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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

The Gonads Website

Oct 31. Happy Halloween from the beer monsters of Oi, your pals The Gonads....

Gal & the fearsome FrankenSkin

The Gonads Website

Gore Blimey! It’s Leah McCaffrey
The Gonads Website

Count Gal & devil woman Wattsie Watts

The Gonads Website

Meanwhile as the backlash against sex pests rages throughout showbusiness and world politics, we are shocked to discover that Fat Col has been suspended from all duties at Nads HQ. This surprise development follows a series of complaints about harassment and lewd comments from a number of women associated with the band. Col’s alleged crimes include 1) a long history of obscene (and physically unlikely) propositions. 2) An even longer history of obscene phone calls and 3) Penning a series of foul odes, including one to Locksbottom Lorna which includes the puerile line ‘Oh Lorna, I’d love to adorn her, with large portions of horn ahhh’. He is also said to have sent the same juvenile Valentine’s verse to Shona Wattsie Watts five years running, to wit: ‘Oh Shona, I really fancy you, like every other mister; how about we get together for a threes up with your sister?’ A spokesmen for the traumatised sisterhood tells us: “Fat Col is a disgrace. He should be locked up. It’s not the harassment that wears you down so much as the constant begging...”

Oct 30. Oi! Here is our mate King Hammond with the Trojan-loving black sheep skins at his Hope & Anchor “book lunch” on Saturday. We’d suggest you purchase his alter ego Nick Welsh’s The Life & Times Of A Ska Man double lively, or these friendly fellas will want to know why.

The Gonads Website

Oct 28. Work on the new collection of Gal’s lyrics ground to a halt last night after it was discovered that Fat Col had hacked into the manuscript and inserted lewd additions of his own. Naturally they are too base to even think about reprinting here, but if we tell you the bloated buffoon wrote a new middle eight for ‘Mistress Material’ which managed to rhyme Shona with “bone her” and suggested she beds him “like Bar did with Sid, just to break the spell – I won’t kiss and tell... reverse cowgirl as well” you’ll get the picture. And Miss Management certainly won’t want to hear about the changes the obnoxious oaf had made to ‘She Can’t Whip Me’. Col’s actions are thought to be revenge for the Lovely Lucinda incident although it’s just as likely to be a genuine reflection of his perverted mind. That boy, as Babs said in Animal House, is a p-i-g pig. As a result, the booklet is now said to be only 75per cent likely to be completed in time for Christmas.

Oct 27. More cause for confusion and concern on the US film project as dictatorial director Sandie West bombards us with confusing emails. ‘Should we drive down to San Francisco for a gig on the free day,’ she muses. ‘Or up to Seattle... ’ (a mere 19 hours away!). Terence Hayes PM tells us: “Wattsie is quite right. This is the worst planned expedition since Napoleon marched on Moscow. Gal and Clyde should cancel this whole fiasco while they have the chance. The tour is plainly designed to kill them off.” Unfortunately it’s too late to sound the retreat as our American Gonads compilation has been manufactured and is already winging its way to the West Coast. Track listing and pre-order details to follow, along with Bear Grylls’s tips on how to survive the coming ordeal.

The Gonads WebsiteHere is the legacy of Bolshevism considered and reviewed by an earlier Gonads line-up, ahead of the 100th anniversary of the Russian Revolution. “Lenin falsified Marx,” explains passing anarcho-syndicalist Sandra Lane. “The revolution was doomed from the off. And by the way, all the TV bods, writers and bloggers commenting on it now are premature. The October Revolution actually happened in November. D’oh!

Noos: 9 Below Zero tour the UK next April and May; the r’n’b legends will be playing their debut LP, Live At The Marquee, in full... Stiff Little Fingers play Australia and New Zealand next February... The Adicts have released a video for their song ‘Picture The Scene’, from their soon-come album And It Was So! You can find it on YouTube.

Oct 26. Wattsie and Miss Management have blocked a move to book a burlesque stripper called the Lovely Lucinda to perform on stage with us at the New Cross Inn show on 8th December. The instigator of the scheme, Fat Col, last night condemned their intervention as “feminism gone mad”. Col tells us: “These people are philistines. The Lovely Lucinda is an artist engaged in a serious art project. Her moves would have added class and sophistication to the show. She also has fantastic knockers.” Oaf.

Record Noos: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ 1991 ep ‘Where’d You Go?’ b/w ‘Sweet Emotion’ has been re-released on coloured vinyl by Taang!

STOPPRESS. Fats Domino has died. Ain’t that a shame. R.I.P. big man.

