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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

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Sept 27. Shock scenes at last night’s band rehearsal as Wattsie Watts continued her protest campaign against Hollywood big-shot Sandie West and what Wattsie calls the whole “West Coast folly”. Brandishing a crude placard declaring “West OUT, Wattsie IN – Justice for the Gonads 3’, the cor blimey Corbynista persuaded other band members, and brilliant stand-in bass ace James Cruttwell, to down tools at the start of the session. This blog has since learned that Wattsie had also liaised with Terence Hayes, PM, to bring a menacing East End Badoes flying picket to patrol the outside of the studio – a clever ruse that only fell through when Tel forgot to show up (“I was wossname, weren’t I?”). Luckily Lord Waistrel was wise to her plans and sent the stern Miss Management along to infiltrate the protest. She was then able to persuade the angry activists that they needed to rehearse for Sunday’s great Punks Against Homelessness benefit gig. Scrotum, Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer, tells us: “Has ’is Lordship suspected, the band’s charitable conscientiousness quickly trumped Wattsie Bolshevik militancy”. A solid rehearsal followed – spoilt only by Gal Gonad’s tedious bid to add his new Jenny Woo tribute song, A Whole Lotta Woo, to the set. Our other picture shows him attempting to show Phil McDermott the “secret chord” used in the Waistrel-penned ‘Reg & Ron’. He failed. Hallelujah!

The Gonads Website

Sept 25. Could Wattsie’s suspicions about Sandie West be right after all? Wattsie believes high-flying Hollywood director West wants to cut her out of the Curry On Up The Gonads film altogether – and possibly out of the band. Blonde whirlwind Sandie has already AXED Wattsie from the US filming dates for “budget reasons” and replaced her with Shira Girl and last week a notice appeared in The Stage which suggests Wattsie will be DROPPED from the UK filming schedule too. The small advert in the theatrical paper’s classified section asks for a ‘buxom blonde Cockney, late teens, early 20s, with a strong voice and personality’ to contact Hank Rubenstein – the director’s assistant. When pressed, West told us “We will be telling the story of the Gonads across the years so naturally we need people to play all of you in your twenties.” Which sounds fair enough... except the only ad is for “the Wattsie role”. And when we asked Hank The Yank for clarification he would say only “There is no filming schedule for the UK shoot yet”. Our legal adviser the Beast says that the “awful” contracts Gal and Clyde have signed give Sandie carte blanche to cast the film in whatever way she chooses. Wattsie is convinced a conspiracy is afoot, and that other band members need to act against “this tin-pot dictator”. Grim days chums.

In a related story, Wattsie’s car has been “got at” by persons unknown making it harder for her to get to rehearsals... And speaking of conspiracies, could someone be applying pressure on US firms to sabotage the West Coast filming dates? Two US punk labels agreed to release a special American Gonads definitive greatest hits album, both have pulled out in turn. A t-shirt manufacturer with strong street punk credentials has also backed out of a deal. Fat Col suspects the hidden hand of “that PC chump Jello Biafra” who is also alleged to have applied pressure to get us excluded from Rebellion. We have no way of knowing if this is true, but Col’s instincts are usually sound... for a paranoid oaf.

Sept 23. Lee ‘Lovejoy’ Wilson tells us that he has had a great response to his new song ‘Punk & Oi’, but little does the roguish conman know that a pirate version of the track is now doing the rounds in South London. It starts: ‘My father was a round dodger, his father was a ponce/Great granddad never bought a round if he had half a chance/My uncle is a tightwad, my auntie is one too/It’s a family tradition/We are Wilsons through and through... oh, you can’t beat a little bit of freebie ale/A little bit of freebie ale... (continued ad nauseum).

Record Noos: out now on vinyl – the Best Of The Rough Kutz album and the Generators’ Tyranny LP, both from Randale... and the new Roadside Bombs album Rise Up from Pirates Press.

