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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

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Nov 29. Woo-hoo! The Nutty NYE Ball returns at London's 229 on Old Year's Night with three rooms of magical music. In the beat basement: CAT BLACK will conduct midnight mass celebrations with their wild live show. Think Stones, MC5 and The Stooges all rolled into one...

The Gonads Website The mid-60s sounding BARON FOUR are playing too, while the main ballroom will resound to the classic strains of Motown and Northern Soul all night long. There's even a mix of R&B, Ska and Jazz to groove along in room 3. It's like "Nadsfest for Mods" says a passing hipster. Advance tickets are on sale now, £16 in advance (it's £22 on the door)

Nov 27. Fat Col's alternative Punk Rock Curry Club night is ON! The alt-curry is open to "all punk and Oi bands and characters" who "want to throw off the yoke of John King's foul tyranny" says Col. It will be held on the Kent/south east London borders on 12th December – one week after King's event, dominated by his so-called Beer Monster Elite, in the City. Contact us for details.

Nov 26. Furious Vince Riordan has blasted Malcolm McLaren's son for burning priceless Sex Pistols memorabilia. "This Joe Corré says he's burning £5million worth of memorabilia cos punk is dead," the bassist fumes. "Prick! Come to a Rejects gig, you cunt, we'll show you what punk is... poor little rich boy... " Here, here!

Bolshy bard Louise Distras is recording a live album tomorrow night at Berlin venue Wild At Heart. Called with surprising clarity Louise Distras – Live In Berlin, the download-only album will include songs from Lou's Dreams from the Factory Floor debut album as well as some tasty tasters from her next one. All proceeds will go towards funding the second album.

In other record news brilliant Czech streetpunk band Cirguz have just released their new and possibly last album Svet uz je jinak via Pirates Press. It's described by the impartial folk at the label as the band's masterpiece...

Fat Col's war of words with John King is escalating. Although he denies being part of the underground Carnivore League, Col is openly dismissively of the "undemocratic" PPGB. "All this talk of The Leader, with his unbending agenda, his putsches, his bier keller nights and his hostile youth wing sticks in the gullet," says Colin. "Are they socialists, as they claim or is there a nastier 'ism' creeping into this equation?" He goes on with a rhetorical flourish: "It is time for a new party, but we want one that stands for freedom and fraternity, one that stands for opportunity and equal rights, one that stands for England." Here, here. We're guessing he means E.L.F., the secretive English Liberation Front. But will they heed Col's plea and go public? And if so, can they beat the PPGB to the punch (or any other alcoholic refreshment)? Only time will tell.

Nov 25. Christmas is coming, Fat Col is getting fat(ter), please put a penny in Lord Waistrel's hat... Yeah, Xmas is only a month away, folks. So in the festive spirit of Black Friday we're offering you lucky people a chance to buy quality Nads products at an amazing discount. Yes, you can buy all three of our latest releases – the All The Loon Stompers CD, the London Bawling CD and the Gonads By The Thames DVD – and we'll give you a whopping £10 back! Here's how it works: you order at the full price and we'll refund your cockle once the funds clear. This offer is good for the next three weeks only. And, if you already own one of these precious items, you can substitute it for a copy of Gal's Sounds Of Glory Vol 2 – The Punk & Ska Years on request. Oi the bargain or what?

Nov 24. We play Montpellier, France, on 10th March 2017 with Infa Riot, Chron Gen, On The Job and Gonna Get You. More details to follow, mes amis.

Controversy Corner: in a shock turn of events, John King and his so-called Beer Monster Elite have moved to "annex" the Punk Rock Curry Club. Using electronic means, the Leader's forces disrupted well-laid plans for the club's Xmas meet and replaced them with "a drunken free-for-all". The ruthless putsch occurred earlier today. Our source, who refuses to be named for fear of King's vicious KJY hooligans whispered: "We had a micro-pub lined up with a fine selection of quality ales on tap and a restaurant renowned for its high culinary standards. But the Leader took exception to coming south of the river. He has changed the date and is insisting on a five hour session of crap beer drinking before we sit down to eat, by which time 'any old ropy curry-house will do'. It's a sad day for conn-oi-sseurs of pukka Indian grub."

