Aug 31. To Desert Oi-Land and if that hammock’s a-rucking, you’d better start ducking because it’s the turn of Jeff ‘Stinky’ Turner of the Cockney Rejects to give us his favourites.

Jeff’s film is The Godfather. TV show: The Sweeney. Book: Four Kings by George Kimball (“The story of the rivalry between Hagler, Duran, Leonard and Hearns”) We’re just off to the USA with the Rejects for 2000 Tons Of TNT, as if the East Coast hasn’t suffered enough. Before going, Gal appealed to the facebook faithful to help us put together decent dates in the UK and Europe – and we’ve already been inundated with requests to play everywhere from Dundee to Northern France via Blackpool, Darlington, Southend and more! Thank you.

We’re pleased to report that all our mates in NYC – fans and errant band members alike – survived Hurricane Irene, although we hear that André Schlesinger is staying holed up in his Manhattan garret with ten thousand cans of beans and a lorry-load of vodka for a month or two just in case. According to Big Gerard, Irene was the biggest disaster to hit the Big Apple since Spiderman The Musical...

Aug 27. He’s here at last, Mighty Mick Maverick - the Gonad described by Kiria as The Man She Couldn’t Bang – to restore some red-blooded machismo to Desert Oi-land. The burly bass ace was forged in metal with a cast iron spine and a punk rock heart.

Separated at birth: Dave ‘Lights’ Beazley, (the loveable loon who devised Iron Maiden's original Eddie) and... Neanderthal Man. One a primitive creature way past the ‘endangered’ stage, the other a long-gone prehistoric species of human (scientific name: Fattus Collus Extinctus)

The wonderful Wonk Unit play The Black Heart in Camden on 9th October with The Murderburgers, DeeCracks from Austria, Emergency and Bitter. It’s an afternoon gig (2pm – 7pm) because the lads assure us they are determined to take advantage of the hordes of female Italian tourists who “roam Camden at the weekend looking for English cock.” In an related story, we’re just popping up to Camden market...

And talking cock there has been more fall-out from Kunt & The Gang’s horrendous ‘hampton’ scandal at the Edinburgh Fringe (see earlier blog entries). Free-thinking comics immediately rallied to support K&TG. Stewart Lee and Robin Ince offered to set up a Cock Aid benefit gig to help cover Kunt’s legal costs. Comedians Al Murray, Russell Kane, Dirty Rob and Omid Djalili were quick to send their support too. But rather than rise to the occasion like a proper cock, Kunt turned on his mate, bonkers comic Bob Slayer (who was the driving force behind the cock stunt), and sacked him! What an ungrateful bastard. We always liked K&TG. They played our launch party for Live Free Die Free at BH2 a couple of years ago, but perhaps Fat Col has called this one correctly. Maybe it is a case of Kunt by name, kunt by nature.

Sticking in Jockland, Tony Boozy Barker’s committee meeting for the Scottish Skinhead Reunion will take place “on Sunday October 2nd, 3pm at Sleazy’s” (No, I don’t know either – Ed) to work out all aspects of this event which is currently no more than a pie-in-the-Isle-of-Skye rumour. Bring your own tatties. So far Runnin’ Riot have offered to play. And the East End Badoes have promised not to. We are on stand-by in Brutus shirts and pork-pie hats, but you’d have to pay us, Tone. In English poonds. We dinna play fer haggis, ken? Sairy. (But fandan, nae problem.) Get ti fuk, yi baw bag. Up the Gers!

More rumours: we hear that Phil Daniels has recorded a “punky” Chelsea single. The shame, the shame... we also hear than Sharron Stiletto gets chatted up by lesbians every time she goes out. The mind and no doubt the minge boggles.

Caption Corner: Mick, Gal and Jase on stage at the 12 Bar: WTF is that about? Send your captions to waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk; the funniest wins a copy of the new Charlton Boys ep. Waistrel’s decision is final.

Out next week: The first solo release from Gregory Attonito, of the excellent Bouncing Souls. ‘Natural Disaster’ is a 10inch on coloured vinyl on the Chunksaah label. Off next week: US to the USA! Brace yourself on the East Coast. We’re like Hurricane Irene with Marshall amps.

Reminder: it’s the Skinhead invasion of the Isle of Wight next weekend. Three nights of original reggae, Ska and rocksteady at the Town Club, 25 Star St, Ryde, starting Friday, “from eight till late...”

August 22. We recorded the 'Charlton Boys' ep yesterday - and it's sounding stronger than the Hulk on steroids. Charlton Boys Chris, Jel and Frazzle turned up to supply backing vocals under the firm direction of Allyson Maverick, and our new manager Wattsie Watts put in a sparkling appearance with her enforcer the lovely H. But who were those nutty boys in fez hats and is Dalston Del really "the new Turkish Frankenskin"? These are the questions. Next week, more questions...

What we do know is that the five track ep features 'Backstreet Army', 'Indestructible Wolves', 'Charlton Warrior', 'Charlton Boys' and 'Valley Floyd Road' and should be released in October. As always, there were a few last minute studio game changes.

'Valley Floyd Road' is no longer Ska, it's now more like demented rockabilly. Gal describes it as "absolutely the worst thing to happen to Paul McCartney since Heather Mills." Brickwall punk anthem 'Backstreet Army' is the best of the new songs, according to a panel of experts. But Wattsie raved about the awesome terrace anthem 'Charlton Warriors', while 'Indestructible Wolves' combines power, punch and melody. The 'Charlton Boys' ep is dedicated to the memory of Valley stalwart Chris Slattery, R.I.P. And also to Big Duncan Frame, Gill Gale, Rocky, JJ and Banjo Vic: gone but never forgotten.

South Coast Steve and Mick Maverick share a moment of ‘skinhead love’ to celebrate the brilliance of our new ‘Charlton Boys’ ep.
An ashen-faced Pat Collier averts his gaze.

La belle Wattsie and H turned up to give the PM a good hiding but he'd gone into hiding instead. She graciously took over the management reins due to "the multiple failings" of the previous Nads management team - although she quickly did a runner when asked to supply the band with a very basic champagne and chips supper, which may be a worrying sign. Unperturbed we celebrated with a slap-up curry, and started planning Greater Hits Volume Two: The Mutt's Nuts which will be recorded in December and must, we've decided, be even better than Volume One. This fourteen-track selection is certain to feature the superb new improved version of 'Sandra Bigg (Really Bigg)', populist punk street anthem 'England In My Blood' and the definitive re-boot of 'The Joys Of Oi' plus a bonus track: the original version of Beachcomber which has been unavailable for the best part of thirty-three years! It will be "the absolute bollocks!" Onwards to Professionalism!

FACT! Gal and Mick Maverick had an eight-strong police escort bringing the Charlton Boys master-tapes back to Nads HQ last night. Gal claims "the ep is so damn hot we needed back-up to get the masters back safely" but if anyone knows the real reason the Old Bill were hot on their trail please let us know. Meanwhile nothing should be said about Jase and South Coast Steve's fast-developing intense (and in tents) platonic relationship. Just don't be too surprised if we end up playing one of those 'men only' clubs in the near future...

