Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Dec 31. Now is the time to say goodbye… as from today, this blog is shut. We’re over. Huge thanks to webmistress Batttttty for keeping this shit-show on the road for the best part of two decades. And to all Gonads members and guest members over the years, plus our crew – Fat Col, ex-road-manager FB, our former driver Stief O’Billy, Bev Elliott, Miss Management, the Beast – Janice Gussett, Micky Pugh, ‘Stalin’, our American brother band, our barmaids, and of course to all of you who read the blog, bought the records, came to the gigs and supported us in other ways. It’s been a privilege knowing you. Those we love and those we have lost will forever be in our thoughts. RIP Tucker, Rocky, Tony Feedback, Fatty Lol, Chinese Tim, Jamie Cantwell, Peter Way, Tony Van Frater, and Tim Machin. Goodbye and thanks for all the fish. The Gonads.
No band activities are confirmed for 2024. However, should any occur, they will be posted on Facebook and our Twitter feed. Cheerio.
Dec 30. We asked you for questions and you piled in like Spizz, Lee Wilson and Eddie Pillar at a free bar. So here it is, the very last edition of Ask Gal Anything…
Q. Is the Sheerness agreement on the blog true, and if so why? A. Sadly yes. The band will wind down in 2024 and will only do exciting or intriguing well-organised gigs should any come in. There will be no more Gonads acoustic gigs and we will retire for good as a live band in exactly one year’s time. The ‘why’ is simple – I’ve been working 70-hour weeks for the last five years and something has to give.
Q. Are you stopping because you’re pissed off with someone or something? A. No, but being pissed off is a small factor. It’s frustrating when record companies dick you about and promoters make approaches they then rescind. At one stage we had offers of dates in three countries on the table for 2024, which all fell through. But what can you do? Just work with labels and promoters who know what they’re doing, I suppose. If I retired from work I’d have the time to be more proactive but that’s not an option for at least two years.
Q. Are there any unreleased Gonads songs? A. About 72, and some are up there with Oi Mate and Federales. I’d like to record them all over the next six or seven years, but I can’t promise that we will.
Q. What can we expect from the Gonads next year? A. I want to record a farewell three-track EP that will include Indus Road. Maybe some TV. We’re also looking into a farewell show in Charlton. Barnet Mark is trying to find a good venue, but nothing is set in stone.
Q. Are you or have you ever been a member of the Jolly Pranksters? A. If I tell you, I’d have to kill you.
Q. Can you tell us what the set-list was for the Gonads Xmas Knees-up this month? A. Sure. 1) Oi Mate. 2) The Drinking Song. 3) Buy Me A Drink, You Bastards. 4) Yeti. 5) Grant Mitchell. 6) Infected. 7) Joe Hill. 8) Beer Can Boogie. 9) Getting Pissed. 10) What’s Happening Now? 11) Drink Till I'm Skint. 12) Hopper’s Hut. 13) Barrel's Round. Encore: 14. I Lost My Love (To A UK Sub) 15. The Drinking Song (Reprise).
Q. Are you really compiling a 45th anniversary Oi album? A. I’ve been asked to. Face it, if we wait for the 50th there will be none of us left. There are some good young bands about.
Q. What’s happening with the GB Experience and Prole? A. Me and Clyde have got some terrific ideas. We just need to get together. As for Prole, the album is completely written; it’ll be recorded when Steve Kent has the time…and when the label pays for the studio.
Q. Do you have any regrets? A. One of the new songs is called Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda, but other than that… What’s the point of regrets? There are things I would have done differently, like play more gigs in the 70s and early 80s. And it is a shame we never got to play Canada, Mexico and South America, or Australia, Japan and Eastern Europe, but you can’t change the past, so let it go.
Q. Have you, or any of the band, ever been romantically involved with another band member or flag girl? A. Not that I’m aware. I mean Paul SkaNad looks lovingly at a crate of Paulaner, which kind of counts. But we’re all just mates. No romance. Not even a genuine hearing aids proposal. Oh hang about, yes, there was a certain guitarist and Tiffany (of Tiffany and Parrothead fame) back in 1982, but I’m not a grass.
Q. What are your true feelings about Colin Gannon? A. A loyal Gonads fan who wore his heart on his sleeve. He always meant well, but Col saw life as a game of poker and unfortunately for him he was never playing with a full deck.
