Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
Nov 30. The Germans have been in touch. Baron Otto von Arschgesicht, a distinguished Bavarian opera director, calls Nads HQ in beautiful downtown Chelsfield. “Gonads,” he booms. “Ve have heard of zis Quest for ze Golden Goblets you are writing. Ve are liking this.” (Stop with the Allo Allo accents – Ed). (Okay, killjoy – bloggers). The Baron goes on “I am confident that you will let us stage it in Munich a year from now. We see it as a grand production in the spirit of RameauI with lasers, thunder, lightning and lighting effects which would raise a raging off-yellow coloured tsunami, und Das Yeti, a sea monster that Poseidon calls down upon Fat Col’s head.” We love it, we tell him. Is there any more? “Ja,” he says. “In the grand finale, the diva Wattsie Watts is stripped down to her Victoria’s Secret underwear and placed centre stage on plastic sheeting, and then the entire contents of the goblets are rained down upon her in a glorious five minute golden shower.” He takes our speechlessness as agreement. “You like it, ja? She vill do it for ART. No?” Nein, we tell him. “Then you are a Scheiskopf and a dummkopf, du dumme Fotze,” he says and slams down the phone. Charmant. Will the great dream of the Golden Goblets fall at the first hurdle? It seems likely. Like Orpheus we feel a gut-wrenching sense of loss... (Wait, Wattsie shops at Victoria’s Secret?!??!? – Col).
Stand by, Pranksters. Big news is coming.
Nov 29. Fat Col has been at it again. It seems he has convinced Rodger ‘Trotsky’ Shosa that neither Shona nor Shira nor Shayna will be able to take part in the next US mini-tour (which we re-iterate is not confirmed or even pencilled in) and has tasked Rodge with the mission of finding a “hot Sherman bird who can chirp a bit... must be called SHEENA... to take the Wattsie Watts role”. Col claims to be acting under the direct command of Lord Waistrel, which seems about as likely as the British Establishment ever allowing Brexit to happen. Democracy is broken (continued Sidney Arms).
Nov 27. Thanks to Fat Col’s devious machinations, both the Gonads and the Gonads USA are currently on stand-by for US dates next May which, we re-iterate, ARE NOT CONFIRMED and MAY NEVER HAPPEN. Machiavellian rogue Gannon has got Jay the Tripod “spitting feathers”, we are told. A source close to the American band members last night condemned “greedy UK Gonads” for even thinking about doing Stateside shows. “Without Jay the Tripod, who will be there to cock-block?” he fumed. “Without Rodger ‘Trotsky’ Shosa who will step in and drive the van to and from Vegas? Without Geoffrey C. Palmer who will jam in said van with The Golden Shot? Without ShiraGirl who will go onstage in a radical black bra – no disrespect Paul, but it ain’t the same. A Gonads US tour without cock-blocking, sing-songs and outrageous pissing anecdotes would be a tragedy.” Nads fans in Club 77 USA are believed to be split 52% to 48% on which of the two bands to back. A passing toff demanded a “People’s vote” and was punched swiftly in the throat.
Nov 26. Nads ad: Calling all punk poets! Are you feeling ignored? Under-valued? Send us your ditties carefully typed on A4 sheets and we will put them to good use. Soft paper please. Contact ShutTheFuckUp Bog Paper Specialists Ltd, Arsenal.
Nov 25. Random whispers: Gal is said to be considering a 40 years of Oi compilation album for 2020... Poison Idea have been confirmed for Rebellion Festival as part of their farewell tour. Other confirmed bands for 2019 include Descendents, D.O.A., Cocksparrer, The Skids, Donkey Dom and Dwarves... Conflict play the New Cross Inn on Old Year’s Night.
