May 31. The great Gonads auction is going ahead. Gal will attend Sally Farmiloe’s famine relief do and the assembled bods will bid for a chance to book the band for a fund-raising charity event, and to perform with us on stage. The winning bidder will either sing Infected or be flag girl (NB. If she chooses option b, Flag Girl, then the “tits out” rule applies.)

*What do DMG look like? Unflattering but accurate look-alikes of all four band members and FB now appear on the DMG myspace page: www.myspace.com/hcmetalgonads

* Record news: the Bouncing Souls’ ‘Anchors Aweigh’ album is now available again as an LP and a CD. No Record News: still no sign of the London Diehards’ debut album, which is apparently called ‘Looking For Trouble’ - like two other albums released by the same label (trouble they can do, finishing albums is a little harder). In similar vein, DMG’s debut album may be called Exile On Pain Street, Blonde On Blondes, Are You Sexperienced, or Dark Side Of The Goons.

May 30. Thank you Germany! Danke schön! The Torgau Total Oi festival was a hoot; even if it did end with a wild-eyed R.D. MacGonad decking a punter.... The CHAOS began on Thursday night when the Beastmobile blew up. The DRINKING began at 6.30am on Friday morning. The LAUGHS started when Gal’s bag was searched by customs and his stage dildo was held aloft by a shocked security lady (“I always thought that Garry Bushell was a pervert,” observed a passing pensioner). The FUN climaxed when flag girl Nicole decided the Union Jack should best be displayed while topless. The MADNESS reached a peak when a Spanish skinhead dropped his strides and underwear backstage to show his “respect” for Gal... yes you read that right, he flashed his cheeky little chorizo, not once but several times in “honour” of Mr. Gonad. The honour was then reciprocated by MacGonad and two of the lads from Scottish band Hateful just as Ecke from Contra Records walked in and drew entirely the wrong conclusion about how the Gonads like to party. Gott in Himmel!

It would be wrong to say our rhythm section was blitzed by the time we went on stage. They were as sober as any judge would be if said judge had started his day with a few breakfast Stellas at Stansted airport, then moved on to a Turkish kebab house in Torgau for some afternoon liveners and continued in earnest back at the hotel with a session on Meister Jäger’s 70-proof liquorice restorative (“Good for the voice” – RD) before getting back on the lagers for a couple of hours pre-show. The festival itself was fine. Great atmosphere, a good audience, decent people organising it. It was just a shame about the on-stage sound monitors which didn’t seem to work at all. The show was delayed for ten minutes while RD growled at the sound man and denounced the stage manager as an absent fool. In the second half of the set, however, the drummer’s anger found a new focus in the shape of a drunken German skin who, in between singing along to the songs, was calling us “Schiesser” and allegedly glaring at RD. The first we knew about the fast developing problem was a friendly exchange of drum-sticks – two were hurled forcefully at the guy’s head. And when one was returned it was fired back with a side-order of venom. At the end of the set, as Gal and Jase debated about whether or not to defy the stage hands and do the encore the audience was clamouring for, we noticed that RD was no longer with us. He’d vanished into the crowd and given the skin a pasting. Some bands might be horrified by such behaviour. We merely promoted RD to his new role as Gonads Complaints Department. The Gonads! We’re back and now we’re hard! Harder than the rest! Who wants it, you Muppets (etc etc).

In the dressing room, RD explained his behaviour to anyone who’d listen, saying “I dinnae give it, but I dinnae take it either” (several hours later, however, the explanation changed to him now saying he’d been provoked by the skin spitting at Gal – although no-one else saw this happen; a cynical Beast connected the change in story to RD’s suggestion that the band should reimburse him for his missing sticks. A scurrilous slur). Even this wasn’t the end, though. The Contra team were filming a documentary of the event, which RD promptly took over, handling all the interviews with natural aplomb (“RD MacGonad, News At Ten, sober.”). We felt it best we left after that. Gal, the Beast and Jase found an open bar, full of friendly bilingual Cock Sparrer fans and drank with them till about 1.45am; Mick and RD stayed on in there until 3.30am... When our driver turned up to take us back to the airport at 5am, MacGonad furiously denounced him as a fucking bastard who’d woke him up an hour earlier then he’d said he would (in reality RD had simply forgotten to adjust his watch to German time). In the subsequent scramble Mick lost his mobile and RD threatened to “come back and take over this country”; both men then passed out on the plane.

