Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Oct 26. RIP Tony “Boozy” Barker of Angela Rippon’s Bum.
Oct 25. Please note that although we will play the pure-punk set again next year, we will NOT be appearing at the 2024 Rebellion festival. Other fish to fry.
Oct 22. With great sorrow we can confirm the death of a friend. RIP David Courtney.
Oct 13. Our live double album NO MESS, NO FUSS, JUST PURE GONADS (Official Bootleg II) is released on 3rd November. You can pre-order it here: iTunes or here: Amazon if you like… More details of the launch night shindig to follow.
Oct 11. Martin Sporrell, AGM (Aggressive Gooner Management) was today suspended as Gonads manager following a direct intervention by Wattsie Watts. The incensed songbird called Lord Waistrel from her Spanish sunbed and levelled a number of serious charges against Big Mart, including the damaging claim that he was “a puppet manager, manipulated and controlled by Fat Col”. She also argued that, by slagging off members of the band and Rebellion Festival, Can-do Sporrell was doing “irreparable damage” to the Gonads’ image and prospects. Ms Wattsie traced several of Martin’s decisions – his leaked pet peeves and the “ridiculous misreporting of a made-up meeting between me and him” – directly to Col. She told the blog, “Everything about recent blog posts has the smell of Gannon – and it’s not a sweet one”. She went on. “This has been a shabby, disturbing and disappointing aberration even by the low standards of this blog.” Scrotum, Lord Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer, agreed adding, “Day-to-day band decisions are now back in the rightful, reliable ’ands of Miss Management. Han hinvestigation hinto these shocking allegations will start tomorrow leading hinevitably to a fair-minded verdict of guilty.”
STOP PRESS. This just in: Colin ‘Fat Col’ Gannon calls and cautiously admits being Martin Sporrell’s “unpaid advisor”, adding that he was motivated “only by my deep love for the band and Shona Wattsie Watts”. Told of Ms Wattsie’s fury, he replies: “I went too far. I have been a bad boy and deserve punishment, administered by her, perhaps with a spanking paddle or a riding crop, or even a quick but vigorous pegging.” We hang up.
Oct 10. Here as promised are Gonads manager Martin Sporrell’s secret Pet Peeves about current band members, discreetly taped at the Emirates stadium – Shona Wattsie Watts: hates curry and hates the Hopper’s Hut, which should automatically disqualify her for band membership; worse she consistently refuses to do the Oi Mate dance, and snubbed the vital ventriloquism act; also refused to date or marry his good friend, the suave and sophisticated Colin Gannon. Not a team player.
James ‘JC’ Cruttwell: Gillingham scarf. Enough said.
Phil McDermott: supports Palace, refuses to play Fat Cat Splat, hates putting new songs in the set and thinks five weeks isn’t long enough to learn a track that could be mastered in five minutes.
Paul Mummery: wastes too much time hanging out with a band of drunks going nowhere when he should be investing his time in a band of drunks that’s going somewhere under AGM management. Supports Arsenal so not all bad.
Gal: Ancient, bearded, moody and ill-tempered, thinks he’s in charge, likely to emigrate any day now, bad back makes him a liability.
Oct 9. In an unprecedented move, can-do Gonads manager Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) took to GB News this morning to rant, “There is no problem facing this band that I cannot solve”. Condemning yesterday’s blog report as “fake news” written by “losers”, Big Mart said he had commissioned work on a “high-tech mechanical exoskeleton” to keep Gal upright “should his back problems persist”. He also claimed to have lined up replacements for every single band member “should they keep slacking or push their luck too far”. Sporrell insisted that he would be “quite happy for the Gonads to become a studio-only band until the right dedicated line-up is in place”. He added controversially that “Flag girl auditions would still take place” saying “candidates should contact my good friends Colin Gannon and Laurence Fox”. Tune back tomorrow for Mart’s secret Pet Peeves about what he calls “current band members”.
