Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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Feb 5. John King’s associate membership of the Gonads has been suspended pending a full investigation of his alleged take-over plot. The defiant King claimed to have organised four separated votes to decide on his Gonads name, offering a straight-forward choice between JK Gonad or King Gonad. He writes: ‘The first, within the BME (Beer Monster Elite – Ed), saw a 75-25 split in favour of King Gonad, with 2,000 votes cast. The second by the PPGB membership (paid-up members only, 20,000 patriots), saw a 50-50 tie. The third by the Kingy Youth (numbers not known, impossible to count due to drunken disturbances) resulted in a resounding 98% for King Gonad. It is said that a fourth, within the Gonads themselves, saw a staggering 100% choosing King Gonad, although this has not been confirmed.’ He goes on: ‘With the matter settled, King Gonad would like to reassure Gal that no takeover is planned. Nothing could be further from King Gonad’s mind. King Gonad’s loyalty is total. King Gonad only wants to help. Rumours that Gal is now being openly referred to as Prince Gonad and Garry Gonad The Former are clearly false, spread by mischief-makers and enemies keen to create suspicion within the ranks.’ His alarming claims were passed immediately to our fearless legal eagle The Beast who chuckled, “None of the so-called organisations King mentions have any say over this great band. The only votes Lord Waistrel might, and I emphasis might, listen to would come from Club 77 and the Jolly Pranksters. However, no valid votes have taken place and, on the orders of Gal Gonad, I have suspended John King’s associate membership of the Gonads pending a full investigation. Should we find against him, Mr King will be stripped of his ceremonial robes, force-fed a pork chop, and expelled for sedition. He will, I’m afraid, also discover that there is another far more personal and painful ceremonial use for the Spoon Of Destiny.” This wise decision leaves Carrie ‘Cazza’ Griffiths as the only official Associate Member of The Gonads.
In a further dramatic twist, would-be empire-builder King has also been accused of rice theft at the Halal Restaurant on Monday night. One shocked diner reports, “I had ordered rice to go with my Dum Gosht and made the mistake of turning my head away from this King bloke for thirty seconds. When I looked back, the bounder had half-inched half of my Condoleezza without so much as a by your leave. The man is a conniving reprobate and a raging megalomaniac.” The incident has been reported to the Punk Rock Curry Club who take a dim view of such underhand behaviour. Could another expulsion be on the cards for the fallen King? “It’s abdication time,” sniffs a passing Fat Col. “King Gonad? More like Kin’ gone.” A lesson for all of us.
Feb 4. After the jubilation, confusion reigns as John King is now demanding that his new band name should be “King Gonad”. Gal’s PA, Fit Bird, sniffs: “Kingy boy is getting too big for his britches, ain’t he? I told Gal he’d be trouble, didn’t I? But he wouldn’t listen. This stinks of a take-over bid. It’s like Burnham and Starmer only with proper people, not useless twats.” Miss Management agrees, saying, “There is no room for treachery in the Gonads. John King’s name will remain J.K. Herbert until he earns the surname Gonad. Being an associate member does not mean he can call the shots. This matter is not up for debate.”
News: Grade 2 release their fourth album Talk About It on 3rd April via Hellcat Records. The lead single Standing In The Downpour is out today, and if they need a brolly, Fat Col is currently selling a fine line of umbrella swordsticks… Meanwhile the mighty Molotovs are number 2 in the midweek album charts with their debut album Wasted On Youth, ahead of Cast and Kula Shaker. Only Lily Allen can keep them from the top spot. We played with the Molotovs at the Hope & Anchor – believe the hype. The band, still teenagers, start a major UK and Ireland tour, Welcome To Urbia, in September including the Forum in London, as well as Nottingham, Brighton, Glasgow, Newcastle, Sheffield, Leeds, Liverpool, Manchester, Cardiff and Birmingham, cruelly snubbing Upper Dicker… finally Carrie & The Coaxers play the New Cross Inn tonight supporting Crushed Veneer, alongside High Frequency and Easy Matters. The band is led by Carrie Griffiths of The GBX.
Feb 3. O happy day! As promised, Gal yesterday raised author John King (aka JK Herbert) and singer Carrie Griffiths (aka Cazza) to permanent associate membership of the Gonads. We cannot reveal much about the elaborate theatre of the ritual and its deep spiritual tug, or how much they had to pay for this rare privilege, but we can say that the full ceremony began in Execution Dock, detoured to Wapping Old Stairs to commune with history, and then on to the Brown Bear pub in Leman Street for the Ceremony of Spoons, assisted by former Gonad and Cock Sparrer original Garrie J. Lammin. The elevations were then blessed at the holy sanctuary of St Duncan’s in the East before the select party moved on to the fabled Halal Restaurant for a traditional Ruby. We are looking into reports that both candidates faced a vigorous, Dilksy-style grilling from Gal before they were anointed with Guinness from the Spoon of Destiny. You may hear whispers about the night, its ritual, questions and demands, on social media, but you will only find the truth on this newly serious blog. Footnotes. 1) the humble Spoon of Destiny (pictured) was crafted by Old Barry from the East Sussex Pranksters in the mists of time, and is as sacred to the Gonads and Club 77 as the Turin Shroud or the Buddha’s Tooth of Kandy are to adherents of those religions. 2) Lammin, the Cockney Sparrow himself, is also the man who killed Pete Beale on EastEnders. 3) Associate Membership is not thought to guarantee membership of Gonads II, now known as Gonads Youth, but Carrie has been officially confirmed as the second full member of the GBX. The future is unwritten.
Feb 2. Our thoughts go out to Wattie Buchan who reported collapsed on stage on January 31st as The Exploited were playing in Darmstadt. The band released a statement saying, “As Wattie collapsed yesterday during the show in Wiesbaden, Germany we have to cancel the upcoming gigs in Tallinn & Riga. We try to find new dates ASAP… Wattie is in hospital right now for observation and checkups.” They suggest his collapse was due to flu and dehydration, rather than over-doing the nice. Get well mate.
