Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

 

Dec 17. This blog is closed for the festivities. Watch our news page for gig announcements. For more serious matters like Festivus, Fake Sandy West, Fat Col’s market stall, dodgy Oral bootleggers, the PM’s knee and such like we’re afraid you’ll have to wait a few weeks. Huge thanks to all of you who see our gigs, buy our songs and read this blog. Thanks to our army of grasses and snitches who keep the world misinformed. Thanks to our minders and groupies – okay grumpies. And most of all thanks to Frau Fledermaus for keeping us online. Merry Christmas people. Cheers!  Have a good’un!

Dec 16. Here are some pretty pix from our Christmas Curry knees-up... a traditional evening of lager, laughter, madras and madly inspired band plans (all forgotten with the morning’s hangover) followed by a home visit from Whip-Me Houston. Or was that just Fat Col (out of shot)?
Three amigos: Phil, Paul and Gal.
Wattsie Watts & Paul SkaNad. The nicest people in the room and possibly the world.
The gang tucks in. Poor Col had to sit on another table. In another restaurant. On another night.
Miss Management, right, with Wattsie and Jo Gonad.
 
Dec 15. There’s a new Yule-themed Rancid Sounds going out live next Tuesday (18th) on 2nd City Radio, which will include the new Syteria Xmas song and our own Greatest Cockney Christmas. Enjoy!

Del the Butcher calls, asking if we could also mention steak & kidney puddings and mutton madras. Piss off Derek, we’re trying to run a blog here.

Dec 14. His eminence Lord Waistrel (Duke of Pilsner, Earl of Chatham, Baron O’Bondage, Saviour of Barmaids, Knight of the Most Ancient & Noble Order of the Pork Scratching etc etc) this morning called an extraordinary press conference on Sandy Beach, Barbados. Wearing Bermuda shorts, flip-flops and full Parliamentary robes, Waistrel told the awestruck press corps that he has come up with “a lasting settlement” for the Gonads’ troubling “two bands conundrum”. Swigging a pint of restorative champagne top and speaking with great dignity, between copious burps, his Lordship stated: “The hallowed UK line-up shall always have first refusal for all gigs anywhere in the world... as long as they pay their own air fares and such like.” But, he added, demonstrating the wisdom of Solomon (Burke), “The US line-up will be perfectly entitled to the compensation of playing a UK gig – say for example Brighton next February, when it’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a bally brass monkey, on those exact same terms.” He went on: “However this offer comes with the proviso that any inappropriate wooing of Wattsie Watts will have severe consequences... Jay.” Waistrel concluded by announcing that he has negotiated Gonads gigs next year in Germany, France and Molvania.” Told Molvania doesn’t actually exist, the good Lord boomed: “Perfect – just like my tax returns.”

Dec 13. We hear that Del the Butcher cornered Effete El in the Anchor In Hope last night with a couple of heavies. The beefy bounder menacingly told him: “We know that you are leaking private Prankster information to the bleedin’ Gonads blog.” Shaking with terror, El protested his innocence but was silenced with a curt “Don’t piss on my boots and tell me it’s raining. We know your game, son, and to be honest we don’t mind too much abhart it. But there was a serious error in that report of the John King kerfuffle the other day and you have to get it sorted You quote me making my speech and talking about chicken and pies an’ that, but you completely forgot to include gammon steak, veal, tripe an’ onions and pigs’ trotters. Get it right or be blackballed...” Consider the shocking oversight corrected, Del mate. In other Prankster news, we understand that Festivus will have a rock ’n’ roll circus theme. See your Tyler for details.

