Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

May 28. Okay, we really are shutting down for a while now chaps. We'll be back with news of the DVD and the acoustic album release dates when we get them. See you at the Big 7 Scooter Rally!

But before we go, we leave you with this photo sent in by our roving reporter in Sandown on the Isle Of Wight... great to see the sainted Pete Way getting the recognition he deserves. Was someone in the town-planning department a UFO fan? We'd like to think so.

Book news: Glory Boys by Jim Iron and John Steel is out now, proper page-turning pulp fiction set in the East London Mod scene of 1979. Out next month: 20 Shades Of Psycho, a collection of 14 short stories from Street Sounds contributors including John King, Manic Esso, Gal, Christine 'Sugary' Staple, Garry Johnson, Tim Wells, Jonny Wah Wah and more. Street Sounds issue 15 is about a month away.

John King's latest novel, The Liberal Politics Of Adolf Hitler, has just been published in time for the Referendum – a great read set in a dystopian future where resistance groups fight back against the increasingly dictatorial EU. It's the people versus the unelected elite, a battle for liberty and democracy. Waistrel says Vote LEAVE.

Record Noos: The Best Of Infa Riot is out now! Rumours that it consists of a 90 second flexi disc recording of Lee Wilson moaning about buying two mates half a pint and a soda water in Blackheath Village boozer are unworthy of this blog, but probably true...

Available again: Lion's Law's album, Open Your Eyes, on coloured vinyl from Pirates Press Records. And No Delusions - A Chicago Hardcore Documentary has just landed on DVD, looking back at two decades of the Chicago scene from the late 80s on.

Fat Col calls. "I should be one of these Human Pups," he says. Why, we ask? "Cos I've been in the dog house half my adult life," he replies. Rim shot!

May 27. We're told that Watford Jon hits the roof when anyone compares him to Alexei Sayle, so if you find out which bastard suggested they look alike on this very blog a couple of days ago give us their name pronto, Tonto, and we'll pass it on. It's an outrage. In the meantime, we're ending our doppelganger week with the riskiest one of them all. Separated at birth? Stinky Turner and Paddy Doherty? One a two-fisted hard-nut linked to a string of attractive women, and Wattsie... the other's some bloke off TV's Big Fat Gypsy Weddings.

 

STOP PRESS: Liberty will be performing the great Prole anthem 'Generation Landslide' in her live sets. Move over Louise Distras, there's a new radical voice in town...

So what was Terry Hayes's good news? It seems that Lord Waistrel has officially appointed El Tel as our very first "Memory Mentor". This bold move is not without critics. One disgruntled Gonad was heard to grumble: "Making Tel our memory tsar is like appointing Stephen Hawking as band football coach." Ouch.

Seen here, memory guru Terence Hayes PM, with la belle Wattsie Watts.

May 26. Today's separated at birth is indisputable: Terence Hayes, PM, of the East End Badoes and... Paul Newman? One a much-loved universal pin-up. The other's an actor. It's been good news, bad news for Tel this week. The bad news is that he turned up at the Badoes rehearsals on Tuesday only to find his daughter Liberty singing with the boys in his place! Seems Libs has staged a hostile take-over and the Badoes will now mostly be performing as her backing band. "Now I know what the Queen feels like every time Charles eyes up her throne," he tells us. Street Sounds has already dubbed Liberty "folk punk with the voice of an angel" and "a vital part of the coming New Tide" of bands who mean it, mannn. PS. Tel's good news however will be announced on tomorrow's blog.

May 25. Shots from last night's rehearsals...

What's the story? England's Glory or too much cider...?
Odd. Ever since John subbed for the UK Subs, Wattsie seems strangely drawn
to him #ILostMyLove #SongsAsProphecies 
Note rare shot of Paul with his shirt on
Today's separated at birth: Watford Jon and... Alexei Sayle? One known for their wit, cynicism and political energy, the other is Alexei Sayle.

May 24. Separated at birth. Colin McFaull from Cock Sparrer and this bloke – Cockney comedy actor Arthur Mullard, R.I.P.? There are huge differences between the two of course. Arthur had a hit record.

