Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Nov 28. The word is in from Barbados. Lord Waistrel is not pleased with this blog and what he called its “ceaseless idle speculation, eternal backstabbing and an endless demeaning obsession with gossip”. He has installed his concubine Hockers to crack the whip and maintain “a vestige of seriousness”. Already she has formulated a number of “golden Gonads goals” for the first quarter of next year. Under Hockers’ strict supervision we will record our track for the Unity Project in January, and record our new 13-track “pure punk and no bollocks” album Revolution Now in February. For impure punk and plenty of bollocks, we will record the follow up to London’s Bawling, called Lock In With The Guv’Nor, too. Hockers has also ordered us to play an intimate London showcase gig as soon as circumstances allow, and she will allow “no trivial blog cobblers” on her watch. So expect more entirely serious news after the Christmas Curry Night.
While we’re in business mode, Pirates Press are offering a huge number of Black Friday merch deals. We asked our merch team, Fat Col and Jo Gonad, what our Black Friday offers are. He replied, “There ain’t none – in fact I’ve put prices up for the week.” Why? “It’s taters mate, who wants to walk to the Post Office in this cold? I had a piss outside the Hoppers last night and had to snap off the end of it.” So, will our merch stand be running at the 100 Club gig? “Yeah, it’ll be whatever Jo can carry. I ain’t going to that shit,” he declares, adding. “Not with Lady Snooty still in the band. Sod that. Jo will have the stand open for five, maybe ten minutes before and after the set.” He continues charmlessly, “So if you want something awkward, like fucking vinyl, best order it beforehand. An’ don’t make me go up in the loft to find some poxy obscure CD neither.” Git. Sort him out Hockers!
Nov 27. Hurrah! The great curry war is over. Yet puzzlingly, nobody knows exactly how it was resolved – not even the band. Our team of ace investigative journalists (Susie Semillon and Barney O’Booze) are busy trying to uncover the underhand machinations. Susie explains: “We know that Wattsie is safe and we understand that she agreed to axe her Tinsel & Turkey Toby Treat without a fight. We also know that she will sing lead vocals on the new song the Gonads are recording for the Unity project, which suggests a trade-off. But what we don’t know is what went on in the background. Our information suggests that Gal Gonad supported her vigorously in private conversations with Lord Waistrel this week, but whether that support was ‘spurred on’ by her ‘Old Kent Road’ bombshell, or the even more devastating threat of her potentially going nuclear with the ‘Isle Of Dogs building site’ secret, is anyone’s guess.”
Crucially nobody will confirm or deny rumours that Wattsie and Waistrel have agreed to wed but there are small signs that this might be the case. A chambermaid at The Sandpiper Hotel, Barbados, where the good Lord is spending a modest six-month Christmas break, found a post-it note stuck to the head of a junior manservant that read ‘I 1/2’. “That could well be a ring size,” explains Susie. “But it might also be the code to his room safe.” (Or the size of Fat Col’s erection – Ed). A bearded commentator from Newsnight tells us, “One theory rapidly gaining ground is that Ms Wattsie and Lord Waistrel are now secretly engaged and that she could be taken up the aisle and ennobled as early as 2023. But that can only have happened if she had made the first move, which seems unlikely to long-term Wattsie observers. It’s intriguing. All we know for sure is that her position in the band is safe, in fact her position appears to be stronger than ever. Although the traditional Christmas Curry is back on, Gal has publicly endorsed her Pie & Mash January plan. It reeks of compromise and behind-scenes deals.” Barney O’Booze reports, “Fat Col seems to be the only serious player off-message. He is building up supporters – Chelsea Dom, Richie Rocker – and telling everyone that Wattsie has to go for crimes like dampening the joy of Oi Mate, wrecking Gal’s vent act and various other acts of sabotage. They’re good points but right now nobody outside of his little crew appears to be listening.”
