Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
July 25. A great gig last night, with fans travelling from as far away as Merseyside and Bournemouth to see what might well turn out to be the Gonads’ last-ever performance. The hour-long set was: Lager Top, Charlton Boys, SE7 Dole Day, Oi Mate, Buy Me A Drink You Bastards, I Lost My Love To A UK Sub, Skinhead Girl, Federales, Beano, Beer Can Boogie, Alconaut, Grant Mitchell, Dance Fat Boy Dance, Getting Pissed, Punk Rock Will Never Die, Yeti, Jobs Not Jails, Tuckers’ Ruckers Ain’t No Suckers. Encore 1: Punk Rock Till I Die/Joys Of Oi. Encore 2: Alconaut. Thanks to Kerry and the gang for organising the event and to Liverpool Rob for his sensitive portrayal of the FrankenSkin.
Fresh from the triumph of Welling, however, the band were left reeling from a fresh blow this morning. Concerned by recent “schizophrenic” blog posts, Lord Waistrel has closed us down for the foreseeable future. Worse, he is planning to send in an official ‘investigator priest’ from the Church Of Oi to interrogate everyone involved with the blog and the band – even Fat Col! An ashen-faced El tells us, “This is a seriously worrying development. The investigator priest could well order the blog to shut down entirely pending the findings of the inquiry, which could take months – especially if Wattsie starts filling them in on her conspiracy theories…” He went on, “All Gonads gigs have been postponed, as have recording sessions. Many feel this is an over-reaction, but on the positive side it might give us time to heal the unfortunate rifts that have developed lately.” So mote it be.
July 24. It’s Welling tonight, chaps, chappesses and dominatrices. We’re on stage at 10pm and will be playing for a full hour. As it’s likely to be our last London show for some time (and possibly ever – Ed), Lord Waistrel has announced that anyone who comes dressed “in a Carry On style” will be entitled to a free CD! And anyone who comes as Daphne Honeybutt can sit on his lap for the duration. Oi oi!
July 23. We’re hearing disturbing reports of a bitter row inside the band. One informant tells us, “Gal has had enough, ain’t he? He asks for something to be done, everyone agrees it’s a blinding idea, and then the fuckers ‘forget’ about it.” The informant who can’t be named goes on, “He is at the end of his tether, in’e? He’s talking about calling it a day after tomorrow. He’s cancelled the North East shows and is on the verge of pulling out of Ilfracombe.” Brushing away a tear, our anonymous source (Fit-Bird) continues: “We’ve bin down this road before but this time it’s serious. By the looks of it, Welling will be the last gig the Gonads ever play.”
July 22. Could the Gonads be the first band ever to play in space? That’s maybe not as far-fetched as it sounds. Waistrel’s pal Richard Branson is planning this historic first as his next PR stunt (we can exclusively reveal) – and might be susceptible to “a gentleman’s agreement”. If not, Gal knows the amazing female astronaut Wally Funk who might well be persuaded to put a word in with her mate Jeff Bezos. Don’t scoff, as Effete El says, what better song to usher in the next stage of humanity’s rise to the stars than Alconaut?
Gal’s podcast chat with Colin Edmonds has gone down so well that there will be a part two next month which is likely to include Gal’s turbulent times on XFM, Virgin Radio and TalkSPORT… watch this space for details.
Yesterday’s myths dispelled: 1) Jay the Tripod utterly denies claims that he is forming a Goth band. The great man tells us: “To hell with Trotsky and his photoshopping, I’m punk rock till I die!” 2) The real reason Fat Col won’t come to our gig this Saturday in Welling is that Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) had banned his plan to invade the stage, drop his strides and stick a flare up his arse, Euros 2020 style. Says Big Mart, “Col is trying to make a name for himself as some kind of activist, when he’s really a sad old bastard with nothing to live for but the odd smidgeon of controversy and disdain.” Harsh but true.
July 21. Breaking news: a band who have not played or rehearsed together for more than eighteen months have dramatically announced that they have parted company with their two guitarists. A band spokesman said, “We are determined to continue not playing and not rehearsing without them for the foreseeable future.”