Big news. The Pete Way solo album is nearly finished. This legendary project, featuring former Gonads guitar ace Nacho Jase, has been likened to the Loch Ness monster of rock music, it’s been spoken about for so many years people have begun to doubt that it even exists. But our fragrant source close to the great man tells us: “Pete has just got back from Hanover where he has put down some of the best vocals the producers Mike Clink and Tommy Newton have ever heard. He has Slash and Nikki Sixx on a lot of the tracks so all it needed was his vocal and he's really delivered.” Incredible. What else, we ask? “Pete is walking ten miles a day,” the source goes on. “And he’s given up booze... ” Hold on a minute! We were buying all of this, but Pete giving up alcohol? That’s about as likely as Lee Wilson opening a free bar. Or anything we’ve heard so far from Project Fear.

May 23. Separated at birth – Gal Gonad and Bluto? One a thuggish, heavily-bearded villain lusting after a woman who has no time for him, the other a cartoon. Both characters are badly drawn, hate sailors and have been voiced by a number of different actors creating an illusion of schizophrenia.

R.I.P. John Berry, an original member of the Beastie Boys when they were a punk band. Guitarist John died on Thursday, aged 52. He was suffering from frontal lobe dementia. He founded the band as The Young Aborigines and changed their name to the Beastie Boys after a handful of gigs. Their first songs were recorded in John’s loft and were played on Tim Sommer’s Oi radio show in New York. Berry played on their debut ep Pollywog Stew and after leaving the Beastie Boys he went on to perform with hardcore band Even Worse, Big Fat Love, Highway Stars and Bourbon Deluxe. He is fondly remembered for pelting Goth bores Bauhaus with snowballs during their US debut at the Rock Lounge.

May 22. Separated at birth, Lee Wilson and this guy? Daktari, Daktari, Daktari...

Record Noos: out now from Randale, the new thirteen track Ejected album, their first for 30 years...out soon, the new album from the Old Firm Casuals, all mixed, mastered and magnificent. Tour Noos: The Anti-Nowhere League play London 229 and Manchester Academy 3 on 8th and 21st October respectively; Vice Squad support...The Beat bring their magic to London's Under The Bridge on 18th November.

May 21. A furious Lord Waistrel dramatically SCRAPPED plans for a Gonads annual, last night. Scrotum, his Lordship's wrinkled retainer, tells us: "Band members 'ave taken months to send sod-hall through, which 'as not 'elped 'is mood, has you can imagine, what with the gout an' all. Anyway, 'is Nibs proper 'it the roof yesterday and it's now all hoff." Elements of the Gonads annual are now expected to be incorporated into a Big Bushell annual due out this Christmas.

May 21. Get in! We have got the go-ahead for our Ska compilation album. All The Loon Stompers will be released this Autumn on vinyl and CD by Randale Records and will feature all of our best-loved Ska and reggae numbers, with contributions from Jennie Bellestar, Micky Pugh, Jenniera Blade and sax beast Dermot O'Blimey.

In other news, DMG yesterday finished writing their first proper single. Featuring the incredible Mark McMighty on lead guitar, 'Hear The Gods Cry' b/w 'Critical Mass' will be recorded in the coming months and will, we're told, "represent significant growth and development" for the blistering street-rock band who previously released the 'Dr Punk' split single with Maninblack. Says an excitable source: "It's new rock, it's now-metal, it's Hendrix in DMs, it's the next wave of BHM... " (Continued the Crobar)

Out This week: 1) the new Suede Razors' single 'Berlin Or Bust' b/w 'No Time For You' on coloured vinyl; ahead of their six-song mini-LP which comes out in August... 2) The latest Tiger Army album, V, which packs in 13 brilliant new bursts of cast-iron psycho-punk... 3) The second album from Baltimore's Angel Dust, Rock The Fuck On Forever. Vinyl version includes digital download (Pop Wig Records).

May 20. Could Curry On Up The Gonads be back on track? We are currently in negotiations with a West Coast film producer who "loves the concept". More news to follow...

Here's the latest edition to the Nads HQ pub. Our very own barmaid, glam legend Jo Guest...

Gal went on the razz earlier today with Manic Esso and Geno Blue (aka Judge Shed). Their secret mission? To regenerate TV drama! Oh and to spread the word that some copies of Pete's Lurkers book God's Lonely Men are still available from here. For details of Pete's new website career as Angry Old Tranny see the graffiti in the Nell Gwynne bogs.

