Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
Old Year’s Night, 31st December: It’s that time again, folks. Time to hand out our highly sought-after Golden Gonad gongs for the greatest moments of 2017. Starting with the coveted... Scrooge Award for Unreasonable Tightness. Always a crowded category, previous winners have included Scoops, Eddie Pillar, Spizz and of course Paul Devine. But when it comes to relentless miserliness and meanness beyond the call of duty, no-one could hold a candle to this year’s winner – Mr LEE MARIGOLD WILSON of Infa Riot, dodger of rounds, swerver of bills, and piss-taker of the first order (but never last orders, eh Lee?).
Cartoon Villain/Villainess of the Year: Again there were many contenders, but no-one came close to the outrageous machinations and dodgy doings of self-styled “old school Hollywood director”, mistress of mayhem, destroyer of worlds and notorious porky pie enthusiast, SANDIE WEST, the Cruella de Vil of southern California. (Although in fairness, if it wasn’t for her the US tour would not have happened...).
Hero/Heroine of the Year: Christine Peake, the former glam legend turned LA media hot-shot came to Gal and Clyde’s rescue in November, reviving them from certain death with a First Aid kit consisting of hot grub, cold booze, proper beds and a pukka breakfast fry-up. Peakey is a queen amongst womankind and a bonafide legend of humanity.
Album of the Year: There was some lively support for Rancid’s Troublemaker, and vocal backing for Buster Shuffle’s I’ll Take What I Want but after lengthy deliberation (and a sizeable cash payment) our panel of experts gave this much sought-after gong to Cock Sparrer’s Forever. Liam Gallagher didn’t come close.
Cultural Event: The Quest for the Golden Goblets, a live show that opened “off-Broadway” (off Broadway by 2,807miles) in Venice Beach, Los Angeles last month.
Most Ridiculous Gonads Internal Fall-Out: Back in January, Wattsie copped the hump with Gal because she’d DREAMT that they’d had a blazing row and she had walked out of the band; in response Gal told her she was SACKED until he had a dream where she apologised. (It’s best to ignore Fat Col’s requested dream). Runner-up: Wattsie’s tireless – sorry, tiresome – campaign against the West Coast shows.
Public controversy of the Year: in February, a group of Dartford residents tried to ban our ‘Dogging In Dartford’ single. As Fat Col said at the time “From where? It’s not as if Radio One were ever going to play it!” (Wattsie reckoned Crayford residents were equally pissed off because they didn't get a mention.)
Our gig of the year: The Viper Room, Sunset Strip. Runner-up: the This Is England festival at The Secret Place, Montpellier, France in March (see also Scandal of the Year: Le Gentlemen’s Pissoir).
The first ever Lord Waistrel ‘Stand-In for Wattsie’ award: Shiragirl.
Heckle of the year: “Hey Barbie, where’s Ken?” to Shiragirl at the Dive Bar, Las Vegas.
Gonads side-project of the Year: GBX for their debut single ‘Saturday Night Beneath The Plastic Palm Trees’ (featuring Angie Brown).
New but unrecorded Gonads song of the year: ‘Federales’. Runners-up: ‘Shona & The Alien’ and ‘Promised Land’.
The Annual Terence Hayes award for Gonads Fan of the Year: Ronnie who flew from Seattle to Vegas to see us. Runners-up: Rudi Guerre, who journeyed from Oop North to Montpellier for This Is England, and Laura The Explorer, who drove down from Rotterdam.
The Punk Rock Curry Club Indian restaurant of the Year: Lahore Kebab House, Whitechapel.
Fat Col’s Punk Rock Dream-boat of the Year: Astrid Von Hinten.
Jolly Pranksters’ Lodge of the Year: The Ancient & Comedic Order of the Pig's Bladder, Rainham.
Fat Col’s Misheard Lyric of the Year: ‘Does she take it up the pooper?’ – opening line of Cock Sparrer’s ‘One By One’ (actual words: ‘Kicking cans along the subway’).
The First Annual Theresa May Award for Hanging On Despite Epic Failure To Deliver, and in the face of Widespread Public Opprobrium – Colin Gannon.
Webmistress of the Year: For the 46273289th year running, this prestigious award goes to Frau Fledermaus herself. And even if it hadn't, this website would proclaim it as such. So mote it be.
The 37th Annual Terry Hayes Award for Keeping The World Waiting: Pete Way and his new album, it's been eight years and still counting.
The 47th Annual Pete Way Award for Never Showing Up: Terry Hayes.
The Steve Whale Award for God-like Calm: Paul "SkaNad" Mummery.
The Ashley Thomas Troubling Memory Loss Award: Phil "Get the Straps on Rebellion" McBadoe.
The hotly-desired 7 of 9 Gong for Steely Determination & Indomitable Style: Miss Management.
Golden Shot of the Year: ***** **** (Name withheld to protect the guilty).
And finally, Lord Waistrel’s coveted Legends of Oi 2017 award: for this first time this handsome honour is split between Jay The Tripod, Rodger ‘Trotsky’ Shosa and Geoffrey C Palmer of the Gonads USA, Psycho Mannie of Las Vegas, and Mr James “JC” Crutwell of the East End Badoes. We love ya, boys, and we hope to work with you all again soon.
