Jan 31. BADOES’ BACKO: The East End Badoes last night announced their come-back with a nearly new line-up. There’s Steve Timcke on rhythm guitar, Dalb from Argy Bargy on bass, Tim Stevens on guitar, Terry Hayes (PM) on vocals, and “last, but definitely not least, the man, the myth, the legend” that is Cherry on drums. Gigs to follow...

In other news, Watford Jon has formed a break-away hardcore band called Wrecking Ball with Herve Rose Laurent from Deadline and Mike Jones from The Filaments. He describes them as being “like Social Distortion meets Madball”. And The English Beat are back for their first UK tour for seven years in March, culminating at SkaMouth...

CRUMPET VOLUNTARY: We are on a break, as you know, but the Gonads have always been suckers for good causes, so when some skinhead women told us about their charity calendar we agreed to give it a plug. A dozen veteran skin-birds and rude girls have taken part in a saucy 15-page Skinhead Girls The Calendar to raise much-needed cash for the charity Cure Retts. It costs just £11 quid, including p&p, and you can get one direct from lyndacraik@hotmail.com. Here's a picture below of April's cheeky minx Lynda 'Frothy' Scarpellini. February's Kate Fox and Miss November, Beki Slater, are just as alluring. The calendar has gone down so well that the girls are planning a 'Geezers of Oi' calendar for next year, featuring such luminaries as Lee 'The Water-bomber' Wilson and our Gal, naked save for a well-placed DM, which should put a few of you off your tea. No doubt the PM will get his kit off for the cause as well, if only to show the women of the world what they're missing.

STOP PRESS! We are now officially confirmed to play Rebellion Festival Blackpool on Friday 8th August 2014, and Farmer Phil's Festival in Shropshire on Saturday 9th August. Watch this space, bigger news coming...

Jan 20. Okay, we’re closing down for a while. We may be back next month with MAJOR NEWS (Or we might bottle out of it like we did on New Year’s Eve – Cynical Ed). Meanwhile here’s a quick round-up of film-related cobblers: 1) Over on Gatwick Gangsters, RHODA DAKAR has filmed her scenes as a Haitian witch doctor – we’re not making this up. But Wattsie Watts has shamefully thrown her toys out of the pram and has made the producers agree to change her character name from Ida Banger to ‘Miss Linfield'... (Wot? No Kenye Swallow? – Ed) 2) CASS PENNANT is producing Beverley, a short film about a mixed race teenager growing up in Leicester in 1980 with a 2-Tone soundtrack; his co-producer Ian ‘Butch’ Stuttard made the acclaimed 1985 ITV documentary Hooligans (when we say acclaimed, we mean the ICF liked it). 3) DAVID COURTNEY has asked if we’ll plug his new movie FULL ENGLISH BREAKFAST which he describes perhaps over-ambitiously as “Goodfellas set in Kent”; it’s due out around Easter time.

A sombre meeting of all grand rank Pranksters, held at the weekend, has voted to suspend the PM and his ‘Brit Pack’ from membership of the secretive fellowship pending a full inquiry. A motion was also passed condemning the “deplorable spread of American swing into our fraternal order”. In a passionate address, acting WM Effete El wiped a tear from his glass eye and told the brethren: “The Jolly Pranksters are nothing if not an English brotherhood. Our roots hark back to the jester who pranced around the village green, his great hairy Morris bells a-clanking. That fine foole would pause only to sock a passing toff around the chops with an inflated pig’s bladder. We are a continuation of the Horn Dance, the Mop Fair and the blessing of the salmon nets at Berwick-on-Tweed. Our forefathers resisted the Puritans and restored the maypoles. We watched our Scottish brothers burn Health and Safe regulations at the Nordic fire fest in Shetland just as we torch the EU flag at every major event. We stand with Jack-in-the-Green, Captain Blood, Ned Ludd and Rambling Syd Rumpo. We shall have no truck with Sinatra.” By Max and Splodge, so mote it be.

