March 29. Lord Waistrel arrived back in the UK unexpectedly yesterday and reported that he will be Guest of Honour at the Jolly Pranksters' Easter Weekender, which will be held – brethren please note – at That Essex Place. Waistrel tells us that he wants the three-day event to be "covered in full" on this blog which he lambasted as "far too sensible of late". He will be guarded throughout his brief stay in the country by "a phalanx of my young tigers" – the newly revived Tucker's Ruckers corps of fighting and drinking men. A clearly wasted Waistrel spoke at length about how membership of the Ruckers used to be limited to loyal Charlton bods drawn from a strictly defined area of south east London adding that he has now relaxed the rules to allow the formation of units comprised solely of foreign volunteers and even people from north of the river. He slurs "In time to come the Ruckers shall not, as many predict, be merged with the regular army but shall remain our independent armed wing until after the war whereupon they shall function as an elite police force. Or was that the Waffen-SS? Jivell! My pills and monocle. Thirty English guineas for a blow-job, what?"
March 28. Gal's latest new music podcast is up and running here with special guests Alan McGee and an unplugged Alias Kid. There are plenty of tasty tunes on the show but listen out for the Amphetameanies from Glasgow and Dundee's The Cundeez, both of whom are described by a feverish Fat Col as "a bit of me." God help them.
Random news: Violent Reaction's new album Marching On is released on CD and vinyl next Tuesday; the whole platter is being streamed here... Gen X fans should know that Derwood's new solo album is out damn soon with gigs in the UK and Ireland stretching from May to the end of June... Sonic Youth's original bassist Kim Jordon has published her memoirs Girl In A Band which celebrates the New York scene of the 80s and recalls the birth of her influential outfit... closer to home, Primal Scream's John 'The Joogs' Martin is writing up his memories of the band's early days... We have no memories of our early days because we were permanently pickled, but that's what comes of hanging about with Yootha Joyce...
Never mind a song for Europe, here's a song for Wattsie: "Who were you with tonight, out in the pale moonlight (at a Brentwood comedy club), it wasn't your sister, it wasn't our John, oi-oi-oi, there's a song coming on..."
March 26. A furious Stief A Billy contacts us via a homing pigeon from Gateshead (officially Up North) to report that he has been stripped of his Facebook status and could we therefore plug his forthcoming gigs on this illustrious blog. Yes, we say, but what measures have you taken to restore your page? Have you contacted FB? He has. Stief has sent the social media site a message roundly condemning them as fascists and Nazis "persicuting" him for insisting he use his real name ("Real names? The very idea" – Fat Col). His email continues, with more fucks than a Chubby Brown stage show, accusing Facebook of being a "bullshit bullyboy dictatorship" and "sackless imbiciles". Diplomacy is not Sief's strong point. Nor is spelling. Have they replied? What do you think... Anyway, here on the left are the two gigs he's pushing...
March 25. Another long distance reverse-charges phone call from a worst-for-wear Waistrel to "clarify" the Tucker's Ruckers situation. His Lordship tells us that the Ruckers require members to pass a vigorous and gruelling admission course. "Our Red Army cannot afford to accept candidates whose fitness, mental aptitude or fighting skills are in any doubt," he says fiercely. Apparently would-be Ruckers will be "kidnapped from their beds" and "dumped in the wilderness, or St Mary's Cray as it sometimes known."
He
goes on: "They will have no map, no water and no food and will be told to
get back to Nads HQ within 24 hours. Then comes the escape and evade part,
as they must avoid being captured by 100 infantrymen with tracker dogs... no,
ah, hold on, isn't that the SAS? I'll get back to you! Jivell, plenty
cocaine needed here. On the double, who dares gins, what? Hic. Burp." Click.
Brrrr.
Meanwhile on 17th April, this (see poster on the right) is happening... welcome to the not-so-new punk...
Sean O'Donnell of Alias Kid is still recovering from Monday's podcast shenanigans. He reports that "Listening to McGee and Gonad talk about music and stories was pure class. Proper music men, proper rock n rollers. I absolutely love being on Creation... afterwards we fucked it up by hitting Soho with the plugger. Did about a grand of their money and still managed to blow every penny we had. Apparently my card got declined trying to buy a blow-up doll for a homeless bloke... two hours sleep and back in work. I'm gonna pay for this tonight..." Welcome to our world, son.
March 24. Here's Gal with Maz and Sean from Alias Kid and Alan McGee of Creation Records fame. All feature on his latest The Hungry & The Hunted new music podcast along with tasty tracks from Ming City Rockers, the Cundeez, the Amphetameanies, Bumbu Sauce, The Crunch, 1Eye, Shotgun House, Knock Off and more. The lively show should be posted by Saturday night.