Not everyone is rolling over in the face of the King campaign, however. Fat Col is planning to call on an alternative PRCC do and is even believed to be the brains behind the militant new Carnivore League who plan to infiltrate the PPGB next year and over-turn its 'deranged vegan agenda'. Expect fireworks. And pigs in blankets.

Nov 23. Gal's concussion has left him "dazed, confused and incoherent", according to his PA, Fit Bird. So no change there...

There is trouble afoot, oh our brothers and only friends. We have received threatening messages from the so-called King Johnny Youth regarding yesterday's blog item concerning the People's Party of Great Britain. John King's hot-headed youth wing apparently took offence at our 'sausage' reference and are threatening direct action against the band. Our source inside the fledgling party hints at the existence of "The Leader's private List", which is said to contain the names of JK's enemies, "real or imagined". Our source goes on: "As one of the Ten Laws of the PPGB is a move to true Nation Of Animal-Lovers status" – enforced vegetarianism – "the Leader would find it hard to ignore such inflammatory remarks, as there will be a level of righteous expectation from his street-fighting force". A belligerent Fat Col has hit back by saying that only real meat vendors will be allowed to trade at Nadsfest (Does rat count? – Slippery Sid, steak & kidney pie supplier to the gentry). He also made a foul "joke" confusing the KJY with KY Jelly but to print it would be like throwing petrol on a blazing bonfire. The worsening row casts doubts on whether Gal could ever be a minister in a future PPGB government, but our source says: "You only have to agree with Seven of the party's Ten Laws to be welcomed into the PPGB". Phew!

How likely is it to happen though? Political analyst Andrew Marrd writes: 'The People's Party of Great Britain was originally viewed as a kind of UKIP of the Left as it was both socialist and fervently pro-Brexit; ideologically in many ways it over-lapped with Oi! The Party proposed by former members of the League of Labour Skins. Ministers in a John King government are expected to include the likes of Judge Shed as Minister of Justice, Manic Esso as Home Secretary, Nurse Wattsie as Health Secretary and Cass Pennant as Minister of Defence. Joe Pasquale would of course be Minister of Culture. The BBC have long assumed that Gal Gonad would be deputy leader. We also believe that the party could become a reality within months." John King once said: "The PPGB used to exist after eight pints, before Brexit it was down to two". It is currently down to one. Marrd concludes: "When it hits zero it will explode into the wider world..." So mote it be.

Nov 22. Much excitement at last night's rehearsal. During a frenzied rendition of 'Lager Top' Gal got so carried away that he headbutted a studio wall. The wall is undamaged. Long story short, our set for the 100 Club is now as tight as a gnat's foreskin and Gal has been diagnosed with grade 3 concussion. The Gonads: making British punk rock grate again.

Plans to include 'White Christmas' at the December show have been shelved, sadly, due to time constraints. But Fat Col tells us that the FrankenSkin will be "fully revived" next year. He also revealed that there were more weirdly exciting developments during the day. First John King contacted Nads HQ demanding that we bring back the Bushell babes for the 100 Club show. "You must bring at least five," he decreed. This has caused some confusion. "Wattsie Watts would not approve," explains Col. "However we would be foolish to turn down a request from the leader of the People's Party of Great Britain." (No-one knows when the stern-faced King will launch his austere socialist party but it would be nice to play at his coronation... before he locks us up for eating sausages.) We were also contacted yesterday afternoon by Micky Pugh, the Cockney comedy legend, who told us that All The Loon Stompers was "as good as New Boots & Panties" and "deserves a mass audience". Right and all.

Lord Waistrel has moved swiftly to quash the whole "Nadsfest" debacle. He is said to have exercised "Trump-like diplomacy" to reach "an historic settlement" with Fishy Nicci and the moaning minnies who had tried to delay, devalue or otherwise undermine our fortieth anniversary celebrations next year. How so? "It was hextremely simple," explains Scrotum, Waistrel's wrinkly retainer. "'Is Lordship just explained that the Gonads were not now and never will be a democracy. 'E then showed that Nicci creature a picture of 'is good self with four of 'is closest friends who just 'appen to be 'Igh Court Judges. Long story short, 'er bottle went... " As a consequence Nadsfest will be "hexactly" what Waistrel and his trusted colleagues FB, Fat Col and The Beast (yeah, he's back) decide it should be. Nuff said.