Nov 24. Lieutenant Coldumbo has delivered what he calls “an interim report” into the great “Fake Sandie” scandal. Interim?!? The former LAPD detective’s fee to date is a staggering $15,000 (and rising by the day) so we can only hope he gets the time to reach a conclusion before tightwad Waistrel pulls the plugs. On the plus side, the longer he takes, the longer this blog stays open... Coldumbo’s report has been typed, worryingly, on a vintage Olivetti, but it comes in at 397 pages with numerous photographic attachments, suggesting a serious degree of diligence. It begins: ‘It was a warm day in November, but then Venice Beach is always warm. The sun was as yellow as the Kerrygold butter melting quietly on my bagel. And the breeze was as listless as a bored lap-dancer in a fifth-rate titty club on a 3am shift with only Lee Wilson in the audience, his hands crammed firmly into his pockets. I had come to find Sandie West – real or fake, I didn’t care. But the screech of a badly-driven car turning fast followed by the thud of its tyre hitting the kerb and the crack of its passenger side bouncing off a parked Chevrolet suggested I had just missed her. No matter. I walked 130, maybe 150, yards north from her spa (the scene of some of Fake Sandie’s biggest crimes) and turned right into Washington Boulevard. Thirty seconds later I found it. A low-rent Mexican eaterie, full of hombres speaking Spanish. I sensed these men were not Trump voters. On the wall was pinned a picture of Gal Gonad and Clyde Ward with the banner headline “BEWARE! FEDERALES!”. Yeah this was the place... the place where, just over a year ago, the two poor limeys had got sucked into Sandie West’s House of Horrors and suckered into her plans for global domination. I nodded at the Colombian chef and flashed my badge. He sighed. I knew I had to ask questions and he knew he had to answer them... ’
The intrepid investigator burbles on in a similar vein for 283 pages until he hits “the good stuff” which for the sake of everyone’s patience we will now summarise: almost as an after-thought, Coldumbo used his LAPD connections to access CCTV records of all the horrific Fake Sandie incidents. The results are mind-boggling, for the pictures show that Fake Sandie is “virtually identical” to the real deal! Fake Sandie interviewing Rhoda Dakar looks exactly like Actual Sandie (AKA “the Villeneuve of Venice”)... and the same is true of the “Sandie” involved in car smashes and band bust-ups in places like Longbeach, San Diego and Pomona . The great sleuth then reaches a startling conclusion. He writes: ‘There are only two possible explanations – either Sandie West has an evil twin, or some twisted demon has created a Twin Peaks style avatar of her... ’ Yeah. That’ll be it. Money well spent.
OUT now: Leftover Crack’s new double album compilation, Leftover Leftover Crack: The E-Sides And F-Sides from Fat Wreck Chords... and out on Friday from Rebellion Records: “Oi! Ain’t Dead #7, a Dutch-themed comp featuring new or newish bands including Savage Beat, Live By The Sword, The Reapers, Complaint and defunct combo Razorblade.
Nov 23. Fat Col says he has solved the problem of the “explosive” Shona v Shira controversy concerning Las Vegas next May. “They must strip down to their bras and knickers and slog it out in a mud pit,” He says sagely. Oaf. He adds: “Preferably in slow motion... Failing that, sack ’em both and bring in Shayna Ross.” Let us emphasis that as of this moment the Gonads are NOT on the PRB bill and are not in direct contact with the Stern brothers who promote it. Passing Prankster Slippery Ted whispers: “This whole debacle appears to have been hyped by Fat Col who is clearly trying to start some kind of international cat fight. Good on ya, mate!”
*Happy bOI!fday avid Nads fan Charlton Jubs, 40 today.
Nov 22. Shiragirl calls. “I hear that you’re trying to get the Gonads on the bill at Punk Rock Bowling,” she says demurely. “The Gonads USA would be ready to back Gal and Clyde as before, with me in the ‘Wattsie’ role of course.” There could be trouble ahead...
Nov 21. Here it is, the line-up for next year’s Punk Rock Bowling... but what’s this? No Gonads? A shocked Shona Wattsie Watts immediately told Gal: “Get us on this bill or there will be painful repercussions.” To which a passing Fat Col was heard to say “Decisions, decisions... ”
Nov 20. Cheers to Graffiti Vibe for this succinct review of our PolyFest performance. They write: ‘The Gonads provided some tremendous humour during their loud and raucous set, culminating in a well-deserved encore.’ Right on! Vive Le Rock – who are ya? (And more to the point, where were ya?)
Here’s Cock Sparrer’s brand new video.
The Batphone rings. It’s Lt Coldumbo from Los Angeles who tells us he has made “a jaw-dropping breakthrough” in the Fake Sandie West case. We’ll let you know more once the lawyers have had a shufty... .