In other news, Lord Waistrel has decreed that Tucker's Ruckers are back in business and are recruiting "like billy-o". Like Trigger's broom on Fools & Horses, the fearsome ruckers have had seventeen new heads and forty-two new "enforcers" over the last 37 years. How can they be the real Ruckers, then, ask cynics? "Because that is what they are called," sniffs Waistrel. "No-one said the Coldstream Guards had to change their name after George Monck – my beloved ancestor, the first duke of Albemarle – popped his clogs in 1666, what?" The new Ruckers, like the old mob, are said to be "fiercely loyal" to the Gonads and Charlton Athletic. In a rare transcontinental phone call, his Lordship tells us: "Our bold 'red army' are bonded together by a code of honour. Their primary activities are protection racketeering, drug-trafficking, loan sharking and fraud. They are protected by a code of silence, or 'omerta'... oh hang on, wasn't that the Mafia? I'll get back to you. More champagne top here, jivell!" (Sound of phone being abruptly hung up. Click. Brrrr.)
March 23. Here it is, the debut single from the Bar Stool Preachers – One Fool Down b/w Own Worst Enemy on 7-inch single available here - a bloody great song it is too.
And if that's one exciting face of new punk, here's another... this mystery youth (below) is the poster boy for our mates the East End Badoes, who by some terrible error of judgement are supporting the Cockney Rejects at the 100 Club on 17th April. At 67, he is thought to be one of band's youngest and more virile supporters.
Rumours that Tel and the chaps (band slogan 'Young at heart and weak in the head') have been booked to play a Saga cruise cannot be confirmed or denied. More hot news on the Old Age Badoes, available from the Poplar Seniors Club.
March 22. We're putting the official album launch party for Greater Hits Volume 3 back until after Gal's birthday bash as a precaution; both events will be invite only, and the former could be controversial. (Waistrel has sensibly delegated the album knees-up to Miss Management and Paul SkaNad to side-step the inevitable fall-out, with judicious use of sticks, carrots and some unsavoury Polaroids involving a dog collar and a lead). Gal celebrates his ahem "fifty-tenth" birthday in May. This means that our Son Of FrankenSkin ep will probably not see the light of day until August.
Quick reminder: the new Joe Strummer movie, I Need A Dodge, premiers at Koko in Camden on Wednesday 25th. Mick Geggus's other band The Crunch are playing before the screening with Jeff Turner joining the all-star line-up performing Clash and Strummer songs afterwards. Should be a cracker.
StreetSounds are launching their own record label. The mag, dedicated to working class culture the world over, is looking to release two compilations later this year, one will be streetpunk, in tandem with Oi The Boat records, the second will be devoted to modern Ska and what they term "Trojan style upbeat reggae" which will be on the Street Sounds label. "It's Tighten Up for the modern era," an exuberant Toes tells us. "Lively and a bit saucy." Great, but will Rhoda Dakar approve?
VINYL news: For the first time on vinyl: US Drunk & Roll band Murderers' Row album, A Threat To Sobreity, now available as a limited 300 hand-numbered run... also out on vinyl, Blink-182's first album Buddha (Kung Fu Records) and the Circle Jerks' Group Sex LP (New Frontier).
March 21. Sorry to hear of the passing of Twisted Sister drummer AJ Pero who has died aged just 55 apparently from a heart attack. Anthony Jude Pero, originally from Staten Island, New York played on the first four Twisted Sister albums, leaving the self-proclaimed "Sick Motherfuckers" in 1986. Dee Snider says: "His sledgehammer assault on the drums helped drive Twisted Sister and I to greatness, and inspired me to rock every single show. My heart breaks knowing I will never feel the power of his beat behind me, or turn to see his face smiling broadly from the sheer joy he got from doing what he loved." AJ died in Poughkeepsie, New York state, while touring with his other band, Adrenalin Mob. The band posted this message today: 'The members of Twisted Sister are profoundly saddened to announce the untimely passing of our brother, AJ Pero. The band, crew and most importantly the family of AJ Pero thank you for your thoughts and prayers at this time.'
March 20. Lord Waistrel has relocated all of his business interests to the Virgin Islands. This is said to have "absolutely no relation" to the recent Blurred Lines copyright controversy but an ashen-faced Scrotum (Waistrel's wrinkled retainer) tells us: "No-one his to play the Gonads' hentirely original number Love Is A Lie and David Bowie's Heroes in the same room by horder hof his Lordship."
Whispers: Blur play a not-too-secret gig tonight at West London club Mode... Jennie Bellestar's new album is out this Summer... the VIPs (actually the Urban Rail Punks and Louise Distras) have recorded a modern version of the TRB anthem Glad To Be Gay, so are they out too?... Peter Hook is backing a plan to turn Ian Curtis's old home into a museum... Bad Religion are currently working on a new album... the new UK Subs album Yellow Leader is out now on Captain Oi, a passing music critic sniffs "the packaging is nice".
