Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
December 31. We break our silence to report the unsettling news that the Gonads may have just one more year left in them. In a shock interview, Gal told a Ukrainian fanzine, he was “running out of patience” with “this shrinking scene of ours”. He went on, “Nobody has any vision, nobody wants to break out and engage with the mainstream – and punk was always supposed to do that, it was ‘the poison in the machine’, not just a few thousand people preaching to the converted”. He praised younger bands like Amyl & The Sniffers and the Interrupters for “making a real impact”, and added that he considers the Gonads’ new albums for 2022 “the last throw of the dice”.
Fat Col has had his own “teeth aht” experience after plying his dodgy psychic act in a Plumstead pensioners’ pop-in parlour. Saucy octogenarian widow Irene asked him “teeth in, teeth aht” before the ‘reading’ started. Col, who opted for “aht” said the otherworldly encounter was so pleasant he gave her an unprecedented £5 discount. But how was he, umm, up for the job with someone so old? “How shallow and offensive,” snapped Col. “It’s a myth that youth equals beauty. Some men look for maturity in ladies. And Irene had lived, and lived bloody well judging by all the Tom she was wearing. I just lay back and thought of her bank balance…” Oaf. “Course,” he adds, “It helped that she had a good head… on her shoulders.”
Dec 20th. We’re shutting down for the festivities. Have an Oi Oi Christmas and a pure punk New Year! Cheers.
Dec 17. Rotten news. Tomorrow’s 100 Club gig has been postponed until next May after tests showed that JJ Kaos has contracted Covid. Apologies to everyone who was coming. It’s a bloody shame, but it can’t be helped. We’ll make the 21st May 2022 an even bigger Oi Oi party – and that’s a promise! Get well, JJ!
Everyone was understanding about this shock news, apart of course from Fat Col who furiously condemned the Business for pulling the show. “They could have made JJ play in one of Del-Boy’s deep sea diving costumes, or just got in another bassist,” he fumed, between swigs of brandy, adding, “Gentleman John could have stood in at a moment’s notice. Half a dozen people could’ve. It’s not like their songs need Charlie Mingus or Jack fucking Bruce on bass. Even I could play Harry May” – he sings the chorus, painfully out of tune – “It’s just E and fucking A, and the odd E minor that no one would notice if you skipped. It makes me sick. And why didn’t the Gonads just step up as headliners? You could have made it a proper SE7 Dole Day party.” Asked if he would have gone if we had, Col replied, “No fucking way. The Gonads should only play Charlton like they did in the good old days. You’re all sell-out careerists now who want to play Glastonbollocks and stream your arses on Spotify. Half the band don’t even support Charlton. Cunts.” And Merry Christmas to you, mate.
Dec 16. Here’s a pretty good Mensi obit on the Guardian online. Gal’s own tribute to Mensi went up on his blog a couple days ago. One interesting fact he didn’t mention – according to Mensi himself, the Upstarts song The Man Who Came In From The Beano was written about Gal!
Dec 13. It’s here! Lord Waistrel’s Big Xmas Give-Away will take place at the 100 Club gig on Saturday. On the day, we’ll be offering any two CDs for a tenner from a choice – while stocks last – of Glorious Bastards, Live Free Die Free, London Bawling, The Complete Cobblers and top-quality compilations. Get in quick because the merch stand won’t be open for long. Full price Gonads Ts and half-price lyric books (two for a fiver!) will also be briefly available. Cheers!
Dec 12. Here are some jolly shots from today’s rehearsal which went well despite Gal losing his voice (or possibly because of it…). Look back here tomorrow for a pukka Xmas bargain offer from the good Lord Waistrel that you won’t want to miss.
In other news, Kunt & The Gang are rush releasing a follow-up to last year’s Top Ten hit, Boris Johnson Is A F**king C**t. Following a theme, Boris Johnson Is Still A F**king C**t will be available to stream and download from Friday (17th Dec). Here’s the video. Xmas Number One surely? The subtle-as-a-brick lyrics inform us that Bojo remains “a fucking cunt who still behaves as if no one has ever told him that”, which seems reasonable. Our readers in North Shropshire can make him look a bigger one by voting against his chronic government this Thursday.
