Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
March 27. Here are some pretty pix from yesterday. More snaps may follow…
March 26. Another cracking day at the fabled Perry Vale Studios in beautiful downtown Forest Hill as we edge ever closer to completing what music experts are already calling “the greatest Gonads album of all time” – Revolution Now! Security today was “tighter than Lee Wilson at a pay bar”, says our insider Effete El who reports that Lord Waistrel sent his most trusted lieutenant, FB, to supervise proceedings with military precision in the face of the Fat Col threat. The band were joined by a crack team of trusted collaborators including ace lead guitarist Mark McMighty, Cockney comedy legend Mick Pugh (on Ragman’s Trumpet), street photographer Jim Jimmy James and 3 In A Bar singer Joe Pugh who guested on brand new song TDA – dubbed “Oi meets Motorhead and drinks them under the effing table”. That and streetpunk belter Hopper’s Hut were written entirely in the last few days and are both said to be “pure-punk-for-row-people anthems of the first order”. Other unheard gems include Gal and Clyde’s “mission statement and manifesto” Promised Land, with guest vocals by Aaron Rev from The Drowns, and Pentonville Five which has been described as “heavier than Fat Col in lead pantaloons”. All but two of the album tracks are now either fully or partly recorded and FB is confident that the record will be finished next month. (Not only that, we understand that two new songs are now officially works in progress, with the working titles Spanish Flies [Tribute To The Godfather] and Grey Alien Giveth).
But what of the Gannon problem, you ask? A laughing Effete El tells us “Kick-boxer Karen McGinty handled perimeter security. Fat Col and his upstart gang took one look at her formidable bouncers and legged it straight back to Plumstead.” So mote it fucking be.
RIP. Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins who died yesterday aged just fifty. The band posted: The Foo Fighters family is devastated by the tragic and untimely loss of our beloved Taylor Hawkins. His musical spirit and infectious laughter will live on with all of us forever. Our hearts go out to his wife, children and family, and we ask that their privacy be treated with the utmost respect in this unimaginably difficult time.
March 25. A Gonads away party, led by the Beast and including Gal, Leah McCaffrey, Millwall Kev and a 6ft 4 Scottish Mod called Titch, checked out P45 in a south east London social club last night. Long story short, the Gonads have now been asked to play there. There’s only one problem, they want two sets and no punk. “It’s a tall order,” the Beast tells us, adding “But it can’t be ruled out. It would be tragic if we missed gigs like this because of the band’s slow response to management’s repeated pleas for them to develop the Garry Bushell Experience.” Indeed.
STOPPRESS. We hear reports that Fat Col has assembled a gang of malodorous malcontents who intend to raid our recording session tomorrow and disrupt proceedings. Col’s drunk and deluded posse are angry that only two of his songs will be included on the new album, Revolution Now. Our source reveals THAT the mob plan to force the Gonads to record bad taste Gannon ditties including the puerile and unsavory Go On Go On Go (Just Shag Me Once) and the repulsive Just Wank Me Off (It Won’t Take Long). Members of Club 77 are asked to stay away for their own safety.
March 19. With a brand-new, action-packed, pure-punk album in the works, and three great gigs in the offing, you might expect all Gonads to be focused on the job in hand, but no. It seems that Gal and Wattsie Watts have become “worryingly distracted” by a new business enterprise that they intend to pitch on Dragons’ Den. A source close to Wattsie whispers that the pals are aiming to get Touker Souleyman on board. “Wattie thinks it’ll be a shoe-in cos Touker is a friend of Lord Waistrel,” they say. But a cynical DM comments, “We’ve heard all this before with the so-called ‘Great Gonads Curry’, it gets talked about for months but nothing happens; these two are to business acumen what Jeremy Kyle was to human decency.” Ouch. Blog editor’s note: The Great Gonads Ring-Stinger Ruby was and remains a genuine project (although it's not the one the singers are currently working on). The recipe has been perfected and it may still see the light of day, once manufacturing and distribution issues are sorted.
March 18. Suzi Moon releases a brand new 12inch EP called Animal a fortnight today featuring three songs – Animal, Sonic Attraction and Gold Record Autograph. Like her first EP, Call The Shots, it will be released by Pirates’ Press with a full-length solo album, Dumb & In Luv, to follow later this year.
In other noos: Keith Richards tells us that Steve Jordan will finish all the drum work on the new Stones’ album; Steve, who drums with the Strolling Bones live, was also in Keef’s X-Pensive Winos side-project... the Cockney Rejects launch their new album at the 229 Club on 16th July, with supports Infa Riot and Crown Court... and don’t forget, this is happening in Cardiff next month...
March 17. Heads up. Gal and Mark McMighty have now written the words and music for the new album’s most poignant track, Can You Take All This? Fit Bird tells us, “It’s a touching love story, innit? It’s about a geezer who spots a bird trying to unload her shopping in the pouring rain? She is getting wetter an’ wetter so this gentleman helps her out with her box... ” A rom-com waiting to happen. Move over Bublé, the new kings of romance are in town.
March 16. Christmas is coming early this year. As you know our December 2021 show with the Business at the 100 Club has been postponed until Saturday 21st May, but we still intend to play the festive Xmas set in full, including The Drinking Song and The Greatest Cockney Christmas. These songs will only be played at the 100 Club. Our second May gig, on Sunday 29th May – the Refuge benefit show in Brixton, will feature different, more tasteful ditties.
Despite John King and Fat Col’s critical remarks, we have received dozens of positive messages in the last 24hours praising Gal’s appearance and urging him to make a new Bushell On The Box TV pilot, complete with sketches and Gonads songs. It could very well happen...
March 15. Gal’s appearance on TV’s Talking Pints (GB News) last night has brought swift criticism from PPGB leader John King. After praising him for supporting St George’s Day and positive patriotism, John notes “Surprised you didn’t mention the PPGB, though, or your important role and loyalty to the party’s leader” (one John King – Ed). Fat Col then slammed him too, condemning Gal for “not mentioning the Gonads, Charlton Athletic, the blog, the Jolly Pranksters, Paulaner or the urgent need for the so-called Tory government to slash taxes on black stockings and mini-skirts”. Suitably contrite, the shamed singer has agreed not to appear on telly again until he gets the cultural agenda right.
March 13. An incredible day in the studio yesterday, as the band worked with military precision to get the basics of six tracks properly recorded. Mark McMighty joined on lead guitar and the whole operation left us open to charges of blatant professionalism. Songs like Ragman’s Trumpet, Scream My Name and title track Revolution Now were dubbed “phenomenal” by co-producer Pat, with Effete El adding “this could be the greatest Gonads album of all time”. Blimey. The band were in a ruthless frame of mind, rejecting numbers they thought were too mild or exotic for this pure punk platter. Out the window went Angels Of Avalon and Lunatic Asylum which will be replaced by two brand new songs being written as we type. These are believed to be Hopper’s Hut (Let’s Get Wrecked – a love song to Paulaner lager – and the 100mph stormer TDA. The only stumbling block yesterday came when we recorded 18 Stone Of Dynamite (Half Inch Fuse) the controversial autobiographical rocker written by Fat Col, which has been included to placate hardcore Gannon loyalists in Club 77. Wattsie mocked the lyrics heartily, sniping cruelly that with Col “eighteen stone was just one leg”. But Colin hit back, criticising her for saying her throat “needed oiling”, which he accurately branded “entrapment”. Close Gonads fans were shocked by the speed and efficiency of the work rate. Some suspect the guiding hand of the band’s former road manager FB, who is rumoured to be returning to the role as we build up for one last great crusade towards eternal glory before expiring “like a crusty drunken crack-head on the cold streets of Charlton, ignored, unwashed and unloved over Christmas”.
Club 77 have sent us the results of their latest survey, a list of “the Top Ten neglected Gonads songs” classics which are either sadly forgotten or strangely omitted from our current set. These are: Oblivion, Gob, TNT, Hey You, Conquest, Valhallaballoo, Cemetery Of Lost Souls, Infected, Reinfected and Surfing Rebel Psycho Punks. The club politely request that we include “at least three of them” in our Rebellion show. Acting Citizen Manager The Beast (yes, he’s coming back too) tells us: “We have looked at Club 77’s list with great interest and we will take on board their recommendations before completely ignoring them.” Spoken like a true ruthless bastard. Respect due. Onwards to glory!
STOP PRESS. We regret to announce that our Glasgow gig at Ivory Blacks, meant for 30th April, has had to be postponed due to unforeseen circumstances. The promoters are looking to confirm a date in Autumn, and we will be disappointed if that doesn’t become a mini-tour of Scotland taking in Cowdenbeath, Brokenwind (Aberdeenshire), Twatt (Orkney) and Assloss in Ayrshire.
March 6. Oi, mates! Blog now closed. We’re under the radar for at least a week. Back soon.
The rockabilly rebels, Teds, psychobillies and greasers among our global readership are recommended to buy and cherish this new book by Paul Wragg which tells the story of British rockabilly from the Sixties to the late 90s. It’s thoroughly researched and written with much detail and love, but stops before it reaches Mistress Material (perhaps advisably).
March 5. Lord Waistrel’s son, our potential future manager Algernon Casper Mount-Sally Waistrel, tells us he is planning to create his own crypto-currency – NadsCoin – to “ensure the Gonads reach their optimum global status”. He then bangs on at length about how the coin would mean that future band albums, DVDs and even the Curry On Up The Gonads film would exist exclusively in the form of NFT (non-fungible token) art. We have no idea what any of this means, but Club 77 spokesman Effete El probably spoke for all of us when he condemned the scheme as “elitist drivel” and NFTs as “a culture-wrecking con”. The Gonads are “a people’s band, and anything that removes us from the people is to be mocked and scorned – especially this capitalist crap,” he thundered. Here, here.
March 4. Quick update: some lyrics and a song demo for Put The Boot In To Putin have now been written. The plan would be to record it, separately from the new album sessions, and release it quickly with all profits going to Ukraine relief charities. But the problem is time. “Even if we recorded it tomorrow and released it digitally it wouldn’t be on sale until April,” explains The Beast, who has been pressed back into service as band spokesman. “A decision will be taken soon depending on the strength of the song and the possibility of effectively raising funds for the Ukrainian people. I believe it would raise more money if more bands joined us in the recording studio.” Over to you Jeff Turner, Steve Whale, Cock Sparrer, Mick Jagger and all.
STOP PRESS. We’re sending the DM all our best today after his health scare. Take care mate. You’re in our thoughts.
March 3. The Viper Room on Sunset Boulevard – scene of one of our favourite gigs on the 2017 tour – is closing in its current form, we can report. The old club will be replaced with “a 12-storey mixed-use high rise” which will include a recording studio, restaurants, cafes, shops, flats and a hotel. Although a venue area is planned, it will be out of action should any south east London band be planning any US dates, say in May, 2023. But conspiracy theorists believe the drastic rebuild of the West Hollywood club has been ordered directly because the great Dom Campaign, against rip-off beer prices at gigs, has spread to California – and The Viper Room was set to be their first target. Clyde Ward tells us, “It was a great gig for us, but many of the audience complained about the price of the drinks. They called it ‘a typical over-priced Hollywood rip-off’.” He adds, “The Dom Campaign is catching on worldwide. Robber barons with bars, pubs and clubs should quake in their well-heeled boots.”
March 2. The great Dom Campaign, inspired by Chelsea Dom to combat over-priced beer at venues, is gathering pace. We have been flooded with a veritable trickle of emails and phone messages backing the fight, none more florid than this one from Richie Rocker who says, ‘Totally behind you regarding overpriced ale at venues. It's getting stupid. The Academy in Liverpool is a joke. It’s coming to something when you can't get a Don Revie (bevvy – Ed) for less than a Lady (fiver – Ed). I blame hipsters and craft beer. Not to mention trendy gastro pubs, there was a time when a pint and a pie was enough, now your pork has to be pulled, chips come separate, and it's served up on a plank of wood instead of a plate. Bring back Higson’s bitter and Double Diamond!!’ Here here! Others have urged us to name and shame various pubs including The Craft Beer Company in Hammersmith, west London, which charges £7.95 for a pint of Odyssey IPA and The Singer Tavern in Shoreditch which stings you a whopping £12 for a trendy rice lager. Even Lord Waistrel has got into the spirit – he sent us a letter, written in quill on fresh veal skin and delivered by carrier pigeon, complaining about the price of a pint of champagne top at the Rivoli Bar at the Ritz. Our hearts bleed. Thanks for all your messages, but please remember that the campaign is specifically targeting beer prices at rock venues.
March 1. Incoming: Clyde Ward is trying to persuade Gal that a no-holds-barred Gonads book must be written, detailing all the genuine stories that have happened to us at gigs and on tour. Both of them are far too busy to actually write it themselves, but Clyde argues that they should employ a female assistant – known, mysteriously, only as “The Ballerina” – who would get the two of them together to record the oral histories and then transcribe their memories. “It will have to feature everything,” Clyde tells us. “From Pete Way and the Unidentified Cockney Gonads to Vicki Thomas via Germany, France, Sweden, and the three glorious US incursions – including the truth about that New York stripper and her snake. Ideally we’d get it recorded on the next American mini-tour when there’s all that time to fill on the road.” Sadly, it seems that Gal is against the idea, however. “E wants all them stories for his proper autobiography, dun’ ’e?” sniffs Fit Bird. “The first one he done was too censored, weren’t it?”
In other book news, Lazza Ogden has just published The Curse Of Dutch Courage, a comic novel based on his experiences touring with the likes of GBH and the Test Tubes, and sculpted into a cohesive fictional tale about a band called Dutch Courage who set off on a ten-date European tour and end up in all kinds of strife. They’re booked on mismatched bills, for and gigs set up by extremists and even get kidnapped by Spanish terrorists. The book is set in 1999 and the humour is off-set by a tragic twist...