Some great entries for yesterday's Cherry Caption Contest, including "Oi! The 'D' has fallen off my cap!", and "Madonna finally found a new tit for her cone bra." But the winning caption came from Batttttty: "Cherry, caught here on CCTV, might have got away with his looting spree if he'd worn his Fisher-Price 'My First Hoodie' a little further forward." Tune back mid-week for saucy sex-pot Sharron Stiletto's Desert Oi-Land Disc selection.

Aug 21. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s Pants-Man! Here is the lad himself, Terence Hayes, PM, proudly modelling his new stage-look: a pair of designer Spanx, the ‘tummy-tightening’ underwear designed to hold in and hide that budding beer belly. Apparently it’s all the rage down at Zampa Road, where by a handy coincidence the football is also largely pants. Still reeling from this shocking treachery, Tel has also come under a sustained attack from Ms Wattsie Watts who furiously denies his un-gentlemanly claims about her dress.

Wattsie fumes: “News flash for the PM, you are no Gok Wan, mate, more like Mr Flippin’ Magoo. For starters my dress in the Diggle picture is a different COLOUR and CUT and is three inches shorter than the one I’m wearing in the Garrie Lammin shot, which also has diagonal zips across the front!”  She goes on: “Terry Hayes commenting on fashion is like Amy Childs becoming a political correspondent or Fat Col giving sex tips when he’s clearly a virgin.” (“If only” – the soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Fat Col, Janette). Friends of the PM report that he has been “knocked sideways” by this double blow.

Said one: “Not only has Chelsea Dom gone rogue, but Wattsie and her twin sister Shona are gunning for him too. It looks like the PM is becoming a toxic brand. Still, no-one likes us and we don’t care. Know what I mean?” (No - Ed.)

Keeping a theme going, here is today’s Caption Corner candidate, a fine shot of the boy Cherry in party mood dahn the Bridge’arse. Email your captions to waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk for your chance to win a copy of the new Charlton Boys e.p. (This caption corner thing seems to have really taken off, driven largely by hatred and malicious envy. We love it)

Tony Boozy Barker and pals are thinking of holding a reunion do for Scottish Skinheads – a good old MacKnees-up (in the groin). They plan to meet up to discuss it before Toots & The Maytals’ Glasgow gig on Sept 1st. Tone asks us to pass this message on to “anyone north of the border who might be interested in helping or just putting ideas to us”. The first one to tell him to stop jocking about and get his arse back to Tilbury wins a famous Gonads no-prize.

Meanwhile up at the Edinburgh Festival, pathetique jokers Kunt and the Gang have profusely apologised to “anyone who is upset about the crudely-drawn cock stickers” that have been attached to posters all over that fair city. Says a contrite Kunt: “We thought they would be a light-hearted alternative to flyers. Unfortunately some comedians were extremely angry at seeing their posters adorned with an effigy of a male member. This culminated in myself being physically threatened by one irate comic who failed to see the funny side... Further to this, after only four nights of the audience being handed stickers at the end of my show, I received a warning from the Fringe Police and was told that Underbelly had threatened action should any more of my stickers be handed out. I suspect the cock that broke the camel's back was the penis that ended up in Christine Hamilton's wine glass on their flagship poster on Bristo Square.

The same night I received a visit at my venue from Edinburgh Council Environmental Department who told us that they had spent the day ‘pulling off over a hundred cocks’. They showed us examples of cocks they had found on posters, including the one of Russell Kane with his mouth open, the one of Richard Herring lying on a bed and the one of the Spank Comedy Club with that bird bending over. I gave them my assurance to that no more cock stickers would be given out. I would like to take this opportunity to say my cocks were not meant maliciously or designed to annoy anyone and I sincerely apologise if one of my cocks got up anyone's nose. Admittedly I didn't think it through properly. I mistakenly thought everyone would share my enthusiasm for seeing Edinburgh covered in crudely-drawn cocks for a month... I'm sorry if my cock cheesed anyone off.” (“What a prick” – Fat Col.)

Aug 20. To Desert Oi-Land where at last the prince of pranksters has perambulated into our tropical paradise. It’s only Max Splodge, whose choices are as eclectic, enigmatic, esoteric, eclamptic (Eh? – Fat Col), erotic and exotic as you might have hoped and dreamed. Max’s big eight songs are: Theme from Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes - John De Bello, Echo 4-2 - Bad Manners, Staring At The Rude Boys – The Ruts, theme tune from Supermarket Sweep - Kevin Kitchen, Vanilla Radio – The Wildhearts, Lust For Life – Iggy Pop, London Calling – The Clash, and I’ve Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts – Merv Griffin. (Wot? No Isubaleene by Desert Island Joe? – Ed)

Max’s film is Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes. His TV show is Dale Winton’s Supermarket Sweep (“Bring it back!” – Max, “Here here!” – thinking people everywhere) and his book is: How To Build A Boat Out Of Coconut Shells, plus part two How To Ferment Coconut Milk Into Alcohol.

Max is waiting to record his new studio album, his first for ten years. “The Beast is supposed to be sorting it out,” he tells us. “But nothing’s happened yet.” Really? How very unusual. Next on Desert Oi-Land: Sharron Slutt! (Sorry, Stiletto!)

Back In Stock! The last Gonads’ album, Greater Hits Volume I 'Plums'; sixteen tracks including 'Oi Mate', 'British Steel', 'Grant Mitchell', 'Alconaut', 'Tucker's Ruckers' and 'I Lost My Love To A UK Sub'. Available from here.

We’re in the studio this weekend, full report to follow. Meanwhile accusations and counter-accusations are flying in the wake of yesterday’s ‘style wars’ exclusive.

Raising the stakes, some low-down dirty rat has leaked this ancient picture of Gal in full ceremonial robes at a top secret Jolly Pranksters lodge meeting in Newcastle ten years ago, back when the PM was a humble ‘Tyler’ and UFO legend Pete Way (right) was a fully functioning Chief Mong. The Pranksters have launched an internal inquiry into how their security was so shamelessly breeched. Brother Geggus is heading the investigation. An ashen-faced Effete El whispers: “Senior brethren are frothing at the marf abhart this. Things are going to get nasty.” This is true. We are also in receipt of certain pictures best described as “dynamite”. Those of you with weak stomachs are advised not to look back here tomorrow. The horror, the horror...

Random news: East London punk herberts Underclass UK have made their new album a free download. Bargain! Have it from here... Brett Callwood’s book on the Stooges is published next month... and the new album from the Krum Bums, ‘Cut The Noose’, is out now on People Like You Records.

John’s book is All Too Beautiful – The Life & Times of Steve Marriott by Paulo Hewitt and, er, John Hellier. His film is The Green Mile. TV Box-Set: Coronation Street (“Whatcha laughing for!?!”).

