May 31. The great Gonads auction is going ahead. Gal will attend Sally Farmiloe’s famine relief do and the assembled bods will bid for a chance to book the band for a fund-raising charity event, and to perform with us on stage. The winning bidder will either sing Infected or be flag girl (NB. If she chooses option b, Flag Girl, then the “tits out” rule applies.)
*What do DMG look like? Unflattering but accurate look-alikes
of all four band members and FB now appear on the DMG myspace
* Record news: the Bouncing Souls’ ‘Anchors Aweigh’ album is now available again as an LP and a CD. No Record News: still no sign of the London Diehards’ debut album, which is apparently called ‘Looking For Trouble’ - like two other albums released by the same label (trouble they can do, finishing albums is a little harder). In similar vein, DMG’s debut album may be called Exile On Pain Street, Blonde On Blondes, Are You Sexperienced, or Dark Side Of The Goons.
May 30. Thank you Germany! Danke schön! The Torgau Total Oi festival was a hoot; even if it did end with a wild-eyed R.D. MacGonad decking a punter.... The CHAOS began on Thursday night when the Beastmobile blew up. The DRINKING began at 6.30am on Friday morning. The LAUGHS started when Gal’s bag was searched by customs and his stage dildo was held aloft by a shocked security lady (“I always thought that Garry Bushell was a pervert,” observed a passing pensioner). The FUN climaxed when flag girl Nicole decided the Union Jack should best be displayed while topless. The MADNESS reached a peak when a Spanish skinhead dropped his strides and underwear backstage to show his “respect” for Gal... yes you read that right, he flashed his cheeky little chorizo, not once but several times in “honour” of Mr. Gonad. The honour was then reciprocated by MacGonad and two of the lads from Scottish band Hateful just as Ecke from Contra Records walked in and drew entirely the wrong conclusion about how the Gonads like to party. Gott in Himmel!
It would be wrong to say our rhythm section was blitzed by the
time we went on stage. They were as sober as any judge would be
if said judge had started his day with a few breakfast Stellas
at Stansted airport, then moved on to a Turkish kebab house in
Torgau for some afternoon liveners and continued in earnest back
at the hotel with a session on Meister Jäger’s 70-proof liquorice
restorative (“Good for the voice” – RD) before getting back on
the lagers for a couple of hours pre-show. The festival itself
was fine. Great atmosphere, a good audience, decent people organising
it. It was just a shame about the on-stage sound monitors which
didn’t seem to work at all. The show was delayed for ten minutes
while RD growled at the sound man and denounced the stage manager
as an absent fool. In the second half of the set, however, the
drummer’s anger found a new focus in the shape of a drunken German
skin who, in between singing along to the songs, was calling us
“Schiesser” and allegedly glaring at RD. The first we knew about
the fast developing problem was a friendly exchange of drum-sticks
– two were hurled forcefully at the guy’s head. And when one was
returned it was fired back with a side-order of venom. At the
end of the set, as Gal and Jase debated about whether or not to
defy the stage hands and do the encore the audience was clamouring
for, we noticed that RD was no longer with us. He’d vanished into
the crowd and given the skin a pasting. Some bands might be horrified
by such behaviour. We merely promoted RD to his new role as Gonads
Complaints Department. The Gonads! We’re back and now we’re hard!
Harder than the rest! Who wants it, you Muppets (etc etc).
In the dressing room, RD explained his behaviour to anyone who’d listen, saying “I dinnae give it, but I dinnae take it either” (several hours later, however, the explanation changed to him now saying he’d been provoked by the skin spitting at Gal – although no-one else saw this happen; a cynical Beast connected the change in story to RD’s suggestion that the band should reimburse him for his missing sticks. A scurrilous slur). Even this wasn’t the end, though. The Contra team were filming a documentary of the event, which RD promptly took over, handling all the interviews with natural aplomb (“RD MacGonad, News At Ten, sober.”). We felt it best we left after that. Gal, the Beast and Jase found an open bar, full of friendly bilingual Cock Sparrer fans and drank with them till about 1.45am; Mick and RD stayed on in there until 3.30am... When our driver turned up to take us back to the airport at 5am, MacGonad furiously denounced him as a fucking bastard who’d woke him up an hour earlier then he’d said he would (in reality RD had simply forgotten to adjust his watch to German time). In the subsequent scramble Mick lost his mobile and RD threatened to “come back and take over this country”; both men then passed out on the plane.
