Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
Oct 20. After an unprecedented all-day sitting (following a lengthy all-night dub and ganja session), Judge Roughneck yesterday decreed that this blog will “open for damn business” next month. His verdict was summed up on Sky News as “complete victory for the rebel Gonads and Lord Waistrel” and “a slap in the face for Gal and Clyde”.
Clyde & Gal “made grave errors of judgement”
Happier times: Wattsie versus the FrankenSkin in Berlin
In his summing up, Roughneck CENSURED the two veteran band members for their “reckless and infantile” decision to tour the USA in November 2017 without the rest of the band, and their “deluded and selfish” decision to work with Sandie West on “an ill-considered film” and “then bring her into this goddamn country to wreck havoc with the dreams of innocents”. He added that both had made “grave errors of judgment”. Gal was also heavily condemned for introducing West to a range of legends including Garry Johnson (Oi poet), Steve Whale (Oi guru), the PM (elite Prankster), Neville Staple (original rude boy), Fat Col (ineffable wide boy) and Stalin (loveable Mod nitwit) and “involving them in her madness”. The rowdy public hearing – conducted at the Toby Carvery at Crook Log – exploded in cheers, wild applause and ecstatic shouts of “Toby boys!” as Roughneck told representatives of Lord Waistrel and the four rebel band members that the blog could reopen fully in November. Reporters from The Times and the Daily Telegraph instantly acclaimed the verdict as “an unexpected win for the rebels… which draws the line under any further protests”. Roughneck’s long and somewhat rambling closing statement can be summed up in these bullet points:
1) Gal Gonad and Clyde Ward were “totally out of order” to tour California and Las Vegas with the so-called Gonads USA in 2017.
2)The Gonads will not now or in future have anything to do with Sandie West and/or Beachdancer Films of Venice Beach, Los Angeles, California.
3) No band member will have any further involvement with the film spuriously described as Get Your Gonads USA, although various serious film projects such as Curry On Up The Gonads and Bed Board & Boned In Berlin may still be pursued.
4) West, who is expected to be deported on Tuesday, will no longer be mentioned on the blog under any circumstances.
5) The divisive issue of the next Gonads album backstop will be solved by negotiated compromise. Fat Col’s 18 Stone of Dynamite will be recorded and released as an ‘unofficial bootleg’ but work will also continue on an official new studio album.
6) The proposed compilation Greater Hits Volume 4 will be shelved for the foreseeable future.
7) The Gonads will continue to perform on their current circuit(s) but GBX will be free to play “anywhere they goddamn please”.
8) The band calling themselves “the Gonads USA” must recognize their subsidiary nature. They will only be mentioned on this blog when and if they actually play gigs under their own steam.
9) A rebel motion to separate the band from their life-long affiliation with Charlton Athletic FC was thrown out of court.
10) Finally, the blog will reopen on November 1st as long as all parties agree that it will publish “less goddamn bullshit” and much more about “the Gonads and their punky reggae party endeavors” – as illustrated by our fine picture of Wattsie versus The FrankenSkin on stage at the Bi Nuu club in Berlin earlier this year. (We don’t know why JC is laughing – Frankie is clearly out to destroy that poxy Gills scarf!)
The full transcript of Judge Roughneck’s verdict can be found on pages 97 – 362 of this blog. Last night it was lavishly praised as “an historic triumph” by an inebriated Effete El and by Club 77 spokesman Gill Truman who said: “Look it might not be the best result, to be honest it stinks of smoke and mirrors, but at least it gets the fucking thing over with”. Only two people questioned the outcome. Nads loyalist, and self-confessed Spartan, Fat Col accused Lord Waistrel and Judge Roughneck of “hanging Gal and Clyde out to dry to distract people from Waistrel’s own mistakes”, while Corbynista Wattsie Watts asked: “Why has no one noticed that it was Lord Waistrel who shut down the blog and approved the great American folly in the first place?” and “If this verdict is such a good deal for the band, how come Waistrel and his reactionary pals are in favour of it?” Good questions. Sadly no one listened.