The 15th Annual Small Faces Convention takes place on 11th Sept at the O2 in Islington, featuring SEVEN bands including the Small Fakers who will be playing Ogden’s Nut Gone Flake live. Tickets £20 from wappingwharf.com

And talking of Ogden’s Nuts, we note that the forthcoming Bermondsey Joyriders’ album ‘Noise & Revolution’ features the veteran septic revolutionary John Sinclair narrating between tracks in the manner of the late great Professor Stanley Unwin. Quips Fat Col: “The difference being one of them speaks gooblegook, the other was a great English eccentric...” (Anyone who wants to remind us that Stan was born in South Africa can piss off now and stop spoiling the gag). Gary Lammin is currently in talks about releasing the radical album which could have been inspired by last week’s looting sprees. Gary says: “It’s all there in the track, ‘Society Is Rapidly Changing’.” You can say that again, me old fruit.

Gonads noos: Gal and Jase are working on a hardcore version of ‘These Are Our Streets’ which pays tribute to the citizen armies of Eltham, Southall, Enfield and Dalston who rose up to protect their areas last week. Perhaps less worthy of note is that the duo are also toying with a skiffle version of ‘Karl Marx Supported Millwall’...

Fat Col’s Punk Pathetique Revival is on! Sort of! Col has teamed up with punk-loving adult hypnotist Ken Webster and they are planning a pathetique all-dayer in Blackpool later this year. Says Col “I’ve got Max Splodge and the Gonads” (First we’ve heard about it – FB) and now all we need is a venue, some more bands, poets, some fire-eaters, some “over-sixties lap-dancers” and other extreme or lunatic variety acts. We will of course give first refusal to bands who were aligned with the original Pathetique movement such as the Toydolls, and the Test-Tube Babies but that greedy bastard Peter Test-Tube will probably want too much money. We’d welcome Geoffrey Oi-Cott and Monkish, though.” Hang about. Over-sixties lap-dancers? The sick bastard! Now you’re talking our language.

The PM was the first to spot yesterday’s Wattsie Watts’s shocking fashion faux-pas – la belle Wattsie was wearing the same dress while snogging Steve Diggle as she was while cuddling Gary Lammin. “But don’t worry,” says Fat Col. “She’d definitely changed her draws.” (Like he’d know! – Sandy Lane).

Meanwhile Chelsea Dom has taken issue with his “Boo Brummell” status, saying that at least “you'd never catch me with a wedge haircut and white shoes a la Terry Hayes circa 1982.” But which man had the best look? We’d invite friends (and enemies) of the Badoes to submit relevant photos so that the world and his wife can decide.

Today, as promised, it’s week one of Punk Rock Book Club. Book of the month is the moving Black By Design: A 2-Tone Memoir by Selecter singer Pauline Black, which our reviewer Sandra Lane says is “a must-read for all Ska fans, that also opens your eyes to what it was like growing up mixed race in 70s Britain.” Also recommended: Psychobilly by Craig Brackenridge (Stormscreen Productions) which Fat Col describes as “pulp fiction in the Joe Hawkins mould”. It’s set in 1986 when the scourge of psychobillies was spreading across UK council estates like a be-quiffed plague. Also worth a read: Kid On A Red Chopper Bike by Tony Beesley, which is summed up by Gal as “a real love letter to a working class 70s childhood that triggers many a memory.” (And at his age he needs all the triggers he can get.) The book is available, along with Tony’s 'Our Generation' punk trilogy of books (which cover the whole punk and beyond era in the Sheffield, Doncaster and Rotherham regions and include contributions from members of The Lurkers, UK Subs, Rezillos, Pulp, Cockney Rejects and many more) from his website.

Rebellion have already released tickets for next year’s fest - available now for 95 quid (inc VAT), which is at least a score less than it’ll cost you next year. The deal expires on October 31st. Rebellion is back in Blackpool between 2nd - 5th August 2012.

Gig noos@ Sparrer and Infa Riot play The Melkweg, Amsterdam on Saturday 16th June 2012. Tickets on sale from Oct 1st. The Cockney Rejects and Resistance 77 plus supports play the Witchwood on 29th October.

Aug 16. Oi, Diggle - no! Steve Diggle gets up close and friendly with our own orgasm addict Wattsie Watts. Odd, normally when she fancies a Buzzcock she reaches for a Vibrator...Talk about, ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't! A distraught Gal is believed to have complained "What do I get? (wo-oh) What do I get?" Meanwhile a furious Fat Col raged: "Hands off, she's mine, until the end of time." (Even though a) that's a Beat song, and b) Fat Col is a fantasist.) Check back in tomorrow for the latest Desert Oi-Land, the brand new Punk Rock Book Club, and to find out if Wattsie has developed a nasty spiral scratch.

Cass Pennant and a film crew popped round to Gal's last night to shoot an interview for his new documentary on football casuals. Fit Bird reports that it was all going well until Gal suggested that the East End Badoes were the first casual band, and Cass googled a picture of Chelsea Dom - not so much the Beau Brummell of Bromley, more the Boo Brummell...

Aug 13. Good morning and welcome to this month’s edition of Frequently Asked Questions. You asked us:

2) When will Ska For Heroes be released in a physical form? A: The plan is to release it on CD in September, and on vinyl just before Armistice Day; watch this space for confirmation.

3) When can we expect to hear Gal’s solo album, ‘Beyond The Minge’? A: 2012, in theory. The songs are written – enough for a double album, we’re told - and some have been demoed. According to the PM, they are “an extraordinary hotchpotch of Ska, Oi, London culture, skinhead lullabies, bawdy jokes, Music Hall and terrace tomfoolery, with a cheeky pinch of Bernard Cribbins...these songs are a tantalising taste of what Oi-Tone could become, and what it should become.”

4) When will the ‘Charlton Boys’ ep be available? A: October, we hope. We will record FIVE (count ’em) tracks this month and then it’s down to the record company.

5) Who has the biggest man boobs: Fat Col, Dave Hayman or Jello Biafra? A: We’ve got a tape measure and we know how to use it.

6) Are you still planning to do gigs for the armed forces? A: Yes, in Afghanistan, but the army’s conditions are more stringent than we realised so it’s taking some time to set up.

7) When will the BLESMA benefit gig be re-scheduled for? It’s looking like January.

Of course, the question Gal gets asked most is what the **** has happened to the 30th anniversary Oi album, ‘Oi! Never Surrender’? To which we refer you to previous answers explaining that ‘Contra time’ works differently than human time, being more in tune with Northern Line time on the London Underground, where the promise of a tube “in five minutes” can translate as a soul-destroying 72 days of actual waiting. Some who don’t understand the science suspect that Contra are playing a cruel joke on the world or are just sitting about on their arses all day drinking Einbecker and noshing schnitzels. But no, they just operate at a different pace (possibly alien, possibly snail) in the old East Germany. Either way, we reckon we’ll be lucky to see it by Christmas and that the alternative Oi album, ‘Oi! Still Fighting!’ will be out first. Place your bets please...

