Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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Nov 5. Crowds of well-wishers have held candle-light vigils and prayer gatherings outside the London private hospital where Mrs Marr is being kept manacled in a padded cell following her recent debilitating psychic backlash. Her ashen-faced neuro-surgeon Doctor Michael Hfuhruhurr tells us, “We believe she is in a deep, self-induced coma, much like the current government… she is fighting for her sanity on sub-microscopic levels, but, if she does not recover consciousness by the weekend, I fear I might have to pull the plugs.” Because there’s no hope, we ask? No, he replies, “Because I might have to leave the country.” Why? “Well,” he says. “I was in the lift with a patient’s wife. She was a very beautiful elegant woman with a magnificent cleavage. Her twin orbs were very distracting. And after a long wordless pause, she sighed and looked straight at me and she said, “Doctor, can you please press one? My case comes up on Monday.” Good luck Mrs M, you are in our prayers.
The Pathetique Punk Scene is still reeling from tight-fisted Ted ‘Tonka’ Thompson’s treachery. Can it the Pathetique revival be saved? Bands are reaching out to Barnet Mark to beg him to take over the reins and save next April’s all-dayer.
Nov 4. Hola a nuestros amigos españoles. Si os gustaría ver a los Gonads tocar en España, hacédselo saber a vuestros promotores. Saludos!
Nov 3. New facts arrive to further discredit tightwad promoter Tonka Ted in the wake of yesterday’s traumatic twist. It seems the two-faced rascal has been running a lucrative, advert-heavy Gonads fake-news site from the Seychelles which our legal eagle The Beast has now closed down. This shocking rip-off included dreadful clickbait like:
Meghan Markle to be “the new Wattsie” – Duchess of Sussex in secret talks to take part in controversial ventriloquism sketch on stage…
Bareknuckle fights, stomach-pumping lock-ins, sadistic forced feeding, and shocking sex orgies – what really goes on behind the scenes at the Punk Rock Curry Club…
Drinking 12 pints of Paulaner every day is the best way to lose weight and cure wossname, dementia, says health guru…
Does listening to The Business give you malaria? (Yes – Ed)…
Exclusive! Major punk star will die next year. Or the year after, reveals Sylvie Lee-Simmons (Foots Cray’s ‘leading psychic medium, tarot card reader and visiting masseuse’)…
Why Elvis, Lennon and Bowie would have been Gonads fans, but Sinatra would have hated them – Lloyd Webber’s shock verdict…
Sandie West’s mega-sex-toy splits live hippo in half, details and dimensions revealed…
A daily Gonads-style Full English breakfast could add up to 15 years to your life, says bedridden dietician…
Randale Records buy entire Green Day back-catalogue and lose it…
And as best-selling 2023 Gonads album Revolution Now is robbed of a platinum disc, furious Kemi Badenoch asks: Why won’t Burnham take the blame?
Nov 2. Rotten news! Next year’s Festival of Frivolous Frolics has been cancelled. A furious Ted ‘Tonka’ Thomas blames the bands and their “money-grabbing” managers. He tells us, “They all wanted to be paid, the fucking bastards! How was that ever going to happen?” We all need to cover costs at least, Ted, we say, but he’s not having it. “It doesn’t matter if the bands lose money,” he roars. “They should do it for the glory of resurrecting the Pathetique dream! And to keep us promoters in red wine – that’s how it works at Rebellion.” (Is this libellous? – Ed).
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