Nov 19. Oi! Here’s the Human Punk Xmas party... good to see the Members still standing firm. It reminds us of Judge Dread’s great comment: “If the 4-Skins, the Members and the Gonads got together with The Slits there’s no telling what would happen... ” (Things would go Wet Wet Wet surely? – Ed)
Nads Ads’ exclusive Christmas offer: Gannon Pour Homme – an exciting new fragrance from Waistrel’s House Of Crap. A subtle blend of pale ale, phal and Doctor Marten boots with a side order of bacon butties. Guaranteed to “make birds go bonkers” or no money back. TV’s Stacey Slater says: “Just one sniff of Gannon and me drawers fell right off!” Gannon Pour Homme, a steal at 50 sovs a gallon, available only from House Of Crap (Plumstead* Benidorm*Chad*Dubai). Manufacturer’s Warning: Do not smoke in proximity to product.
NOV 18. The new NOi!se single Mass Apathy tackles the heated topic of gun violence in the US, and more specifically the increasing spiral of school shootings there. Etched on the vinyl 12” are the words: ‘How many more children have to die?’. The record is on the ever-reliable Pirates Press label and all proceeds will be donated to relevant charities. The goal they say is “to get people demanding changes to policies that endanger the lives and futures of America’s children”. Fans will vote to decide which charities will get the dosh.
In other news, Blink 182 are flogging a limited edition t-shirt, with 100% of the proceeds going to the Red Cross Disaster Relief – Wild Relief fund which is supporting the victims of the California wildfires and the dedicated emergency services fighting the blaze and cleaning up in its wake.
“Who are Oxley’s Midnight Runners?” asks reader Cheryl Peachtree of Fiddling Lane, Stowton. Dear oh dear, Chezza, we are shocked by your ignorance. Oxley’s are an Oi band from Phoenix, Arizona, featuring today's equivalent of Monty Python’s Arthur ‘Two Sheds’ Jackson, Lars ‘Ten Bands’ Frederiksen. Other members are Mike from The Fatskins, and Jeff & Dave from 90 Proof and Boot Party. They took their name from Hoxton Tom’s Oxo’s Midnight Stumblers who performed ‘Beano’ on Son Of Oi and their first EP was ‘We Are The Legion’ released in May 2014. By the way, those kids on the front cover of Son Of Oi are Gal’s eldest. The pic was taken when they lived on the now demolished Ferrier Estate in Kidbrooke, London SE3.
Louise Distras may be regretting her online “Ask me anything?” session to promote Street Revolution last night. We did try to stop Fat Col getting through, Lou, honest we did. And we promise we had no idea he would ask you THAT. With a melon? It can’t be done, surely?
Nads Ad: Do you worry that you are too gullible? Do you let people take advantage of you? Well worry not for a solution is at hand. Send me just £500 and I will cure you FOR LIFE! Honest Enterprises c/o Martin Sporrell aggressivegooner.com
Nov 17. Waistrel’s man in California, former LAPD detective Lt Coldumbo reports that he has made a “significant breakthrough” in the search for Sandie West’s dodgy impersonator Fake West. He tells us: “Dead men are heavier than broken hearts” (Eh? – Ed). “Acting on a tip off, I went to Alex’s Bar in Long Beach, looking as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel cake. Here I met men, or rather half-men – shallow hulks who will never recover – who claimed to have experienced the fake West last November. These poor traumatised souls told me stories that would chill the blood of the Human Torch... stories of Fake West knocking support bands for cash, of bad driving, drink-driving, car crashes, leaving the scene of accidents and so on. Obviously I need to verify these claims with my good friend Chief Loony at Long Beach PD and speak to bands like Matamoska and other known eye-witnesses including a suspicious sounding pair of rogues calling themselves Jay The Tripod and Rodger ‘Trotsky’ Shosa who may well have been victims of a criminal long fraud – or part of one. But it seems likely that we will at least be able to access CCTV footage within five working days and thereby expose the imposter. Fake West’s days are numbered. Down these mean streets... ” Yeah, yeah. More to follow.
Nov 16. Spunge are back with new single Get Out released on Friday week (23rd). Out now: the new Sick Of It All LP, Wake The Sleeping Dragon – 17 tracks of hardcore chaos... The Cramps’ compilation album Bad Music For Bad People, is available again on vinyl from Drastic Plastic... Coming soon: The Ejected album Come n Get It, the new Oxley’s Midnight Runners single Furies and Jenny Woo’s latest album Tear Down The Walls (all from Randale)... we’re also hearing reports of a big name Business tribute album to be released next year to raise money for charity. More news when we have it.
Nads Ad: Slave seeks mistress. Tell me where, tell me when and make it sting. Anonymously yours, Slave Col.
Nov 15. Fears grow for the mental well-being of Sandie West (Hollywood’s best) who is obviously being driven to distraction by the nefarious activities of her twisted double Fake West. One spa insider tells us: “Sandie is under a lot of stress, why only today she posted a plug for our ‘chakra’ festival on Facebook boasting ‘ten reasons to go’ but actually numbering twelve rather piss-poor reasons.’ She must be seeing double.” Or drinking them.
Nads Ad: Sperm donor needed! Must come quickly. The Nosher, third shed from the left, Bexley allotments.
Nov 14. Last night’s Highway To Hell is now on Spreaker.
Nov 13. Gal’s next Rancid Sounds will go out at 11pm on 20th November, with brand new songs from the Ratchets, Louise Distras, Neville & Sugary Staple and many more. But if you’re bored tonight you can hear his latest Highway To Hell hard rock extravaganza go out live at 11pm. Louise Distras has released new single Street Revolution ahead of the album of the same name due out in January.
This just in: The Dropkick Murphys have announced their annual St. Patrick’s Day Tour. It’ll kick off on 17th February and build up to four Boston hometown shows. Tour supports will be Booze & Glory, Lenny Lashley and Amigo The Devil. But the Boston shows are also going to feature The Devil Makes Three, The Interrupters and Stop Calling Me Frank,
John King’s latest novel Slaughterhouse Prayer has finally been published. Fat Col got his copy yesterday from a West End book shop utilising the old tried and trusted “five finger discount” and immediately branded it “a vile exercise in sustained vegan propaganda of the most dangerous and debased kind”. Out of respect to our BME comrade, we are doing our best to stop The Bitch getting hold of it. (As always in such matters, JK, a crisp £20 note or two helps... )
CORRECTION. The Seer has been in touch, keen to point out that “inter-dimensional interference” caused him to misinterpret one message from “The Other Side” over the weekend. It seems it is not cuckoos who will change their call but CROWS. His face puffed from psychic exertions, the great mystic reveals: “Yes by 2023, crows will have changed their distinctive call from “caw-caw” to “cor-cor, Wattsie put that cat-suit on again and make Col’s day”. Well that certainly makes more sense.
Nads Ad (Lonely Hearts): Over-weight middle aged male seeks non-judgemental female, looks not important, I care about your mind and GSH. If you like punk, comedy, and talking street philosophy with a progressive new man, then I am the one for you. Contact Caring Colin, Box 69. (Please note: The successful candidate must have good legs, plenty of dosh, enjoy anal and bang like a shit-house door).
Nads Ad: Wanted! New members. Apply immediately – Sevenoaks Suicide Club.
STOP PRESS: R.I.P. Stan Lee. The Marvel Comics genius, who has died aged 95, revolutionised comic books ‘ with incredible creations (or co-creations) including Spider-Man, the X-Men, the Fantastic Four, the Hulk, Iron Man, Daredevil and Doctor Strange. He also resurrected Thor. Lee along with Steve Ditko and Jack Kirby pushed costumed superhero culture to a new level in the 1960s and ushered in the silver age of American comic books. His characters inspired rock bands, punk bands and rappers... and may even have played a small part in the genesis of our own FrankenSkin and Superyob, the filthy Street Sounds cartoon strip created by Gal and Colin Edmonds writing as ‘GG & Col’. Excelsior, always.
Nov 12. The Seer has been in touch. His battered old crystal balls have throbbed back into life and he has foreseen the tracks on the next East End Badoes album... which include: Where Have All The Nappies Gone?, Toddler Boys, Mob Maternity, Sticking To My Baby Gum Wipes, Teething On The Street and The Creche It’s Got To Be... The great psychic also predicts that Steve Kent and Steve Whale’s farewell version of The Business will “play England as well as Berlin” next year... that the Royal Opera House’s 2022 production of our own Search For The Golden Goblets will result in a prestigious New Production award and a £357,000 cleaning bill... and that cuckoos will change their call from the familiar “cu – ckoo” to the more poignant “Oi Shira, why not give Fat Col a go? There’s a slim chance it might be fun.”