Random news: Rancid’s Tim Armstrong is producing the new studio album from reggae legend Jimmy Cliff; Jimmy has just recorded a version of The Clash’s ‘Guns Of Brixton’ which will be released on a taster ep in November... The Offspring have “nearly finished” recording their ninth album... Slash has just recorded a song with R&B star Mary J. Blige...there are plans afoot to turn the ‘alternative Rebellion’ gig at Blackpool’s Rose & Crown into a two-dayer next year... NOFX have just released a 7-inch of cover versions of songs by obscure 80s hardcore bands on Fat Wreck Chords... If it’s Saturday, it must be Desert Oi-Land. Today it’s the turn of Garrie ‘Guitar’ Lammin of the Bermondsey Joyriders.

Gary’s TV show is Space Patrol (“featuring the Gabblerdictum Bird - check it out, they don’t make ’em like this anymore”). Film: The Ipcress File (“although of course it is a story of spies and espionage, I think the real story is a actually a fascinating observation of class struggle and one up-manship...Michael Caine plays Harry Palmer this upstart working class messenger in the secret service who is very clever but has realised that the only thing really available to someone of his social background is to please himself and do what he has to and not much else. This is echoed in turn by the character of Dolby played by Nigel Green, who though from a much higher social background has actually missed his opportunity in life and is in fact a passed-over major, so all nicely cued up to clash with the resentment of Harry Palmer. But the real jewel in the crown comes from Guy Dolman who plays Colonel Ross, who is able to read both Palmer and Dalby and seems to be not only looking down his nose at everyone else but is manipulating the whole scene of bluff and double bluff while keeping one step ahead of everyone else. At first you think that it is Colonel Ross who is the dodgy one. Think again. The film is directed by Sidney J. Furie who brings out the needle match between the three main players. I studied this film to the point of obsession when I was acting. The film is based on the book by Len Deighton. It is often said that the film is never as good as the book...not so in this case ! Watch this film and realise what it was that was once so brilliant about the English.”). Gary’s book is: As A Man Thinketh by James Allen (“a must for any working class tosser who wants to improve himself spiritually and as a man. As A Man Thinketh So In His Heart He Shall Be is just one quote and how about this one: "A Man Does Not Attract What He Wants... BUT WHAT HE IS!" So to all working class tossers everywhere I appeal to thee... buy this book now and start reading and improving!”) Aug 11. Here as threatened, sorry, promised is Chelsea Dom’s review of Rebellion 2011: ‘Fifteen years since the first annual summer punk festival took place (then known as Holidays in the Sun) - has it really been that long? It has now grown to such a point that it's impossible to watch all the bands (Especially with a busy drinking schedule – Ed), therefore it's a case of cherry-picking and going by recommendations, plus trying to fit this in with the socialising. Promoter Darren Russell has his detractors, but down the years has looked to make changes and added touches to make the weekend more of an event. There will also always be those who complain about the line-up, but that's certainly not for want of trying to make it different each year, easy solution - do it yourself! So six stages, four days of bands, enough pints drunk to refloat the Mary Rose, not to mention late nights and much suffering in the pursuit of enjoyment. Thursday was particularly fuzzy and thus memories of specific bands allude me to some degree, however notable mentions can be given to Angry Agenda, Menace (featuring original guitarist Steve Tannett), the Old Firm Casuals and the Heavy Metal Kids. (Are you just listing bands now? – Ed)

‘The first band I caught properly on Friday were the recently formed Biteback from Liverpool who know how to play a decent tune or several. Aussie oi-rockers Rust followed, cranking up the crowd with their hi-octane sound, difficult not to draw some comparisons with Rose Tattoo. The day for me followed a bit of theme here-on, then watching The Warriors, a resurgent Section 5, Resistance 77 with one of the Hairy Bikers on guitar (Chelsea Girl as ever going down a storm, but then again I'm a Chelsea boy). I had problems watching the Test Tubes & looking Peter in the eye, after hearing about their Rebellion special t-shirts featuring Peter receiving felatio from the singer of a well known 80s band (not that there's anything wrong with leather, bristles, studs & acne). Argy Bargy then set the tone for the rest of the evening with an all out aural (not oral this time) assault. On to a packed Empress Ballroom for the Business, who played some lesser known songs from their back catalogue such as ‘Maradona’ (Kissing that Argentina tour goodbye – Ed), plus the usual classics. Knowing that Infa Riot had put a lot of effort into preparing for their comeback gig, this was one of the few re-unions I've seen that hit the mark from the first note - screeching air-raid sirens & slap-bang into Emergency, then straight into Riot Riot. They were tight and played at the right tempo, through 5 Minute Fashion, Kids of the 80's, Each Dawn I Die, The Winner etc etc.

‘After a much needed hair of the dog, Saturday festivities kicked-off with the Jons. Whilst Tom and Jack are sons of Col & Burge from Sparrer, respectively, they are their own band, as Tom duly reminded us “I'd like to play Because You're Young, but you're all well old!” which unfortunately for us had a ring of truth about it. For a first time appearance at Rebellion, they went down well, with their quirky indie-punk sound and great songs including Walk Towards The People. With the cobwebs temporarily blown away (i.e. until the next morning), it was then a case of dodge the rubber chickens (roasted ones at that) as Runnin Riot hit the Olympia stage amidst some very vocal threats from Colin Riot if someone knocked-over his Buckfast. Having managed to catch brief segments of 999, Gimpfist (Just Another Country, a classic), Hard Skin and the Defects, it was round to the Empress again for the Street Dogs, who I've waxed lyrical about before, but another great set (go see them on their tour!) A great band to watch live are the Crack, although a serious case of inebriation hampered their set somewhat. The highlight of the night was no surprise, Sparrer taking the stage to a locked-out Empress Ballroom. From our vantage point at the side on the balcony we could see the masses swaying & clapping along (see the youtube footage of England Belongs to Me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFbAVVMW6Mo). There were some changes to the set too (I Fit Central Heating & I Live in Marbella - extensions to the Working theme). The crowd were left tired, ecstatic & sweaty by the end of the set.

’Sunday's recovery was a much longer affair, having crawled out of bed at gone 1pm and thus a late start for me, with Crashed Out, the lovable Geordies churning out their own brand of Oi-rock to good effect. Demob (original line-up - next year, new improved or specially blended) next took to the stage (okay in a different venue this time) and to my delight included my favourite of theirs Teenage Adolescent, before a mini-stage invasion for Punk & Disorderly vol 1 classic No Room For You. A growing 'star' on the scene is Kunt & the Gang, who I can only describe as a solo artist in a Macc Ladds style of ribaldry. Kunt played to a packed Arena with song titles such as Sit Down Wee and I Sucked Off a Bloke, you get the picture. (Yeah, but we’d rather we didn’t – Ed) One of the weekend's highlights was surely The Outcasts, another first gig after over 20 years, playing classics from their repertoire such as Magnum Force, The Cops Are Coming, Just Another Teenage Rebel and Self Conscious Over You. Greg Cowans has such a haunting voice - surely some more gigs are long overdue. Perennial favourites the UK Subs kicked-up a storm and were another crowd-pleasing highlight, with the ever youthful Charlie Harper bounding around the stage in familiar pose. The theme of great sets continued, with Slaughter & The Dogs, who took us through the whole of Bite Back for the first time, as well as several of the singles (the 2-3-4 in the Bitch still gets to me). Final set for me was Jello Biafra, appearing on stage in a blood stained medical coat & gloves, playing the odd Kennedys song much to the delight of the crowd and finishing another Rebellion. This is ChelseaDom reporting from the suburbs, knackered, still recovering sobriety but still rockin'...’ Thanks Dom!