Oct 8. Today’s acoustic rehearsal has led to an existential crisis for the Gonads, reports CBBC’s Newsround. Gal’s back was so “completely buggered” (a medical term) that he had to sing the entire set laying flat out on the studio floor on a wooden board. His acutely painful and hugely worrying condition is believed to stem from his nightmarish experiences on Sandie West’s blow-up bed on the 2017 West Coast tour. “The injuries Gal sustained on that dismal contraption have haunted him ever since,” says a concerned Effete El. “Today he hobbled into the rehearsal room looking like a cross between Joe Biden and Les Dennis on Strictly. At one point, overcome by the thrill of the songs, he tried to leap up and perform but collapsed like a pole-axed ox. He then just laid there for five minutes dribbling and muttering ‘matron’.” A grim-faced Martin Sporrell, AGM (Aggressive Gooner Management) has persuaded Lord Waistrel to shell out for emergency medical treatment using nurses from his Lordship’s private sanctuary Rubitt, Tugg & Swallow. The tight-lipped Sporrell proclaimed, “The Deptford and Sidcup gigs will go ahead even if Gal has to sing from a wheelchair. But if for any reason he can’t even do that, I have the Mary Wallopers on stand-by.” When pushed, he added, “Unfortunately I may now have to cancel all of next year’s proposed tour dates.” A source close to Gonads management tells us it’s “50/50” whether the band will even exist in its current form after Christmas. Whispering anonymously, Terence Hayes, PM, adds “Gal won’t be able to go on if his back ain’t sorted. You can’t perform like a Gonad with agonising wossname. If neither of his sons take over vocal duties, December 9th could be the Gonads’ last ever UK wossname. Repeat: last ever. And that’s proper thingamajig.” Gulp.
Oct 7. STOP PRESS: Our fearless manager Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) is so chuffed with the “global progress” he is making on our behalf that he has decided that our November 3rd album launch party in Deptford will be “free for the first thirty revellers”. So look lively, chaps and chapesses.
Oct 6. Can-do lunatic Martin Sporrell today broke off negotiations with Rebellion Festival on the grounds that their fee offers are “derisory”. Big Mart snarled, “No festival, however prestigious has the right to expect bands to play for them at a loss. Especially in a dump like Blackpool. No proper dough, no Gonads show.” Gulp. So mote it be. We guess.
Oct 5. Angered at “mischievous” reports that he is sneaking decisions out behind Wattsie’s back, Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) flew to La Caleta, Spain, yesterday, and broke the news about flag girls to her face-to-face. He told this blog that his management style was “tough, relentless and thoroughly fearless” and told Wattsie she “looked very good for 44”, asked if Kid Kazoo was her sister, and added that she was “an invaluable asset” to the Gonads’ “inevitable progress to global infamy”. Our insider (Fat Col, up a tree, with bins and a Mossad listening device) tells us “Shona was putty in Big Mart’s hands”. And to prove it, here she is la belle Wattsie waving Sporrell off minutes ago.”
Wattsie Watts “looking very good for 44” – Martin Sporrell
Oct 3. Martin Sporrell chooses today to announce that Gonads flag girls are coming back, with auditions before Christmas, and that the Nads/Slugz mini-tour is “90percent confirmed”. Why now? Possibly because Wattsie Watts jetted off on hols with her favourite daughter, Kid Kazoo, this morning. The aggressive gooner isn’t scared of Shona but told friends he “can’t stand her bloody moaning”, so her holiday is a good time to bury ‘controversial’ news with a minimum of fuss. After consulting with Clyde Ward, Big Mart also announced that he wants Gob and England’s Glory back in the punk set, and to get “great neglected classics like Cheeky Chappie, Re-Infected and Yeti” back in the public domain. His psychotic assistant, Mitch “Mutton-Eye” Morgan, said the absence of these songs from YouTube is “undeniable evidence of decades of piss-poor management,” adding “Cut that quote and I’ll cut you.” Nice.
Oct 1. Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) & Richard England present an unexpected Gonads extravaganza next month with special guests Los Santos. The gig will double as a launch party for our new pure-punk double live album – NO MESS, NO FUSS, JUST PURE GONADS: Official Bootleg II – “whether Randale supply the finished CDs in time or not,” snarls Sporrell. The show will be at the Triangle Bar, Deptford, on 3rd November. We will play an acoustic set and there will be a full ear-bleeding album playback. Ticket details to follow. Then comes the Xmas knees up in Sidcup on 9th December. “After that, we’ll get back to proper punk gigs,” promises Big Mart. But he warns promoters, “Don’t try and mug us off. There will be consequences.” Enough said.