Dec 30. We’re back kids! Incredibly, while we’ve been away the Daily Star Sunday ran a 500 word article on our US tour dates last Sunday. To put that in perspective, Bruce Dickinson only got 320 words! And big-shot Hollywood director Sandie West (for it was she) came back to us with the news that James Franco was on board for a role in the great Gonads movie. Now that is an incredible development and we look forward to the star of 127 Hours, The Sausage Party and The Deuce turning up along with Howard Stern, Jimmy Kimmel and all the other huge talents she assured us were on board for the mockumentary to sing our praises in due course. Maybe not this decade though.
Sandie also went public on Facebook with her praise for the work of Gary Oldman in the cult classic film Scum (Eh? – Ed). We look forward to her next posts evaluating the role of Ray Winstone in Hairspray and analysing Joe Pasquale’s supreme thespian contribution to Bronco Bullfrog... Tune back tomorrow for our awards of the year.
OUT now: the Agnostic Front/Powerhouse split vinyl 7inch (via Streetwear)... Restraining Order have released two cassettes of hardcore punk, one self-titled the other called Something For The Youth. For lovers of pure HC punk with “no metal, no pretentions and no bullshit” (and no tunes – Ed).
Dec 22. With regret we are closing this blog down for the foreseeable future while our high-flying legal representative The Beast attempts to get the Mexican old bill off Clyde and Gal’s backs. Even as we speak Beastie Boi is heading for the headquarters of the Policía Federal Ministerial in Mexico City to explain that they’re making a terrible mistake. Meanwhile the wanted duo were last seen heading swiftly towards the south of France sporting ill-fitting syrups as if auditioning for TV’s Celebrity Hunted... and stranger things...
Happy birthday Shona Wattsie Watts! Mr Gannon asks us to pass on the bad news that the present he got for her from Thailand has been “impounded by Customs officials” and asks would a marrow do instead? He’s offering to plant it firmly in her back garden and... no, Shona, come back! It’s not us, it’s him.
JUST out: the new ep from US ska-punks King Tut’s Revenge called ‘Weather The Storm’... The Vandals have re-issued their mighty 1996 classic album Oi To The World on vinyl. It’s re-mastered and comes with a bonus track... The Velvet Underground are releasing a limited edition six-album vinyl box-set that combines four of their studio albums with a reconstruction of their “lost” 1969 LP. It includes The Velvet Underground & Nico (from 1967), White Light/White Heat (1968), The Velvet Underground (1969), Loaded (1970) and Nico’s solo debut Chelsea Girl. It’s due out on 23rd February. (Limited to 1,000).
Finally cheers to everyone who has submitted photos of and stories/revelations about our chum Lee Wilson. We would normally have wound this thing down by now but it’s pissing him off so much we may have to come back to it soon. Have a great Christmas! See you in the New Year! Oi to the World!
Dec 21. Is this the real Lee, or is it just fantasy? This shocking picture of Lee Wilson in full Manowar tribute guise has been sent to us by a “concerned reader” from Bromley, Kent. Scary eh kids?
Other informants have been quick to supply scurrilous details of Mr Wilson’s hitherto private life. Ethel Shufflebottom, Jock Strap and Olivia Klozephel-Hoff all claim to be old school friends of Lee’s from Plymouth. Ethel, now his cleaning lady in North London, alleges that the Infa Riot singer took her to a Donny Osmond concert “against my will” and soiled his trousers twice. She also claims that he sings Jimmy Osmond’s ‘Long-haired Lover From Liverpool’ “every time he has a shower” (so at least twice a year – Shocked Ed). Meanwhile Jock tells us that Lee “puts his bin out every Sunday and sorts out his sock drawer on a Monday”. Blimey. Silent waters run deep, they say... sadly Olivia’s revolting testimony has been judged too libellous to publish by The Beast. But please keep the gossip coming, this evil must be continuously exposed (at least until a just financial settlement is reached).
*We have now established that the Gulf Cartel are investigating the LA cafe “outrage”. To make matters worse so are the Mexican cops. Rumours that a sizeable bounty has been placed on our boys’ heads were laughed off last night by Gal who told us over the phone: “This can’t possibly be true, we are totally innocent of all wrong-doing... Tarn, where’s my ‘go’ bag?... get Clyde on the dog... that soddin’ Sandie West is behind this... did I mention she fucked my back up?... where’s my effin’ passport...?” Gulp.
Dec 20. Gal has announced that he will finally launch his An Evening with Garry Bushell live show in 2018. In a statement on his blog, Sir Gonad writes: ‘I have been putting it off for nearly two years, but I’m determined to launch my one-man show next year before what’s left of my grey matter dissolves completely. An Evening with Garry Bushell will, I hope, be as funny as it is truthful. It’ll draw on everything I have ever been involved in – rock music, TV, showbiz, newspapers etc. If you’re interested in coming, email management@bushell.biz and we will contact you directly when the time and date of the first night is confirmed.’ We might even go ourselves...