A slightly more jaundiced view of the proceedings can be found at moonandblack which includes digs at Angry Agenda (‘Apart from being musically retarded, their singer had that kind of embarrassing drunken uncle look about him, the one who always sings karaoke at parties in front of your mates, but instead of singing Phil Collins he was having a go at punk.’), Infa-Riot (‘by far one of the worse bands I’d watched’), Goldblade (‘fuck John Robb and fuck Goldblade… fuck his shitty haircut and God complex’) and Jello Biafra (‘dressed in bloody medical gear and looking like a wanker’). We’re not saying we agree with it, just that it made us laugh.

A few of you have asked why the Gonads don’t play Rebellion. The simple answer is we haven’t been asked. No idea why. Ask Mr. Russell.

A huge turn-out for Gill Gale’s funeral in Essex yesterday, with a congregation around 200 strong. Gal read a eulogy, Ken Boothe was played, Gill’s life was celebrated. She was wonderful. Her family did her proud. We’ll miss her.

August 10. Not everyone is rolling over and giving in to the looters. In this picture: the Eltham Boys rally to protect their manor yesterday – just like the Sikhs in Southall, the Turks in Dalston and the good folk of Enfield who turned out last night around 500 strong. They shall not pass indeed. No surrender to the opportunist tealeaves. The amoral little bastards are a disgrace to their class and their communities.

STOP PRESS. Saturday’s big BLESMA gig has been sadly postponed because of the troubles in London. A spokesman for the event tells us, “There are serious concerns about the impact the violence and looting sprees will have on numbers attending and more importantly how much dosh we will be able to raise for this great charity. Most of the audience would have been travelling in from suburbia and London is not looking too safe.” The event will be rescheduled for later in the year. These guys have sacrificed enough for us; we’ll do whatever it takes to do our bit for them.

And now to Desert Oi-Land where today there’s a proper rock n roll demi-god in the sun-kissed hammock. Step forward Phillip John Mogg of indestructible hard rock gods UFO! Phil’s eight high quality disc choices are: Smoke Stack Lightning – Howlin’ Wolf, The Good Life – Tony Bennett, Jesus Just Left Chicago – ZZ Top, River – Joni Mitchell, Hollywood Nights – Bob Seger, Madame George – Van Morrison, At Last – Etta James, I Walk On Gilded Splinters – Humble Pie (“although I’d settle for anything from Rockin’ The Fillmore.”)

Phil’s film would be Withnail & I. His book would be the Oxford English Dictionary (“I can’t spell”). TV box-set: Only Fools & Horses. UFO should be playing London again in 2012... (And while Phil’s away on the island, he’ll need someone to cater for the needs of his beautiful ex-model missus Emma. Auditions will be held in Torquay tomorrow. The end of the queue is currently just south of Coventry.)

Next on Desert Oi-Land: Garrie ‘Guitar’ Lammin.

We had a blinding band rehearsal at Champions in Bournemouth on Sunday. Rehearsal onlooker Allyson Maverick of the MK Dons Barmy Army reports that our new extended version of ‘Oily Rag’ is “shit-hot”. Funniest moment was Troi the Boi, seven, taking the mic for a word perfect rendition of ‘Oi Mate’. Is it time for a certain aging vocalist to stand aside and make way for the next generation? (No – Ed). Gal’s thanks to rock n roll legend Jenny Torrid for the lift, the scrambled eggs and the guided tour of the south coast....

An email questionnaire arrives from a US fanzine. Question one: what are the Gonads looking for on the East Coast in September? Well let’s see, hot birds, cold beer, hot chilli beef, more cold beer, more hot birds, a bit of kip, and some Oi-Oi music. Nuff said?

We have been sent this review of Greater Hits Vol I from an Argentinean punk website. It reads: ‘Las Gónadas son los punkies más grandes del mundo. El cantante es muy atractivo. Su guitarrista parece un mono. Estos muchachos beben como pescados. Los dejaría amar mi hermana y a mi madre. Son gente loca. ¡Los amo! Un día los compraré muchas “pintas” de cerveza. ¡Cerdos locos! Vaqueros salvajes! Son como dioses!’ (And we don’t think you can say fairer than that.)

The Pranksters’ Augustus weekender was a huge success, despite being moved at the eleventh hour to Poole in Dorset apparently for undisclosed “security reasons”. The event saw the usual mix of beer tents, pub sports, curry stalls, synchronised scooter displays, eel stands, a boxing booth, stand-up comedy sets, table dancers and Ska-oi DJs, with a couple of intriguing new developments. To wit, a Miss British Barmaid contest, a set from an incognito Ska-jazz band from South London, and a special ceremony to honour Fat Col. Well, when we say honour we actually mean rip the piss out of him. Grand-rank Prankster Dave Lee told the assembled brethren “We are here to celebrate the man with the biggest prick in Oi music, sorry, that should say the man who is the biggest prick in Oi music. This round-dodging bastard is lower than a worm’s cock, and what an ugly ****! Col looks like Homer Simpson has just killed Cherry and is wearing his skin...Fat Col is so unlikeable that on myspace Tom refused to be his friend” (and so on for ten more minutes). Col was livid. An eye witness tells us that at the end he “tore his flat cap from his head, slammed it on the ground and kicked it like he was auditioning for a silent comedy. The moment could only have been better if someone had slapped him in the face with a custard pie.” Next time, then...

Our Rebellion review from Chelsea Dom is coming, apparently, but while we’re waiting here’s a quick to-the-point summary from our mate Kieron: “Street Dogs were great and Slaughter & The Dogs were good. I stuck Jello Biafra for three songs, dribbling Yankee bollocks! Kunt & the Gang was a star, stupid childish drivel but hilarious.” Meanwhile, 200 yards away on the Saturday, was the now traditional ‘non-corporate’ alternative punk gig in the Rose & Crown pub, which was packed to the rafters for the likes of the London Diehards, Skinfull (new album out now), Lars’s mates Pressure 28 and Sweden’s Last Seen Laughing. Fat Col’s mate, Slippery Ted tells us: “It was a proper old-fashioned skinhead knees-up. No trouble, no political agenda – so don’t believe the lies – it was just a right old laugh. The Rebellion mob must have been shitting their pants about the opposition though because they put all their Oi/street-punk bands up against it, bands like Control, Runnin’ Riot, Hard Skin and the Street Dogs. And someone – no names, no pack drill - tried to get the gig shut down. They even sent the filth down, nice little salt one of them too. So this was definitely where the real ‘rebellion’ was. The cops seemed more worried about the fuckin’ crusties collapsed all over Blackpool drinking cheap cider and neglecting their kids. Fuckin’ hippy dirtbags.” Yes, thanks for that Slippery, as you were, mate.

