Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
May 23. Actual NOOS: Lord Waistrel has given us the green light to record a three-song Christmas ep, including the brand new ditty Pub Crawl, written by Gal and Leah McCaffrey. The downside? To pay for this mega-gem, tightwad billionaire Waistrel has furloughed our entire team of bloggers, so sadly this will be our last entry for May (unless something major happens). Stay well, oh our brothers and only friends.
In other noos: the great Neville Staple has written a new single Lockdown with his bubbly bride Sugary. It should be out in about a fortnight... and The Wailers have released One World, One Prayer – the band’s first official single for more than a quarter of a century. Aston Barrett Jr, the son of Bob Marley & The Wailers bassist Aston “Family-man” Barrett, is in the line-up and the chaps have persuaded Shaggy, Farruko and Bob’s daughter and grandson Cedella and Skip Marley to join in on the song which fuses reggae with Latin sounds. Emilio Estefan produced it. Expect a brand new Wailers album later this year.
May 22. Hot on the heels of the rest of the music industry, those bold pace-setters at Vive Le Rock mag will tomorrow bring us their own free online music festival. Vive Le Rockdown will feature the Cockney Rejects, the Ruts DC, Mike Monroe from Hanoi Rocks, Kirk Brandon from his mum, The Picturebooks, Glen Matlock, Dom’s IBS, the Barstool Preachers and Derek Forbes from Simple Minds. All proceeds will go to the Music Venues Trust to help keep music venues alive. It all kicks off at 7pm (UK time) here.
Not to be outdone, the Ministry Of Delusion will follow that on Sunday evening with an all-star Death After Life online fest. The incredible line-up includes Little Richard, Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, Prince, Elvis, Chuck Berry, Judge Dread, Bob Marley, Buddy Holly, Jim Morrison, Sid Vicious, Millie Small and Amy Winehouse. The stars will “manifest” themselves in this dimension via the psychic abilities of Frankie “Boy” Flame, 93. A spokesman for the M.O.D. told us: “This amazing feat of psychic power will put an enormous strain on Frankie, so stewards will be on hand to make sure his flat cap stays on.” Asked to explain the shock absence of David Bowie, the spokesman said cryptically “only the truly dead can take part”. The festival will be free to members of the Jolly Pranksters and their affiliates and all proceeds will go on rebuilding the Bifrost bridge between Earth and Asgard. The M.O.D. is the moving force behind Rock Against Reality, an initiative developed with our sister band the Orgasm Guerrillas to “prise opens cracks in perception”. A spokesman says: “In the current meta-paradigm, consciousness is assumed to emerge from the four dimensions of space-time. In the new meta-paradigm, everything we know, including space, time and matter, manifests from consciousness.” And you can’t say fairer than that.
Happy birthday FB!
May 20. Here as promised, are extracts from the latest interview with Gal Gonad.
The Gonads have had a lot of line-ups, which was the best?
I’m not playing that game. All of the line-ups have had merits. We’ve had brilliant musicians pass through our ranks, and South Coast Steve. The core of the current band has been together for five years, with only the bass player changing – it’s alternated between Clyde and JC for the last three years. James is a terrific musician who brings charisma to the stage. In fact he’s too good. Get shot of him before he takes over! Seriously, we all get on and I like that we’ve become more adventurous lately too, playing acoustic sets and the odd Ska set. As soon as the chance arises to gig we will be there. But again we’d consider playing anyway, not just on the established circuit. Jimmy Jones asked us to support him once but that might have triggered a few audience heart attacks. I loved playing a scooter rally at Mersea Island and we would willingly do more benefit gigs. Polyfest was a lot of fun. There are still countries we haven’t played, too, like Russia, Mexico, Canada and South America. We’d consider playing anywhere if the shows were properly promoted.
What are GBX about?
