Some quick news of a Moddish bent: a musical based on the early life of Ray Davies and the Kinks’ early years opens at London’s Hampstead Theatre next year. Called Sunny Afternoon it’s written by Joe Penhall but has yet to be cast. The play originally premiered at the Theatre Royal in Stratford, East London five years ago but talk of a tour fizzled out. Ray has also been talking to his brother Dave about a possible Kinks reunion involving new recordings... The New Untouchables have announced the line-up for next Easter’s Modstock, a four day festival celebrating 50 Years of Mod – that’s 50 years from it becoming a mass teenage phenomenon rather than the cult’s birth. Reflecting the global nature of modern Mod, the event will include live performance from: the MOTOWN REVUE WITH BRENDA HOLLOWAY & VELVELETTES, a MODSTOCK REVUE ftng FASHION SHOW/FILM & LIVE MUSIC WITH VERY SPECIAL BRITISH LEGENDS, SECRET AFFAIR, LES CAPPUCCINO (Japan), THE APEMEN (Germany), STONE FOUNDATION and THE MERGERS (Germany). The fest starts on Thursday 17th April, ending on Sunday 20th at @ 229 The Venue, 229 Great Portland Street, London W1W 5PN (Opposite Gt Portland St tube) and will also include all-nighters with three dance floors and an International DJ line-up, Guest Club nights, a riverboat party, a record fair/vintage market, a Scooter Comp + Run, Eye Candy Visuals and they add “maximum fun!” Various ticket options are available and can be found here... A photo exhibition celebrating fifty years of The Who will run at the Proud Gallery in Camden between February and March next year featuring the brilliant pictures of East End boy done good Colin Jones

Dec 14. Our shop page is currently the only place you can buy the handsome 12” inch vinyl version of ‘Ska For Heroes’ by Buster’s Ska Battalion. The title track is a medley of songs from The Somme picked and performed by Buster and given a Ska arrangement by P45’s Rob Sigston. It includes a rousing guest appearance by opera sensation Benjamin Bevan on Rule Britannia. The download ep also included ‘Cheeky Chappy’ by The Gonads vs The Coverup featuring Liberty Hayes and our ‘Long Ska Summer’ with the vocals supplied by Jennie Matthias (Bellestars, 1-Stop Experience) and P45’s Jack Kendall. The vinyl version also includes Resistance 77’s Help For Heroes song ‘Far Away’ with Liberty guesting on vocals. All profits from the sales will be split between charities working for former British servicemen - the Chelsea Pensioners, the Erksine Hospital and Help For Heroes. It costs £10 plus £4.99 postage and packaging.

lso now in stock the great DMG/Maninblack Doctor Who tribute ‘Doctor Punk’ ep on Tardis Blue vinyl…

Dec 13. It’s Friday the 13th – you know what that means? That’s right – absolutely fuck all! But it is the Bridgehouse reunion today, so casual shoppers are advisers to steer clear of the Covent Garden area which may witness unseemly outbursts of ‘Bubbles’ not to mention drunken cries of “Freedom? There ain’t no fuckin’ freedom!”

STOPPRESS: Big Gonads love to our good buddy Garry Johnson currently recovering from major heart surgery.

News update: the Cockney Rejects are planning two back to roots gigs in Canning Town next March, one of them will feature The Wild Ones played live in its entirety for the first time and will include the legend that is Vince ‘Vinnie’ Riordan on bass and Tony Van Frater on rhythm guitar.

Just reissued on vinyl: the Cro-Mags’ classic NYHC masterpiece The Age Of Quarrel on Brass City Boss Sounds. Dec 12. Hark at Max Splodge’s great new Christmas song, ‘You’ve Got To Have A Dream’.

Important note: the Church of Oi page on Facebook has nothing whatsoever to do with the actual Church of Oi.

ec 11. It’s 11/12/13 today! You know what this means? Absolutely fuck all...

Okay chaps, Sheila Rock’s book PUNK+ is out now. A luxury, limited edition book which features her best unpublished images from 1975-80, including The Clash, Siouxsie & The Banshees, Subway Sect, X Ray Spex, Chelsea/Gen X and many more. Standard copies, priced at £49, are limited to 1700; there are 300 of the £99 deluxe edition – available from here. £99 for a book? Very punk.

Two more acts have signed up for the Firefighters’ Benefit gig in memory of Joe Strummer on 21st December. The latest bands to join the party at London’s Coronet Theatre are East London folk-punk collective Steve White & The Protest Family, and notorious new wave pranksters Spizzenergi, who will almost certainly be buying drinks for everyone (Are you sure? – Ed). Glen Matlock, Louise Distras, The Bermondsey Joyriders and Taurus Trakker make up the bill.

