Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
June 29. Once more we are attempting to temporarily close this blog, but – emergencies aside – we shall be back next month with news from the recording studio, more insights from Doris Bonkers, a date for our London show, and any developments in our bitter feud with Joe Pasquale. For now we urge you not to tell Wattsie that Fat Col is learning French “just in case”. Oh la la! (Cela a pris du temps… mais Col ne le sera pas.)
Football results: Grade 2, Sham 69. Sum 41, Blink 192. Maroon 5, Jackson 5. Matchbox 20, U2. MC5, UB40. Heaven 17, East 17. Delta 5, Shed 7. Haircut 100, Dave Clark 5.
June 28. Here’s a turn-up. We thought Chris Ruxley had managed to compile a complete list of unreleased Gonads songs, but no. Diligent research by Fit Bird has uncovered four more including ‘Throbber’ (“utter filth,” she sniffs), ‘Cauliflower Ear’, ‘Vintage Bintage’ (“a celebration of older women” – Fat Col; “sexist cobblers” – Wattsie), and the gritty ‘A Song, A Smile & A Sawn-Off’. She also reminds us of our forgotten plan to record our version of the Cockney music hall classic ‘A Mother’s Lament’, and the cover of ‘Two Lovely Black Eyes’ that we recorded with Gary Lammin. We inform Chris who adds them to his master-list but tells us quite sternly “Clearly the most important thing the Gonads could do is get in the studio and record them all, after all, none of you are getting any younger.” How unnecessary.
Cynical Fat Col laughed off Doris Bonkers’s mystic ‘vision’ about him marrying Wattsie in the South of France, saying “It’s ridiculous. For one thing, I don’t like France – too much effing garlic. Besides, that woman will have to do a lot of apologising to get back in my good books let alone slip under my unwashed duvet of lurve.” So it could never happen, we ask? “The French thing?” he muses. “Only if she promised to put a lot of effort into the honeymoon” – several minutes of unnecessary detail follow here, ending with “tackled-up obviously, and I don’t want none of that pegging business. There certainly won’t be no dogging in the Dordogne neither.” Thank god someone has standards. Col does however speculate that Doris may have mixed up France with the Paris hotel which is on South Las Vegas Boulevard and, he says, “is more my type of gaff.” (It was also the hotel where Banjo Vic, R.I.P., was mistaken for Charlton Heston. Gal tells us: “It was extraordinary, the bell-boy led me and Vic past a queue of punters all waiting for the restaurant to open, and the maitre d’ gave us the best table in the place. They kept calling Vic “Mr ’Eston” and at the end he had to pose for photos. Vic went along with it of course and I picked up the bill for the grub to maintain the illusion. The plonk was on the house.”)
June 27. Astonishingly, the very day that we published psychic Doris Bonkers’s laughable predictions, the first one of them came true! For here are pictures of Chelsea Dom pouncing about in women’s clothing – exactly as Doris foresaw via her throbbing crystal balls. A grim-faced Effete El tells us: “Poor Dom is obviously suffering from Covid Lockdown Syndrome – or ‘cock-down’ for short. But what concerns many of us more is that if Doris was right about this, could she also be right about Wattsie and Fat Col marrying in the south of France?” Gulp, only time will tell. We hear a worried Wattsie is en route to Septic Peg for a second opinion.
June 26. Jubilant Pranksters will celebrate the re-opening of England’s public houses by holding a Spiritual Reawakening Ceremony in south London on July 4th, our spies report. The lavish ceremony will take place at the secretive order’s Grand Lodge (above a barber’s shop in beautiful downtown Peckham). Director of Ceremonies, Brother Bill Snudge, 82, tells our source that the evening will commence with a drive-by of the THPM MC (Terence Hayes, Perfect Master Motorcycle Club) before fine dining at a jerk chicken and barley wine festive board which will be followed by punk rock bingo, the Streatham Over-80s Pole-Dancers Ensemble, Cockney comic Jimmy Smiles, the Millwall Male Voice Choir, a Trinidadian steel drum band, the renowned Costermongers double act Pete and Polly “Off Their Trolley”, competitive axe throwing and a performance by Gonads tribute act the Go-Mads (now with their own spin-off band, GBH). Said Bro Snudge “As true sons of freedom we welcome the world coming back to its senses. Onwards and upwards! For England, beer, beef, bacon and liberty!” Afterwards, psychic charlatan Doris Bonkers will attempt to contact the spirits of Tommy Trinder and Bob Crow “across the void”. But don’t let that put you off. When asked to comment further Bro Snudge replied “One class, the working class, stick the Guardian up your arse,” adding with a theatrical flourish, “To order brethren. Step off with the left foot.” You heard him!
Doris calls to tell us she has seen a vision of the future wherein Chelsea Dom “struts about in a lady’s dress”. In another of her visions, “Wattsie weds that lovely Fat Col in the South of France and enjoys many years of marital bliss”. She’s insane, surely?
June 25. Human Punk may have bottled it, but we are now in talks for a pre-Xmas Gonads live extravaganza in south east London this year. Watch this space...
Ahead of pubs reopening, the Jolly Pranksters website has compiled a long list of “round-dodging” incidents involving the two most outrageous proponents, Lee Wilson and Eddie Piller. Unfortunately as it’s behind a pay wall they will never see it.
Rancid have teamed up with retro toy-makers Re-Action to make a Tim Armstrong action figure. It’s crossed with a skeleton, marketed as “SkeleTim”, and it comes with a leather jacket, a guitar and a Molotov cocktail. Colin “Trappy” Gannon was the first to denounce the band as “sell-outs” although we expect him to change his tune rapidly if the California based company agree to our proposal – a Fat Col inaction figure, crashed out in a tatty armchair with a pint in one hand and a large doner kebab in the other. Word is they will make a prototype ‘Col’ by melting down three Buster Bloodvessels.
