Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
June 30. Actual news. Gal will compile a 45th anniversary Oi album for a 2025 release – as long as the songs are there. He wants the album to mainly feature “a new breed of free-thinking bands who hit hard and don’t toe the line”, adding “We shouldn’t allow record companies, festival organisers and self-appointed censors to squeeze the spirit and spontaneity out of a movement that was never meant to be timid and tame”. The old slogan “having a laugh and having a say” is still relevant, he added. In an interview with Mad Wasp Radio he confirmed that the Gonads will stop touring in December 2024 and, although avoiding politics he said “The only valid vote on Thursday is a protest vote against the clapped-out establishment parties”, adding, bizarrely “Watch the horizon, the Titanic sails at dawn”.
June 27. Gal Gonad last night denied rumours that he is planning a new Dirty Metal Gonads LP after a “fake” album track-list was posted on the Vive Le Rock website. The “mischievous” post has now been deleted. Uncharacteristically tight-lipped, Gal said the list of titles – including IDRC, PRIAPIC PARK, and CAT-SUIT OF DREAMS – were half-written Gonads songs that he and Mark McMighty were working on. Miss Management stated that the list had been “in a bag full of Paulaner that was stolen from the studio by persons unknown” (Fat Col – Ed). The demo tapes of the songs, six in total, are safe, she added. She went on to say, “There are currently no plans for us to release any full-length studio albums this year or next. Songs for the next Gonads album have been written but we won’t be recording them until we have backing from a reputable record company. Besides, Gal has to finish writing his latest book before he can do any of that malarkey.” The new DMG ep is released on 2nd August.
The Gonads’ to-do list of recordings now includes: Gal’s Big 69, the Prole debut, a street-punk Gonads full-length, Tighter Up Volume 2, and the long-mooted “psychedelic punk” Orgasm Guerrillas project. That’s more than 100 new songs in total. Gal is also believed to be trying to finalise his Oi-Tone comp and a “very rough and extremely raw” Oi 45th anniversary comp with “dangerous bands”. A second DMG album is “definitely” not pending, however. Slippery Ted (“bookmaker to the stars”) reckons Tighter Up Volume 2 is odds-on favourite to be out first, but he is also taking bets that the Big 69 “will never see the light of day.” What a cynic. All 69 tracks are known to have been written.
June 23. Actual news: the Dirty Metal Gonads (DMG) re-assembled today to record their latest EP. The three-track jamboree of total-noise titbits should be re-leased in about seven weeks’ time. The DMG are a Gonads spin-off whose roots go back to our early 80s track TNT. It’s music with “its feet in punk, its heart in rock and its head full of angel dust”…
European punk & oi dates. COCK SPARRER 30th June, Hellfest, Clisson (France). COCKNEY REJECTS 7th September: Oi In Hoofddorp (Holland); 19th October: Sélestat, Les Tanzmatten (France). DISCIPLINE 9th November De Notelaar, Malle (Belgium); DONKEY LAUGH12th July, Punk Illegal Fest, Värnamo (Serbia); KLASSE KRIMINALE 16th August, Monkeys Music Club, Hamburg (Germany); 17th August, Spirit Festival, Loburg (Germany); 18th August: Don't Panic Club & Pub, Essen, Germany. RED LONDON 26th July: Back To Future Festival, Glaubitz, Germany. STOMPER 98 29th June: Vainstream Rockfest, Munster (Germany). 2nd October, Vechta Gulfhaus (Germany) 3rd October, Weinheim Cafe Central (Germany). 4th October: Gebaude 9, Cologne (Germany). THE TAKE 13th July: Novi Sad Exit Festival (Serbia); 22nd & 23rd: Paddy Rock Open Air, Hameln, Lower Saxony (Germany).