Out this month as digital downloads new albums from The Sidewalk Doctor and, The Caroloregians on Phoenix City Records.

The Bermondsey Joyriders’ latest album, Noise & Revolution, is “coming soon”, says Gal ‘Slam-in-the’ Lammin.

Hard Skin’s superb debut album, Hard Nuts & Hard Cnuts, has been reissued on vinyl by NYHC label Broken Rekids.

We have been sent Danny Baker’s Desert Island Discs by a mutual pal, which we reprint herewith: ‘Marvellous Lie’ – Helen Shapiro, A Day In The Country – Dean Martin, Underneath The Arches – Max Bygraves, I’m So Ashamed – Peter Sellers, Ain’t Got A Dime To My Name – Bing Crosby, What A Mouth – Tommy Steele, I’ve Grown Accustomed To Her Face – Bernard Cribbins, The Next Time – Cliff Richard. Unusual choices you might think for a man who used to write Sniffin’ Glue and write about Sham in the NME, but that’s what supporting Millwall does for you... but we forgive him for giving us Win Lose Or Draw!

August 8th. ‘Ska For Heroes’ by Buster’s Ska Battalion is out NOW! The three-track Ska ep is raising money for Help4Heroes, the Erskine Hospital in Glasgow and the Royal Chelsea Hospital. ‘Ska For Heroes’ features Buster Bloodvessel plus the Coverup with guest vocals from Jack Kendall and opera star Benjamin Bevan. Track two is ‘Cheeky Chappy’ by The Gonads vs The Coverup featuring Liberty Hayes. Track three is ‘Long Ska Summer’ by The Gonads featuring Jennie Matthias and Jack Kendall. All the links are here: iTunes - Amazon - Play - Ovi/Nokia - Tesco

Nathan and Lenny also busked two great songs live on the show. Some observers claim there were a couple of minor cock-ups (Surely not – Ed), but Fit-Bird claims that Gal was “experimenting with feedback in the spirit of John Cage”, and that what sounded like mistakes to the uninitiated was “fully in the traditions of avant-garde art, actually.” As you can see from our picture, she’s really gone to seed lately, the fat caawh. (Regular readers may recall that Gal’s last podcast was scuppered when he turned up with Tommy Schitt only to find the studio was now an empty shell in an abandoned Denmark Street building under heavy surveillance from furious debt collectors and confused bailiffs.)

But Sean adds: “I can’t believe I have missed out Runnin’ Riot, Rose Tattoo, The Four Tops, The Upsetters, The Heavy Metal kids and Rick Astley... No-one said it would be easy, mate.

Sean’s film is Young Guns (“And Young Guns 2 - HMV sell them as a double DVD, so surely I can have them both?”) (No – Ed). TV box set: Rich Man, Poor Man (“though Auf Wiedersehen, Pet came a close second”). Book: Britain’s Godfather by Edward T Hart (“I have read this book more times than I can remember, but always go back to it.”). He concludes: “As with everyone else my choices will probably change in a hour but that’s what it is now.” Cheers!

Many people have promised to send us their Desert Oi-Land list, including Max Splodge, Stinky Turner, the PM, Rihanna, Oi!-The Comrade and Jennie Bellestar. But while they dither and prevaricate, a proper living legend has actually delivered. Next time on Desert Oi-Land: Mr. Phil Mogg, lead singer with UFO, one of the greatest goddamn rock bands ever to come out of dear old Albion!

Random news: The UK Subs complete punk singles collection is out now in a two-disc set from Captain Oi... Monkish have their official album launch on Sep 11th at the Dublin Castle... the Street Dogs have recorded a four track acoustic ep – you can get it for nothing simply by clicking ‘Like’ here ... the Darkness have “almost finished” their third studio album... more news mid-week, probably, when we’ll be back with ace reporter Chelsea Dom’s bear-soaked Rebellion over-view. Pip pip!

Aug 3. Due to popular demand, we’ve brought forward Desert Oi-Land Discs, and as promised, Daryl Smith of Cock Sparrer and Argy Bargy is the man of the moment.

Daryl’s film is The Usual Suspect (“a film you can re-watch even though you know the ending, as different things make sense. It’s the same with Memento, another good film... here we go again! Can I have more than one? This is quite therapeutic. I’m coming across as greedy. Maybe my clinical obesity has now been answered by a simple Q&A on the bloody Gonads Blog!”). Book – Affirmations by Stuart Wilde or The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. (“But more likely some gadget book or work of music reference. In fact, it would probably be the excellent 45 Revolutions by Mario Panciera which is like a brick, so would be good for smacking the natives with if they got too close. It’s 1100 pages and has pictures and write ups of every Punk single released between 1976 and 1979.”) TV Box-set – There’s so many classics that would be worth seeing like Fawlty Towers, Black Books, The Young Ones etc but they only lasted for a couple of series, so without being boringly obvious, without question and beyond any reasonable doubt (honest guv I don’t need an extra choice, you’ve cured me of my excessiveness) it would have to be ONLY FOOLS & HORSES. Complete Box Set that had all the Christmas specials in too. Loads of hours of the best written, fantastically acted comedy ever. Britain at its very best... I might sneak in a Minder box set though... actually I’d probably just take an iPod to leave room in my travel bag for cheese, chocolate and beer...” (And we thought Gal was indecisive - Ed) Next up: Tottenham Sean.

The Battle of the Oi! albums is officially on! The long awaited thirtieth anniversary compilation Oi! No Surrender will be awaited a bit longer, as Contra have missed their Rebellion deadline. They apologise and say the record will definitely be out before Christmas. This gives the other official Oi album, Oi! Still Fighting (working title) the chance to pip them at the post. This album, being released on the Oi! The Boat label features happening bands like the Brassknuckle Boys, the Sydney Ducks, Evil Conduct and the mighty Maninblack. It is tentatively expected in September.

Former Conflict bassist Big John, now in P.I.G., has opened a new rehearsal studio in Deptford with band mate Marv ex of The Varukers. It’s Overdrive Rehearsal Studios, (opposite Deptford BR station) Units 6-7, Resolution Way, Deptford, Sarf London, (postcode: LaLaLa!) Phone: 020-8305-6836

This weekend’s big Prankster do is ON! The message to brethren is “That Kent Place is confirmed! Kick-off Saturday dinner-time. Password: giblet.”

The full Oi! Organising Committee met last night in That Essex Place beloved by the Pranksters. Much of the meeting was apparently devoted to discussions of a possible Oi/Ska/Punk/Rock/Mod festival next year. A prime location has been found. FB has been assigned to investigate the practicalities. The creation of Oi Against Racism was also mooted. An insider whispers: “Committee members are loathe to venture into politics – one thing we don’t need in Britain is the kind of tediously politicised streetpunk scene that exists in Germany and Italy! But it was felt that by carrying the ‘O.A.R.’ logo on albums, bands could demonstrate to the world that they have no interest in racial prejudice or associated tomfoolery. An artist has been commissioned to come up with a suitable O.A.R. design, so we can all make a small stiff-upper-lipped stand; all OARs together.”

