Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

 

THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!

July 31. Weekly round-up: at last the return of Curry Night! The Gonads traditional Curry Night/Planning Meeting resumed tonight in sunny Sidcup where a “very big decision” about the band’s future was taken. When we asked what it was, Miss Management told us sternly: “We decided to have another Curry Night”. So mote it be. The Gonads! We drink so you don’t have to...

Phil, Paul, JC and Gal, moments before Paul pulled a stroke worthy of Lee Wilson over the beer tab...
The Gonads plus Aitch, Millwall Dan, Miss Management and merch manager Jo Gonad

July 25. We are going offline for a while, but we will return when there is news to report. Until then, cheerio chums.

July 24. Club 77 are asking ALL blog readers to lobby Captain Oi to persuade him to rush out a special picture disc pressing of the Joys Of Oi – the seventh Oi album, curiously snubbed by the Captain – as part of this year’s 40th anniversary of Oi celebrations. “If he refuses then I say let Randale Records do it,” thunders Effete El.

In other random guff, the Cockney Rejects start recording their new album tomorrow… Terence Hayes (DM) is back working on his long awaited Badoe To The Bone solo ep... The Templars have released Reconquista Volume II, the brand spanking new second volume in the Reconquista series via TKO Records, a compilation of cover versions, singles, and other rare gems from their back catalogue, all re-mastered from the originals... and the Orgasm Guerrillas say they will reform “as soon as they can get hold of a gizmotron” (the device developed by Kevin Godley and Lol Creme of 10CC in 1975 which is apparently “vital” for their new songs).

Happy 68th birthday Lynval Golding.

July 23. What fresh treachery is this? Our so-called tribute act the Go-Mads have changed their name to the Thunder-Nads in an attempt to curry favour with Sandie West. They are also said to be trying to recruit genuine former Gonads to “contest the legitimate ownership” of the band name. An unimpressed Beast says: “As Gal is the founding member and has been the face of the Gonads since 1977 and Clyde Ward has been a band member since the early 90s, there is no serious claim for the unknown Thunder-Nads to ‘own’ the name of the Gonads even if they recruit a couple of session musicians. It is all bluff and bluster.” Paul Devine (round-dodger) is thought to be behind the cynical development.

July 22. Proper news: we wanted young bands as support acts at the New Cross Inn gig in November and so far we have two teenage combos, one rock, one Mod, clamouring to be on the bill. More details when everything is confirmed.

July 21. Old notebooks with details of the Gonads’ earliest years have been uncovered in a skip (!) outside Nads HQ in beautiful, downtown Chelsfield, along with ‘sacred texts’ concerning the genesis of the Jolly Pranksters. Experts say the discovery is hugely historically significant both for students of London punk and scholars investigating the secretive order. Sotheby’s say that the hand-written Prankster texts “may be worth a small fortune” if authentic. A disinterested Fit-Bird sniffs: “Oh that! Yeah, it’s all old stuff they found when they cleared out the attic, innit, writing and shit. Anyway can’t stop, luv, I’m getting me nails done at ten.”

July 20. Oh no! Our spies in LA inform us that visionary director Sandie West (Hollywood Pest) is taking her GONADS movie in a completely new direction... from left to right: JC, Wattsie, Gal, Clyde, Paul and Phil...(bottom shot, Miss Management).

PETE the Perv writes: dear sirs and madams, as a regular reader of your so-called blog I was disappointed to find that the ‘bottom shot’ you just promised of Miss Management was nothing of the kind. Please rectify (or rectum-ify) by return. Yours Pete (the Perv), Portsmouth.

Nads Ad: Available now for lovers of vintage punk rock journalism: The Early Works Of Chelsea Dom, collected in one handy volume. Features the great Vive Le Rock and Street Sounds scribe’s earliest writings including: his first letter to Santa, a postcard to his Nan from Clacton, his first 100 lines at school (‘I must not wear girls’ clothes in class or use their lavatory’), a letter to Jim’ll Fix It and a forged note from his mum to skip games. A snip at £55 from Gannon Books, The Common, Plumstead. ‘Not the best read in the world but by careful positioning it kept my kitchen table from rocking’ – The Times Literary Supplement. ‘Banging!’ – The Morning Star. ‘Book of the week’ – The Tufty Club. ‘A grate reed’ – Chelsea match day magazine.