Oh dear. Scrotum tried to pay in Lee Wilson’s cheque yesterday and was laughed out of Coutts bank. To no-one’s surprise Wilson’s kite was snide. In the circumstances we would ask all our readers to send us your Lee Wilson gossip and observations which we will start to print tomorrow along with a particularly damning smudge.
*This is worrying, we’re hearing reports that a Mexican cartel have expressed an interest in “talking” to Clyde and Gal about “incidents at a Mexican cafe near Venice Beach, Los Angeles last month”. More news when we have it.
Dec 19. Controversy Corner: new TV show The Ten Worst Moments In Premier Football History had the temerity to feature the Cockney Rejects playing at the last day of Upton Park as one of the alleged dodgy incidents with various two-bob talking heads referring to the band as “Who?” and “Some punk band no-one has ever heard of.” Oh dear. We’d suggest the real worst moment is still to come for these piss-ignorant piddle-poor pundits, when they bump into Mick and Jeff in a handy dark alley... for a pleasant exchange of views...
An interesting question on ITV’s The Chase this week – who have rock experts named as the most significant artist of the last fifty years? After considering John Lennon, the contestant finally went for Bob Dylan. He was wrong, for as Brad points out in our screen grab, the actual answer was option C, the PM himself...
STOP PRESS. We’ve called a temporary halt to the Lee Wilson exposé/blackmail campaign after a cheque arrived from Lee’s business account (The Bank of Scrooge) written in quill and made out to Lord Waistrel for the sum of 500 guineas. Frankly we don’t know whether to pay it in or frame it...
Dec 18. Theatrical notice: coming soon to South London – Waiting for Badoe, a play by Sammy Beckett, in which two characters, Gal and Steve, wait for the arrival of Badoe, also known as Terry Hayes, PM, a semi-mythical figure who promises to turn up but never actually arrives... Sunday after sodding Sunday. The waiting pair (abandoned in a tiny suburban micropub) are forced to engage in a variety of discussions and encounter three other characters including the oafish Fat Col and aging barmaid/philosopher Brenda. Waiting for Badoe is Beckett’s translation of his own original French play, En attendant Terence, and is subtitled (in English only) “a tragicomedy in 37 acts”. In a poll conducted by the British Royal National Theatre this month Badoe was voted the “most frustrating English language drama of the 21st century”. Various interpretations of the play have been advanced. Some see it as an allegory of galloping dementia, others view it as a study of serial unreliability. Some even compare it to Brexit. Professor Jean-Jacques de Couilles says: “Just as Britain waits endlessly for the promise of liberation, so our two leading men wait like plums for the promise of Badoe’s appearance, watching in horror as the bill (either for leaving ze EU or in zis case for lager and pork scratchings) mounts up weekly.” He goes on: “In essence ze play is a metaphor for ze futility of man’s existence. Salvation is expected from an external entity, i.e. Badoe, and ze self is denied introspection.” The national press have been less kind. Reviews include: “No stars! Not worth the wait” – The Stage. “Preposterous! Why would two sane people believe the empty promises of the reactionary Hayes week in and week out?” – The Morning Star. And “A never-ending let-down” – Sunday Torygraph.
Why didn’t we publish the name of the mystery woman whose legs we featured six days ago, a furious blog-reader asks? For the simple reason that the pins were identified almost immediately by eagle-eyed Chelsea Dom as belonging to the living legend Astrid Von Hinten. (That Dom recognised them but her so-called boyfriend Lee “Lovejoy” Wilson did not inspired hours of idle, not to mention offensive, speculation here at Nads HQ in beautiful downtown Chelsfield). Astrid has Morticia from the Addams Family inked on the backs of her upper legs and we understand (from Dom) that the tats don’t end there. Apparently her Pugsley is a thing of beauty, her Gomez makes admirers whistle in awe and her Lurch is said to grow in size when the mood takes her. But, advance warning Lee, her Fester is “definitely not for the faint-hearted”.
PS. Well, we’ve had no cash-filled envelope drop so we have no option but to leak this shock snap of Lee in Larry Grayson mode. Tomorrow: more pictures. The clock is ticking, Lovejoy!
Dec 17. Some miserable Welsh whinger has launched a deranged on-line attack on the Punk Rock Curry Club. “No jobs, no money, no future, but it’s okay if you’re in the Curry Club,” the absurd Muppet moans, adding preposterously that our pictures “Look like an EMI board meeting.” Leaving aside the small fact that an EMI board that included Cass Pennant and Big E from MFC would probably sign way better bands than the current bunch of turds, a few mates getting together for a light ale and a £20 ruby is hardly the fucking Carlton Club, is it? What does ‘Paul Taff’ do on his nights out? Sit in a park eating alfalfa, talking to trees and drinking tepid meths with his mates (if he has any)? Hadaway and shite, son.
