clubber wants to suffer this constant bickering, it ruins the atmosphere and spoils the fun.” She was followed by the Anti Nowhere League. New member, Ska legend King Hammond also dropped out, uncomfortable with the BME’s “bitchiness” and Cass Pennant is said to be on the brink of following suit, along with two more regular members who asked not to be named. One recalled being trapped on a table with the BME at London Bridge and being pressured into subbing their bar tab despite barely drinking himself. “They’re a menace,” he seethed. Wattsie called on the PM to “make an intervention and restore good order to a once great club”. But King, spurred on by Chelsea Dom continued to rave on, accusing Gal, ludicrously, of being “a beer-hater” running “a puritanical sect”, and calling the Gonads “a fun-free cult”. As one curry club member demanded an official inquest into King’s poisonous tirades, all eyes are on PRCC chairman Steve Whale to make a decision before things get out of hand. Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) summed up the bleak mood, saying: “For more than twenty years there’s been peace in the Curry Club – carnivores and vegans, punks and skins, rockers and rude boys, herberts and suedeheads, drinkers and non-drinkers, supporters of thirteen different football teams, all co-existing in harmony. We’ve had it sweet. There have been good nights and there have been great nights. But there were no arguments and the hardcore never wavered. Am I right? Well now there’s been an eruption of anger and bad faith. It’s like fuckin’ Eurovision on a bad night. One member is making false, potentially libellous statements and it can’t go on. Good friends are boycotting the meet, one is close to quitting. I won’t have it! And believe me, all of you, I am ready to hang you all upside down in Harold Shand’s meat-locker right now because nobody goes home until I find out who done it, and why!” (Ed’s note: It was John King, Mart).
May 14. John King’s BME used the cover of Gal’s birthday celebrations yesterday to launch a stinging under-hand attack on the PRCC. Their email reads: Following attempts by PRCC co-founder John King to persuade fellow PRCC co-founder Sir Gal Gonad to extend his dictatorial licensing rules ahead of the next meet in East London – an attempt that was greeted with scorn by the increasingly dictatorial Gal and his imaginary spokesman – the following official statement has been released: ‘The BME hereby announces the formation of the Real Punk Rock Curry Club. This is a move to return to the traditions established post-War by the early pioneers; namely a proper session ahead of an eye-watering ruby. This is the same tradition linked to punk by King, Gal, Lol and Shed back in 1999. The BME element within the PRCC – which is forming the RPRCC – is keen to work from within the group, but will nevertheless stand firm against the gentrification of our heritage. We believe in drinking to excess. It is good for mental health. It is the English way and there is no shame in a full session. We reject the single-pint, spice-less curry, home-and-tucked-up-in-bed-by-10pm model introduced by Gal over the last couple of years. While we take note of the comments made concerning salaried members needing to be up early for work, we merely ask– why does the PRCC only ever meet on a Monday or Tuesday? What is wrong with a Friday? Does newspaper magnet/millionaire Gal have a hidden agenda? Is he a closet globalist posing as a patriotic socialist!?’
Speaking for the PRCC, a weary but grim-faced Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) replies: “We do not wish to give these infantile rantings any credibility by answering at length, but we should point out that curry nights are traditionally held early in the week simply to avoid clashing with gigs. Nobody in the PRCC has ever proposed a “single-pint, spice-less curry” policy (it should be remembered that Gal is the only one of us brave enough to have tackled and defeated the dreaded Newcastle ‘curry hell’ and holds a Derby Day personal best of 28 pints and a whisky chaser – witnessed by Gurkha and an entire coachload of the Newbridge WMC faithful). I’m afraid once again Commissar King’s rantings expose him as a Stalinist megalomaniac whose sole motivation is to take over the Club and bend it to his will. As to imaginary friends, I will be waiting at Tower Hill tube to personally welcome the arrival of Two-Tone Tony Madras from West Drayton.” Gulp. (He then added, “Come on, fat boy, let’s have it” but that was deemed inflammatory and inappropriate in these circumstances – Ed).
May 13. Man of the month: Gal Gonad, who turns 69 today. Happy birthday, Mr B. Here’s hoping those numbers have a special resonance. Our message to Gal: Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think!
We hear again from diligent Punk Rock Curry Club historian Rosie Vivino, who isn’t at all becoming a nuisance, and who tells us that although the PRCC started in the late 90s, The Gonads, and Gal in particular, were “at the very forefront of the punk rock/curry crossover”. She goes on: “The Gonads famously performed acoustic punk sets in a Charlton Village Indian restaurant and another one in Lewisham, which wasn’t so well received, back in 1977. The Gonads’ association with ‘rubies’ continued into the 80s. On one notorious occasion, after a recording session, they took Splodgenessabounds manager Dave Long for his first ever Indian meal. Long, a devoted vegan who had long renounced meat, was foolish to mention that fact to a table full of carnivores and hardcore pranksters whose menu advice was consequently unreliable. I would suggest you add The Vegan to your list of episodes for your proposed TV series. Let’s just say his fury never subsided.”