The New Untouchables are holding their annual Nutty New Year Ball at London’s 229 The Venue. THE BEATROOTS will conduct ‘midnight mass celebrations’ and a team of DJs will provide Northern Soul in the ballroom, authentic R&B in room two and psychedelic sounds from the underground in the beat basement. Venue: 229 Great Portland Street, London W1W 5PN. Doors 9pm-6am. All night bar. Great Portland Street underground station is right opposite and Warren St, Regents Park and Oxford Circus all 5 minutes walk There is free transport on London’s bus, tube and trains on New Year’s Eve. Tickets are £17.50 (inc booking fee) in advance or £22 on the door. Tickets here.

The Oi Organising Committee has welcomed the government’s new dementia initiative. Said a spokesman: “We attempted to form links with dementia charities some time ago, and commissioned the PM to set up meetings. When we asked later how the project was going, he replied: ‘Eh? What’s that? Half past two.’”

Dec 10. Fit Bird last night refused to confirm or deny the claims that Gal, like Susan Boyle has been diagnosed with Aspergers, a high-functioning form of autism. His PA said simply “They both dreamed a dream, didn’t they, but I don’t think they ’ad the same ending, and Susan’s one didn’t involve a trough of madras and Denise Van Outen desperate for a bang. Just the trough of madras.” A doctor writers: “People with Aspergers have a limited range of imaginative activities and are prone to pursuing things rigidly and repeatedly. For example, a rather pointless, time-wasting and occasionally irritating internet blog.” Gulp.

Internet nitwits have been slagging off the UK Subs for playing a gig with Pressure 28. Apparently they’re fascists now. Oh shut the fuck up! Firstly we doubt that Charlie even knew who was on the bill – that would be entirely down to the promoter. Secondly, the idea that a solidly leftwing band like the Subs must be “rightwing” because of who opened for them one night is beyond bonkers. How rightwing are P28 anyway? The 28 in their name refers to scooter tyre pressure, not a demented political sect. We all hate Nazis, but aren’t you just a little bit sick and tired of scaremongering zealots fermenting chaos, spreading shit and slandering people? Especially someone as genuine as Charlie Harper.

New from the left-hand side of the street: Rise Up, the third album from Italian Ska-core band NH3... and ’Lickshots’ the first album from German-based Rude & The Lickshots. (Mad Butcher)

Dec 7. These are strange days, perhaps the end of days. Waistrel has gone rogue, Gal’s gone missing and South Coast Steve has gone gaga (so no change there). The year is drawing to a close, with all the cataclysmic changes that will bring, so we’re winding down for a bit now. And when better to reveal the results of our big poll? A few months back we asked you to pick your all-time favourite Gonads songs. All your votes are now in, thanks, and we’re able to announce your definitive Top Ten Gonads numbers. Here they are, with (heavily edited) notes by our resident armchair archivist Colin Gannon:

1) Oi Mate – proof that the Nads can turn their hands to ballsy backstreet pop when they feel like it. The original Ska version from Old Boots, No Panties is the top of your list, and mine. Writers: Bushell/Ward.

2) Gob – maybe a surprising result, but this relentlessly angry punk anthem is awesomely hard-hitting with incendiary lyrics. This is streetpunk with an iron fist. The toughest take is on Greater Hits Volume 1, the first is on Back & Barking. Writers: Bushell/Ward.

3) SE7 Dole Day – pop-punk choon that’s catchier than an STD in a Mumbai brothel; this song is so good that those no good bums the Monkees used their time machine to nick the melody. Bastards! (Greater Hits Vol 1). Writers: The Gonads, obviously! Goffin and King eat ya hearts out!

4) Valhallaballoo – Pistols reminiscent guitar chords, a mighty singalong chorus and ‘live free, die free’ lyrics that say it all. Plus there’s a mention of JJ from The Blood, which can only be a good thing. Written by Gal, this defiant statement of intent surfaced on Live Free Die Free.

5) Jobs Not Jails – a political manifesto from the protest end of Oi, as we get stuck into youth unemployment. The lyrics are still relevant today. The original features Hoxton Tom on backing vocals and can be found on the increasingly rare Punk Rock Will Never Die. Writers: Bushell/Kent

6) Alconaut – another lairy crowd-pleasing anthem; originally written by JJ and The Cardinal, our version was arranged and extended by Gal and Clyde with Mick Geggus providing the new ending. There are three different versions of this, the first is on Back & Barking. Writers: Cantwell/Smith

7) British Steel – a song about patriotism and the British Army, with a chorus that hooks straight into your frontal lobe. One to listen to when you think of Lee Rigby, R.I.P.. Writers: Bushell/Ward.