A friend of Lee Wilson tells us that the great man has fallen on hard times since the release of his latest album Money For Old Rope (Um, isn't it called Old & Angry? – Factual Ed). Poor sales and a critical backlash have given Lee a bit of a knock, the friend whispers. As a result the Infa Riot crooner is said to be planning a solo tour next year with “a Larry Grayson inspired one-man stand-up show” possibly called Shut That F***ing Door, You C***! Blimey. And that’s not all. The slippery informant goes on to say that Lee has also been rehearsing with a Manowar tribute band called Tightwadowar in which he uses the stage name Eric Adam-Over (and occasionally Joey De Campo). We refused to believe that but the so-called pal claims to have pictures of Lee “leathered up” in a full fantasy metal cossie. “For the right money, they can be yours,” the friend whispers. Double Blimey. Lee, mate, we await your counter-bid with interest.
Continuing this metal theme, Venom release a new ep this coming Friday called 100 Miles To Hell (Spinefarm records)... and Nepalm Death are set to release a double album rarities compilation called Coded Smears & More Uncommon Slurs next March. The comp includes non-album cuts and unreleased songs from the band’s 2004-2016 period.
Dec 16 STOP PRESS! Lord Waistrel has agreed that we will not play any shows on Saturday the 19th May next year. This extraordinary move follows a personal plea from “a senior Royal”. The unexpected Palace intervention came shortly before the date of Prince Harry's marriage was announced yesterday. Said a source: “We can cope with clashing with the FA Cup but a gig that night by a resurgent Gonads at the O2 or Wembley Arena would put a real dampener on the day.” Well, we wouldn’t want that, not with Wattsie a bridesmaid and Fat Col writing the best man’s speech.
Dec 16. Organ-trashing US garage band The Mummies, veteran 60s rockers the Pretty Things and Spain’s Tito Ramirez headline the New Untouchables’ action-packed Easter 3-dayer next year. This retro-cornucopia takes place at London’s 229 club over the weekend of 30th March to 1st April. The live acts finish at 11pm whereupon a dynamic international DJ team will spin 100% vintage vinyl until dawn. A limited number of early bird tickets are on sale now. Full line-up + tickets/travel/hotel Info at www.lebeatbespoke.com
OUT now! Drew Carolan’s New York photo-book Matinee: All Ages On The Bowery has been published by Radio Raheem, full of rare pictures from the hardcore matinees at CBGB between 1983 and ’85. The hefty 10” x 10” book comes with nearly 150 pages of unforgettable shots.
Prankster note: Festivus TOMORROW. That Kent Place. See your Tyler for details.
Dec 15. PLEASE NOTE: contrary to various internet rumours we will NOT, repeat NOT, be playing Punk Rock Bowling next May. But there is some good news. It seems that Fat Col’s constant lobbying of Lord Waistrel about new Gonads recordings has finally paid off. His Lordship has agreed that the next Gonads album release will be Greater Hits Volume 4 – Balls Deep rather than the so-called “Oi opera” Parousia. Waistrel has also signed off on the tracks, which will largely consist of re-recordings of rare numbers from our earliest years. The songs will be: 1) Punk Rock Will Never Die (originally released in 1982). 2) Antigallican Last Bell (written in 1976 but never recorded). 3) Eat The Rich (originally released in 1983). 4) Whelks (written in 1977, never recorded). 5) Red Army (written in 1976, never recorded). 6) Ripper’s Delight (written in 1979, limited audio cassette release that year). 7) Willing To Kill (originally recorded as ‘Vendetta’ for The Joys Of Oi comp, released 1990 but written in 1984) 8) Reg & Ron (originally released ‘by Lord Waistrel & The Cosh Boys, also first aired on The Joys Of Oi) 9) Clouds (written in 1970 for Gal’s earlier band, Pink Tent, and never previously recorded). 10) Pink Tent (written 1971, first release 2008). 11) The Legend of Sam Bartram (written 1977). 12) Darling Harold (written 1977, never released). 13) Fire Down Under (written in 1982, never recorded by us). 14) Filthy Rich (Small Faces cover, never recorded). 15) Unky Bunk (written in 2001, released 2002 on Addicted To Oi). Bonus Track: Far Canal (recorded live in 1983). Punishment track: Annie’s Song (original released 1982). Fat Col tells us: “Waistrel wants this comp to be the hardest-hitting of all of them, which is a tall order when you think how awesome Plums was. He’s quite psyched up about it actually. There is a BUT, though, for although the good Lord has green-lighted the LP he is adamant that it can only be recorded after the GBX debut album – and we don’t have a schedule for that yet.”
Nick Welsh calls to tell us he saw the Rejects live at the 100 Club. “It was the best gig I’ve seen for years,” the King Hammond star says. “They were fucking brilliant.”
Dec 14. Here are some of the pictures from the Christmas Curry we promised - groovy eh kids?
All pictures in focus by Jim Jimmy Jiminy James.
THE Spitfires release their brand new single ‘Over And Over Again’ tomorrow via Hatch Records. The single will be available on 7” vinyl and via all good digital retailers and comes with another new track ‘Take Action!’ as the B-side. The Watford boys are also playing a special release show for fans aged 14 and over on Saturday at London’s The Borderline. An extensive UK tour follows.