May 12. They’re back! But was the LA mission successful? A tight-lipped Wattsie tells us that “absolutely nothing can be reported to the blog until Lord Waistrel has been briefed.” When pushed for details, she tells us “It’s complicated; NDAs have been signed. You will have to wait for the full report... it may take a few days.” Intriguing.
In other news, we have learnt that attempts to heal the rift between the PRCC steering committee and John King’s so-called Beer Monster Elite have hit a snag following the intervention of the ELF – the English Liberation Front. An unnamed member of the revolutionary underground anarcho-syndicalist group mocked King’s PPGB on GB News, claiming that they had successfully won councils in “Crinkley Bottom, Dreamland, Ambridge, Toyland and Narnia”. The anonymous activist (Effete El) accused leader King of “trying to split the PRCC with his pal, Chelsea Dom” and branded him “a part-time author and a full-time fantasist”. A source close to PRCC chairman Steve Whale called the ELF’s intervention “unhelpful at this time”.
There were more developments last night however as PRCC loyalists Paul ‘SkaNad’ Mummery and Gentleman John threw in their lots with the BME. Gonads drummer Paul told the blog: “I’m backing the leader, John King. He’s right. Five hours in the pub pre-ruby is the perfect formula for a curry night. Especially if a post-ruby beer is also on the cards.” No doubt a statement or seven from the BME will arrive shortly.
May 11. Are these the legs that wowed LA? To be honest we’re not sure. They are Wattsie’s pins, by a hotel pool near Hermosa Beach.
And this is Gal on a Disney lot. But pictures aside, we haven’t heard from either of them since they flew out three days ago. The dynamic duo should be back this weekend. Is it wrong to dare to dream?
We have been contacted by Punk Rock Curry Club historian Rosie Vivino who points out that the very first PRCC meet was at Clapham Junction, SW11, last century. The founder members were John King, Lol Pryor RIP, Gal Gonad and Judge Shed. They met in The Falcon pub – a grand old gin palace with the longest bar in England – and, after a JK approved five-hour session, went on to The Panahar, which is a fine curry-house and is not to be confused with the one referred to in an earlier post. We believe this initial meet was circa 1999. A 25th anniversary return is on the cards for the PRCC inner circle and invited guests later this year (if the BME wind their necks in). Says Rosie: “Later the PRCC met regularly in Lee Green before relocating its base to Sidcup, but the club has travelled everywhere from Southall to Tunbridge Wells via Soho and Whitechapel, and meets have been called on in Blackpool, Germany and even in LA, where the inaugural gathering of the US PRCC took place in 2017. The Gonads played a short acoustic set.” Blimey.
May 8. Farewell to Team Gonad who fly to LA first thing today, loaded up with plots, a pilot script and lots of ideas. Fit Bird tells us she emailed them more approved storylines before their Uber arrived and that her list included The Funny Monkey (genuinely side-splitting), The Heather, The Virgin, The Acid Queen, The Quasar Conundrum, The Gift, The Hockers and The Teaser. “I’m so chuffed – they have defo got enough for two full series,” she says.
We are now closing this blog down for a few days until they return triumphantly from LAX. Cheerio.
STOP PRESS. John King has used Gal’s latest trip to California, to resurrect his Beer Monster Elite rabble and stir up trouble for the Punk Rock Curry Club, who are set to convene in East London later this month. Late last night, hard-drinking King, a part-time author, issued this worrying statement: ‘Due to the draconian restrictions laid down by Gal Gonad, an advance team of hardcore BME will be gathering in a public house not too far from the official Punk Rock Curry Club rendezvous later this month. Having permitted a mere 90 minutes for the warm-up drink, which gives attendees the chance to mingle and chat before being nailed into tiny chairs and served wave after wave of stale popadoms, the BME has been forced to take what some might see as separatist action. Drinking men such as leader John King (who also fronts recent election-toppers the PPGB), the controversial Chelsea Dom ‘Young Dom’ Warwick (aka the Nina Myskow of punk), Sergeant Lee Wilson, the Business Steves (both Whale and Kent), PM Terry Hayes and Two-Ton Tony (from West Drayton) are rumoured to be part of the planned turnout.’ The statement continues: ‘While BME sympathies go to sparkling water enthusiast Gal, who will wait for their arrival with three of his imaginary friends and the two Gonads who live under his bed, it feels it has no choice but to get stuck into a proper session early doors. As King says: “It would be rude not to.” After downing a pint of Guinness and ordered another, he continues: ‘But we are extending the hand of friendship to Sir Gonad. Come and join us, Gal. Drink beer with the boys and be merry. Don’t be scared. We can then walk to your chosen alehouse united as one!’