PS As soon as the hearing ended, bookmaker Honest John Bearcock tweeted that he had “lost a small fortune” after winning bets were placed early yesterday morning “by a posh toff and some Jamaican fella”.
In the spirit of generosity, and for a small fee, Roughneck has allowed us to publish the news that Ray Parada’s book, Somewhere Below 14th & East: The Lost Photography Of Karen O’Sullivan, has been published in the States. Karen, as many of you will know, was a New York photographer who moved to the Lower East Side to shoot punk bands and the emerging NYHC and hip hop scenes. She also started the Coast To Coast fanzine. The book packs in over 150 striking images ranging from the Clash to Run DMC, via Minor Threat, the Misfits, Iggy Pop, the Beastie Boys and Whodini (Wot? No Neil Diamond? – Waistrel). She snapped a lot of the Billies too. Sadly Karen was diagnosed with MS in the 90s and can no longer take pictures. But this book celebrates her work and a genuinely electric period in the Big Apple’s street music history.
Oct 19. In another shock development, the Hopper’s Hut management today banned “the Gonads and their associates” from imbibing on their premises for “questioning the intentions and integrity of Hollywood legend Sandie West”. Our insider, Kenny X whispers “They really believe that Sandie will make a Hopper’s Hut movie. Not only that, she is already talking to them about a follow-up film, a musical sequel where at the climax the landlady – the ravishing Mrs T – will ice skate with Jason Donovan to the sound of Especially For You. Gwyneth Paltrow has apparently signed up for it already. Mrs T is having skating lessons as we speak. West has also told them she can get them a deal to market their Double IPA in California.” Strewth. Is there no end to her evil empire? (Hope not – re-employed blog monkeys). Let’s just pray she never hears about the Sidney Arms... or the King’s Head... or the Halfway House... or come to think of it the Darjeeling... Asked about the ban, an ashen-faced Fat Col said grimly: “Where am I gonna get me Paulaner now?”
Oct 18. Extraordinary times call for extraordinary blog coverage, so with the gracious approval of Judge Roughneck, we will continue to report throughout the mounting Sandie West Crisis. Last night, the Gonads voted by a majority to REFUSE to take part in any further filming with Sandie – and instead voted to actively encourage Si Spanner to raise funds for his rival movie, Bed Board & Boned In Berlin. Spokesman Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) tells us: “Gal and Clyde were outvoted. It’s a major blow to West’s so-called Get Your Gonads USA.” (Itself a piss-poor imitation of the original film, Curry On Up The Gonads – Blog Ed). Fat Col said he backed the band’s decision 100per cent adding “I’ve got to – I’m got a part in Bed Board & Boned, and it’s a big’un.” (“It really isn’t” – Jeanette Johnson, formerly Gannon). Meanwhile a pugnacious Richie Rocker has contacted us giving us his full address – Harrison House, number 9, Penny Lane, Strawberry Fields, Liverpool, FAB4 0NO – to pass on to Sandie. Quoting Chas & Dave, Richie says “I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care if she comes round here” adding “a couple of well-polished Scouse phrases such as ‘All right love, fancy a bevvy?’ and ‘What a lovely pair of hubcaps!’ and I’ll be giving her a portion to the sweet sounds of I Lost My Love To A UK Sub!” (That’s a completely different ‘mounting Sandie West Crisis’ – Ed). In other developments, worried blog readers have asked how JC and Phil had so far managed to avoid meeting the Auntie-Christ. Well JC is living on the terraces at Priestfield Stadium and no one would ever want to go there, while Phil is apparently “making up for Gal’s abstinence by going on a monumental pub crawl with rubies and lap-dancers and t’ing”. The Gonads! We’re fucking animals!
