Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
May 31. Data Protection Update: Like all massively popular public enterprises the Gonads value your privacy and want to be clear about the data we collect, how we use it and your rights to control that information. The simple answer is: we don’t want your data, we don’t collect it, and in the unlikely event that we did so accidentally we’d be way too disorganised to use it. Here’s the deal: we put our shit on the shop page, you buy it, we post it out to you and everyone’s happy. The emails aren’t kept. We don’t compile lists of your private data and sell it off by the yard to cold callers, pizza salesmen and mortgage agents from the Indian subcontinent because that would be deeply uncool. P.S. PLEASE NOTE: If any of our female readers are contacted by a Mr C. Gannon requesting your phone numbers and addresses etc., please note that he does not represent this band in any official capacity and cannot be trusted with your information in any shape or form. There is also absolutely no need for you to send him intimate photos “for security reasons” or to detail your innermost fantasies in lengthy emails. Unless you want to. The Gonads – fighting for your rights so you don’t have to.
May 30. All of our love and best wishes go out to Robin Guy, drummer with Sham 69, Control and many others, who last night revealed the sad and shocking news that he has colon cancer. Robin posted on Facebook: ‘Recently I was diagnosed with Cancer of the Colon. It started with abdominal cramps & the Doctor thinking it was I.B.S. but after a while I got referred, then I had an Endoscopy (camera down the throat), a Colonoscopy (camera up the, well the clue is in the first 5 letters..), a CT Scan (showed up a spot on my liver that they were worried bad things could have spread..), an MRI Scan (thankfully showed nothing dodgy on my liver - phew!), a couple of powerful laxative ‘experiences’, a self-administered Enema (funfunfun), another Colonoscopy with Biopsies (un-sedated is considerably less fun than the previously-sedated one..), and countless blood tests, I’m now going in to hospital this Thurs 31st & they are going to chop it out with Keyhole Surgery (amazing!), seal it up (with stitches & Gaffa Tape), & then, assuming there’s no complications, it’s home to read books for 5 weeks & not eat Vindaloo for a while... I think the hardest part will be trying not to do anything strenuous like building drum kits or mowing the lawn, and obviously the frustration at being an ‘invalid’ & having to take it easy. Obviously the whole thing’s a huge shock (it probably hasn’t fully sunk in), but this thing’s better out asap, than in, and I’m sure I’ll be back on track in no time at all... Watch this space!’ Good luck for tomorrow mate!
And from tragedy to farce. Fat Col tells us he was moved to tears by the final episode of Peter Kay’s Car Share on Monday, in which Kay’s character John finally got it together with his love-struck passenger Kayleigh. If you recall she’d told him how she felt about him at the end of the last series and John was too up-tight to respond. But in the final he opened up via the medium of song. “I’ve done the same for Wattsie,” Colin reveals. We take him to one side and say “Colin, you have already written two songs about her which make no attempt at subtlety. What good would a third one do? She’s not interested mate. Get over it. Move on.” And the great oaf sits at the kitchen table sobbing and masturbating slowly over a picture of a chicken madras while the demo tape of ‘The Great Sidcup Salami Scandal’ plays quietly in the background.
May 29. Random guff: Gal records his latest Rancid Sounds tonight with special guest Shayna Ross... Leah McCaffrey has finally opened her own Facebook page which you should like without hesitation... and Harley Flanagan has filed a lawsuit against singer John Joseph for ownership of the Cro-Mags name. The New York Post reports that Flanagan filed a federal suit against Joseph based on Trademark and/or Copyright Infringement for ownership of the Cro-Mags name and associated work. Flanagan alleges that the name was improperly used first in 2002 and the improper usage has been happening sporadically since then.
May 28. SHOCK NEWS: UFO frontman Phil Mogg has announced his retirement from the legendary rock band! Mogg, the band's only original member, will quit after UFO finish a 50th anniversary tour next year. In a statement on the band’s website, Phil says: “The decision has been a long time coming, I’ve considered stepping down at the end of UFO’s previous two tours. I don’t want to call this a farewell tour as I hate that word, but next year’s gigs will represent my final tap-dancing appearances with the band. 2019 marks UFO’s 50th anniversary, so the timing feels right. There will be a final tour of the UK and we will also play some shows in selected other cities that the band has a strong connection with. But outside of the UK this won’t be a long tour. Being out on the road isn’t always tremendously luxurious and although the playing is as great as it ever was, the stuff that surrounds it becomes very tiresome. I always told myself that when I reached that stage I would step down, and that’s what I’m going to do. This is the right time for me to quit.” UFO were a huge influence on the Cockney Rejects and the early Gonads – our songs ‘Lights Out In Charlton’ and ‘Beki Bondage Please’ were clearly UFO inspired, and like many we are saddened by the news. Phil hints that the band might carry on without him, but adds: “I don’t want to play live or make records anymore.” Details of the band’s farewell tour have yet to be announced.
In other news, the Jolly Pranksters are on national high alert after the nefarious Phantom Headshaver struck again yesterday in Dymchurch, Kent, suggesting that the pestilent rogue is now operating outside of East Sussex (unless this was a copycat crime – Factual Ed); more details to follow... the new Street Sounds annual (Street Sounds #3) is available from the mag’s website... Lord Waistrel has appointed Fat Col manager of our spin-off group GBX; the oaf is apparently “in talks” about gigs on the variety circuit with Chas & Dave and Cockney comedy legend Jimmy ‘Kinnell’ Jones... and Agnostic Front are working on a new album. Roger Miret tells us the band have already demoed three new numbers.
