Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Oct 26. This blog and all associated pages are now closed until further notice – by order of the black dog.
Oct 25. All early bird tickets for next year’s Punk Rock Bowling in Vegas have sold out; standard price tickets go on sale next month when the headline acts will also be confirmed. Various US fans have asked us to play at the May weekender. We’d certainly be interested. The only complication is Gal, who (once again) has fallen under the curse of the black dog and is talking about “walking away” from everything. He has left south London for south Wales where we hope the druids beat some sense into him.
Be careful who you give your number to. Chubby Lol’s militant ex-wife Sharon rings the blog hotline again to furiously call for Lord Waistrel “to be taxed until the pips squeaks” and for all street-punk bands “to be nationalised and run as workers’ co-operatives”. Pausing only to spit “capitalist bastard” at a passing bank clerk, Shazza concludes: “Escalate all strikes, bring down Rishi, axe the stock exchange, jail Boris and hang the King! One solution, revolution!” Blimey. She calls back two minutes later to ask politely where Wattsie buys her stage clothes and if it’s possible to “borrow the stage cock for research purposes”. In a related story, we have changed the hotline number…
Oct 24. News in spurts: Steve Whale rates Revolution Now! “the best ever Gonads’ album, it’s proper punk with good songs and something to say… Hopper’s Hut is a great track”. High praise indeed…Gal tells us he will write volume 3 and 4 of his Sounds Of Glory series “as soon as I’ve finished the new Harry Tyler novel”; his rock and metal book When Britain Rocked is published next month… Here are Secret Affair chatting to Eddie Piller (round-dodger) on his Modcast.
Chubby Lol suffered a furious backlash from his ex-wife Sharon for his “juvenile sexism”. We called and asked her for some inside information but instead Shazza, a member of the militant League Of Labour Skins splinter group Workers Of England, launched into a political tirade condemning Lord Waistrel and calling for new Waistrel House to be “occupied and used to house the homeless”. She went on, “Don’t despair, organise! No cuts! No closures! Kick out the Tories!” before furiously hanging up. Shazza rang back moments later to politely ask us to plug Halloween with Tim Wells and Clare Pollard at the Freedom bookshop in Whitechapel on Friday 4th November.
Oct 23. Intimate Gonads #2. Our next acoustic knees-up is ON for the 10th December in Sidcup, south east London. To reserve a table please email email@example.com. It’s a small venue so look lively chums. We aim to be on stage at 8pm but for those who want to make a night of it, there is a Travelodge in staggering distance of the gig and a Premier Inn just a ten-minute walk away. Details available by email. Bring your own crack.
Happy birthday to Pauline Black, undisputed queen of 2-Tone, who turns 69 today. What would Judge Dread say?
Oct 22. Today’s big question: who is madder, Kanye West or Sandie West?
This might be old news, but Punk Rock Karaoke returns to the Old Kent Road tonight. Apparently, it draws a big, jolly crowd, and is a lot better value for money than forking out £75 a ticket to see the Damned.
Chubby Lol rings to tell us the new single from ghoulish rockers Television Screams is out. What are they like, we ask? “Two fit birds and a pair of dopy geezers,” he replies, adding with a sniff, “I ain’t heard the record.” Tsk. It’s like having Fat Col back.
Oct 21. The London International Ska Festival Christmas Thames cruise on 3rd December has been upgraded and will now take place on the newly refurbished Dutch Master. The ship has three levels, two outer decks, two bars and two main room dancefloors. The cruise promises to deliver “the finest ska, rocksteady, reggae and 2 Tone, all while sailing the Thames and taking in London's historic landmarks (including New Waistrel House in the Isle of Dogs). Sailing times: 1-5pm, boarding: 12.45pm sharp at Tower Millenium Pier, Lower Thames St, London EC3N 4DT.
Noos: Gal and Clyde working with Micky Pugh on “an affectionate tribute to the 1970s”… King Hammond plays the Hat Factory, Luton, on 11th November with support Easydread and DJ Dr Ska… Hung Like Hanratty play the Bricklayers Arms, Norwich, tomorrow… and Hugh Cornwell’s new album, Moments Of Madness, is out today.