Sept 22. Lord Waistrel gets in touch, a rare treat these days, to say that he is “considering” coming to our December gig (when we support his dear friend King Hammond at the New Cross Inn) and would we be so kind as to include his own ‘Reg & Ron’ in the set so that he can “impress Stiffy Blinkington” (his latest aristocratic floozy). It’s an unexpected request. Waistrel wrote and recorded ‘Reg & Ron’ in the early 80s on behalf of his pal Lord Boothby (aka “the kinky Conservative peer”). It’s a heartfelt plea for the release of the Kray twins, that was outrageously ignored by the evil Fatcher government, and also the only song Waistrel has ever been directly involved with. His Lordship played guitar on the number in the studio with Mark Brabbs on drums and vocals. But it has never ever been played live. Says a passing music critic, “just as writing Greensleeves was enough for Henry VIII so ‘Reg & Ron’ is a one-off for Waistrel. Once you have created perfection, why try to better it?” Quite.

You can pre-order Nick Welsh’s autobiography, here. The Life & Times Of A Ska Man, from Waterstones He’s having a “book lunch” for it at the Hope & Anchor from 1pm on 28th October.

The Iron Maidens, the all-female Maiden tribute act, are coming back to Blighty and Shazza, their PR, asks if we can plug it here on the blog. “I can arrange a phoner,” she says “or you can do them personally”, which has to be the kindest offer we’ve had since The Yeti was on the firm.

Sept 21. Chelsea Dom has submitted a further report on the Creepy Uncle Lee saga, but unfortunately it appears to be in code. Deciphering it with care, we can reveal that Dom has discovered that Lee is a member of DUST (Doggers Undercover Surveillance Team), a shadowy Tottenham-based group whose purpose is to “dog the doggers”. Evidently this has “shrunk to the extent that Lee is the only member and he wanted to make it swell” (we’re hoping the ‘it’ is a reference to the group and not anything more unsavoury). So where do the three American ladies come into it? It seems that two of them, Donut and Bird, are involved with an independent filming organisation and Lee thought he was cunning enough to trick them into filming a promo movie for his nefarious dogger-dogging group, under the working title ‘Each Dawn I Dog’. Yes, yes, and then what we ask? “More follows…” Dom replies mysteriously. Oh get on with it! Talk about milking your moment!

Fat Col: “Dust? Ain’t that what you’d find in Lee’s wallet?”

Sept 20. Judge Shed couldn’t get that killer cyclist off, but as Richie Rocker points out he still had a better defence than Liverpool and Palace. Staying on a football theme, Richie asks: has anyone noticed that Wayne Rooney now has more points than Everton?

The Gonads Website Sept 18. Is this the most fearsome legal force in Britain? Our picture shows Judge Shed himself with ace solicitor Dale “The Beast” Beeson outside of the Old Bailey today. “It’s The Gonads legal team,” alleged Shed’s alter ego, Geno Blue QC (Ska & Bar). The razor sharp duo made the TV news after battling to save their client from jail. Did you win, we asked? No answer came the stern reply.

*Big Gonads love to our former drummer Manic Esso who has had a nasty turn up North. Manic Pete was hospitalised last week after collapsing. Our resident medical expert, Matron, claims the Lurkers legend “is clearly allergic to clogs and whippets”. He’s out now but is still on morphine. So at least there’s a silver lining. Pete tells us the quacks have banned him from returning to the safety of the beautiful south for at least a month, so we’ll be forced to get our sensitive humour fix from old Bernard Manning videos on YouTube. Get well soon, big boy.

Please note: Pete was NOT the former Gonad whose death was spookily “foreseen in a dream” by Psychic Shona recently. Watch this space for the obituary on that poor sod which is sure to follow.

Sept 17. The PM never fails to impress. The great man descended on That Kent Place earlier today and serenaded the brethren with impromptu versions of his latest compositions, ‘A Way Of Life’ and ‘Oi By Numbers’. Even played on a battery powered Casio keyboard with a rudimentary kazoo backing, these two gems suggest that the new East End Badoes album will be head and shoulders above the pitiful soon-come releases from the likes of Fergie, Liam Gallagher and Marilyn Manson. Our spy on the wall, Dipso Dave tells us: “Sam Smith and Pink run in fear when the dear PM appears... ”

Here's a taster from Buster Shuffle’s next album.