Jan 19. Red, red whine: there’s now a second version of UB40 around. Three of the original band members - Ali Campbell, Astro and Mickey Virtue - are currently recording new songs and lining up dates. They claim to be bringing the world ‘the true sound of UB40.’ Singer Ali quit the band in 2008; Mickey followed shortly after and Astro left last November. UB40 continued to tour with Ali's brother Duncan on vocals. Legal action is likely to follow.

Jan 18. No actual Gonads news today but there are developments with the Gatwick Gangsters movie. We can announce that GAL will be playing the character of SIR GEORGE BOURNE, the Waistrel-like chairman of Sahara Industries PLC owned by the nefarious King Jamil Abdulah el Sahara... And WATTSIE WATTS will playing his cheeky secretary IDA BANGER - stop giggling at the back.

Prankster insiders have been spilling light on the mystery picture we ran a few days ago, and the furious row behind it. According to our high-placed source “The PM and his cronies were slamming back tequilas like the Rat Pack” on the night. They are said to have “whooped it up with barmaids” and to have “forcibly ejected a Ska DJ to play their own Sinatra shite.” The four also allegedly “booked entertainment for the festive board that was entirely unsuitable.” Our grass, who has asked to remain anonymous but is naturally Whispering Sid Wilmott, added: “because of the activities of this low-rent Brit Pack, the line of demarcation between old Jolly Prankster meetings and raunchy stag nights has been narrowing for months; ultimate erosion can only be a matter of time.” Poor show. It’s appalling... that we haven’t been invited.

The latest Maximumrocknroll is out with interviews with Stoic Violence, the Arctic Flowers, Voight-Kampff, Strange Factory and Dezerter among others. Far more importantly, the next Street Sounds should be out in three weeks time... if Stalin gets his finger out.

In record news our pals Pirates Press have just made three tasty Tim Timebomb singles available again on vinyl. They are: ‘30 Pieces Of Silver’, ‘Change That Song, Mr. DJ’ and ‘She’s Drunk All The Time’.

Jan 16. Hold the front page! Punk legend Bev Elliott has volunteered to join this great band on guitar - to replace Nacho Jase when he's off fiddling with his little ukulele. Fat Col tells us: "This was brilliant news. Bev Elliott is one of London's foremost street-punks. She has been part of the scene since day one, has more tattoos than the Royal Fleet Auxiliary, and more credibility than virtually anyone else you could mention. Bev stands her round, is known everywhere from Hamburg to Vegas and would make an absolutely blinding addition to the Gonads." Sounds terrific. Col goes on: "I was just lining up a photo session to launch the news properly when I asked how well she could play the guitar. She said, 'Oh, I didn't know you wanted someone who can actually play.'." So there's still a vacancy then... Luckily the plan to replace South Coast Steve with a semi-house-trained Indonesian gibbon is progressing without a hitch.

ACTUAL NEWS: Clyde has finally found the original recording of 'Too Late' by Ska duo Girls Next Door (featuring Sam Bailey). He describes it as "raw and alive, it sounds like The Selecter doing a Madness track." Watch this space for further developments.

Jan 15. We've been sent this picture featuring Mod legend Eddie Piller, Kev the Hammer, the PM and Simon 'Sex Shop Si' Spanner in 'relaxed' pose. As there is no covering note we can only speculate that the shot was taken on a Jolly Pranksters beano and great mischief was afoot. More details to come when our grass, Whispering Sid, slinks back from Dorset (now officially designated wetlands).

Jan 14. Total Rock Radio is returning! The iconic radio station is back on air next Monday (January 20), broadcasting 24/7 from its new home in Central London. And Gal's 'Puke Box Jury' round-up of the best of 2013, with a team of entirely sober experts (Max Splodge, Bev Elliott) will follow a week or so later. Malcolm Dome tells us they're also launching a new TotalRockTV channel.

Jan 13. Calling all readers in the Big Orange: Tim Armstrong is doing his first ever solo art show, called Avenues & Alleyways, on Friday week (24th - 8pm - 11pm). It features never before seen artwork and a special live performance by Tim Timebomb & Friends. All at Subliminal Projects, 1331 W. Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA. And if you look in the alley out the back you'll find our mate Gerard having a gypsy's.