So much happened, we haven’t got the time or the energy to detail the many small joys of the trip. Thanks to Hechti, Ecke, Krummel and the Contra crew, especially our driver who may well have been Charlie Harper’s 62-year-old love child. Thanks also to our new friend Katia who joined us for ‘Infected’ and was suitably surprised by the dildo, and the very lovely Nicole whose topless appearance for ‘British Steel’ inspired a standing ovation (even amongst blokes who were sitting down). Good to meet the guys from Denmark’s The Guv’nors and Catalonia’s Secret Army, although we wished our new Spanish pal had kept his privates secret. Cheers to Control and Hateful for the crack. We haven’t even mentioned RD’s 9 volt battery saga, or Mick’s true tales of his time in the Royal Green Jackets, or the fact that the bill for the Beastmobile’s repair is higher than the cost of the car, or the identity of the self-styled table football champion who Gal beat 10 – Nil (although he was a) drunk and b) Scottish). Aye. What a give away! Happy daze! · MATTERS arising. The Beast has now proposed that in the interests of Professionalism, no more than two pints (of beer) shall be consumed by band members prior to gigs. FB will enforce. Good luck with that. He also announced that all future flag-girls will be required by law to follow Nicole’s example and get them out for the lads. Mick to enforce. Double good luck with that.

· AS well as having his stage dildo examined, Gal also had his deodorant confiscated. Moaned our leader: “They take our water, our shaving foam and our deodorant... everything terrorists don’t use, we can’t have. C***s.” And quoth Paul: “You’re not allowed deodorants but you could kill the pilot with the cheese-burgers they sell on board. Gae away and fuck.”

May 28. Our dear old chum Terence Hayes, WM, received a strange but heart-felt apology from a barking mad US skin-bird fan. The two-fisted Texan told the London Diehards singer that she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and explained that it was a case of mistaken identity. "I mistook you for the Terry who sings in the East End Badoes," she explained. An easy mistake to make. Here's how to tell them apart. The Terry who sings with the Diehards is a disgraceful reprobate with a shockingly poor memory who does a lot of gigs. The Terry who sings with the Badoes is a disgraceful reprobate with a shockingly poor memory who doesn't.

* After insisting that the promoter drop Long Tall Shorty from the Garage, The Chords have now been told that Paul Weller does not want them to support him at the Isle of Wight. Hmm. Karma? Or the power of Waistrel? You decide.

May 27. We’d pleased to announce the first London King Hammond gig in 21 years at The Gaff, Holloway Road, North London on July 30th. His Royal Reggae ’Ighness will be backed by his band, The Rude Boy Mafia. Expect to hear tracks from King Hammond’s new album 'The King & I' alongside songs from his 80s output like 'Skaville UK' and 'King Hammond shuffle'. No more than 250 people will be allowed into the venue, so book early, innit. Support comes from Swagga & Semi-Skinned. Long Live the King!

May 26. Our gorgeous but entirely bonkers photographer mate Antonia Moore rings up asking if she can include ‘singing with the Gonads’ as a prize at a charity do being organised by fragrant Howard’s Way actress Sally Farmiloe. We thought she meant at one of our gigs; she actually means on the night at the charity auction. Are you sure, love? Imagine that. It’s Wednesday night, it’s Kensington, and here, joining Gal Gonad in a chorus of ‘Fucked If I Do’, straight from the chauffeur-driven Bentley Azure, is the Right Honourable Baroness Marigold Biscuit-Barrel the Third. It ain’t gonna happen, doll...

*Good luck to the Rejects who are off to Switzerland tomorrow on a week-long European tour, including Sunday night in Graz, Austria - the same town on the same day as the England v Japan match. What could possibly go wrong?

May 23. Oh bugger. Gal’s podcast will NOT be up and running any time soon as it seems there was a technical fault in the Total Rock studio, meaning that all of the chat was recorded and none of the music. Unfortunately because of our German expedition, Gal won’t be back in to record it this month, and the whole thing will have to be re-done in June. Apologies all round. And let nobody say that the technical fault was anything to do with the two clowns operating the desk – Mssrs G. Gonad and King Hammond.