March 18. Extraordinary scenes at band rehearsal last night as Wattsie Watts was finally reunited with our stolen stage prop. Her initial disgust rapidly turned to deep joy as the saucy minx realised she can now turn the tarnished "throbber" on her enemies. Or to put it another way, brace yerself Gannon!
There was also a kerfuffle outside the studio when two sneaky cops pulled Phil Badoe over for an 11.15pm St Paddy's Day breathalyser. Being a Gonad, Phil's considerable lager intake barely registered on their puny device and he was sent on his way with a begrudged apology... but if they'd pulled up Gentleman John in the car behind... .D'oh!
The rehearsal itself "was cooking like Masterchef" according to demon drummer Paul SkaNad. We won't give too much away about our Rebellion set but let's just say that if you were a fan of the Nads early 80s output you won't be going home disappointed...
March 17. Big news from little Charlton: the Gonad security team, led by Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) this morning recovered the stolen stage cock from an address in Plumstead. The much-loved prop had apparently been "borrowed" by the Yeti, who, scurrilous sources tell us, had "hidden it inside her person" and "forgotten it was there." Apologies for the damage to the front door, Yets – not a euphemism; Sporrell's "team" smashed it right off its hinges and ripped her hall carpet causing at least £30's worth of improvements. An unrepentant Yeti tells us: "Why get so het up about such a little thing?"
Happy St. Patricks Day to all our Irish mates around the world. Just don't give us any grief when we celebrate on 23rd April, you hear?
March 14. Panic over! Waistrel lives! His Lordship resurfaced last night, with a peculiar Italian twinge to his voice, after hearing rumours of his demise on the BBC World Service. The "corpse" discovered in the Atlantic Ocean turned out to be a dead manatee. The ancient, wizened and heavily overweight creature had a snub nose, whiskers and a massive girth, and the manatee wasn't much different. An easy mistake-a to make-a.
Some news: Agnostic Front's latest album The American Dream Died is released on 4th April on Nuclear Blast; meanwhile their live LP Last Warning has been reissued on vinyl by Strength, with the United Blood ep tracks as a bonus... Black Grape are headlining a fundraiser for Bez's Reality Party in Manchester next month with support including the Backhanders and poet J.B. Barrington... The latest issue of Napalm Reborn has a Grant Fleming exclusive, an Orgasm Guerrillas retrospective and an art and comics pull-out featuring unseen illustrations by StreetSounds cartoonist GeeGee, Col and Bej... finally if you didn't see Sham at 100 Club last month, here's the sort of thing you missed.
March 12. STOP PRESS. Can the shock news be true? Word has reached us, or rather, let us pray, malign gossip has reached us that Lord Waistrel passed away yesterday. Various internet “bloggers” report that his Lordship’s naked body was found floating in the ocean some fifteen miles east of Atlantic City, New Jersey earlier this morning. The last confirmed sighting of “the great architect” was on the bridge of his luxury yacht, the Derek Hales, in the early hours of Wednesday. His scurvy crew have had no access to his below deck “jungle room” ever since. We trust that you will all join us in hoping that these reports are without substance, for the world will be a sadder place without the man the Financial Times has dubbed “Britain’s most flamboyant media tycoon and bounder”. Besides why would His Lordship top himself? An ashen-faced Fat Col tells us that “professional liars” have spread whispers that Waistrel’s empire is on the brink of collapse and that he had “used millions of pounds from his companies’ pension funds” to finance his corporate debt, his frantic takeovers, various Gonads albums and his lavish lifestyle. However a source close to his Lordship whispers that Waistrel recently bought a small submarine and may have “taken off to the Caribbean with a small but perfectly formed neurologist from Sardinia.” More news when we have it. In the meantime, a distraught nation prepares to mourn...
March 11. Confirmation that we will play our first ever acoustic set at Rebellion has sent the Gonads into disarray, a passing psychiatrist notes. We hear that Wattsie Watts is “worried” about performing ‘Buy Me A Drink You Bastards’ without a safety net, that Gal doesn’t want to do ‘Dying For A Pint’ (“too many effing words!”) and that Phil Badoes has never heard ‘Getting Pissed’, which should make the show all the more exciting. That said, we can confirm that the set will almost certainly include ‘Badly Done’, ‘Yeti’ and brand new reggae gem ‘What’s Happening Now’.
Noel Gallagher will play a secret gig in South East London on 27th March, but we would like to state categorically that we won’t be supporting him. Band spokesman Fat Col says: “Noel did ask, but we can’t do that date as Wattsie is washing her hair.” Fair enough.