Oct 20. Just two days after Waistrel pulled his strings, Liz Truss has fallen. That’s the power of the Lord. A grass roots Hoxton Tom for Prime Minister campaign has begun, chiefly to poke the fear of God straight up the crinkly Khybers of our clapped-out political elite. Oi – the Party? Why not? The working class need a real voice. To order, brethren, for England and Liberty.
News flash: The Cockney Rejects play Edinburgh on 3rd December.
News flash: details of the Punk Rock Curry Club Christmas booze-up will be forwarded by the end of this month.
Oct 19. The great punk/Ska unity album is on target for release next summer – as long as every band delivers their final track by the end of February. So far, The Gonads, Neville Staple, and Millwall Roi & Arthur Kay have sent songs through. The Business are working on theirs, as are the Anti-Nowhere League and Terence Hayes PM.
El Tel has triumphantly returned to this reality after the Tel-Bot experienced an unfortunate “accident” at a south London scrap metal yard. Like Harry May, and Lord Waistrel himself, the PM should never be crossed.
Oct 18. Lord Waistrel has reacted with predictable fury to being snubbed by the London Borough of Bexley. Within minutes of hearing the news, the fuming feudalist put his beautiful twelve-bedroom Sidcup mansion, Waistrel House, on the market, and purchased a Canary Wharf apartment block as his new London “pied-à-terre”. Spitting feathers, his Lordship then put the blame for this “afront” firmly on Prime Minister Liz Truss saying “This has come from the top.” Pausing only to donate £1million to Reform UK, the good Lord ordered his underlings in the Conservative Party to renew their efforts to kick her out of power. An insider tells the blog, “I would not want to be in Liz Truss’s shoes now. When Waistrel pulls strings the British establishment jumps through hoops.”
Old Waistrel House, on the market
His Lordship’s modest purchase, New Waistrel House (second left)…
We have had a discreet inquiry from one infamous round-dodger asking how much it would cost him to have his name removed from the List Of Shame. The wretch took one look at the five-figure minimum sum and according to one onlooker, “his face drained of colour faster than Michael Jackson’s did.”
Oct 17. A red-faced council insider confirmed today that Lord Waistrel will not be honoured by Bexley Borough. It seems that through “an unfortunate accident” a banner has been erected in Sidcup high street not of Lord Waistrel but of the first Baron of Bexley. His Lordship is the first earl of Sidcup. “It was a mix-up,” the insider says. Can it be corrected? “Not in this budgetary year,” she whispers with a pleasing blush. We don’t think this will go down with his nibs, not least because this week’s News Shopper free-sheet carries the friendly headline: ‘Do One, You Nob – Bexley snubs revolting feudal parasite’. Uh-oh…
Oct 16. What an anti-climax! Within forty-five minutes of hearing word that the Beer Monster Elite were coming to take us on yesterday, a crack Gonads team assembled in the Hoppers’ Hat. The micro-pub was soon over-flowing with a firm of our most loyal supporters – Effete El, Charlton Tel, Derby Ken, Millwall Kev, Megs Barker, Chubby Lol, Hockers, The Nosher, the Yeti, Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner), Charlton Julie, Larry Lash, Curly Mark and several more including three hard-drinking brethren from Bexley Village golf branch of the Jolly Pranksters and a Sandra Bigg lookalike. Steve Whale then arrived as adjudicator. Panicking, the landlady ordered in an emergency delivery of thirteen barrels of Paulaner, ten bottles of English red, a ton of pork scratchings and a discrete case of under-the-counter barley wine. The long wait began at 3pm and continued until chucking out time. There was nary a sniff of the BME, not a sighting, not an advance scout, and not so much as a phone call. An angry Lol tells us, “Their bottle went and they were a no-show. What a useless shower, what a waste of time.” At the end of the night, the well-lubricated firm downed a round of half-pints of what was dubbed “BME shandy” in their honour and voted unanimously for the tinpot organisation to be added to this blog’s notorious List Of Shame, alongside the likes of notorious round-dodgers Spizz, Paul Devine, Lee Wilson and Eddie Piller. (Other offenders are being considered for inclusion as this blog toughens up for the coming struggle – Ed). Fun fact: the list also includes tousle-haired tosser Josh Widdecombe because his TV career as a “comedian” flies in the face of all reason.
