Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
June 27. Dark days, pals. Our acting owner Albie Farragut is livid about the security breaches caused by the man known only as ‘Ol’ Blabbermouth’ and has ordered a complete blog lockdown. He told us, “You campaign against round-dodgers, and quite rightly so, but at least you know where you are with an RD. You see this loser guy Spizz hanging around a bar with half of inch of flat warm beer in his pint pot and you know he’s just waiting for some poor sap to latch on to and ponce off of. But a snitch is much worse. Especially a snitch who claims to be a friend and who then betrays your sacred trust. That kind of no-good varmint is lower than sperm whale shit. I’m closing down this blog until the band rids itself of all grasses, snakes and wrong’uns.” Quite right too.
Farragut has also paid top US lawyer Charlie Jackson to investigate shocking and distressing claims that a woman “known to the band” allegedly sexually abused a teenage Colin Gannon with a strap-on dildo. Says Jackson, “Through her actions this hard-hearted beast has turned this beautiful 18-stone man into a twisted 20-stone freak. It’s totally inappropriate. It’s lewd, lascivious, salacious and outrageous. Truth must be sought, I can’t be bought and we will have our day in court. Justice for Gannon!”
June 26. A new scandal erupts like thunder on the horizon. It seems that the identity of one of Lord Waistrel’s senior field agents has been leaked by either a person close to the band or in the band. As this betrayal compromises both security and friendship, Waistrel has sprung into immediate action, putting crack investigators from the Church Of Oi on the case. One tells the blog: “We have already narrowed our investigation down to two prime suspects; when our suspicions are confirmed, the guilty party will be dealt with in an appropriate manner.” Blimey. The chief suspect, now known as OBM (Ol’ Blabbermouth), has form for leaking like a colander in a rainstorm. He is suspected of passing on the classified information to his frenemy Chelsea Dom (the Grand Inquisitor) who then leaked it in turn to Lee Wilson of Infa Riot. An ashen-faced CoO spokesman tell us: “He might as well have put a 90-second advert on ITV prime time. There is now a very real danger of the agent’s identity being exposed by the gutter press because none of those c***s can keep their mouths shut.”
June 24. We hear that the Orgasm Guerrillas have been asked to reform to play festivals in Holland and Czech Republic next year. “Reform” is stronging it as the band never existed outside of the studio, but word is old associates are meeting tomorrow and the fests are “a definite maybe”. The Orgasm Guerrillas were first heard on the second series of Oi albums in the 80s, with songs such as Sing Something Swindle and Aloha. They reformed to record Oi Along The Watch Tower for the Kings Of Street Punk album in the Noughties and again for a Jolly Pranksters weekender. They are known to have been writing new material. When approached by the blog, the band were unavailable for comment.
June 23. Out today! Full English by the Gonads on all digital platforms.
Apple Music: https://music.apple.com/gb/album/full-english-radio-edit-single/1690820902
Or just watch on trusty old YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfQYJUOehA8
June 22. Breaking news: After a hard day’s drinking today in the Hopper’s Hut with the DIF (Deptford Irish Firm, aka Millwall Kev), Fat Col shocked regulars by revealing that he had been “groomed at just 15 years old” by a mystery woman who he said had “plied” him with pie and mash and “smashed my back doors in with a strap-on dildo”. We cannot name the “cruel-eyed bint” he publicly fingered but we can say that if the claim is investigated by Plod or reported by the gutter press it could end both her singing career and her TV ambitions. A source close to “Mistress X” tells the blog, “She hasn’t slept for days… if this gets out her TV career is over, dead, finito; it will be the biggest fall from grace since Schofield.” Crikey.
June 21. RIP Marcus Howells of Foreign Legion, a good man gone too soon. Sleep well, Taff.
In other news, Billy Idol tells us that he will re-release his debut album at the end of July, coupled with a previously unreleased Live From The Roxy set.
June 19. High drama as tonight’s PRCC special assembly was SCRAPPED less than two hours before it was due to start. The official reason, circulated by organiser Steve Whale, was that Lars had “gone down with a virus”. But some experts believe there was a bigger problem. Word on the net is that Lars pulled out when he learned that the Grand Inquisitor, Chelsea Dom, was planning to gatecrash the event and immediately faked a lurgy scare rather than face being grilled by VLR’s top interrogator. Whispers an insider, “It was a lucky escape. Bad enough that they let him review the fuckin’ album.”
