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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

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Oct 30. Oh gawd, a fresh controversy threatens to engulf us. This time it’s over Nadsfest. Various people, largely layabouts, hangers-on and ne’er-do-wells are demanding to know the exact details of next year’s exciting event. The organisers, Fat Col and FB, have consistently replied “Nadsfest means Nadsfest” but apparently this is not good enough. Scottish fan Fishy Nicci claims outrageously that the pair have “no plans for Nadsfest” and that the event is “just a pipe dream”. She is insisting on being told “precisely what the festival will consist of... where will it be held... whether it will be a hard Nadsfest or a soft Nadsfest, a bankers’ Nadsfest or a people’s one.” FB refuses to be drawn, however. “Negotiations are in hand,” he says sternly, adding that “Fishy Nicci will be told the specifics at the same time as everyone else – when we have thrashed out the finer details.” Speaking in a whisper on a smuggled pay-as-you-go mobile from a cell in Bexleyheath (don’t ask) Fat Col tells us “these things can’t be rushed but I am supremely confident that the fest will happen next year, almost certainly in the Summer... it will be a beacon for lovers of herbert culture all over the world; everyone will be thrilled by what we have up our sleeves.”

Oct 29. Here’s today’s big story. We hear a whisper that the brilliant Jeniera & The Blades are writing new songs... maybe some gigs to follow, chaps?

Record Noos: Seaside Rebels and Wolf Bites Boy have released a four-track split single via Randale... Belfast pop-punksters No Matter bring out new album Ill-Advised on 18th Nov (Umlaut Records)... Germany’s Gewohnheitstrinker (bless you) release their new album Krieg courtesy Randale. 100 copies have been pressed on white vinyl.

Oct 28. Green Day, Rancid, Blink 182 and Me First & The Gimme Gimmes have been announced for the huge Nova Rock fest in Austria next June. What about us? “We have been asked,” Fat Col reveals. “But I couldn’t confirm as it might clash with Nadsfest”. Good call, sir. (Erh, any chance of getting The Beast back?)

STOP PRESS: plans for Wattsie Watt’s pro-Corbyn solo single have been put on hold because the lyrics have been lost. “I can’t even remember the title,” the absent-minded radical confesses.

The Gonads WebsiteOct 25. Is this the shocking proof that last night’s band Curry Night got hopelessly out of hand? Here is drummer Paul SkaNad performing some sort of demented Wattsie Watts style pole dance with Gonads fan Steve Young. Why the party? Well, not only were we celebrating the new album All The Loon Stompers, we also finished mixing the b-side of the next single yesterday – a new version of ‘Temazepam’ featuring the reclusive Jeniera Blade on vocals. ‘Dogging In Dartford’ b/w ‘Temazepam’ should be released on 7th December. The festivities were held in beautiful downtown Sidcup, a quiet hub of civilisation where a pint of wallop still costs less than three sovs and the local newsagent stocks Street Sounds. Only one bum note was struck all night – when guitar star Phil McDonut had the temerity to moan that we hadn’t actually planned anything. Miss Management dismissed his complaint out of hand, sternly explaining “That’s absolute cobblers, we planned the Gonads Xmas Party”. Quite right, we did and so mote it be.

The good ship Gonad continues to sail into uncharted waters. A whispered phone call from Moscow confirms that our split 7inch with Russian streetpunk band Uchitel Truda should also be out in December; and that will be followed in January by our three track Dirty Metal e.p. (“Blistering” – Kerrang). Details of next year’s 40th anniversary events are shrouded in mystery but tour manager FB says “If the septics fall through again, we’ll go east, baby.” FB also insists that “Nads Fest will happen”. He goes on: “Like Brexit, the details seem vague at the moment but a lot of work is going on behind closed doors.” (Yeah, pub doors – Cynical Ed). Fit Bird adds: “And like Brexit, we def’nitely want it hard.”

The Gonads WebsiteA message from Sir Gal of Gonad: “A few people have been asking about my rock memoirs, so here is a quick update. Riff-Raff, Rebels & Rock Gods is no longer available, and The Power & The Glory has virtually sold out its first edition. Rather than re-publish them, I have rationalised the contents. Sounds of Glory Volume One is about hard rock and metal bands of the late 70s and early 80s: Iron Maiden, Ozzy, Thin Lizzy, Rose Tattoo, ZZ Top, Gary Moore, Twisted Sister, Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow etc Sounds Of Glory Volume Two covers Punk and Ska: The Specials, The Jam, The Sex Pistols, Madness, Blondie, Cockney Rejects, The Selecter, The Ruts, Squeeze, Angelic Upstarts, Bad Manners, Steve Ignorant, Judge Dread, The Exploited and so on. Both are published as physical paperbacks next week – volume one is available for pre-order on Kindle right now. Cheers.” Fit Bird tells us that future volumes are planned to feature such heroes as The Clash, The Beat, Ian Dury, the Skids etc.(Wot? No Gonads?)

Oct 23. Okay big news, chaps and chapesses, our next single will the extremely filthy ‘Dogging In Dartford’ b/w a revamped and rollicking new version of ‘Temazepam’ – more details to follow. It’ll be released in about six weeks time. Don’t tell Cheryl Baker! In the meantime, here (below) is the cover designed by the great Ghoul ’em Critchley.

The Gonads WebsiteIn other Records Noos: the new Infa Riot album, out next year, is described as “not too shabby” by our mole in the North London camp. Well it has taken them 30odd years to write it. “A long and slow recovery from the Sound & Fury LP,” the mole helpfully suggests... The album’s working title is said to be Lend Us A Ton & I’ll Buy You A Pint... Someday.

Underclass UK release their new album, Rip Your Face Off on 5th November. Expect fireworks... Fat Col’s favourite band Besserbitch have blessed us with their second album Pretenders & Liars... And even more thrilling, south coast headbangers Admiral Sir Cloudesely Shovell have just released their third album, Keep It Greasy! via Rise Above Records.

Oct 22. An exciting day, brothers and sisters, for three reasons: 1) The Damned start their 40-date anniversary tour in exactly three weeks time 2) The Pink Fairies (yes, the long-haired Ladbroke Grove psychedelic herberts from 1970!) are releasing a new album in January, and 3) We’re announcing something big and filthy tomorrow... and also a record.

Also just out, the new limited edition 12inch from Antiseen. ‘We're # One!’ comes on a wild array of randomly coloured vinyl courtesy our old mate Mark Rainey’s TKO Records. Mark did the covers himself, so no two copies of the four-track beauty are exactly identical. In addition, each copy comes with a 24page Ape City Stomp comic book by Loud Comix’s Jamie Vanda, plus sticker, plus digital download.

Joe Corré is about to destroy about £5million worth of dad Malcolm McLaren’s vintage punk memorabilia for a film. What a cunt.

Oct 21. The big Gonads movie, Curry On Up The Gonads is back on after director Sandi West vowed to fly to England in December to help Gal ransack his loft to order to find the script written by Cockney comic Micky Pugh. Mick's hilarious missing script is considered by experts to be the Holy Grail of Punk Rock film-making. "It's like dark matter," explains Gal's PA Fit Bird. "We know it's there, we just can't find it."

Oct 20. Our thanks to Chelsea Dom for reminding us that John Peel played our spunky anthem 'She Can't Whip Me' back in the day – slap bang between Flesh For Lulu and the Ghoulies: for proof, go here. Peely who used to drink with Gal and the Sounds crew at the fabled White Lion was a huge fan of 'I Lost My Love (To A UK Sub)' from our first ep Pure Punk For Row People, and also of schoolgirls, but that's another matter that it's best not to rake over in the current climate.

Disturbing news reaches us involving leaks of intensely private information from Tuesday's PRCC gathering. Said a grim-faced enforcer: "What's said at Curry Club, stays at Curry Club. The offending leaker will be eternally banished from our company". And he ain't kidding.

The Gonads WebsiteOct 19. Shock scenes at last night's Punk Rock Curry Club meet as Lee Wilson cheerfully bought Gal a pint... Stunned onlookers included Animal and Tom from the League, Steven Whale, Chris Pope of The Chords, Paul Hallam, Chelsea Dom and Mandy Crow. Lee revealed that the new Infa Riot album will be finished in January but then let himself down with digs at Mods (when he writes a song as good as Brave New World we might listen) and an uncharitable rant possibly scripted by Fat Col. Apologies for absence were received from Rhoda Dakar, Toyah Willcox, Matt Worley, and Garry Johnson, and from John King and the PM, who both cited emergency dental appointments – an excuse dismissed out of hand by curry club gauleiter Dom who rightly pointed out that our Whitechapel boozer, the Good Samaritan, was "bang next door to a major London hospital". Poor show, lads.

The South London Punk Collective is to hold a third annual charity event, to wit, a Christmas party at the New Cross Inn on Saturday 3rd December. There will be ten as yet unannounced acts on the bill and three charities will benefit from the night: Sex, Drugs & HIV, Wallington Animal Rescue and Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children. It costs a cockle and kicks off at 3pm. Details are here.

Oct 18. If you're in LA for Halloween, be sure not to miss this. And why not snap up an authentic Fat Col fright mask before you go? A snip at thirty sovs.

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Oct 17. Yorkshire's No Ta have announced their "final ever" live shows. The self-styled whimsical hardcore punk band play four farewell shows between 21st October and 20th November. As they put it: "No more No Ta, Come Say Ta Rah".

Tickets for Wonk Fest 5 go on sale early next month at an early bird rate. Wonk Unit, The Cravats, Calva Louise, Shot and Dom's IBS are already confirmed. The wonkers will climax at the Dome, Tufnell Park on 1st July 2017.

The Gonads WebsiteOct 16. One eagle-eyed viewer asks why Wattsie Watts made a striking appearance on last night's Columbo repeat as 'Cleo'. We can reveal that the great detective was investigating an assassination attempt on Colin Gannon, and it seems that Wattsie was one of the many, many suspects. It appears that Fat Col's list of his Top Ten fantasy women, as published in the latest Napalm Reloaded, has caused uproar. We won't stoop to reprint his foul sexist list. We merely ask: Who is the Tracey at Number One? Does he really think he's got half a chance with Pauline Black? Which of his old crushes has plummeted out of the chart like a stone turd from a 747? And what on earth would Louise Distras say?

Oct 15. We've already released two albums and a DVD this year ("Mark E. Smith eat yer heart out" – Paul SkaNad). But the ride ain't over yet, kids. We also have a download single scheduled for a December release, followed by the 'Dirty Metal' Gonads e.p., a three track collection due out in January ahead of new DMG studio recordings expected next summer. In the meantime work on Gal's GBX album is progressing at a pace described by Fit Bird as "top-ranking & fully skanking". It is, she adds, "45 per cent done", before noting that next summer's live LP Pure Punk For Row People will be our FOURTEENTH album to date. Why the tsunami of creativity, we ask? Fit Bird just shrugs and says "No-one is sure but as Atomic Rooster once noted, 'Death walks behind you', dunnit?'" It do. Watch this space for news on the December single.

In other record news, NOi!SE release their new album The Real Enemy on October 21st, their first full-length release since the split LP with the Street Dogs in 2014. (On Randale in Europe and Pirates Press in the States)... the new Lower Class Brats album Primary Reinforcement Plus is a collection of the Texas band's first six 7-inch singles re-mastered, with the master cut by George Horn (Loud Punk Records)...

Oct 14. Out now! The new Napalm Reloaded features an interview with Cork band Cabbage Again, a feature on hard-hitting Mod pulp fiction writers Jim Iron and John Steel, some thoughts on Rixe, Tit Willow and Little Bird In Plumstead, a chat with post-punk Marxian funk band the Puffed-Up Wankers, 'Inside The Head of Paul Hallam' (an artist's impression), a review of the new Nosher's Delight audio cassette, and a retrospective on Dumpy's Rusty Nuts. The first twenty issues sold come with a 'Women Of Oi' Northfleet special Xmas calendar, so you might want to sit tight and wait for 21.

Newly re-issued: The Undertones' second album Hypnotised, Madball's Demonstrating My Style and Sick Of It All's Scratch The Surface...

PRCC latest: Tuesday is on! Lee Wilson is in the chair.

Prankster News: Festivus will take place at That Cardiff Place this year by order of the Grand Dragon of Cymru. So mote it be! See your tyler for details.

Oct 12. Calling all skankers! It's here! Our brilliant rude reggae and Ska compilation All The Loon Stompers is available NOW from our shop page! Hurry, hurry, hurry while stocks last.

Oct 11. From the desk of Lord Waistrel: 'Hello plebeians! Be advised that the popular beat combo The Gonads will release a troika of new singles in the coming months.' (He means three – Educated Ed) He goes on: 'The first will be at the beginning of December, followed by a second in January with the third arriving around Easter time. These very different releases are designed to showcase the essential ménage a trios at the pumping heart of the Gonadian experience'. Well, it's the first we've heard of it! But Waistrel does what Waistrel wants at all times. We await further details.

The Gonads WebsiteOct 9. Hawkins & Joseph are now selling a range of Peaky Blinders inspired caps and new badges including this handsome Droogs Don't Run "Winston" pin.

Oct 8. Our 100 Club show, supporting the Cockney Rejects in December, is confirmed as the 'pure punk for row people' set. In the meantime, Jeff and the boys play the Brooklyn Bowl tonight. Have it if you can.

Oct 7. Infa Riot will start recording their new album next weekend (about time too)... in other news the Mighty Mighty Bosstones's debut album Devils Night Out has just been re-released on vinyl by Taang, including the possibly Lee Wilson inspired 'Hope I Never Lose My Wallet'.

Oct 5. We were back rehearsing last night. Seems there was some kind of theme going on here:

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The Gonads Website
The Gonads Website

Oct 4. What's this? Stief A'Billy tells us the Noxious Toyz are no more! He issues the following statement: 'Moving on - Something in the air just turned out wrong. Moving on - Time to sing a brand new song... Even Duracell batteries die at some point leaving Toyz broken and lifeless...' Stief promises 'a further statement will follow in time as to future projects', in the meantime a little bird (Dagenham Lil) tells us that Stief has been seen "coming and going" (ooh-erh missus) at a certain recording studio in Newcastle with members of The SkaToons. What could that mean?

New from The Warriors, 'Skinhead Blues' - here.

We're closed for a bit. Back soon. In the meantime, here are some pretty pictures to squeeze your lemon.

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