Please note: It is possible to be removed from The List Of Shame in exchange for a cash donation – the amount reflecting how much you have ponced over the years. This sum will then be deposited into the hands of the Punk Rock Curry Club, as admirably stewarded by the likes of Judge Shed, Terence Hayes (PM) and John King, secure in the knowledge that every penny would go towards future bills and bar tabs. You would thereby swap shame for immortal fame. Those who repent will also be required to take a solemn pledge – sworn on a signed first edition copy of George Best’s autobiography, Blessed – to “drink like a man” in all social environments.
While he was there, Chubby Lol admitted he is not in love with Nona Nottsie Notts of The Go-Mads at all. “That was a wind-up that you mugs fell for,” he laughs. What fools we are. “No,” he adds. “My real bird is Clottsy – Clona Clottsy Clotts – who models strap-ons for a fetish website.” What a pain in the arse. Still, worse things happen at sea. And worse things happen in Sidcup too. We have just heard whispers that Lord Waistrel will not be honoured by the London borough of Bexley after all. The consequences for the local economy could be dire. Our ace reporter Fleet Scribbler is on the case. More news when we have it.
Yesterday’s scores: Fraser Hayes 4, Los Palmas 7. Hateful 8, Seconds Of Summer 5. Led Zep 2, Agent 51. The Magnificent 7, Inch Nails 9.
Oct 15. That sausage doesn’t look edible! This is the chilling moment that Wattsie Watts revealed what would happen to you-know-who if she ever clapped eyes on him again. It would be swift, it would be brutal and she would not use lube… (He would probably enjoy it – Ed). PS we knew she was missing the stage cock.
But who you ask is Chubby Lol? Unlike his tarnished cousin, we can reveal that the Chubster is a hard-grafting wheeler-dealer who treats women with respect. He certainly loves Charlton Athletic FC and all things Gonads, but he has no interest in turning Wattsie’s existence into a living nightmare. No, Lol only has eyes for Nona Notts, aka Nottsie, the singer with Chislehurst-based Gonads tribute band, The Go-Mads… uh-oh!
Don’t forget Jeff Turner’s one-man show rolls into “Greenwich” tonight at the Triangle Café, the magical bar which co-exists in two south east London boroughs…
Beer challenge update: Word arrives that the BME are “on the march east”. Come on then! You know where to find us.
Oct 14. STOP PRESS. RIP veteran tattooist Dennis Cockell who died earlier today aged 75. Dennis, who was about to open a new studio, inked a number of prominent folk including Steve Jones of the Sex Pistols, the Stray Cats, Gal Gonad and Bev Elliott (Soho’s Queen of Punk).
Welcome to these pages our new pal Chubby Lol, the cousin of a certain banished blog regular who will be running that unmentionable twerp’s market stall in Woolwich in the run up to Christmas (that’s Festivus to our loyal Prankster readers). No doubt Lol will be updating us with his special offers and his worldly wisdom soon… in other noos, Green Day are reissuing Nimrod for its 25th anniversary on 27th January; it’ll come with 14 unreleased demos and a 15-track live album recorded in 1997. They’ve just posted one of the unheard demos, You Irritate Me, on YouTube…
Oct 13. Brix Smith calls to remind us she is playing England imminently. Dates are: 16th, Leeds Key Club; 17th, Liverpool Arts Club (Loft); 18th, Guildford Boiler Room; 19th, London Lexington.
In a more laughable development, the so-called Beer Monster Elite have started sniping at our Drinking with The Gonads DVD project months before it’s even been filmed. Miss Management last night wasted no time in crushing these hicks from the sticks by issuing this challenge: Gal, Paul and Phil offer to take on John King, Tony Madras and any other member of the self-styled elite in an all-day Paulaner drinking contest at the Hoppers Hut any weekend of your choosing. Losers to be the first team to refuse a pint. Said Miss M, “We are happy to set a four-pints-an-hour and one short requirement but will drop down to just three pints if it helps the poor lambs.” Come on JK, shit or get off the potty, son.
Oct 12. News of a Gonads TV pilot was dismissed yesterday by cynics. Oh ye of little faith! This project is so going to happen early next year that we are going to stop mentioning until it does. We will contact friends by email to invite them along for the filming nearer the time. Audaces fortuna juvat, as Boris would say.
