Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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Oct 23. Good news! We have been approached to play a grand Pathetique Punk Convention next Spring. The north London all-dayer is set to include The Toydolls, the Postmen, Peter & Test Tube Babies, the Orgasm Guerrillas and Splodge. The organisers have requested a Gonads set that includes “all of your neglected pathetique gems like Stop That Drumming, Pink Tent, JR Ewing’s Barmy Army, Mystic Meg, Tucker’s Ruckers and Karl Marx Supported Millwall”. Sounds good to us. This self-styled Festival of Frivolous Frolics is pencilled in for Saturday 18th April 2027, but chief promoter Ted ‘Tonka’ Thomas tells us his “vision” is to expand it over a full weekend in 2028 with more bands, jesters, punk clowns and “traditionally annoying” punk poets (Outrageous! – Ed). The event will be “free of tedious politics and full of glorious, uproarious laughter,” he says, adding, “A celebration of silliness, satire, slapstick, soppiness, supping, soggy gussets, and sexual fantasia”. Strewth. Venue, dates and ticket-line tbc.
In other news, a source close to Mrs Marr tells us that yesterday, moments after the psychic sleuth had become lost in a transcendental trance, their neighbourhood suffered a huge power surge. “Everything on the estate went out for a few seconds and the mag-lock intercom doors all jammed with no intercoms working at all,” says our spy. “When she came out of it, the power returned immediately and she woke up rambling about moon landings and the Proclaimers, Wattsie Watts style. But then, and this is significant, she received random junk mail from a company called Ace Hardware, which she is convinced was a nudge from the universe to forget the moon and all that sunshine on the Leith, and keep on doggedly investigating the elusive (and abusive) Bev Elliott and her secret Maid Of Ace daughters.” Blimey.
Meanwhile the fall-out from Monday night’s Tower Hill curry night continues to reverberate. After leaving the Indian restaurant, a still-furious Steve Whale insisted on leading a small, elite party on a long march to Lewisham station via Tower Bridge, Bermondsey, the Elephant & Castle, Brixton, Peckham, East Dulwich, Gypsy Hill, Forest Hill and Beckenham. Steve’s oppo The Bear claimed that the route was designed to throw Max Spartan’s scouts off the scent. PRCC organisers claim Max’s men attempted to follow them, but were shaken off the trail when the marchers circled back via Sydenham and Bell Green. Our insider reports, “Max is trying to set up a rival curry club for tough guys and glam dames. He wants our secrets, our recipes, our rituals and most of all our phonebooks, but he ain’t getting them.” Crikey. Casualties included Gal, who has not been able to walk since.
Oct 20. Last night’s Punk Rock Curry Club gathering near Tower Hill had more strange revelations than an episode of Mrs Marr Investigates. For starters we learnt that one veteran club member has two belly buttons and another has no belly button at all – for names and medical verification please subscribe to Gonads Gossip Gold. Or buy Gal a Guinness. More shocking was the breaking news about ace photographer Jim Jimmy James. Unfortunately, we have been firmly instructed that we must not, under any circumstances, publish any information about Jim’s Only Fans side-line as a foot fetish model. So not a word will be printed here about how pretty his toes are, no video evidence will be provided, and we can’t even hint at his ballet career. However, we can reveal that a shocked Miss Management dubbed JJJ “the Lord of Corn Porn” and “the Cinderella of Street Punk”. And we can never unsee those pictures…
Mrs Marr (psychic sleuth), who uncovered his cheesy secret in her dreams, says she has more questions for punk queen of Soho Bev Elliott, who stayed away for that very reason “thus compounding her guilt… what is she hiding? Four daughters in Maid Of Ace, that’s what!”
In other news, a near full turn-out of Gonads committed to several shows next year, The Business will be filming in Jamaica, and Chelsea’s Mat Sargent revealed that his son Alex’s documentary Fix Me In The Mix (about Mat’s HIV diagnosis) is gaining traction after it was featured at the 10th Annual LA Punk Film Festival, along with Gal’s Late Night Vegas TV pilot. Could Jim Jimmy be at the 11th fest with one of his foot-fetish flicks? The Lord Of The Shins, perhaps. Romancing The (Toe) Bone. Fifty Shades of Sole. Debbie The Chiropodist Does Jimmy. There’s Something Inside Mary (And It’s Wriggling) (Cut! – Ed).
The night’s only dark twist came when one furious PRCC organiser condemned the “two-bob time-wasters” who had asked us for the East London meet but never showed up. Club security officer The Bear told the blog “We only came north of the water for these five jokers who didn’t turn up. We’d have had the same turn-out in Sidcup, probably more.” As a result, club organisers have scrapped plans for Covent Garden in December. “Christmas will be in south London,” said The Bear. “Let the undesirable unreliables come to us for a change. And if they’re a no-show we won’t have wasted hours of precious time travelling.” Blimey. Apologies for absence were received from John King, Garrie Lammin, Barnet Mark, Carrie Coaxer, Terence Hayes (PM) and Judge Shed.
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