So much happened, we haven’t got the time or the energy to detail the many small joys of the trip. Thanks to Hechti, Ecke, Krummel and the Contra crew, especially our driver who may well have been Charlie Harper’s 62-year-old love child. Thanks also to our new friend Katia who joined us for ‘Infected’ and was suitably surprised by the dildo, and the very lovely Nicole whose topless appearance for ‘British Steel’ inspired a standing ovation (even amongst blokes who were sitting down). Good to meet the guys from Denmark’s The Guv’nors and Catalonia’s Secret Army, although we wished our new Spanish pal had kept his privates secret. Cheers to Control and Hateful for the crack. We haven’t even mentioned RD’s 9 volt battery saga, or Mick’s true tales of his time in the Royal Green Jackets, or the fact that the bill for the Beastmobile’s repair is higher than the cost of the car, or the identity of the self-styled table football champion who Gal beat 10 – Nil (although he was a) drunk and b) Scottish). Aye. What a give away! Happy daze!
· MATTERS arising. The Beast has now proposed that in the interests of Professionalism, no more than two pints (of beer) shall be consumed by band members prior to gigs. FB will enforce. Good luck with that. He also announced that all future flag-girls will be required by law to follow Nicole’s example and get them out for the lads. Mick to enforce. Double good luck with that.
· AS well as having his stage dildo examined, Gal also had his
deodorant confiscated. Moaned our leader: “They take our water,
our shaving foam and our deodorant... everything terrorists don’t
use, we can’t have. C***s.” And quoth Paul: “You’re not allowed
deodorants but you could kill the pilot with the cheese-burgers
they sell on board. Gae away and fuck.”
May 28. Our dear old chum Terence Hayes, WM, received a strange
but heart-felt apology from a barking mad US skin-bird fan. The
two-fisted Texan told the London Diehards singer that she was sorry
for contacting him in the first place and explained that it was
a case of mistaken identity. "I mistook you for the Terry who sings
in the East End Badoes," she explained. An easy mistake to make.
Here's how to tell them apart. The Terry who sings with the Diehards
is a disgraceful reprobate with a shockingly poor memory who does
a lot of gigs. The Terry who sings with the Badoes is a disgraceful
reprobate with a shockingly poor memory who doesn't.
* After insisting that the promoter drop Long Tall Shorty from
the Garage, The Chords have now been told that Paul Weller does
not want them to support him at the Isle of Wight. Hmm. Karma?
Or the power of Waistrel? You decide.
May 27. We’d pleased to announce the first London King Hammond
gig in 21 years at The Gaff, Holloway Road, North London on July
30th. His Royal Reggae ’Ighness will be backed by his band, The
Rude Boy Mafia. Expect to hear tracks from King Hammond’s new
album 'The King & I' alongside songs from his 80s output like
'Skaville UK' and 'King Hammond shuffle'. No more than 250 people
will be allowed into the venue, so book early, innit. Support
comes from Swagga & Semi-Skinned. Long Live the King!
May 26. Our gorgeous but entirely bonkers photographer mate
Antonia Moore rings up asking if she can include ‘singing with
the Gonads’ as a prize at a charity do being organised by fragrant
Howard’s Way actress Sally Farmiloe. We thought she meant at one
of our gigs; she actually means on the night at the charity auction.
Are you sure, love? Imagine that. It’s Wednesday night, it’s Kensington,
and here, joining Gal Gonad in a chorus of ‘Fucked If I Do’, straight
from the chauffeur-driven Bentley Azure, is the Right Honourable
Baroness Marigold Biscuit-Barrel the Third. It ain’t gonna happen,
*Good luck to the Rejects who are off to Switzerland tomorrow
on a week-long European tour, including Sunday night in Graz,
Austria - the same town on the same day as the England v Japan
match. What could possibly go wrong?
May 23. Oh bugger. Gal’s podcast will NOT be up and running
any time soon as it seems there was a technical fault in the Total
Rock studio, meaning that all of the chat was recorded and none
of the music. Unfortunately because of our German expedition,
Gal won’t be back in to record it this month, and the whole thing
will have to be re-done in June. Apologies all round. And let
nobody say that the technical fault was anything to do with the
two clowns operating the desk – Mssrs G. Gonad and King Hammond.
*And continuing this run of bad luck, the London Diehards’ album
launch show last night went ahead without any sign of an actual
album. Reports our source “Apparently it’s been delayed again.