Noos: Green Day and Blink 182 will headline next year’s When We Were Young fest in Vegas. Good Charlotte, Rise Against and The Offspring are also on the bill. Pre-sales start on Friday… A punk rock museum will open in Vegas in on 13th January and will feature band stage clothes, Devo’s helmets, iconic guitars, amps, and Debbie Harry’s Vultures shirt amongst other things.
Oct 11. Bexley Council last night confirmed that it will honour Lord Waistrel as south east London’s most prominent and respected aristocrat this month. Waistrel, speaking from his holiday tax haven in the Cayman Islands, welcomed the move and said he is considering permanently relocating to the borough of Bexley where he owns several properties and a small wife. He told a lowly blog reporter, “One would be delighted to return to Blighty especially as my dear friend Kwasi Kwarteng is Chancellor, I taught him all he knows about economics you know.” Why are we not surprised?
Latest scores: Gang Of 4, U2. Loaded 44, Jackson 5. Fun Boy 3, Nosferatu. UB40 v Combat 84 (late kick off).
Oct 10. The news in headlines: strong interest from streaming services in a Gonads-led TV show for 2023… Wattsie Watts flies to Cyprus to write solo EP…new Cockney Rejects album, Power Grab, now available as CD, on vinyl and in box-set… Lord Waistrel “to be honoured” by south London council… Beki Bondage demands the right to become the target of spiteful/tongue-in-cheek blog posts… The Selecter’s second album, Celebrate The Bullet, to be released on vinyl on 11th November; the remastered beauty will also be available as a 3CD Box Set with additional B-Sides, unreleased live sessions and a 20-page booklet featuring band notes.
Oct 9. The latest scores: Pressure 28, Sham 69. Maroon 5, Dave Clark 5. Level 42, Matchbox 20. Section 5, Shed 7. Sum 41, Blink 182. Heaven 17, Beergut 100. Sonic Boom 6, MC5.
Random News: Iggy Pop has released a cover of Leonard Cohen’s You Want It Darker… All four Doctors Of Madness albums are about to be released digitally; the first, Late Night Movies, All Night Brainstorms, is out tomorrow… and Suzi Quatro asks, “Why am I never on your goddamn blog?”
STOP PRESS. Tel-Bot can be defeated by use of a giant magnet, say top scientists… And Gonads tribute band the Go-Mads insist they will take our place in any Sandie West Hollywood movie.
Oct 8. Good news! CDs of our new album Revolution Now! have finally arrived at Randale HQ and they will be officially on sale next Friday, the 14th. Quite when they’ll reach us is down to the vagaries of international post offices. Shall we say November, just to be safe?
Bad news! The upward swing of the ongoing Gonads revival and the general jolly mood of this newly restored blog both suffered a terrible kicking last night as Gal was savagely lambasted from all sides. One band member threatened to quit if “he even dreamed of working with Sandie West again”; another accused the self-styled Hollywood movie-maker of turning the Gonads film into a “ill-planned, long-running farce, not to mention a health and safety nightmare”. They’re right, though, aren’t they? One sympathetic band insider explained, “The trouble with Gal is he’s too trusting. He’d do anything for anyone. We have to protect him from himself.” Nuff said.
To take your minds off this fresh scandal, here as promised, is the bonus edition of Ask Gal Anything. Q) I see you are planning to release a 69-song album in 2024, doesn’t this risk being a self-indulgent mishmash like Sandinista? – asks “VLR writer”. A. Gal: “It could do but I’m aware of that risk and it won’t be. I am writing the Big 69 as five individual albums, and separating the wheat from the chaff as we go, so each album will be pukka Gonads, as good as, if not better than, Revolution Now!
Q. What is the meaning behind the Revolution Now album? – Ricky James. A. “The theme is the power the working class and working-class culture once had. It celebrates an era of union solidarity, totters, juvenile delinquency, drinking clubs, and the dream of a better world. But it also questions the failings of self-styled ‘revolutionaries’ who create new tyranny in the name of freedom. All that and banging punk anthems too!
Q. What are the biggest myths about you? – Aaron Moore. A: “The two that spring immediately to mind are first, that I only ever wrote about Oi at Sounds, which is cobblers. I wrote about everything that was happening on the streets, from the Ruts, the Skids and the UK Subs to new Mod, 2-Tone, and the New Wave of British Heavy Metal, Maiden, Motorhead, Rose Tattoo, Leppard, Ozzy... I also interviewed greats like Ian Dury, Squeeze, Phil Lynott and Debbie Harry. Of course I loved Oi and still do. It was raw, hard-hitting working-class rock, street rock’n’roll, and I’ll defend its true spirit and the bands who forged it to the death from the never-ending slurs lazy journalists slung at them. But it’s just a fraction of what I wrote about in those glorious six and a bit years...”
“The other myth is about my politics – the media see me as ‘right-wing’ and the far right see me as a communist. I’m neither. I was a Trotskyist until the mid-80s when reality changed my mind. I still get angry about the things that annoyed me back then, poverty, bigotry, the class system, but Marxism is not the answer. Every shade of socialism has been tried and has failed, often disastrously. I’m skeptical of all politicians and all ‘easy’ solutions. The best kind of societies are the freest, and most democratic, and the best kind of state is the smallest one.”
Oct 7. Proper news #1! The next full-strength and full-length Gonads headlining show is at The Venue, Southend on 21st January 2023. Ring out the old, ring in the raucous sound of tomorrow!
Proper news #2! Intimate Gonads 2 is on! Our next acoustic gig will be in sunny southeast London on 10th December. Keep that date free in your diaries, and watch this blog. It’s a small venue, and it’ll be first come, first served.
Scary news! Sandie West, Hollywood’s best, has been in touch pledging that she will finish filming the Gonads movie next year. The despotic director has also promised 1) to return to the project’s original Curry On Up The Gonads format, and 2) not to make any of us sleep on a blow-up bed in the front of her spa. “I know me and Wattsie will get on so well,” Sandie tells us. Shall we tell her, or will you?
What you missed: Gal took part in a marathon three-hour radio show with Dawn Parry on Wednesday morning, in the course of which the listeners of 365radio.co were bombarded with Oi Mate, Teeth Aht and Long Ska Summer (the latter requested by Jennie Bellestar). Sir Gonad persuaded Dawn to play Dave by Missing Andy, mourned the death of Loretta Lynn and praised young guns like the Bar Stool Preachers, Buster Shuffle and The Rawhides. Dawn also reviewed Leah McCaffrey saying she sounds “like Debbie Harry sings country”.
Elsewhere Raoul Galloway has been posting snippets of his recent interview with Gal about the glory days of Sounds on iwannabeastarrecords Instagram account…
Cheers! Blog monkeys last night drank to the health of Lord Waistrel and praised him for saving them from extinction. Said Effete El, “Thank God for Waistrel’s wisdom! If it weren’t for him then life for the likes of me, the Nosher and Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) would have become meaningless. It would have been so empty, it’d almost as if we didn’t exist anymore. But we’re saved! Hallelujah! Everyone needs the blog. Where else can you read about the Tel-Bot or Ten-Ton Tony Madras? Or our wormhole legal action against time-travelling tune-thieves the Monkees? Or recoil in horror from the rantings of the Bitch? It’s a shame to lose F** C**, but we’ll take that hit if it keeps la belle Wattsie happy. As I hear it, Waistrel is sending him over to Lala-land to work as a script editor, intimacy coach and flag girl consultant on Sandie’s movie.” (That’s his last mention, good riddance – Ed).
Tune back tomorrow for a bumper extra helping of Ask Gal Anything…we must be butter cos we’re on a roll, baby!
Oct 6. After long deliberation, during which the most esteemed Lord Waistrel applied the wisdom of Solomon to the great curry night scandal, the aristocratic nob finally reached a decisive conclusion that should not, and indeed cannot, be challenged. On one hand, his Lordship was mildly critical of Wattsie Watts saying it was “a strange overreaction to complain so fiercely about a starring role in a statement by a semi-fictional character on a semi-factual blog”. However, Waistrel concluded that “the fair maiden” has suffered enough of “the constant vexation of, and provocation by, the great dribbling oaf Gannon”; and therefore, as a stern consequence, he has banned Fat Col from this blog for the for foreseeable future – “at least six months” – and decreed that no unfavourable reference to the aggrieved party (to wit, Wattsie Watts) shall ever appear here again. Quoth the Lord, “She is a captivating but delicate flower who must be protected at all costs from the rigours of lame jokes and debilitating banter; I would gladly offer to take her as my latest wifelet in order to preserve her reputation and standing in civilised society were it not for the fact that my protective motive might be misconstrued by the gutter press in these ludicrous times when even the innocent phrase ‘comely wench’ is viewed with horror…”
His Lordship continued in this vein for some time before a court usher whispered into his noble lug-hole and he moved on to his final thoughts. Absent-mindedly putting on the black cap of execution, out of habit, the former hanging judge concluded, “In the more serious business of curry-house etiquette, after consultation with my PRCC advisor John King (of His Majesty’s Beer Monster Elite), it is hereby decreed that henceforth no member of the Gonads shalt be forced to rush his perfect pint of Paulaner in order to leave the Hopper’s Hut prematurely for a mere eating house, nor shall other band members be denied their pre-curry Paulaners by non-drinkers of any persuasion or any gender… although almost certainly female, what? Any breaking of this rule will be punished by a fine or a rapid disciplinary response, possibly involving the skirt being hoisted up to reveal the tight black panties and silk-stocking tops beneath, and a number of firm cane strokes administered tenderly by myself in my god-fearing judicial capacity… why only in 1952 I remember bending Dame Vera Lynn over this very desk and administering six of the best after she made me rush my brandy for a bowl of bally faggots and peas. And as for Diana Dors, let me tell you…” (At this point, Scrotum – his Lordship’s wrinkly retainer – led the modern-day Confucius away from the microphone. His work here was done).
SORRY. BLOG CLOSED BY ORDER OF LORD WAISTREL.
Oct 3. Lawyers acting for Wattsie Watts have challenged Fat Col’s version of the Curry Club debacle, calling it “substantially untrue, potentially libellous, unnecessarily distressful and the deranged ravings of a deprived ne’er-do-well”. Lord Waistrel immediately CLOSED this blog and ORDERED a full inquiry. GB News today speculated that the “unexpectedly ferocious backlash might mean that the reactionary feudal billionaire pulls the plugs on the Gonads blog, and quite possibly the band itself, entirely.” Club 77 spokesman Effete El called for the inquiry to be conducted quickly. “These are exciting times for the band,” he said. “It would be tragic if all were lost because of a story published on a blog that proudly boasts it is not fact-checked.” Even the normally pugnacious Fat Col seemed staggered by the scale of controversy. His defence lawyer, the Beast, said, “My client understands he has gone too far. He will, if necessary, vow never to make contact with Ms Watts again and to prove it he is already looking for other women to pester insanely.”
Oct 2. Has Hoxton Tom branched into merchandising? Here’s an exciting new wine, best served by the fistful… What are the marketing slogans though – One Loire For Them? Bread Or Beaujolais? We’re assuming it sells for £19.84 a bottle.
Here’s this month’s edition of Ask Gal Anything. “Just Trev” kicks us off asking: Who were the best bands that never made it? Gal: “Case for starters, great talent, piss-poor management. The Blood self-sabotaged, brilliant band, no work ethic. I always liked The Strike too. Even if a band has talent, so many other factors are at play – lack of backing, lack of exposure, lack of strategy, the wrong label. In the late 70s, early 80s bands were signed up way too soon. The majors swooped on the Bodysnatchers before they’d had time to gel as a band. It really can be about the breaks though. Going way back, String Driven Thing should have been bigger. Geordie rockers Beckett… Hustler were blinding... James Govan could have been a soul giant, King Hammond should be huge. I rated Alias Kid a few years back, but they never had proper backing.”
Q. Were you ever tongue-tied meeting people? – Kate Mann. A. “Yep. Joe Strummer. Phil Lynott. Debbie Harry for different reasons.”
Q. Did you ever fall in love with anyone you interviewed?, asks Sandra Fisher. A: “And there we are back at Debbie! I had a crush on Pauline Black too, unrequited, I’m sure. Beki of course, Poly Styrene... Like Weller sang, ‘life is timeless, days are long when you’re young, you used to fall in love with everyone…’
There was a secret shame behind Friday’s triumphant Curry Night meet, writes our gossip correspondent Fat Col. Although great decisions were reached, there is also an undisclosed back story that Miss Management is trying to hush up. This is a very true story: Gal was the first to arrive and was sitting in the Hoppers Hut quietly enjoying his second Paulaner when Wattsie burst in, ordered him to down his pint and then grabbed him by the ear and led him to the Darjeeling like a scolded child. Pausing only to commandeer a parking space for her daughter, Kid Kazoo, and Bluebottle, she then forced everyone to sit at the table miserably nibbling poppadoms for an hour and 45 minutes waiting for Phil McDonut to turn up before allowing anyone to order and eat. It was the most miserable curry night of all time. But then Wattsie secretly hates curry night and deliberately sucked the joy of it. As I have said before, this woman is an agent of chaos and on Friday the band saw her in her true colours, she is the Putin of punk, the ogre of Oi, the Stalin of Ska, the Rasputin of rock, the mistress of (That’s enough name-calling – Ed).
Col’s word is always to be questioned of course but our band insider confirms that “the bulk of his account is true”. Blimey. Shocking and disturbing. No wonder someone left as soon as the bill had been paid.
PS. We are looking into rumours about a tender ballad allegedly written by Gal about struggling Gillingham FC “with unpleasant words and echoes of Woody Guthrie”. Can it be true? And if it is, will JC really be forced to sing it?
Oct 1. Gal pulled off more surprises than Kami-Kwasi last night, as he persuaded a band quorum to back radical plans for next year, including – filming a DVD called Drinking With The Gonads and making a TV pilot for a project we will refer to only as The Beer-Suppers & Rumpers’ Club (those who know will know). But the shock news kept on coming as Gal announced that he has ALL of the songs for the Big 69-track box-set (due in his 69th birthday year, which starts in May 2024) either written or partially written. He also unveiled plans for an acoustic Christmas knees-up this December at the fabled Hopper’s Hut where the band’s anthem of that name will be played live for the first time. Our City expert, Rich Ricci of Greedie, Leigh & Graspin, said that unlike Kwasi’s bombshell, Gal’s plans were “well received by the market, Gonads shares have shot up like the Nosher’s skirt on Dartford Heath”. Blimey. Pausing only for Wattsie to ask, “Wait, there are Gonads shares?”, Ricci concludes, “All we have to do now is wait to see if Gal and Miss Management can actually it pull off.” Sounds painful but here’s hoping!
Gig noos: tickets still available for the Revolution Calling fest in Eindhoven next month. Confirmed acts are Sick Of It All, Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Ignite, Discharge, Cold World, No Turning Back, Rude Pride, Born From Pain, Sheer Terror, Knuckledust, Desolated, Crown Court, Violent Way, End It, Savage Beat, Donkey Dom, Lifesick, and Mess with more to be announced.
And don’t forget there is a special show honouring the memory of Tony Feedback at the New Cross Inn a week today, featuring the sham Sham, Vicious Love and Wattsie Watts singing a duet (according to these notes, she and Fat Col will be performing Renee & Renato’s romantic ballad Save Your Love, followed by Je T’aime… Moi Non Plus, but we don’t recognise the handwriting).
Word reaches us of an emergency prankster ceremony around the so-called “sacred stone of Sevenoaks”. The midnight happening, close to Toad Rock in Tunbridge Wells, saw the brethren employ the services of the legendary white witch, St Francis the Farrier. The great seer was joined by active Druids from the Medway towns using “small white wands” to perform a mystical ceremony wreathed in “huge clouds of smoke”, which, to the profane, might appear to have been generated by Benson & Hedges Superkings. Our anonymous insider (Effete El) tells us St Francis reached the conclusion that “the PM is alive but not on this dimensional plain”. Hurrah! But he cautioned, “Therefore any current sightings of Terence Hayes will in fact be the Tel-bot”. St Francis told senior pranksters to cross his palm with “polymer nifties” so that he could meditate further and “mingle with the vibrations of the multiverse” to try and discover the PM’s true whereabouts. He warns, “A great darkness is at work and only the PM’s presence can dilute it”. He went on to mention lizard men in human form but most had dropped off by then. To order brethren. Save the world, find the Tel.