May 27. Lord Waistrel last night dramatically seized control of this blog in a military coup led by his old school chum General ‘Nudger’ Nudkins of the Royal Army Tailoring Corps. It appears that Waistrel was “spitting feathers” over our plugs for John King’s pro-Brexit ‘Punks for Liberty’ compilation album and decided to shut us down. But you’re pro-Brexit, we reminded the carpet-chewing aristocrat. “Yes,” he replied. “But I’m not pro bally libertarianism and anarchy like you shower. When you do a Punks For Feudalism thingy then you can have the blog back. Forward to serfdom! It’s the only way.” Seasoned Waistrel watchers reached the unanimous verdict that his Lordship was “extremely potulent” (posh talk for Brahms and Listz) when he called for the coup and “would probably forget all about it by breakfast”. So mote it be.
May 26. An emergency meeting of the Jolly Pranksters was held in Upper Dicker earlier today to discuss the nefarious activities of a man known only as the Phantom Head-Shaver. This odious poltroon, believed to be an ex-member of the brotherhood, is said to leap on Pranksters after closing time, knock them to the floor and give them a number one crop with a battery operated electric shaver. So far three brethren in the East Sussex region have been shorn against their will. One victim who asked to remain anonymous (Old Eric of Burwash Weald) tells us: “I was walking home from the Whore & Viking public house – they do a lovely drop of Harveys – when I heard the fiendish cry of ‘Oi Oi skinhead, get yer hair cut!’ followed by a strange buzzing noise. The next thing I knew I was on the floor with the Phantom astride me and in two shakes of a lamb’s tail I was as bald as a coot’s cock.” Blimey. The Phantom has also struck in Bexhill and Ticehurst. Pranksters have tightened lodge security and are believed to have issued instructions to all brothers to insist on over-night lock-ins as “The Phantom won’t risk an attack in daylight.” Eminently sensible. More news when we have it.
Record Noos: Flatfoot 56’s Vancouver Sessions has been released as 12" on coloured vinyl by Sailor’s Grave. The five-track ep including new song ‘How Long’ have been redone Prankster style using traditional instruments including an Irish whistle, Uilleann bagpipes, an accordion and the Irish bones (Wot? No kazoo? – Ed)... and Pirates Press have re-released The Old Firm Casuals’ self-titled 4-track debut 7inch as a splendid coloured vinyl 12".
May 25. Happy birthday to our pal Cockney comic Micky Pugh who is 61 today; Charlie Harper who turns 75; and grumpy old man Paul Weller who is a mere sapling of sixty.
Fat Col calls in a state of high excitement. “I’ve just found out I’m 29th in line to the Crown,” he says. Really, we reply gullibly. “Yes he says. Well it is a fuckin’ busy pub.” Oaf.
Rebellion news: Tickets are still available for their two-day Amsterdam fest next weekend. The line up and show times are as follows.
SATURDAY 2ND JUNE
THE MAX: COCKSPARRER (for a change) 9.50-11.00pm. UK SUBS 8.30-9.20. RUTS DC 7.20-8.10. DISCIPLINE 6.15-7.00. F.I.L.F. 5.10-5.55. GIMPFIST 4.10-4.50. DIRTBOX DISCO 3.10-3.50. LOS FASTIDIOS 2.10-2.50. KNOCKOFF 1.20-1.55. IN EVIL HOUR 12.30-1.05. THE OLD ROOM: WONK UNIT 9.10-10.00pm; SPUNK VOLCANO AND THE ERUPTIONS 8.00-8.50. CHURCH OF CONFIDENCE 7.00-7.45. FIRE EXIT 6.05-6.45. ARRESTED DENIAL 5.15-5.50. THIS MEANS WAR 4.25-5.00. PIZZATRAMP 3.35-4.10. BRASSICK 2.45-3.20. CHRISTMAS 2.00-2.30. MANC LADS 1.15-1.45. THE FUCKIN GLORIOUS 12.30-1.00 ALMOST ACOUSTIC: TV SMITH 7.00 - 7.30pm. CHARLIE HARPER INTERVIEW WITH BARRY CAIN 5.55-6.55. WONK UNIT 5.00-5.40. CITY SAINTS 4.10-4.50. STATIC KILL 3.15-3.55. THE CROWS 2.25-3.05. KENT NIELSEN 1.40-2.15. FIRE EXIT 1.00-1.30.
SUNDAY 3rd JUNE
THE MAX: THE ADICTS 10.30-11.30pm. ANGELIC UPSTARTS 9.00-10.00. MENACE 7.50-8.40. FUNERAL DRESS 6.45-7.30. THE OUTCASTS 5.40-6.25. THE RESTARTS 4.40-5.20. PARANOID VISIONS 3.45-4.20. SVETLANAS 2.55-3.30. THE CUNDEEZ 2.05-2.40. BORROWED TIME 1.20-1.50 THE OLD ROOM: DISTURBANCE 9.45-10.30pm. THE WARRIORS 8.50-9.30. CHOKING SUSAN 7.55-8.35. ARGIES 7.00-7.40. GEOFFREY OICOTT 6.05-6.45. CRACKED UP 5.10-5.50. PARANOID STATE 4.20-4.55 UNITE AGAINST SOCIETY 3.30-4.05. DONKEY DOM. 3.10 – 3.25. HEAVY DRAPES 2.40-3.05. OMIXLH 1.55-2.25. MIDNIGHT TATTOO 1.10-1.40. MURDABALL 12.25 -12.55 ALMOST ACOUSTIC: RUTS DC 8.00-9.00. RUTS DC INTERVIEW WITH BARRY CAIN 7.15-7.50. LOS FASTIDIOS 6.30-7.10. THE CROWS & FRIENDS 5.40-6.20. KENT NIELSEN 4.50-5.30. EFA SUPERTRAMP 4.00-4.40 THE CUNDEEZ 3.10 -3.50. ARGIES ACOUSTIC 2.20-3.00. THE MARCH 1.40-2.10. RUM DIRECTION 1.00-1.30.