Oct 25. Last night’s Punk Rock Curry Club was a huge success with a 20-strong throng in attendance including all of the Anti Nowhere League plus members of the Last Resort, half the Gonads (natch), Infa-Riot, the East End Badoes, the Business, Sham 69 and the Crows along with Miss Management, Steve Drewett from the Newtown Neurotics, Max Spartan and photographer Jim Jimmy James. The night was not without controversy however. For starters, the South London Pie & Mash Massive claimed “total victory” over John King’s so-called Beer Monster Elite after the entire BME “bottled out” of the meet in Whitechapel, east London. Despite King’s claims that the BME had been in the Brick Lane area “since Monday” NOT A SINGLE MEMBER made it to the Good Samaritan boozer, let alone on to the world-famous Lahore Kebab House. Instead PRCC organizers were deluged with apologies for absence from the self-styled Chelsea hardcore – John King (bad back), Judge Shed (working out of town), Two-Ton Tony Madras (crochet lesson), Barnet Mark (needlework class – Are you sure? Ed). SLP&MM spokesman Steve Whale condemned the BME (who he renamed the Big Milk Enthusiasts) as “tightwads and lightweights”. Swept along by the exuberance of the crowd, Gal Gonad then jumped to his feet and called for an immediate vote on the location of the Christmas PRCC meet – John King had been lobbying for Whitechapel, but those present voted by an overwhelming majority for Sidcup. So mote it be. Other apologies for absence were received from The Beast, Vince Riordan, Garry Johnson, Shona Wattsie Watts, Buddy Ascott, Dave Cairns, Richard England, Phil Badoe, Steve English, Buster Bloodvessel, Jai Hadgraft, Cass Pennant, Fat Col, Fatty Lol and Paul ‘Stalin’ Hallam. Terence Hayes (PM) commented, as he is wont to do: “Gentlemen in England now a-bed, shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap while any speaks that ate with us upon Curry Club Day.” To order, brethren, step off with the left foot...

The Gonads Website
The Gonads Website
The Gonads Website
The Gonads Website
The Gonads Website
The Gonads Website
The Gonads Website

Oct 24. Ahead of tonight’s PRCC meet, members of the South London Pie & Mash Massive have pledged to match John King’s so-called Beer Monster Elite “pint for pint and short for short”. “The BME are already in the Brick Lane area,” blusters King. “One pub already closed after a ‘disturbance’. Main BME heading over for opening time today.” “Propaganda!” snorts SLP&MM spokesman/poltroon Fat Col. “We’re fighting fit with a mighty thirst.” Let battle commence!

In less contentious news, Barnet Mark’s Cock Sparrer/Bar Stool Preachers split single, the latest release in The 12 Bar Legacy Collection, is due out next week. More details to follow.

Wattsie calls. She is unable to leave home because she keeps hearing disabling bursts of bagpipe ‘music’ that aren’t really there. Blimey. Three possible explanations occur to us. 1) R.D. MacGonad is back, very pissed and out for revenge 2) Sandie West has enlisted the witches of California to engage Wattsie in a mighty transcontinental magical battle or 3) Most far-fetched of the lot, she’s suffering from a rare form of tinnitus. We know what we believe. Get well soon, you saucy sorcerer. Tumultum exumai, and all that.

Here as promised is Gal’s review of Matt Worley’s new book No Future: Do we need another book about Punk and its politics? Herds of donkeys have already had their hind legs talked off on the subject. Surely, you’d think, there’s nothing left to say. And you’d be wrong. Matt Worley has everything to say about it and he says it at some length. This is the most detailed study of the ideological undercurrents of punk rock ever written, the result of years of meticulous research and forensic analysis. Worley covers class, feminism, Rock Against Racism, the Falklands, gay issues, CND, anarchism, Ulster and more, with quotes from everyone from McLaren to Mark E. Smith via Oxford University drop-out Penny Rimbaud and Hoxton Tom. The contentious matter of indie labels versus majors gets re-aired too, with alternative views expressed by the Redskins (who signed to Decca), the Gang Of Four (EMI) and Scritti Politti (Rough Trade). As Matt is Professor of Modern History at the University of Reading, this is of course an academic read, but it’s an accessible, engaging and even-handed one, backed up with no less than 86 pages of notes. My only criticism is that it doesn’t consider those for whom the politics was all hot air and flimflam, and what really mattered was the music. The Damned, the Stranglers, The Lurkers, the Toydolls, and the Anti Nowhere League immediately spring to mind. The doctrinal chasm between Conflict and the art school revolutionaries of 1976 is dwarfed by the musical Grand Canyon between Discharge and the Undertones. 9/10.

Oct 23. The Gonads USA gig scheduled for the Five Star Bar, Los Angeles, on 17th November has mysteriously vanished from next month’s tour itinerary. When pressed, Hank – one of the weasels working for Sandie West – blusters that the venue was too close to our Viper Room show. But we suspect the hidden hand of a.n.other. Storm Brian has nothing on the destructive power of Hurricane Wattsie and the ancient witches of England.

Meanwhile Gal has been busy doing interviews to promote the movie. They’re all mashed together here.

OCT 22. The war of words between Wattsie and Westie has taken a turn for the worst. This blog has seen the casting specifications for the film – now unilaterally renamed Get Your Gonads USA. Sandie is casting for US actors to play Paul SkaNad and Phil Badoe, she’s even looking for an Annie Auldiron, but there is not a single mention of Wattsie Watts. The iron-willed director has written her out of Gonads history – much as Stalin did to Trotsky. A Hollywood insider whispers: “Sandie West is aware of Wattsie’s campaign of sabotage and this latest twist is West reminding this gobby upstart who is boss. Shona may have the street support, but in the edit suite Sandie will be the only one calling the shots.” In a further blow to Wattsie’s campaign, Lord Waistrel and a gang of his aristocratic buddies (Lord Wrathchild, Lady Muck, Lord Luvaduk, Baron Fitzsally and others) formerly backed Sandie West’s vision of the movie “no matter how misguided it may be.” Dark days, chums.

