Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Nov 28. Shock news. Jay The Tripod of the American Gonads has been rushed to hospital with heart failure, aged just 40. Medics blame a build-up of liquid around Tippy Jay’s heart. Naturally band members reacted with all the care and compassion you’d expect, with Rodger Shosa claiming that doctors are trying to work out what kept the guitarist alive. Drummer Trotsky pinned the blame on “forty years of cock blocking and artery blocking”. Get well soon mate, you still owe us twenty bucks.
Nov 27. It’s less than two weeks before our Christmas acoustic gig in Sidcup on 10th December. If you haven’t bought a ticket yet, please step lively to avoid disappointment. We will be playing at least twelve numbers from 8pm or thereabouts. There will be: Drinking songs! Punk rock! Paulaner! True stories! Xmas presents! All for a cockle! (£10 – Ed). Who could want more? This is a one-off gig, never to be repeated. For your inconvenience, tickets can only be bought from the venue, the Hopper's Hut, or from their Facebook page.
A big shout-out to our dear pal the PM who is back in hospital after fracturing his femur. El Tel tells us he went to see a Clash tribute band in Southend on Thursday and accidentally kicked a step; he is now waiting for a hip operation. It’s poxy news, and he is in our thoughts. With his permission we reproduce our suggestion that his long-awaited solo ep should now include the track, I Fought The Step & The Step Won… get well mate.
There was more white-knuckle drama behind the scenes at Nads HQ when Chubby Lol was nicked and charged over his alleged involvement in “multiple frauds” surrounding the collapse of the crypto exchange FTX. Lord Waistrel moved quickly, removing Lol from all Gonads-related duties, putting the fledgling NadCoin crypto currency project on hold and bringing Fat Col back into the fold. Despite protests from band members, his Lordship decreed that Col was needed to “restore confidence in the band and our brand”. Magnanimous in victory, a smiling Col told this blog, “No more Mr. Nice Guy! You ain’t seen nothing yet, suckers.”
STOP PRESS. We have reason to believe the story of Fat Col’s return was leaked by a canny Waistrel to blind us to a much bigger story. Like us, you might have wondered why his lordship had drafted in ‘Spider’ Harry Hoffman to “work in harmony with Miss Management” as the band’s “senior managerial director”. According to reliable sources, the trouble started when Miss M asked Lord Waistrel for a very reasonable £10,000 budget to record Gal’s Big 69 – the 69-track box-set due for release in May 2024. Waistrel allegedly “hit the roof” and sent in Spider Harry on a mission to “dilute or delay” the great project which he has privately called “the HS2 of punk – a pricey and unnecessary pipe dream”. Miss Management is saying nothing to the blog (not even when her birthday is), but as we understand it, £10K would pay for a whole month in the studio, which is just about enough to make the mega project happen. Insiders say, that if Spider succeeds in derailing the box-set “it would be a huge blow to Gal, a kick in the cobblers for every loyal Gonads fan, and a bitter pill to swallow for all of us especially as all of the 69 songs are now written or part written”. To add to the uncertainty, Spider also aims to move the Gonads away from punk gigs in pubs and onto unspecified “other circuits”. He is thought to be very much in favour of reviving the ‘Evening with Gal & His Gonads’ plan; he is also “looking favourably” at resurrecting the Orgasm Guerrillas project and is actively backing The Rawhides – “two pointless diversions”, according to close friends of Miss M’s staunchest supporter, Wattsie Watts. Effete El whispers, “a battle is raging for the heart and soul of the Gonads”. Gulp and blimey.
PS. Chubby Lol’s militant ex-wife Sharon writes to furiously accuse us of “belittling her” by calling the RMT the RTM (even though it said RTM in her letter). In a stream of furious abuse, again written in a variety of different colour inks, she calls us “stinking running dogs of capitalism” and “pathetic paper tigers” before concluding “back the UCU, back the RCN and back the CWU! Strike hard! Strike together! General strike now! Nationalise the energy companies! Defund Lord Waistrel!” (As is now traditional a second letter arrives soon after apologising for the first).