*And continuing this run of bad luck, the London Diehards’ album launch show last night went ahead without any sign of an actual album. Reports our source “Apparently it’s been delayed again. They had all the artwork there, plus the covers and the boxes – everything except the disc.” Throughout the evening, the WM kept us up-dated on the band’s progress by text. Starting with, at 5.46pm: “The London Hillbillies are en route. The ‘tour bus’ is a clapped-out, thirty year old VW camper van. We should get there about midnight. We just had to pull over to let a woman go past pushing a baby in a pram, we’re going so slow. Style that’s what I say! The Clampetts look like the Hiltons compared to this mob.” Tune back tomorrow when Ciaran strikes oil in his pants, dear old Terence has trouble telling the TV set from the washing machine, the band appoints yet another new manager (Jed’s racoon-dog, Duke) and Ellie May finds true love back in the safe manly arms of the Gonads. All together: “Come listen to the story ’bout a band half dead, poor skinhead boys trying to struggle out of bed, then one day Tel was gigging for some food, and up from the floor came a lunatic from Bruges...”

May 22. The London Diehards launch their new album tonight at a gig in Bicester – probably. No-one has actually seen a finished copy yet. And the last “official album launch” (in Bruges) turned into just another gig. So what’s the album called, we asked the WM? He replied – and this is verbatim: “I don’t know, bear with me, I forget, hang on; no, I really don’t know.” Hmm. This sounds a bit of a mouthful but we’re sure it’ll do well. Maybe next time they should pick a title more relevant to the look of the band, for example ‘The Further Adventures of The Clampetts’ starring Jed, Granny and Jethro. Sadly, their “Elly May”, the ravishing Charlton Lisa has been sacked as manager, after apparently “transgressing the unwritten law.” When we asked what exactly she’d done, an ashen-faced WM revealed that Lisa had been “caught in communication with Tottenham Sean” – their former, former manager. So it comes as some surprise then to reveal that on Thursday night in a top-level meeting at Hill-Billy Central the band negotiated the return, as manager, of the very same Tottenham Sean. Confused? You are and we are, but we take comfort in the fact that we will never be as befuddled as the WM. Pip, pip.

May 21. Gal recorded his latest pod-cast today with special guest King Hammond, the sovereign of Ska and a prince among men. Tracks played include new releases from Control, Long Tall Shorty, The Blades UK, Dreadzone and Ken Dodd’s Dad’s Dog’s Dead. Also featured: songs from The Snipes, CDCP, Babyhead, Masterswitch, Swagga, Engrained, Stomper 98, Moscow’s Uchitel Truda, Waysted, Kingdom of Darkness and of course, King Hammond whose debut album is available NOW! The pod should be up and running over the weekend. Babyhead... that sounds like something Emma Bunton’s fella should get on a daily basis.

*The people behind the excellent Doctor Feelgood documentary film Oil City Confidential are shooting something similar with the Cockney Rejects, to be called East End Babylon.

*Here’s a news release from the Blades UK, but don’t think we’re doing this for everyone: ‘Spirit Of England’ is a charity ep for the Forces. Singer Jeneira says “We have ex-servicemen living rough on the streets, and the likes of Johnson Beharry, VC, attempting suicide. It’s a national disgrace. ‘Spirit Of England’ is a positive song for the World Cup, which will have the even more positive side-effect of raising money for Help 4 Heroes. We love our footballers but let’s not forget that our boys and girls on the frontline; they are the backbone of the UK.” This is London Streetpunk at its best. Make a difference - buy this ep.

May 20. Random stuff: our mates Argy-Bargy are busy writing new songs; they’re going in the studio next month to record ’em all... The blinding Blades UK are finally up on MySpace, their debut ‘Spirit of England’ ep is out on Monday week – all profits go to Help 4 Heroes... King Hammond will be Gal’s next pod-cast guest; the show should be up and running by the weekend... Hot Aussie rock n oi band The Corps are looking to play UK dates this September.

May 19. Memo to our Millwall-supporting friends and relatives: yes we did see the score tonight and we know the score from Monday, we really don’t need to be reminded. Now piss off, you fluky bastards.