VINYL noos: Lars Frederiksen & The Bastards will release a ten-track live Live & Loud on 25th November, via Hellcat and Pirates Press. The tracks are: Dead American, Anti-Social, Campbell CA, Army Of Zombies, Wine & Roses, Leaving Here, Skunx, To Have And To Have Not, 6 Foot 5 and Vietnam... James Alex from Beach Slang has released vinyl album We Were Babies & We Were Dirtbags as Quiet Slang featuring the band’s most moving numbers performed solo occasionally with recourse to a cello (Polyvinyl Records)... Agnostic Front’s Another Voice has been re-released on coloured vinyl by Germany’s Strength Records.

The Gonads WebsiteOct 21. Here is a brand new paparazzi-snatched shot of Hollywood big-shot Sandie West by her pool in full Baby Jane mode. The tyrannical West has re-written the shooting order for the controversial US schedule demanding that the Gonads USA play an additional acoustic set in a Los Angeles curry-house, film in a Las Vegas brothel and take part in a live TV show at 3am UK time just hours after our boys land. “Sleep is for wimps,” she sneered cracking her bullwhip. Sandie has also lined up no less than 27 meetings for them with various agents and studios, plus casting sessions and live vlogs. When our liaison officer Effete El (the fighting poov) questioned the schedule, he was told “What Hollywood wants, Hollywood gets!” Unfortunately we fear that Gal and Clyde are strictly Cricklewood, or at a pinch, Holyhead. They certainly aren’t going to like the next twist... Sandie just announced: “There will need to be a spa day to clean them up before we start shooting! There will be mud wraps and facials with chakra healing so they are calm for camera.” Calm for the camera? They’ll kick the bleedin’ thing into touch and head for the nearest backstreet boozer! In the distance, a demure Wattsie Watts smiles to herself and nods her head. Her meeting with the Ancient One went as planned, Wattsie’s revenge is starting to happen...

In other noos: the Bad Manners 100 Club gig on 16th December is now sold out; some tickets left for the 18th at Under The Bridge... the debut single from Jenny Woo’s Holy Flame is out now, from Randale, a three song e.p. with 100 copies in red vinyl... Randale also have the Ejected’s new Game Of Survival LP on vinyl... and Undercover Festival is back at Dreamland, Margate next year. Sham 69 and the Blockheads are confirmed for the two day fest on 13th and 14th of April. Other definite bookings include Eddie & The Hot Rods, Roddy Radiation & the Skabilly Rebels, Sonic Boom Six, XSLF, Menace, Chelsea, Donkey Dom, Crisis, and Peter & the Test Tube Babies.

The Gonads WebsiteOct 20. Here’s a shot of the two Steves – Ignorant and Whale – at the launch of Matt Worley’s incisive punk book No Future in East London on Tuesday night. A review is bound to follow.

Oct 19. Okay the satirical and historic union of scribes, scribblers, screenwriters and hacks (SHUSSSH) who bring you this blog genuinely accept there is no truth at all in the outrageous claim that Gal and the PM went to Marillion’s Albert Hall concert last Friday in a misguided attempt to persuade Fish (who left the band in 1988) to write lyrics for the new Badoes album. But what if it were true? Would it really be that bad? We reckon El Tel would do a terrific job on songs like ‘Hoxton Square Heroes’, ‘Rayleigh’ and ‘Tab for Lee Wilson’s Beers’. And there’s a few venues known to all of us that could be described as a ‘Thugs’ Khazi’. Besides, anyone who thinks Marillion are “soft” should listen to Steve Rothery’s lead guitar break on ‘Sugar Mice’ and get over themselves. And that’s all we’re saying on the matter.

Another day, another threat to the US tour, which we’ll sum up simply as ‘their rider and ours’. Here is Sandie’s suggested backstage rider, the one she’s sent to promoters: pandan pancakes, kelp and kombu, purple ube, still water and Jun. And here is the rider Gal and Clyde asked her to send out: steaks, kebabs, mutton madras, pies, cider and best bitter. Nope, can’t see a problem there.

Oct 18. R.I.P. Iain Shedden, drummer with The Jolt, the Small Hours and The Saints, and an all-round nice guy. Here is his obituary from the Australian where he’d worked as a music journalist for the last three decades.

Richie Rocker calls it “the greatest odyssey since Max Splodge’s Search For The Seven Golden Gussets, the Hunt for Red October and the Quest to find Lee Wilson’s wallet put together”. But after five long days we can finally reveal that the suspense and agony are over! Yes, The Bushwhacker took precisely three hours and 17 minutes to locate Gal and Terence Hayes, PM, last night. He found them, you’ll be surprised to hear, in Awkwright’s bar in Rainham, Essex. It was 2am and they were asleep on a snooker table and a barmaid respectively. Which leaves two unanswered questions: where had they been and why did they put us through all of this? Their spokesman, the great Cockney comedian Micky Pugh, tells us cryptically that the answer can be found on track 15 of All The Loonstompers... which, as most of you will know without even having to look, is Avoid The Vexation Of Women. Is that really true? We think it must be. For the alternative explanation is being whispered in only the blackest corners of the dark web – that the pair had gone to Knightsbridge on Friday night to meet up with Fish (who they view as a fellow poet and kindred spirit), unaware that he’d actually left Marillion in 1988 nearly 30 years previously. Once the penny dropped, the rumour goes, they could not bear the shame of that story being made public and consequently went on the run to distract attention from the pitiful reality. That’s obviously way too far-fetched to be believable.