It’s a natural progression. We’ve done a few numbers that have been influenced by Jamaican rude reggae and Ska over the years – hence the SkaNads. GBX grew out of that but is more than that. It’s a way of doing what we do in a more accessible way. I don’t want to be bounded by other people’s rules.
What will you record next?
We have a brand new four-to-the-floor Gonads song called Federales that we need to record as soon as possible for a compilation. We’re also planning to record a new Christmas ep as soon as the studio re-opens. We’ve got a new album ready to record at some point and another official bootleg too. Just before the lockdown we were working on a new mix of Things I Hate for GBX.
What would you most like to record if money were no object?
Ha. A five album box set reflecting every aspect of the band’s personality. So a brand new Gonads album, a GBX album, a DMG album, the Prole album (which is written) and the long-promised Orgasm Guerrillas debut album. It’d be great to do properly. There’s also a psychobilly LP waiting to happen...
Which of your albums is the best?
That’s like asking me to choose between my kids! My favourites are the live double, Live Free Die Free, Back & Barking, Greater Hits Vol One: Plums, and Old Boots of course, which is some ways was the precursor to GBX.
Is punk a dying scene?
Yes and no. In some ways it’s become a nostalgia trip, but I don’t see punk as being about a look. It’s more a way of thinking – non-conformist and questioning. Punk worked because it booted its way into the national consciousness and became the poison in the machine. ‘Punk’ bands now who all dress the same, think the same, and play inaccessible songs to a tiny audience aren’t really punk in any meaningful sense. The spirit of punk is working class defiance. It’s also the spirit of rock ’n’ roll. It was in Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis. It was in Johnny Cash and Black Sabbath. But it needs to be heard. I like that there are good young bands coming up and that bands like Stomper make the charts in Germany. Punk has to have a mass audience otherwise it’s just wanking in the dark. If we had a message it would be: question everything and don’t think in boxes.
Regrets are negative. If you make mistakes learn from them. Although there was a woman in LA a long time ago who I sincerely wish I hadn’t been too drunk to open the hotel door to.
Who were the best Oi band?
The great thing about Oi is it opened the floodgates for a new breed of working class bands, many of who were excellent in different ways. There isn’t one best band, there are a lot of really great ones – the whole world over.
How likely is the film to happen?
Not with Sandie West.
How did you meet Wattsie Watts?
She turned up on my doorstep in a black latex cat-suit, and it wasn’t even Christmas.
Was she the first female Gonad?
No. We’ve had women in the band since 1981. In the last ten years my super-talented wife Leah McCaffrey has sung on our records – that’s her on Attack Of The Zombie Skinheads. And Jennie Bellestar and Kiria have guested brilliantly in the studio. But Shona has been in the band for years now. She’s funny, she’s great to have around and of course she’s spearheading the “Sempie” youth cult movement – CMP.
What will your next book be?
It will be the belated 40 Years of the NWoBHM book sometime this Summer. I can’t say when because we’re working in “Hallam time”. I’m also working on the fourth Harry Tyler novel for next year as we speak.
Any message for Russian fans?
We hope to see you soon. Stay well!
In other noos, here’s Gal’s first ever Highway to Hell from May 2018 just uploaded to Mix Cloud. It was also the first and only show he ever recorded underwater. Down, down, deeper and down.
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May 19. Your questions answered. 1) Several readers have asked for more details on the exciting Casual Modern Punk (CMP) look that is spreading across Britain’s coolest cities and towns. Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) replies (aggressively): Obviously it’s about looking smart and not looking like a mug. Dr. Martens are out – too many trendies wear ’em – but trainers are 100% in, preferably white ones. Nike and Adidas are cool. Jeans and trousers are obviously worn tight, no baggy shit or flares, and polo shirts are still fashionable. The CMP elite go for Hawkins & Joseph, although these are hard to get hold of these days as the company appears to have vanished like Lee Wilson when it’s his shout. Other acceptable Casual labels include old favourites like Fila, Ellesse, Lyle & Scott and Sergio Tacchini. Weekend Offender are decent, Pretty Green is acceptable too. Opinion is divided on Fred Perry. Obviously it’s a classic brand but sadly it has been ‘culturally appropriated’ by hipsters. If in doubt, chose a vintage Fred design. The best hair styles for men are suedehead and early sixties Mod. Face tattoos and beards are more out than Elton.