Q. Do you have unfulfilled ambitions? A. And there we are back at Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda… I’d like to get the Harry Tyler saga on screen. I intend to finish writing the true story of Oi. I was trying to put the Oi-Tone comp together, but the pandemic happened. That should be a goer.
Q. Name the first gig you saw, the worst gig, the most exotic gig, the best gig of the year, best gig ever? A. It was Hawkwind around 1969. Worst gig was Doll By Doll at the Tidal Basin in 78 – we got chased out before they even played a note. Exotic gig, Hanoi Rocks in Bombay/Mumbai, 1983. Gig of the year, the Rejects at the 100 Club this month. Best gig ever? Harder but probably the Jam’s secret gig as John’s Boys at the Marquee, November 1979. Sensational. The runner-up was The Clash with The Jam, Buzzcocks and Subway Sect at the Rainbow in 77 which got described as a ‘punk riot’ by the press because a few seats got smashed.
Q. Name the last great new band you saw live? A. Easy, the Molotovs.
Q. Who would you most love to see live for the first time? A. The Interrupters. The Drowns. Sunny War. Suedehead. Catbite. Carrie Griffiths’s new band…
Q. What has become of the new Harry Tyler book? A. It’s one of the things delayed by my workload. It will be the next thing I finish.
Q. Can we expect other books next year? A. Yeah. Wait and see.
Q. Are there any new books recommend?
A. Everybody Knows by Jordan Harper. He writes like a dream. He’s the new Chandler. Prose like poetry. I like S.A. Cosby too.
Q. What were your favourite festivals to play? A. Punk & Disorderly, Rebellion, 2000 Tons Of TNT and Skamouth.
Q. Are there any Gonads songs you have never dared release? A. There’s one called Say What You Like which we haven’t released, but probably will. I don’t buy into that ‘you can’t say that’ shit.
Q. What can we expect from you? A. Expect the unexpected.
STOP PRESS. Gal’s awards of 2023 can be found here. http://garry-bushell.co.uk/barfta.htm#
Poll latest. Your all-time top five Gonads albums: 1. Live – The Official Bootleg (1984) 2. Back & Barking (1999) 3. Revolution Now (2022). 4. Old Boots, No Panties (2006). And tied for fifth place: Glorious Bastards (2010) and Live Free Die Free (2009).
Top 5 undervalued Gonads song: 1. Eat The Rich 2. Backstreet Army 3. Barnet Betrayed 4. My Cousin’s Neice 5. Cunt Teaser Bubbling under: New Boots, No Panties. Shona & The Alien. Me & My Depression .
Top 5 worst Gonads songs: 1. Stop That Drumming (original version) 2. White Xmas 3. Nadia (I Love You So) 4. Delilah 5. S.L.A.G. (featuring Lenny Miller).
Dec 29. Hard to believe, but Major General Gannon fled the country for the Czech Republic this morning after it emerged that there was no break-away Gonads line-up at all. An ashen-faced Effete El explains, “It has all been a colossal cock-up. There was never going to be a Carrie & The Gonads band, it was just a few of the lads playing on her debut ep. The whole ‘Gonads split’ story was based on hearsay and Chinese whispers. A vast ferocious mob was assembled for no reason – some of the them were promised payment too – only for the whole battle plan to be called off. A few frustrated herberts ran amok in Forest Hill, kicking in windows and causing £15 worth of improvements.” Who was the source of the rumours that almost led to devastating violence, we ask? El pauses for a moment and then reluctantly confirms – “off the record” – that “Fat Col over-heard stuff when he was pissed and got the wrong end of the stick.” Oaf. El sighs and continues, “Of course there were unforeseen consequences. Half of his ‘Gonads Loyal’ army are now after his blood. Gal and Wattsie are seriously pissed off and nobody dares tell Waistrel. That’s why Col has fucked off. He’s gone from a laughing stock to Public Enemy Number 2 (just behind Sadiq Khan). The lads are looking for a fat ginger bloke with a small dick and a wonky nose. He’s gone to Prague for intense liposuction, facial cosmetic surgery, penis enhancement and an all-body hair transplant. He may never come back. And if he does, nobody will recognise him.” Oh well. Every cloud…
Poll latest: Your top five Gonads flag girls: 1) Wattsie 2) Vicki Thomas 3) Zoe Anderson 4) Jane Couch 5) Alison Maverick.
Your top five fantasy flag girls: 1) Beki Bondage 2) Pauline Black 3) Amy Interrupter 4) Chrissie Hynde 5) Claudette off EastEnders.