Fat Col has reacted badly to the new four-track ep from Marxist skin band Hard Left, and claims to be forming a band of his own called Hard Whigs to "campaign against the Nanny state and drippy so-called freedom-fighters who want to limit free speech." He adds: "We'll be proper libertarians, pals." Col is also fuming about Chelsea Dom who is apparently asking various folk if he (Colin) really exists. "It's a fuckin' diabolical liberty," Gannon moans. "Who the fuck does this Chelsea c*** think he is? Everyone in the Newbridge knows me, but they don't know this donut. Going by his Facebook page he could just be two tons of condemned veal with a bad haircut... " (Continues in similar vein for some minutes before concluding) "So he's a detective now is he? If I ever see the little fuck-weasel in Charlton village we'll find out if he can detect a swift right-hander." Boys, boys, play nice. (PS. The Hard Left ep is called Economy).

May 19. Best wishes to Clyde Ward who was involved in a Phil McDermott style motorbike collision this week when some nitwit decided to do a u-turn in the road ahead of him without indicating. Clyde tells us "Thank fuck I was slowing down. The bike stopped dead at 40 but I kept going over the bonnet." Mercifully he isn't too hurt. "Sore arm and wrist but ok," he says. "Front end of the bike needs doing, though." And so does the driver.

Lord Waistrel is officially backing the Leave campaign. His Lordship last night donated 1,000 guineas to Punks For Brexit. "The British people must protect our freedoms," he told us. "We must never be subsumed by a supra-national bureaucracy." Waistrel isn't confident about the Referendum, however. "Even if we win the day, there will be monkey business to make us require a second vote," he observes. "The only way we can make sure of victory is by force of arms. The stout yeomen of England (and Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland) will have to rise up and reclaim our birthright."

May 15. We're closed for a couple of weeks, chaps, pending big news. See you soon. Cheers!

May 13. Happy b-Oi-fday to Gal and Animal who celebrate birthdays today. Gal is 61, Animal is 60. We can exclusively reveal that Gal's day will include steak, Quasar, walking football with Charlton legends, several pubs and a live comedy performance by Micky Pugh.

Random news: Steve Jones's autobiography is published this November by William Heinemann... Cass Pennant is teaming up with Hawkins & Joseph to launch an old school Ska influenced t-shirt range... out now on vinyl, CD and cassette, the new Discharge album End Of Days (Nuclear Blast records).

Get well soon Wattsie Watts! Our sultry songbird is currently suffering from a dreadful lurgy known to medical scholars as gastro-gannonitis.

Horror punk muppets The Misfits have reunited to headline the Riot Fest shows in Denver and Chicago this September – it's the first time original singer and songwriter Glenn Danzig and bassist Jerry Only have shared a stage in over 30 years. Guitarist Doyle Wolfgang Von Frankenstein (real name Paul) will join 'em for the shows.

May 12. Wattsie Watts rings. She's had a dream, which follows thusly: the Gonads are rehearsing, in Bromley, and Shona looks at the singer but to her amazement it isn't Gal. Instead it's Anne Hegerty, aka The Governess from ITV's The Chase! But Anne ain't singing, or answering multiple choice general knowledge questions, she's demanding that we recruit more women to the band! She's also demanding to know why our Beast is an upstart lawyer and not her Beast, lardy Mark Labbett who must replace him. Oh and now she's got the stage cock and she's greasing it up with Gwyneth Paltrow's sweet potato lube and... (Cut! – Ed) (Oi, that wasn't in my dream! – Wattsie). Normally we wouldn't report such nonsense but Gal replaced by a chaser? This could well be a premonition.

Random noos: the Stone Roses will unveil details of their new single at 8pm tonight, their first since the mid-90s... Garry Johnson is developing a movie script for Punk Rock Stories & Tabloid Tales... Chris from the Bus Stop Loonies is writing a play based on the story of Crass... issue 4 of Louder Than War is in the shops now featuring Manic Street Preachers, Garbage, Savages, Dom's IBS and Mogwai, among others.

May 11. Well done to our mates the Cockney Rejects who played 'Bubbles' live at Upton Park last night as part of West Ham's sad departure from the world famous Boleyn ground. Mick comments: "Now that's what I call history, pals. Emotional ain't the word. God bless the fortress and goodnight. Damn it hurts."

Why is Fat Col drinking so much? Some believe it's his way of coping with Wattsie rejecting him, although according to him, their icy relationship might actually be defrosting. A little bird (Charlton Teen) tells us Col told her that he and Wattsie have made a pact – seems she has agreed to run away and marry him in a secret Greta Green ceremony. There's just one snag. He needs to win the lottery first. A source close to the Bugle Horn whispers: "Every torn-up lotto ticket means another bottle of Courvoisier down his gullet... "

May 10. Correction: we'll be opening for the Cockney Rejects at the 100 Club on 21st December, and not playing the Boot Boys Knees Up with The Last Resort on 16th. Our highly confused negotiator, Fat Col, blames the misunderstanding on "a communication problem" which may or may not have been fuelled by his nightly input of twelve pints of Thatcher's Gold and "moderate" quantities of brandy.