Here it is, our savaged and ruined stage cock, covered in “blood” and separated from its rubber pants by what appear to be teeth marks. “Whoever did this is seriously unhinged,” said a traumatised and tearful Fit-Bird. The cock is said to have been modelled on a real one belonging to a long-serving Gonad who shall remain nameless. A member’s member no less. It was turned to plaster by a student of the legendary American artist Cynthia Plaster Caster using shop-lifted dental mould. The rubber version was supplied by Si Spanner. We’re divided on what should happen next. Repair, replace or abandon? Only time will tell. Although as she’s a suspect, Waistrel has decreed that Wattsie “cannot be allowed to vote”.

Here’s Ziggy Marley covering some of his Dad’s classics at the Bob Marley 75th celebration. One love, people.

June 19. Shocking news. Yesterday a person or persons unknown broke into Nads HQ in beautiful downtown Chelsfield, STOLE our stage cock from the prop drawer and savagely DETACHED it from the rubber pants that made it wearable. The emasculated cock was then SMEARED with tomato sauce to suggest that the brutal process had been bloody and painful. As ashen-faced Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) described the crime as "once of the worst and most humiliating affronts the Gonads have ever suffered, this is a most aggressive and malicious act that strikes at the throbbing core of untamed machismo which runs through this great band". But who is responsible? Kent police speculate that the criminal mastermind behind the appalling desecration is either someone with a grudge against the cock (e.g. Wattsie Watts), someone with a grudge against the band (e.g. Lee Wilson, the round dodger) or an agent of our archenemy Sandie West, Hollywood Pest. They have put their best detectives on the case, a duo referred to simply as Norfolk and Goode.

PRANKSTER Noos: the United Grand Prankster Lodge of Albion last night announced that despite opening speakeasies in response to enforced pub closures and refusing to cancel live events not a single English Prankster has contracted the Coronavirus. Luke "Shark-bait" Sallow (IPM) told a stunned press conference that Pranksters were "fortified" by a special diet which includes a copious intake of eels, whelks, winkles, cockles, steamed clams, mussels and roll-mops as well as breakfast brandy, "at least one small beer every hour", weekly hot curries, and "a proper gentleman's full English on lodge days" consisting, according to Shark-bait, of "two eggs, two bacon, two sausages, beans, a fried slice, black pudding, white pudding, fried mushrooms, fried tomatoes, kippers, grilled oysters, potato cakes and toast, followed by bubble & squeak and a chip butty dripping with melted butter and Daddies brown sauce". This extraordinary calorific intake is thought to be necessary in order for brethren to take part in vigorous "advanced lodge practices" (such as the 'démarches débiles' in the top secret fifth degree, Morris dancing on initiation and sword dancing which forms part of the "golden" elevation ceremony on the rare occasion when a WM like Terence Hayes becomes a PM). Our insider reports that the obvious impact of the full English on the digestive system has "the additional benefit of keeping outsiders, snoops and undesirables out of the temple for many days afterwards; we call it the divine wind." So mote it be.

NOOS: Menace's I Need Nothing has been re-issued as a 7" single with an unreleased bonus song, I Like Chips (on Queer Pills)... Captain Oi is re-releasing a barrow-load of Cock Sparrer CDs, including Back Home, The Decca Years, Guilty As Charged 2009, The Albums 1978-87 (four CD box set), The Albums 1994-2017 (four CD box set) and Two Monkeys 2009. But last night Club 77's Effete El branded the move "a pettifogging distraction from the main issue - why the fuck are you blanking The Joys Of Oi you plums?"

July 18. Hallelujah! We are back in live action! On Friday 13th of November we headline the New Cross Inn, south east London. Supports tbc. Advance tickets are £8 and it’s a cockle on the door. The Gonads: A great lusty raspberry of creative excess. We shake, shock and rock – we make the rest look average stock.