Oct 17. A limited edition twelve track best-of compilation album called American Gonads will be rush-released Stateside in conjunction with next month’s US excursion by Black Hole Records of Philadelphia. The brilliant comp is described by a passing simpleton as “the greatest hits of the three Greater Hits albums presented in pure punk for row people stylee”. More details will follow. This is top news right? Even Waistrel couldn’t object to this, could he? Except even as we press ‘post’ we get an email from Shiragirl’s people with her list of demands for the coming Californian adventure. These include, and we quote ‘two-hour band meditation sessions prior to all performances’, daily 6am beach yoga classes, zero alcohol backstage and food ‘in keeping with the three-wave California diet’. “The ’ole tour is in danger,” sighs Fit Bird. “It’s just as well Gal’s still on the missing. ’E’ll go Garrity when ’e sees this an’ that’s a fact.”

As you will have gathered, there is still no sign of the disappearing duo. We are being inundated with so many reported sightings it’s hard to tell what is real and what is fake news. Gal and Tel have apparently been seen “looking for potential Olympians” at a Tilbury pole-dancing club, “abseiling in Lowestoft”, “in talks with Catalan rebels” and “at a dress rehearsal for Verdi’s grand opera Les vêpres siciliennes at the Royal Opera House”. Gal has also allegedly been “head-butted by a dog and has the bruises to prove it” (we have no idea if this happened in Tilbury). Both men are due to be guests of honour at tonight’s launch for Matt Worley’s punk and politics book No Future at Rough Trade East, along with Steve Ignorant. If they don’t show there we shall have to scramble the Bushwhacker – the great detective whose real life story inspired the fictional adventures of Harry Tyler (The Face) – to track them down as a matter of urgency.

Record Noos: Hi Fi Spitfires release their new five track EP, Doors To The USA, next month – their first new material since their 2014 Nightraid LP. They’re also bringing out a numbered limited edition red vinyl edition of their debut album, England Screaming, in December... Long Island punks Iron Chic are streaming their new album, You Can’t Stay Here, out now via SideOneDummy... Frank Turner’s Best of compilation, Songbook will come with a bonus disc of re-jigged versions of his older ditties and a brand new number called ‘There She Is’.

Oct 16. Cheers for all your sightings of the mysteriously missing duo Gal and Terence Hayes, PM. Thanks to your messages, we have been able to piece together a pretty solid record of their known whereabouts over the last 72 hours. We’ve had confirmed sightings of both fugitives together at the Gloucester and the Paxtons Head in Knightsbridge on Friday and a rumoured sighting of them in the Stella Artois bar at the Royal Albert Hall (which is clearly ridiculous as prog rock stalwarts Marillion were playing that night). The pair appear to have stayed in north London overnight as they were spotted in Gerrards Cross, South Bucks, the following morning “in the company of Joe Pasquale” according to one credible source. They are then said to have gatecrashed the book launch for Colin ‘Superyob’ Edmonds’s new steampunk novel The Lazarus Curiousity, but were not seen again until the early evening when we have a confirmed sighting of the PM in Thorpe Bay, Essex, “drinking with Steve Burgess of Cock Sparrer”.

On Sunday, an anonymous caller claimed to have seen our missing persons at the Delgado restaurant in Penketh but we suspect that was just a cheap ploy to crowbar a plug for the celebrated Italian eaterie into Britain’s brightest punk-and-Oi blog. No-one seems to know what the two are up to. Not even Fit Bird. Naturally conspiracy theories are already developing quite a head of steam. These include claims that Gal and Tel are “filming for the next series of Celebrity Hunted”, or “putting together dates for a 2018 Gonads/Badoes tour”, or “gathering a people’s army to oust the scheming Remoaner establishment” or even simply that they’re “engaged in vital Jolly Pranksters business on a need-to-know basis”. There could be an alternative explanation however – la belle Wattsie Watts suspects that the pair are “on a secret reconnaisence mission for Sandie West”, but we dare not explore that theory here for fear of igniting Lord Waistrel’s considerable wrath.

Gig Noos: Legendary Jamaican roots reggae combo Culture, of Two Sevens Clash fame, play three English dates next month in Bristol, Manchester and London, coinciding with the 40th anniversary of that fine album... Roddy Radiation & his Skabilly Rebels are at the 100 Club in January 2018, tickets are on sale now... and Fat Col’s fave 1970s rock band Atomic Rooster play a one-off gig at Under The Bridge on 20th Jan to remind us all that “death walks behind you.”