Out this Thursday: Glory Boys by Jim Iron & John Steel, a proper pulp fiction novel wot celebrates 1979 Mods running amok in East London, North London, Sarf'End and anywhere else they can have a tear-up. "A brilliant debut by Iron & Steel" says Street Sounds. "Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll". Published by Caffeine Nights and available right now from Amazon.

STOP PRESS: Big news. Cockney punk poet Garry Johnson will tour Blighty with Suzi Quatro and Tim Wells this Summer. We're not making this up! More info when we have it. Blimey.

May 9. Ska stalwarts Less Than Jake tour the UK in October with supports The Skints and Los Angeles amigos Mariachi El Bronx. Japanese Ska punks KEMURI and Melbourne's own "psychedelic reggae Ska doom metal punk rockers" The Bennies, join on selected dates, presumably when the latter aren't at the shrink's being treated for multiple personality disorders.

Salena Godden, Britain's sexiest street poet (writes Fat Col), plays a special Evening With at L'Escargot in Soho's Greek Street on 15th June. Not many tickets left so rebel rhyme-ravers should snap 'em up pronto, Tonto. In other news Louise Distras, apparently now billed as "The UK's answer to Joan Jett" plays loads of West Coast dates this month. The UK's answer to Joan Jett? Only if Joan's question was "Which British singer sounds least like me?" If Lou ever covers 'Do You Want To Touch Me?' Stalin's toes will explode.

OUT now on vinyl from Streetrock Records: the four-track debut ep from Colombian Oi band Yesterday's Heroes called 'La Llame Que Numca Se Apaga' (The llama who munched his appendage – Unreliable Translator Ed). (The Unquenchable Flame – Reliable Ed).

May 7. Coming soon: Olas Boss in New Eltham. Have it!

Out now on vinyl from Pirates Press: the Antagonizers ATL album Working Class Street Punk and the debut LP from the Bar Stool Preachers, Blatant Propaganda; both come with digital downloads.

May 6. More news: we are lining up low-key acoustic Gonads gigs in south east London and surrounding parts later this summer. This will include Charlton. Watch this space for details.

Random shit: we've just heard the new Old Firm Casuals album and it's kin' awesome... the Whiskey Rebels album, These Inside Jokes Are Killing Me, a collection of rare and unreleased material is out now from Oi The Boat... looks like there will be a Small Wonder exhibition in Walthamstow later this year, celebrating Pete Stennett's label... don't forget the New Tide gig is at the Pipeline tomorrow night featuring Alias Kid (fresh from their sell-out UK tour), Brighton's Dirt Royal, Manc sensations All The Kings Men and those legends in their own bedsits the Bay City Preachers.

Chris Stein tells us that Johnny Marr and Albert Hammond Jnr from the Strokes have written songs for Blondie's as yet untitled new album. All the backing tracks are recorded, with just Debbie's vocals to add. Sia, Charli XCX and our own Fat Col have also submitted numbers, although it seems unlikely that the divine Ms H will wish to record Col's amended version of 'Sit On My Face & Tell Me That You Love Me'. Oaf.

May 5. Fuck Eurovision – we're taking our racket to Scandinavia. Expect the Gonads' first ever Norwegian gigs later this year. Meantime, here's Garry Johnson speaking to Sticks Radio.

May 4. News of the large kind. We'll be special guests at the big Bootboy Xmas Party at the 100 Club in December; the Cockney Rejects are headlining and more details will follow. So will it be the punk set or the acoustic one? Will we get more than a measly half hour on stage? Will Wattsie have forgiven Fat Col by then? Will Gentleman John be there or will he be off playing bass for Dom's IBS somewhere in the foothills of Outer Mongolia? Will Gal's decaying lugholes be up to the job or will he have to be replaced by Susan Boyle or a semi-trained orang-utan? These are the questions. Next week, more questions.

The big "new tide" gig will be at the Pipeline on Saturday, a bold new "Street Rock" event featuring the Bar Stool Preachers, Alias Kid, All The King's Men and Dirt Royal all on the same bill at last. And for only a cockle too. Here's Louder Than War raving abhart it.

Why weren't the League at Monday's slap-up ruby fest? Cos they thought it was happening last night! Well Animal is getting on now – the great man is 60 on Friday 13th (the same day one of us turns 61... ). Have a great night, Nick.