Nov 21. Calling all herberts! This is our next gig! The 100 Club with the Cockney Rejects on 21st December. Be there or be square, Daddio!

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The Gonads WebsiteNov 17. Fat Col has hit back at "Nadsfest knockers" by distributing this flyer around the pubs of Charlton, Woolwich, Blackheath and Plumstead. It says 'Nadsfest 2017 – Herbert Culture'. "It's a taster for great things to come," he told us proudly. However the flyer was ridiculed last night by Fishy Nicci who dismissed it as "vague, feeble and completely amateurish", adding "Look, it's not even trimmed at the end properly". The wee Scot went on: "Frankly it's an embarrassment and Col's a bampot".

The Manchester Punk Fest organisers have announced their line-up for the three day event which takes place over the St George's Day weekend next April. Confirmed bands include Belvedere, Petrol Girls, Strike Anywhere, Paint It Black, Dom's IBS, The Toasters, Ducking Punches and many more.

Nov 16. Record news: The Jesus & Mary Chain will release a surprise new album next March... Randale Records have just unleashed a new heavy vinyl version of the newest and last UK Subs album Ziezo. It comes with a red cover, a printed inner sleeve and lyrics, and is limited to 500 copies.

Nov 15. Up to 30 extra staff may need to be hired to cope with the immense workload generated by Nadsfest, according to a report that found Fat Col has "no coherent strategy" for the Gonads' 40th anniversary event. A leaked document obtained by this blog, entitled 'Nadsfest Update', warns that festival plans were progressing too slowly. The report, compiled by Fishy Nicci, also questioned whether Col and FB "have sufficient funds to realise their grand schemes". Last night a florid-faced Fat Col dismissed the report as "malicious anti-Nadsfest propaganda". He added that FB was in discussions "this very week" with relevant parties including "2 Para, Billy Smart's Circus, the Dagenham Girl Pipers and the Tommy Cooper Appreciation Society". Well that's certainly put our minds at rest.

The Specials, or what's left of them, will gig with reggae legends Toots & The Maytals next summer, playing three shows in Leeds, Birmingham and The Forum in Hatfield.

Nov 13. Will Terry Hayes, PM, be advising Donald Trump like he did Jeremy Corbyn? It seems a valid question especially as we hear he has "urgent business" in New York next month, but the great man refuses to be drawn. Instead Tel urges us to write about new Lambeth-based Oi band the Punch Drunk Pirates. He tells us "They all box out of the Fitzroy in Lambeth and they did their first gig yesterday at a boozer off Waterloo Road. They're like a Dropkick Murphys/Cock Sparrer cross." Exciting! More may follow.

Alias Kid blew those over-rated bums Black Grape off the stage in Cambridge last night. Turns out Colin the drummer is an Oi fan and an AK/Nads joint single is being discussed. "Maybe 'Zara with a head-butt'," suggests our mole.

Nov 12. London alert: Cock Sparrer are in Oi Oi The Shop in Camden today, from 2pm until 5pm. No sarky remarks, we like them. Well maybe not (name censored for diplomatic reasons) so much, but the rest of 'em are good eggs.

Nov 10. Lord Waistrel is back and is kicking off about our new single, Dogging In Dartford, due out on 2nd December. His Lordship accused us of setting up the release without his managerial authorisation, which is true. But we had to make the decision ourselves as he'd disappeared for weeks on end again. Turns out the great reactionary has been in the USA helping out the Donald Trump campaign. "He's a very compassionate fellow," the good Lord claims absurdly, adding: "Just another humble billionaire with the interests of the working man at heart. We got on like a vegan on fire. I may do something similar in Britain. Have you met my new wife Doreteja? She's from Slovenia. Now pass the champagne top and shoot those bally foxes in the John Lewis ad... " (Continued the Carlton Club).