Oct 17. Please note, Judge Roughneck has approved this post as a “damn urgent” public safety alert: Blog readers beware! Hollywood Pest Sandie West is in town. Sandie turned up in Sidcup on Sunday with a large entourage but was refused entry to the Nads HQ (London) by a furious Leah McCaffrey. Instead she descended on the Hopper’s Hut, pictured (notice the Satanic glow and tremble, oh our brothers and only friends). Later she and her mob – including her dad, her minder and a nice Barbadian lady wearing pebble glasses – forced entry into Steve Whale’s home. Since then West’s forces have advanced on properties belonging to Garry Johnson (Oi poet) in Essex, Paul “Stalin” Hallam in Surrey and the PM (who was wossname) backed by reinforcements including her hitherto unmentioned brother Randy West. She was repulsed at Nads HQ (Whistable) by Fat Col and Charlton Tel and at Excalibur Castle in Plumstead by forces loyal to David Courtney.
A trembling Col is advising all blog readers to “exercise extreme caution”. He tells us “Sandie lures the unsuspecting into lengthy business meetings during the course of which they are hypnotised into believing she will make their movie dreams come true. We know she has the home addresses of Chelsea Dom, Lee Wilson and JK Herbert. And Richie Rocker is next. Paul Power and Wattsie Watts have gone into hiding in West Wales. No one on this blog is safe.” He added: “We believe she may actually be a succubus who feeds on dashed hopes, shattered dreams and the ensuing long hours of inevitable frustration.” In extreme cases, she is believed to use her devilish wiles to excite and sedate base men (like Stalin). Sandie West is believed to currently have 97 “film projects” in development, now including Hopper’s Hut: The Movie. Col tells us: “She wanted to meet me for four hours but I am not leaving ’kin’ Whistable until she leaves the ’kin’ country.” Files on Miss West’s activities have been handed to Scotland Yard, TV’s Watchdog and living god David Icke. So mote it be.
Oct 11. Message from Judge Roughneck: ‘This damn blog has been prorogued. What the damn hell are you damn fools doing on here updating it? Close the damn thing down now or face MIGHTY charges of contempt and sedition.’ Gulp. So mote it be!
Oct 10. This can’t be right. As soon as Paddy Power announced they were taking bets on the outcome of the blog prorogue case, a man with a heavy Jamaican accent phoned through a £100 wager at 20/1 on the blog staying shut until October 31st. He gave his name as “Roughneck, J...ud Roughneck, goddammit.” (We’re told the same man called back 15minutes later asking for the odds on The Crown Versus Two-Fists Maloney, taking a £50 punt on “bound over to keep the damn peace” at 5/1.)
Spotted today: Lord Waistrel entering the London Palladium with “two leather-clad German seductives”. He was apparently trying to get US on this year’s Royal Command Performance. Our showbiz source tells us: “Waistrel very nearly persuaded the organisers too. He was talking about a big band line-up of the Gonads performing swing versions of Alconaut and Infected, with dancing girls, backing singers, fire-eaters and a partially disabled euphonium player called Belinda. He’d have clinched the deal too if it hadn’t been for an unfortunate #MeToo incident with a performing seal in the orchestra pit.” (The short-sighted Waistrel had apparently mistaken the poor creature for the Nosher).
Oct 9. Hollywood pest Sandie West is here and is attempting to film people for Flowers In The Dustbin, a documentary she said she’d finished two years ago and has in fact shown at numerous obscure film festivals. Says our insider: “West is now in the Guinness Book Of Records having over-taken Cecil B DeMille in the category of ‘longest running feature film in the making’...”
Sandie has also apparently being spreading the word that Gal has had to stop drinking after catching an unmentionable disease and now lives in monastery in France “with the monks who make cranberry juice”, and who by all accounts beat themselves at 4pm every afternoon with a rolled up copy of the Jeremy Corbyn allotment newsletter, Nettles For All, “while singing Bohemian Rhapsody in a falsetto voice”. An ashen-faced Steve Whale tells us “If the rumours about Gal are true, I will call an urgent meeting of the 1805 Committee and pass a verdict sentencing him to back-to-back episodes of EastEnders FOR ONE WEEK with no parole.” Blimey. That’s harsh.
Good luck to the Cockney Rejects as they head out for their Australian tour dates, starting at Adelaide’s Enigma bar on Friday 11th and ending at Sydney Factory Theatre on the 26th. (Col asked Wattsie if Jeff was “big down under”, but just like when he asked her to pose for his Life Drawing class, the divine Ms Watts refused to be drawn...
