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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

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May 4. News of the large kind. We'll be special guests at the big Bootboy Xmas Party at the 100 Club in December; the Cockney Rejects are headlining and more details will follow. So will it be the punk set or the acoustic one? Will we get more than a measly half hour on stage? Will Wattsie have forgiven Fat Col by then? Will Gentleman John be there or will he be off playing bass for Dom's IBS somewhere in the foothills of Outer Mongolia? Will Gal's decaying lugholes be up to the job or will he have to be replaced by Susan Boyle or a semi-trained orang-utan? These are the questions. Next week, more questions.

The big "new tide" gig will be at the Pipeline on Saturday, a bold new "Street Rock" event featuring the Bar Stool Preachers, Alias Kid, All The King's Men and Dirt Royal all on the same bill at last. And for only a cockle too. Here's Louder Than War raving abhart it.

Why weren't the League at Monday's slap-up ruby fest? Cos they thought it was happening last night! Well Animal is getting on now – the great man is 60 on Friday 13th (the same day one of us turns 61…). Have a great night, Nick.

Random news: Pete 'Manic Esso' Haynes has written six 90minute plays which may well be televised next year, "wheels are in motion" we're told… The Blink-182/Swindle 1996 split ep has been re-released on coloured vinyl by Grilled Cheese Records; ftg Blink's first demo version of 'Lemmings'… Around 7,000 AC/DC fans have asked for refunds rather than watch Axl Rose sing with the band in Belgium next Monday…

Terence Hayes, PM, interrupts his holiday in Saint Lucia to "fully endorse" the Jolly Pranksters' bold and uncompromising "Vote Leave" referendum stance. Says El Tel: "As the great book so rightly says, in us and through us ENGLAND LIVES!" To order, brethren. Step off with the left foot.

The Gonads WebsiteMay 3. Lars Frederiksen flew into London in time to host last night's Punk Rock Curry Club get-together in Blackheath Village. The assembled reprobates included Steve Whale, Gal, Jet from Buster Shuffle, JJ from the Last Resort, Chelsea Dom, Max Spartan, Barnet Mark, Sham 69's Robin Guy, Jimmy from Skurvi, Nick from Skunx tattoo parlour and Mr Lee Wilson who actually got a round in. Granted it was only for two people, but it's a start. Apologies for absence were received from Mark Wyeth (at Chelsea) and Terence Hayes, PM, (in the Caribbean). Richard England made the boozer, with one of the Saints, but not the curryhouse. Perhaps he'd seen the prices. After settling a bill Philip Green might have looked twice at, an ashen-faced Steve Whale announced that "in future all curry club meets will be in Lee or Sidcup". No-one tell John King.

The new Oxley's Midnight Runners single Conquest is out now from Randale and Oi The Boat. 'Don't Give Up The Fight' b/w 'Vengeance' is available on red, white and blue tri-colour vinyl (limited to 500) and also "beer" vinyl (another 500). It's the 4th instalment of the band's 7inch releases, following 'We Are Legion', 'Invasion', and 'Combat'.

Quick updates: our new album, London Bawling, is currently en route to Germany, and we're expecting to see the first footage from our DVD shoot next week. As to future projects, Lord Waistrel's decisions will be final but we're confident that our Ska compilation should be out by Autumn...

The Gonads WebsiteWhile we were away... Jeff Turner got engaged (congrats Stinky), and controversy surrounded the Jolly Pranksters St George's Day weekend after Colin Gannon seized upon the PM's lamentable absence to take over the entertainments committee. This coup de disgrace meant the expected mix of punk and Ska bands at the big Suffolk event were axed and replaced by a six hour Saturday evening homage to "the magic of the Music Hall". We're told this "diabolical night" consisted largely of "lousy" tribute artists recreating the acts of various obscure variety turns including: Wilson, Keppel & Betty (Egyptian sand dancers), singer Gertie Gitana, drunk comedian Archie Glen, speciality dancer Hal Menken, the naked Jane and her dachshund Fritz and Ted McLeod who "span ropes and lassoes while telling cowboy yarns". This appalling mess was held together by a compere claiming to be the wide boy comedian Arthur English, who died in 1975, but was in fact Fat Col himself! (He was "about as funny as a burning orphanage" according to one observer). This was Col's first public appearance since he was ejected from our DVD shoot on Friday for taking this appalling "up-skirt" picture of Wattsie - which we reproduce merely to emphasise how much it sickened us all.

Less controversial was the next day's closing festive board when incoming WM Brian 'Snake Hips' Sykes used the occasion to deliver a blistering speech committing all Pranksters to campaign "heart and soul" for Brexit. "This is not about politics," he said. "This is about liberty, democracy and self determination. It's about what generations of Britons have fought and died for, and about securing a safe, prosperous future for the next generations. It is time to reclaim our birthright and become a nation once again." The applause was said to be "tumultuous". So mote it be.

Here's the forest setting for the big Pranksters meet... The Gonads Website
And here's the "blessed" seat where the heroic Snake Hips Sykes composed his rabble-rousing EU-bashing speech... The Gonads Website
This is the very clapped-out jam-jar that Fat Col used to escape from Wattsie's vengeance after his disgraceful antics at the Hope & Anchor. Note the customised number plate.

The Gonads Website
Here's our mate Nick Welsh meeting Winston, the Hawkins & Joseph bulldog, in Hamburg recently. H&J are apparently developing a Peaky Blinders inspired flat cap with a fine Wilkinson Sword "tool" inside. But will it ever replace the sword stick?The Gonads Website

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