Dec 12. The Jolly Pranksters have issued an internal statement confirming that Terence Hayes, PM, was indeed recently released from hospital. They claim that he had been admitted for “a routine knee operation”. Obviously fake news! Our sources within the hospital (specifically the Windsor ward nurses’ station) have confirmed that the PM’s injury was “consistent with an assault by a heavy object” to wit a 12-inch wooden statuette of Bluebottle from the Goons wielded by Grunt. But what was the cause of the big Bermondsey bust-up that left the PM up shit creek in the first place? One senior Prankster whispers: “All was in jovial order at the Lodge of Titillation until a group of Chelsea brethren suggested inviting John King to give a speech about Brexit at Festivus. John they argued, although not a Prankster has very sound views on the urgent need for British liberation and a No Deal, “Up Yours, Juncker” solution. Well this went down like a sack of shit, particularly with Big Del, aka Del The Butcher, from Walton Lodge. In a state of red-faced fury, Del leapt to his feet and condemned JK as “an enemy of Pranksterdom and all we stand for”. In a speech variously described as “Shakespearean”, “spot on” and “frankly butch”, Del stated: “We English Pranksters are carnivores to our very souls. We are roast beef men, steak pie, lamb chops, chicken and chips, sausages and mash and bacon butties. We’re roast hog, pigeon pie and curried goat fellows. Turkey and duck, goose and grouse... THAT’S WHO WE ARE! To give a vegan the platform at a Prankster gathering, especially at Festivus, would be to insult every Prankster living and dead.” And that, says our spy, is when it kicked off...

Unexpectedly the US Gonads have had their “Gonads Plus” deal comprehensively rubbished by fellow Americans – specifically the Shiragirl Appreciation Society. Dismissing Trotsky and “tripe-hound Tripod” as “fucken clowns” and “dick-less wonders”, the foul-mouthed Shira fans said: “How can it be Gonads Plus without Shira in the line-up?” A bloody good point. A real Gonads Plus would surely have Shona, Shira, Shayna, Leanne Bowes and possibly Beki Bondage... all pissing on the Golden Shot in a magnificent #MeToo (#WeeToo, surely? – Ed) moment. That’s the future. (You’re sacked – Ed).

Dec 11. Taking their cue from the British government’s on-going Brexit fiasco, the US Gonads are offering what they call a “Gonads Plus” solution to the transatlantic battle of the bands. If the UK Gonads play the US next year, the US Nads are proposing a UK tour featuring this line-up, pictured. Yeah, that’ll go down well...
Dec 10. Urgent correction: the United Brethren of the Jolly Pranksters, England, have asked us to correct “a very serious error”. In yesterday’s blog we reported that Terence Hayes, PM, had been hospitalised after receiving a serious knee injury from Dalston Dan who was ‘wielding a heavy 12inch wooden model of Blodnok from the Goons’. The Brethren utterly deny the charge. Acting for Grand Lodge, the Beast states: ‘This claim is ludicrous and libellous. No serious Prankster would go into a ruck with a 12inch wooden model of Blodnok from the Goons. Brother Grunt was actually armed with a 12inch wooden statuette of Bluebottle.” We apologise without reservation.

The war between the US and UK Gonads continues to escalate. Last night the furious Septics posted this shocking picture of Gal on social media accusing “The Godfather of Oi!” of making them an unreasonable offer. Said a source close to Rodger “Trotsky” Shosa: “Gal treats us like toys. Sometimes he gets us out to play with, other times he leaves us in the toy-box while he plays with his British toys. It’s not right... even if Jay the Tripod is exactly the right size to fit in the toy-box.” Jay tells us that they are thinking of touring the UK with Clyde Ward and Geoffrey C. Palmer who would “take Gal’s role simply by wearing a fake beard”. Wattsie would be in the line-up too because, he says “Who doesn’t love Wattsie? She’s my dream girl!” (At this point Rodger reminds him that his right hand was his dream girl... until it turned him down). Ignoring him, Jay continues: “Wattsie is the type of woman who makes you wish you spoke a little French...” (Wattsie speaking French? It would be all “extraterrestres, fantômes et vernis à ongles pour hommes” – Bilingual Ed). The woman herself takes a dim view of “the real band” being attacked and insulted by “American upstarts and pretenders”. She adds fiercely: “This is how wars start!” Going to a party, going to a Boston tea party... That sound you hear in the background is Fat Col chuckling fit to burst.

Dec 9. We’re hearing disturbing reports that Terence Hayes PM has been hospitalised after a “near riot” at the Pranksters National Planning Committee meeting at that Bermondsey place last weekend. Apparently tempers boiled up and fists flew over “outrageous” proposals for this year’s Festivus, scheduled for the weekend of the 21st – 23rd. The Perfect Master is said to have waded in single-handedly “like an elderly Bruce Lee” and restored good order. However El Tel apparently received a serious knee injury in the process from Dalston’s own Danny “The Grunt” Gruntfuttock wielding “a heavy 12inch wooden model of Blodnok from the Goons”. Our field agents are trying to discover the cause of the row – almost unheard of in Prankster circles – but the brethren have closed ranks. More news when we have it.