8) Hey You – if Oi did stadium rock it’d sound like this: a tasty tale of police oppression from Old Boots which Gal calls “pulp fiction set to music”. Writers: Bushell/Ward. 9) I Lost My Love To A UK Sub – the most memorable of the original Gonads releases, it’s basic rock’n’roll with “very true” lyrics about Charlie Harper’s libido, and Steve Roberts stealing Janice Gussett from us. The cad! The original recording, on Punk Rock Will Never Die, is best although the orgasmic sighs on the later version sound more believable. Writers: Bushell/Kent.

10) Infected – utter filth, which is why we like it. Find it on Old Boots. PS. Yes it does look infected to me, so put it away you dirty bastard. Writers: Bushell/Ward. Adds Col: “I am gutted that ‘Charlton Boys’ and ‘Unky Bunk’ didn’t make the Top Ten, but I’ll tell you what, give it a few years and ‘Glorious’ and ‘Dogging In Dartford’ will definitely be in a list like this.” Maybe so. They work for us. See you in a bit!

Dec 6: Tonight, tonight, won’t be like any night...

Dec 5. Our ex-guitarist Tony Feedback has announced that he is planning a rival version of the Gonads with himself replacing Gal on vocals and his transvestite alter-ego Sharron ‘Shazza’ Stiletto replacing Wattsie Watts. A ridiculous idea, for a start in ‘Badly Done’ and ‘Infected’ this means he’d be having a conversation with himself - and that’s South Coast Steve’s job. Mr Feedback has form for this kind of slippery activity. He is currently part of the sham-Sham line-up conning audiences all over Europe. Says an angry Martin Sporrell (aggressive Gooner): “This sham-Sham lot reckon they can get away with it because their drummer drummed with Pursey and Parsons before they’d released their first record. It’s a bit like Tony teaming up with Pete Best and going out as the Beatles and I wouldn’t put that past him.” Exactly. Anyway Waistrel got the hump and sent a couple of the boys to reason with him and/or nail his head to the floor, and Tone immediately fled the country with his make-up only half-done. (The last ‘boys’ Waistrel sent after anyone were Doug ‘Crusher’ Paisley and a geezer called Kierkegaard who likes to relax by biting the heads off of whippets.) A source tells us: “His Lordship is getting nasty and vengeful in his old age, he keeps saying ‘He who has the hardest fist is remembered longest’. It ain’t pretty.” We on the other hand love Tony and would welcome Shazza back as part of the planned Gay-Nads spin-off whenever she likes.

What’s this? We asked one of our correspondents to review the upcoming Glen Matlock/Louise Distras show and he replied that he would volunteer but was off up North with his girlfriend, adding “I don’t think much of the BJs”. This seemed an unnecessarily revealing comment on his love life until we figured out he meant the Bermondsey Joyriders...

Randale Records have released the new Fatskins album, A Young Man’s Game, they say: “After ten years they are back with six new and very cool songs released on a CD or on Vinyl.” Ten years to write six songs? The lazy fat bastards.

We’re delighted to hear from Waistrel’s old chum, crown bowls enthusiast the Reverend Laurence. Glad to know you’re still alive old chap. Curry Club??

Dec 4: Ex Pistol Glen Matlock, Louise Distras, the Bermondsey Joyriders and the tasty Taurus Trakker play a Joe Strummer Memorial show at South London’s Coronet Theatre on 21st December. The gig will be a benefit for fire-fighters who are taking industrial action against slippery changes to their employment conditions and pension rights. There will be DJ sets from Dreadzone and Ray ‘Rude Boy’ Gange too. The Firefighters Benefit in memory of Joe Strummer is at The Coronet Theatre, 28 New Kent Road, SE1 6TJ. Tickets - £8 advance from here.

In the meantime, on Friday 13th the mighty FRIENDS OF LUCA BRASI play the Diogenes Club with young SE London Mods, Manor Place, Woking’s new finest The Brompton Mix and ‘minimum R&B’ purveyors The Fallen Leaves... The Gonads: bringing you the news the gutter press can’t be arsed with... so we won’t bother adding that Blink 182 headline Reading and Leeds next year.

Dec 3. Oi, calling all Glory Boys. Gal’s chat with Secret Affair’s Ian Page and Dave Cairns is up on line here. In the meantime, heeeeere’s SkaMouth 2014:

Dec 2 STOPPRESS, R.I.P. Junior Murvin. The legendary Jamaican reggae star, best known for the brilliant Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry-produced ‘Police & Thieves’ died peacefully at his home at Summers Town Road in Port Antonio early this morning. Murvin - real name, Murvin Junior Smith, was born in Saint James, JA, in 1949. His haunting falsetto made ‘Police & Thieves’ one of the defining hits of 1976. Subsequent successes included ‘Miss Kushie’, ‘Cool Out Son’, ‘Bad Man Posse’ and ‘Muggers in the Street’. At the time of his death, Junior Murvin was reportedly suffering from an advanced stage of diabetes.