The Mighty Boosh have finished their debut album. Julian Barrett reveals that they’ve recorded and mixed the “psychedelic/prog rock” tracks at New York’s Electric Lady Studios. It’ll be released to tie in with their movie project.

The Gonads, A Statement: We'd like to make ourselves crystal clear on our political stance. The Gonads began life as Labour supporting punk drunks. We ran contact details for the Anti-Nazi League on our first e.p. Our classic song, 'The Joys Of Oi' quite clearly stated "the Red Flag not the Horst Wessel". We lost faith in Labour when the party deserted the working class many years ago, but we remain a people's band. We have more in common with someone from the back streets of Brooklyn, Berlin, Beijing or Buenos Aires than any stuck-up toff you'd care to mention. We would play RAR gigs at the drop of a pork pie hat. When Gal stood for Parliament, several years ago, he stood on a platform of expanding democracy and creating an English Parliament and an English bill of rights - all thoroughly sensible and progressive demands. The only politician close to his heart is Proudhon. For the benefit of the hard of thinking, we are 100% against Nazism, and most other 'isms' you could name. We don't hate other cultures. We are absolutely in favour of equal rights for women, especially when it comes to buying rounds. So if you're a bigot or a Nazi, and you are looking for a band to follow, we are not for you. Is that clear enough for you?

Aug 3. Is this the second rarest Oi single ever released? The song 'Your Face' b/w 'Dead End Yobs' was released by the Porno Cassettes on Heresy in 1982. For years, many people doubted its existence. But here it is, kindly supplied by Brad of Monkish. We have no idea who they are, or what happened to them, but we'd love to hear from you if you do. The rarest Oi single of them all of course is our own 'Stroke My Beachcomber, Baby'. Only a handful were ever pressed up on our own Scrotum label back in '77 and the only copy we know about now belongs to Fat Col who will charge you a score just to look at it.

Fat bastard Col posted a few unkind 'jokes' here about Pete Townshend while we were away. Hasn't the great man suffered enough? The gossip and innuendo is just that - unfounded and malicious. When the police seized his computers, they tipped off the media in advance resulting in a newspaper frenzy. But Townshend was never charged with anything. He was only ever cautioned. Roger Daltrey has stood by him throughout. We happen to know from impeccable sources that Pete rang up a senior ex-cop for guidance before he started his internet research. And despite the digs and cynicism Pete is still writing his autobiography. The aging kid is all right. He's one of the good guys.

Klub Skank is back in Chatham next month! Date: 10th September. Location: Command House, Dock Road, Chatham. A night of Ska, Reggae and Rocksteady all for a jacks! 8pm till 2am.

Simon Cowell, Katie Copstick, Piers Morgan... TV is awash with fearsome arseholes, sorry, judges, but can any of them hold a candle to our own roving reporter? Here Chelsea Dom, our man with a biro and the back of a fag packet, casts a critical eye on the Old Firm Casuals tour: I have to start this review by admitting that I was somewhat sceptical (or should that be septical) of the Old Firm Casuals, however I was pleasantly surprised by their live shows. They have some great songs, which whilst not necessarily fitting in as a typical Oi band, come over as a cross between Rancid (as you may expect) and an early 80s skinhead street rock sound (god, please don't accuse me of starting another sub-genre). (I won't - God). The original plan was to catch three of their gigs, although I didn't make the third gig (Tunbridge Wells) thanks to a combination of the Essex mobile phone network developing a mysterious 24 time delay & my pick-up having the directional sense of a Mumbai taxi driver. However I did manage to get to Bristol at the start of the tour and more recently the Underworld in Camden. Lars has his detractors and it's easy to criticise on the internet, but the proof is in the playing and there was a good atmosphere on both nights with the crowd enjoying healthy banter with the band. Outside of YouTube, these gigs will have been the first time the band have been seen live and it didn't take long for the audience to take to these new sounds. My personal favourites are 'Don't Worry About Me' and 'Ignorant Ones'. 'Apocalypse Coming' has shades of 'Clash City Rockers', and other, such as their anthem 'Casual' boast strong sing-along choruses. The support bands on each night gave a nod to the Oi scene, both old and new, with the OFC playing in the middle of the bill both time, presumably out of respect for their peers. (Here, here - Waistrel, peer of the realm). In Bristol honours went to Control and Argy Bargy. Control have come up several notches since the acquisition of their new guitarist and Robin Guy packing a real heavyweight punch on drums. You heard this especially on opening number 'Hooligan Rock & Roll' and the title track of the new album, 'Punk Rock Ruined My Life'. Bargy followed the OFC blasting through their standards old and new, finishing with a plethora of old favourites to send the crowd home happy. The Underworld was an altogether different affair awash with faces from the scene - Charlie Harper (who Lars describes as his dad, didn't realise Lars was THAT old), Lee Wilson from the newly reformed Infas, Steve Whale, Saxby (Warriors), Mark Wyeth (Case/Symarip), Esso, MAD Marc, Eugene Big Cheese and Kev the Hammer to mention a few. (Bet Gal thinks it was a secret Pranksters meet, so secret that not even he knew about it!). First support was from Booze & Glory, although I have to confess I missed most of their set in my new guise as an unofficial PR. Last Resort finished the night on a high, with favourites spanning the years and a bit of 4Skins thrown in for good luck. Now all we have to wait for is the tribute band with Terry Hayes & Frankie Flame as the Infirm Casuals.

STOP PRESS: Menace play a secret show tomorrow night at The Hope and Anchor (Wednesday 3rd). Cost £6 or £10 with the new album Too Many Punks Are Dead. Line up Noel, Charlie, Steve and Finn.

August 1st . Right, we promised you news and by Jingo we’ve got some. In no particular order, the brand new Gonads four-track ‘Charlton Boys’ ep will be recorded later this month and released by Randale Records in October. And we’ll be back in the studio over Christmas to record The Gonads Greater Hits Volume II. If you thought Volume 1 was the business, wait till you hear the follow-up! We will also be recording the long-promised Gonads DVD in the coming months, probably in Blackpool, so watch this space for details.

In the meantime, don’t forget the brilliant Buster Bloodvessel-led ‘Ska For Heroes’ ep is available as a down-load from iTunes, amazon etc one week from today. And if we all buy it on August 8th we can chart it! The three track ep features the ‘Ska For Heroes’ medley by Buster’s Ska Battalion, ‘Cheeky Chappie’ by The Gonads vs The Coverup, with guest vocals from the amazing Liberty Hayes, and ‘Long Ska Summer’ by The Gonads featuring Jennie Bellestar and Jack Kendall. All proceeds will go to armed forces charities.

Tickets are now available for the big Blesma benefit show on August 13th, featuring us, the Heavy Metal Kids and the mighty Agincourt. Price: £12.50. All profits to the British Limbless Ex-Servicemen’s Association.