March 10. Street Sounds is pushing ahead with plans for a short story collection which will be published before Christmas and will feature bite-sized tales by Pete ‘Manic Esso’ Haynes, Gal, Rhoda Dakar, possibly Garry Johnson, and possibly Superyob cartoonist Colin Edmonds (whose steampunk novel, Steam Smoke & Mirrors is published this month by Caffeine Nights). The stories will be dark and humorous, we’re told. If you want your own short story considered for the compendium email it to stuff@streetsoundsonline.co.uk. A Street Sounds Ska comp and a streetpunk one are also in the pipeline.
March 9. Some actual news... we’ll be playing Rebellion on the Saturday 8th August and returning on the Sunday for our first ever live acoustic set. Exciting!
More hot guff: GBH, Bad Manners, The Rezillos, The Business and Conflict are among the UK bands brightening up Punk Rock Bowling in May (23rd to 25th). The three-day fest also features Icons Of Filth, the English Beat, the Street Dogs, the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Sick Of It All, Frank Turner and many more. Details and tickets here:
Militants representing both wings of the Curry Club are planning to march “on Downing Street and beyond” later this year, it was revealed last night as One-Ton Tony Madras of the BME publicly backed Fat Col’s stirring anti-EU stance. Brother Tony, of West Drayton, thanked Bro. Gannon for his “excellent call”, adding: “The EU is responsible for untold misery across Europe and their racist policies have hit the PRCC hard. The fact that chefs from the Indian subcontinent are no longer being given work visas due to EU laws on immigration has seen the demise of the traditional Indian restaurant in recent years. Standards have collapsed. It is time to leave the EU dictatorship and reunite with our brothers and sisters from the Commonwealth”. Curry Club officers are already contacting fraternal organisations, including the Pranksters, the All-London Pie & Mash Club and what’s left of the League of Labour Skins to whip up numbers. A clearly emotional Danny Dansak implores the brethren: “Let’s get a firm together and do the business. Smash the EU, smash it right up!” Aye, onwards to Brussels, lads. Step off with the left foot...
Filming has started on Danny Baker’s TV series about his docker Dad, Spud. South London geniuses Glenn Tilbrook and Chris Difford are providing the soundtrack with the able assistance of Dennis Greaves of Nine Below Zero and The Truth. Yes, the very same Dennis Greaves who forgot to meet us in the Anchor in Charlton today because he was – you guessed it – working on Dan’s soundtrack. (Git!) According to Fat Col “These poxy Spurs supporters ain’t heard of phones.”
Whisper this: Cock Sparrer have been writing new songs; enough, we hear for an album, but a well-placed source tells us that an e.p. is likely later this year...
R.I.P. Albert Maysles, who directed the 1970 Rolling Stones film Gimme Shelter about the Stones’ 1969 US tour, which culminated in the shocking murder of 18-year-old Meredith Hunter at the Altamont Free Concert.
March 8. It’s International Women’s Day. No-one let Fat Col anywhere near Twitter!
March 7. We return to the spat between the Beer Monster Elite and our own Serious Drinking Squad only to report that a historic truce has been reached between the two warring wings of the Punk Rock Curry Club – and even Lord Waistrel can’t object to that. A high-level emergency conference, held earlier today at the Nell Gwynne Tavern off the Strand, agreed on a set of “inviolable” principles to unite the club. These being: ‘Great pub, great food, great company’ with the caveat ‘No round-dodgers, no bill-swervers, no networkers’. (Although where this leaves Sgt Lee ‘Lovejoy’ Wilson and half the Anti-Nowhere League is anyone’s guess). John King summed up the day of debates thus: “An honest, respectful airing of differences. The PRCC has emerged stronger and more united than ever. Time for our enemies to tremble...” So mote it be. Now at last this blog can return to more agreeable matters such as the Jolly Pranksters, Wattsie’s love-life and actual Gonads news, whenever that may be forthcoming...
The Background to the Troubles: A forthcoming Sunday Times investigation has found that the temporary rift in the PRCC was caused by ‘conflicting traditions and expectations inside the club’, which were ‘exacerbated by changing alliances’. Chief reporter Tristram Strang notes: ‘The Beer Monster Elite are devoted to all-male, midweek beer-drinking sessions – ten pints followed by any old curry – while the Gourmet wing put more stock on the quality of food, favouring a few cheeky beers before a proper slap-up meal with no gender bias. Being workers, they prefer to reserve their serious drinking activities for the weekend.’ As well as a divergence of vision, Strang also detects a difference in mythology. He writes: ‘To the BME, the Club began at The Falcon and The Panahar in Clapham; to the Gourmets/SDS it began years before at the Lord Northbrook and the Curry Garden in Lee with Lars Frederiksen as a founder member’. Before the truce, both sides attempted to bolster their numbers by a kind of gerrymandering with the BME laying claim to Fatty Lol, who no longer even lives in the country, and Steve Whale, who is sadly now a part-timer. Meanwhile the SDS wing threw in Bev ‘Champagne’ Elliott who refuses to go to any PRCC meet outside of Soho. Mercifully common sense prevailed. A final word then, from Class War Colin Gannon who tells us that “the new mood of PRCC unity should send shivers down the spine of all those who hate England, punk rock, curry and beer. You know who you are, and we’re watching you. Back off Brussels!” Here, here! And up the workers!