In other news, Green Day’s Billy Joe has converted to Millwall FC. While recording their new album Saviors in London, BJ says, “I went to The Den to see Millwall. That was amazing. Man, if you really want to experience British culture that’s what you should do. Football is like a fucking religion. It’s like being at a big rock concert. You practically need earplugs! I’ve always wanted to check out all the different divisions, not just the world-class teams like Arsenal and Man City. I wanted to go to some of the lower-league games – especially Millwall, which has that gritty, pissed off, underdog, ‘No one likes us, we don’t care’ vibe. It reminds me of being an Oakland Raiders fan.” Blame Lars.
Dec 28. Wattsie’s uneasy truce ended yesterday morning and with Waistrel wavering under pressure from the Pranksters to pick sides, Major General Gannon is preparing to take the battle to “the enemy”. He tells us: “Our intel reveals the rebels are in the recording studio tomorrow, so I shall deploy Tucker’s Ruckers veterans to seal off the approach road to keep them there. While the fighting monks of the Church of Oi, on loan from the Pranksters, smash their back doors in, Charlton Youth will be entering through the roof in a perfect pincer movement. There will only be one winner, or my name isn’t Colin Gannon.” Gulp. Fat Col has also appealed to the US government to send urgent funding for vital war supplies – Stella, Paulaner, pork pies, pasties and floozies.
Poll latest: Your Top 15 Gonads songs NOT in the current pure-punk set 1) TNT 2) Gob 3) Hey You 4) Oi Nutter 5) (What’s The Story) England’s Glory 6) Beki Bondage Please 7) Revolution Now 8) Oblivion 9) Conquest 10) Unky Bunk 11) 6) Oily Rag 12) Indestructible Wolves 13) The Growler 14) British Steel 15) Attack Of The Zombie Skinheads. Bubbling Under: Joe Hill. Ragman’s Trumpet. Valhallabaloo. FrankenSkin. TDA. Is This Beer Off Or What?
In other news, the new Pirates Press vinyl compilation, For Family & Flag, is out now featuring the Drowns, Suzi Moon, The Slackers, NOi!SE, Stomper 98, DeeCRACKS, Territories, The Inciters, Billy Liar, Hunting Lions, Flores y Fuego, Starving Wolves, Sweat, and Brigata Vendetta…And Jack Kendall’s Blacklisted All-Stars ask us to plug their April gig https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-blacklisted-allstars-2tone-army-the-curbs-tickets-783360130237
Dec 27. Wattsie’s appeal to Lord Waistrel to intervene in the great Gonads split controversy has backfired spectacularly. According to Waistrel’s head cleaner, Mrs Cravatte, his Lordship thought about her request, then smiled, broke wind, downed a pint of champagne top, and replied: “Two bands, what? Good show! Double the bands, double the revenue. And Carrie you say? Ding Dong!” (Wait, there’s revenue? – Ed).
Some members of Club 77 welcomed Waistrel’s enthusiasm for what Vive Le Rock is calling “a punk rock mitosis”. But passing German physicist, Professor Hande Hoch, tells: “Nein, this ist not ein mitosis being. Ein mitosis involves an exact duplication down to ein molecular level. Vat ve have here is nicht eineiige Zwillinge – how are you saying? – unidentical twins. It is theoretically possible for Garry & The Gonads and Carrie & The Gonads to co-exist in the same universum, if perhaps unwise.”
Poll latest: Your Top Ten blog characters: 1) Fat Col 2) Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) 3) Shona Wattsie Watts 4) The Yeti 5) Lord Waistrel (of course) 6) Terence Hayes, PM (ditto). 7) Scrotum, His Lordship’s Wrinkled Retainer 8) The Nosher 9) Effete El 10) Sandy West (Hollywood Pest). Bubbling under: Astrid Von Hinten. Diana Schuler. Del the Butcher. The Beast. Chelsea Dom (The Grand Inquisitor).