NOOS: The Wailers’ new single One World, One Prayer is out now – “a powerful song focused on unity, love and inclusion beyond cultural differences” with guest artists Shaggy, Farruko and Bob Marley’s daughter Cedella and grandson Skip Marley, produced by Emilio Estefan... also just released, a brand new 12inch from New York’s The Slackers – Nobody’s Listening b/w Sleep Outside via BrooklynVegan (please note, this is not a picture disc, it’s a one-sided black vinyl record, with full colour digital printing on the B-side). PLUS the band’s incredible double album Live At Ernesto’s is available for the first time on vinyl, remixed and re-mastered from Pirates Press...

Nads ad: Ruin your friends’ parties and special events by booking our exclusive Yeti-O-Gram – a heavily-overweight boiler who will turn up sloshed, strip naked and make lewd advances. For details contact C. Gannon, CEO Yeti Services Unlimited, Waistrel House, The Common, Plumstead. (“Extras” available for cash.)

A blog reader who signs himself “Pete the Perv” from Portsmouth emails to ask: ‘why are there no pictures of how the divine Miss Management looks right now for her gentlemen admirers to drool over?’ Happy to be of service you perverted bastard.

July 17. Cherry Red will release the 40th anniversary box set of the first six Oi albums in September. Pre-order direct from them to blag a free limited edition badge while stocks last. Even more exciting a brand new Oi compilation featuring new and exclusive tracks from the biggest names on the scene will follow later this year. The Cherry Red box set features Oi The Album, Strength Thru Oi, Carry On Oi, Oi Oi That’s Yer Lot, Son Of Oi and The Oi Of Sex. But last night Club 77 condemned the label and Cherry Red for leaving out seventh album, The Joys Of Oi which they describe as “one of the best in the second series of Oi albums and certainly the most Gonadian”. (We wrote the title track, and the album also includes songs from Prole and the Orgasm Guerrillas along with Lord Waistrel’s seminal Reg & Ron – written by Gal, who also played guitar on the track, with Mark Brabbs from Tank as Waistrel. Vendetta’s number, Willing To Kill was written by Gal and JJ Bedsore from The Blood).

Nads Ad: Top drawer Cosmetic Surgery at competitive prices! Breast enlargements, nose reductions, ear corrections, butt implants, drain clearing, pebble-dashing, rendering, grouting, gardening (front and back). Contact Fat Col’s Cosmetic Surgeons & Handy-Men; Waistrel House, The Common, Plumstead.

July 16. Some bands have gone to pot in the lockdown. Not us, we’re keeping busy and aging well... as these latest very true pictures reveal:

Gal: “calm and rational”

James “JC” Cruttwell: “just chilling”

Wattsie Watts: no filters required

Phil “Macho Man” Fury: hunky, eh girls?

Paul SkaNad: rocka-belly rebel

Clyde Ward: with the masters for our soon-to-come new singles...

We’re pulling out all the stops to play a proper Gonads gig in London this November. Watch this space for confirmation. We are particularly keen on having young bands as supports – be they cockney rock, streetpunk, Ska, psychobilly, indie or Mod – so get in touch if the fancy it. In the meantime, here’s some rare footage of AC/DC belting out What Do You Do for Money Honey live at Tokyo’s Nihon Seinenkan back in 1981.

July 15. Third Man Records are about to release a lost Johnny Cash live album on their Vault label. The show was recorded on April 29th, 1973, at LA’s Ahmanson Theatre as part of Columbia Records’ six night A Week To Remember. Johnny brought his road show, which included wife June Carter Cash and guitar legend Carl Perkins. Their live set includes Big River, Sunday Morning Coming Down, a medley of Folsom Prison Blues/Wreck Of The Old 97/Orange Blossom Special and Jackson.

We quizzed Fat Col about his irritating Wattsie Watts fixation. What is it about her that makes you so obsessive? He replied: “I like a woman who makes me feel alive, but also lets me know it might not be for long.” Fair play, but we’ve had enough of it. Anything to do with Col’s persistent stalking is now banned from this blog by order of Miss Management.

July 14.
An agitated Gal Gonad takes issue with yesterday’s blog posting. He tells us: “Federales is our stand-out new number. It’s our best song for twenty years and you haven’t even mentioned it! The others are just froth.” Sorry boss.