June 20. Temporary return. STOP PRESS. Devastating news. Lord Waistrel’s bid to run for Parliament has been declined after his favourite carrier pigeon, Peregrine, delivered his nomination forms 17 days too late. Grim-faced spokes-pleb Scrotum (his Lordship’s wrinkled retainer) tells us that Peregrine had been distracted by a Waistrel-like dalliance with “Petula, a particularly provocative peahen”. A shame, as it turns out that one of the good Lord’s key demands was for the Gonads to represent the UK at Eurovision 2025. Other more questionable manifesto policies included the removal of all tax and duty from champagne, brandy and Ben Shermans, Beki Bondage’s bust to be Grade 1 listed, the House of Lords to be disbanded and replaced by a second chamber consisting of 15 professional clowns and a troop of chimpanzees, free Ska to be available on the NHS, plus the revival of the rack (for criminals, conmen and tax collectors), the stocks (for politicians, pickpockets and piss-poor comedians) and the gibbet for “vandals, Just Stop Oil buffoons and louts on electric scooters”. Question Time would be liberated from a television studio to tour various public houses around the country where audiences would be armed with rotting fruit and veg, “with a man with a hook on stand-by to pull off any panelist who waffles or refuses to directly answer a question”. The 100-page manifesto had been reproduced by a team of monks working around the clock. Several pages are devoted to plans to decriminalise brothels with stipulations for the correct use of the cat-o’-nine tails by dominatrices. Latin, Greek and Cockney Rhyming Slang would become part of the national curriculum, all banned sitcoms would be returned to TV, The Good Old Days would be rebooted, all soaps would be rationed to one episode a week, the Last Night of the Proms would be broadcast twice a week, A Place In The Sun upgraded to A Palace In The Sun, and a grand National Pork Scratching Week would be proclaimed. To save money, 95% of all Civil Service jobs would be abolished. All taxes would be replaced by a 15% flat rate. And an 80ft Benny Hill’s statue would be raised at Southampton to boost tourism. Other pages demanded the cancellation of cancel culture, the restoration of fox-hunting “in all its festive glory”, the legalisation of bare-knuckle boxing, and argued that school Sex Education classes should “teach the Singapore Grip to all cultured females of sound mind over the age of sixteen”. A shocked Miss Management told the blog, “We didn’t even know he was planning to run.”
While we’re here: Issue 10 of Verbal is now out featuring an Alan Warner interview and short stories by Mike Head, Stewart Home, Kenny Moore, Walter Otton, Ben Richards, Joseph Ridgwell, Kevin Tosca, Irvine Welsh, Bruno Schulz, Gerald Kersh. Available here.
And the first ten bands for next year’s Scarborough Punk Festival have been announced: The Skids, the Cockney Rejects, GBH, Anti-Nowhere League, Conflict, Gimp Fist, the Bar Stool Preachers, The Vapours, Donkey Laugh and Millie Manders & the Shut Up.
Jun 18. Lord Waistrel last night dismissed a bid to keep “fiction and chaos” off this site through a system of journalistic fact-checking. Laughing heartily, Waistrel told the world’s press that “fiction and chaos are the two engines that drive this blog”. He also branded fact-obsessed critics “sterile control freaks, bureaucrats, puritans and bores”. However, His Lordship added that the blog will stay closed “until the blog monkeys and its so-called editor come up with decent gossip and libellous filth”. (News that Wattsie wants a tight-fitting leather cat-suit for Xmas did not, he said, merit immediate publication, although he has requested “first dibs” with the pictures and a king-size box of Harrods-brand tissues.)
In actual news, before we close again, we can confirm that work has begun on Nads-themed food-and-drink products including the long-perfected Gonads Curry, a top-secret, specially brewed Yeti-strength lager and a locally produced Bushell’s Bangers spin-off. A tight-lipped Miss Management reveals that prototypes of all three have been developed alongside Gal’s own ‘Punk Rock Pie & Mash’. She tells us: “All will be vigorously tested on volunteers before they are finally available to the public under our Gonads: The Pride of Charlton banner, and will be officially branded ‘GF’, that is Gannon-Free.” Thank the Lord for small mercies.
Jun 10. The news in headlines: Gal insists our big London 3-date mini-tour will be “pure punk for row people”… Lord Waistrel found shock… and this blog to officially close for “at least a week” from today in order to investigate “fake news” accusations… Those stories in full:
Gal Gonad, the sole surviving founder member of the southeast London punk combo (currently enjoying its 47th year of failure) last night announced that the band’s final shows will be “pure punk for row people, full-on street-rock’n’roll”. He went on to say that it would have “minimal cross-over with the acoustic set”, and that he has added angry bangers like Gob and Eat The Rich while dropping softer numbers. Gal, who was said to be in a mood described as “worryingly psychotic”, added that the Gonads’ future direction would be “harder, faster, louder, heavier and ballsier” as they built up for their tough and tasty penultimate album, Anarchy Now (planned for 2025).