They had all the artwork there, plus the covers and the boxes
– everything except the disc.” Throughout the evening, the WM
kept us up-dated on the band’s progress by text. Starting with,
at 5.46pm: “The London Hillbillies are en route. The ‘tour bus’
is a clapped-out, thirty year old VW camper van. We should get
there about midnight. We just had to pull over to let a woman
go past pushing a baby in a pram, we’re going so slow. Style that’s
what I say! The Clampetts look like the Hiltons compared to this
mob.” Tune back tomorrow when Ciaran strikes oil in his pants,
dear old Terence has trouble telling the TV set from the washing
machine, the band appoints yet another new manager (Jed’s racoon-dog,
Duke) and Ellie May finds true love back in the safe manly arms
of the Gonads. All together: “Come listen to the story ’bout
a band half dead, poor skinhead boys trying to struggle out of
bed, then one day Tel was gigging for some food, and up from the
floor came a lunatic from Bruges...”
May 22. The London Diehards launch their new album tonight at
a gig in Bicester – probably. No-one has actually seen a finished
copy yet. And the last “official album launch” (in Bruges) turned
into just another gig. So what’s the album called, we asked the
WM? He replied – and this is verbatim: “I don’t know, bear with
me, I forget, hang on; no, I really don’t know.” Hmm. This sounds
a bit of a mouthful but we’re sure it’ll do well. Maybe next time
they should pick a title more relevant to the look of the band,
for example ‘The Further Adventures of The Clampetts’ starring
Jed, Granny and Jethro. Sadly, their “Elly May”, the ravishing
Charlton Lisa has been sacked as manager, after apparently “transgressing
the unwritten law.” When we asked what exactly she’d done, an
ashen-faced WM revealed that Lisa had been “caught in communication
with Tottenham Sean” – their former, former manager. So it comes
as some surprise then to reveal that on Thursday night in a top-level
meeting at Hill-Billy Central the band negotiated the return,
as manager, of the very same Tottenham Sean. Confused? You are
and we are, but we take comfort in the fact that we will never
be as befuddled as the WM. Pip, pip.
May 21. Gal recorded his latest pod-cast today with special
guest King Hammond, the sovereign of Ska and a prince among men.
Tracks played include new releases from Control, Long Tall Shorty,
The Blades UK, Dreadzone and Ken Dodd’s Dad’s Dog’s Dead. Also
featured: songs from The Snipes, CDCP, Babyhead, Masterswitch,
Swagga, Engrained, Stomper 98, Moscow’s Uchitel Truda, Waysted,
Kingdom of Darkness and of course, King Hammond whose debut album
is available NOW! The pod should be up and running over the weekend.
Babyhead... that sounds like something Emma Bunton’s fella should
get on a daily basis.
*The people behind the excellent Doctor Feelgood documentary
film Oil City Confidential are shooting something similar with
the Cockney Rejects, to be called East End Babylon.
*Here’s a news release from the Blades UK, but don’t think we’re
doing this for everyone: ‘Spirit Of England’ is a charity ep for
the Forces. Singer Jeneira says “We have ex-servicemen living
rough on the streets, and the likes of Johnson Beharry, VC, attempting
suicide. It’s a national disgrace. ‘Spirit Of England’ is a positive
song for the World Cup, which will have the even more positive
side-effect of raising money for Help 4 Heroes. We love our footballers
but let’s not forget that our boys and girls on the frontline;
they are the backbone of the UK.” This is London Streetpunk at
its best. Make a difference - buy this ep.
May 20. Random stuff: our mates Argy-Bargy are busy writing
new songs; they’re going in the studio next month to record ’em
all... The blinding Blades UK are finally up on MySpace,
their debut ‘Spirit of England’ ep is out on Monday week – all
profits go to Help 4 Heroes... King Hammond will be Gal’s next
pod-cast guest; the show should be up and running by the weekend...
Hot Aussie rock n oi band The Corps are looking to play UK dates
May 19. Memo to our Millwall-supporting friends and relatives:
yes we did see the score tonight and we know the score from Monday,
we really don’t need to be reminded. Now piss off, you fluky bastards.
May 18. A historic agreement has been reached between the warring
Gonads factions that will unite us as two compatriot bands and
pave the way for a glorious future. In the spirit of the Cameron-Clegg
pact, there were compromises on both sides but bad feeling has,
for now, been flushed down the khazi of history. Although the
fine print of the peace treaty has yet to be fully ratified, these
following broad areas have been agreed on. To wit: 1) Dale ‘The
Beast’ Beeson remains as Manager of The Gonads, reporting directly
to Lord Waistrel; FB is officially installed as Nads Tour Manager.