Sept 16. The sheer power of this blog never ceases to amaze us. Just hours after we mentioned that the Infa Riot song posting on the Idiot Free Oi page was underperforming no less than 500 people watched it on YouTube! That’s right – 500! Even if only one in five of them subsequently bought the Infas’ new album, it is a significant result for our good friend Lee Ebenezer Wilson. You might even think a round of drinks was in order. Wouldn’t you? Lee? Lee? Where’s he gorn now???

Out now on vinyl: the Bad Brains album, Live At CBGB 1982, from Music Video Distributors... Bonecrusher’s 7inch ‘Porn Star’ b/w ‘Poverty’ (re-released by Longshot; 500 copies)... and the extraordinary Donkey Dom four-song demo on audio cassette (Mandy’s Gusset), available from All Ages in Camden and Fat Col’s barrow down Woolwich market.

Sept 15. We bump into Serious Dan, one of the guardians of the sterling Idiot-Free Oi page on Facebook, who tells us that the new Infa Riot song 'Punk & Oi' is getting "the fewest hits in living memory". We're puzzled by this. It's a strong song from the boys' long-awaited new album, their first for donkey's years. So why is it attracting less interest than even vintage studio creations like the Orgasm Guerrillas? Could it be that the backlash against the "Creepy Uncle Lee" scandal has now gone global? And if so does it mean that people in Oi scenes on all five continents now know more about the chilling details of this shocking affair than we do? As the Daily Mail might say: When oh when will Chelsea Dom honour his commitment to reveal all? These are the questions, folks. Next week, more questions.

Wattsie rings. She's had another dream, this one involving the imminent death of a former Gonads band member at a young age. Is it just a dream or could internet rumours be true and the singer's dark nightmares are actually scarily accurate premonitions? Word is that Wattsie is actually a powerful psychic with "the gift of the third eye". Gulp. Watch this space for obituaries and check your blood pressure. If the musician she dreamt about does cop it, it might simply be a case of his liver committing suicide.

Sept 14. November's Chopvember charity event in Southsea includes special guests Banjo (George Newton) from This Is England, Eddie Webber from The Firm (and TV stroke adverts) and Gary Shail from Quadrophenia with music from us and the Ska Dogs. And it's only a fiver up front, so get in now! Banjo, Eddie, us, Gary Shail... "It's like a day release get-together," mutters a passing cynic.

Meanwhile the rift between band members exposed by the US filming schedule might be stretched to breaking point when they hear that Gal and Clyde are in talks to produce the GBX debut album in Eddy Grant's studio in beautiful downtown St Phillips, Barbados. Thank god no slippery grass is liable to make the controversial development public. Whoops!

Random Noos: the new Roadside Bombs' album Rise Up is released on vinyl a week today by Pirates Press... a documentary on the Newtown Neurotics is in pre-production; appropriately enough it'll be called Kick Out.

Sept 13. Quick update: confirmed UK gigs for the rest of the year are: 1st Oct: New Cross Inn (Punks Against Homelessness) tickets £5; 21st Oct: Dublin Castle, £10 (Polyfest); 25th Nov: The Dockside Club, Southsea (Chopvember 3), £5; 8th December: New Cross Inn with King Hammond (Jolly Boys Xmas Knees-Up), ticket price tbc. We’re hoping to announce dates in Germany, Carlisle, and Hastings for early in the New Year.

Sept 12. Prankster alert: an informal gathering in That Kent Place for senior deacons upwards, Sunday afternoon at Chinese Dentist, by order of the PM.

Sept 10. To make November extra special, Gonads USA management announce today that three “extraordinary songs” will be added to our usual set for the West Coast dates. These songs are ‘Stroke My Beachcomber, Baby’ and ‘Punk Rock Will Never Die’ – two numbers that have not been played live this century! The third number is ‘Infected’. Martin Sporrell (aggressive Gooner) tells us: “Because these shows celebrate 40 Years of Failure it is important that we go right back to the beginning. Beachcomber was released in 1977 and Never Die was on our very first ep Pure Punk For Row People. That’s where it all went wrong.” He went on: “We are getting a lot of feedback already from Gonads aficionados stateside – the Jolly Boys USA. We expect that the band will be absolutely stunned by the audience response. Either that or they’ll be stunned by police Tasers when the riots break out.”