2) You asked who made our Top Ten greatest Oi songs. Big Mart replies: Hold your horses, son, the votes are still coming in.
3) Several of you also enquired about what “the Summer of Gal” actually involves. Martin doesn’t know but Fit Bird sniffily tells us: “Curries an’ that... cider, beer, kebabs, steaks, red wine, bread ’n drippin’, pie & mash, more rubies, lots of fish, Quasar (when it reopens), The Valley, gigs n comedy clubs (ditto), light bondage and some specials.” Isn’t that what he does all the time? “The bleedin’ specials ain’t,” she replies indignantly. Frustratingly she leaves it at that.
Tune back tomorrow for extracts from an interview Gal has just done with a Russian fanzine...
May 18. Reports about the activities of Sandie West, Hollywood Pest, have rightly been banned from this blog, but we feel her latest outburst deserves to be made public. Sandie, as you may remember, is “developing” a number of film projects at a pace that would make a sleepy snail seem speedy. One area she has particular problems with is the writing. The self-styled film-maker always wants a co-writer credit but contributes very little to this vital part of the creative process. In the case of our ill-fated movie, originally called Curry On Up The Gonads, her input consisted of randomly inserting reviews from the back of a fantasy book (!) into the script, along with foul racial slurs that none of the band would ever use. (As a result we have withdrawn from the doomed enterprise). Paul “Stalin” Hallam has also run afoul of Hollywood’s best. He sent her his script for Pete McKenna’s Quadrophenia inspired story more than a year ago and all was good until he had the temerity to ask to see the changes she claimed to have made to it. West exploded into a frenzy of messages and emails accusing Stalin of not having written the original script (he did, we’ve seen it) and then saying that she couldn’t forward it by email because of Covid-19… even though she seemed to have the time to send plenty of others. All of this leaves Fat Col wondering if West has ever made a finished film. “No one has seen more than a minute or two of her so-called punk film Flowers In The Dustbin or a trailer for other ‘movies’. And we all know the mess she made of the Gonads project. My advice to Stalin and his authors is step away sharpish, fellas, before you lose your mind. You’ve been had, lads.” Very sage. We would of course still like to film Curry On Up The Gonads (not to mention Bed, Board & Boned In Berlin), but when we do it will be with our original script, an actual director and a production company we fully trust… one who won’t set out to incapacitate our beloved leader.
May 17. The Jolly Pranksters today formally denied gutter press accusations that they were behind yesterday’s anti-lockdown protest in London’s Hyde Park. But speaking from the Pranksters’ top secret HQ (in Green Lane Chislehurst, just up from the Gordon Arms), Effete El admitted that “some brethren” had been among the hundreds of demonstrators who included Piers Corbyn and Kid Punk as well as representatives of the anarcho-syndicalist English Liberation Front. Pranksters had attended “in a purely personal capacity,” said El who added: “As an organisation, we do not concern ourselves with base politics, but this is clearly a civil rights issue.” He went on: “In my opinion, there is no rational or scientific excuse for this draconian lockdown which has deprived the entire UK of liberty, pushed us into the worst recession for 200 years, destroyed millions of jobs, thousands of businesses – including many sacred pubs and venues – and built up more national debt than the Second World War.” Right and all. Answer that Boris! To order, brethren. For beef and liberty!