A weary-sounding Effete El counters: “This is typical of the BME boys’ club splitters. It’s easy for these loudmouth lay-abouts to spend hours in the pub because they don’t have conventional jobs. The real PRCC is about celebrating food and drink, not getting pie-eyed and puking. Besides half the people he mentions are PRCC loyalists. The man is deluded, his senses worn down by lack of meat.” PRCC historian Rosie Vivino tells us: “It is a little-known fact that the one curry night John King did organise, in southwest London, was the biggest wash-out this side of the West Sussex flooding. It was in the noughties. Five people turned up (JK, Whaley, Gal, Fatty Lol and Judge Shed). At King’s insistence they drank for nearly five hours on empty stomachs then staggered into a dismal local Indian restaurant, with mice in the dining area, that has since been closed down by the Food Standards Authority. Lead a party? He couldn’t even plan a curry night. Gertcha.”
May 7. More good news from Harvey ‘Harv’ Wolowitz who rings to say he has set up multiple meetings in West Hollywood for Gal and Wattsie – three on Thursday, four on Friday – but he feels that, with the right production partner, Netflix are “almost certain” to option Seven Deadly Secrets “as a dark, sexy, punk rock reality comedy”. Strap up! The intrepid duo are expecting the full LA itinerary tonight. Exciting. Set the controls for the heart of the sun…
May 6. Worryingly, blog readers are now emailing to alert us to other possible ‘deadly secrets’. An ashen-faced Effete El reports, “Some are just rumours, hearsay and gossip, but after diligent investigations we can now add The Honey Trap, Love In A Lift, The Evil Ink, The Desk Job, The Newbridge Proposition and The Threes Up to our ever-growing list of scandals that must never go public.” We can’t even print the titles of two more confirmed stories because to do so would blow their cover prematurely. One man delighted by the bombardment of “shockers” is highflying US TV executive Harv Wolowitz who says “If these secrets all work out as scripts you’ve already got forty potential episodes which is almost enough for two full seasons.” He loves the sound of The Thelma, but we’re afraid it triggers a lot of painful memories for one Gonad for whom even the phrase “Get a grip” can trigger unnecessary trauma. The good news is Gal and Wattsie are due to fly to LA on Wednesday for top-level meetings, returning on Saturday ahead of Gal’s big 69 birthday celebrations on Monday. Gal, Clyde and Micky Pugh are finishing the pilot episode as we speak and will have story-boarded five more before they fly.
May 5. Harvey ‘Harv’ Wolowitz, an LA-based TV producer, called Nads HQ yesterday saying he was “extremely keen” on developing our Seven Deadly Secrets as a TV series. “Any show that could merge punk rock with Seinfeld-style humour would be a no-brainer for one of the streaming services, especially one based on reality,” he said, citing the success of Pistol and the death of mainstream comedy, and adding that he was particularly interested in The Wossname (as of course are we). There is now talk of Gal and Wattsie flying to LA to discuss a development deal. Exciting.
May 4. Running this blog can be a frustrating business. Yesterday we posted a list of potential serious threats that could harm this great band if they leaked out, and we were immediately inundated, not with messages of care, compassion or support, but with enquiries about the nature of the juiciest scandals from various low-brow, bottom-feeding gossip-mongers. Obviously, we can’t give out any details of the nineteen scandalous secrets (Now 31 and rising fast – Worried Ed) because they are hugely damaging and need to be eternally suppressed. However, for the benefit of legal clarity, we can confirm that Adam Ant was not personally involved in the rooftop sex story – that was a member of the original band behaving disgracefully. And we will never disclose what the code SEG64 stands for, or where exactly the tattoo has now been inked. Although we can reveal that when the gentleman in question gets excited, the tat spells out: ‘South East London Yobbo Addicks Gang, fucking up shit since 1964’. Honest.
Those new secret scandals in full: The Haunted Car Park. The Switcheroo. The Julie (or The Treble Betrayal). The Thelma (or The Death-Grip Torture-Wank). The Gobbler. The Ugly. The Security Guard (or Can’t Stop Me Now). The Empty Carriage. The Wizard’s Sleeve. The Spanish Tribute. The Brown Sugar. The Quick Goodbye (or The Leicester Turn-Around).