Dec 26. The Jolly Pranksters’ Festivus, marking the Winter solstice, was held at a clearing in Beacon Wood Country Park near Bean in Kent early on Friday morning. Red-eyed brethren gathered around a hastily erected stone circle. The ceremony – too secret to be even partially revealed – included troupes of Morris dancers, several goats and much drumming and chanting from the assembled throng, along with much grunting, groaning and hungover moaning. Some wore crowns of holly, some the traditional festive fez, while one or two opted for antlers and another sported a traffic cone which he later threw up into. At one point, the current WM, Del the Butcher (codename Butch), drew deeply on sacred herb and started to speak in tongues. Our anonymous eye-witness (Effete El) tells us, “Suddenly the WM became lucid. He said the spirits of old England had reached out to him through the ether to ask him to deliver a mystic message. What was it, we cried as one? Speaking slowly, Butch went on: 'They said that Gal Gonad was the reincarnation of Arthur Pendragon, and that Arthur has returned through him as our saviour to lead England out of darkness.’ Then the great visionary passed out, collapsing into the ale trough like a pole-axed FrankenSkin and was last seen being led away by a Beki Bondage lookalike and several men in white coats.” Blimey.
A Beki Bondage lookalike! The spirits had spoken and the meaning is clear, said El – “The Pranksters will back Gal and Wattsie in their battle with the break-away rebels and in ‘the bigger trials and tribulations to come’ – even Waistrel will have to heed this message.” Double blimey. The band of brothers then retired to meditate over eighteen pints of wallop at the Black Horse in Bean High Street before moving on to the harder spirits and lighter business of the festive board at That Kent Place and an evening of sterling entertainment. To order brethren! For freedom, England and St Gonad. Step off with the left foot.
STOP PRESS. Paul Hallam seen ‘round-dodging on the Isle of Dogs’ claim. Urgent investigation to follow.
Dec 22. Happy birthday Wattsie! Shona tells us her 47th (cough) birthday wish is for a temporary stop to all hostilities between the two Gonads line-ups, to last until Boxing Day to “let grown-ups defuse this toxic situation”. She has called on Lord Waistrel to intervene.
The Wattsie truce comes after the band split row escalated and several prominent blog characters threw their lot in with her and Gal. A frustrated Major General Gannon calls the ceasefire “a tactical error” and adds that until Wattsie’s intervention the rift “was looking set to become permanent and could have led to satisfactory physical violence”. The ever-busy Fat Col has even recruited members of the anarchist English Liberation Front (ELF) to the cause, by telling them that the break-away “Carrie-ist” fake-Nads are a counter-revolutionary force and a threat to the true Gonads Revolution. “Everywhere you will find the wealth of the wealthy springs directly from the poverty of the poor,” says a grim-faced ELF cadre, just back from blowing up a ULEZ camera. The Yeti was so moved by Col’s decisive leadership that she turned up at his Plumstead pigsty in her nightie declaring her undying love for the fat fool. She’s been around that woman. She also wore black garters in memory of those who had gone before…
Mark King calls the blog hot-line. He is up for joining the new Gonads line-up in theory, he tells us, but he draws a line at gigging with South Coast Steve. Harsh but understandable.
Another day, another poll result. Here are your top ten Gonads songs of the 20th Century: 1) Tucker’s Ruckers Ain’t No Suckers 2) TNT 3) SE7 Dole Day 4) Jobs Not Jails 5) I Lost My Love (To A UK Sub) 6) Oi Nutter 7) Gob 8) Punk Rock Will Never Die 9) The Joys Of Oi 10) England’s Glory. Bubbling under: Lager Top. Sandra Bigg (Really Big). Back & Barking. Grant Mitchell. Eat The Rich.
STOP PRESS. There will be a final opportunity to Ask Gal Anything before the blog closes. Your questions please!
Dec 21. High drama rocked the blog this morning as news emerged that three current Gonads – James ‘JC’ Cruttwell, Phil ‘McBadoe’ McDermott & Paul ‘SkaNad’ Mummery – secretly rehearsed with Carrie Griffiths last night. Rumours that the four are planning to form a rival Gonads and oust Gal and Wattsie exploded on the Twittersphere like an Icelandic volcano. Furious Wattsie loyalist Fat Col tells us: “These traitors are up to no good and are in clear breach of the Sheerness agreement – they must be dealt with, and the insurrection will be snubbed out, swiftly and brutally. Martin Sporrell is calling up retired Tucker’s Ruckers veterans as we speak.” Blimey. Col, who has appointed himself Major General Gannon for the war ahead, has already drawn up plans to keep “the Real Gonads” going next year. His line-up will consist of Gal and Wattsie, Clyde ‘The Golden Shot’ Ward, Mark McMighty, drummer South Coast Steve (Are you sure? – Ed) and bass player Mark King of Level 42… which seems a little optimistic.