2) DMG will launch officially this summer, under the day to day
guidance of FB with The Beast as Associate Manager (Legal). 3)
The Gonads will play a webcast concert with special friends later
this year, and will record our Greater Hits album over the summer,
with Steve Whale as production consultant. Efforts will be made
to ensure that the US dates finally happen. 4) DMG will record
a debut single in June, and will begin work on a “shit-kickin’”
debut album, with Pete Way as production consultant. Tour dates
will follow. On hearing the news, Scrotum, Waistrel’s wrinkly
retainer, was over-come with emotion. “It’s peace in our time
hall over again,” he sobbed. And we all know what happened the
last time someone said that...
May 17. Maninblack's lead vocalist André Schlesinger has terminated
his bass player and drummer’s band memberships. Or as the New
York Post might have put it: André Swings Axe, Bass & Drums Get
Sack. While this might seem a rash move, particularly after Maninblack's
ground-breaking performance at the Double Down Saloon in NYC a
fortnight ago, and their recent deal with Contra Records, André
sites a “bizarre lack of enthusiasm” and effort on the part of
the other members as the reason for the ruthless move. André will
keep Maninblack going, and is searching for a new bassist and
drummer. Band manager Garry Bushell tells us: “Maninblack are
poised to electrify the European Punk and Oi scenes with their
urgent mix of tunes, aggression and attitude. This ride isn't
going to stop!” For more information on Maninblack's requirements
see their ‘musicians wanted’ page at http://www.maninblack.org.
(Our favourite ever NYP headline: ‘Headless Body In Topless Bar.’)
PS. If lack of effort and enthusiasm were universal reasons to
sack band members, how long ago would the WM have got the tintack
from the Badoes?
May 16. Angry Rejects fans are protesting to Sky Sports over
the way the band were treated last night. The lads did play the
ill-fated Kevin “The Hammer” Mitchell into the ring but they had
no monitors and could not hear a thing. Sky had wanted them to
perform entirely to a backing track, but Jeff insisted on singing
live. Sky technicians then edited the song, ludicrously cutting
out half of the first verse of ‘Bubbles’. Even more ludicrously,
they hadn’t let the band rehearse or even let them hear the edited
track – they just had to guess where they were in the song. Chaos
ensued. But Jeff did well in the circumstances and on the plus
side, they are now officially the first rock band to play Upton
Park... and they did get to the end. Unlike Kev.
*We have added Oi-The Page to this
website. Send us your gig and album news and we’ll stick it up
for you. The Gonads: keeping the scene alive. And the obscene
May 15. Don’t forget the Cockney Rejects play Kevin Mitchell
into the ring at West Ham tonight – and it’s all live on Sky Sports
1. (Live Big Fight Special)
*ODD. Wattsie Watts reports that England goalkeeper David James
just challenged Gal to try being a goalie – this was shown several
times on BBC Breakfast, she says. Fit Bird tells us that Gal is
now officially in training and is swapping Stella for Bombardier
bitter to get match fit. He’s also promising to record a pod-cast
next week which will feature the best new In-ger-land anthems.
Rhoda Dakar and Wattsie are likely to be his studio guests.
*Random stuff: We’re in talks with a Russian promoter about a
possible Moscow gig... more news as it happens. Tony Rettman's
new book ‘Why Be Something That You're Not: Detroit Hardcore 1979-1985’
is published on July 1st. Italian hardcore nutters Anti You have
just released their debut album, ‘Two-Bit Schemes And Cold War
Dreams’ – very 80s, very weighty.
May 14. A small set-back in negotiations for the Gonads movie.
Eric Rowan, exec producer of the Rolling Stones film Stoned, had
expressed a strong interest in Curry On Up The Gonads and meetings
were held in Soho and the Tower Hotel. Glaswegian Eric assured
us that the finances would shortly be in place. The script has
been written – by comedian Mick Pugh – and a cast including Billy
Murray, Vikki Thomas, André Schlesinger and David Courtney were
on stand-by. This week however there was a minor complication
when we learnt that the seemingly charming Mr. Rowan has been
sentenced to four years for fraud. Further investigations reveal
that he has notched up a string of court appearances starting
in 1983, when he was jailed for five years at the Airdrie High
Court for defrauding the Royal Bank of Scotland and American Express
out of £120,000. In between writing books about Man United and
a film script for Mohammed Al-Fayed, Mr Wrong’un faced several
more fraud charges – usually involving luxury cars - and had been
branded a “notorious car bandit” (not to be confused with Effete
El, a notorious bum bandit). It seems that only the decrepit nature
of the Beastmobile saved us from losing more than a few pints
and some porky scratchings. The Gonads movie is now on hold, and
the all-star cast has been stood down. On the plus side, this
unhappy affair will no doubt inspire a new song or two, if not
an entire con-man concept album.