R.I.P. David Jones from Enemy You. Singer/guitarist David took his own life yesterday. He is said to have been suffering from depression.
In music news, Motorhead are currently in the studio recording their 22nd album, due for release this Autumn... Lemmy and the lads are also re-issuing nine of their classic platters on vinyl including Ace Of Spades, Bomber and Iron Fist... Steve Ignorant’s Slice Of Life have confirmed these dates: 13th March, Nottingham, The Maze; 17th April, York, Fulford Arms; 2nd May, Newcastle, Cluny 2; 3rd May, Stockton, Green Room; 23rd May, Oxford, Jericho Tavern; 11th July, Wirral Fort, Rock Perch.
Big love to our webmistress Batttttty who had been taken poorly in Poland on a jaunt with UFO. Sadly all the St Bernards we sent with brandy barrels have been intercepted by the band and their booze-crazed roadies. Get well, Bats!
March 6. Our mates The Crunch will be playing at the UK premiere of Nick Hall’s Joe Strummer documentary, I Need A Dodge, later this month. The film will be shown at Koko in Camden on 25th March – two days after the release of their new single ‘Neon Madonna’ (which can be heard on Gal’s latest podcast). The Crunch have also expanded to a five piece with singer and keyboardist Idde Schultz joining permanently. Their second album Brand New Brand is out at the end of April. Tickets for the Koko event will set you back a pony.
In more music news, the increasingly bonkers Bermondsey Joyriders play London’s Jazz Café next Tuesday. Garrie Lammin and the chaps will take to the stage in tartan trousers, sequin hats, Victorian frock coats, vote Labour rosettes and the great smell of Brut. According to one source close to the band (The Bitch), “The Joyriders are attempting to open up a time tunnel to the 1970s, an inter-dimensional wormhole back to when their clothes were cutting edge.” It certainly explains why Garrie looks increasingly like a cross between H. R. Pufnstuf and a homeless Bay City Roller. We don’t mind the clobber, but the BRUT? Sheesh. We wouldn’t even drink that.
Talking of booze, Lord Waistrel has banned all talk of the Serious Drinking Squad vs the so-called BME rivalry from this blog on the grounds that “it’s becoming tedious and half of the BME appear to be made-up creatures of John King’s imagination”. An outrageous claim, but there’s no reasoning with him. Scrotum, Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer, tells us “’is Lordship thinks it is hall getting hout of ’and.” Fat Col agrees. “The drinking gauntlet has been thrown down, and despite initially accepting it, the dastardly BME keep seeking to change the rules to suit them,” he tells us. “They don’t like the grub, they can’t take the shorts, Essex is a bit far... it’s laughable. We are happy to draw a line under the whole matter and chalk it up to a victory by default as the opposition will never show.” Nuff said. So mote it be.