Meanwhile, here are the top Gonads songs of the 21st Century as voted for by you, our faithful blog readership: 1) Oi Mate 2) Federales 3) Hey You 4) Attack Of The Zombie Skinheads 5) (Rise Up) London Boys 6) Rob A Bank 7) Revolution Now 8) Cemetery Of Lost Souls 9) Dogging In Dartford 10) England In Our Blood. Bubbling under: The Greatest Cockney Xmas, Scream My Name, Glad To Be Alive, What’s Happening Now, Indestructible Wolves.
Dec 20. Thanks for voting in the big Gonads blog farewell survey. The first result is in and it’s your all-time Top 15 Gonads gigs: 1) The Lads Of The Village, Charlton, 1977. 2) 100 Club Bootboys’ Knees Up, London, 2022. 3) Rebellion Festival, Blackpool, 2022. 4) Club Cocodrie, San Francisco 1998. 5) CBGBs, New York, 1998. 6) Darlington Punk Fest, 2012. 7) Webster Theatre, Hartland, Connecticut 2014. 8) Rebellion Festival, 2002. 9) The Dive Bar, Las Vegas, 2017. 10) The Circus Tavern, Purfleet, Essex, 2006. 11) Awkwright’s, Rainham, 2018. 12) The 12 Bar Club, London, 2014. 13) Charlton Liberal Club, 2011. 14) Punk & Disorderly, Berlin, 2009. 15) Welling Beer Festival, London, 2021. Bubbling under: The Garage, Islington, 2010, Skamouth, Great Yarmouth, 2011, Bi Nuu club, Berlin, 2019, and Torgau Festival, Saxony, circa 2010. A great gig in Camden with Tommy Schitt & The Punishment Fuckers is excluded from the list because nobody can recall when it was, or even where it was. Heady days. Incidentally, the first Pink Tent gig anyone remembers was at a house party in Micheldever Road, Lee, circa 1973.
Dec 19. Cock Sparrer release their new ten-track album Hand On Heart on 5th April. The songs are: With My Hand On My Heart, Mind Your Own Business, I Belong To You, Rags To Riches, No Way Out, Take It On The Chin, Nowhere To Be Found, One Way Ticket, My Forgotten Dream and Here We Stand.
In other news, Violent Way have categorically denied that their name was inspired by one of Pete Way’s ex-wives. RIP Pete. Neither are the band related to Violet Way, the psychedelic soul combo from Catford who will open for the Orgasm Guerrillas at the Pranksters’ traditional Festivus ceremony on Sunday, along with Beltane Fire and the Rawhides. To order, brethren.
Dec 18. Gal has been asked to compile a 45th anniversary Oi comp for 2025 showcasing fresh bands with real potential. One obvious contender is up-and-coming south London combo Suedehead who are said to combine hard-hitting oi-oi muscle with Motown melodies. Violent Way from Buffalo, NY, are also on his wish-list. Some older bands will be included of course, but will Terence Hayes PM have got his Badoe To The Bone solo ep together in time to provide a track too? Suedehead are sponsored by Old School FC.
Another day, another scandal. By some inexplicable mix-up, the new Gonads live album – No Mess, No Fuss, Just Pure Gonads – turns out to have an in-built fault-line. It seems that two of the tracks from the Rainham show were not from the actual live set at all, but from a pre-show soundcheck. Band spokesman Effete El tells us: “These versions of two songs, She’s Coming Soon and 18 Stone Of Dynamite (Half Inch Fuse), are half-cocked and are clearly not from the live show. We are looking into how this mistake happened. We would ask Randale Records to recall the CDs and vinyl and re-make them with the actual live takes, except as far as we know Diana has yet to start manufacturing them, despite sitting on the masters since April.” Poor show! He goes on: “If any copies of the CD are on sale in southern Germany, they will of course become collectors’ items once the version is recalled and replaced. This might even have been Lord Waistrel’s intention.” The very idea.
Dec 17. Mystery: what smart, caring woman was deluded oaf Fat Col talking about when he was overheard in The Rose Inn, Plumstead, saying: “I am gonna ask her to marry me on Christmas Day; she is a smart, caring woman with great wit and beauty. But if she says no, I’ll understand, and would cheerfully settle for a snog. Hopefully followed by a quick, friendly ‘meeting with the bank manager’.” (Or, as some folk know it, a Barclay’s – Ed). He wouldn’t reveal her name and it’s purely a coincidence that Wattsie was last seen packing to spend her Xmas in Gravesend.
The last Cockney Rejects’ UK club date at the 100 Club last night was a corker, full of fans from all over Europe and many old faces. You would not have known Jeff had just had a major back operation. The band were special in 1979 and are still special 44 years on. As Joe Strummer famously said, they are “the real deal”.