May 13. Happy birthday to Gal! Some kind of report may follow,
*Stop Press: Dutch Oi band Evil Conduct confirmed to play at
Frankie Flame’s Yob-Stock (BH2, July 17). Please note: Yob-Stock
is an entirely original idea from Superyob, and not at all a shameless
scaled-down rip-off of Madstock or Woodstock. The London Diehards
are also on the bill, for a change.
*So many people try and plant lies and propaganda on this blog
that we feel the need to qualify this announcement, but leaked
intelligence from a good source suggests that new East End Badoes
songs allegedly include: ‘Crazy Bitch (Benelux Mix)’, ‘I Feel
Thor’ (apparently a piss-take of gay Nazis), and ‘Fade To Hayes’
(about memory loss). And if they don’t record them, we certainly
May 12. The Cockney Rejects will play Kevin ‘The Hammer’ Mitchell
into the ring on Saturday. They’ll be the first band ever to play
Upton Park – and it’ll be shown live on Sky Sports. Kev is un-beaten
after 31 professional fights so as Jeff says, let’s hope the Curse
of the Rejects doesn’t nobble him. Tony Van Frater excelled himself
when the gig was confirmed; he rang to ask whether the boys will
actually be playing in the ring itself. Yes, you doughnut, because
Frank Warren’s people will happily stand around waiting while
you de-rig afterwards... Maybe Kev and Katsidis will help you
shift the amps and the drums too... We love Tone like a brother,
but there are times you think he’d struggle to spell Oxo backwards.
*An outraged reader tells us that the Misogynes were not “shit”
on Saturday night but rather “shit hot.” Our apologies for printing
this misinformation and thanks for the correction to the sexy
and entirely impartial Vanessa from the Misogynes.
*Feedback news: Tone is playing guitar with Arsenal’s own the
Riders of the Night for one gig next month in Camden. All of their
songs take the piss out of Tottenham, but luckily Spurs-mad Scoops
won’t ever know as there’s no guest list and he’d never pay to
get in. Hey Andy, what is it that makes the legs of female Spurs
fans look so good? That’s right; tight genes...
May 11. More revelations from the weekend’s London Diehards
gig at the Moloko Bar in Bruges. Belgium oi fans are complaining
forcefully about the shambolic French support band, variously
described as “an unrehearsed mess” and “utter shite.” So why were
they on the bill? Apparently on the personal recommendation of
the WM himself... Another of Tel’s mates, an Australian skinhead
bird, was already banned from the club but turned up defiantly
saying “I’m with the WM”. When the owner tried to evict her, she
wrapped a beer bottle round his head. All together: “South-south
Aussie aggro girls, finest fighting women in the world...”
*Meanwhile in the real world, groups of exhausted men are meeting
in secret locations in behind-the-scenes discussions about the
future, with everybody tearing up their manifesto promises...
but enough about the Gonads management struggle, what we want
to know is how come Gordon Brown’s still here? (Please note: there
will be nothing more said about the ongoing power struggle between
RD and The Beast on this blog until there is something proper
to report – by order of Lord Waistrel’s enforcer, the Bishop of
Soho.) Preparations are underway for the German gig and we plan
to add ‘Franken-Skin’ to the set. If you would like to be our
flag-girl in Torgau please email email@example.com.
(Wenn Sie die Markierungsfahne in Torgau tragen möchten, mailen
Sie bitte Waistrel)
*Records of the week – the new album from Angel City Outcasts,
called Angel City Outcasts on the Sailor’s Grave label; it’s “where
punk meets hardcore, hard rock and rockabilly and kicks off in
an orgy of streetpunk rock’n’roll” according to Sandy Lane. Also
just out, the ‘Doing The Business’ ep from the Business: four
new studio songs plus six live bonus tracks, mostly from 1982.
10th May. Good news, Gal has finally finished his Bushell On
The Rampage book which will be published in September. The mirth-packed
memoirs include sections on the Upstarts, the Rejects, the Mo-Dettes,
Ozzy, ZZ Top, UFO and the Blood, as well as true tales from Fleet
Street, Charlton and the wilder shores of the political fringe.
*Thanks for all the positive feedback from the Glasgow gig.