Ska News: here is the running order for the London International Ska Fest. Thursday 2nd April: Lee Scratch Perry + Dojo and DJ David Katz (7pm-11pm) at The Jazz Cafe, Camden. Latino America Gone Ska! (11pm-2am) – DJ Ruffy TNT (from Mexico) hosts 60s Ska, rocksteady & reggae from Central & South America, also at The Jazz Cafe. Friday 3rd April: Thames cruise starring Derrick Harriott + AJ Franklin (Chosen Few) + DJ Tim P (Tighten Up) (1pm-5pm) onboard The Dixie Queen, Tower Hill Millennium pier. From Kingston to Camden exhibition – 3 day music, art and fashion exhibition (1pm-6pm; continues Saturday and Sunday) free entry at the Camden Foundry, Camden. Bunny Lee – I Am The Gorgon film screening 1 (4pm), screening 2 (6pm) at The Forge, Camden. Dreadzone + support + DJ tba (7pm-10.30pm) at The Jazz Cafe. All Valve Soundclash: Axis Valv-a-tron meets Sounds & Pressure Lo-fi (8pm-2am) Two beautiful hand-built valve sound systems go head to head at The Forge, Camden. Gentleman's Dub Club + Babylon Circus, Buster Shuffle, The Toasters, Paperboy, DJ Kaptin Is Dead (Boomtown) (8pm-11.30pm) at The Forum, Kentish Town. Time Tunnel club night : a vinyl feast of all things Ska, 2 Tone, soul and more! at The Forum. Saturday 4th April. Legends of Ska UK premiere + Q&A (2pm) with director Brad Klein, Rico Rodriguez, Owen Gray & more! at BFI, South Bank. Do The Dog Skazine Intl showcase (3pm-10pm) featuring, Two Tone Club (France), The Talks (UK), The Riffs (Malta), Miserable Man (Italy), Beat Bahnhof (Japan) & more! at The Barfly, Camden. Twinkle Brothers + Zion Train and DJ Fenomeno Show (Open The Gate) (6pm-10pm) at The Jazz Cafe. Steel Pulse perform Handsworth Revolution + Dennis Bovell Dub Band and DJ Oxman (Dub Vendor) (8pm-11.30pm) at The Forum, Kentish Town. Don Letts Rebel Dread clubnight (11.30pm-2am) at The Forum. Sunday 5th April, Kids Go Ska - free family day (1pm-7pm), an all-day musical treat for all the family with acoustic sets, star signings & music galore at Modfather Clothing Co, Camden. 2-Tone stars triple bill featuring Sir Horace Panter's Uptown Ska Collective, Rhoda Dakar sings The Bodysnatchers & Beat Goes Bang (Everett Morton from The Beat) (2pm-7pm) at The Jazz Café. Bitty Mclean + Freddie 'Montego Bay' Notes, Vin Gordon aka Don Drummond Jnr and DJ Natty Bo (Ska Cubano) (8pm-11.30pm) at Dingwalls, Camden. Natty Bo’s Scorchio Ska - Ska Fest Closing party (11.30pm-2am) at Dingwalls. All tickets available from here.
March 4. This is not a joke (unfortunately). Furious about our stolen stage cock, Lord Waistrel sent two “world class” mediums into Nads HQ in Charlton yesterday to conduct a seven hour psychic investigation into the robbery. Even the departed spirits of Conan Doyle and Raymond Chandler failed to throw any light on the subject, however. But one phantom presence made contact and was full of lip - Wattsie Watts’s dear old mum who came through the ether to tell her that “Fat Col is a perv” (tell us something we don’t know!), “Danny Dansak needs to have a word with himself” (ditto) and most outrageous of all, “Gal can’t sing!”, (Ain’t it fair, we’re now getting heckled from beyond the grave!!) The saucy spectre went on to reveal that Wattsie’s true father was “some soldiers”. Pushed by the psychics, she then revealed that she was joking and that Wattsie’s real Dad was actually a bloke from the Army Catering Corps who’d she met at Paddington station (where we presume our girl and her more sensible twin Shona were conceived in the Ladies loos while they were waiting for the station bar to open). All well and good, we’re sure, but the mystery of our treasured but tragically purloined stage todger continues... maybe Mike Hammer can help.
Metallica will release an exact duplicate of their 1982 demo tape ‘No Life 'Til Leather’ as a limited-edition cassette on 18th April. An excited Fat Col rang up to say that we should do the same with our 1979 audio cassette release ‘Ripper’s Delight’. A great idea we thought, but Miss Management has squashed the suggestion with a curt “As no-one we know has a tape player it would be a bit effin’ pointless even for us.” Harsh but true.
In the absence of actual news the great stand-off between John King’s pitiful Beer Monster Elite and our own pot-bellied heroes The Serious Drinking Squad continues, with vicious sniping from both sides. Danny Dansak scoffed: “Now they want to eat 'nibbles' instead of the hardcore curries that The Leader (JK) has told me to ensure”. Fat Col retorted: “Of course we’d eat curries, the hotter the better... if the so-called BME have no stomach for a traditional English pub grub.” King himself claimed this morning that Dansak had brought “two van-loads of BME Youth down to Sidcup only to find empty Pepsi-serving gastro pubs.” To which Millwall Nige replied “That’s odd, as the South London SDC were out in force in the Taylor’s Chalk last night knocking back pints of Ruddles at £1.95 a pop – traditional English beer at traditional English prices. The place was rammo and we were firm-handed with Scotch John, Andy the Ram, Sid “The Lip” Caesar and Martin Sporrell (aggressive Gooner). If the BME Youth (average age 57) had actually shown they would have soiled their no doubt tatty y-fronts at the sight of us”. Another JK oppo, Fat Tony Madras from West Drayton, started wittering on about the Punk Rock Curry Club beano in Southall from years ago, which is surely irrelevant as we are discussing a serious drinking contest. Shaking his head, our even fatter Col (who seems to have deserted UKIP for Class War) observed that the schism between the two tribes can’t be repaired as “those Middlesex yokels just want to sink ten pints of piss and eat at any backstreet curry-house that will let them in at closing time, whereas the SDC are discerning drinkers and fans of high quality rubies and real working class gourmet grub, like stewed eels.” With Dansak frothing at the mouth and chanting “Smash the Babysham Gang” it was down to JK himself to suggest a possible solution: “Head to head, King vs Gonad... in a pub of your choosing, no rules, no ref.” To which we reply in good faith that we have chosen our pub, Awkwright’s Bar, in Essex; we have also spelt out our rules and appointed our ref. If you bottle it, fine; the world will know about it. And if you dare to show “You’re going home like Sandy Richardson” (ask your Nan).