Words of wisdom from an industry insider: “The problem some guitarists have is they think the bands they are in should be all about them. They should not. The guitarist’s role on stage is always secondary to that of the singer – their job is to support, back and build the vocalist for the good of the band as a whole, not to childishly seek attention for themselves. Knobs who think otherwise are just nuisances who should be replaced.” Thank God we don’t know anyone like that.
With only two weeks of the blog left, we urge you all to keep voting in the big Gonads poll. Club 77 members will have had supplementary questions through.
Dec 16. Effete El emerged from the Sheerness negotiations in the early hours of this morning and uttered the immortal words: “I have in my hand a piece of paper…” On the paper was a negotiated settlement between Gal, representing himself and Lord Waistrel, and Miss Management and Paul Skanad representing the Gonads. Signed by all parties, and witnessed by lawyers Judge Shed, KC, and Amanda Tryhorn, the simple A4 page contained the following ten-part agreement:
1.The Gonads will never play another acoustic gig. Instead, they will revert to their pure-punk, pathetique, Oi Oi roots throughout the whole of 2024.
2.During this twelve-month period, the Gonads will only play gigs that are seen as “decent and professionally promoted, or enticingly different”. If none arise, none will be played.
3.Band activities will scale down at the end of 2024, but we agree to “consider interesting offers thereafter”. However:
4.If live gigs do cease at the end of 2024, Gal may choose to continue the Gonads as a studio-based entity, pending agreement with a reliable record company.
5.We will endeavour to set up a farewell show in September or October 2024 in Charlton, London, SE7 with promoter Barnet Mark, possibly at The Valley, Floyd Road, itself.
6.The Gonads commit to recording a blistering “back to boots” three-track farewell EP next year. The songs are being co-written by Gal with Clyde Ward and Mark McMighty.
7.The UK Gonads will waive all objections to Gal and Clyde working with the US Gonads in future, should opportunities arise, and will not oppose the commission of a fraternal Japanese Gonads band.
8.The Garry Bushell Experience will record new material next year which will be “broader-based musically” than the acoustic Gonads. The GBX will also look at “workable live gigs” and artistic opportunities.
9.Our historic spin-off band, The Orgasm Guerrillas, will proceed with plans to record their debut album.
10.The blog will close permanently on 31st December.
Wiping away a tear, Effete El told the waiting media: “This is as good as Gonads fans could have hoped for. It’s devastating to axe the blog, but at least the agreement establishes a timetable which allows a glimmer of hope that all is not lost. I believe it is time for peace.” Hurrah! (Although the last person to use those words was Neville Chamberlain – Ed). Not everybody was as delighted as El. One angry local resident Kurt N. Twitcher tells us: “Thank gawd those noisy bastards have fucked off. They made a terrible bleedin’ racket and had all sorts of immoral shenanigans going on. They were all so pissed when they fell out of the ’ouse this morning none of the silly fuckers will remember signing nothing. Wankers.”
Dec 15. Rolling news is reporting a potential breakthrough in Sheerness. Stand by…
Dec 14. It’s day three of the great Gonads negotiations lock-in and, after reaching deadlock several times, both sides have now brought in lawyers. Aiding Gal is the great Judge Shed, KC. Working with Paul and Miss M is ball-busting barrister Amanda Tryhorn. Twenty-two gallons of Paulaner were reportedly delivered to a Sheerness address last night. A tired and emotional Effete El tells us, “This one could run and run.”
Dec 13. No news yet from the negotiations but we can announce that Lord Waistrel has waived the rules to appoint John King, aka JK Herbert, an associate member of The Gonads. Welcome, brother. Should he wish, JK, is now able to progress to Orgasm Guerrilla status (level 42). It’s a long process, requiring much hard work and a lot of pathetique ritual to memorise, but a rewarding one.
Here’s wishing Jeff Turner a speedy recovery from his hospital procedure yesterday, and an even speedier one to Lee Wilson who underwent 18 draining hours of surgery to try and remove a white £5 note from his wallet. The operation was unsuccessful, although two 1816 half-crowns found lodged in his trouser pockets have been donated to the British Museum.