Senior PRCC affiliates – the League, the Resort, the Orgasm Guerillas – duly scrapped plans to attend but we can report that a hardcore of stalwarts – JC, Wattsie, Whaley, Cass Pennant, Max Spartan and pals – turned up anyway. A PRCC source close to John King congratulated them saying, “No virus, real or fake, can derail the Punk Rock Curry Club. Our motto was, is and always will be No Surrender.”
PS. We have just learned that Gills-loving joker JC texted a jet-lagged Gal inviting him to the Hopper’s Hut that evening. He turned up to find it entirely empty, as the club was actually convening in the Darjeeling. This ruse is said to have left him more dazed and confused than usual. It was, claims Fat Col, part of “dirty tricks campaign planned by JC and Wattsie” to spread confusion as their resistance to the Albie Farragut take-over takes root. Blimey. Col also claims that Wattsie has “used alien technology” to wipe out all of the Gonads’ planned activities for the next three months as part of the duo’s militant strike action against Farragut and Waistrel. Fears are rising that she might also have cancelled the live album… watch this space for more news.
June 17. An emergency Punk Rock Curry Club has been called on for Monday night in honour of special guest Mr L. Frederiksen.
June 16. We are in the Top Ten of the official Legacy Chart – our first hit since I Lost My Love To A UK Sub topped the Indie chart in 1982. A Gonads spokesman, Effete El, said: “Eat our dust, Liam Gallagher.”
June 15. Club 77 are said to be organising a petition to complain about the Gonads not being invited to join the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame. Effete El called it “a deliberate snub” and “a crime against punk rock”. But when we told about it, Gal Gonad replied, “Please don’t. Seriously, who gives a fuck? Who’d want to be part of this corporate circus? They let in pop acts but not Motorhead or Maiden. Hall of fame? Hall of shame, more like.”
June 13. Good news! Strings have been pulled and Full English will be rush-released as a download single on Friday 23rd June.
Bad news! Holidaying in Barbados, Lord Waistrel – as drunk as a thousand sailors on navy strength rum – poured himself into a big-money poker jamboree and proceeded to lose a considerable amount to his old pal Texan oil man Albie Farragut. Rather than sully his hands with cash, Waistrel has given Farragut temporary ownership of the Gonads. The can-do billionaire now has three months to ‘monetise the brand’ and has already signed a lucrative deal with Calvin Klein to release a range of fragrances. The copyrighted trade names cannot legally be disclosed but one has the working title of ‘a sniff of Gal’ (pie & mash with gentle hints of Madras, Paulaner and “things combed out of Derek Hales’s beard”; all topped off with the subtle scent of the Thames at high tide). 'Essence of Wattsie' includes blended alien tentacles, liquidised David Bowie underpants and freshly melted conspiracy theory tin hats. As for ‘fragrance of Fat Col’ you’re better off not knowing. Farragut’s other plans are thought to include:
*Streamlining the band by merging the US and UK line-ups and then replacing the lot of them with “hot, sexy” cartoon characters for all videos and, for live gigs, professional musicians, gospel singers, circus clowns and fire-eating lap-dancers.
*Buying us on to the Glastonbury Pyramid stage.
*Resurrecting the Curry On Up The Gonads movie for Netflix with director Martin Scorsese and an improved script edited by Ricky Gervais.
*Busting the blog monkeys' union and replacing them with US sitcom writers.
*Commissioning a second Ska and rude reggae comp, All The Loonstompers volume 2, written by AI and produced by Dennis Bovell.
*Replacing Fat Col with Terence Hayes (PM) and Miss Management with “Shiv from Succession”. And finally:
*Campaigning under the Trumpian slogan MUGGA (Make Us Gonads Great Again). A spokesman for Farragut, Chops Phoenix, told the blog: “Albie knows he has been sold a dud but he made his first million in retail and knows that if you sling enough shit, some of it will stick”. Blimey.
June 1. In Gal’s absence, Clyde Ward stepped dramatically into the breach and sorted out this fine cover art for Full English. We’re expecting it to be available next month – watch the news page for details.
P.S. We’re taking a break now while “certain things” are discussed and confirmed. Cheerio.