Dec 13. Judge Shed, Lee Wilson and Cass Pennant were among the faces at last night’s Punk Rock Curry Club Christmas bash. The sixteen strong party included Louise Distras, who is off on tour with Itch from the King Blues again in March, Steve Drewett – currently filming a documentary about the Newtown Neurotics called Kick Out – and Jet from Buster Shuffle who has been touring in support of their blinding new album I’ll Take What I Want. Jet brought Mexican Ska promoter Jose Olan with him, who told us “I heard good things about the Gonads in San Diego. Next time, Tijuana!”. (Here, here). Lee, who managed to swerve the bar area entirely, spent the evening pining over his paramour, the distant Astrid Von Hinten and moaning about having to come to Sidcup for the event. “You could try organising your own curry night,” snapped PRCC president Steve Whale, whose migraine-inducing Christmas jumper did little to disguise his sternness. Cass brought the gift of Old School football woolly hats and told us about his 2-Tone film, Barnet Mark expounded on his 12 Bar label and Max Spartan kept everyone up to date with the situation in Peckham.
Other guests included Mat Sargent from Chelsea, filmmaker Luke Baker, Chelsea Dom and Gents & Herberts photographer Jim Jimmy James. Apologies for absence were received from Animal (who’s done his knee in), John King, Rhoda Dakar, Millwall Roi, Paul SkaNad, Mandy Crow, Steve English and Terence Hayes, PM, who was “at a funeral” (presumably one of those fashionable torch-led affairs with a midnight wake). The only controversy concerned Gal who is said to have “vanished into the night” and has not been seen since. Rumours that he was later spotted performing as the Great Profundo at a topless poker game above the Chinese massage parlour in the early hours have been dismissed as “fake news unworthy of this blog” by his PA Fit Bird. Apologies if we have left anyone out, and for the names we’ve forgotten, but ten pints of Stella on an empty stomach has that effect on us these days. Pictures will no doubt follow. The next PRCC meet will be in January, called on by a special guest of honour on a need-to-know basis. Said Steve Whale: “It will be in South London, as is traditional and as it should be.”
Dec 12. Whose legs are these? The first person to correctly identify the owner of these fabulous pins wins one of Lord Waistrel’s invaluable no-prizes to keep for posterity. Answer on Saturday if no-one guesses correctly beforehand.
Our buddies at Pirates Press have got three limited edition sets of badges (Yanks call them pins) on sale right now... PIN SET #1 has COCK SPARRER, CRIM, STREET DOGS, SUEDE RAZORS, BISHOPS GREEN, BUM CITY SAINTS, DTS, REDUCERS SF, ROADSIDE BOMBS and THIS MEANS WAR! PIN SET#2 has RANCID, NOi!SE, TOFC, SYDNEY DUCKS, BOOZE AND GLORY, SMALLTOWN, THE STRUGGLE, FM359,THE RATCHETS and the HARRINGTON SAINTS. PIN SET#3 consists of LION’S LAW, 45 ADAPTERS, KICKER, LARS & THE BASTARDS, THE SLACKERS, WORKIN’ STIFFS, BONECRUSHER, THE INTERRUPTERS, THE TEMPLARS and THE COMPLICATORS. Fat Col is working on our own Badge Set which when available next Christmas will include: THE GONADS, GBX, PROLE, THE SKANADS, GONADS USA, THE ORGASM GUERRILLAS, MISS WATTSIE & LORD WAISTREL & THE COSH BOYS. He’s a great bloke, Col. He can light up a room just by moving away from the window.
Dec 11. This is the latest shock picture to surface from our historic return to the USA last month. It purports to show Gal with a week’s supply of the “magical powder” which sustained the American Gonads through eight solid (and largely sleepless) days of gigging and Sandie West inflicted torture. When we asked Fit-Bird what exactly the giant beaker contained, she told us straight-faced that it was “the same powdered monkey glands that Charlie Harper uses” with just “a sprinkling of vitamin A and alpha lipoic acid”. It would be ungallant to disbelieve her.
Bruce Dickinson called Nads HQ moments ago to tell us how sales of his autobiography, What’s This Button Do?, are going. The swash-buckling Iron Maiden singer reveals that he’d written a whole chapter on his disastrous early driving experiences and included the times he nearly killed Gal twice – once in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and then again in Dortmund, Germany. Sadly the driving chapter was cut from the finished manuscript. “I’d written 20,000 words too many,” he says. “And the publishers Harper Collins said it was just too long.” Philistines!
Fat Col tells us that we have taken delivery of a new batch of Glorious Bastards album. And here is our Christmas pledge to you: buy this CD from the shop-page now and we’ll guarantee a month-long migraine free of charge.
RECORD noos: coming soon from Evil Records – ABH’s ‘Don’t Mess With The SAS’ re-issued as a 7-inch vinyl single... old Scottish Oi band Straw Dogs’ ‘Dog’s Life’ (also a 7inch)... and Serbian Oi band Ritam Nereda’s 1991 debut album, Nikog Nema (LP).
Dec 10. Here is the first shot of the Great Profundo in action, moments before he correctly “air-read” which coin had been touched by a stunned Harriet Gonad. Notice how he appears to be in communication with ethereal spirits far off in the distant ecto-mist. We understand the mighty psychic might be lured back into action at next week’s Punk Rock Curry Club “if the vibe is right” and, more crucially, if there’s a few bob in it...
Record Noos: Texas Ska-punks the Holophonics have recorded Ska versions of ‘Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas’ and ‘You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch’ which you can download – if you like... The Swingin' Utters’ comp Drowning In The Sea, Rising With The Sun has been re-issued as a two LP vinyl set by Fat Wreck Chords, featuring 33 of their best ditties. Vinyl version includes digital download... Pirates Press have released The Old Firm Casuals’ blinding 2011 album For The Love Of It All as a two LP set. Vinyl comes with digital download... and in tour noos, the Dropkicks and Agnostic Front are on the road together in the US in February and March.
ARISTO Noos: a furious Lord Waistrel has banned this blog from writing “another bally word” about the GBX project until he gives us the go-ahead. Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkled retainer, tells us: ’Is Lordship his very angry. ’E wants no more puerile conjecture, rumour spreading and excitable gossip about it. Hit’s unnecessary, ’e says and hit might even prove counter-productive.” Last night an angry Fat Col slammed the “draconian” ban, saying “Puerile conjecture, rumour spreading and excitable gossip is the life-blood of this blog. If you ban them you might as well ban fictional characters from here and then where would we be?” Here, here.
Dec 9. Exciting times at Nads HQ, where Gal and Clyde’s latest song ‘Federales’ was yesterday rated “the greatest thing they’ve written since ‘Oi Mate’ in 2006” by a passing music critic. But controversially the full-on punk number is being held back for the GBX album along with ‘Neville Staple’ and several other freakishly strong songs. In an extraordinary and completely unforeseen development, the pair were approached last week by agents of Simon Cowell after an MP3 of the insanely catchy Ska-pop anthem ‘Shona & The Alien’ was leaked to record companies by persons unknown (Martin Sporrell, aggressive gooner). Gal’s PA Fit Bird last night dismissed Syco’s interest as “insulting an’ fackin’ ludicrous”, adding “Who the fuck do they think we are?” She went on: “Yeah Cowell is interested but we ain’t, we ain’t sell-outs. If we signed with a label it’d have to be Hellcat or Burning Heart, someone with street-cred, know what I mean?” (Someone who actually accounts for sales would be a bonus – Ed). Fit Bird also reproached this blog for likening the GBX project to a continuation of the Old Boots album. “It’s a lot richer than that,” she scolded. “Imagine a thoroughly modern stew of Jimmy Cliff, The Interrupters, Ian Dury and Rancid and you’d be closer to the feel. Forget all the also-rans, has-beens and sulky prima donnas living in the past, GBX are the only game in town.” Blimey.
Here is another memento of last month’s West Coast jaunt, the brilliant poster for Gonzo’s birthday bash in Pomona.
Dec 8. Our plans to bring you detailed plans for our activities next year have been completely nobbled after Miss Management lost her many pages of notes somewhere between Bexley Village and Croydon on Tuesday night (Fat Col reckons she should be “disciplined” for this carelessness, to which we say: “You can try it if you like, mate, we’re too scared.”) Consequently we can’t bring you a comprehensive breakdown of our strategy, you’ll have to make do with the headlines: 1) The Gonads will be concentrating on European gigs at the start of 2018 with co-headlining dates with Infa Riot in Germany pencilled in for April. There are no current plans to play in England next year. 2) There are no new releases in the pipeline either. We have enough songs to record Greater Hits Volume 4, but no immediate plans to do so. 3) Instead Gal and Clyde are concentrating their writing and recording efforts around the debut GBX album which is described as “close in spirit to the Old Boots album”; at least six new songs have already been written and/or demoed for this including ‘Full English’ and ‘Shona & The Alien’. 4) Plans for a second book of Gonads lyrics have been put back until next Christmas due to “pressure of opening hours”. 5) The DMG side-project is currently on hold pending a record label deal. More news when we have it. Cheers.
A message arrives from Terence Hayes, PM, who rings from a wind-swept, rain-splattered beach in Southend-on-Sea to deny “absolutely” the accusation that the Pranksters and their affiliates are “Trump-loving”. With seagulls squawking around his ears, the great man notes: “We are an apolitical brotherhood, we do not have a political message or engage in political campaigning. And that is the end of the matter.” Quite so. Instead of troubling themselves with such trivial matters, Pranksters are advised to be on stand-by for the annual Festivus, the highly classified details of which will be issued by your Tylers once senior brethren have decided on a time and place. Code name Operation Goose. Status: imminent.
Record noos: The Last Gang release their new 7-incher ‘Sing For Your Supper’ via Fat Wreck Chords today...Donkey Dom and the East End Badoes are both in the studio next month recording albums...and the Dolly Rots have recorded a cover of Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ which is now available for download.
Dec 7. Huge thanks to our US buddy Mikie from California’s own Bad Ass (pictured with Gal, Clyde and his wife Yelen Helen) who has put together this comprehensive but occasionally surprising compilation of his favourite Nads tracks – and the albums they are from – in what he calls “the ultimate Gonads comp”:
1) Pogo Till I Die (Schiz-Oi!-Phrenia). 2) Noise Bastards (Glorious Bastards). 3) Lotto (Greater Hits Volume 2: The Mutt’s Nuts). 4) Oi! Mate (Old Boots No Panties). 5) Oblivion (Built For Destruction). 6) These Ore Our Streets (Greater Hits Vol 2: The Mutt’s Nuts). 7) Skinhead Girl (Greater Hits Volume 2: The Mutt’s Nuts, Bonus 7”). 8) She Can’t Whip Me (The Revenge Of The Gonads). 9) Fucked If I Do (Schiz-Oi!-Phrenia). 10) S.E.7 Dole Day (The Oi! of Sex). 11 Oi! Nutter (7” single). 12) Valhallaballoo (American Gonads). 13) Back And Barking (Oi! Back And Barking). 14) South London Aggro Girl (Live Free Die Free). 15) Hey You (Greater Hits Volume 1: Plums). 16) British Steel (Greater Hits Vol 1: Plums, bonus 7”ep). 17) I Lost My Love To A UK Sub (The Greatest Punk Album Of All Time). 18) The Greatest Cockney Christmas (Cashing In On Christmas Vol.4). 19) Go Motherfucker (Oi! This Is Streetpunk: Vol 3). 20 Getting Pissed (Oi! Oi! That's Yer Lot). 21) Jobs Not Jails (South London 5 Hull 4 (Full Time Result)). 22) Hitler Was An Omo (Schiz-Oi-Phrenia). 23) Punk Rock Will Never Die (The Punk Generation [Disc 1]). 24. Punk Rock Till I Die (30 Years of Oi!: Never Surrender). 25) Lotto again (“to double your chance of winning”). Mikie also suggests two Bad Ass songs would fit in this illustrious company: Crooked (from Raise Your Hoof) and Tuna Taco (from Assault & Battery). Tell us what you think chaps!
For his part, Gonads archivist Fat Col has compiled his own Top Ten of “under-rated Gonads songs & numbers not currently in the set”. It consists of: 1) Valhallaballoo. 2) Reinfected. 3) Beer Can 4) Fat Cat Splat. 5) England’s Glory. 6) Sandra Bigg (Really Big). 7) Attack Of The Zombie Skinheads. 8) Hey You. 9) Line In The Sand. 10). Rob A Bank. (Wot? No Infected? – Ed). Col also requests that we record 1970s original numbers ‘Whelks’ and ‘Antigalligan Last Bell’ “should you lazy bastards ever get round to putting Greater Hits Volume 4 together”, along with ‘Fire Down Under’ (which was written by Gal, arranged by Steve Kent and stolen by The Business), ‘Willing To Kill’ (by Gal & JJ Bedsore, R.I.P.) and ‘Eat The Rich’. Tune back tomorrow for next year’s big Nads plans.
Dec 6. A small party of Gonads, friends and scholars threw a Christmas party in Bexley Village last night, culminating in the Maharajah curry-house. Our pictures show Gal Gonad with H, Wattsie and Miss Management, and Paul Skanad & Phil McDonut sandwiching Nads loyalist Jo.
Some band business was discussed – we’re expecting detailed minutes from Miss Management in triplicate later today – and incredibly Wattsie DIDN’T kick off about the US dates or Sandie West. How so, you ask? Well it appears she was distracted when Gal revealed his alter ego as “psychic magician” The Great Profundo and baffled her with amazing mental feats involving coins, telepathy and “air-reading”. Shocked eye-witness Fat Col reveals: “Wattsie blindfolded him, yet he could still perform” (Insert your own jokes here – Ed). “It was the most creative coin trick I have seen since Lee Wilson made £10 disappear from his hand back into his pocket at the bar of the 100 Club. Wattsie was so impressed she barely mentioned America at all.” Mercifully the psychic sideshow stopped before the Great Profundo got around to showing any of them the Trick of the Disappearing Knockwurst.
Dec 5. Spot the murderer! Here are pictures of London gangster Freddie ‘Brown Bread Fred’ Foreman, far right in the first shot, and our former drummer Jim “The Piddler” Piddington... separated at birth or what? One a notorious underworld hit-man, the other a fat bloke with a dubious approach to merchandise accounting... only one of them played a part in the brutal gangland execution of Wattsie’s former father-in-law Tommy “Ginger” Marks.
OUT NOW: Italian Oi band Clear Cut’s exciting new 7-inch single ‘Kids Are Innocent’ – a song that shows them to be (and we quote the press release) “one of the most exciting new bands in the current global resurgence of Oi! music.”... also just out on vinyl, Knock Off’s third album Like A Kick In The Head... and ALL three albums from Lars Frederiksen & The Bastards, courtesy of Pirates Press...