Le Beat Bespoke are bringing their ROCK & ROLL CIRCUS back to Hackney on New Year’s Eve, with Oh Gunquit! (kind of a cross between the Cramps and The Sonics), and Spain’s own groovy psychedelic garage combo The Liquorice Experiment. The two-room venue, Paper Dress Vintage, in Mare Street, opposite Hackney Central station, will be turned into a circus tent. The DJ team includes Dr Robert, Lee Petryszyn, Stutter, Penny & Stella (The Psychedelic Daffodils), Charles Whitehouse, Gary Milan, Russell Deal & Lee Miller who promise to spin old-school R&B, Garage Rock, Psychedelia, Northern Soul, Funk, Ska and Reggae party choons on vintage vinyl all night. Other attractions include a light show and dancers, and early bird tickets are just £15. Venue - Paper Dress Vintage, 352A Mare Street, Hackney Central, E8 1HR London. From 9pm – 4am.
Dec 11. It was a full turn out for last night’s Great Gonads Xmas Party – an event that "never happened", according to temporary Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who added “and if it did, then it was just some cheese and wine at a works’ do”. We’re guessing these pix must have been photoshopped then… Yes Wattsie was there, and we did sink a few in memory of Mensi. Rest In Power, mate.
Dec 10. STOP PRESS. RIP Tom ‘Mensi’ Mensforth. Our old friend, the singer with the iconic Angelic Upstarts, died in hospital this afternoon. A full obituary will follow.
It’s our traditional Christmas curry night tonight. But will outspoken anti-curry heretic Wattsie Watts go through with her planned boycott? Watch this space.
Dec 9. Media watchdog Bessie Boideigh has fiercely condemned Gal’s 100 Club rallying cry. She told the Daily Telegraph, “Although clearly meant as some kind of half-witted joke, Mr. Gonad’s claim to be Cheryl Baker may confuse some fans. Any Bucks Fizz/Fizz follower misled into attending this punk rock event will find themselves surrounded by ruffians and loudly bombarded by the so-called music of the Gonads whose unpleasant songs consist of little more than barrel-scraping filth. Many will be mentally scarred and would clearly be within their rights to sue. I doubt that Ms. Wattsie and Miss Management even rip off their skirts for dramatic effect.” Good point, but hold that image.
Dec 8. Fat Col is doing such good business as a psychic he has abandoned his Xmas market stall to devote all of his energies to his ‘gift’. Even Wattsie seemed pleased at the £5 discount he offered her, which suggests she hasn’t read the blog this week. We hear that Col has also built up a band of supporters called the Seersucker Club – not because of their clothing but because he’s a seer and they are the… ah, work it out for yourself.
See our Facebook and Instagram pages for Gal’s new video post about the 100 Club gig.
Dec 6. Good luck to James ‘JC’ Cruttwell as he walks thirty miles today to raise cash for the mental health charity MIND. He’s already beaten his target by notching up more than 400 sovs. You can help him raise £500 here. Those pointing out that JC’s endeavours also get him well away from his mother-in-law, guaranteeing peace and quiet for the best part of a day, need to be more charitable.
The latest Vive Le Rock has caused some controversy as Chelsea Dom’s 97page interview with the Last Resort refers to Micky French’s wife as Christine when the whole world knew her as Margaret. Some have piled in to mock the grand inquisitor for making a schoolboy error. But it seems unlikely that such a respected street culture authority would have got basic facts wrong. So was Mick in a bigamous relationship with this Christine, or was he actually cheating on her with Margaret? Might Margaret even have been ‘Christine’ on their date nights? As both of these great characters have sadly passed away there is no way of checking, but Dom knows the greater truth and so we must wait eagerly, but patiently, for his memoirs to reveal all.
Various Gonads fans and co-singers have reacted furiously to news of Fat Col’s ‘Psychic Rod’ enterprise, but we can’t publish their criticisms because this blog is watched “like a hawk” by Col’s libel lawyer (The Beast). Gannon himself tells us that he is willingly to have his powers tested by cynics and unbelievers. “All they have to do is pay me a pony up front and they can taste my power for themselves,” he says reasonably. Col takes cash or bitcoins, or you can make cheques payable to Succum, Arden, Swallow enterprises.
Dec 5. The Last Resort’s new album, Skinhead Anthems Vol 4, is out now and can be ordered direct from Randale.
In other news we hear rumours of a new Fat Col scandal, one that is so distressing we can barely bring ourselves to report it. It seems that Col has set himself up a psychic and is offering his services, on a strictly ‘women only’ basis, for £25 a half-hour. What is shocking is he claims he came only make contact with “the other side” while his client gives him oral sex. According to one Crayford woman, “It was quite traumatic, Mr Gannon seemed to take forever to make contact, but then he told me my late mother had come through and was encouraging me to apply a finger to his g-spot. It was incredible because he described her so accurately, even her accent and the way she spoke, and there is no way he could have known unless he had looked me up on Facebook beforehand and looked at my video films and photographs, but Mr Gannon would not have done that kind of thing. He’s a professional and gentleman.” She went on, “Eventually he climaxed with a surprisingly charmless grunt and an involuntary shiver. From force of habit, I spat it into my hankie and he told me off quite sternly for not swallowing. He said that if I had taken his jism internally he would have been able to prolong contact with my mother and even my grandmother, and by spitting I had insulted and diluted his spiritual vision. I apologised and gave him a £15 tip.” A spokesman for Col’s company, Rod Of Psychic Truth plc, told the blog, “Mr Gannon’s clients are not coerced into using his services and have all recorded their thanks for the comfort and insight he provides.”
Dec 4. Oi, Oi! It’s just two weeks until our big 100 Club gig with The Business and The Chisel. Hurry up ’Arry if you want tickets because it’s selling out like an MP at a sleaze fest. If you want any specific vinyl on the night, let us know up front please by emailing waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk Cheers!
Can it really be 40 years since Terence Hayes, DM, was first ushered into the light of Pranksterdom? The great man has attained such noble rank within the beer-loving brethren – WM, PM, DM – that it seems hard to picture him as a callow, youthful apprentice. Yet eyewitnesses recall the wondrous day when Tel was inducted, in the upstairs bar of the Tipperary pub (“the top of the Tip”), by Pearly King Del The Butcher and the late Screaming Lord Sutch, resplendent in their braces, Union Jack waistcoats and ceremonial robes or “crombies” as lay folk call them. It was said by many to be the most impressive working ever seen until the late Tony van Frater was elevated in Newcastle in the Noughties by the then WM, Pete Way (R.I.P.) and others rumoured to have included El Tel, as Tyler, Michael Geggus, Batttttty, Ron Rouman, MacGonad and a stoic Chelsea Dom.
The DM’s progress through the ranks was meteoric thanks, it is said, to his then prodigious memory. He also attained grand status in various obscure side orders, including the Rorke Drifters, the controversial Nondum Perisse, Wossname lodge, Gus Elen 1862 and the Andy Cappers. (Because Hockers has banned us from idle gossip, fake news and backstabbing, we are unable to repeat gossip that the Cappers’ induction ceremony sees the trembling initiate dressed only in DM boots and a cloth cap posing pouch – a claim dismissed as “fanciful” by Bro Effete El and “hugely erotic” by Bro Manic Esso.)
As you know, the apolitical Pranksters have banned us from reporting their activities so we can only say that their upcoming Winter Weekender, in that Leicester place, is likely to include a Punk Rock Circus, Ska band Barmaids Assemble, exotic machete juggler Marigold Kipling and “a Nigel Farage tribute act”. Rumours that militant Kent Pranksters burnt effigies of Macron, Boris and Starmer at their traditional Guy Fawkes Knees-Up last month cannot be confirmed or denied.
Dec 2. Roderick Smallwallet calls to tell us that Iron Maiden will be back on their Legacy Of The Beast tour next year. The great man – once said to be “tighter than Lee Wilson, Spizz and Eddie Piller combined” – reveals: “Next summer we will finally get to play the huge European stadium and festival tour for Legacy of the Beast originally set for 2020. The new show will be even more spectacular so after our visit to Rock in Rio early September 2022 we have decided to take it back to our fans in North America and Mexico too, playing in cities or venues we did not get to last time we toured in 2019. We are also adding some of the great cities of eastern Europe we were not initially visiting!” Rod goes on, "We’ll be making a couple of additions and changes to the production and setlist to include some songs from our new album Senjutsu and are making the 2022 version of Legacy Of The Beast even more spectacular than the acclaimed original show. You can be sure that we will still be featuring all the ‘hits’ and the key elements of the original tour like the Spitfire, Icarus, Hell, flamethrowers and pyro and the rest - but we will shake it up a bit and Trooper Eddie will have serious competition in the new Senjutsu ‘world’ we are adding...” Blimey.
Dec 1. Five years on. Rest In Peace Micky Fitz, gone but never forgotten.