May 3. Buy a wig and keep this under it! Waistrel has ordered us – his minimum-wage blog monkeys – to prepare a report into what Fat Col’s alleged ‘seven deadly secrets’ of The Gonads’ might be. And the bad news is, we have already unearthed NINETEEN potentially damaging secrets that could blow the resurgent band right out of the water. Here, strictly between us, is a leaked list of those possible scandals: 1) The identity and heinous crimes of The Golden Shot. 2) The complex web of off-shore tax havens where Waistrel keeps the millions he hasn’t invested in the arms trade, the Petro-chemical industry, and people smuggling. 3) The Cockblocker. 4) The Cunt-Teaser 5) The Golden Goblets. 6) The vanishing Doyle Tapes. 7) Miss M’s ‘discipline’ secrets. 8) What really happened to Tucker and his Ruckers? 9) Flag girl “me too” moments. 10) The Hooker. 11) The Wossname. 12) The stripper & the snake. 13) The Gonad who is planning an intimate tattoo reading ‘SEG64’ and what it means. 14) The Old Kent Road, a particularly torrid true story. 15) The ventriloquism act. 16) The links to the controversial Jolly Prankster brotherhood. 17) Uncensored shag-and-tell revelations from groupies, lovers, wives and boyfriends. 18) Who will be involved in the Las Vegas 2025 wedding ceremony? 19) The bitter combustible feuds: the Gonads vs Captain Oi, Sandie West, Crass, Randale Records of southern Germany etc etc. Visibly shaken, an ashen-faced Effete El confesses: “We compiled this list in a single morning and suspect there could be a lot more muck out there, especially when we get our hands on Phil McDermott’s WhatsApp messages. We haven’t even included related shockers like Adam Ant sex-on-the-roof, the hearing aid proposal, Birmingham, or which senior Prankster is now nicknamed “Bertie Smalls” because he leaks like a broken colander, or why elements of the Punk Rock Curry Club are trying to ban Chelsea Dom from their gatherings or…” (That’s enough shockers – Ed). He went on: “Some of these headings might sound like rejected episodes of Seinfeld, but I’m afraid that they are all very real. It’s a cesspit of scandals and lies out there, brothers.”
Good luck to Clyde ahead of his double knee surgery. We will be thinking of you, mate.
RIP the great Duane Eddy. In other news: Loud Graves release their second single, The Fool, next Friday…Deep Purple are streaming Portable Door, their first new music with guitarist Simon McBride… and Mariah the Scientist was arrested in Atlanta on Wednesday after she was accused of attacking another woman inside a nightclub. The rapper, real name Mariah Buckles was charged with the Yank equivalent of assault and battery. She is alleged to have approached the woman at Atlanta lounge Cavo Kitchen & Cocktails on 28th March and “for no reason grabbed her by her wig and pulled the wig off her head… and then then proceeded to drag her on the table and floor.”
May 2. A furious Lord Waistrel has banned us from reporting any more “scurrilous in-fighting”, be it between Fat Col and Clyde Ward or Wattsie and Fat Col. In a note handwritten on luxury parchment in gold-enriched ink, drenched in spilled port and drool, and delivered by a trained emu, His Lordship notes that “these petty exchanges of smears and abuse have no place in the world of high society or indeed low-level popular music and light entertainment”. He further called for “the blackguard Gannon” to be suspended from “this noble blog” for an indefinite period. Blimey. Some suspect his dramatic move might have been triggered by whispers that a spurned and vengeful Col is working with an unnamed documentary maker on a plan to make a film designed to “bust open and expose the seven deadly secrets of the Gonads”. Ace investigator Chelsea Dom (aka The Grand Inquisitor) reports: “Col knows where all the bones have been buried, and by whom….” Blimey.
May 1. Fat Col has come out fighting over the Khan’t Stand The Khan’t controversy. Hitting back at his critics, Col insists that he and he alone owns the rights to the Rawhides UK name and legacy. He claims that he only allowed Clyde Ward to use the band name because the cause – of defeating “enemy of the people” Sadiq Khan – was a sound one, and that he, Colin Gannon, had persuaded Piers Corbyn to share the song on social media this week. Then, in an extraordinary rant, Col claimed that Clyde “had watered down the song by making it too pop”. He tells the blog: “The song as I imagined it was a dirty, hard-punchin’, country-rockin’ protest anthem, but this Ward guy has made it bubble gum punk”, adding “He has form for this, remember the Lotto scandal?” (This refers to our 90s single Lotto, conceived as a Ska song and snapped up by Labello Blanco until they received the remixed master tape that sounded more like “Cotton Eye fuckin’ Joe with toothache” and immediately dropped it; sources close to Clyde blame the Beast for this lost opportunity; sources close to the Beast blame Clyde – Ed). Gannon goes off on a tangent moaning that Shona & The Alien was also “ruined”, saying “It should have been Ska and ska-punk with a dub middle eight, not some fucked-up saccharin Fucks Bizz B-side,” before he tells us firmly: “I have withdrawn permission for anyone other than my band, the real Rawhides UK, to use that name. Any future releases will be country rock with punk punch.” Here, here! (We think).