May 18. A historic agreement has been reached between the warring Gonads factions that will unite us as two compatriot bands and pave the way for a glorious future. In the spirit of the Cameron-Clegg pact, there were compromises on both sides but bad feeling has, for now, been flushed down the khazi of history. Although the fine print of the peace treaty has yet to be fully ratified, these following broad areas have been agreed on. To wit: 1) Dale ‘The Beast’ Beeson remains as Manager of The Gonads, reporting directly to Lord Waistrel; FB is officially installed as Nads Tour Manager. 2) DMG will launch officially this summer, under the day to day guidance of FB with The Beast as Associate Manager (Legal). 3) The Gonads will play a webcast concert with special friends later this year, and will record our Greater Hits album over the summer, with Steve Whale as production consultant. Efforts will be made to ensure that the US dates finally happen. 4) DMG will record a debut single in June, and will begin work on a “shit-kickin’” debut album, with Pete Way as production consultant. Tour dates will follow. On hearing the news, Scrotum, Waistrel’s wrinkly retainer, was over-come with emotion. “It’s peace in our time hall over again,” he sobbed. And we all know what happened the last time someone said that...

May 17. Maninblack's lead vocalist André Schlesinger has terminated his bass player and drummer’s band memberships. Or as the New York Post might have put it: André Swings Axe, Bass & Drums Get Sack. While this might seem a rash move, particularly after Maninblack's ground-breaking performance at the Double Down Saloon in NYC a fortnight ago, and their recent deal with Contra Records, André sites a “bizarre lack of enthusiasm” and effort on the part of the other members as the reason for the ruthless move. André will keep Maninblack going, and is searching for a new bassist and drummer. Band manager Garry Bushell tells us: “Maninblack are poised to electrify the European Punk and Oi scenes with their urgent mix of tunes, aggression and attitude. This ride isn't going to stop!” For more information on Maninblack's requirements see their ‘musicians wanted’ page at http://www.maninblack.org. (Our favourite ever NYP headline: ‘Headless Body In Topless Bar.’) PS. If lack of effort and enthusiasm were universal reasons to sack band members, how long ago would the WM have got the tintack from the Badoes?

May 16. Angry Rejects fans are protesting to Sky Sports over the way the band were treated last night. The lads did play the ill-fated Kevin “The Hammer” Mitchell into the ring but they had no monitors and could not hear a thing. Sky had wanted them to perform entirely to a backing track, but Jeff insisted on singing live. Sky technicians then edited the song, ludicrously cutting out half of the first verse of ‘Bubbles’. Even more ludicrously, they hadn’t let the band rehearse or even let them hear the edited track – they just had to guess where they were in the song. Chaos ensued. But Jeff did well in the circumstances and on the plus side, they are now officially the first rock band to play Upton Park... and they did get to the end. Unlike Kev.

*We have added Oi-The Page to this website. Send us your gig and album news and we’ll stick it up for you. The Gonads: keeping the scene alive. And the obscene of course.

May 15. Don’t forget the Cockney Rejects play Kevin Mitchell into the ring at West Ham tonight – and it’s all live on Sky Sports 1. (Live Big Fight Special)

*ODD. Wattsie Watts reports that England goalkeeper David James just challenged Gal to try being a goalie – this was shown several times on BBC Breakfast, she says. Fit Bird tells us that Gal is now officially in training and is swapping Stella for Bombardier bitter to get match fit. He’s also promising to record a pod-cast next week which will feature the best new In-ger-land anthems. Rhoda Dakar and Wattsie are likely to be his studio guests.

*Random stuff: We’re in talks with a Russian promoter about a possible Moscow gig... more news as it happens. Tony Rettman's new book ‘Why Be Something That You're Not: Detroit Hardcore 1979-1985’ is published on July 1st. Italian hardcore nutters Anti You have just released their debut album, ‘Two-Bit Schemes And Cold War Dreams’ – very 80s, very weighty.

May 14. A small set-back in negotiations for the Gonads movie. Eric Rowan, exec producer of the Rolling Stones film Stoned, had expressed a strong interest in Curry On Up The Gonads and meetings were held in Soho and the Tower Hotel. Glaswegian Eric assured us that the finances would shortly be in place. The script has been written – by comedian Mick Pugh – and a cast including Billy Murray, Vikki Thomas, André Schlesinger and David Courtney were on stand-by. This week however there was a minor complication when we learnt that the seemingly charming Mr. Rowan has been sentenced to four years for fraud. Further investigations reveal that he has notched up a string of court appearances starting in 1983, when he was jailed for five years at the Airdrie High Court for defrauding the Royal Bank of Scotland and American Express out of £120,000. In between writing books about Man United and a film script for Mohammed Al-Fayed, Mr Wrong’un faced several more fraud charges – usually involving luxury cars - and had been branded a “notorious car bandit” (not to be confused with Effete El, a notorious bum bandit). It seems that only the decrepit nature of the Beastmobile saved us from losing more than a few pints and some porky scratchings. The Gonads movie is now on hold, and the all-star cast has been stood down. On the plus side, this unhappy affair will no doubt inspire a new song or two, if not an entire con-man concept album.