In other news, Lord Waistrel has been found “alive, well and beetroot red” in St Lucia with Terence Hayes (PM). Local blog investigator Tyla Thompson reports that his Lordship had never been in Clacton and has not donated a penny piece to Reform UK who he dismissed as “free market radicals – the polar opposite of feudal reactionaries”. Ms Thompson adds that Waistrel and the PM have been “working on a powerful app called Wossname” and “studying the benefits of manifestation over red wine on Reduit Beach”. Bliss.
The revelation that the ‘Waistrel in Clacton’ scare was fake news has sparked a blog crisis. Grim-faced security officer Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) stated: “Management have ordered a thorough inquiry. The blog seems rather too keen to report rumours and smears as facts, allowing unscrupulous agents of chaos (Fat Col, John King etc) to generate fiction. We cannot allow the verity of blog posts to be questioned. As a respected source of information, we have long been up there with Reuters and The Times, not to mention Viz and the Sunday Sport. Therefore, the publication process will be reviewed and the blog will be closed until further notice while the investigation plays out.”
Jun 8. A source within the Kingy Youth – the youth arm of the PPGB – tells the blog that far from being kidnapped, Lord Waistrel is in fact “being treated to a five-day session in Clacton for his kind offer to donate to Sir Nigel’s fighting fund”. The anonymous, tag-wearing insider added, “No expense is being spared in the local Wetherspoons as operatives attempt to persuade our pal Waister to donate three times as much to the PPGB.” Denying blog “rumours”, he went on to claim that the PPGB have candidates standing in every constituency, adding “While they may not be represented on the physical ballot papers, they are there in spirit – which is far better.” Pausing to down a vintage room temperature Party 7, the secretive source (new recruit Effete El) went on: “As the leader has outlined, true democracy means adding the PPGB name to the ballot paper and ticking the box. As a non-party party that only exists while drinking, the PPGB reflects the dreams of the masses in a very direct and honest way.” But, he added, “However, it is also accepted that results matter, and given the fact that the PPGB vote dwarfed that achieved by Labour in the race to become London mayor – which means John King is now the real mayor of the capital – the electorate can feel confident that a tick for the PPGB is far from wasted, and that King could soon become prime minster.” Blimey.
Noos: Agnostic Front will headline of the InterTony Festival organised in support of the Music Against Racism campaign run by the NEVER AGAIN Association. The legendary NYHC band play InterTony – Festival of Twin Towns in Chojnice, Poland – next Saturday.
Jun 7. Here is Gal talking about his pulp fiction crime novels. The next Harry Tyler case is on the way… slowly. (Aren’t we supposed to be on a break? – blog monkeys’ union convenor).
Jun 6. As we remember D-Day today, let’s not forget our other heroes, the men who fought in Italy and Monte Casino, the 14th army – the forgotten army – in Burma and the far east, the veterans of the desert battles, the Atlantic, the Battle of Britain and more. For our tomorrow, many of them gave their today.
STOP PRESS. John King has denied allegations that the PPGB have kidnapped Lord Waistrel and has launched a formal inquiry. Could a PPGB splinter group be responsible?
STOP PRESS #2. The Pistols/Carter Bush Hall gigs have sold out. A third date will be announced tomorrow – “probably for the Thursday”.
Jun 5. The PPGB last night laughed off rumours that they have kidnapped Lord Waistrel. A stern-faced man, claiming to be a “John King associate”, tells us that the good Lord has merely been “taken into protective care for his own good”. He adds: “We wouldn’t want anyone throwing milkshakes, or worse, into his saggy old boatrace, now would we?” Miss Management condemned the PPGB for “blatant political interference” and called the kidnapping “a Stalinist affront to free speech”. Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) has been alerted.