RECORD Noos: out again on colour vinyl, the Cro-Mags’ third and fourth albums, Alpha Omega and Near Death Experience, both on Back On Black Records... a new 7inch EP from Alkaline Trio, apparently called “EP” (Epitaph)... and the Flash Flash Flash album by The Explosion, prime street-punk from 2000, now on colour vinyl. All together: ‘Now our heroes seem further away/Your fists in the air but nothing has changed/Would they shakes their heads, would they feel ashamed?/Fists in the air for a fucking name/All we know is what came before/There’s no revolution anymore!/We look to the past and ask for nothing more/There’s no revolution anymore!’ The perfect anthem for a generation of gutless “punk” cry-babies going through the motions.
May 16. Your questions answered. Today Mr C.G. of Plumstead asks: What is the secret behind the rise of Wattsie Watts, is it witchcraft? Well “C.G.” the black arts certainly seem to have played a part, as this shock picture of Wattsie preparing to fly home from rehearsals illustrates...
Another one gone: R.I.P. Phil May of sixties sensations the Pretty Things who died yesterday morning after a tragic accident. He was 75. Phil had been locked down in Norfolk with his family and, during the week, but had suffered a fall from his bike and had undergone emergency hip surgery, after which complications set in. Phil passed away at 7.05am at the Queen Elizabeth hospital, Kings Lynn, Norfolk. The Pretty Things were notoriously wild. Fights at shows were commonplace and questions were asked in parliament. But the R&B band, who formed in Sidcup, were hugely important. Dylan was a fan and they influenced everyone from Bowie and Aerosmith to the Ramones, the Pistols and the Orgasm Guerrillas. Their biggest hits were Don’t Bring Me Down and Honey I Need.
Buster Shuffle have recorded a new double A-sided single called Unsung Heroes with an all-star cast of world renowned punk and ska musicians including members of Flogging Molly, Mad Caddies, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Hepcat, Die Toten Hosen, Donots, Talco, The Infidels, Toy Dolls and 2-Tone ledge Rhoda Dakar. The single, raising funds for the World Health Organisation is set for release on July 15h but can be pre-ordered from bustershufflemusic.com. Here’s the other song, You Spoke Louder Every Day.
In other Noos: TERRITORIES released a split 7-inch single with THE VICIOUS CYCLES on Pirates Press yesterday – Prairie Twister (Territories)/Problem Officer (Vicious Cycles)... a second album from New York’s Lvger, titled Fvll Villain, is out on vinyl via Contra... and so is Lion’s Law’s new LP, The Pain The Blood & The Sword (Pirates Press), here’s new song The Reaper.
May 15. Being forced into lockdown has concentrated all of our minds, and many exciting plans for our next stage show have been suggested. For starters, Gal wants to line up dummies of politicians and celebrities on stage and then decapitate them to the sound of Revolution Now, a song he wrote with the late Andre Schlesinger which has not yet been recorded. This would be “a fiery symbol of a much-needed cultural revolution”, says our man in the know. Meanwhile Paul SkaNad wants us to perform the full-length version of England’s Glory joined by a small choir dressed as Watt Tyler’s peasants and/or the Tolpuddle Martyrs. Wattsie Watts’s suggestion is substantially more dangerous however. She wants us to “recreate on stage the historic moment when Freddie Starr tied up Gal and hurled knives at him”. Unfortunately Wattsie has no idea how the trick was done and instead is having knife-throwing lessons with sharpened machetes. Too risky! (Plans that she also intends to tie up Fat Col and “punish” him with the stage cock cannot be confirmed or denied).
Strange news from the Jolly Pranksters. It seems that the secretive brotherhood has been “inundated” with chancers trying to join up for all the wrong reasons. “These herberts only want to become members because you idiots have written about our underground network of speakeasies,” fumes Effete El. “They don’t realise that you can’t just enlist in our noble order, you must be invited to join. Only then can you take the first step and pass through the initiation ceremony. That’s how we keep out the riff-raff.” The Pranksters are also concerned that “scores” of wannabe brethren have written directly to their private Kent headquarters. An ashen-faced El added: “Our address, and even our location is absolutely classified, so we have no idea where they are getting the information from. Discretion is our watchword.” Quite so. Where are you now? we ask. “In the HQ in Green Lane, Chislehurst, just up from the Gordon Arms,” he replies. “Knock twice and ask for Cynthia.”