We loved every minute, even if Gal’s ankles seem to have been
ravished by some deadly breed of Scottish termites. Leah tells
us he has “spots the size of fifty pence pieces” on his legs,
and on hearing that money might be involved RD immediately demanded
98per cent of them. Although all is healthy on the Gonads surface,
behind the scenes the various factions are battling Nick Clegg-stylee
to form a coalition with Gal. Waistrel and the Beast have set
up an axis of evil and are actively seeking to rally others behind
their reactionary banner, including Wattsie Watts, Charlton Tel,
Big Jim, Steve Whale, Scoops, Gentleman John, Tony Feedback and
the ultra-loyal Charlton Boys. Bit by bit the whispering rebels
are demolishing RD’s case. The “money-‘ungry, pahwer-mad Scottish
Comrade can’t be trusted”, cautions Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkled
retainer. “Why should the band be paying for ’is effin’ drum maintenance,
’is effin’ grub and ’is effin’ roadie? Where does this misplaced
sense of entitlement come from? Remember that ’e wiped ’is bloomin’
’ooter on our flag? The Jock’s a wrong’un, and no mistake.” The
Beast points out that RD was incensed when he took an equal share
of the band gig money, but then proceeded to give acting Comrade
Manager FB exactly that after Glasgow. Waistrel has even been
on to Gal suggesting that if anyone should have the lion’s share
of the cash it is the singer “who has led the band for 33 years,
written or co-written all the songs, and set up all of the decent-paying
gigs.” His Lordship went on: “You are the star, you are who the
populace come to see. Stick with us and you will have your own
separate dressing room, security personnel, Krystal on the rider
and a personal Japanese massage geisha girl. You know it makes
sense. Don’t let this Johnny-come-lately steal everything we’ve
worked for from under our noses.” For his part, Gal is said to
be hacked off with the squabbling. Fit Bird tells us: “He loves
the new band, but can’t be arsed with all the moaning and back-stabbing.
Don’t be too surprised if after Germany he puts the Gonads on
hold and concentrates on his solo album instead.”
* Word is filtering back from the Diehards mini-tour. Our source
says that the WM was on “top form and I've never seen him as drunk
as he was on Friday night. Tel came back from the venue by cab
and when asked by the driver where he wanted to go, Tel just kept
on giggling. It was like a day trip for the elderly and infirm.
Tel's navigation skills were legendary - every time we asked him
where we had to go on the map he was fast asleep in the front
seat. It must be his age.” The WM was also caught in the middle
of the night “praying to Say-Tan and asking for an extra deep
tan this coming summer. It was only interrupted by an emergency
delivery of moisturising cream which he duly slapped on like a
plasterer working two jobs.” Believe it or not, in Belgium he
is known as “Terry Bushell” and after every song the Diehards
played the crowd were singing "Oh...Terry Bushell - he sold his
soul to The Sun". Ciaran did point out that he had actually sold
his soul to the sun-bed but it didn’t appear to register with
them. Even funnier, the Belgians chose the intro – ‘What’s It
Like To Be Old’ by Cocksparrer. Tel was most perturbed and blamed
it on the fact that Steve the bass player looks like a cross between
Uncle Albert and Max Wall.
May 8. Glasgow was a hoot! Big thanks to Kelvin, Tony Barker
and the lads, Shug O’Neill and everyone else who succumbed to
the Gonads madness. As Gal said: “Scotland the brave? You must
be if you’ve come along to hear our shit.” Thanks too to the canny
Scots who requested ‘England’s Glory’ and to flag girl Allyson,
who ticked off Gal for spelling her name wrong. No, he replied,
your Mum spelt your name wrong...Fellas, we will be back. Off-stage
RD and Comrade Manager FB (the Fidel and Che of Oi) continued
their forced march towards Professionalism with such exotic delights
as a fitted settee in the official Nads tour bus, a communal pre-gig
ruby and a vigorously enforced party-all-night, no-kip Buckfast-boozeathon.
(FB has issued instructions for Comrade Runner to approach the
Buckfast monks for some kind of official sponsorship deal with
the health-giving fortified tonic wine.) In a moment of apparent
weakness, or a Stella-induced trance, RD even suggested bringing
back the Beast in a kind of power-share coalition. Turns out he
was thinking of the kind of coalition a drunken Welsh farmer might
enjoy with a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Neither Waistrel
nor The Beast has much time for democracy, however, and so the
choice facing Team Gonad is clear: will we go for an iron-fisted
dictatorship of the rocken’proletariat or the devil-may-care shambles
that has served us well for 33 glorious if strangely empty years?