Dec 4. Here is the latest evidence offered by Wattsie Watts and her team – two pictures that allegedly prove the great Gonads California trek was “rife with unacceptable shenanigans”. But the photos were laughed off by a smirking Fat Col who said “These soppy snaps prove nothing. One simply shows the delightful Astrid Von Hinten demonstrating her skiing skills, the other shows Sandie West (tyrannical film director and sadist) brandishing the substitute stage cock which was rejected after just one stage performance.” He went on: “Quite what she has in her other hand remains a mystery but judging by the look on Jay The Tripod’s face it must be painful.”
The amazing Astrid in après-ski mode
The Gonads USA + Leanne and Dylan from Shiragirl & dictatorial director Sandie West
Things aren’t going all Wattsie’s way however, as she has been denounced by two of her most radical supporters – Sid & Doris Spart – for “watering down” her calls for a public inquiry into the US tour. The ageing juveniles, both fervent Momentum members, ask: “Why did Comrade Wattsie not also call for an investigation into the sinister activities of the Trump-loving Jolly Pranksters? We have seen the evidence of satanic practices – this must be fully exposed and stamped out.” According to Brother Sid, Wattsie has been “got at” by Terence Hayes, PM, and pressured into going easy on the mysterious brotherhood. No Prankster, senior or junior, was prepared to comment on this matter.
The Punk Rock Curry Club Xmas bash is mere days away. We won’t reveal which high-flying member turned down their invitation on the grounds that the night “clashed with the Coutts bank Christmas party” if they transfer one ton immediately into our lowly Co-Op bank account. The clock is ticking, fella.
Dec 3. Yesterday’s results in full: Sham 69, Loaded 44. Blink 182, Stomper 98. Resistance 77, Haircut 100. Dave Clark 5, UB40. Sum 41, Section 5. Grade 2, Fun Boy 3. Cowdenbeath vs Stenhousemuir – postponed.
Dec 2. The fragrant Wattsie Watts is now calling for “a thorough and far-reaching public inquiry” into what she calls “the ramifications and unexplained mysteries of the US tour.” The aggrieved chanteuse claims that our recent West Coast dates – widely viewed as a mega-success – have “called the very existence of the Gonads into question”. She specifically demands that Lord Waistrel funds the “open and transparent” inquiry to establish 1) Why the tour dates went ahead without her 2) What was the real motivation of self-styled promoter Sandie West. 3) What exactly are West’s qualifications as an alleged film-maker 4) Where all the gig and merch money went 5) Who rifled Gal’s suitcase 6) Were the Federales involved at any stage and 7) Who is to blame for the sleeping arrangements that left Gal half-crippled? “This should be grounds for a law suit,” she fumes. Wattsie further calls for “clarification” as to why Jay The Tripod became known as the Cock-Blocker and why Clyde was renamed The Golden Shot. “Whose cock did Jay block and under what circumstances?” she fumes. “That's what I want to know. We need to see a plaster cast of it as evidence. And what is all this depraved goblet nonsense? The band’s good name could be at stake.” She insists that eye-witnesses such as Licky Lisa, Astrid Von Hinten, Mikie from Bad Ass, Gonzo and Diana Bird should be legally compelled to take the witness stand. Her final demand is for a cast-iron assurance that no more foreign trips take place without her. A spokesman for Lord Wastrel, Colin Gannon (for it is he) tells us: “His Lordship sympathises with Wattsie's concerns but feels unable to fund any grandiose inquiry. He feels hurt that our most successful foreign excursion since 1998 should be subject to this kind of malignant nit-picking. To be honest the whole thing is starting to get on his ancient, aristocratic tits.” Will Wastrel give Wattsie the assurance she wants, we ask? “He’d like to,” says Col. “But unfortunately that would bugger up Vegas in May, Mexico, Brazil and the East Coast mini-tour. Oh what a give-away...”
DEC 1. Noos: North West Calling is back in Manc on 30th June; confirmed bands for the all-dayer include Sham 69, The Adicts, the Angelic Upstarts, GBH, Ruts DC, Dirt Box Disco, Wonk Unit, Slaughter 2, Duncan Reid & The Big Heads, In Evil Hour & Heavy Drapes... Clyde Ward has demoed his and Gal’s brilliant brand spanking new Ska-Pop song ‘Shona & The Alien’, which is likely to be a track on the debut GBX album... And we are recording new Gonads track ‘Neville Staple’ for a compilation album released next year with the W/T Love Oi, Hate Racism. (Nev himself plays the Coventry Empire tonight for the Lord Mayor’s Charity Appeal; Jerry Dammers is DJing)...Tickets are now on sale for next year’s Madness House of Fun Butlin’s weekender at Minehead here.
Radical Noos: Boston punks Rebuilder have launched are raising cash for MALDEF, the Mexican-American Legal Defence & Education Fund, via a limited-run merch campaign. Last year, the band released a fundraising EP for the same cause, including a nifty cover of Elvis Costello’s ‘Radio, Radio’... Left-wing Texas punks MDC have released their first full-length album since 2004, it’s called Mein Trumpf... Louise Distras is back at work on her crowd-funded second album now that her smash hit tour with Itch from the King Blues has finished...