May 14. Lord Waistrel has sent Gal Gonad belated best wishes and a small gift. Sadly it doesn’t involve beer, curry or Abbey Clancy, rather he has decreed that this Summer will officially be “The Summer of Gal”. What this means is anyone’s guess, but it sounds the mutt’s nuts.
Noos: T.S.O.L. will live-stream a 40th anniversary concert on Sunday week from the band’s Facebook page... Alice Cooper will post his stirring new song Don’t Give Up on YouTube tomorrow.
May 13. Happy birthday Sir Gal of Gonad who is SIXTY-FIVE today (that’s seven in Charlie Harper years – Ed). As he would probably say himself he “don’t look a day over 64”.
May 12. This blog could soon be renamed the Daily Obituary. Today we mourn the passing of ROY HORN of the legendary Las Vegas magic act Siegfried & Roy, who has died of Coronavirus aged 75. We can now reveal that in the early Noughties, Gal and Clyde approached Roy to guest on a Gonads song. Fat Col tells us: “They wanted to work with him on the basis of his name alone – so it would be released as being by The Gonads ‘with added Horn’ – but they had actually written a song called Tiger King (18years before the Netflix show), which was a bit like punked-up Mott meets Let’s Dance period Bowie, and which would have been perfect for Roy. Gal had connections with impressionist Danny Gans and Clyde knew the Cirque du Soleil stage manager so it was easy enough to make contact without going through agents and managers. The three met at The Palms the following month and Roy loved the idea; but sadly just a few weeks later (in 2003 – Ed) he was mauled by Mantacore, one of his tigers, in front of a shocked audience at the Mirage Hotel.” Roy, real name Uwe Ludwig Horn, never fully recovered from the injuries and the great dream of Vegas/Charlton collaboration withered on the vine. R.I.P. old chum.
May 11. Those lily-livered wimps at Human Punk have PULLED their big December gig in Tufnell Park, rather than say defying the fear-mongering establishment and relocating to a warehouse and staging it as an underground event. So much for anarchy. This means that we have NO gigs in 2020 at all... but we are open to all serious enquiries for next year. Naturally Fat Col has condemned Human Punk at some length but, yada-yada-yada, not a single blog monkey can be arsed to type it out.
In an exciting street culture development Wattsie Watts has positioned herself as a champion of the emerging Casual Modern Punk movement. This bold new look has been adopted by folk who love street rock’n’roll but refuse to dress in tired 1970s fashions. Sociologist Simon Filth is hugely excited about this, telling us “in many ways the modern punk scene is based on a contradiction, presenting itself as progressive and forward thinking while being tied extremely conservatively to yesterday’s fashions – or rather an exaggerated parody of them – which isn’t punk at all. Thus the CMP movement rejects both the manufactured pop of the charts and the reactionary dress codes of these aging juveniles and nostalgia-freaks.” Quite so, we say. He goes on: “So, I take it that the CMP are all teenagers or at least under-25?” At which point we discretely let the phone go dead...
May 10. We have been contacted by no less an investigative authority than Joe Pasquale who claims he has evidence that David Bowie STILL LIVES. That’s right, suckers – you’ve been punked! We run it past our fragrant conspiracy expert Wattsie Watts who is all over the theory like a rash. In her words “Bowie may be dead, but David Jones is still alive.” A subtle difference you see. Both heavyweight thinkers believe that Bowie, thinly disguised in prosthetics, appeared on Sky News the day after his supposed death in the guise of “a music business insider” to secretly share his thoughts on his own demise with the watching world. Joe, who is keen to record a single with us as soon as possible, wants to “follow the trail” and find David and Iman sunbathing on an idyllic Caribbean beach – with Wattsie as his sidekick. Blimey, exciting stuff. Although a more cynical voice whispers “When Potty Joe and Wattsie sound like the voice of reason, you know the world has gone to hell in a handcart...”