Jan 12. A row has broken out which threatens our entire Year of Seriousness. Seems we’ve had to turn down an offer to support the Cockney Rejects in Yorkshire next month because one member is off “dicking about with another band” and another thinks “the money isn’t enough.” We tried to hush the story up, but when word reached Lord Waistrel in Barbados he went – and we use a technical term here – “absolutely fuckin’ Garrity.” Long story short, Waistrel has ordered the immediate creation of a “second eleven” Gonads line-up “who don’t think they’re flaming Green Day” to stand in for (“and possibly replace”) anyone who, in his Lordship’s words “isn’t completely committed to this band, isn’t reliable and isn’t Oi Oi and more Oi at heart.” Scrotum, Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer, whispers: “I ’aven’t seen ’is Lordship this furious since the day Anthony Blair habolished ’ereditary peers.” We cannot say at the moment whether this unfortunate set-back will delay the recording of ‘The Dying Of The Light’ e.p., but sources close to the band caution that a two-tier line-up is untenable and will “cause no end of problems down the line.”

Jan 10. Our next e.p., ‘The Dying Of The Light’ is on course for an April release. Fit Bird tells us that Gal Gonad and Steve Whale are “working on a whole batch of songs which will be whittled down to three or four angry anthems”. The indiscrete PA also let slip that Gal is working on a second solo album called Just More Filth which, she whispers, will feature more original material than the first. There is no release date yet but “it should be out by 2015,” she says. Just More Filth will be sponsored by Pistonhead Kustom Lager of Sweden (although when we say ‘sponsored’ we actually mean that a crate of it fell off the back of a lorry into Fat Col’s eager hands.) PS. The CD version of Just The Filth has all but sold out, but you can still get hold of it as a download from here.

Jan 8. We’re happy to be playing Farmer Phil’s Festival in Shropshire on August 9th – which is either the day before or the day after we play Rebellion. Fat Col is particularly excited. He’s never been on a farm before but he says he’s happy to plough his seeds freely and spread his muck on any needy bush. Also confirmed for the weekend bill are The Blockheads, Merry Hell and Beki Bondage. We’ll be doing a 90 minute set...

Random News: The Traditionals’ album, Steel Town Anthems is released on vinyl on 17th January... early bird bargain tickets are already on sale for the Madness weekender at Butlin’s in November... our FrankenSkin Stief has joined German Ska-rock band The Crooners from Hamburg, with European dates to be announced for the Spring. Good luck mate!

Jan 7. We are sad to report that Professor Stanley Unwin’s son John died on Sunday after a short battle with cancer. Those who attended the 2004 Ronnie Lane Memorial Show at the Royal Albert Hall will remember John introducing some of the acts in authentic Unwinese. Organiser John Hellier recalls: “John was every bit as good as his Dad with the unique language and was rewarded with a standing ovation.” More recently, John revived the gloribold memories of his father’s comedy lingo on stage with the Small Fakers when they performed Ogden’s Nut Gone Flake live on tour, included a fine performance at the 2009 Small Faces Convention. R.I.P. John. You were, like your Dad, an aficionadole of musicold in all its manifestashy and the deep joy of your worms of wisdy surpassed all expectashy. We’ll miss you. Oh yes.

Jan 6. Louise Distras will be playing songs from her brilliant Dreams From The Factory Floor album live in All Ages records shop in Camden from 6pm on 23rd January – she’ll also be signing copies of Street Sounds issue 5. All of her English tour dates came be found here.

A small hiccup on the Gatwick Gangsters film – Gal and Wattsie have both demanded body doubles for their on-screen shagathon scene; Gal asked for Kiria to replace her, and Wattsie asked for Kiria to replace him!

Random: the Pussy Riot documentary film 'Pussy Riot: A Punk Prayer' has been shortlisted for this year's Oscars... Bruce Springsteen’s new album High Hopes is being streamed on line now - nine days ahead of its official release date, the full 12-song LP was made available by CBS at about midnight our time as part of a promo tie-in with CBS TV’s legal drama The Good Wife. The album features Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello on eight tracks.

Jan 5. Congratulations to our friend and Skarette Christine ‘Surgery’ Coffey who married the great Neville Staple yesterday. Big love, Christine, and all our best for the future.

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