May 13. Happy birthday to Gal! Some kind of report may follow, eventually.

*Stop Press: Dutch Oi band Evil Conduct confirmed to play at Frankie Flame’s Yob-Stock (BH2, July 17). Please note: Yob-Stock is an entirely original idea from Superyob, and not at all a shameless scaled-down rip-off of Madstock or Woodstock. The London Diehards are also on the bill, for a change.

*So many people try and plant lies and propaganda on this blog that we feel the need to qualify this announcement, but leaked intelligence from a good source suggests that new East End Badoes songs allegedly include: ‘Crazy Bitch (Benelux Mix)’, ‘I Feel Thor’ (apparently a piss-take of gay Nazis), and ‘Fade To Hayes’ (about memory loss). And if they don’t record them, we certainly will.

May 12. The Cockney Rejects will play Kevin ‘The Hammer’ Mitchell into the ring on Saturday. They’ll be the first band ever to play Upton Park – and it’ll be shown live on Sky Sports. Kev is un-beaten after 31 professional fights so as Jeff says, let’s hope the Curse of the Rejects doesn’t nobble him. Tony Van Frater excelled himself when the gig was confirmed; he rang to ask whether the boys will actually be playing in the ring itself. Yes, you doughnut, because Frank Warren’s people will happily stand around waiting while you de-rig afterwards... Maybe Kev and Katsidis will help you shift the amps and the drums too... We love Tone like a brother, but there are times you think he’d struggle to spell Oxo backwards.

*An outraged reader tells us that the Misogynes were not “shit” on Saturday night but rather “shit hot.” Our apologies for printing this misinformation and thanks for the correction to the sexy and entirely impartial Vanessa from the Misogynes.

*Feedback news: Tone is playing guitar with Arsenal’s own the Riders of the Night for one gig next month in Camden. All of their songs take the piss out of Tottenham, but luckily Spurs-mad Scoops won’t ever know as there’s no guest list and he’d never pay to get in. Hey Andy, what is it that makes the legs of female Spurs fans look so good? That’s right; tight genes...

May 11. More revelations from the weekend’s London Diehards gig at the Moloko Bar in Bruges. Belgium oi fans are complaining forcefully about the shambolic French support band, variously described as “an unrehearsed mess” and “utter shite.” So why were they on the bill? Apparently on the personal recommendation of the WM himself... Another of Tel’s mates, an Australian skinhead bird, was already banned from the club but turned up defiantly saying “I’m with the WM”. When the owner tried to evict her, she wrapped a beer bottle round his head. All together: “South-south Aussie aggro girls, finest fighting women in the world...”

*Meanwhile in the real world, groups of exhausted men are meeting in secret locations in behind-the-scenes discussions about the future, with everybody tearing up their manifesto promises... but enough about the Gonads management struggle, what we want to know is how come Gordon Brown’s still here? (Please note: there will be nothing more said about the ongoing power struggle between RD and The Beast on this blog until there is something proper to report – by order of Lord Waistrel’s enforcer, the Bishop of Soho.) Preparations are underway for the German gig and we plan to add ‘Franken-Skin’ to the set. If you would like to be our flag-girl in Torgau please email waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk. (Wenn Sie die Markierungsfahne in Torgau tragen möchten, mailen Sie bitte Waistrel)

*Records of the week – the new album from Angel City Outcasts, called Angel City Outcasts on the Sailor’s Grave label; it’s “where punk meets hardcore, hard rock and rockabilly and kicks off in an orgy of streetpunk rock’n’roll” according to Sandy Lane. Also just out, the ‘Doing The Business’ ep from the Business: four new studio songs plus six live bonus tracks, mostly from 1982.

10th May. Good news, Gal has finally finished his Bushell On The Rampage book which will be published in September. The mirth-packed memoirs include sections on the Upstarts, the Rejects, the Mo-Dettes, Ozzy, ZZ Top, UFO and the Blood, as well as true tales from Fleet Street, Charlton and the wilder shores of the political fringe.