Dec 12. Earlier today Gal entered “intense negotiations” with Miss Management and Paul SkaNad about the future of the Gonads and this blog in a secret location understood to be on the Isle Of Sheppey in Kent. Eye witnesses Hans Falooda and Marigold Golightly claim to have seen “crates and crates of beer, pork pies, bottles of gin and boxes of scratchings” arriving at the door of what Marigold describes as “a glorified coal bunker at the rough end of Sheerness”. The three Gonads entered the safe-house “with their heads covered with blankets, like when someone is going to court,” she told us, adding that they were later joined by “two barmaid type floozies”. A man who matches the description of Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) stayed parked in a van outside biting the heads off whippets. Negotiations are expected to last for at least three days as they battle to reach a “just and honourable” settlement. Effete El, Miss M’s advisor, tells us “There is a real fear that if they fail to come to a sensible agreement, the long-suppressed voice of moderate long-suffering Gonads loyalists (Sid and Nancy Snot) will be hi-jacked and channelled by extremists for evil and abhorrent purposes. They have put up with a lot of shit, quite frankly, and enough is enough.” Here, here. We ask all Nads fans to join us in a silent prayer that sanity and common sense will prevail.
Dec 11. RIP John Rambo Stevens.
Dec 10. Last night’s farewell Gonads acoustic set was “the best ever”, according to plain-speaking beauty Miss Management. Carrie Griffiths performed a moving version of Drink Till I’m Skint and Leah McCaffery co-starred on Infected after Wattsie Watts failed to show. The official explanation is that she has fallen victim to a nasty virus (Fat Col? – Ed) but rumours that she was boycotting the show in protest at Gal’s dictatorial decision to kill off the band and the blog spread like wildfire, even reaching as far as the Seven Stars in Foots Cray. Before vanishing into the night for a private engagement, Gal gave a frank interview with Trout & Salmon magazine where he stressed that his end plan for the Gonads was “serious and irreversible”. The Hopper’s Hut bar staff were clamouring for him to agree to play another Xmas show in 2024 but he politely declined. He has however agreed to a face-to-face meeting with Miss M and Paul SkaNad before Christmas for a final round of negotiations. In the meantime, thanks to everyone who came – including the couple from the Isle Of Wight and young Al from Oxfordshire – and to our brilliant guest performers, both now officially associate members of the Gonads. (John King’s associate membership is pending). As for those who didn’t make it, Effete El told the blog: “Although vastly outnumbered by acts relying on auto-correct, studio gadgets and gimmickry, the Gonads fly the flag for real music with heart and humour. And gentlemen in England, still abed, will think themselves accursed they were not here, and be in awe while anyone speaks who sang along with the band’s glorious final acoustic set.” Going out in a blaze of glory. 15 more days of the blog. One more year of pure punk Gonadery. Then we’re gone. No joke.
Dec 8. A huge, heroic crusade has been launched to save the Gonads and this precious blog. As it stands, we are just one day away from the band’s last ever acoustic gig, 23 days away from the death of the blog, and just 383 days away from the end of the band as a pure-punk oi-oi entity. Unless Gal changes his mind and pulls the plugs earlier, which he was heard talking about on Tuesday – it took Wattsie to talk him out of it. Addressing an emergency Club 77 gathering, an ashen-faced Effete El called for drastic action to “reverse this existential threat”. He went on: “As it stands, there are no more Nads tours ever and time is running out for everything else. We know Gal is walking away from the Gonads and pressing the destruct button. We have to change his mind.” Calling for Paul Mummery and Miss Management to lead “a vigorous, hard-hitting campaign”, El acknowledged that Gal “is more likely to be swayed by a direct invention from his mentors, Wattsie, Bev Elliott and the Nosher – they need to make a difference, by any means necessary.” At which point a passing Fat Col quipped “Well, he is 69 in May.” Oaf. Meanwhile the clock is ticking. England awake! Man the barricades! Join the fight! You’ll miss us when we’re gone. You might even miss the band too. There’s no accounting for taste…
Dec 3. In a shock development, Gal Gonad last night imploded the band and this blog. Speaking from a secure location, Gal told freelance influencer Titania Firkin that the Gonads blog will cease to exist from the end of this month and confirmed that Saturday’s Christmas knees-up “really will be the last-ever Gonads acoustic show”. He further announced that his Big 69 album project is now scrapped and that the Gonads “will never tour again – here or abroad”. The band will “remain open” to occasional festivals and “well-promoted single gigs and support slots” in its pure-punk oi-oi form but only for one more year. All Gonads activities are likely to end in December 2024. After that, he told her, “That’s it! We’re so over, I’ve even booked a fat bird to sing.” (The Yeti). Gal, whose Gonads have been bouncing proudly if erratically since 1977, is also believed to be pulling the plugs on his long-running newspaper column to pursue other as yet unrevealed avenues. The only glimmer of joy in his short, brutal interview is the suggestion that the Gonads might bow out with one last epic pure-punk oi-oi ep of brand-new material to celebrate what will be “47 years of failure”. An ashen-faced Effete El tells us: “This is the worst possible news. Yes, we’ve heard the rumours and read the hints, but this blow everything out of the water. Garry has blindsided everyone in quite a callous manner. If he pulls the plug on this blog, it will almost be like myself, the Nosher, Fat Col, Wattsie Watts, Terence Hayes (PM) and the rest never really existed.” Strewth.