Nov 18. While Gal is tied up with whatever it is he’s tied up with, your questions will be answered by our dedicated, well-briefed blog monkeys. We have received three queries this month – when will the blog be back full-time? When will the Gonads play Germany again? And how on earth do you plan to record 69 new songs in the next eighteen months? Our answer to all three is the same – your guess is as good as ours, although maybe May for Germany. We hope this helps.
Chubby Lol has described the blog’s recent summary of his grand ‘Gonads Experience’ project as “laughable and petty-minded”. Lol, who claims to have attracted “significant investment”, said sternly, “It will not be some two-bob scam but a wonderful well-funded demonstration of everything great and unique about this special band. For example, there will be avatars of all six Gonads, including Clyde Ward, performing every hour. We’re planning on 360° virtual reality, holograms, iconic music on a virtual stage, live-action sequences, jaw-dropping 5D multi-sensory effects, a well-stocked tavern, and immersive theatre including a number of interactive scenes with live actors. ‘Billies’ will be able to stroll back to Indus Road, Charlton, in the mid-70s! Escape chilling encounters with a 15foot Yeti and a 40ft Franken-Skin! Rocket to Mars with the Alconaut! Ride the Golden Shower! Meet the lager louts! Run amok with Tucker’s Ruckers and beat the crap out of virtual round-dodgers.” Blimey. He concludes, “It will be better than Meta! It’s the future of street-punk entertainment!” Speaking for the band, a weary Ms Wattsie Watts sniffs, “It sounds fantastic but in the real world our next gig is in a micro-pub.” Oh ye of little faith.
Not one but two letters arrive from Chubby Lol’s militant ex-wife Sharon. The first, written largely in capital letters in a variety of different coloured ink, accuses her former husband of “significant crypto-fraud”. She also calls on the band to “renounce the patriarchy and show your support for feminism by creating an all-female sister-combo” – she includes Wattsie, Miss M, Kyria, Rhoda Dakar, Spizz’s daughter Molly and herself in her dream “Girl-Nads” line-up. So far, so bonkers, you might think. But Shazza goes on to insist that male members of the Gonads must then be “confined to a basement and treated as sex objects and domestic skivvies to be used at the whim of the wimmin as objects of servitude and desire!” (She continues in this vein for some time using increasingly graphic images and even filthier language) before concluding: “Smash the budget! Soak the rich! March with the midwives! Jail Braverman! System change, not climate change! Back the RTM! Bring back Corbyn! Nationalise Ant & Dec! Revolution now!” Her second letter is largely a lengthy apology for the first.
Noos: Flies by Battery Farm is out today! And Iggy Pop headlines Dog Day Afternoon at Crystal Palace Park on 1st July next year. Iggy will be supported by Blondie and Generation Sex – a punk supergroup featuring Billy Idol, Steve Jones, Paul Cook and Tony James.
Punk Rock Curry Club update. Next month’s Xmas feast will go ahead as planned but to placate the so-called Beer Monster Elite, there will be two sittings, the usual one at 7.30pm for curry clubbers with jobs and what an anonymous PRCC spokesman describes as “a midnight delirium tremens sitting for John King’s band of needy, work-dodging, beer-bloated, dribbling, incontinent, vomit-stained, meat-swerving ‘artists’ – the lay-about wretches of the BME”. Seems reasonable.
Nov 13. Update: All The Loonstompers is currently sold out and we are not expecting any more copies this side of Festivus.
RIP. Keith Levene, one of the great post-punk guitarists, and also Hawkwind’s Nik Turner (the mighty thunder rider) who has died aged 82. Both sad losses.
No news this week on: any confirmed gigs after Southend at The Venue on 21st January, any band wedding in Las Vegas next summer, or the long-delayed publication of Gal’s When Britain Rocked (although it is due soon according to Stalin, who has never once steered us wrong).