OCT 8. Fat Col calls close to tears. “I’ve just watched Gal go into a Wetherspoons and drink a non-alcoholic lager... with a lemonade chaser,” he gasps. “The shock almost killed me. It was sadder than a Palace scarf. This could be the end of days.” It could. Meanwhile messages of sympathy for Gal Gonad’s booze-free plight rolled in from no less than three blog readers yesterday. First big-hearted John King (BME & bar) offered to meet our leader weekly in a London pub where he would helpfully drink Gal’s beer as well as his own all night “to keep him healthy”. Then concerned band members Paul Power (formerly SkaNad) and Clyde Ward (pictured below in Waistrel’s own Golden Goblet studio in Cyprus) contacted Fit Bird with the loving and caring message: “Oi, if Gal ain’t boozing can we have the potcheen?” What great pals..
Oct 7. Terrible news. Seriously lousy. Worse even than the endless blog proroguing saga. Gal’s doctor has today officially banned him from drinking alcohol. Read that again and weep. The GP insists that for an unspecified time, no booze can pass Gal’s lips. Not a lager top. Not a cheeky light ale. Not a humble pint of Stella, even if by some miracle it had been bought by Lee Wilson. He is genuinely Banned From The Pub! An ashen-faced Beast tells us “This is a devastating blow. The Gonads are a drinking class band. If you cut us, we bleed mead. A needless ban like this will ruin our reputation. It could be the end of us.” A shocked Fit Bird added: “Gal is proper traumatised, in’e? Not only does it turn his life upside down, it’ll nobble the takings at the ’Oppers ’Ut not to mention sales of breakfast cider at ’is local newsagents.” Meanwhile Fat Col furiously blasted “so-called doctor” Lavinia accusing her of either being “a complete quack” or “in the pay of a jealous rival band”. As the news broke, Gal was summoned to the On The Lash club HQ where, in scenes reminiscent of Branded, he was stripped of his bottle opener and collapsible stein. Seeking to calm the situation, The Beast stated: “Despite these unwelcome complications, the Gonads will still be playing the 100 Club gig on October 26th as we are fairly confident the audience will not be heavily armed.”
Terrible news 2: The controversial court hearing into this prorogued blog has been suspended – not due to fears of further street protests but because Judge Roughneck stopped for a mixed meat special at Zehir Kebabs in Belvedere late on Friday night and is believed to have accidentally consumed two fingers of “John King” condemned veal. The hearing shall resume behind closed doors once he has recovered from the stomach pump ordeal.
While we’re here, Booze & Glory have announced a 10th Birthday Bash in London on November 2nd at The Electric Ballroom in Camden. The full line-up is Booze & Glory + Roy Ellis + Giuda + Perkele + The Filaments + The Baboon Show + The Analogs + Liam Marr + Dom’s IBS + Riskee & The Ridicule. Tickets here. Their new album Hurricane is out later this month.
Oct 6. RIP. Ginger Baker. The brilliant Cream drummer, who later played with Hawkwind and Public Image, died this morning aged 80. Peter’s family announced last week that the Lewisham-born legend was critically ill in hospital, adding that he was “holding his own”. A post on his Twitter account today said simply: “We are very sad to say that Ginger has passed away peacefully in hospital this morning. Thank you to everyone for your kind words over the past weeks.”
Hollywood pest Sandie West has announced that she will be in London next weekend. That’s great. Thanks for the notice. It gives everyone plenty of time to hide.
Oct 5. Three band members and Miss Management met for a Ruby last night under the watchful eye of Gonads security officer Aitch. Gal argued that the four “constituted a quorum” and proceeded to table a number of controversial motions on behalf of Lord Waistrel which will “be revealed in good time”. All were passed. The meeting also heard an impassioned plea from a passing Fat Col who argued forcefully for the 18 Stone Of Dynamite album option before treating shocked diners to an X-rated “comedy” routine including such gems as: “Why does Lee Wilson watch porn films backwards? Because he likes the bit where the hooker gives the money back” and “How is climbing a mountain similar to getting a blow job from Vi Subversa? Both are fantastic as long as you never look down.” Surprisingly, rather than being chucked out Col was immediately booked to open for Jimmy Jones in Hornchurch.