March 3. New Pussy Riot song ‘Don't Cry Genocide’ can be heard over the end credits of the latest episode of House of Cards (Netflix). The blinding TV show also features a cameo appearance from Pussies Nadya Tolokonnikova and Masha Alyokhina. The episode concerns fictional Russian president Viktor Petrov (Lars Mikkelsen) who attends a state dinner in Washington and patronises the Pussies. The radical women recently released a protest song about the death of Eric Garner called ‘I Can’t Breathe’, featuring Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Nick Zinner on bass and Richard Hell reading Garner's final words. He died in July 2014 after an NYPD cop allegedly put him in a chokehold.
At home, the war of words between John King’s Beer Monster Elite and our own Serious Drinking Squad escalated yesterday with the BME threatening to turn up to the contest “fifty-handed”. The piss-supping wimps also questioned the established drinking rules. Motormouth Danny Dansak sniped: “Rules are for the Pepsi-swillers of the Babyshammers.” A confident Fat Col replied that if the BME could not provide two champions and imbibe the required serious drinking intake then “We will take that as your surrender.” “No surrender!” replied a panicking Dansak. King then sought to regain the initiative stating: “Let’s set a date and time. Whatever you want to drink is fine by us.” Col tells us: “We are game on. King and Dansak versus Gonad and Gannon”. Referee Mick Pugh and Millwall Nige have agreed to ensure best of order. There is just one more thing to agree on – the grub. Says Col: “By tradition, the Drink Around The World challenge requires contestants to eat a variety of bar snacks – to wit, pork scratchings, whelks, beef jerky, jellied eels, corned beef and Branston pickle sandwiches and currywurst... ” Yeah good luck with that one...
Judging by this picture, the theft of our stage cock has really pissed Gal off...
March 2. Gal’s latest The Hungry & The Hunted podcast is up and running here: with guests the Bar Stool Preachers belting out three numbers live in the studio and tasty tracks from Alias Kid, The Boys, The Crunch, Iron Chin, On Trial UK, Christine Sugary Staple, The Amphetameanies, X-Ray Junction, the Young Offenders and more. By a handy coincidence, the Preachers, Alias Kid and The Boys also feature heavily in the current issue of Street Sounds, which packs in quality chinwags with the likes of the Dropkick Murphys, Chris Pope, Rhoda Dakar and the great Garry Johnson too. There’s also a hefty feature on punk and Oi in Argentina. You can order it from here or swerve the postage and pick up a copy from great independent shops like All Ages and Oi Oi The Shop in Camden.
Sad to report we are being harassed by John King’s puffed-up Beer Monster Elite. King and his gobby henchman Danny Dansak are callously using Gal’s ongoing medical issues to score cheap points against the so-called “Babysham Gang”, with Dansak writing abusively: ‘The fact Gal’s gonads have shrivelled and died proves that too little beer, too much beard and never leaving the Charlton area are bad for the health’. He then challenges the still concussed singer to ‘a proper session in a Central London location or face eternal shame and damnation’. Last night a furious Fat Col wrote off the Chelsea dominated BME as “rank amateurs” and “drinking class wannabes”. Col said: “I feel not so much contempt as pity for those who think sinking twelve pints of over-priced, watered-down piss in some poncy West End dive is a proper session. For a Gonad, that’s just a warm-up.” He went on: “Gal and I challenge King and Dansak to take on a real booze battle, we invite them both to join us in that traditional Gonads’ recreation, the Drink Around The World contest. This starts with the lagers of six nations, followed by strong English cider, a pint of stout, a light & bitter and two pints of premium draft pale ales. After this casual loosening up, we then open the French Nuits St George followed by Italian Barolo and a cheeky German Müller-Thurgau before moving on to Russian vodka, Irish whiskey and so forth around the top shelf. If the so-called BME are still standing we relax in the usual Gonadian manner with a few Irish coffees and a pint of champagne top. Then we start all over again with different beers, substituting the light & bitter for brown & mild etc and moving to the New World for the plonk. The venue for this challenge is not some over-priced Soho shithole or the South East London pubs they are so afraid of, but the exclusive and delightful gentlemen’s haven that is Arkwright’s bar in Essex. So come on Dansak and co, how say ya? Cos when it’s go time, the Nads lads as ever say No Retreat and No Surrender.”