Calling all skin birds, punkettes, Modettes, bar-maids, dominatrix, tattooed rock chicks and wannabe models of all descriptions: if you want to be in an exciting new subculture calendar email your pictures to waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk We’re gonna make you a star-ar-ar-ar-ar...

We are pleased to be confirmed as co-headliners at the Help 4 Heroes weekender in Harlow next year, on Saturday June 2nd. More details as we hear them.

The Gonads are looking to play unusual and exotic venues. Anywhere from cider festivals to fetish clubs, from lap-dancing venues to scooter rallies, military messes, parks, picket lines, ends of piers and working men’s clubs will be considered for our forthcoming ‘Taking It To The People’ tour; anywhere that isn’t another shit-hole pub...

The Nads rehearsed without Gal on Saturday and have added a new “brutal extended dimension” to ‘Oily Rag’, which previously lasted one minute, or “about double the length that Fat Col lasts”, according to his soon to be ex-wife Janette. The new version will be unveiled at The Garage.

This blog is back but will continue on an irregular basis only for the foreseeable future. Also continuing as a weekly feature is the ever-popular Desert Oi-Land Discs. Today, swinging sweet in the hot hammock, with a whip in her hand is... Beki Bondage! Beki’s eight tracks are, in no particular order: Complete Control - The Clash (“I weakened several sets of floor boards bouncing up and down to this as a junior Punk Rocker, ‘THIS IS THE PUNK ROCKERS’, yells Strummer in the middle, oh yes!!!”); Moonage Daydream - David Bowie (“The Mick Ronson guitar solo at the end of this is pure ecstasy, and it was from an era when men wore cat suits, high heels and make-up... Phwoooarrr!!! I have a men-in-catsuits fetish.”), Bomber - Motorhead (“Lemmy had a nick name for me, 'Fishnet Face' and in spite of that I still love this song”); Lucille - Little Richard (“The king of Rock and Roll, the voice of Rock & Roll”); Rockers - UK Subs (“‘Born a Rocker die a Rocker', I concur with Mr Harper”); Whole Lotta Rosie - AC/DC (“I love AC/DC, Rock and Roll is distilled joy made into sound. We do our own version of this, 'Whole lotta Roadie' it's all about rubber torches, gaffa tape and fuses”); Ties that Bind - Alter Bridge (“My not so secret vice!”);

Decontrol – Discharge (“This one used to make my dad bang on the ceiling with a broom handle and issue instructions about turning the bottom end down”); Bad Man - Cockney Rejects (“This was on the juke box at a pub we used to frequent as underage drinkers, it has a great riff and you can do the Lambeth Walk to it, or so I'm told”); Wasn't It A Handsome Punch-up - Joe Brown & Marty Wilde (“We once sung this to some bemused Americans at a gig in San Francisco, it's from a 60's film called 'Crazy World' and is based around Tin Pan Alley, where you can view guitar porn till this day”) and Him Indoors - Vice Squad (“To remind me of what I'm (not) missing at home whilst having my feet massaged by some island Adonis and his three brothers...”). Yes, we know that’s more than eight tracks, but who is going to argue with a woman clutching a bull-whip?

Beki’s book: Ingenious Pain by Andrew Miller. Film: Withnail & I (or Fist of Fury). TV show: If Walls Could Talk.

Next weekend: Daryl Smith from Cock Sparrer and Argy Bargy! Many more big names to follow.

The great Terry Hayes caption contest attracted a tidal trickle of entries, ranging for the cruel: “Excuse me, matron, what time’s lights out?” (from Effete El), to the feebly predictable: “If you were my daughter I’d still be bathing you.” (from Fat Col). In-jokes included: “Anyone order a cab to Colchester?”, “Should this be a caption competition or a Straw poll?” and “What are we today, the East End Diehards, the London Badoes or the Wizard Of Oz Recreation Society?”. We quite liked: ‘It’s the new Peters and Lee – that’s Martin Peters and Christopher Lee (not you, Libs, you’re the business, can I have your phone number?)’, which we suspect also came from Fat Col. A few of you likened the father/daughter duo to ‘the Renee and Renato of street-punk’. But those who actually caught the gig song say it made them think more of Neil Tennant’s duet with Dusty Springfield, specifically it made them think ‘What Have We Done To Deserve This?’ The winning entry had the PM saying: “I know I should recognise her, is it wotsername?” Thank you to a contributor who wishes to be known only as Mr X from Bromley, Kent, although his real name is Chelsea Dom of the increasingly legendary (in the sense that their existence is unproven), East End Badoes... And from another anonymous Badoe member: Tel: “Oi Lib, the pub’s nearly empty. Only the last few Diehards left.” Lib: “What, like you dad?! Ha ha – geddit?” Tel: “Groan – you’re a Badoe you are.” Lib: “Nope – that’s you too! Ha ha!” Colin: “Wave a Rubber Chicken in the air!” (Runnin’ Riot in-joke). See also: “I asked for rubber chickens, and all I got were these turkeys.” (Fat Col’s inevitable stuffing joke has been banned).

Available now: Terence Hayes Tours of the M25! See the delights of Redhill, Reigate, Winchester and East Grinstead! Just get in at Hornchurch and ask him to take you to Tunbridge Wells...frustration guaranteed.

The Uppercuts launch their debut album on Friday Aug 19th at The Hydrant, Brighton, with Skingraft, Insane Society, The Noxious Toyz, Loudmouth Eddi and Insane Youth...

Album of the month: What Happens In Hell, Stays In Hell by psychobilly trio Nekromantix (on Hellcat) - thirteen slabs of demonic rock; “Motorhead meets 1955 in punk rock heaven” according to Sandy Lane.

Remember the Kidz Next Door? Drummer Peter Woodley has re-mastered KND demos and live tracks and a Japanese record label is going to release it all as an album, including a version of the single they had on Warner Brothers back then. Also in the band were Robbie Pursey (Jimmy’s brother) on vocals, Steve Hope-Wynne (now an actor in such prestige productions as the Kinder Surprise TV ad!) or guitar and the legendary Grant Fleming on bass. According to Peter “The re-mastering has come out better than I expected and as an album it sounds really good.” Yeah? Well, we’ll be the judge of that, mate.

Strange but true: on Saturday night Lars Frederiksen told an entire Old Firm Casuals audience in Kent that the London Diehards’ debut album is “the best album I’ve heard in the last ten years.” Observers blamed heavy exposure to diesel fumes. Our spies at various OFC gigs tell us that the band are “blinding” live.

Genuine! Spotted by Batttttty on the Isle of Wight, a road sign saying: St Pete Way. Quite right, and all!

Stop Press: our pal Kiria plays the Boston Music Room in Tufnell Park tonight – it’s her last gig before she starts work on her new album, and her Desert Oi-Land list. Word is the new material will take a turn towards the Gooner Goddess’s rock’n’roll roots. Headliners tonight are cult Kraut glam group The Pleasures.

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