In an unrelated story, Fat Col tells us he has written two new tracks for his 18 Stone Of Dynamite project – the romantic, I Should Have Fucked Old What’s-Her-Name, dedicated to all the women he claims “I could’ve shafted but never bothered to chase”; and yet another song about Wattsie (Why does he bother? – Ed). It’s called Groovy Lady, a sub-Sinatra racket that starts: ‘She’s such a groovy lady/Tells me “no” but her eyes say “maybe”/Shows me she cares with a knee in the nuts/Yeah it hurts, but she likes to play rough’ (etc etc over several verses). The fool goes on: “I see it as a companion song to Garry Johnson’s classic If Looks Could Kill and it should be performed in the same way, with Mad Frankie on the Joanna and Garry J crooning away...” Note to readers: This is the same If Looks Could Kill which was recently described on this very blog as “the worst song ever to feature on any official Oi album”.

Col isn’t the only one setting his sights low. Club 77 member Effete El claims to have detected a new rift in the band between “those who see Gonadery as a hobby to be played out in small venues to dwindling audiences – no more than a social thing”, and those “visionaries who want to carve the band’s name in the rock ’n’ roll hall of fame and piss on the also-rans from the heights of popular culture”. Blimey. Sadly, according to El, the band is currently split 4-2 in favour of the so-called hobby-Nads.

July 13. We are delighted to report that there has been an immediate, positive reaction to our new recordings. The great Cockney comedian Micky Pugh says that Pub Crawl “could be the next Oi! Mate” while a passing rock critic describes The Full English as “a merry mix of The Clash and Ian Dury with a large dollop of Max Splodge”. Blimey. Thank you!

There were several contenders for ‘quote of the day’ in the studio on Saturday, not least Clyde’s opening line: “Come on boys, show me what you’ve got”... (something tells us he’s spent way too much time with Right Said Fred). Gal’s first words to Miss Management weren’t much better. “Me and Shona have hardly slept,” he told her, which was true but to Fat Col’s relief the pair had been tossing and turning four miles apart...

Wattsie starred with Clyde in the best exchange of the day. He was talking about her playing a cafe waitress in our song The Full English when he asked: “Can you sound more slaggy?” Wattsie: “I’ve got no idea wot you mean”... an instant classic. Like many Facebook addicts, our Wattsie has gone from Corbynista to conspiracy obsessive in Lockdown and spent much of the day muttering darkly about George Soros, 5G, and paedos in high places; but she out-did herself with the unconvincing claim that “Michelle Obama is a man”. The surprise of the day was that Fat Col arrived at the studios... almost. The fat perv actually reached Forest Hill ahead of us at 9.15am but tells us: “I was so excited about the thought of seeing Shona and Sarah that I decided I needed to have one off the wrist in the car to calm meself down. Long story short: quiet lay-by, passing police cun... stable, instant nicking, and a charge of indecent exposure... ” And they say there’s no such thing as justice. Here as promised are some jolly pictures...

July 12. Weekly Round-up: The twelfth is more glorious than normal this year, brothers and sisters, because yesterday we completed the last of six new tracks. Three of them were inspired by “very true stories”; including Federales which is due for inclusion on a very special compilation album later this year. And two of them will definitely be included in our live set. The next Gonads single, Too Old To Riot b/w The Full English will be released in early September at the same time as the new three-track GBX ep Pub Crawl. So it’s GBX versus the Gonads, but who’s best? There’s only one way to find out – FIGHT! Pictures and more soon, we’d imagine...

PS for trivia fans: There was actually a seventh song but sadly our attempt to record Lockdown Blues ended in tears. JC was tasked by Lord Waistrel to deliver a “blistering Steve Vai style” guitar solo for the one minute ditty but he had to get to work. There then developed an ugly stand-off between Wattsie Watts who had her heart set on a gazebo solo and Leah McCaffrey who turned up with her ceramic ocarina. Long story short: Lockdown Blues bit the lockdown dust.

Remember Maniac Youth on the Son Of Oi! album? There’s a rumour going round on various Crass sites that their former bassist Pete Wright (the one who fell out with them all and got more into Class War) was involved with the Maniac’s scorching hot track Make Mine Molotov. Here’s our problem: Gal can remember who sang and who played guitar and drums on the angry anthem, but not who played bass... the lyrics (‘Make mine Molotov/I don’t want a lager top’) are surely demented enough...