Fat Col has shocked his fan club (Sid and Doris Puke) by REFUSING to come to Saturday’s gig in Welling – even though he could walk there from his Plumstead hovel (Chateau Chav) in about twenty minutes – 15 if he didn’t stop for chips. Col informs us he is staying away in protest at “the dodgy oi-hop project” and also because he wants Wattsie out of the band. “Wattsie so-called Watts is a disruptive and negative influence,” he fumed. “True fans must boycott your gigs until she’s gone – to keep the Gonads alive.” Blimey. Jay the Tripod is also swerving the Welling show on the more reasonable grounds that he lives more than 3,000 miles away. But surely the rumours that he’s starting a Goth band are malicious?
Questions of the week. Our readers ask: 1) Are you playing the same set at Welling as you did at the New Cross Inn? Answer: No, we’ve shuffled it about and are adding a song or two. 2) Will there be vinyl on sale? A. Only if you pre-order it by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org 3) When will there be more Gonads vinyl? A: Not this year. 4) Will you be playing Punk Rock Bowling in May 2022? A: Not all of us…
July 20. Breaking news: Despite mounting opposition, Gal and Shona last night announced plans to record a stand-alone “oi-hop” single called Johnny Two Jabs b/w The Golden Shot (Coventry Recriminations). The rebel pair are “writing like billy-o” according to Gal’s PA Fit Bird, and are attempting to recruit ace producer Clyde Ward to their cause. “They’ve just written another track called Man Up PM, ain’t they?” she adds. The rest of the band remain unconvinced and will take their concerns direct to Lord Waistrel in the hope that they can persuade him to “snuff out this whole foolish enterprise”, allowing them all to return to the more serious business of Revolution Now.
July 19. Here are some sizzling shots from today’s sweat-stained rehearsal in Dartford… despite the baking heat it sounded a treat – largely thanks to our potcheen supply from Belfast (cheers Tommy!). But although, it was all smiles on the surface, real controversies were bubbling away beneath the bonhomie – largely because Gal and Shona unveiled their plans for a “punk rock, oi-oi hip hop project”. The secretive duo have already written large chunks of their proposed album, entitled CON-s-PIRACY, with songs including Evil Step Mum, Clot Shot, No Breakfast Blues, Cobwebbed Curtains, Cherry Bombed, (Won’t See Your) Garden Furniture and the outrageous Full House Bajingo. Major labels are interested and fellow South Londoners Stormzy and Big Narstie might even guest on the album’s title track. But the plan has caused consternation among band and fans alike. An ashen-faced Effete El, chairman of the Club 77 group, has condemned it as “a counter-productive sell-out” and “a step away from the Gonads’ pure-punk-for-row-people mission statement of Revolution Now that is certain to end in tears”. Gal’s PA Fit Bird responded defiantly, “To hell with predictability! Let chaos reign!”
July 18. Lord Waistrel thought long and hard about yesterday’s results and came to a big conclusion: OILY RAG should be back in the set. “His Lordship listens”, purred Scrotum (Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer). Yeah, he listens all right. He just doesn’t hear.
Music News: California-based ska-punk heroes The Interrupters release Live In Tokyo! next week via Hellcat Records. The ten-track live album, produced by guitarist Kevin Bivona, is taken from their 2019 set at Tokyo's Summer Sonic Festival… Iron Maiden have just posted a video for brand new song The Writing On The Wall.
July 17. The results are in! We asked you to vote for the Gonads songs, not currently in our set, that you would like to see included in future. The Top Fifteen were: 1, Rob A Bank 2, Lager Louts 3, England’s Glory 4, London Boys (Rise Up) 5) Unky Bunk 6) The Growler 7) Got Any Wrigley’s, John? 8) Lights Out In Charlton 9) British Steel 10) Sandra Bigg Really Big 11) She Can’t Whip Me 12) Back Street Army 13) Valhallaballoo 14) Beki Bondage Please 15) Oblivion. What a set that would be!
July 16. Big tease # 1. Our secret project with a top US streetpunk band is now all done except for the mixing. We’ll let you know when it’s finished but believe us, it is the bollocks! Big tease #2. Which well-known and well-respected Cockney herbert is starting work on a game-changing solo EP backed by some of the best musicians around? For the answer, watch this space…
July 15. Record news: to celebrate ten years of Bishops Green, Rebellion Records have re-released three of their CDs – Pressure, A Chance To Change and their self-titled debut. Limited to 500 copies each, the gold edition CDs come in “solid super jewel boxes and with adapted artwork”.