*Thanks for all the positive feedback from the Glasgow gig. We loved every minute, even if Gal’s ankles seem to have been ravished by some deadly breed of Scottish termites. Leah tells us he has “spots the size of fifty pence pieces” on his legs, and on hearing that money might be involved RD immediately demanded 98per cent of them. Although all is healthy on the Gonads surface, behind the scenes the various factions are battling Nick Clegg-stylee to form a coalition with Gal. Waistrel and the Beast have set up an axis of evil and are actively seeking to rally others behind their reactionary banner, including Wattsie Watts, Charlton Tel, Big Jim, Steve Whale, Scoops, Gentleman John, Tony Feedback and the ultra-loyal Charlton Boys. Bit by bit the whispering rebels are demolishing RD’s case. The “money-‘ungry, pahwer-mad Scottish Comrade can’t be trusted”, cautions Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkled retainer. “Why should the band be paying for ’is effin’ drum maintenance, ’is effin’ grub and ’is effin’ roadie? Where does this misplaced sense of entitlement come from? Remember that ’e wiped ’is bloomin’ ’ooter on our flag? The Jock’s a wrong’un, and no mistake.” The Beast points out that RD was incensed when he took an equal share of the band gig money, but then proceeded to give acting Comrade Manager FB exactly that after Glasgow. Waistrel has even been on to Gal suggesting that if anyone should have the lion’s share of the cash it is the singer “who has led the band for 33 years, written or co-written all the songs, and set up all of the decent-paying gigs.” His Lordship went on: “You are the star, you are who the populace come to see. Stick with us and you will have your own separate dressing room, security personnel, Krystal on the rider and a personal Japanese massage geisha girl. You know it makes sense. Don’t let this Johnny-come-lately steal everything we’ve worked for from under our noses.” For his part, Gal is said to be hacked off with the squabbling. Fit Bird tells us: “He loves the new band, but can’t be arsed with all the moaning and back-stabbing. Don’t be too surprised if after Germany he puts the Gonads on hold and concentrates on his solo album instead.”

* Word is filtering back from the Diehards mini-tour. Our source says that the WM was on “top form and I've never seen him as drunk as he was on Friday night. Tel came back from the venue by cab and when asked by the driver where he wanted to go, Tel just kept on giggling. It was like a day trip for the elderly and infirm. Tel's navigation skills were legendary - every time we asked him where we had to go on the map he was fast asleep in the front seat. It must be his age.” The WM was also caught in the middle of the night “praying to Say-Tan and asking for an extra deep tan this coming summer. It was only interrupted by an emergency delivery of moisturising cream which he duly slapped on like a plasterer working two jobs.” Believe it or not, in Belgium he is known as “Terry Bushell” and after every song the Diehards played the crowd were singing "Oh...Terry Bushell - he sold his soul to The Sun". Ciaran did point out that he had actually sold his soul to the sun-bed but it didn’t appear to register with them. Even funnier, the Belgians chose the intro – ‘What’s It Like To Be Old’ by Cocksparrer. Tel was most perturbed and blamed it on the fact that Steve the bass player looks like a cross between Uncle Albert and Max Wall.

May 8. Glasgow was a hoot! Big thanks to Kelvin, Tony Barker and the lads, Shug O’Neill and everyone else who succumbed to the Gonads madness. As Gal said: “Scotland the brave? You must be if you’ve come along to hear our shit.” Thanks too to the canny Scots who requested ‘England’s Glory’ and to flag girl Allyson, who ticked off Gal for spelling her name wrong. No, he replied, your Mum spelt your name wrong...Fellas, we will be back. Off-stage RD and Comrade Manager FB (the Fidel and Che of Oi) continued their forced march towards Professionalism with such exotic delights as a fitted settee in the official Nads tour bus, a communal pre-gig ruby and a vigorously enforced party-all-night, no-kip Buckfast-boozeathon. (FB has issued instructions for Comrade Runner to approach the Buckfast monks for some kind of official sponsorship deal with the health-giving fortified tonic wine.) In a moment of apparent weakness, or a Stella-induced trance, RD even suggested bringing back the Beast in a kind of power-share coalition. Turns out he was thinking of the kind of coalition a drunken Welsh farmer might enjoy with a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Neither Waistrel nor The Beast has much time for democracy, however, and so the choice facing Team Gonad is clear: will we go for an iron-fisted dictatorship of the rocken’proletariat or the devil-may-care shambles that has served us well for 33 glorious if strangely empty years? On one hand we have never sounded better, played tighter or hit with such awesome clout. On the other hand there are already disturbing signs of power going to RD’s head. Earlier in the evening he was busy working out how Gal might care to split the advance that he has negotiated for the next album. This seemed to involve 98per cent of the budget going on RD’s food and drinks bill, and “drum kit maintenance.” Steve Whale + Gal + drum machine sounds an awful lot more reasonable...and no ears would be chewed in the making of that record.