We rehearsed our Christmas acoustic set last Sunday (without Paul Skanad who was up to some deeply slippery business in Devon) and everything is sounding, in Lord Waistrel’s words, “top hole”… in other news, Waistrel has appointed the unknown ‘Spider’ Harry Hoffman to “work in harmony with Miss Management” as our “senior managerial director”… Madness are making a new album… and Jim Brooks of The Ejected has published Have You Got 10p? (The Ejected Story) in paperback; also available on kindle from Amazon.
New this week on Chubby Lol’s market stall: The Unofficial Crass Chess Set (comes with board and pieces but no kings, queens or bishops; £79.99).
Lol also tells us that he is also working on a “fully immersive” enterprise called The Gonads: The Experience which he intends to perfect and market for Christmas 2023. Early theories suggest it will include curry (including our own exclusive and possibly life-threatening Curry Hell), Ska, punk rock, Paulaner, flag girls, Cockney culture, Charlton Athletic FC, more curry, seventies reggae, Guinness, pork scratchings, comedy and an Oi Oi exhibition celebrating local south east London pioneers. That’s if it happens of course. Sorry to end on a downer but this Spider Harry lark has left us fretting.
Nov 5. We are back! Sort of… Lord Waistrel’s strict rules mean that we can only cover “real news” once a week. Mercifully real news also covers “matters of major importance” which surprisingly include Chubby Lol’s 2022 market stall bargains, now on sale every day in Woolwich market. Roll up, roll up for:
*Chubby’s Xmas Pizza! This freshly-baked festive favourite comes with a range of traditional Cockney toppings including: meat pie, eels, liquor, faggots and pease pudding. Just £9.99 a slice! Add mash, chips or saveloy for an extra £3!
*Round-dodger VAR! Why fall out over a round-dodging accusation when this all-seeing VAR device can record and re-play every trip you and your party make to the bar all night. Pricey at £999.99 but think of the aggro, bitterness and loathing it will prevent.
*The Fat Col horror mask – terrify Wattsie Watts this Christmas by ringing her bell disguised as her favourite living nightmare! This authentic-looking facemask comes with the sweet aroma of sweat, curry, brown ale and stale fags. Just £19.99! (Or £39.99 for deluxe package that includes begging letters, stylish proposal hearing aids and a precautionary stab-vest!)
*The “Sneaky Blinder” Party Popper Tampon! Surprise the lady in your life with this mischievous gift – a party popper disguised as a tampon. Just pop it in, pull the string and watch her little face light up. She might not be happy but she’ll never forget you. Chubs’ special deal: Buy two for the price of three! £45 or near offer!
*Maggie’s Little Book! A limited-edition reprint of the literary masterpiece alluded to in Lee Wilson’s angry Infa Riot anthem, Each Dawn I Die. What’s in it? Find out for just £99.99.
Tune back next weekend for more of Chubby’s top bargains and, maybe, actual news!
Nov 1. We return in an extremely limited way to pass on the news that tickets for our Christmas acoustic show, Intimate Gonads 2 – at the Hopper’s Hut in Sidcup on the 10th December – are now available direct from the pub or via their Facebook page. The venue has a small capacity. It will sell out fast, so snap them up while you can.
CD copies of our new album, Revolution Now!, are finally available to buy from the shop page.
We are deeply sorry to hear of the tragic death of Sara Barrett, a lovely woman who helped make our 2017 San Diego gig a joy. Our condolences to her loved ones, especially Bones. RIP Sara.
ATTENTION! This is an emergency blog intervention to tell you that: 1) CDs of our new album have arrived and will be on sale from our shop page from Tuesday 1st November. PLUS 2) Our acoustic Christmas knees-up will be at the Hopper’s Hut in Sidcup on Saturday 10th December – billed as “an exclusive night of drinking songs, drinking Paulaner and very true stories”. Tickets available from here. For the guest list, see Santa.