Random news: Pete 'Manic Esso' Haynes has written six 90minute plays which may well be televised next year, "wheels are in motion" we're told... The Blink-182/Swindle 1996 split ep has been re-released on coloured vinyl by Grilled Cheese Records; ftg Blink's first demo version of 'Lemmings'... Around 7,000 AC/DC fans have asked for refunds rather than watch Axl Rose sing with the band in Belgium next Monday...

Terence Hayes, PM, interrupts his holiday in Saint Lucia to "fully endorse" the Jolly Pranksters' bold and uncompromising "Vote Leave" referendum stance. Says El Tel: "As the great book so rightly says, in us and through us ENGLAND LIVES!" To order, brethren. Step off with the left foot.

May 3. Lars Frederiksen flew into London in time to host last night's Punk Rock Curry Club get-together in Blackheath Village. The assembled reprobates included Steve Whale, Gal, Jet from Buster Shuffle, JJ from the Last Resort, Chelsea Dom, Max Spartan, Barnet Mark, Sham 69's Robin Guy, Jimmy from Skurvi, Nick from Skunx tattoo parlour and Mr Lee Wilson who actually got a round in. Granted it was only for two people, but it's a start. Apologies for absence were received from Mark Wyeth (at Chelsea) and Terence Hayes, PM, (in the Caribbean). Richard England made the boozer, with one of the Saints, but not the curryhouse. Perhaps he'd seen the prices. After settling a bill Philip Green might have looked twice at, an ashen-faced Steve Whale announced that "in future all curry club meets will be in Lee or Sidcup". No-one tell John King.

The new Oxley's Midnight Runners single Conquest is out now from Randale and Oi The Boat. 'Don't Give Up The Fight' b/w 'Vengeance' is available on red, white and blue tri-colour vinyl (limited to 500) and also "beer" vinyl (another 500). It's the 4th instalment of the band's 7inch releases, following 'We Are Legion', 'Invasion', and 'Combat'.

Quick updates: our new album, London Bawling, is currently en route to Germany, and we're expecting to see the first footage from our DVD shoot next week. As to future projects, Lord Waistrel's decisions will be final but we're confident that our Ska compilation should be out by Autumn...

While we were away... Jeff Turner got engaged (congrats Stinky), and controversy surrounded the Jolly Pranksters St George's Day weekend after Colin Gannon seized upon the PM's lamentable absence to take over the entertainments committee. This coup de disgrace meant the expected mix of punk and Ska bands at the big Suffolk event were axed and replaced by a six hour Saturday evening homage to "the magic of the Music Hall". We're told this "diabolical night" consisted largely of "lousy" tribute artists recreating the acts of various obscure variety turns including: Wilson, Keppel & Betty (Egyptian sand dancers), singer Gertie Gitana, drunk comedian Archie Glen, speciality dancer Hal Menken, the naked Jane and her dachshund Fritz and Ted McLeod who "span ropes and lassoes while telling cowboy yarns". This appalling mess was held together by a compere claiming to be the wide boy comedian Arthur English, who died in 1975, but was in fact Fat Col himself! (He was "about as funny as a burning orphanage" according to one observer). This was Col's first public appearance since he was ejected from our DVD shoot on Friday for taking this appalling "up-skirt" picture of Wattsie - which we reproduce merely to emphasise how much it sickened us all.

Less controversial was the next day's closing festive board when incoming WM Brian 'Snake Hips' Sykes used the occasion to deliver a blistering speech committing all Pranksters to campaign "heart and soul" for Brexit. "This is not about politics," he said. "This is about liberty, democracy and self determination. It's about what generations of Britons have fought and died for, and about securing a safe, prosperous future for the next generations. It is time to reclaim our birthright and become a nation once again." The applause was said to be "tumultuous". So mote it be.

Here's the forest setting for the big Pranksters meet...
And here's the "blessed" seat where the heroic Snake Hips Sykes composed his rabble-rousing EU-bashing speech...
This is the very clapped-out jam-jar that Fat Col used to escape from Wattsie's vengeance after his disgraceful antics at the Hope & Anchor. Note the customised number plate.

Here's our mate Nick Welsh meeting Winston, the Hawkins & Joseph bulldog, in Hamburg recently. H&J are apparently developing a Peaky Blinders inspired flat cap with a fine Wilkinson Sword "tool" inside. But will it ever replace the sword stick?

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