July 13. New comp out now! Oi 2 The World Volume 3 celebrates women in Punk, Oi, and Ska. Our own Attack Of The Zombie Skinheads is included. Next week it comes out on CD too.
July 11. It’s the big day at last. Good luck to our boys who have played a blinder. Why not get yourself in the mood with a rousing slice of England’s Glory?
Here’s this week’s big question for you, the loyal Gonads blog aficionado: which of our songs which we DON’T currently play, would you like to see back in the set? Let us know by emailing email@example.com. We’ll publish the results next weekend.
July 10. Tickets for February’s Ilfracombe Punk fest are now on sale, they’re £35 for the weekend . On site accommodation is also available. It costs £172.00 for a 2-bed apartment (which sleeps 4). Here’s the booking link. We headline on Friday 11th.
July 9. Sad to see Fat Col didn’t make the cut on last night’s Dragon’s Den. It seems the world just isn’t ready for a blow-up Yeti sex-doll with rotating breasts.
Good luck to the PM who has an operation today on his woss’name.
July 8. Mob Justice, the first album from Boston’s HC herberts the Rival Mob is freshly available as a vinyl picture disc (Revelation Records)… Out next week, Oi 2 The World Volume 3, a comp of female-fronted punk, Oi and Ska ditties including our Attack Of The Zombie Skinheads.
July 7. It’s England vs Denmark tonight in the semis. Our commiserations to Mr Frederiksen. Bloody shame the Business never got around to turning Harry May into Harry Kane as suggested here back in 2018…
Gal’s latest Sounds Of Glory is now on Mixcloud, featuring Squeeze, The Jam, The Clash, Millie Small, Elvis Costello and, here’s a surprise, the SkaNads among many others…
July 6. Gig noos: Hung Like Hanratty top the bill on the first night of the Mayhem At Mick’s farm-based two-dayer in Fleckney, Leicester, next month (August 13 and 14); the Blue Carpet Band headline on the Saturday – it’s 16 bands and one cow shed with free camping and you bring your own booze… Boilermaker, The Glory and the Allergics play the Punk ’n’ Oi night at Darlington Forum on Aug 16.
July 5. The Warriors play the New Cross Inn on Saturday week (17th) with the Guitar Gangsters, Monkish and L.O.A.D.
July 2nd. We apologise for yesterday’s shocking post. It was NOT written by Wattsie and was NOT authorised by the band. This blog is now securely closed, with security measures imposed to stop it from being hacked again. Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) is personally investigating this distressing incident and is said to have a list of prime suspects. An ashen-faced Effete El tells us, “If these sorts of things can be said about Gal, there is no telling who the next target will be. Nobody is safe, not Clyde, not Wattsie, not even the PM.” Gulp.
July 1st Update: Ignore yesterday’s post, the Charlton Liberation Front are back in charge of this blog and we are pledged to restore it to the impeccable heights of scurrilous gossip it reached in times gone by. And so where better to start than with this 100% official and delightfully schizophrenic Nora Nottsie Notts column. Ms Nottsie writes:
So Gal Gonad is going to launch a one-man show in 2022. Give us a break, old-timer! Gal you are 67 next year. Your knees have gone, your back has gone, and you can barely hobble to the Hopper’s Hut unaided. How the fuck are you going to get through a tour? Cos I ain’t driving! No sirree!!! No offence, granddad, but we’ve heard your stories already and they weren’t that great to begin with. Just saying!!!
Gal Gonad – what a geezer! He’s 67 next year and he’s still going strong with his books and songwriting and Gonads gigs. He even has time for a day-job. I for one can’t wait to cheer him on as his one-man show plays to sold-out venues. I’ll be there down the front of the queue for an autograph and who knows what else!! Bushell on my box? Yes please!! Can’t wait!!!!
Shona & The Alien? Leave it out! What a miserable slice of insipid soft-pop ‘reggae’. No wonder it failed to make the charts. You even got the alien wrong! The lyrics were doggerel and nobody likes it. Even NASA wouldn’t fake something this amateur!!! No offence, but beam me out!!!!
Shona & The Alien? What a sexy and sublime piece of pure pop art, daddio! It’s knowing and funny with a hook that could land Moby Dick. Who is this Shona? She sounds out of this world! And that big furry ET can materialize in this earthling’s bedroom any time you like!!!! I’ve got the space if you wanna race, big boy (More tomorrow! – Ed)
July 1st. Please note this blog is now closed for a week.