Noos: Secret Spirit, a new melodic punk act from New Hampshire, are offering up two songs as a free download over at Bandcamp. Here’s a sample. Meanwhile the Regrettes have announced three UK dates starting with Southampton on the 29th. You can get their debut album Feel Your Feelings, Fool! from their website. Although frankly if we want to hear an attractive woman sounding off against the patriarchy we can just phone Wattsie. She must know one.

The Gonads WebsiteSept 9. Chelsea Dom lives! And what’s more the great detective promises to file the final part of the disturbing Creepy Uncle Lee saga in the coming days. While we wait, patiently muttering about deadlines, here’s a shot of how Dom looked in disguise as he went undercover to crack the case...

Sept 8. So we finally get to Wattsie’s Dream. It’s a strange one which we will edit down from her full 15,000 word account to a few more manageable sentences. Firstly she dreamt she was at Rebellion in Blackpool but couldn’t find the rest of us. She tried repeatedly to call Gal and Miss Management but kept misdialling. Instead she bumped into Prince Philip and chatted to him for an hour. Then she went back to her hotel room but when she looked in the mirror she was not wearing her normal clothes (she refused to divulge what she was wearing). And when she looked closer in the mirror she realised it wasn’t her face that was looking back at her... .Spooky. What could it mean? Presenting us with a £100 bill + VAT, our resident shrink Dr Noel Fucane-Goode tells us: “There are many common, easily diagnosed elements of Miss Wattsies’s apparently random dream. Firstly, she sees herself cut off from the Gonads, and unable to find them – this represents her fear of being ostracised from the band because of her stubborn and some might say tedious objections to the US tour dates. She tries to call two people to help her out but can’t reach them. With Miss Management this is not surprising, for she does not return texts or answer emails as part of her unique ‘management through humiliation’ strategy. But in Gal’s case this represents Wattsie’s deep anxiety about a communication breakdown between herself and her old friend and mentor. Prince Philip stumped me for a while but then I realised that the Duke of Edinburgh is the only man in England who is nearly as aristocratic as Lord Waistrel which makes him in this case a surrogate Waistrel or a father figure if you like. Her long conversation suggests that subconsciously despite her surface fears she realises she is still a much-loved part of your band. Now, in the next section she sees another face in the mirror rather than hers. Sometimes when this happens in a dream it represents seeing yourself as you think or fear others see you, but in this case I understand she saw the face of Shira Girl who is standing in for her on the Pacific coast tour. This again is a source of much anxiety. Finally there is her refusal to divulge what she was wearing in her dream state. This reluctance is simple to work out. Wattsie is wearing a wedding dress in her dream and does not wish the world to know that. She has thought deeply about marrying one of her close companions. It may even be a premonition. We cannot say whom, but I suggest we rule out this odious clown Fat Col as he will never forgive her for that box of dates... ” Well that was 120notes wasted.

Tonight: the Last Resort, Control and the East End Badoes play a benefit gig for Micky Fitzy’s family at BH2, organised by Franky “Boy” Flame, 93... in other gig news Bad Manners play two “intimate” London gigs in December – the 100 Club on the 16th and Under the Bridge on the 18th.

The Gonads WebsiteOkay, some record noos: the new album from Les Partisans called Rallumer Tous Les Soleils (Rekindle All The Suns) is out now via Casual Records.

Sept 7. When the gentlemanly Phil Badoe heard that Wattsie’s car battery was flat, he volunteered to have the RAC fix it. Quite what Rock Against Corbyn have got to do with automobile maintenance is anyone’s guess but we’d advice caution – given Wattsie’s firm public endorsements of Jezza these rightwing rascals might actually choose to sabotage it some more. That malignant worm Fat Col was unimpressed by Phil’s intervention, suggesting the guitar-slinger might have an ulterior motive. Surprisingly Col ended his ill-tempered rant with the words “’E’s welcome to ’er!” Why so? It turns out that when Colin tried to take Wattsie up on her offer of dates she offered him a bag of dried and pitted ones from Morrison’s. This apparently was the last straw. Col tells us “She has broken my heart in 13 places,” adding mysteriously between sobs: “And one of them was Coventry.” From now on the fat fool has pledged to campaign tirelessly for “Wattsie to be permanently replaced, hopefully by Shira Girl or that Tracey bird who hangs about with Secret Affair.” He is a plum of course, but Shira can’t half sing... and as we may have mentioned she also works for a brewery. Says Phil “If she were waist high with a flat head to rest yer beer on she’d be the perfect woman.” (Sexist swine – Wattsie).