Nov 11. Remembrance Sunday: They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old. Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning. We will remember them.
Nov 10. We’re pleased to announce we’ll be playing London again next October, at the 100 Club with Lion’s Law and the East End Badoes, courtesy Human Punk...
NADS AD: Looking for a good job? We’re doing one next Friday. Contact Big Billy Boy or Willie the Wheelman c/o the Crooked Lodge, Chislehurst. No filth.
RECORD Noos: I SCREAM RECORDS have made their cracking Worldwide Tribute To The Real Oi compilations volumes one and two available again on colour vinyl. Both double albums include digital download... Grade 2’s Break The Routine album is available from Pirates Press; vinyl version is limited to 200 copies & comes with digital download; their Mainstream View LP is also back out on vinyl thanks to Skippy and the team.
NADS AD: Women! I am the man of your dreams... if the man you dream of is hugely overweight with an under-average sized penis. Mr X (To meet Mr X contact C. Gannon of Plumstead)
Nov 9. Congratulations to Terence Hayes, PM, whose daughter Connie has just popped his new granddaughter into the world. Rumours that the next East End Badoes album will include Babysitting Grandpa, Nappy-Changin’ Me and a lullaby mix of Poplar Boys cannot be confirmed or denied at this time...
Using Lord Waistrel’s loophole, we are able to let you know that We Are The League, the new Anti Nowhere League documentary is “the dog’s bollocks”; our film reviewer Lee Wilson tells us: “It’s really well-made and does them justice.” Blinding! In other news, the new Pirates Press compilation is out now and essential listening. The vinyl double album, Skippy’s landmark 200th release, packs in classic tracks from m RANCID, COCK SPARRER, NOi!SE, TIM TIMEBOMB AND FRIENDS, THE INTERRUPTERS, DETOURNEMENT, THE DOWNTOWN STRUTS, ARGY BARGY, BOOZE & GLORY, BISHOPS GREEN, REDUCERS-SF, THE COMPLICATORS, THE STRUGGLE, SMALLTOWN, SUEDE RAZORS, ROADSIDE BOMBS, THE RE-VOLTS, THE RATCHETS, 45 ADAPTERS, OFF WITH THEIR HEADS, BUM CITY SAINTS, THE BAR STOOL PREACHERS, TERRITORIES, STREET DOGS, THIS MEANS WAR!, LION’S LAW, THE WORKIN’ STIFFS, KICKER, LENNY LASHLEY’S GANG OF ONE, HARRINGTON SAINTS, SYDNEY DUCKS, EVIL CONDUCT, BOMBSHELL ROCKS, and THE OLD FIRM CASUALS! Viva los pirates!
Also out now: the Swingin' Utters/Nothington Split single on 7inch Colour Vinyl 7" (Red Scare records). It’s Nothington’s farewell release. The Utters track features a rowdy duet with Johnny Peebucks and Jack Dalrymple... and the Ratchets’ new album First Light. Colour vinyl version includes digital download and is limited to 400 copies.
Nov 7. Lord Waistrel, full of grace and wisdom, has lifted his blog ban temporarily so that we can show you some snaps from the weekend's magnificent Polyfest gig (below)... And also because he is concerned about the activities of a nefarious con artist operating in Los Angeles. His Lordship asked us to intervene after learning that his good friend Rhoda Dakar had been duped into being filmed and interviewed by an obvious fraudster claiming to be Sandie West (Hollywood's best). An eyewitness tells us: “Rhoda was interviewed by the woman last week. She said she was Sandie West and that she was doing a documentary. She mentioned Gal and the Gonads by name, which is why we let her in. But this is how it went... Firstly, she was an hour late and missed her slot. So, after the show she was absolutely pissed as a rat. Insisted on holding the camera, which was all over the place. Asked stupid and irrelevant questions which she could barely mouth! Basically, a car crash... ” Sandie West, late? Drunk? Incompetent? A car crash? We won’t have it! It’s absurd! The Spielberg of the Spa would never sink so low. This is identity theft plain and simple. Beware Rhoda, you've been pranked!
P.S. Waistrel tells us he has put his “best man” (former LAPD Lieutenant Coldumbo) on the case and will re-open the blog “if he makes any headway or tracks the blighter down.” So mote it be.
After show drinks with stand-in bassist JC Cruttwell of the Badoes.