Music Noos: The Old Firm Casuals’ album A Butcher’s Banquet has been reissued in a special limited edition. The A-Side looks like a red vinyl record until you see the band and album name looking like a shadow underneath the grooves. The B-side is printed full colour, and looks just like a picture disc - but it isn’t. The picture disc sleeve is printed with the original album artwork, and a mirror foil gold backing card sits behind it, and folds out doubling as a gatefold lyric insert. It’s available now from Pirates’ Press and will not be pressed again in this format, so giddy up if you want a copy kidlets... LA’s Vis Vires have released their debut album, The Fight Goes On, on Contra Records; it’s limited to 800 copies of which 200 are galaxy red and 200 are white...

And finally, a reminder that NOi!se’s second new single Price We Pay is out now on orange vinyl and is ‘a stark critique of America's prison-industrial complex’ consequently it comes encased in a printed bag featuring prison bars and barbed wire. In a related story, acting Gonads Assistant Comrade Manager, Effete El has been assigned to contact Skippy to suggest a special 12inch edition of GBX’s Pub Crawl which he says “would be the first vinyl ever to come with a pint of lager and a scratch-and-sniff pork scratching aroma”. Nice.

July 11. See our reply to Derek Philpott’s critique of Karl Marx Supported Millwall on Facebook today.

July 6. Breaking News # 1. In a shock move, Lord Waistrel has thrown his considerable resources behind Kanye West in the race for US President this year.

Breaking News # 2. Gal is being investigated by the Metropolitan police after pictures emerged of him flagrantly breaching the 6ft 6 social distancing rules with Carrie Griffiths in Camden yesterday. A rattled Fit Bird tells us: “In fairness ’e was on the Stella and she is Carrie Griffiths.”

Breaking News #3. The PM’s long-awaited solo EP is back on!!! But will Clyde Ward come on board as producer? Negotiations begin on Saturday.

Breaking News #4. Waistrel has VETOED our proposed December gig on the grounds that the venue’s social distancing requirements would make drunken sing-songs and passionate encounters “next to bally impossible, thereby undermining the whole point of a Gonads show.” This is sad but true.

July 5th. Our first weekly round-up is taken up with The Adventures of JC. In the last few days, our bold young bassist took his mother-in-law to the zoo (but, according to Fat Col, couldn’t find a cage that could hold her...), and earlier today This Charming Man dropped in at Oi Oi The Shop in Camden. Why? For a special photo session. What for? A huge project. What’s that? Sorry kids, we’d like to tell you but for now, like JC, we’re keeping “mum”. You’ll just have to keep reading the blog...

JC and Wattsie at the zoo. Spot the sexy beast.

JC at Oi Oi The Shop. Spot the dummy...

Dexy’s Midnight Runners are the latest band to hit out at Donald Trump for using their music in his unstoppable re-election campaign. The reaction followed footage of a military band performing Come On Eileen at the start of a campaign rally in front of Mount Rushmore yesterday. Dexy’s tweeted: “Dexys Midnight Runners did not and would not approve our music being played or performed at a Trump rally.” Other stars, ranging from the Stones to Springsteen, have also condemned The Donald for using their hits on the campaign trail. Last night a furious Lord Waistrel refused to comment on reports that Trump’s team have sounded him out about using Gonads songs such as Glorious, Tough & Tasty and Valhallaballoo at his rallies. The Beast tells us “Legally we cannot prevent Donald Trump from blasting out songs, although it’s hard to know what impact Anal Intruder would have in the crucial Mid West swing seats. Besides Gob or Oi Nutter might be more appropriate. However, as a precaution, we have offered his rival Joe Biden free use of Hitler Was An ’Omo. And if that doesn’t discombobulate Donald’s electoral base nothing will.”

In other news, Tacoma’s own NOi!se are releasing two new singles. Lost is out now, and Price We Pay follows on Friday; both via Pirates Press...

And black metal herberts Venom have followed Rancid into the action figure world with a ‘Black Metal’ demon inspired by their influential 1982 album of the same name.

The figure, available from ReAction, is based on the concept given to Super7 by the band’s founding member Cronos. No word yet on the Col doll.

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