And talking of Barry Cain, the great man’s first novel The Tapes Of Wrath is out now. What’s it about? Murder, love and depravity, revenge, desire and jealousy. Gangsters, perverts and decapitation and dreams coming true with deadly consequences. About Adam Tate, once critically acclaimed author, hopeless husband and fair-weather father, whose infatuation with the extraordinary Kate Lyle destroys his life and then his soul. After the discovery of a bizarre triple killing, it s left to DC Tom Evans to unravel the twisted Tate family mystery. A series of incendiary recordings, immortalised as the Tapes of Wrath, bring some kind of closure, but Adam Tate s mother of a mid-life crisis turns out to be the stuff of Kubrick s nightmares... it says here.
May 24. Colin McQuillan of Runnin’ Riot singer would have been 50 today. Let’s drink to his memory. R.I.P. bruv.
John King’s new novel Slaughter House Prayer is published in November and has already been condemned unread by Fat Col as “evil vegan propaganda”. You can pre-order it from here. Or spend the money on a nice steak and ale pie instead.
May 23. Here are current and former members of the EastEnders cast begging Wattsie Watts to get us to write songs about them. Canning Town’s own Perry ‘Billy Mitchell’ Fenwick is believed to have said he wanted to be “immortalised by the Gonads like Grant Mitchell was”. He’s after a punk anthem but Bobby Davro was more up for fusion. (Alfie Moon star Shane allegedly requested spanks, a double stroke and a rim shot... and then he discussed drumming). Here’s the deal guys: we’ll write the songs in exchange for Wattsie replacing Tracey as the Queen Vic barmaid... if only for the challenge of seeing her try to stay mute for half an hour four times a week. Oh, and if you think of double-crossing us, be warned: Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) is a good friend of Aiden Maguire... and legs do break. (Actual Fact: for years the cast of the BBC soap had pictures of Gal stuck to the dartboard in their green room. Why so? Well it can’t have helped that he dubbed the show ‘DeadEnders’ back in 1989, and has raged a three decade war on “the BBC’s long-running libel on Londoners” – see his book 1001 Reasons Why EastEnders Is ‘Pony’. Two members of the cast sued him!)
John King has outted himself as the mastermind behind Punks For Liberty. The author and Human Punk promoter will pen lyrics for the great pro-Brexit album; he will also co-produce it. John already has the support of GBX, the Blades UK and Terence Hayes, PM and is in talks about the bold project with other big punk and Oi names. The magus of Stamford Bridge says he will draw on talent across the political spectrum, from socialist to libertarian, as long as they back full British independence. Yes because as the Yeti always says, it’s never much cop if it ain’t good, hard and long-lasting.
Gal’s latest Sounds of Glory is up now on Spreaker featuring The Jam, Ramones, the Interrupters, The Cure, Cheap Trick, Lime Spiders, Rancid, Traffic and many more all here.
Paul Cook has released a new England song with new band The Tallywags. Called ‘Charge of the Light Brigade’, the number comes with a video that reinvents the team’s past failures – the cards, botched penalties and of course the hand of god. Watch it here. The Tallywags are: Paul Cook (Sex Pistols/Professionals), Tom Spencer (Professionals/The Men They Couldn’t Hang), Chris McCormack (Professionals/3CR), Olga (The Toy Dolls) and Danny McCormack (The Wildhearts)
May 22. We’ve had messages from blog readers in Spain and Greece supporting and encouraging the organisers of the pro-Brexit punk album. Andris from Larissa said: ‘We too are sick of being crushed under the EU’s iron heel. Brexit was a great inspiration for many Greek people.’ While Malita wrote ‘It makes me laugh to read about pompous old men with EU pensions claiming that this corrupt dictatorial institution is somehow the future.’ Musicians who want to sign up to Punks For Liberty and support the full independence that the British people voted for should email email@example.com This is London calling! Come out of the closet boys and girls! Live free, die free!
Fat Col has unearthed six more numbers that we’ve written but never recorded: They Died Heroes. Critical Mass. The Ballad Of The Bridge House. Far Canal. Clouds. Gonads Gonads USA. Plus another we’ve demoed but not released – Full English; and one more we need to re-record – Pie & Mash.
Here’s a brand new song from the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Enjoy!
May 21. Moves are afoot to put together a pro-Brexit punk and Oi supergroup. The plan is to write and record a campaigning album in the cause of British liberty and independence. The organiser tells us “I was stunned in the lead up to the referendum how scared pro-Brexit punks in bands were of having an opinion that differed from the middle class herd-think. So much for the great rebel music! Crushed by Facebook.” They go on: “And then there are those who don’t have a clue what they are talking about... It was an eye-opener. I realised then much of the punk scene consists of musicians just mouthing slogans, wanting to be ‘rebellious’...” There are a few notable exceptions of course... so if you are in a group, aren’t scared by the trolls and want to be part of the fight for freedom, contact us and we’ll pass on your name. “This is the real Rebellion!” they insist. “Because if we fail, if we just shrug our shoulders and duck the challenge and we slip back under the thumb of the EUrocrats, there won’t be a way back.” Repression – gonna start on Tuesday...
May 20. As we cope with our extended period of inactivity, we have asked our most devoted follower (Fat Col) to compile a list of Gonads oddities. So far he has come up with these: 1) Songs we have recorded but not yet released – Shona & The Alien. Harry On The Boat. Federales. Revolution Now. Mystic Meg. Give Her A Dog For Christmas.
2) Songs we have written and not recorded but have played live: Ruptured Foreskin Blues. Lights Out In Charlton. Run Run Run. Whelks. Antigallican Last Bell. Sammy Bartram’s Shorts. Red Army. Darling Harold.
3) Songs we have written but not yet recorded or played live: The Great Sidcup Salami Scandal. Three Chords & The Truth. Better Land. Fat Man Ska. Son Of Franken-Skin. Marylebone Martyrs. Radio Radio. Half Past Three & Nine Pence. (Not to mention the entire Quest For The Golden Goblets mega-opus).
4) Songs we urgently need to re-record: What’s Happening Now? Rose & Crown. Eat The Rich. Willing To Kill... But be advised, this is a work in progress and Col may unearth some more. Looks to us like a visit to the recording studio is in order.
Royal news: although yesterday’s Royal Wedding was controversial in some punk quarters, the marriage was enthusiastically embraced by the Jolly Pranksters. Brethren from all over the globe flew in for the event, including representatives of Australia’s Fellowship Of The Wattle, the Gammon League of New Zealand, India’s Honourable Society of the Inner Tickle, and a party of Canada’s Droll Disciples led by Stumpy Carmichael, a former chainsaw juggler. Draconian reporting restrictions mean we can tell you very little about the day, although we do know that the festivities took place in Chelsea’s Lodge of Enlightenment. Terence Hayes PM gave the loyal toast and the only controversy came from Fat Col’s short-lived evening DJ slot. Effete El tells us: “The brothers didn’t mind him playing ‘Harry Up Harry’ or ‘God Save The Queen’, but when he moved on to ‘Anal Intruder’ eye-brows were raised and he was escorted from the dance-hall by a party of outraged Chelsea Pensioners.” Old Barry, who took over the decks, tells us that Charles and Di’s wedding in 1981 split the Oi fraternity. Back then, he said “Garry Johnson and Hodges were fervent anti-royalists but the Business played at a pro-wedding festival in some South London park.” This year, hundreds of bands played Royal Bedding shows to raise cash for Musicians Against Homelessness.
Movie news: British Actor Byron Gibson (from Only God Forgives, General Commander) is back with a new hard hitting gang-based film franchise called English Dogs. The movie features Ron Smoorenburg (from Jackie Chan’s Who Am I) who boasts the world’s highest kick and won The Hong Kong Stunt award. As well as choreographing the brutal action, Smoorenburg plays lead character Dutch. The film also features former Sydney’s Strongest Man Dave Blazejko (Sky Hunter), Leigh Barwell (Bangcockers), and Eoin O’Brien (Never Back Down), actor and expert muay Thai kick-boxer. All actors were required to do their own stunts. We’ve not seen it but Bryon is mates with John Mundy and that’s good enough for us. Here’s the trailer.
Oi Oi news: Gal has confirmed on his website that he will compile a 40th anniversary Oi album for release in 2020. Watch this space for details.
May 19. Reminder to our New York readers – the Black'n'Blue Bowl kicks off tonight at Brooklyn Bazaar with Madball and Crown of Thornz headlining. Judge and Agnostic Front top the bill tomorrow. Last minute tickets from here.
In record noos: the Bar Stool Preachers have released three singles via Pirates Press as teasers for their forthcoming LP Grazie Governo. The seven inch pleasers are: ‘Choose My Friends’ b/w ‘Raced Through Berlin’, ‘Grazie Governo’ b/w ‘High Horse’ and ‘Warchief’ b/w ‘DLTDHYOTWO’.
May 16. Here is Gal’s Highway To Hell radio show on spreaker.
Spot the deliberate mistake and win a no-prize!
The Gonads: For beef and liberty!
The Beastie Boys publish their Beastie Boys Book on 30th October. The biog comes with rare photos, original illustrations, a cookbook (!), a graphic novel, a map of Beastie Boys’ New York, mixtape playlists, and articles by guest contributors.
May 15. We’re hearing disturbing reports of Infa Riot’s performance at the Jocks On The Docks weekender on Saturday night. It seems that Lee Wilson was targeted by an angry mob of hecklers believed to be member of Scottish D/deaf Action (SDA) and the Anti-Dodger League (ADL) who are devoted to fighting against round-dodging. Our source says: “The barracking started as soon as the band came on stage with pranksters in the audience calling out for songs like ‘Manthing’ and ‘Birds & Bees’” – both tracks from the Infa’s awful sell-out second album released in 1984 on the comically misnamed Panache label. The source continued: “Every time the band stopped the cat calls began again. Then they started mimicking Lee’s dances. He was clearly livid and once he even walked off the stage. The chief offender was big fat noisy ginger bloke who could have been Fat Col’s love child. The guy was fairly unintelligible. I couldn’t tell if this was because he was a drunk anti round-dodger or a D/deaf protestor who had trouble communicating. He was a big cherry-faced fool.” The heckling was pretty effective though. “The Infas started with an audience of 200 and ended up with 30,” claims our source. “If they’d played ten more minutes, they’d have come off stage to the sound of their own footsteps.” This account was sadly confirmed by the PM who witnessed the distressing scenes. “It was horrible,” he tells us, ashen-faced. “I would have intervened on Lee’s behalf but there were just too many of them.” D/deaf activists vowed to picket Infa Riot gigs after the Plymouth-born singer made “unacceptable deafist remarks” in Vive Le Rock. This led to Lee being banned from the Punk Rock Curry Club’s spiritual home in south London by an outraged Indian restaurateur. One D/deaf activist told us “I read on your blog that Wilson may be doing a TV travel show, well, he won’t be coming back to Scotland in a hurry.” Gulp.
May 14. Is this a picture snatched at Miss Management’s wedding to Paul SkaNad? Both are keeping tight-lipped about the secret ceremony, but the camera doesn’t lie. Word is the passionate pair recently wed “under the radar” in order to prevent details of Sarah Black’s real name and age reaching this blog. But why is she so sensitive about disclosing this innocuous information? Rumours abound like Splodgeness: 1) One source claims that Sarah’s surname is Kilmister and that she was born in 1976 just months after Lemmy formed Motorhead! (But that would be something to be proud of, wouldn’t it?) 2) Our royal expert Kevin Kissass says that her real parents were John Bindon and Princess Margaret and that her birth was hushed up by the Palace with a government D-notice... and 3) Surely we can ignore the ludicrous suggestion that the divine Miss M started her working life as Maxine Martinez, a Spanish professional wrestler who was expelled from the sport following an illegal flying head-butt and “gleefully excessive use of the whip”!?!
Good news! We mixed and mastered our fantastic DIRTY METAL GONADS album today. We’ll reveal the full track listing nearer the July release date, but suffice to say the new version of Skinhead Girl is a stone-cold KILLER!
Oh dear. Martin “Fluff” Burney has foolishly thrown down a drinking challenge to our Gal. We pity his liver. Sir Gonad in his serious drinking days was known to consume 26 pints and still walk home unaided. Our official response to the noted Ska DJ was relayed by Fat Col who tweeted: “Oi, Fluff, name your day and name your poison!” Gal’s preferred option is the ‘Around The World’ mixed discipline challenge which takes participants around the globe and around the optics, but says Col: “He’s happy to stick to beer if that’s too intimidating. Over to you!” Please note: our full list of challenges includes the pork belly speed-race, the eye-watering Curry Hell, and the fearsome all-day non-stop Quasar marathon. Who wants it?
STOP PRESS! THE GONADS – AN APOLOGY: The Gonads today issue an official apology to all of supporters for our lack of gigs this year. Our frustrating inactivity has been caused by injuries sustained on the US tour last November. Our new recordings have taken a backseat for the same reasons. BUT our Guildford date on the 28th September is very definitely ON! Gal has vowed to do the show, says Fit Bird “even if ’e ’as to come on stage in a wheelchair like Robert Wyatt or Brian Potter.”
May 13. Happy birthday to Gal Gonad! He’s 93 you know. (63 surely? – Factual Fit Bird). Here is some good birthday news to share with all of you. Gal and Steve Kent are talking about recording a PROLE album. It’s early days but as we understand it, the chaps will re-record the old Prole favourites and record several new tracks using the authentic lost lyrics found by Fat Col in his great Nads HQ attic clear-out last week. Skenty will write the music and sing, just like the good old days. Double blinding or what? (Honest Hal’s Likelihood of this Actually Happening rating: 95 percent).
But what, you ask, about the Las Vegas TV pilot we hinted at? A wind-up surely? It appears not. Gal and Sandie West (directorial dominatrix) are genuinely looking at a date in August to film the show which Sandie tells us will be “very much in the Gonads spirit – funny, outrageous and free thinking.” There will be comedy, punk, Ska, interviews, unguarded views and “absolutely no fuckin’ karaoke”. Watch out James Corden we’re coming for ya! (Honest Hal’s Likelihood rating: 70percent).
May 12. Our mole attended an invitation only Artists For Brexit event in London’s Fitzrovia earlier today. There were authors, poets, musicians, filmmakers, publishers, Pranksters, ex punks and even some actual artists. It was standing room in the pub for an afternoon of performances, which included a folk singer, a comedian, various poets, an Ulster folk musician and even a young opera singer. All ages were represented and the politics of those present ranged from libertarian to Labour Leave.
In semi related news, bacon-hating, leftwing author John King is working on assembling a pro-Brexit Punks for Freedom event. He is also talking again about finally launching his People’s Party of Great Britain...news of which reduced the ELF (English Liberation Front), to tears of helpless laughter. “King has been talking about this since Two-Ton Tony Madras was slimmer of the year,” guffawed one dashing urbane guerrilla, who added: “PPGB... I dunno, sounds a bit Stalinist to me.” (Honest Hal’s PPGB Likelihood rating: 15percent).
OUT now: Hammer & The Nails’ self-titled 12inch ep... and Oi Ain’t Dead vol 6 which features CROWN COURT, HOSTILE MINDS, B-SQUADRON, TOP DOG, BRASSKNUCKLE, HARD WAX and CITY MILES, plus tracks from CLOCKWORK SOLDIERS’ unreleased 1985 demo. Both on vinyl from Rebellion Records.
Fat Col is planning a big Royal Wedding celebration. “Nothing big,” he tells us. “But on the day I shall be having a party in my pants looking at Meghan Markle lingerie shots”. Oaf.
A message from Mars: Anyone in the UK can request a screening of his new Scumbag film at their local movie theatre via OurScreen.com Basically people request the film, select a date/time and then need a certain amount of tickets to sell – if they don’t sell the screening doesn’t happen and nobody is charged. It’s a bit like Kickstarter or crowd-sourced funding. For the next four months the movie will be available for request on that site.
There might be a slight hitch in the great Waysted reunion dream. We hear that one former member has agreed to rejoin but only on condition that Pete pays him several grand upfront. The news did not go down well. According to our band insider: “Pete hasn’t looked so white since his last divorce settlement.” (Honest Hal’s Likelihood of this Actually Happening rating: 35percent and falling).
May 11. If you’re going to Punk Rock Bowling this month – and let’s face it who wouldn’t be? – be advised that the amazing Svetlanas, dubbed “the most dangerous band in the world”, open the bill on the final day, Monday 28th. UK bands over the Vegas weekend include GBH, Slaves, Steve Ig, the Partisans, the Upstarts, the brilliant Buster Shuffle and... Resistance 77 (?!?). How the feck did they manage that? Nice one Kieron! Headliners are Rise Against, NOFX and “post-hardcore” herberts At The Drive In.
Rumours and whispers: film director Ray Santilli said to have made an unofficial bid to manage the Rejects... Gal and Sandie West (dictatorial director) set to record a late-night TV pilot in Las Vegas... Terence Hayes, PM, to appear on Britain’s Got Talent as Marvo, the Amazing Memory Man... (only one of those three snippets is entirely made up – a coveted Gonads no-prize to the first person who correctly spots it). And while we’re discussing unexpected turns of event, rock legend Pete Way is putting Waysted back together! This is not a wind-up. The former UFO wild man has already recruited guitar ace Paul “Tonka” Chapman and singer Danny Vaughn. Can Nacho Jase be far behind? No word so far on the drummer but we hear he may be a septic. A spokesman for Pete’s liver was last seen sobbing quietly to itself outside a black market Dignatas clinic in Bournemouth.
May 10. Mars Roberge’s outrageous indie comedy movie SCUMBAG has its UK premiere on Friday week, that’s the 18th May, at London’s VUE Piccadilly. The screening is presented by the Los Angeles Punk Film Festival with a cast Q & A conducted by Bruno Wizard of 70s punk band The Homosexuals. Tickets can only be purchased in advance from here. Scumbag has been called ‘The Office unhinged, mixed with Mulholland Drive, mixed with Spinal Tap’. It’s set in a sales office, Ron Jeremy works there as a temp and the company slogan is “I’ve got a boner to sell toner”. Typical line: “If your parents got divorced would they still be brother and sister?” They’re a complete bunch of reprobates. Even the film’s hero Phil ends up on crack. Scumbag comes recommended by Hollywood leg-end Sandie West herself. So buy a ticket and make her happy because you wouldn’t like her if she was angry... Scumbag the movie stars Princess Frank (lead singer for Gary Oldman’s band) and Debra Haden (Rat-man), along with legends such as Nina Hartley (Boogie Nights), Kid Congo Powers (The Cramps, Nick Cave, Gun Club), Superstar DJ Keoki and Michael Alig (both depicted in the movie Party Monster), Angelo Moore (Fishbone), Neon Music (Youthquake), Nick Zedd (Godfather of Cinema of Transgression), Howie Pyro (Danzig, D Generation), Penny Arcade (Andy Warhol starlette), Tom Silverman (Tommy Boy Records), Ron Jeremy (Ronin), Don Bolles (Germs, 45 Grave), Vanessa Lake (Inked Magazine’s Pin-up Girl), D.H. Peligro (Dead Kennedys), Goddess Bunny (Marilyn Manson’s The Dope Show), Spookey Ruben (Canadian pop sensation), Cindy Lucas (American Pie), Monique Parent (Bloodthirsty), Keith Morris (Black Flag, Circle Jerks, Off!), Kosha Dillz (Jewish freestyle rapper), En Esch (KMFDM, Pigface, PIG, Slick Idiot), Jennifer Precious Finch (L7), Little Annie (The Swans) and many more!
Richie Rocker is impressed by the idea of Lee Wilson as a TV travel show host. “The title should be easy,” he says. “Dodging A Round (The World In 80 Days).” Kerching! It’s a winner. Of course we’ll have to change his nickname from Daktari to something more suitable. Whicker maybe. Or possibly Judith Chalmers...
May 9. Extraordinary scenes last night as potty-mouthed comedian Shayna Ross – the punk rock Joan Rivers – joined Gal and Steve Whale for a special curry club planning meeting in sunny Sidcup. Just two beers in Steve was approached and embraced by a very old, slightly confused pensioner with no teeth. “It’s okay, it’s his ex-wife,” shouted an oaf from another table (Fat Col, natch). That was discomforting enough but then Shayna hit the chaps with the most shocking words that anyone has uttered for years. To wit: “I like Lee Wilson, he’s very funny.” Funny how, they asked, funny peculiar? No she said, funny funny, adding that she wanted to front a TV travel show with Lee, giving the great man the opportunity to dodge his round in a whole new array of currencies. You can go off people you know.
Actual noos: Alvin Gibbs has been in Soho all week recording his first solo album... the new Street Sounds annual is “days away” according to Stalin... Secret Affair and The Truth play Brighton Old Market on 26th August... and in more Mod news, Brenda Holloway, Push and the Len Price 3 are among the bands playing Margate’s Mod & Sixties festival over Whitsun Bank Holiday.
May 8. Remember we asked whether a certain suggested act was possible with a melon? Well our resident fruit and veg expert The Yeti has spent the Bank Holiday weekend investigating and after days of intensive research she reports: “Bananas and cucumbers yes, obviously; avocados (preferably unripe) and unpeeled oranges yes, with a bit of effort. Once, on a good run, I made significant progress with a garden marrow but even I couldn’t manage a melon.” Well that’s one mystery solved. Anyone for prickly pears?
The Swinging Utters have just finished recording a new album. Good ol’ Johnny Bonnel tells us: “There’s no release date yet, but it’s finished and ready to be mastered.”
Here’s the brand new Baby Metal single, Distortion.
Guns N’ Roses will release what Lord Waistrel dubs an “ingenious work of advanced fan exploitation” and what their record company call a re-mastered version of their classic debut album Appetite For Destruction. Out on 29th June, formats include CD, 2CD deluxe edition, 2LP 180g vinyl, a super deluxe edition CD box set and a ginormous, eye-wateringly expensive Locked N’ Loaded vinyl box set. The box set is limited to 10,000 copies and includes the 4CD super deluxe edition featuring the newly re-mastered album B-Sides N’ EPs, the previously unreleased 1986 Sound City Session N’ More recordings, and the Live ?!*@ Like a Suicide EP with the extra track Shadow Of Your Love. A snip at £740. Tsk and we thought the Pistols pulled off the greatest rock ’n’ roll swindle...
May 7. Suedehead bard Tim ‘Teething’ Wells, a man who consists entirely of reggae, lager top, pie & mash and Leyton Orient FC, has written a new skinhead novel called Moonstomp. It involves werewolves. You can see the details and back it here.
Out now: The Aquabats!’ double album The Fury Of The Aquabats. It’s a re-mastered edition with four additional tracks including the previously unreleased ‘Hockey Fight!’ This 2 x vinyl LP from Gloopy Records includes an etched D-side. We don’t know what that means but it sounds exciting. It’s our great hope that Jenny Woo asks to see our etchings one day... also Harley Flanagan has released Dr. Know, a brand new six-song 12inch EP in the Cro-Mags vein. It’s available from Music Video Distributors.
Fat Col calls in a state of high excitement. “Lord Waistrel has made me his official spleen-venter,” he tells us. What does that mean? “When his Lordship is angry with someone, I get to phone them up and shout at them. And it pays!” How much? “Five guineas and a Gonads no-prize a day!” Great, we reply unconvinced. So who have you got to tear into first? “It’s a long list including Theresa May, Corbyn, Lord Adonis, Penny Rimbaud and Paloma Faith,” he says. “I’m hoping Wattsie will piss him off soon. I can’t wait to give her an ear-full.” (That’s about all he could fill – Wattsie). (Body-shamer! – Col).
May 6. Rejoice! The controversial DIRTY METAL: GONADS album is GO! The rock-hard twelve track collection described as “a glorious cacophony of aural delights” – that’s aural with an ‘au’, Col – will be released by Soitainly in July. Rolling thunder indeed! A tight-lipped Fit Bird tells us that record companies in the USA and Germany are also interested so a vinyl version of this extraordinary classic is “a real possibility”. We ask for a definitive track listing but she maintains her dignified silence.
May 5. This was the scene outside the French House in London’s Dean Street yesterday evening at the wake for Suggsy’s mum Edith. It was a bloody good send off. R.I.P.
May 4. Don’t forget BAD MANNERS play ULU in London tonight and they are absolutely on fire right now. Max Splodge supports.
Here’s a turn-up! As part of his penance for his numerous crimes against humanity, Fat Col was tasked with cleaning the loft at Nads HQ yesterday and in the course of his labours he uncovered a folder with PROLE written on it. Inside were the lyrics to several never recorded Prole songs from the 1980s including Teenage Wasteland, Reaching For Eden, Solidarity, Forbidden Fruit, Ode To Garry Johnson and Refugee Blues. Col tells us “Some were unfinished; others had chords written under the words. The only title I recognised was Fire Down Under which was recorded by The Business once Prole had packed up. I was close to tears of joy.” This is a significant discovery of huge interest to all scholars of Oi! music. Prole were a side project created by Gal and Steve Kent in the 1980s whose classic songs included Generation Landslide, Destination Room 101, Working and We’ll Never Say Die. Could they be tempted back for an album?
The great ORAL saga looks likely to run and run. We have just been contacted by a woman called Eden who claims to be the daughter of Oral’s original bassist Candy and who says she wants to resurrect the smutty sex-rock band and their “lewd legacy” but “as a proper gigging enterprise”. Gulp. This seems unlikely to please Wattsie Watts. More news when we have it.
PRANKSTER alert: there is an extra special secret event in London on the afternoon of 12th May. See your Tyler for details.
In actual news – NOFX release a new live album as part of the resurrected Live in a Dive series. It’s due out on 3rd August 3 via Fat Wreck Chords... The Mighty Mighty Bosstones are launching their own music festival this year. The inaugural Cranking & Skanking Fest will erupt into lusty life at Worcester Palladium Outdoors in Massachusetts on Saturday 25th August 25th. The line-up includes them, Toots And The Maytals, The Bouncing Souls, Fishbone, The Pietasters, and The Planet Smashers among others... Stars And Stripes’s Shaved For Battle has been re-released on vinyl by Taang! with two tracks from their Drop The Bomb 7inch that weren’t on the original LP as a bonus. Stars And Stripes is the Oi side-project of Choke from Slapshot. It’s on black vinyl, limited to 500 copies.
May 3. Gal is talking about putting together a 40 Years Of Oi! compilation for 2020, to follow up the successful Oi Never Surrender 30 years comp. There is no word yet on whether it would consist of new tracks from old stalwarts, vital young bands, or the traditional mixture of both.
Poor Elizabeth Evans (intrepid investigator) is the victim of a shocking hate campaign. Trembling slightly, the voluptuous cvltnation reporter tells us that hardcore female fans of Oral have reacted badly to her hard-nosed report on the all-girl shock rock trio. She forwards some of the hysterical hate mail and our spirits sag. How can people get so crazy? It’s sick and unacceptable. Besides it’s not physically possible to do that with a melon, is it?
There is not much we can tell you about yesterday’s Jolly Prankster May Day celebrations, except that it took place at Jollity Farm in Essex (a few miles east of Itchycoo Park), the OB was banned, and Fat Col made a fool of himself (So no surprise there). It was a day of beer, food and musical festivities. And the PM was master of ceremonies. Standing on the stage with his legs astride like a government minister, the great man delighted the brethren with his personal musical bookings. These included bands like Stoat Strangler, Muff Warren, Sadcake and Saint Oick, who went down “like Stormy Daniels” according to our source. But the comics were less successful. “Arthur Grudge was pretty good,” he whispers. “But when Fat Col took the stage our hearts sank. He struggled with the crowd and started sweating like Dianne Abbott on Countdown. In desperation he broke into a tuneless rendition of the unreleased Gonads classic The Great Sidcup Salami Scandal, but then clearly drunk he abandoned his act and started sucking up to a glowering Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) by urging the assembled brothers to ‘demand a Dirty Metal Gonads tour to back up the brilliant album’. He punched the air and shouted ‘Bring back Nacho Jase! Bring back Mick Maverick! Bring on the rolling thunder!’ He was then led away to a quiet place. And left there.” (Col’s best joke, if you’re asking was: “Does Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds prove John Lennon was lousy at Cluedo?” Wonder who he nicked that from.)
Here is the video for the new BAR STOOL PREACHERS single All The Broken Hearts, which is the first track from the boys’ upcoming album Grazie Governo. That’s out on Pirates Press in August.
May 2. Intrepid investigator Elizabeth Evans has published her report on Oral. You can find it here:
Gal’s Rancid Sounds show is now on Spreaker. There’s another new song from the East End Badoes album, A Punk Rock Sound with an East End Beat, in the mix which we forgot to mention yesterday. The album, available from amazon, is selling like hot cakes at a Bake Off fan convention. Scene insiders say the Badoes are finally “on the rise” after serving a mere 36 year apprenticeship. Fat Col tells us that the band are playing the “Jocks On The Docks” festival (Chaos On The Clyde surely? – Ed) over the weekend of 10-13th May along with Infa Riot, Control, Angry Agenda, Beerzone, The Ejected and more. Our continental readers are reminded that the Randale Meeting also takes place that weekend (11th to 13th) in Schramberg, Germany. Our pals The Generators are playing along with The Strike, Arch Rivals, Komintern Sect, Out Of Order and the essential Gewodnheitstrinker. The venue is 40miles from the border with France and Switzerland. It’s good but it ain’t a fish farm. Poor show, Diana.
May 1. Happy May Day! Free beer for all the workers, when the Oi! revolution comes!
Gal’s brand new Rancid Sounds show goes out at 11pm tonight, featuring hot new tracks from Territories, Louise Distras, Roadside Bombs, Monkish, Christine Sugary Staple, Dee Cracks, Corporation Pop, Tiger Army, Gimp Fist, Crim, Harrington Saints, Armada, the Ejected, Rats Nest, the Senton Bombs & the Macc Lads only on SECOND CITY RADIO.
Lord Waistrel has intervened personally in the Dirty Metal Gonads furore and has sent us a long handwritten note defending his position. Unfortunately he has written it in Old English; the language of his childhood, which none of us understand. So we hand it to passing Anglo-Saxon professor Edith Bat who sums it up thusly: “Lord Waistrel says that the DMG project is not a departure from the Gonads core mission statement which is still ‘punk rock for row people’ and ever will be.” Phew! “He goes on the long-player is merely a heartfelt celebration of our love for hard rock and heavy metal, our numerous links with the genre, and our life-long appreciation of its power and passion.” Good, good. “Oh wait, there is a PS in Ancient Greek... ” She pauses, ponders and then pulls a face. “He also says if by happenchance the album results in some, ahem, long-legged dirty metal ‘totty’ turning up a Waistrel towers offering to pleasure him orally it will merely be an unexpected bonus.” No wonder he gets on so well with Fat Col (who’s still in hiding, in Tankerton with Charlton Tel... but don’t tell Martin Sporrell).
A quick update: the new Stomper 98 album Althergebracht (traditional) is out now and is a bona fide corker – with 13 tracks and that Lars guy on bass it’s by far their hottest release yet... the new Street Dogs album Stand For Something Or Die For Nothing is out on 22nd June via Century Media... we’re hoping to have copies of our American Gonads comp to sell sometime this Summer.