Dec 2. Plans are afoot for a charity night in memory of Mark Rough for his charity, Kick Cancer In The Balls. It will be held in the North East early next year and already has the support of Tony Van Frater, Mensi, Steve ‘Cast Iron’ Smith from Red Alert, and of course us. More details tba.

Please note: The Gonads are available for benefit gigs throughout 2014. We are up for playing for any of the good, genuine working class causes as defined by the original Oi Organising Committee in 1981: that is, gigs for anti-unemployment protesters, pro-NHS campaigners, strike benefits, pro workers’ co-operatives, Oi Against Racism etc. And we’ll add anti-globalisation, and anti-tuition fees to that list. AnarchOi-Syndicalists rule. Just don’t tell Waistrel...

Random goss: Buster Shuffle are recording a new album... Lion’s Law’s dynamite debut album is available for pre-order now from the Contra Records site... and if you haven’t heard modern Italian glam rockers Giuda yet, check em out here. Their digital album Let’s Do It Again came out a fortnight ago

This is Ruby Déshabillé. She’s doing something amazing on May 23rd next year. When we find out what, we’ll run another picture... The Gonads: always happy to help.

Dec 1. R.I.P. Mark Rough the socialist skinhead turned bloody good stand-up comedian. Mark, formerly of NE punk band The Fauves, passed away on Wednesday. Known as The Mackem Motormouth, he was a rising star on the comedy circuit, loved Oi and always had time for younger comics. His spirit is probably haunting a Ben Sherman shop even as we speak. Our condolences to his nearest and dearest. Mark’s funeral will be in Leeds. Details tba.

Roughy in happier times

Krauts Out? We hear disturbing rumours that Lord Waistrel has fallen out with several German promoters, stoking fears that our planned 2014 Deutschland gigs – in Berlin, Lower Saxony and Baden-Württemberg may not now happen. The band are gutted but Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkled retainer, says simply: “The Bosch made promises that they ’ave hunaccountably failed to keep. At the moment the gigs hain’t ’appening.” Poor show. Says Gal: “When they are ready to talk sensibly they know where we are.”

For those who were asking, we now have a few more vinyl copies of the Charlton Boys e.p. in stock. Just FOUR though, so order on the hurry up to be sure of getting hold of one. You lucky people!

Viva Gypo Hales!

The Jolly Pranksters have adopted a new beer, British Bulldog bitter, as their official tipple for ‘the festive board’. Senior official Effete El tells us: “We would like to thank Chelsea Dom for bringing this superior manly beer to our attention. Even though he is not a member, Dominic has done us a great service.” So mote it be. British Bulldog is produced by the Westerham brewery and is described by leading expert Roger Protz as having “massive aroma and palate of jammy fruit, biscuit malt and bitter hop resins.” All possible jammy fruit gags have been deleted by the taste police. It’s not all good news from the mysterious brotherhood, however. We hear that Pranksters in Kent have caused chaos by voting to ignore the “dictatorial” smoking ban (Only six years too late – Ed). Thirty brethren – members of the militant Mid-Kent lodge - lit up en masse during a very recent ‘Ska and Oompah Oi’ night at a Medway pub – and now John the publican has been grassed up to the Old Bill. But says burly inner guard Bob ‘Bolshie Bob’ Corvus: “The Brethren have no regrets. We were at a private party in a hired room and were exercising the Englishman’s traditional freedom to do what the hell he likes without interference from the neo-fascist Euro-State and Cameron’s Coalition of Clowns.” With a tear in his one good eye, Bolshie Bob spoke movingly of “clouds of glory” engulfing the dance floor, adding poetically that the function room ceiling has already started to go “as yellow as Kathy Beale’s pubes.” (So brown then? – Confused Ed). Visiting official the PM (for it was he) reveals that the mass ‘Light Up’ was apparently signalled by the DJ playing our own smokers’ rights anthem ‘Oily Rag’ (the Greater Hits Vol II extended version). A “soppy” passing Gills fan has been blamed for the subsequent arrival of the constabulary. However we have been asked not to reveal the name or exact location of the pub in question as IPM Martin Sporrell says he’s “bunged the filth and it’s all gonna go away.” Naturally we have no idea what this means. To order brethren!

Okay, this is for all you bands out there: do any of you cook? Or is there a dish that sums up your band and attitude? Alex Lane is putting together a Punk Rock Cook Book and wants to include band recipes – a percentage of each sale will go to an as yet unannounced good cause.