*Our next missionary trip is to Germany on May 29th followed possibly by Scarborough in mid-July, Russia and Bulgaria - details to be confirmed. By the way, guys, now we’ve played Glasgae for ye, can you hurry up and take Gordon Brown back?

May 7. If you’re coming to the Glasgow gig tonight, we’re on stage at about 10pm, but there are three supports so the Ivory Blacks doors probably open at 7pm. If any local flag girls wish to join the fun, they will have to provide their own saltire and haggises. The rebel faction continues to run the Gonads operation, and news of the take-over has yet to filter through to the holidaying Waistrel. Word of the coup has reached the Jolly Pranksters, however. The WM has expressed his official displeasure at the way the “poor and distressed” Beast has been treated by “these pernicious upstarts”, and a formal statement will be issued once he returns from the London Diehards mini-tour (Margate, Amsterdam, Bruges). Old Eric has gone further pledging that the East Sussex brethren will stand firm behind the traditionalists. “We are the Cossacks now,” said El, polishing his 12bore. Brethren in Kent, Warrington, Surrey, South Yorkshire and North Wales have yet to convene. We hear whispers of a plan for the old Gonads line-up to be reassembled for future European gigs if Dale is not restored as manager by June. (The small problem of the Beast not getting on with Backhand Fee Tone, and vice versa, is a obviously a matter for delicate negotiations.) In the meantime, he will come to the Berlin show for what may prove to be a decisive confrontation. To arms, Pranksters. Step off with the left foot.

May 6. As Britain prepares to go to the polls, comrades RD and FB have seized control of this blog page to issue the following insurrectionary statement: “Citizens, we confirm that a new revolutionary leadership has indeed stormed the palace of The Beast and overthrown the old, corrupt and inefficient management class. Under the leadership of RD, this bold band of brothers has restored professionalism and purpose to the mighty Gonads, the once and future leaders of the global Street-Punk scene. Be assured that the New Breed – RD, Nacho Jase, Mick Maverick and FB – stand ready to repulse the Beast’s counter-revolutionary attacks and any attempts to re-impose rank amateurism on this band. Shoulder to shoulder we will carve out a new and glorious future. Long live The Revolution. PS All dissenters will be shot.” New acting Comrade Manager FB then issued the following Mao-like thoughts: 1) Professionalism must be developed in the Gonads, and the route toward such an end is a democratic revolution. It is important to unite with fans and concert goers and educate them on the failings of the Beast. 2) Beastalism and Lord Waistrel’s feudal reactionary views represent real dangers and are in this respect like real tigers. However, because the goal of Gonads Professionalism is just, and reactionary interests are self-centred and unjust, after struggle, they will be revealed to be much less dangerous than they were earlier perceived to be. All reactionaries are paper tigers. 3) Fighting is unpleasant, and the new Gonads would prefer not to do it at all. At the same time, we stand ready to wage a just struggle of self-preservation against reactionary elements, both foreign and domestic. Dare to Struggle, Dare to Win and Dare to Rock.

*Watch out for Garrie Lammin on tomorrow night’s EastEnders, playing a dodgy spark dressed like a tramp. And have a listen at the end of Ashes To Ashes for a nice Cockerney surprise...

*Will the Chords come-back ever happen? We hear that the band is backing out of their planned London gig. They certainly seem adamant that the very tight and hard-hitting Long Tall Shorty should not support them...