Nov 25. The Crunch question and answer session, hosted by Gal, has been moved to 28th January at the Dublin Castle. All those street-rock legends in one place for £12! See flyer for details.
In other news: Ozzy has pushed his UK tour back to 2023… Judas Priest’s Screaming For Vengeance has been turned into a graphic novel… the first Superyob comic strip collection has been delayed to April 2022… Paris Violence are promising a new album “soon”… the Rawhides “ready to record debut ep, just as soon as someone pays for it”.
Nov 24. There has been no word from Lord Waistrel about the Wattsie Watts row so far, but our spies in Sandy Lane, Barbados, report that his Lordship’s wrinkled retainer, Scrotum, has been seen out and about trying to purchase a black hearing aid box “large henough for a diamond hengagement ring”. Hasn’t the deaf old sod got hearing aids of his own, asked one? “No,” Scrotum replied. “He uses a sturdy hantique horn.” Which apparently is enough for some women…
Nov 23. A period of sombre silence has fallen over this blog while Lord Waistrel applies the wisdom of Solomon to the great curry war conundrum, and Wattsie Watts considers her options (and possibly negotiates a punitive pre-nup). Gal has not been himself since Sunday, though. “Wattsie playing the Old Kent Road card really shook him, didn’ it?” whispers a worried Fit Bird. “An’ he knows she could still trump that with ‘Isle of Dogs building site’ card, but I’ve said too much, ain’t I?” You certainly have.
But Wattsie was reeling from two more heavy blows today as she was CONDEMNED by the great Richie Rocker and then forced to CANCEL her rebel carvery. Richie told this blog, “As you know I’m a huge fan of Wattsie, but I’m also a lover of traditional Oi!, not to mention a decent ruby, so I really think she has overstepped the mark on this one. Some working-class traditions should always be preserved. We used to have one in Liverpool, it took place once a fortnight. It was called signing on, the whole city used to do it, then everyone started getting jobs, and look what happened. The place is thriving, thus depriving working-class comics everywhere the chance to joke about Scousers not having jobs. This upsets the working-class equilibrium, something that should never be messed with. Wattsie can only be brought back into line by the mobilisation of the working class. You’re wasting your time if you think Waistrel will do anything. He’s a mate of Boris Johnson, who is so famous for dithering he makes Barraclough from Porridge look assertive! Come on Wattsie girl, back the curry nights, back The Gonads, and let’s move working class punk forward together.” Here, here! However, a furious Wattsie replied: “Richie Rocker should mind his own business. Tell that Mickey Mouser, I am bringing proper south east London back to the table. Next year, the first outing will be a pie & mash shop!” That’s more like it!
The American Gonads are “offended” that their trade offer has been declined. “You Brits are just jealous that our gal Dori is better looking than your Gal,” stormed Rodger ‘Trotsky’ Shosa who adds, “We would have more exciting things for Wattsie than curry! Just for that we are going to mail Jay to you anyway. We just need to find a short, fat box… with a lengthy extension out the middle.” Be warned Yanks, we have a nuclear deterrent – to wit one 18stone Gannon – and we know how to use him.
Nov 22. There were scenes akin to Grunwicks in the 70s yesterday as placard-waving traditionalists from the League Of Herbert Gentlefolk threatened to clash with Wattsie Watts’ army of supporters (Sid and Doris Giffer) outside of our rehearsal studio in Dartford. Only the presence of Martin Sporrell and his cohort of half-cut Charlton Boys kept good order. Wattsie was allowed to share the same studio as the rest of the band for her own protection, but once inside she silenced all discussion by simply saying “Old Kent Road” – a mysterious code that only Gal seemed to fully understand. (Oddly, on hearing the words, the colour immediately drained from his face...). Meanwhile, her poor son-in-law, JC, has been so traumatised by the controversy that he couldn’t even bring himself to turn up.
Elsewhere, the civilised world continued to react in horror at the culture-wrecking curry chaos that Wattsie has caused – our picture shows Phil McBadoe with Pete the Guv’Nor from the Hoppers registering their disapproval on Saturday night. And Chelsea Dom told the blog, “There are certain ceremonious traditions that are sacrosanct and must never be tampered with, the State opening of Parliament, the inauguration of a new Pope and the Gonads curry night. I am greatly shocked that Ms Wattsie Watts is jeopardising an event that is on a par with having tea in the presence of the Dalai Lama.” Yet Lord Waistrel, the only person with the authority to settle the matter, has been slow to respond to demands that Wattsie should be sacked. One anonymous blog insider (Effete El) whispers that the good Lord has had a soft spot for la belle Wattsie for 15 years and has long considered her to be a suitable Lady Waistrel in waiting. Marrying Waistrel would cement her long-term future in the band. Could it happen? “She would have to make the first move because of his rather Victorian devotion to modesty and chastity,” explains aristocratic relationship specialist Baroness Cecily Grievous-Teetawl. “Then she would enjoy a period of courtship, with a suitable chaperone such as the Countess of Sussex or that delightful fellow Colin Gannon on hand to protect her virtue. That is how the aristocratic romantic tradition works.” Hurrah! Finally, salvation and a painless solution is at hand. But will Wattsie grasp it? As she has shown lately, she had little time for tradition, aristocratic or otherwise...
Breaking news: Phil McDermott to join the Rawhides, Paul Mummery likely to follow… no word yet on Herbie Hancock.
Nov 21. Wattsie Watts was in shock today after experiencing the biggest backlash this side of Beki Bondage’s boudoir. The rebel singer was left reeling as respected figures from the worlds of punk rock, comedy, cooking and politics joined hardcore Gonads enthusiasts in expressing their shock and horror at her outrageous attempt to subvert the Curry Night tradition. Leading the tsunami of protest was Wattsie’s former number one fan, Fat Col who called for her immediate expulsion from the band. Paul “Stalin” Hallam branded her assault on Indian cuisine “a crime against punk – I told you she was dodgy, and she wears a wig!” While the Beer Monster Elite called her “the Meghan Markle of Cockney rock, putting her own selfish whims above the interests of a British institution loved around the world – John King will hit the roof!”
Condemnations cascaded in from everyone from Joe Pasquale to close friends of Madhur Jaffrey. An ashen-faced Steve Whale confirmed that “so-called Ms Wattsie” could now face a permanent life ban from the Punk Rock Curry Club. Even the English Liberation Front expressed their “deep regret at this counter-revolutionary news”, adding that the singer was “clearly a Bonapartist wrecker” and pinning the blame on Wattsie’s “long-standing Stalinist/Corbynist sympathies”. We could not contact the DM as he was wossname, at a Jolly Pranksters convention in Upper Dicker, but a brotherhood insider whispered, “Tel will be incensed by this blatant attack on proud working-class traditions”, adding “See, this is why we don’t let women join”.
All through the day and night, phones at Nads HQ were red hot with calls from blog readers, psychopaths and semi-mythological figures from Gonadian folklore. Sandie West (Hollywood Pest) pledged that she would “never ever shoot” the singer for her Gonads documentary film. The legendary Paul Devine (round-dodger and star of Stop That Drumming) pledged not to buy Wattsie a drink under any circumstances ever. Chelsea Dom was too distraught to put his feelings into words. Fair-minded Club 77 spokes-bloke Effete El said, “Unfortunately we have detected a regular history of luddism and disruptive behaviour from Shona – her unwillingness to do the spoof Strictly dance during Oi Mate, her refusal to take part in Gal’s side-splitting ventriloquism act or even to pose for a picture with her alien for the blog, the fuss she kicked up over the Gonads US dates… that’s not professional behaviour – it is a pattern of at best bloody-mindedness and at worst outright sabotage; Club 77 members think she could benefit by being demoted back to flag girl. Maybe let Jo Gonad move centre-stage instead?” One hour before today’s rehearsal, only two people were willing to suggest possible solutions. Webmistress Batttttty said, “Can we not compromise by just swapping the curry night naans for a few Auntie Bessie’s Yorkshire puddings?” And Rodger ‘Trotsky’ Shosa offered to let Wattsie come to the USA and join the American Gonads. He said, “We already have a hot chick, Dori, the US gal Gonad, who would look even better with Wattsie. To sweeten the deal, we’ll send you English Gonads the one and thankfully only Jay the Tripod. It’s true you’d get a lesser woman from Jay than you have with Wattsie, but you can get him to eat anything. And I do mean anything!” The trade offer was immediately rejected.
Nov 20. The rancid rift between Wattsie Watts and Gal intensified last night when Wattsie pulled out of the traditional Gonads Xmas curry night – scheduled for next month – insulted Indian food and launched her own rival Gonads Xmas carvery instead! Wattsie’s Tinsel & Turkey Toby Treat is scheduled for just two days later on an afternoon when she knows Gal can’t attend. “I’m bored to tears with curry,” she said, with disdain. “I’m a Toby Girl now.” A furious Fat Col condemned her move “without reservation” saying “curry has been part of the band’s reason for being for more than 40 years, it’s as important as lager, gin, Charlton Athletic, and to a lesser extent music. Who is this woman to attack our traditions? Wattsie must be stopped. She has insulted an entire subcontinent. This is such a deliberate provocation I wouldn’t be surprised if Belarus is behind it.” A spokesman for the fabled Darjeeling currryhouse told this blog that the restaurant is “deeply saddened” by Wattsie’s unprovoked attack, adding “We would offer her something subtle and unusual such as Chingrir Chochhori or a Malai kofta followed by Pootharekulu to widen her disappointingly narrow knowledge of our cuisine.” With tensions mounting, Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) announced that he will attend tomorrow’s rehearsal with a cohort of half-cut Charlton Boys in a bid to keep the warring factions apart.
Nov 19. Shock news! Fat Col has pulled the Rawhides out of Rebellion Festival 2022 just hours before they were due to be announced as the ‘new band stage’ headliners. Asked why, Col explained that he hadn’t realized quite how far away Blackpool was when he’d accepted the gig. “It’s over 200 miles,” he said indignantly. “That’s absurd! That’s almost Scotland! I thought it was near Luton – and that’s far enough. On top of that, the long-range weather forecast says it’s going to be a bit chilly up there in August by the effing Irish Sea, and I don’t know any of the crusty-looking bands on our stage, so bollocks to that, I’m out.” Sage thinking.
R.I.P. Chelsea hooligan turned author Martin King, co-writer with Martin Knight, of Hoolifan 1 & 2, The Naughty Nineties, Ossie: King Of Stamford Bridge and more. Another good man gone.
Breaking news: Gal and Wattsie to rehearse in separate studios this weekend… atmosphere between them “too toxic” to risk them meeting, says band insider…
Nov 18. Seen in a bookmakers in Herbert Road, Plumstead, last night, these extraordinary and quite shocking betting odds on this great band’s future! They include: Gal to quit the Gonads shortly after Christmas: 5/1. Wattsie Watts to quit the Gonads any time in the next two months: 12/1. Phil to quit the Gonads to join the East End Badoes: 10/1. Phil to join the Badoes, but stay in the Gonads (and 73 other bands): 1/3 on. Paul or James to quit the Gonads next year: 500/1. Other “choice Nads bets” included: The 100 Club gig to be the last ever gig performed by this line-up: 3/1. Next curry night to be announced before the next gig: 2/1. Miss Management to post the minutes of October’s curry night meeting any time before New Year’s Eve, 2022: 99/1. Wattsie Watts to join the Rawhides: 7/1. Phil to join The Rawhides: 2/1. Wattsie Watts to take umbrage at another entirely imagined slight: 6/4. (It’s no surprise to learn that the betting shop is just a short stroll from the home of jovial gut-bucket Colin Gannon...)
STOP PRESS. In an unexpected twist Phil McBadoe tells us “The DM is having a right tin bath. I wouldn’t work with that Millwall Muppet if me own Gregory Peck was on the line. No way, Pedro. You can tell that East End Sadoe that he can stick his band up his Aris.” Shit-stirrer supreme, Fat Col, responded: “Well said, Phil. You’ve buggered up my betting odds but leaving the Gonads for the Sadoes would have been the equivalent of jumping off the Woolwich ferry and climbing aboard a sinking tug boat”.
Nov 17. An emergency meeting of Club 77 today called on Lord Waistrel to jet back immediately from Barbados to fix the mounting crisis inside the Gonads sparked by reports of Phil McBadoe attempting to rejoin the Badoes and rumours of an “unbridgeable chasm” growing between Wattsie and Gal Gonad. Club 77 organiser Effete El said, “Waistrel must intervene! Only he has the wisdom and seniority to keep Phil at the heart of this great band and knock those two soppy singers’ heads together.” Lord Waistrel is laying low however after being accused by the gutter press of “inappropriately touching” a female punk star in 1981, offering to bathe Astrid von Hinton in warm champagne yesterday, and again this morning, and of propositioning a senior Vive Le Rock journalist, Viv Vomit, at Rebellion in 2015 – charges his manservant has denied.
In related news, an unnamed source close to the DM says that El Tel “furiously and completely” refutes claims that he had given a statement about Phil McBadoe to this blog yesterday…and Gal is completely uncontactable after leaving on a dubious week-long pub crawl across Leicestershire on Sunday. We asked his PA, Fit Bird, to explain the throbbing tensions between him and Wattsie. “It’s all down to a complete misunderstanding, innit?” she replied. “It’s just Wattsie imaging things that ain’t there, like she does with ghosts and aliens and lizard-men conspirators against humanity. She copped the hump over nothin’, didn’ she? Then when Gal held out an olive branch, she snapped it in half! So it ain’t so much a rift as a toxic split, a proper nasty crack” – which puts firmly back in Fat Col territory.
Nov 16. Band announcement: we are sorry to say that we are now unable to play the Ilfracombe Punk Festival in February due to work commitments.
Fat Col’s rude country punk band The Rawhides are set to be confirmed for the Rebellion 2022’s new bands stage next August, the rascal assures us. But in an unexpected twist, Col says the Rawhides will be playing “all of the great Gonads songs that the current line-up blanks – to wit Gob, England’s Glory, Valhallaballoo, The Growler, Yeti, British Steel, Hey You, Go Mad With The Gonads and the rest. So anyone who sees the Rawhides will get the real ‘12inch mix’ Gonads experience. And we will have flag girls too. No surrender to PC bollocks!” Blimey.
Nov 15. We hear through the grapevine that Phil McDermott has asked to rejoin the East End Badoes. Sources close to the DM confirm that these conversations have indeed taken place. We’re also hearing disturbing reports of a new “serious rift” in the band between Gal and Wattsie. More news when we have it.
Nov 14. For Remembrance Sunday, British Steel.
Peace in our time! The Greatest Cockney Christmas is back ON as the 100 Club set-closer after it was successfully performed at rehearsals earlier today. But some band members have privately condemned Gal for “over-reacting” to the crisis. One unnamed female vocalist tells us that Sir Gonad has become “increasingly volatile” of late and has even been heard discussing top secret plans to emigrate and set up the Lord Waistrel Tavern on the Portuguese Algarve with fearsome Scottish TV critic Ally Ross, leaving the band, his job and indeed his nearest and dearest far behind. The pub would be funded by former rag-and-bone man turned millionaire, Sir Treacle Walker, a known associate of Lord Waistrel and Terence Hayes, DM. In the meantime, Gal is now expected to push to “bring back flag girls” just for “the glorious mischief of controversy”. Please note: women who want to become flag girls should be advised that Fat Col is not now, and never has been, in a position to audition. (Actually Col is dating again now, but only because he’s run out of money for Chinese massage parlours.)
Nov 13. This just in: the Gonads on the verge of permanent split, says band insider, as tempers rise over “The Greatest Cockney Christmas” bust-up, Ilfracombe punk fest “now in doubt” – more news when we get it… in other news, the Cockney Rejects play Manchester’s Star & Garter on the 20th November with Boilermaker… and NWBHM pioneers Vardis release the live version of their debut album, 100M.P.H.@100Club on Friday.
Nov 12. A British poet made history this week after selling a single poem for more than half a million dollars at a New York auction. Arch Hades sold her poem Arcadia for $525,000 at Christies in Manhattan – making it the most expensive poem ever sold. Blimey. Think how much the original of Barney Rubbles’ epic Beans must be worth... In other poetry news, Tim ‘Teething’ Wells’ new horror novel will be published next year. Timmy tells us he’s made a few changes and the covers still needs some work but it’s “progressing steadily”. R.I.P. Seething Wells. Stay strong, Gal Johnson.
Rhoda Dakar DJs at the Shine On Weekender at Butlins, Minehead, starting tonight.
We’re hearing reports of a “furious fall-out” over plans for us to play The Greatest Cockney Christmas at the 100 Club. Gal wants to end the set with the ahem, satirical festive gem, but Phil ‘Ten Bands’ Badoe claims it’s “too difficult” to learn in five weeks. Hmm. According to a passing musician it’s “just a scale run and a few major chords”; “laziness might be a factor,” they add. Gulp. This is the kind of thing that gets out of hand.
Nov 11. They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them.
Nov 7. STOP PRESS. We’re gutted to hear that UB40’s Astro has died after a short illness. Terence ‘Astro’ Wilson 1957 – 2021, R.I.P.
Nov 7. Advance warning: Fat Col tells us that he will have his traditional Christmas stall back in Woolwich market from the 4th to 24th December. This year’s festive stock will include:
*A CD of his own Rawhides band “redneck and rude” demos.
*A Wattsie Watts ‘Alien-to-English’ universal translator.
*The Lee Wilson wallet (it never opens!).
*Col’s patented Bex-Ray Spex that allow the user to see through any garments worn by Rebecca Bex of Bexatron!
*State-of-the-art Wattsie Watts hearing aids (which double as engagement rings).
*Millwall Nige’s “stage-ready” Groper Gloves with Velcro fingers.
And an improved Growler blow-up sex-doll with a “semi-efficient” mute button. Plus:
Col’s 2021 novelties range, including the “Mountain O’ Max” guidebook, which demonstrates how to re-create the hilarious poppadom-based humour of the great Max Spartan – so you too can sabotage a Curry Club outing by ordering fifty extra poppadoms, safe in the knowledge that every other bugger will have to pay for ’em. As is now traditional, Col will also be selling illegal “Nagasaki-strength” Gonads curry pots under the counter… (Health note: avoid the £5 “fresh ’n’ frothy” Golden Goblets at all costs).
Nov 5. So sad to hear that we’ve lost veteran rock writer Pete Makowski just days after the legendary Malcolm Dome, and not that long after the great Alan Lewis. Kids, if you know an ageing rock writer, be extra kind to them, buy them drinks, give them drugs, offer them your sisters. Their eyes might be failing and their memories might evaporate like spit on a stove, but think of the immortal bands they brought to your attention. The old breed are irreplaceable – and they won’t be here forever. (This has been an appeal on behalf of the Bearded Reviewers & Extraordinary Writers union. Or BREW. And they’ll have one of them too.) RIP Pete and Malcolm. Put a ring fence around Mick Wall.