In other news, Pink tells us that battling coronavirus was her “most physically and emotionally challenging experience” since she dated Lars Frederiksen...
R.I.P. soul legend Betty Wright who has died aged 66. Miami-born Betty was best known for hits ‘Where Is The Love?’, ‘Shoorah Shoorah’ and ‘Clean Up Woman’ – about a Doris who “cleans up” with blokes who other women have neglected. (“My kind of woman” – Fat Col).
May 9. More bad news: R.I.P. Little Richard, who has died of bone cancer aged 87. His music lives on forever.
Meanwhile, what idiot asked Fat Col to do his Top Ten films day by day on Facebook? (Er, Gal did – Ed). Col’s first choice was Debbie Does Dallas and we understand that the list will get progressively worse. At least Miss Management made Col delete his dumb comment about moving house in the hope of a sequel: Wattsie Does Welling...
Nice to see Gal got Terry Chimes into yesterday’s Express, following in the footsteps of Glen Matlock, Neville Staple, Dave Wakeling and Alan McGee. That’s what we call the poison in the machine...
Youth cult and underworld online mag GHQ is shaping up nicely. We hear that after signing Jeff Turner, its next columnist will be Steve Whale. In other news, the Swinging Utters have released a new vinyl EP called Sirens via Fat Wreck Chords...
May 8. Happy VE Day. Kick it off with some British Steel and remember veterans’ charities still need our support.
What was the greatest Oi song of all time? Vote NOW by emailing email@example.com
May 7. R.I.P. Ska legend Millie Small who has died at the age of 72 after suffering a stroke. The Jamaican star found fame in the 60s with her brilliant hit My Boy Lollipop – which reached No 2 in the charts here and was one of the biggest-selling Ska songs of all time, with sales of more than seven million. Those who knew Millie testify that she was as sweet as she was talented. Island Records founder Chris Blackwell told us: “Millie was the person who took Ska international. It became a hit pretty much everywhere in the world. She was such a sweet person... very funny, great sense of humour. She was really special.”
RIP also Florian Schneider of Kraftwerk who has died of cancer at 73.
May 6. Bad news, chums: the Pranksters legal case against the lockdown dramatically collapsed last night after Sir Barrington Hatton-Fyre, QC, realised that the Royal Charter that underpinned their case did not exist but was in fact something he had dreamed about after watching the classic Ealing comedy film Passport To Pimlico and eating too much cheese. Poor show. In another blow to common sense and decency, Lord Waistrel has kicked out the case against Fat Col. In his judgement, his Lordship stated: “Although it would be quite wrong for a grown man to fantasise about a 13-year-old Wattsie in a school uniform – say for example consisting of a long black stockings, a crisp white blouse, a tartan miniskirt, navy blue bloomers and a half-sucked lollypop – it is quite clear that Gannon was joking and this blog will have no truck with joke censors even if they are aggressive Gooners. Also Gannon is not in any real sense ‘a grown man’, having the mind of a particularly backwards, sex-starved adolescent. Besides there’s nothing wrong with a saucy schoolgirl. If it was good enough for John Peel, Charlie Harper, Rick Parfitt...” (Cut – Appalled Ed).
May 5. There may be no Love Island on TV this Summer, but at least we’ve got The Godfathers. The five rock ’n’ roll dreamboats (Are you sure? – Ed) release a brand new double A-sided single – I’m Not Your Slave b/w Wild And Free – on 17th June to celebrate their 35th anniversary. The original Godfathers line-up played their first gig at London’s Embassy Club on that very day in 1985, out of the ashes of the Sid Presley Experience.