Sept 6. A great rehearsal last night. Huge thanks to brilliant James Cruttwell of the East End Badoes who will be standing in on bass for the 1st October benefit gig. And here’s a fun fact, trivia fans – James’s Dad played keyboards on the original version of ‘Stop That Drumming’ featuring the ineffable Paul Devine (Round-Dodger Number 1) on vocals. Despite that, he’s a great (temporary) addition to the unstoppable farce – sorry, force – that is Team Gonad.

It was a blinding evening spoilt only by Wattsie Watts trying to organise a walk-out in protest at her exclusion from  the US tour. Wattsie marched up and down outside the rehearsal studio holding a placard that read ‘General Strike now! Death to all tyrants! Bring down Waistrel!’, but mercifully wiser heads prevailed. Nothing will deter Wattsie from her anti-US tour activities however. Last night she actually said: “I will date Fat Col if it gets him on side in the fight to stop these blackleg dates”. In a related story a Mr. C. Gannon of Plumstead has just been admitted to Queen Elizabeth’s hospital with “severe wrist strain”.

PS Wattsie has revealed the contents of a particularly vivid dream she had on Monday night, a subject which we will return to once our resident psychiatrist, Dr. Noel Fucaine-Goode has analysed it in detail. PSS. The PM was due to pop in last night but to everyone’s surprise he did not show. Said Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner): “The PM was due to leave his Essex mansion house at 7pm last night so we are expecting him to turn up sometime around 9pm... on the 12th December.


*IF you’re coming to the New Cross Inn gig, then the venue is served by New Cross and New Cross Gate stations and buses including the 21, 36, 53, 136, 171, 172, 177, 225, 321, 343, 436, 453 and P13 – all of which stop within 100 yards of the venue. Please note: THERE IS NO GUEST LIST. It’s a benefit gig, you tight bastards. Besides it’s only a Jacks in advance or seven notes on the door. Worth it just to see Lee buy a round...

Randale have just announced the official release of the new Infa Riot album Old & Angry. Hurrah! It’s only been 35 years since their last one. But we are slightly disturbed by Diana’s claim in the press release that “the singer is a killer”. Lee could certainly murder a beer or two, if someone else is buying, but has he actually killed someone? Maybe so. One of our trusted but anonymous contributors claims Lee “may be wearing a dead man’s clothes”, adding “they certainly appear to have been around longer than he has”. We’d hazard a guess at late Dickensian. Others fear Wilson might have bumped off Chelsea Dom in order to prevent him from finishing his investigation into the troubling ‘Creepy Uncle Lee’ saga. We await word from Dom. Or perhaps his grieving widow.

The Gonads WebsiteOi! Oi! Here’s the Boot-Boys’ Xmas Knees-up poster... .

Sept 4. Huge Gonadian “thank you”s to our loyal American volunteers Jay the Tripod, Rodger Shosa and Geoff Palmer – the three brave herberts who will make up the US line-up in November. Uprisers guitarist Jay and drummer Rodger are Gonads USA veterans having performed at the now legendary TNT fest gig, while Geoff plays guitar and sings with The Connection. As for Shira (aka “the US Wattsie”) it turns out she is even more perfect for the part as the blinding blonde vocalist also works for a brewery. Gal and Clyde may never return!

The Gonads WebsiteComing up in December... it’s the Cockney Rejects at the 100 Club supported by 16 Guns and East End Promises, a 4-piece Indie rock band from Newham.

Sept 3. Matt Kelly of the Dropkick Murphys has sent US punk and Oi fans a message about our coming mini-tour. The great man issued the following statement on camera: “The Gonads are coming to the States! You’d better throw out your rubbish and lock up your dogs. It’s going to be weird.” Cheers Matt! The message has caused some confusion at Nads HQ however. Lock up your dogs? What could the drummer mean? “Maybe ’e thinks Fat Col is in the band,” sniffs Fit Bird.