Here is the revolting “Richie Rocker action figure” that was on sale on Fat Col’s Woolwich market barrow yesterday – a snip at just a pony a piece. On close inspection it looks remarkably like last year’s Si Spanner model. But then the man’s got to live, we suppose...

We are still trying to repair the chaos Col has caused over the so-called Gonads US 2019 tour (still very much a fantasy). The angry US Gonads have compiled a lengthy list of reasons why they, and not the UK Gonads, should play the shows mooted for California and Nevada. These include “ the US drummer is better looking”, “the UK line-up doesn’t include a half-man”, “we would bring disappearing Dave the Wave”, “we know how to drive on the right side of the road” and “We were subjected to a week of Sandie West, we’re due for something good”. Well that last reason is undeniable. Jay the Tripod adds “Gal and Clyde should have stayed in the States with us... it’s not like the UK line-up get any gigs over there, all they seem to do is lig about, eat curry and moan... they blocked the brilliant Oi Mate video that we shot on Venice Beach and a whole year later they still haven’t made one of their own – they are all mouth and turmeric.” We await furious responses from the UK Gonads with heavy hearts...

Dec 8. Here at last are more pictures from Monday’s Christmas curry nosh-up in beautiful downtown Whitechapel. Enjoy!
John King can barely contain his joy at the plate of vegan muck he’s just eaten. Cass had lamb chops.
Steve Drewitt of the Newtown Neurotics ends a hard day of kicking out the Tories to tuck in.
Two geezers called Kaos and a bird who causes it...
Barnet Mark and Eugene Butcher, Viva Las Vegas meets Vive Le Rock.
Lee Wilson gives a typical warm-hearted response to the news that it’s his round. Chairman Dom sags, knowing full well the bill will fall to him.
The great Oi guru Steve Whale tries in vain to make sense of Wattsie’s views on aliens, ghosts and nail varnish for men.
Oh no, shit-stirring Fat Col has wound up the US Gonads something chronic. A spokesman for Rodger “Trotsky” Shosa tells us: “The Gonads USA don’t mind if the UK Gonads play dates over here. But if it happens, it seems only fair that the Gonads USA play your next four UK gigs.” The next four? Blimey, that takes us through to 2021... Jay The Tripod has conditions about UK band members playing California too, but as these seem to involve him sharing a bed with Wattsie we’d better keep that to ourselves.

Dec 7. Tomorrow, we promise, more pictures from the Punk Rock Curry Club Xmas do... and Fat Col is threatening to unveil his new “deluxe” RICHIE ROCKER action figure (this despite the fact that lawyers representing Brian Blessed and the makers of the Flash Gordon film are already pursuing the lardy lump over his so-called “Gal Goblet”.)

In book noos, Riche Ramone’s memoir, I Know Better Now, is out next Tuesday. The book, he promises, will be full of “lively stories” from before, after and during his time with the Ramones. It’s published by US company Backbeat Books, for an eye-watering 30bucks... meanwhile poet and top Ska DJ Tim Wells is expecting his skinhead werewolf novel to be finally out by March. We’re not quite sure why he’s raising the funds to produce it himself when Amazon do it for free but hey ho... let’s go.

Dec 6. STOP PRESS. R.I.P. Pete Shelley of the Buzzcocks who died following a heart attack earlier today. A lovely bloke and a brilliant band. Cop an earful here.

Dec 6. Oh crap! Fat Col has now jumped onto the Golden Goblets craze and is offering this limited edition “Gal Goblet” action figure on his market stall.

It gets worse. You really won’t want to see the Wattsie Watts Fountain of Fun doll (with liquid-proof splash mat) which the fat oaf has modelled on the rock opera’s controversial finale...

ACTUAL news: Jawbreaker and the Dropkick Murphys will headline Germany's Groezrock festival next April. Also on the bill are Stick To Your Guns, Neck Deep, Bowling For Soup, Coheed & Cambria, Donkey Dummkopf, Marky Ramone, Millencolin and tons more.

Groezrock 2019 will take place on April 26 and 27, 2019. However, we understand from our sources in Kurfürstenstraße that Punk & Disorderly might be signing certain bigger and more prestigious names....

Dec 5. Here are a couple of pictures from Monday night’s PRCC Christmas extravaganza – Gal with Whaley and Wattsie, and with John King and Cass. We will publish more in a day or two...

Dec 4. Last night’s Punk Rock Christmas Curry Club was a festive jolly-up of the first order, with some 26 members coming along and twenty even staying for the ruby – a huge success for Chairman Dom who hopes to unite the club’s two warring wings. Among the ranks were Cass Pennant, Barnet Mark, Steve Whale, Steve Drewitt, Max “Popadom” Spartan, Lee Wilson, JJ Kaos, Conor Kaos, Jim Jimmy James, Jan Janster Janine, and Vive Le Rock’s Eugene Butcher. Wattsie Watts brought crackers, while Teething Wells, Norwich Matt, Phil Badoe and Richard England came along just for the booze. Even John King turned up single-handedly representing the Beer Monster Elite, although he was described by one shocked brother as “pushing a vegan agenda with fire in his eyes drinking from the holy sceptre of stale ale”. Apologies for absence were received from Geno Blue, Manic Esso, Fat Col, Stalin, Matt Sargent, Robin Guy, the Anti Nowhere League and Terence Hayes PM. At least some pictures will be up tomorrow...

Richie Rocker contacts us regarding Fat Col’s fake Gal Gonad dolls. Pausing only to order two at a blog contributors’ discount, he writes: ‘There is a sitcom here surely? Oi! It’s Fools & Horses! We could have Col as Del-Boy, John King as Rodney, Wattsie as Cassandra, Terry Hayes as Grandad and Lee Wilson as Trigger. The first episode could involve devious wide-boy Col trying to flog the dolls to the Driscoll brothers (Steve Whale and Max Spartan).’ Sounds like a ratings smash to us! Maybe add Gal as Uncle Albert.

The intrepid Lt Coldumbo is already closing in on the nefarious Oral bootlegger known as “Witch-Bitch” (real name possibly Kayla). He writes: “If I wasn’t hard, I wouldn’t be alive, but even I was shocked by the shameless behaviour I uncovered in my hunt for the Witch-Bitch. As I trawled the deep recesses of the dark net...” (Get on with it – Ed) “...I found that the situation was worse than we feared. For this brazen American miscreant is not only selling unauthorised Oral t-shirts, she is also marketing cheap and nasty fanny bags – see evidence below – and flaunting her thieving activities.” Coldumbo found a host of “pitiful” Kayla boasts online including the claim that ‘If bands are reachable I was always contact them’. Oral’s legal adviser, the Beast, tells us: “This Witch-Bitch made no attempt whatsoever to contact Oral, their management or their record label. If she does not cease and desist her illegal and immoral activities with immediate effect we shall pursue her through the American courts. After that one thing is guaranteed – she won’t be a Rich-Bitch.”
Record noos: The Ramoms and Dad Brains have rushed out a punky Christmas ep. Track are: 1. ‘It's Christmas Time’ (Dad Brains) 2. Grinch (Dad Brains) 3. Lego Blocks (Ramoms) 4. Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight) (Ramoms)

Dec 3. We’re hearing reports that Oral – the sex-crazed all-girl rock band from the 80s – are being boot-legged in the USA. The band, as we revealed earlier this year, were, ahem, managed and guided by such heroes as Fatty Lol, Si Spanner, Gal and Steve Kent (Gal and Steve wrote most of their album, Oral: Sex). And a furious Lord Waistrel is demanding reparations. He has commissioned Lt Coldumbo (ex of the LAPD) to track down the guilty party or parties, and more importantly any monies owed, immediately. What this will mean for the future of the Fake Sandie West investigation and consequently this blog is anyone’s guess.

John King is receiving rave reviews for his Slaughterhouse Prayer novel. Steve Ignorant calls it “a book that grabs you by the collar, slams you up against the wall and shoves you through various emotions. The atmosphere of it stays with you for days afterwards; intimidating, heart-rending, brilliant.” 3:AM Magazine sums it up as “A story beautifully told… The potential for our rebirth, in language and deed, as a better kind of being… Back to the form though, which is stunning, in the only way that term should ever be celebrated. Slaughterhouse Prayer, a captive literary bolt through our collective consciousness. If Upton Sinclair had read the Upanishads…” And leading literary authority Fat Col considers it “a steaming heap of fanatical vegan propaganda with disturbing anti-humanity aspects – avoid at all costs”.

Talking of Gannon, the chunky monkey tells us “I have come up with a solution to the Golden Goblets opera conundrum. Clearly Wattsie Watts is unwillingly to go along with the dramatic demands of the script and take part in the final scene, sporting only Victoria’s Secret under-garments and submitting to a glorious five minute golden shower. A poor show on her part. However, were she to wear a skin-tight diver’s costume and designer helmet then she would be protected from any imagined indignity resulting from the artistically necessary urinary downpour and the show could go on.” He plans to raise the matter at the traditional Gonads’ Xmas curry. We’re sure she’ll take it well.

RIP Trevor Jenkins, a good man gone too soon.

Dec 2. This is the so-called “slightly defective” Gal Gonad action figure now on sale on Fat Col’s market stall. Close observers might notice that it is not Gal at all, but the former wrestling star Arn Anderson. He even has an ‘AA’ on his trunks! But with his usual weasel cunning Col is telling punters that Gal “has an intimate connection with blonde wrestler Anne-Archy” and that these are his “lurv pants”. He also claims that Gonad’s tattoos have been “removed so as not to frighten children”. Astonishingly he sold an impressive 33 of them yesterday at £10 a pop, which Col proudly invested in a shrewd “Tyson to win in the first” boxing bet. Berk.

The phone rings at Nads HQ, Chelsfield. “Martyn Kramer representing the English National Opera,” booms the voice on loudspeaker. Fit Bird bows slightly. “We have heard that Munich wants the Quest For The Golden Goblets,” he says, in an accent plumier than a jam factory. “This MUST NOT HAPPEN! The Gonads are a quintessentially English phenomenon and it is vital than the ENO stages your punk rock opera.” Kramer then describes his vision of the opening of the scene: “Armed thugs from the Beer Monster Elite stand guard around a giant goblet in which the proudly naked body of The Yeti floats. As the opening chords soar to uncharted highs, and the audience is drawn into voyeuristic complicity, the Golden Shot emerges carrying in his hand a pale yellow vessel ominously over-flowing with liquid. The subsequent encounter with Fake Sandie West is (Jimmy)-riddled with tension. A camera attached to a the Golden Shot’s helmet projects an extraordinary image of a fountain of urine onto the backcloth, which turns from black-and-white to sparkling lime-gold as Sandie’s lurid fascination grows. The Golden Shot’s explicit expressions of desire render the fake director alarmingly vulnerable, but when Miss Management and the grand diva Wattsie Watts arrive the tension momentarily evaporates.” We like the sound of this, we say. Martyn continues: “In Act 2 we see a gushing stream of hallucinatory images as The Yeti, dripping with urine, goes... ” Never mind Act 2, we say impatiently, how does it end? “It ends,” he says, “And you’ll like this, with the diva Watts getting stripped to her Victoria’s Secret smalls and placed centre stage on plastic sheeting. And then the entire contents of the giant goblet are rained down upon her in a glorious five minute golden shower... ” D’oh! He continues saying that feminist director Adena Jacobs would be “absolutely right” for the production as she would focus on the way the Golden Goblets and the Salirophilia they glorify are “objectifying male constructs”... but by then he is talking to no-one for happy hour has started in the Five Bells and we are already out of the door.

Random News: Me First & The Gimme Gimmes have released a cover of ‘Santa Baby’ as a Xmas single... (memo to band: we must remember to record our Xmas single next year!)... Tickets are now on sale for the Selecter’s 40th Anniversary Tour next year with special guest DJ Rhoda Dakar. It kicks off in Europe in September before hitting the UK & Ireland for 20 dates in October and November, finishing at London’s o2 Shepherd’s Bush Empire.

Dec 1. Fat Col, that rogue agent of fake news, has set up his traditional Xmas stall in Woolwich market, and from today will be selling what he calls “slightly defective Gal Gonad dolls”. What can he mean?

Out now: The Adolescents Cropduster LP – their angriest and yet also their sharpest album to date. 18 tracks on coloured vinyl, available from Germany’s Concrete Jungle Records... and Bauhaus’s first studio recordings, The Bela Session, has been re-released as a 12inch. The songs were recorded in January 1979, and include ‘Bela Lugosi’s Dead’. (Leaving Records).


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