Record news. Out on vinyl right now are 1) Agnostic Front’s No One Rules LP (Radio Raheem) – a collection of 34 long-lost tracks from the Big Apple’s premiere hardcore heroes. 2) Sick Of It All’s latest album, Based On A True Story (Think Fast! Records) 3) The Germs’ one and only studio LP, GI. 4) The 45 Adapters’ six song mini-LP, Patriots Not Fools. Plus quality singles from Suede Razors – ‘Bootboy Anthems’ (re-pressed on Rebel Sounds Records) and Stranglehold’s ‘Spitting Blood’ 7inch (Pirates Press) – female-fronted Oi from Down Under, and as Fat Col always says, there is nothing better than a bit of down under action on the female front. Oaf.
March 1st. Hello, culture lovers! Our new album Greater Hits Volume 3 – The Complete Cobblers will be released at the end of April. It’s our twelfth album, and there will be an invitation-only launch party at a London venue to celebrate. In further Actual News: The Gonads and Infa-Riot are uniting for a “Not Dead Yet” UK mini-tour. The first confirmed gig will be at the Teams Club in Gateshead on 10th October. Further shows will be announced in due course. According to band spokesman Fat Col (Waistrel’s lickspittle) the dates are part of “a civilising mission to Gonadise the North”. But a slightly saner Stief A’ Billy (our equivalent of Bez) stopped shaking his maracas long enough to comment: “The Gonads have said they will only play special events for the foreseeable future and what could be more special than a social club in Gateshead, a great seat of modern culture being the birth place of both Brian Johnson from AC/DC and Marcus Bentley, the narrator bloke from Big Brother?” What indeed.
It’s not all good new though. Brace yourselves, this is a real shocker. Because today we are sad to report the theft of Gal’s legendary “stage cock” from right under our noses at Gonads HQ. The recently discovered robbery is thought to have happened sometime in the last three months. Band enforcer Martin Sporrall has drawn up a list of suspects said to include “bitter rivals, jealous of our good looks, Lee Wilson, John King etc” and any Charlton Village women “looking especially happy.” Gal is reportedly “gutted” about the theft of the mighty cock prop which has been part of our stage act for the last six years and was once nearly impounded by green-eyed airport officials. The treacherous Wattsie however tell us that she was “relieved” to hear the news. So no-one tell her that Si Spanner is supplying a “self-lubricating, monster” replacement that “squirts up to a pint of lager top”. The lucky, lucky girl!
In other Nads news: Mark McMighty and Gal have demoed ‘Son Of FrankenSkin’ our four minute street-punk mini opera, along with brand new ditty ‘Security Breach’ (about the theft of the stage cock); both will be recorded early this summer for an August release... meanwhile the 35th Oi anniversary single will be financed by a pledge music campaign... and Gal’s latest Hungry & The Hunted podcast should be up any time now; we’ll add details and a link when we have them...
In other developments, Danish Oi! herberts Last Seen Laughing are heading back to the U.K. this summer. They will play The Flag, Watford, on 6th June, The Great Skinhead Reunion in Brighton on the 7th and are looking for a friendly gig for the 5th June. The lads return to the UK again in August when they become the first Danish band ever to play Rebellion... Shock news, the East End Badoes have gone from five members to three following the shock departure of bassist Dalb and rhythm guitarist Steve. Those close to the band indicate that singer Terence Hayes, PM, moved swiftly to eliminate dissent and impose his iron will, Waistrel-style, on the band. He is now expected to support the Rejects at the 100 Club in April with two tap-dancers and a bloke with a kazoo... Talking 100 Club, Friday night’s Sham 69 gig was “an absolute triumph” (our man at the show writes); “Sold out and rammed”. Support bands Knock Off and Dirty Royal were described as “also excellent”. More shit when we feel like it.
STOP PRESS. We are confirmed to play the Rebellion festival in August this year. We'll be performing TWO sets, one of them acoustic. Tickets available from here. We are also confirmed for this year's Street Punk Party in Brittany, France, with the Cockney Rejects, Argy Bargy, Infa-Riot, The Adicts, The East End Badoes and ten other bands over the first weekend of December... check back in March for more big news. And while we're here, issue ten of Street Sounds will be out on the 10th February, featuring the Dropkick Murphys, Alias Kid, The Boys, The Bar Stool Preachers, The Backhanders, Bez's bed-in, Garry Johnson, Rhoda Dakar and a massive report on punk & Oi in Argentina.