In other news the mighty King Hammond has asked us to support him for a “firm-handed festive knees-up” in South London this December. The event will be organised by “Arthur Daley Promotions” he tells us, in partnership with Harold Shand and the Driscoll Brothers. We’ll announce the date when the Ts have been crossed, the i’s dotted and the legs broken. It definitely won’t clash with the annual Bootboys Xmas Knees-up which will be on the 22nd of December with an all-star line-up of the Last Resort, Infa Round-dodge, the East End Badoes & Crown Court. Safe, blad. Punks, skins & herberts – the culture is still strong.

It’s not all good times though. We have received a furious Facebook message from a concerned grandmother after her husband, a much-loved blue collar comedian “introduced our grandson to the Gonads”. She goes on, verbatim: “Aaaaarrrgggghhhhh. He fucking loves you. All I hear all day and night is ‘Your wife is fat and you’re a twat’... and bleeding Hitler wouldn’t buy a pint! He wants to see the Gonads live”. She concludes: “Sod you, Gal Gonad! I will never forgive you!” None of us will.

Record noos: Dundee’s own The Cundeez have just released a tasty new single called ‘Ehm Feeling Teckle’ which will doubtless feature on Gal’s next Rancid Sounds sonic smorgasbord... And the Stale Phish album Pole James is now out on vinyl from Not Like You Records, full of skate punk energy, laughs and aggression.

The Gonads WebsiteSept 2. Here is Clyde’s new tour t-shirt for the US dates modelled by Kid Punk...

The Professionals release a new album next month. What In The World is coming out on 27th October via Automaton Records. Steve Jones plays on three of the ten tracks. Other guest guitarists include Duff McKagen, Mick Jones, Phil Collen, Marco Pirroni, Chris McCormack and Billy Duffy. The album includes a tribute to Lemmy and Bowie, called ‘Going, Going, Gone’. There will be a special launch gig at the London Garage on 28th October... in other news, GBH release their new album Momentum on November 17th through Hellcat – the band’s first full-length since 2010’s Perfume & Piss. GBH’s US tour with The Casualties kicked off last week... and Peter & The Test Tube Babies have posted a video for their new single, ‘Crap California Punk Band’. The video was shot in sunny Hastings and features cameo appearances by Rancid main man Lars Fredericksen and Hasting's own Maid Of Ace. The track is taken from Peter's upcoming album That Shallot, due out on September 15th via Arising Empire. Here’s the vid.

A true story which Wattsie insists we publish in full. Gal woke up with an aching shoulder and bad back on Tuesday and was advised by Mrs Gonad to visit a local therapeutic massage parlour. There were two in walking distance and Gal chose the nearest and the newest which specialises in Chinese massages. He tells us: “I explained that I was in for my back and shoulder. The Chinese woman behind the jump smiled weakly, insisted on a cash payment upfront and called a stunning Italian brunette to walk me through to a dingy backroom. About 20 minutes in to the session, she asked if I’d ever had a Chinese massage before. When I replied no, she leaned into me and whispered ‘I take my dress off and give you a happy ending’.” Gal politely declined which made the stunning Italian quite indignant. “Why not?” she said forcefully. “Are you shy?” Gal explained that he had come in solely for his back and that he was in quite a bit of pain. Our bella donna believed him and went off, returning with what looked like a sauce bottle full of what she described as “a special Chinese lotion”. Gal explains: “It was a bit like Deep Heat but hotter and she poured half the bleedin’ bottle over me. I think she should only have used a drop because suddenly my back and shoulder were on fire. She realised her mistake and shot off to get some towels. I don’t think she was medically trained because she soaked them in boiling hot water before applying them to the affected area.” Even more agony ensued. His back and shoulder remained red for the best part of the day. Long story short, he won’t be going back. Fat Col on the other hand...

Sept 1. Has Wattsie Watts’s worst dream come true? We understand that Sandie West is casting for “a West Coast Wattsie” even as we speak. The early favourite is Shira, the blinding blonde vocalist with Shira Girl. But can she play the kazoo? And will there be a US Fat Col to stalk her?

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