May 5th. Dale ‘The Beast’ Beeson sensationally quit as Gonads manager last night, just days after Fat Col was sacked as tour manager. The Beast has stepped down, temporarily at least, as a consequence of the Hotel-Gate row. Gonads insiders suggest that the “palace coup” has been implemented by RD MacGonad, who has installed FB as Dale’s replacement. All this has happened while Gal is tied up trying to finish his Bushell On The Rampage book and Lord Waistrel is tied up in Monte Carlo on a thrashing and bondage break. Beast loyalists, Sid and Doris Riordan, say the move is “an outrageous power grab” and that Dale has merely been made the fall-guy because of problems caused by RD’s lack of sub-titles. One band insider told this news page: “The rebel faction is picking off the old guard one by one. How long will it be before they realise that Gal is now the weakest link and replace him with a front-man with a larger beard who can actually sing in more than one key? Look back next week and Fin from Waysted will be up there as Gal Gonad mark two, ‘Tucker’s Ruckers’ will be out the window and it’ll be all ‘Tattooed Love Girl’ and Buckcherry covers.” Dark days indeed.

May 3. Trouble at t’Gonads. A furious RD MacGonad has accused the Beast of negligence over un-booked hotel rooms for this Friday’s Glasgow gig. The Beast has hit back saying that he thought RD was booking the rooms. This caused a minor Scottish explosion, with an indignant MacGonad asking why the bleeping hell the drummer should be doing the manager’s job and booking ’kin’ hotel rooms. Long story short, rooms that were available six weeks ago at £19 a night are now costing 45 sovs and no-one is happy. Some even say that ‘Hotel-Gate’ may do for band harmony what meeting Gillian Duffy did for Gordon Brown. Any Scottish fan wishing to help out by offering band members a bed for the night should meet the usual vigorous requirements of being female and available...

* News at last on the 30th anniversary Oi album. There’s been a slight delay to the comp but Contra say that they now hope to release it at the beginning of July. The delay has apparently been caused by some of the bands not supplying liner notes, pictures and logos. On the plus side, we should have the CD version of ‘Glorious Bastards’ available by the first week of June.

*BTW, check out the opening credits of this, about 33 seconds in. Gal has looked better: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/b8fa781c42/shotgun-harley-with-jason-jones

May 2. “Never mind the Gold Cup, we’re the f’kin Gonads...” Cheltenham rocked to the new global Gonads last night. The set was ‘Alconaut’, ‘The Growler’, ‘Grant Mitchell’, ‘Oi Mate’, ‘Gob’, ‘Rob A Bank’, ‘England’s Glory’, ‘Yeti’, ‘SE7 Dole Day’, ‘Punk Rock Till I Die’, ‘Hey You’, ‘British Steel’, ‘I Lost My Love To A UK Sub’ and ‘Tucker’s Ruckers’. Encore ‘Grant Mitchell’ again and ‘Valhallaballoo.’ The only odd aspect to the gig was that Sky News and the BBC tried to get in to film on the untrue basis that Gal was planning to turn the gig into an English Democrats rally. We’re not a political band, but if we did want to make a political statement we’d be open and upfront about it. Gal has contested by-elections before (on the surely uncontroversial platform of a parliament for England and an English Bill of Rights) but he is not standing this year. Thanks to Alison for sterling flag girl duties, to RD MacGonad for getting JD on the rider and to the Night Owl for the shots. Onwards to Glasgow!

*Fat Col has quit as Gonads tour manager, after running off with his wife Valerie’s attractive sister Kathleen. What with his recent spell in Belmarsh, the fat fool’s life is turning into an episode of the Jeremy Kyle Show. Col will be replaced by the hyper-efficient FB. Valerie will be comforted by various band members and Charlton Boys who have volunteered to “slip her a length” to tide her over. Fellas, you’re all heart.

*Please note: we do not know when exactly Contra plan to release the 30th anniversary Oi album because they have not deigned to tell us. Poor show. If they don’t reply to our emails PDQ, grouchy Gal may move the whole project elsewhere. As soon as we hear anything about this, or indeed the CD version of ‘Bastards’, we will announce it here. Sort it out Ecke, mate.

May 1st. If you’re coming to tonight’s May Day gig in Cheltenham, we’re on stage about 9.30pm. Have it! And watch this space for news of a Gonads-and-friends live webcast later this year.

*All twelve of the download songs the Bouncing Souls put out for their 20th anniversary last year are now available as a vinyl album called Ghosts On The Boardwalk.

April 30. News from Chelsea Dom, he’s busy finishing off six new Badoes songs which insiders say “piss all over” the Diehards’ set and are therefore certain to add to the WM’s state of perpetual befuddled confusion.

*Single of the week: ‘Sick’ by Ceremony, a 7" colour vinyl from Bridge Nine Records.

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