Jun 4. We’re hearing rumours that Lord Waistrel has been kidnapped by the PPGB to prevent the eccentric feudal reactionary from donating £1million to his friend Nigel Farage’s election fund. More news when we have it.
Jun 3. Frank Carter & the Sex Pistols are uniting to help save historic music venue Bush Hall in West London, with two shows on 13th & 14th August. Frank, Steve Jones, Paul Cook & Glen Matlock will perform Never Mind The Bollocks in full both nights. Tickets go on sale Wednesday 5 June.
Breaking news: Lord Waistrel has vanished. Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkled retainer, tells us that the crusty curmudgeon has not been seen since Nigel Farage announced his decision to return to frontline politics earlier today. He adds “A thorough check of ’is Lordship’s husual ’angouts (the Carlton Club, the House of Lords bar, Grosvenor casino, Chastity’s Chest “for gentlemen’s relief”, Peckham etc) have drawn ha complete blank.” Blimey.
Jun 2. We’re shutting down for a bit, but before we go, here, as promised, is the final instalment of Gal’s Bells Of Hell Q&A session, topped up with your emailed questions. Question: What are the craziest things that have happened to the Gonads? Gal: The Unidentified Cockney Gonads weekend in Leeds via Sunderland with Pete Way and Mickey Geggus springs to mind. But the Gonads’ first US tour was off the scale. The second was beyond crazy. Every time me and Clyde go on the road it’s like a Brian Rix farce. We should write a book about it.
What’s the maddest thing you’ve ever done after getting really hammered? Gal: Pissing on the Berlin Wall with the Exploited in 1981 was probably the riskiest thing, although passing out with Ozzy was more life-threatening. I was lucky he only shaved off one eyebrow. There are a lot of answers to this question, one involving Mensi and a paternity accusation.
Q. If you had to go on holiday with a cartoon character, who would you choose? A. Betty Rubble. Jessica Rabbit would wear me out.
Q. Who is your all-time celebrity crush? A. Wattsie aside, Debbie Harry or Pauline Black, probably. A toss-up. Make up your own joke there.
Q. What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on? A. One I didn’t go on in LA with a friend of the rock writer Sylvie Simmons more than forty years ago. The friend was drop-dead gorgeous but I got hammered in Barney’s Beanery with one of the Bay City Rollers all afternoon and by the time she turned up at my hotel room at the Sunset Marquee, I was comatose.
Q. Tell us about the show you’ve been doing on Ustreme? Gal: It’s finished now. I did 48 eight-minute shows, telly-based with a D-I-Y feel, a lot of punk energy and a fair amount of rage.
Q. Why are the PPGB not contesting the general election? Gal: Obviously six weeks’ notice wasn’t enough time for John King, the leader, to marshal his sheriffs, raise funds and get organised.
Q. Do you think that Sunak panicked and calling an early election simply to head off the threat from the PPGB? Gal: Not really. More likely he did it to try and nobble Reform.
Q: Did punk influence your politics? Gal: I was a revolutionary back in the 70s, so bands like the Clash reinforced with my worldview. These days I’m far more cynical about politicians of all sorts. Most punk was anti-politics, and that’s closer to how I think now. Practical patriotic anarchism is the answer. Less state and bureaucracy, more freedom and D-I-Y.
Q. Which comedians do you relate to who aren’t old school, blue-collar ones you always back? Gal: Harry Hill. Jerry Sadowitz. Craig Ferguson. Tommy Tiernan. Shayna Ross. Bill Burr. Micky Flanagan. Loads. I want to see my friend Christine Peake’s act. I tried to persuade Manic Esso to do stand-up, he makes Frankie Boyle seem like a Chuckle Brother. I like angry comedy too. Jerry Stiller as Frank Costanza was just brilliant.
Q. Do you have an imaginary friend? Gal: Let’s leave Fat Col out of this.
Q. What type of secret society would you start and what would be the initiation ritual? Gal: The Jolly Pranksters sound fun. If I told you the ritual, I’d have to kill you.
Q. How long can the Pranksters remain a man-only organisation? Surely like the Garrick it’ll have to admit women soon. Gal: Obviously I’m not a member so it’s none of my business. You need to ask the PM if you can find him. He’s like the Scarlet Pimpernel of Oi these days.