Lead singer and founder member Peter Coyne is now joined by guitarist Richie Simpson and drummer Billy Duncanson (both previously in Heavy Drapes), bassist Jon Priestley from The Damned & guitarist Wayne Vermaak. (Photo by Sean Robert Howarth).
May 4. R.I.P. David Paul Greenfield of The Stranglers, an absolutely blinding keyboardist, who died last night. ‘No More Heroes’ they sang, but Dave was one of ours. The band announced that he passed away last night from Covid 19 with underlying heart problems. He was 71. Dave Greenfield, 29/3/49 – 3/5/20. Rest In Power.
May 3. Woman of the week: Christine Miller AKA Baby Greensleeves, who was the backing singer for Peckham’s own Splodgenessabounds in their Two Pints of Lager pomp.
The cops often frequented their concerts back then due to unsubstantiated reports of public nudity, at least one live blow job, and complaints about the “farting on demand” section during renditions of Michael Booth’s Talking Bum. We can’t remember why that line-up split, possibly excessive gas consumption, but Chrissie later married Matt Newman, the charismatic singer with Case.
PS. If farting on demand is an arrest-able offence, we hereby draw Plod’s attention to Mr C. Gannon of Plumstead, SE18. Lord Waistrel is expected to pass his judgement on the oaf – see yesterday’s shock development – early this week.
Here’s the new edit of Cass Pennant’s Ska-inspired short film, Beverley. Say what you like, but it’s no Gatwick Gangsters.
Worldwide wrestling may be on the ropes but that hasn’t stopped Bleach Everything from Richmond, Virginia, releasing a ‘Savage’ b/w ‘Steamboat’ as a 7inch x-ray flexi-single tribute to two of wrestling’s best, packaged inside a 24-page wrestling photo-zine by singer Brent Eyestone (via Dark Operative Records). All for five bucks.
May 2. Furious Martin Sporrell (aggressive Gooner) has demanded that Fat Col be “immediately banned” from this blog after his “vile” comments about Wattsie in a school uniform yesterday. “Wattsie was 13 in 1978,” fumes Martin (aggressively), “Which proves that Gannon is nothing but a stinking paedo”. The very strong case for a blacklisting has gone to straight Lord Waistrel for adjudication.
The Jolly Pranksters are making a legal challenge to the lock-down. They claim that, due to a little known but unrevoked ninth century Royal charter, the British government has no official jurisdiction over certain areas of south east and east London, northwest Kent and west Essex, and that therefore they are not subject to “restrictions on trade and other draconian meddling in traditional rights and freedoms”. Prankster historian, Sir Barrington Hatton-Fyre, QC, intends to argue that the charter was signed and sealed by King Arthur as a thank you after “the valiant Anglo-Saxons defeated the Vikings at the Battle of Edington in 878”. He adds: “In reality south and east Londoners could open pubs from Bermondsey to Barking today if they chose to – and if the authorities objected we could simply declare UDI.” Have that, Boris!
The TV show Devs, set in Silicon Valley, features a fiendish tech company whose invention allows them to view scenes from the past, such as JFK shagging Marilyn Monroe on the Oval Office desk, Christ on the cross etc. In one extreme experiment they even caught a glimpse of Lee Wilson buying a round (although some boffins claim this was a glitch in the system).
May 1st. Happy May Day! We sent our ace film reviewer Aitch to see Gatwick Gangsters for the first time. Here unedited are her thoughts as the mega-movie played: “This is the best film I have ever, ever seen...it’s so bad it makes me want to shit a bouquet of roses and throw it on the stage...I really can’t express how bad it is...it’s like it was filmed on a Motorola...” and so on, ending with the devastatingly accurate: “If 2020 were a film, it would be Gatwick Gangsters.” Wait till she sees Fat Col on TikTok.
Led Zeppelin, UFO, Rolling Stones, Cockney Rejects, Maiden, AC/DC... this Highway To Hell is the absolute bollocks: