Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Our Shop page is now closed. For merch enquiries email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk
Feb 13. We are officially in partnership with a much-loved southeast London butcher who is working on the long-promised Bushell Banger, a super-sized spicey sausage which will be advertised as “a hefty two-handed pork sword guaranteed to bring tears to your eyes”. Hard to swallow? Maybe. The art is to take your time with it. We suggest preparatory licks, tiny nibbles and olive oil lubrication.
For details of Fat Col’s chipolata hear 18 Stone Of Dynamite (Half-Inch Fuse).
Good news for punk rock fans in Ashford, Kent. From today, The Record Store in Bank Street will be stocking Gonads CDs. The self-styled vinyl heaven praised the band as “the authentic sound of southeast London…full of raucous drinking songs and working-class humour”.
Feb 12. RIP Andrew Ranken, The Pogues’ drummer, who died on Tuesday. London-born Andrew was a founding member of the group and played on some of their best-loved songs, including Sally MacLennane and Fairytale of New York. He was 72. A band statement describes him as “heartbeat of The Pogues”. Our thoughts are with his family.
Garry Johnson today released a snatch of his new song, Stand Down Starmer; Gal J has also put new music to his 80s number, If Looks Could Kill, transforming it from an iffy ballad into a punk anthem…
Feb 11. It is with great sadness that the weight of compelling evidence forces us to add Paul ‘Stalin of Style’ Hallam to our blacklist of infamous round-dodgers. Hallam was seen yesterday accepting two pints from someone very close to this blog without once offering to buy one back. This “outrageous and blatant” rejection of accepted pub etiquette was witnessed by two independent witnesses who were treated by the Red Cross for shock after becoming “shaken, horrified and mortified”. An ashen-faced spokesman for the ADL (Anti-Dodgers League) said, “It was not a simple lapse of memory. He was told twice ‘It’s your round’ and refused to budge from his chair. Bad enough that the man supports Millwall and the North Korea national team, but this boorish behaviour puts him way beyond herbert society. We can only assume that all his years of hanging out with known round-dodgers – Spizz, Eddie Piller etc – has rubbed off on him.” As an immediate consequence, Stalin has been barred from attending next month’s Punk Rock Curry Club, pending a thorough investigation. Further action may follow.
Feb 10. Fears for Gal Gonad’s sanity rise following reports that he has succumbed again to the debilitating curse of the black dog. His PA Fit-Bird made the mistake of confiding details of his mental turmoil to our anonymous mole (Effete El), telling him, “It started with frustration, didn’t it, but now it’s got a whole lot darker. He ain’t even answering the phone to nobody, is he, and he won’t commit to anything, not even curry club or the Vamps.” Fit-Bird said she had tried to get Waistrel to intervene but apparently the good Lord is too pre-occupied with his latest campaign to resurrect ‘full-blooded’ fox hunting. What could be frustrating Gal so, asked our mole? Fit-Bird then reeled off a long list including “piss-taking, time-wasting, parasitical record labels”, piss-poor politicians, shameless round-dodgers, health concerns, fair-weather friends, “lazy-arse publishers”, the attempted King Gonad coup, general ennui (is he with NATO? – Ed) and “the bloody band convincing him to keep going when he wanted to quit and then refusing to agree to any flamin’ gigs, making us look like fools”. He may have a point.
A new 360-degree immersive show, David Bowie: You’re Not Alone, opens in London this April, showcasing some of Bowie’s most famous performances as well as rarely seen material.
Feb 9. Could the Gonads become an ology? We have just learned that Lord Waistrel was recently contacted by an East Sussex university who apparently wanted to include ‘Gonadism’ as a study area. Tragically Waistrel refused to co-operate, blasting the caller and universities in general for being “plagued by neo-Marxism, demented decolonisers, toxic eco-loons and shite-spouting, safe-spacing, space-wasting, no-platform poltroons”. Blimey. “My Gonads will not be deconstructed,” thundered his Lordship, adding, “although I’m not adverse to them being lightly nibbled by my dear friends Donna Damage and Miss Connie Strewd, what?”
Feb 8. RIP Fred Smith of Television who has died aged 77.
After the many shocks of Epstein Island, will the secrets of Waistrel Island ever be disclosed? His Lordship purchased the small isle in the Swale estuary in the 1970s and has known to have entertained ‘rock royalty’ and actual royalty alike there, along with aristocrats and psychopathic East End gangsters. Nothing, not a single word, has ever been reported about the place, but one deep mole reports, “Waistrel Island is the only place in Europe where shocking practices are condoned.” What practices, we ask breathlessly? The mole blanches, hesitates and finally replies, “full-on, no-holds-barred feudalism…with vassals, serfs, villeins, heavy mouldboard ploughs, hawking, an’ everything…the horror, the horror…” The phone goes dead.
Feb 7. Peace in our time! The prominent author John King’s associate membership of the magnificent Gonads has been restored after the great man accepted the honorary handle of J.K. Gonad and abandoned his seditious quest to rule the band as ‘King Gonad’. This is believed to have occurred following a flurry of increasingly volatile emails where Mr. King cast doubt on the existence of The Beast and even Fit-Bird who are both very real. A spokesman for the author blamed the incident on temporary Guinness deprivation. Gal refused to discuss the “unfortunate misunderstanding” as “sanity has been restored”, but our insider reports that Lord Waistrel was so infuriated by the attempted coup that he hired former Iranian Qods Force officer Colonel Jaffar Ghorblimi to “interview” (torture) the accused before today’s scheduled emergency hearing. The late afternoon settlement meant the Colonel was stood down and the Chelsfield hearing cancelled – which is a huge relief for Effete El who had been tasked with studying all aspects of the associate membership ceremony including “hundreds” of emails, oaths, pledges, and the intricate ritual itself, details of which can never be made public. So mote it be.
Membership update: The Gonads, 5. Associate Gonads, 2. American Gonads, 4. Confirmed flag girls: 7. Confirmed members of the new GBX, 3. Confirmed members of Gonads Youth, details redacted.
Feb 6. Agnostic Front’s Euro tour starts tonight in Dusseldorf, with more shows in Germany, the Netherlands, Switzerland, Italy, France, Poland, the Czech Republic, Hungary and Belgium to follow. Nothing here sadly, but the boys are back in June for Hellfest, in Clisson, France.
In other news: Madball hit the UK in March, playing Bristol, Brum and Manchester… Sparrer play festivals in Germany and Austria in June… and the emergency John King hearing begins tomorrow at New Nads HQ, Chelsfield.
Feb 5. John King’s associate membership of the Gonads has been suspended pending a full investigation of his alleged take-over plot. The defiant King claimed to have organised four separated votes to decide on his Gonads name, offering a straight-forward choice between JK Gonad or King Gonad. He writes: ‘The first, within the BME (Beer Monster Elite – Ed), saw a 75-25 split in favour of King Gonad, with 2,000 votes cast. The second by the PPGB membership (paid-up members only, 20,000 patriots), saw a 50-50 tie. The third by the Kingy Youth (numbers not known, impossible to count due to drunken disturbances) resulted in a resounding 98% for King Gonad. It is said that a fourth, within the Gonads themselves, saw a staggering 100% choosing King Gonad, although this has not been confirmed.’ He goes on: ‘With the matter settled, King Gonad would like to reassure Gal that no takeover is planned. Nothing could be further from King Gonad’s mind. King Gonad’s loyalty is total. King Gonad only wants to help. Rumours that Gal is now being openly referred to as Prince Gonad and Garry Gonad The Former are clearly false, spread by mischief-makers and enemies keen to create suspicion within the ranks.’ His alarming claims were passed immediately to our fearless legal eagle The Beast who chuckled, “None of the so-called organisations King mentions have any say over this great band. The only votes Lord Waistrel might, and I emphasis might, listen to would come from Club 77 and the Jolly Pranksters. However, no valid votes have taken place and, on the orders of Gal Gonad, I have suspended John King’s associate membership of the Gonads pending a full investigation. Should we find against him, Mr King will be stripped of his ceremonial robes, force-fed a pork chop, and expelled for sedition. He will, I’m afraid, also discover that there is another far more personal and painful ceremonial use for the Spoon Of Destiny.” This wise decision leaves Carrie ‘Cazza’ Griffiths as the only official Associate Member of The Gonads.
In a further dramatic twist, would-be empire-builder King has also been accused of rice theft at the Halal Restaurant on Monday night. One shocked diner reports, “I had ordered rice to go with my Dum Gosht and made the mistake of turning my head away from this King bloke for thirty seconds. When I looked back, the bounder had half-inched half of my Condoleezza without so much as a by your leave. The man is a conniving reprobate and a raging megalomaniac.” The incident has been reported to the Punk Rock Curry Club who take a dim view of such underhand behaviour. Could another expulsion be on the cards for the fallen King? “It’s abdication time,” sniffs a passing Fat Col. “King Gonad? More like Kin’ gone.” A lesson for all of us.
Feb 4. After the jubilation, confusion reigns as John King is now demanding that his new band name should be “King Gonad”. Gal’s PA, Fit Bird, sniffs: “Kingy boy is getting too big for his britches, ain’t he? I told Gal he’d be trouble, didn’t I? But he wouldn’t listen. This stinks of a take-over bid. It’s like Burnham and Starmer only with proper people, not useless twats.” Miss Management agrees, saying, “There is no room for treachery in the Gonads. John King’s name will remain J.K. Herbert until he earns the surname Gonad. Being an associate member does not mean he can call the shots. This matter is not up for debate.”
News: Grade 2 release their fourth album Talk About It on 3rd April via Hellcat Records. The lead single Standing In The Downpour is out today, and if they need a brolly, Fat Col is currently selling a fine line of umbrella swordsticks… Meanwhile the mighty Molotovs are number 2 in the midweek album charts with their debut album Wasted On Youth, ahead of Cast and Kula Shaker. Only Lily Allen can keep them from the top spot. We played with the Molotovs at the Hope & Anchor – believe the hype. The band, still teenagers, start a major UK and Ireland tour, Welcome To Urbia, in September including the Forum in London, as well as Nottingham, Brighton, Glasgow, Newcastle, Sheffield, Leeds, Liverpool, Manchester, Cardiff and Birmingham, cruelly snubbing Upper Dicker… finally Carrie & The Coaxers play the New Cross Inn tonight supporting Crushed Veneer, alongside High Frequency and Easy Matters. The band is led by Carrie Griffiths of The GBX.
Feb 3. O happy day! As promised, Gal yesterday raised author John King (aka JK Herbert) and singer Carrie Griffiths (aka Cazza) to permanent associate membership of the Gonads. We cannot reveal much about the elaborate theatre of the ritual and its deep spiritual tug, or how much they had to pay for this rare privilege, but we can say that the full ceremony began in Execution Dock, detoured to Wapping Old Stairs to commune with history, and then on to the Brown Bear pub in Leman Street for the Ceremony of Spoons, assisted by former Gonad and Cock Sparrer original Garrie J. Lammin. The elevations were then blessed at the holy sanctuary of St Duncan’s in the East before the select party moved on to the fabled Halal Restaurant for a traditional Ruby. We are looking into reports that both candidates faced a vigorous, Dilksy-style grilling from Gal before they were anointed with Guinness from the Spoon of Destiny. You may hear whispers about the night, its ritual, questions and demands, on social media, but you will only find the truth on this newly serious blog. Footnotes. 1) the humble Spoon of Destiny (pictured) was crafted by Old Barry from the East Sussex Pranksters in the mists of time, and is as sacred to the Gonads and Club 77 as the Turin Shroud or the Buddha’s Tooth of Kandy are to adherents of those religions. 2) Lammin, the Cockney Sparrow himself, is also the man who killed Pete Beale on EastEnders. 3) Associate Membership is not thought to guarantee membership of Gonads II, now known as Gonads Youth, but Carrie has been officially confirmed as the second full member of the GBX. The future is unwritten.
Feb 2. Our thoughts go out to Wattie Buchan who reported collapsed on stage on January 31st as The Exploited were playing in Darmstadt. The band released a statement saying, “As Wattie collapsed yesterday during the show in Wiesbaden, Germany we have to cancel the upcoming gigs in Tallinn & Riga. We try to find new dates ASAP… Wattie is in hospital right now for observation and checkups.” They suggest his collapse was due to flu and dehydration, rather than over-doing the nice. Get well mate.