On one hand we have never sounded better, played tighter or hit
with such awesome clout. On the other hand there are already disturbing
signs of power going to RD’s head. Earlier in the evening he was
busy working out how Gal might care to split the advance that
he has negotiated for the next album. This seemed to involve 98per
cent of the budget going on RD’s food and drinks bill, and “drum
kit maintenance.” Steve Whale + Gal + drum machine sounds an awful
lot more reasonable...and no ears would be chewed in the making
of that record.
*Our next missionary trip is to Germany on May 29th followed
possibly by Scarborough in mid-July, Russia and Bulgaria - details
to be confirmed. By the way, guys, now we’ve played Glasgae for
ye, can you hurry up and take Gordon Brown back?
May 7. If you’re coming to the Glasgow gig tonight, we’re on
stage at about 10pm, but there are three supports so the Ivory
Blacks doors probably open at 7pm. If any local flag girls wish
to join the fun, they will have to provide their own saltire and
haggises. The rebel faction continues to run the Gonads operation,
and news of the take-over has yet to filter through to the holidaying
Waistrel. Word of the coup has reached the Jolly Pranksters, however.
The WM has expressed his official displeasure at the way the “poor
and distressed” Beast has been treated by “these pernicious upstarts”,
and a formal statement will be issued once he returns from the
London Diehards mini-tour (Margate, Amsterdam, Bruges). Old Eric
has gone further pledging that the East Sussex brethren will stand
firm behind the traditionalists. “We are the Cossacks now,” said
El, polishing his 12bore. Brethren in Kent, Warrington, Surrey,
South Yorkshire and North Wales have yet to convene. We hear whispers
of a plan for the old Gonads line-up to be reassembled for future
European gigs if Dale is not restored as manager by June. (The
small problem of the Beast not getting on with Backhand Fee Tone,
and vice versa, is a obviously a matter for delicate negotiations.)
In the meantime, he will come to the Berlin show for what may
prove to be a decisive confrontation. To arms, Pranksters. Step
off with the left foot.
May 6. As Britain prepares to go to the polls, comrades RD and
FB have seized control of this blog page to issue the following
insurrectionary statement: “Citizens, we confirm that a new revolutionary
leadership has indeed stormed the palace of The Beast and overthrown
the old, corrupt and inefficient management class. Under the leadership
of RD, this bold band of brothers has restored professionalism
and purpose to the mighty Gonads, the once and future leaders
of the global Street-Punk scene. Be assured that the New Breed
– RD, Nacho Jase, Mick Maverick and FB – stand ready to repulse
the Beast’s counter-revolutionary attacks and any attempts to
re-impose rank amateurism on this band. Shoulder to shoulder we
will carve out a new and glorious future. Long live The Revolution.
PS All dissenters will be shot.” New acting Comrade Manager FB
then issued the following Mao-like thoughts: 1) Professionalism
must be developed in the Gonads, and the route toward such an
end is a democratic revolution. It is important to unite with
fans and concert goers and educate them on the failings of the
Beast. 2) Beastalism and Lord Waistrel’s feudal reactionary views
represent real dangers and are in this respect like real tigers.
However, because the goal of Gonads Professionalism is just, and
reactionary interests are self-centred and unjust, after struggle,
they will be revealed to be much less dangerous than they were
earlier perceived to be. All reactionaries are paper tigers. 3)
Fighting is unpleasant, and the new Gonads would prefer not to
do it at all. At the same time, we stand ready to wage a just
struggle of self-preservation against reactionary elements, both
foreign and domestic. Dare to Struggle, Dare to Win and Dare to
*Watch out for Garrie Lammin on tomorrow night’s EastEnders,
playing a dodgy spark dressed like a tramp. And have a listen
at the end of Ashes To Ashes for a nice Cockerney surprise...
*Will the Chords come-back ever happen? We hear that the band
is backing out of their planned London gig. They certainly seem
adamant that the very tight and hard-hitting Long Tall Shorty
should not support them...
May 5th. Dale ‘The Beast’ Beeson sensationally quit as Gonads
manager last night, just days after Fat Col was sacked as tour
manager. The Beast has stepped down, temporarily at least, as
a consequence of the Hotel-Gate row. Gonads insiders suggest that
the “palace coup” has been implemented by RD MacGonad, who has
installed FB as Dale’s replacement. All this has happened while
Gal is tied up trying to finish his Bushell On The Rampage book
and Lord Waistrel is tied up in Monte Carlo on a thrashing and
bondage break. Beast loyalists, Sid and Doris Riordan, say the
move is “an outrageous power grab” and that Dale has merely been
made the fall-guy because of problems caused by RD’s lack of sub-titles.