Oct 15. So we get contacted by this student union guy who wants to know if the Gonads would play colleges. This is the conversation as it happened. Yes, we say. “Oh cool guys,” the div replies. “We think ‘Oi Mate’ is really funky. There’s just one small thing – would you be able to apologise for your past before we make any bookings.” “Apologise for what?” says tour manager Martin Sporrell, aggressive gooner (for it is he). “Well homophobia for one,” he replies. “That ‘Hitler Is An ’Omo’ song is a bit much.” Martin: “You know it’s an anti-Nazi song don’t you?” Student Div: “Yuh, but gay people might find it offensive.” “Okay, well, we don’t want that.” “And the sexism. The way you objectify women in songs like ‘Sandra Bigg (Really Big’) is quite frightful.” “You know she’s a real woman and she absolutely loves the nuts of that song?” “Uh, even so you have to see the bigger picture.” “Is there any money in these college gigs?” “Yuh.” “Okay, we’re sorry for that too.” “And, uh, y’know, you should drop ‘England’s Glory’ and ‘British Steel’, they’re a bit xenophobic.” “No they ain’t.” “We’re not really all that keen on expressions of patriotism.” “No? Well go fuck yerselves.” Well said, that man.

In good, positive, guaranteed movie-free news we can confirm that a second book of Gonads lyrics will be on sale by the first week of Christmas. Punk Rock Will Never Die will be packed rigid with at least 40 song lyrics, possibly more, including gems such as ‘Dying For A Pint’, ‘SE7 Dole Day’ and ‘The Greatest Cockney Christmas’. (The jury is out on ‘Mistress Material’). Stalin himself is in charge of the publication so nothing can possibly go wrong. Can it?

Following yesterday’s shock stop press, reports reach us of sightings of our two fugitives in Knightsbridge on Friday and Gerrards Cross yesterday. But nothing is confirmed. Where can they be and what are they up to? More news when we have it.

Oct 14. That’s it! Lord Wastrel has cried “Enough!” and has BANNED all mention of the shenanigans and backstabbing around our rockumentary film from this blog for at least a week saying: “People don’t want to read this shit. Come back to it when concrete decisions have been reached.” Amen. His Lordship then paused and puffed on a fifty dollar cigar before adding: “The only Watts vs West battle I want to watch is topless in a pool of mud, what?” Honestly, he's like a posh Fat Col these days.

In other news, Waistrel has laughed off “absurd and malicious” claims that he is “the Weinstein of punk rock”. The thoughts of The Yeti, the Nosher, and Sandra Bigg (Really Big) on this matter have yet to be recorded. But the Growler tells us “’E’s never laid a finger on me, has ’e? More’s the pity.” The loyal Fit Bird moved swiftly to demolish the claims, explaining that due to gout and alcoholic gastritis his Lordship “ain’t been able to get it up since 1972”, adding “An’ I should know.” What can she mean?

NOOS: Cockney Rejects drummer Lainey is out of hospital and recovering well. He’ll be replaced on their next gig by Scott Preece from GBH. In the meantime, GBH have released new song ‘Birmingham Smiles as a taster for their forth-coming Momentum album... Louise Distras is bringing her Nu-Punk package to London and Manchester next weekend, the shows will feature Louise, Riskee & The Ridiculous, the Kenneths, The Collective Grime Crew and Witchfever as she attempts to bring punk and grime acts together with one common working class voice.

Record Noos: the terrifying Punk Rock Halloween: Loud, Fast & Scary compilation is out now featuring tracks from The Adolescents, the Anti-Nowhere League, 999, the UK Subs, the Dwarves, The Vibrators, Riverboat Gamblers, Buck-O-Nine, Donkey Dom, Guttermouth and many more, courtesy the crazy cats at Cleopatra Records... Green Day release a career-spanning compilation album, Greatest Hits: God’s Favourite Band, on 17th November 17 – 22 tracks including two new numbers ‘Ordinary World’ and ‘Back In The USA’... Rude Pride’s second album, Take It As It Comes, is out now.

STOP PRESS. We're putting out an urgent APB. If anyone has seen either Gal or the PM can they please get in touch via the office bat-phone as soon as possible. Both of these stoic heroes are said to have gone missing. Gal was last seen hobbling around Brighton on Wednesday night, El Tel has not been spotted since earlier this morning. Neither are answering their phones. But reports reach us that they have been seen together heading “up West”. This is a genuine bulletin. A reward for information may follow, just as soon as Lee Wilson stumps up the cash.

Oct 13. Battling film director Sandie West last night made more peace offerings in her bid to placate Wattsie Watts. Sandie has now offered to shoot some entire Curry On Up The Gonads scenes in South London so that English-based band members can “grab some of the limelight”. A spokesman for Sky News called this a “significant offer” adding that it represents “real movement”. But will it be enough to persuade Wattsie to call off her campaign of sabotage and dissent? If so, expect Sandie to be called in by the UN to sort out Russia and the Ukraine... For friends of Wattsie immediately responded that the offer was “too little too late”. It seems that she has already contacted the Ministry of Delusion with a view to meeting up with the most powerful Wizard in England, the White Witch of Blackheath also known as The Ancient One. Franky ‘Boy’ Flame, as we all know him, went to school with Merlin (he was in the year above) and has exactly the level of power Wattsie needs to CURSE the film from this continent using the fabled Eye of Agamotto. This proposed alliance strikes us as strange however as she is solidly pro-Corbyn while Frank seems closer to the forces of reaction. But Effete El explains: “Just as Conservatives and Communists fought side by side in the trenches against the Nazis, so they must unite again to see off this common threat from the foreign foe.” It’s all getting a bit beyond us, to be honest. The sooner this blog gets back to beer, rubies, puerile jokes and Oi Oi punk rock the better.

Oct 12. An olive branch arrives from high-flying, power-crazed Hollywood director Sandie ‘The Wrecker’ West who says she will “definitely” include an “extensive” Wattsie Watts interview in the blockbuster Gonads movie. Wattsie was not impressed, however, saying simply: “I will agree to be interviewed only when I get a written promise that I can be in the edit suite when this so-called film is put together. Without that guarantee, I will not be talking to West on or off camera.” Movie insiders believe that Sandie was forced to suggest a compromise because of the growing campaign of support for Wattsie in Britain, Germany, on the US West Coast and in Shanklin, Isle of Wight. “Unfortunately it may have come too late,” our source suggests. “Wattsie is on the offensive and nothing less than a full-scale surrender will satisfy her.”

New on Fat Col’s market stall: the Wattsie Watts Peg O’Fun, a cucumber “work-out” attachment, retailing at £7.99 and guaranteed “good for at least three pokes”.

Oct 11. Last night’s big Curry Night Show-down seems to have cleared the air and healed the great Gonads rift, for now at least. Things did get heated at one stage when Wattsie Watts laid down the law about the US film. Arriving like a character from Dynasty in a brand new power coat, Wattsie quickly threatened Paul and Phil saying: “If you go with Gal, I will find you and stab you with a cucumber strap-on.” (At which point Fat Col started frothing at the mouth. He was placed in a sherbert and sent home for his own wellbeing). Later Wattsie, swiftly re-christened Pegging Sue, clarified her threat. “I meant stab you with it in the head,” she said. “Not anything nasty”. Well that’s a shame. Bottoms up!

In less controversial matters, the band agreed to include the GBX single ‘Saturday Night Beneath The Plastic Palm Trees’ in the set for the 8th December show, plus the b-side ‘Beer Can Boogie’ and ‘Infected’. There was wild talk of a mini-tour of Kent seaside towns next Spring too. Finally Miss Management reported “a surge of interest” for a second volume of Gonads song lyrics, which we will try to make available by Christmas.

The Gonads WebsiteOct 10. This is the latest snatched paparazzi snap of power-mad Hollywood producer Sandie West taken moments after she dramatically THREW the Filth FC off the film and REPLACED them with LA streetpunk band Corrupted Youth. Gal is refusing to comment on claims from the Wattsie Watts camp that the first he knew about this shock switch was when he was saw the new tour poster online. But let's study this picture for a moment. What is Sandie actually doing here? Fat Col speculates that she is ordering her minions about, but Ms Wattsie detects something far more sinister. With her great psychic gifts, the ever-vigilant Wattsie reveals that this shot shows her arch enemy "practising witchcraft" to make the US film happen "in an awful twisted mutation of its original form". Ridiculous we say, but Wattsie has had a warning from "the other side" and tells us that she intends to take the fight against West "onto the astral plain". Cripes. Yet apparently alert to this new threat, West's slippery sidekick Hank the Yank sends a message offering Wattsie her own route into the movie business. All she'd have to do is share a hot tub with Harvey Weinstein...

Witchcraft? Blimey. It would certainly explain why Milton Craig, the king of indiegogo project boosting, has made crowd-funding for the film a top pick in his weekly newsletter.

Meanwhile, in the real world, the Skids play two UK dates in January and three in June.

Apologies to the Templars. It seems that they spelt Deus Vult correctly. The 'Veult' in the news release was a Randale misprint.

Oct 9. We’re sending all our best to Andrew ‘Lainey’ Laing, the Cockney Rejects drummer, who collapsed with severe dehydration at the boys’ Skegness gig on Saturday night. Mick Geggus issued this statement yesterday: ‘Thanks for all kind messages of support for Lainey, pals. Massive thanks to Andy from the Upstarts for helping save the day. And thanks to everyone in the crowd for their incredible support.’ Mick adds: ‘Lainey is recovering at home and the good news is that the big fella’s gonna be fine.’ The dehydration was caused by a lung infection and not, as is more common these days, from waiting for Lee ‘Lovejoy’ Wilson to get a round in.

Miss Management has called on an Emergency Band Curry Session this week to try and hammer out band differences over what Wattsie calls “the great American Folly”. But Gal might be on his back foot from the start as we notice that the latest Vive Le Rock features his list of the Top Ten greatest street-punk albums of all time. There’s the Rejects, Rancid, Sparrer, Argy Bleedin’ Bargy... but where the fuck are the Gonads? It’s an outrage!

We’re hearing stunning reports about the East End Badoes who went down a storm at Friday’s big Human Punk show at the 100 Club. Our informant tells us: ‘It was the best the band has ever played, with a set chockfull of brickwall punk anthems and Oi Oi gems. It’s fair to say they blew the rest of the bill off stage.” The impartial witness goes on: “Jenny Russell was there and if that performance doesn’t get the Badoes a spot on Rebellion London or Rebellion Amsterdam there is no justice in the world.” Well done, lads. It sounds incredible, and we heartily concur – Rebellion would be raving mad not to snap up this hot property. P.S. Our informant has asked to remain anonymous, so we shall call him Brother X, although his real name is T. Hayes, PM (no relation).

Oct 8. We are reviewed in today’s Daily Star Sunday which describes us as ‘a grin-driven din’. We’ll take that. The reviewer also calls Infa Riot “tourniquet tight” – it’s almost as if they’d been standing at the bar waiting for Lee to buy a drink. Speaking of round-dodgers, the cheeky red-top make no mention of Spizz. This is entirely understandable. His performance left us lost for words as well.

The Gonads WebsiteHere’s our blinding new t-shirt for the West Coast experience.

Oct 7. A quick news report: The war of words over our long-awaited Punkumentary plunged to new depths last night as hard-hearted director Sandie West demanded a cameo role in the movie, and asked “would it hurt?” if she filmed Shiragirl performing with the UK Gonads in London this Christmas. A source close to Shona Wattsie Watts slammed West saying “These latest demands prove that West is clearly out to destroy the band. First she changes the title of the film, and completely changes its nature, then she sews internal dissent by only flying two of us out for the filming. Now she is trying to oust Wattsie. It’s a farce, mate. But if we can see right through her why can’t Gal and Clyde?” It’s a mystery, and that’s the truth. Effete El, the fighting poove, claims that the pair have been “sucked so far into the Hollywood dream they can no longer see the streets.” Yet even as West sets her trap a tremendous grass roots movement is building around Wattsie. Stout-hearted heroes of yore – Garry Johnson, Stinky Turner, Hoxton Tom, Lee Wilson, Terence Hayes, PM, Chelsea Dom, Garrie ‘Guitar’ Lammin, Two-Ton Tony Madras and many others – have rallied behind a Wattsie Must Remain group headed by Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) and have vowed to “close down” any London show that attempts to take place without Psychic Shona on the stage. Even Richie Rocker has intervened, telling Gal curtly: “You can get as many female septic tanks on board as you like mate, but I doubt they’ll have a better pair of ‘mystics megs’ than Wattsie.” With the weight of street opinion against her, West’s Machiavellian manoeuvres seem doomed to failure – Fat Col, News At Ten, sober.

The Punk Rock Curry Club reconvenes this month. Lee Wilson emails to say “I shall buy cuff-links for the occasion.” We hope that’s rhyming slang for drinks, we say, but the great man falls silent.

OUT NOW: the latest issue of Vive Le Rock, with page after page on Cock Sparrer in particular and street-punk in general... the new LP from The Templars, Deus Veult via Randale (we think they mean Deus Vult – God wills it)... another new album from the Ejected – Game of Survival... and, finally, coming soon, Chelsea’s 11th studio album, Mission Impossible...

The Gonads WebsiteOct 6. Here is Hollywood bigwig Sandie West hard at work in Beverly Hills yesterday. In the producer's hand is the script for Curry On Up The Gonads. On her lips is the cruel quip: "Wattsie Watts? Don't you mean Wattsie Who?" Meow! Anyone for a cat-fight?

Oct 5. We pressed Wattsie about her savage attack on Sandie West and Shiragirl yesterday. What did she mean by calling them ‘fake’? “They’re not like us,” came the furious reply. “They’re hippies! They’re into incense, meditation, quinoa, weed and vagina steaming. They probably live off beans and lentils.” Hippies in California? Who would have seen that coming? But Psychic Shona has visions. “They are sirens luring you into their so-called counterculture,” she says. “They are working with our arch enemy Jello Biafra who is jealous of the Gonads’ blue collar purity. This whole ‘film’ is a plot to kill off the band. If you fly out I shall quit.” Gulp. 

Oct 4. Wattsie calls, her third eye blinking madly, to say that she has discovered “something sinister about the Sandie West and Shiragirl alliance” which “proves beyond doubt” that “this so-called film is part of their plan to DESTROY the Gonads”. What, we ask breathlessly. “They’re fake!” she accuses. “Both of them!” How so, we say. But Wattsie has already slammed down the phone and returned to her Tarot cards. Well her major arcana takes time to get going these days and her pentacles need a proper seeing-to. It’s the cold mornings.

Word reaches us of two controversies at Sunday’s New Cross Inn extravaganza. Firstly, and most outrageously, a scandal we’ll headline Sing Something Sinful. For on stage Noel Martin accused Gal of causing a huge bust-up at his North London home way back in 1977. Noel says that Gal and his then missus went to have a spot of dinner; beer and conversation flowed agreeably and everything was right with the world. But the evening apparently took a dark turn after they left, ending with Noel and his wife failing out spectacularly with his parents  – “My wife had her hands around my mother’s neck,” the Menace drummer reveals. And all because of on a rude song that Gal had sung around the table (the very idea!). We put the accusation to Gal and he denies it completely. “I remember the evening became a little fraught,” he tells us. “But that was because Noel’s dad wouldn’t stop singing obscure Irish dirges. I don’t recall singing anything at all.” Ah, but Gal’s memory is notoriously poor. Band and family members alike testify that after partaking of fine wine or strong whisky he is liable to serenade all and sundry with risqué ditties including (but not confined to) A Mother’s Lament (a Cockney/Music Hall ballad about abortion popularly known as ‘Your Baby Has Gorn Down The Plughole’). Such an insensitive number could very easily have unsettled Noel’s strict Catholic parents, especially if followed by a quick burst of Benny Hill’s favourite Gonads song ‘Sandra Bigg (Really Big)’. We would commission Chelsea Dom to investigate further but unfortunately the ace detective’s skills have been called into question by Infa Riot’s Lee Wilson. Yes, in Sunday’s second controversy, Dog Frame Stitch-Up, Lee claims he is “mystified” by Dom’s long-winded account of the Three American Ladies saga. “He’s turned a small wind-up into a never-ending novel,” the singer moans morosely. Sadly Dom swerved the gig claiming that Mandy Crow, his child bride, had fallen ill. Our text message telling him to ‘Drop her off at A&E and stand your round like a chap’ curiously went unanswered. Will it be pistols at dawn at the Punk Rock Curry Club October meet? We can only hope so.

Oct 3. The New Cross Inn gig reviewed by the PM himself: Last night’s show was spot on. The Gonads sounded really tight, like Lee Wilson’s wallet (well maybe not that tight) but extremely good. It was a strong bill, with fine sets from the Phobics and Infa Riot, and it was a treat to see Noel Martin playing guitar. But Bexatron were the buzz of the night. Singer Bex is going places – and I don’t mean New Cross Gate. Wattsie made me laugh going on about James Cruttwell joining the Gonads permanently to replace “one of the old boy guitarists”, be it Phil or Clyde, she said she ain’t got any preference as she thinks the two of them are both replaceable with young blood like JC (love is in the air, but she will have to be gentle with him). So mote it be. All money raised by Sunday’s Punks Against Homelessness show will go to Crisis.

The Gonads WebsiteLee Wilson, the PM and Gal.
The Gonads WebsiteWhen Bexatron met the Gonads
The Gonads WebsiteNoel Martin, Gal, JC and El Tel

STOP PRESS. With regret we are forced to announce the cancellation of our next two UK gigs, at Polyfest and Southsea, due to the pressure of personal and work commitments.

The Gonads Website*You can see James Cruttwell’s East End Badoes, occasionally featuring the PM, THIS FRIDAY at London’s 100 Club with Peter & The Test Tube Babies, Foreign Legion and Arch Rivals, courtesy the gentlefolk of Human Punk. Tickets from HERE.

Oct 2. Word reaches us of extraordinary developments within Jolly Prankster circles. Late on Friday evening it seems that a large number of senior brethren gathered on a moonlit cricket field somewhere between Dorking and Guildford for an unofficial torch-lit rally. They were addressed by a former WM known only as Brother Tudor who roundly condemned Theresa May and her “government of clowns” for “deliberately failing to implement the settled will of the English people”. To thunderous cheers, Tudor called on those assembled to join a breakaway unit, known as Operation Lancelot, whose purpose was, he said, to undertake “a nefarious campaign of skulduggery for the benefit of a greater England”. Cries of “Howzat!” followed by chants of “Brexit now!” filled the Surrey air for many minutes, and the brethren cheered riotously as the treacherous EU flag was ceremonially burnt. What happens next is the subject of intense speculation and bitter argument. The Jolly Pranksters famously play no part in politics, and the whole “Lancelot” project looks on paper at least as being in complete contradiction of Prankster protocol. Indeed we have learnt that the details of this so-called Abinger Happening are being studied extremely closely by the brotherhood’s internal security service. However our insider whispers that something of this magnitude “could not have happened” without the tacit approval of senior brethren, “including those of level 27 standing and above” which suggests repercussions are unlikely to follow. We asked Terence Hayes, PM, to comment, but the great man remained as tight-lipped as Mafia capo. (Some claim he’d dozed off). An aide told us “The Pranksters’ veil of secrecy is as solid as Sicilian Omerta. Our loyal band of knaves and rascals do not seek publicity and shun the petty world of politics.” Pausing for effect, he went on: “But that May she’s effing useless, ain’t she?” Last night’s gig was a blast! Tune back tomorrow for some pretty pictures.

While we’re here, the new four track Complicators e.p. is out Friday on vinyl from those jolly coves at Pirates Press.

Oct 1st. Today, you can see us, Infa Riot & more at the New Cross Inn playing a Punks Against Homelessness benefit gig (on behalf of Musicians Against Homelessness raising cash for Crisis.) The full bill is: Infa Riot (on stage at 9.50), the magnificent Gonads (on stage 8.55), Noel Martin's Evil B'stards (8pm), Spizzotronic (7.30), The Phobics (6.45), Bexatron (6pm), and poet Dennis (Just Dennis) (5.30). Tickets £5 in advance, £7 on the door. Get in!

Record noos: the Addicts release their new album And It Was So! On 17th November via Nuclear Blast, their new single ‘Picture The Scene’ is out now... and Wisdom In Chains have released split single The Family Biz on vinyl through Fast Break records, the Madball track is brand new ‘For The Cause’, Wisdom In Chains contribute ‘Someday’ featuring Freddie Cricien.

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