Oct 4. There were shocking scenes in Woolwich today as a mighty crowd of furious Gonads fans surrounded the south east London court house, led by the man himself Fat Col. Fleet Scribbler writes: The air was filled with angry chants as the vanguard of the Gonads’ Club 77 loyalists were joined by a party of South London Pranksters, Tucker’s Ruckers veterans, the “on-the-lash” boys from Sevenoaks, the old Victoria Way firm, members of the Wattsie Watts fan club, a delegation from the Max Miller Society and three wannabe flag girls from Plumstead wearing ‘We want 18 Stone of Dynamite’ t-shirts and authentic ‘Infected’ knickers. The placards told the story: ‘Bring back the blog!’, ‘Gonads till I die!’, ‘I stand with Richie Rocker!’, ‘Brexit not Blogsit!’, ‘Revolution Now!’, ‘Aliens Against Waistrel’, ‘Harry May’s guns don’t argue’, ‘Free beer for all the workers!’ and (more puzzlingly) ‘Down with the Waistrel/John King alliance!’
The mass picket, codenamed Operation FrankenSkin, included a drive-by organised by the Charlie Chester motorcycle club of Upper Dicker. It brought the whole of Woolwich to a complete standstill (until the pubs opened). In the evening, the protestors marched on to Indus Road, Charlton (the historic home of Gonadery). Here they were joined by a mob calling themselves the Carnivore Crusaders who tried to denounce BME leader John King over the public address system, saying he had “failed the movement” by not launching his People’s Party of Great Britain “at a crucial time in British history”. An eyewitness reports: “Fat Col turned off the speakers and rightly told them to fuck off, saying ‘This demo is about the blog and nothing else’.” (The Crusaders stormed off to Hornfair Park where their leader, Chainsaw Charlie, proceeded to carve a two ton slab of condemned veal into a scaled down replica of King, which was then cut up and feed to some of Charlton’s many rabid wild dogs, although some of the meat was sold on to Zehir Kebabs of Belvedere). At the end of the rally, Fat Col promised there would be “more marches, more protests, more pickets, more aggro” until this mighty blog is “fully operational”.
Oct 2. Sad to hear that Barrie Masters has gone, aged 63. On their website the Hot Rods state: “This sudden news is a huge shock to the band and family”. Watch Gal’s blog for a proper obituary.
Oct 1. The Punk Rock Curry Club was out in force last night. Among the multitude were Soho organiser Cass Pennant, Robin Guy (good to see you back, mate), Paul SkaNad and Miss Management, the Anti-Nowhere League, the two Steves – Whale and Kent, Lee “Round-dodger” Wilson, JJ Kaos from the Last Resort, Connor Kaos from Rat’s Nest, Terence Hayes (PM), John King, Chelsea Dom, Mandy Crow, Jessica Rush from Bite Me, Max Trojan and very briefly a passing Gal Gonad... all of the pictures in focus below were taken by official PRCC photographer Jim Jimmy James.
The riotous night kicked off in the Crown & Two Chairmen in Dean Street and progressed via the salubrious Sunset Strip to the nearby Gopal’s curryhouse. As usual, the south London massive vastly outnumbered the so-called Beer Monster Elite (one-man, no dog). But what few realise is the real schism inside the Club is not between South and West London at all. We can reveal that a small group of leading members (thought to include Steve Whale, Lars Frederiksen, Gal, Terry Hayes (PM) and Fat Col) have been quietly plotting a complete take-over by the so-called Toby Boys. And if they are successful, the next meet will not be at an Indian Restaurant but at a Toby Carvery where the PM will welcome them in with a brand new version of Poplar Boys. To wit: We are the Toby Boys! You can keep your saveloys! (continued the Hopper’s Hut).