Attention Club 77 members. Please send us your votes in these following categories: 1) Best Gonads songs of the 20th century 2) Best Gonads songs of the 21st century 3) Best songs not in our pure-punk set 4) All-time hottest Gonads 5) All-time favourite blog characters 6) All-time best ex-Gonads and finally 7) Should the Gonads split a) Yes b) no. Non-club members who wish to take part can send their selections to waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
Dec 2. At last! Fat Col’s fabled Xmas market stall is returning to Woolwich, Romford and Borough markets for a ten-day touring period from Monday and will be packed with exclusive new items, including – the Chelsea Dom horror mask: terrify small children and passing punk bands with this authentically unsettling disguise made from poor-quality non-biodegradable plastic; the mask comes with a detachable nose that can be poked into anybody’s business at any time. A snip at £99.99.
Elgin’s Detachable Marbles, for the cross-dressing lesbian with a taste for adventure – these exquisitely designed detachable marbles, stolen from an original Greek design, come with a clip-on, pump-up “Nelson’s Column”. Yours for just £153!
Other traditional goods on his stall include My First Dogging Kit for under-tens, round-dodger VAR with a slo-mo playback facility, Wattsie Watts’s Forever Young spray-on monkey gland potion and the ever-popular “Sneaky Blinder” Party Popper Tampon! Surprise the lady in your life with this mischievous gift – a party popper disguised as a tampon. Just pop it in, pull the string and watch her face light up. She might not be happy but she’ll never forget you. Col’s special deal: Buy two for the price of three! £45 or near offer!
Col is also reprising his hand-tooled high-voltage ‘Shona Shock’ Stun Gun guaranteed to silence conspiracy theorists – as soon as any Welling-based lunatic starts denying that men have walked on the moon, claims world leaders are lizards or states that the earth is flat, just hit them with a swift 66,600 volts of electric hammer and enjoy the immediate silence (health warning: side effects include dizziness, bewilderment and instant death); on sale for just £999.99.
Dec 1. We hear that the Jolly Pranksters are taking legal action to prevent the publication of ‘Exposed! Explosive Secrets of the Prankster Brotherhood’. The lurid book, written by deluded gutter hack Spencer Simone, claims to be an investigation into the brethren’s “occult elements” and their alleged links to the armed forces, the underworld, the American stonecutters, the assassination of JFK, the coming alien invaders, and what Simone calls the “powerful and subversive punk and Oi inner circles”. The Dutch version of the book is expected to name highflying pranksters who keep their membership well-hidden, such as F** C** and T****** H**** PM. An anonymous Prankster spokesman (Effete El) brands the book, “a damaging work of fantasy, written by a weasel and informed by ignorant gossips... because of its libellous nature, we will be taking proportionate action to lock it down.” So mote it be.
The book’s introduction claims that the Pranksters are “the largest and most dangerous secret and exclusive society in England, if not the world”. The press release states: ‘In this controversial exposé, Simone talks to insiders who have broken their vow of silence to reveal the darker side of the ‘brotherhood’. Do they influence the law? Have they hidden the Elgin marbles? Did they mastermind the vote leave campaign and Nigel Farage’s masterful display of arse in ITV’s ‘jungle’? Do they keep Atlantis off the maps? Ditto Avalon? Did they make Grand Inquisitor Chelsea Dom a major player in international punk rock? Are they linked to sinister entities such as Sandy West and her West Coast witches, or viral political forces such as the PPGB? Can they secure favourable spots for members on the bill of the Royal Variety Show?’ All the big questions then… Simone concludes that “there is a secret group of plotters pulling the strings in the UK, perhaps influencing every move we make… and if my book doesn’t come out, you’ll know why.” Blimey.