One band insider told this news page: “The rebel faction is picking
off the old guard one by one. How long will it be before they
realise that Gal is now the weakest link and replace him with
a front-man with a larger beard who can actually sing in more
than one key? Look back next week and Fin from Waysted will be
up there as Gal Gonad mark two, ‘Tucker’s Ruckers’ will be out
the window and it’ll be all ‘Tattooed Love Girl’ and Buckcherry
covers.” Dark days indeed.
May 3. Trouble at t’Gonads. A furious RD MacGonad has accused
the Beast of negligence over un-booked hotel rooms for this Friday’s
Glasgow gig. The Beast has hit back saying that he thought RD
was booking the rooms. This caused a minor Scottish explosion,
with an indignant MacGonad asking why the bleeping hell the drummer
should be doing the manager’s job and booking ’kin’ hotel rooms.
Long story short, rooms that were available six weeks ago at £19
a night are now costing 45 sovs and no-one is happy. Some even
say that ‘Hotel-Gate’ may do for band harmony what meeting Gillian
Duffy did for Gordon Brown. Any Scottish fan wishing to help out
by offering band members a bed for the night should meet the usual
vigorous requirements of being female and available...
* News at last on the 30th anniversary Oi album. There’s been
a slight delay to the comp but Contra say that they now hope to
release it at the beginning of July. The delay has apparently
been caused by some of the bands not supplying liner notes, pictures
and logos. On the plus side, we should have the CD version of
‘Glorious Bastards’ available by the first week of June.
*BTW, check out the opening credits of this, about 33 seconds
in. Gal has looked better: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/b8fa781c42/shotgun-harley-with-jason-jones
May 2. “Never mind the Gold Cup, we’re the f’kin Gonads...”
Cheltenham rocked to the new global Gonads last night. The set
was ‘Alconaut’, ‘The Growler’, ‘Grant Mitchell’, ‘Oi Mate’, ‘Gob’,
‘Rob A Bank’, ‘England’s Glory’, ‘Yeti’, ‘SE7 Dole Day’, ‘Punk
Rock Till I Die’, ‘Hey You’, ‘British Steel’, ‘I Lost My Love
To A UK Sub’ and ‘Tucker’s Ruckers’. Encore ‘Grant Mitchell’ again
and ‘Valhallaballoo.’ The only odd aspect to the gig was that
Sky News and the BBC tried to get in to film on the untrue basis
that Gal was planning to turn the gig into an English Democrats
rally. We’re not a political band, but if we did want to make
a political statement we’d be open and upfront about it. Gal has
contested by-elections before (on the surely uncontroversial platform
of a parliament for England and an English Bill of Rights) but
he is not standing this year. Thanks to Alison for sterling flag
girl duties, to RD MacGonad for getting JD on the rider and to
the Night Owl for the shots. Onwards to Glasgow!
*Fat Col has quit as Gonads tour manager, after running off with
his wife Valerie’s attractive sister Kathleen. What with his recent
spell in Belmarsh, the fat fool’s life is turning into an episode
of the Jeremy Kyle Show. Col will be replaced by the hyper-efficient
FB. Valerie will be comforted by various band members and Charlton
Boys who have volunteered to “slip her a length” to tide her over.
Fellas, you’re all heart.
*Please note: we do not know when exactly Contra plan to release
the 30th anniversary Oi album because they have not deigned to
tell us. Poor show. If they don’t reply to our emails PDQ, grouchy
Gal may move the whole project elsewhere. As soon as we hear anything
about this, or indeed the CD version of ‘Bastards’, we will announce
it here. Sort it out Ecke, mate.
May 1st. If you’re coming to tonight’s May Day gig in Cheltenham,
we’re on stage about 9.30pm. Have it! And watch this space for
news of a Gonads-and-friends live webcast later this year.
*All twelve of the download songs the Bouncing Souls put out
for their 20th anniversary last year are now available as a vinyl
album called Ghosts On The Boardwalk.
April 30. News from Chelsea Dom, he’s busy finishing off six
new Badoes songs which insiders say “piss all over” the Diehards’
set and are therefore certain to add to the WM’s state of perpetual
*Single of the week: ‘Sick’ by Ceremony, a 7" colour vinyl from
Bridge Nine Records.