Hardcore news: Sheer Terror's Just Can't Hate Enough LP has been re-mastered and repressed by Blackout Records. It comes with three bonus tracks from their 1989 'Live At CBGB' single, including their cranked-up cover of The Cure's 'Boys Don't Cry'. LP is limited to just 500 copies.

Veteran hippy Penny Rimbaud has revealed that he suffered a heart attack at Rochdale station recently. Possibly at the shock of a train arriving on time. Pen told the BBC that confronting death was "magnificent", "liberating" and "a beautiful experience". We have censored the thoughts of Fat Col on this matter. Hear the old Crass codger here.

Nov 8. Gal’s latest book Sounds Of Glory Volume Two: The Punk & Ska Years is out now, featuring the Specials, the Jam, Madness, the Selecter, the Upstarts, the Rejects, Blondie, the Ruts, Bad Manners and many more. Fit Bird tells us he’s held the Clash and Ian Dury back for the next volume, along, we would hope, with the legendary Bert & Col.

Nov 7. English reggae legends and Handsworth revolutionaries Steel Pulse are looking for the last bit of funding for their documentary film Dreadtown. You can dread-pledge here.

Nov 6. Wattsie Watts urges all Jam fans to help fund Rick Buckler’s new book on the band’s early years – The Jam: The Start to 1977. You can find the appeal on Kickstarter

Record Noos: the new Dropkick Murphys album 11 Short Stories Of Pain & Glory is expected early in January... the new album from The Penny Cocks, Fake Gold & Broken Teeth, is out right now from Contra and Longshot... as is the new self-titled single from hard-hitting but melodic Catalonian Oi band The Upset...

All our best to Skully. You’re in our thoughts, mate. Andy Russell is Innocent, OK!

The Gonads WebsiteNov 5. What’s this? Only Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn in cahoots with Terence Hayes – the PM was pictured with the would-be PM in Islington earlier today. Sadly we are sworn to secrecy about the exact nature of their conflab, but we can’t discount the two leading internet rumours: 1) That Jezza wants Tel to intervene with the moderate League of Labour Skins and win them over to the hard Left cause 2) That he begged him to urge Wattsie Watts to proceed with her radical pro-Momentum solo ep. “Let’s hope the songs are as good as ‘Jobs Not Jails’,” JC may or may not have said...

Nov 4. Breaking News! Nadsfest plans in disarray after court rules fans must have their say! Our legal correspondent writes: Plans for Nadsfest must be approved by Club 77 (the Gonads fan club), the high court has ruled today. The judgement, delivered by Lord Grussett-Smallpiece, is a huge setback for Fat Col and FB, who had insisted that they alone would decide what Nadsfest would consist of. An ashen-faced Col tells us: “This ludicrous judgement will at best delay our 40th anniversary celebrations, and at worst it could mean they have to be cancelled. Sinister forces are at work”. He goes on: “What hurts most is Club 77 is virtually a defunct body.” The lead claimant Fishy Nicci was able to bring the case to the High Court of Justice because of the arcane nature of the fan club rules. It is believed that all members will now be able to vote on a choice between a hard Nadsfest (pure punk for row people) and Col’s so-called soft vision. “It’s not so much soft as wide,” he argues. “My Nadsfest will include wrestlers, Ska bands, street fashion, stand-up comedians, poets, darts, art exhibitions, crown bowls, arm-wrestling, variety turns, Gonads curries and” (voice drops to whisper in case Wattsie is about) “pukka lap-dancers from Eastern Europe, as well as Oi bands. It will be a celebration of Herbert Culture. Don’t let Nicci nix it.” Fat Col is appealing. (But not to me – Wattsie). This scandal will run and run. Regrettably.

Cashing In On Christmas volume 7 is out now from Rebel Sound including festive tracks from The Old Breed, Bonecrusher, the Automatics, Seaside Rebels and more.

Nov 1. Coming up on Friday – Vice Squad, Chron Gen and the Defects play London’s 100 Club, taking on Nine Below Zero at Under The Bridge, Susan ‘Hurt So Good’ Cadogan at the Hideaway Jazz Club and Killing Joke at Brixton O2 Academy... All of whom pale into total insignificance up against Absolute Bowie at the Ally Pally Bier Fest. Londoners: #spoiltforchoice

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