In other news, the 40th anniversary Oi album is definitely going ahead; ace snapper Jim Jimmy James is on the hunt for a cover shot. We understand that all of the slots on the album are currently taken but the good news is it’s looking “likely” that a new series of the legendary streetpunk compilations will start next year.
June 24. Hey kids! If you go down Dean Street any time soon, you’re in for a big surprise. Our pal, punk rock writer extraordinaire Bev Elliott, is currently immortalised on the side of Dean St Townhouse as part of the Lockdown Soho project. So check yerselves, herberts. Big Sister is watching you…
June 23. In another blow to musical progress and the advancement of British low culture, Lord Waistrel today refused point blank to fund our seven album farewell box set on the outrageous grounds that it would cost too much. Besides, he says he has already invested in Susie Webb’s rock-salsa album. Mercifully Fat Col immediately stepped in saying that he would stump up the cash instead. How can you afford that, we ask? Oh he says, “I’ve got money coming in any day now. All I need are those six lucky numbers.” Oaf.
June 22. Shortly after we shut the blog down we became aware of a shock development that might flush our plans down the khazi of the history. It seems that slippery Clyde has done a deal with squeaky comic Joe Pasquale and the pair are recording a rival version of our next b-side, The Full English. “This has thrown a proper spanner in the works,” says Effete El. “And I don’t mean Si.” El, who is working with Miss Management, tells us “People are angry. There have been calls for us to let Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) sort this out, but Martin and Joe box at the same gym in Eltham and are pals. Plus Fit Bird is Pasquale’s biggest fan. So we are sending in someone with proven diplomatic skills to try and negotiate a way forward.” Who, we ask? “Fat Col,” he replies. Oh fuck.
And here’s another shock – we may owe Garry Johnson an apology. New evidence suggests that the Dirty Garry movie may not be based on his unauthorised biography of Gal Gonad at all, but rather on a tell-all book written by glamorous rock photographer and former Gonads flag-girl Antonia Moore, the so-called “Black Marilyn”. By a strange coincidence, Gal is believed to have met Antonia, also a one-time fetish model, for the first time at Garry J’s stag night circa 1989. According to gutter gossip rags, the pair “enjoyed a close friendship”. The friendship can’t be denied. Antonia has shown pictures of Gal and Clyde at her exhibitions in Kensington and Camden and she even appears on the version of The Greatest Cockney Christmas on his Just The Filth album. The source revealed that Gal features in a whole chapter of her autobiography and “will not be pleased” by the secrets she lets slip. “She knows where the bodies are buried,” they say cryptically. Blimey O’Riley.
June 20. Okay chaps. We’re closing down for a while. But here are some news updates before we go: 1) Now confirmed for Rebellion 2021 are: Cock Sparrer, Bad Religion, Stiff Little Fingers, Circle Jerks, The Undertones, the Angelic Upstarts, Steve Ignorant, The Boys, Chron Gen, the Tom Robinson Band, Gimp Fist and Chaotic Dischord. (Average age: 97). 2) Out now, from the mighty Cro-Mags: a new single, No Turning Back, and their first album for 20 years, In The Beginning... and Boston’s The Welch Boys will release a joint EP single with California’s Bonecrusher in August via Last Punk Rockers Records; it’ll include four new Welch Boys songs and there will be a full length album later this year. We’ve heard a new track and it’s a blinder!
Thanks to everyone who responded to our list of unrecorded Gonads songs that was published yesterday. Thanks to you we can add unheard SkaNads songs, (Uptown) Top Goblin and Having A Bit Tonight. We’re reminded that the Gonads recorded an unreleased pub piano medley with Curry House Lizzie, circa 2006, as well. There is also our version of Revolution Now, co-written with our late mate Andre “Maninblack” Schlesinger, which we recorded around the time of Rob A Bank but never released. Pretty sure that’s everything. Cheers.
June 19. Official! The next Gonads single will be Too Old To Riot b/w Full English; and the next GBX release will be the Pub Crawl EP featuring Pub Crawl, Stomach Pump and Beer Can Boogie. Too Old To Riot is a brand new streetpunk anthem written by Gal and Clyde. Clyde’s Full English is “at the Ian Dury end of low culture”, sniffs a passing critic.
To continue this serious theme we have been contacted by Chris Ruxley, a Club 77 member who calls himself a Gonads archivist. Chris has used lockdown to very kindly compile what he believes is a definitive list of unrecorded Nads numbers “which have either been referred to on the blog or mentioned in interviews or on radio shows”. These are: Whelks, Son Of Franken-Skin, Ruptured Foreskin Blues, Majestic Goose, Shona & The Alien, Harry On The Boat, the “extremely controversial” Say What You Like, Becky’s Bucket, (Tune In) Punk Radio, Half Past Three & Nine Pence, They Died Heroes, Pegging Sue, City Of Bones, Mystic Meg, Federales, Chatham Docks, Critical Mass, The Great Sidcup Salami Scandal, Manga Baby, Red Army, Antigallican Last Bell, Darling Harold, Sam Bartram’s Shorts and Give Her A Dog For Christmas. (To this we would add Wattsie’s new song, Oi Boys Winning.) Chris asks: “Have you abandoned plans to cover Filthy Rich by the Small Faces and Johnny Reggae by the Piglets, and to re-record Mistress Material with an Elvis Presley impersonator?” Hmm. The Piglets are probably too tarnished to touch but the others are contenders. Leaving aside Fat Col’s 12-song album and our proposed punk rock opera The Quest for the Golden Goblets, this looks like a pretty comprehensive list to us, but please get in touch if you recall any more. Gal’s brain is “like a sieve... with a big hole in it”.
Chris has also kept a record of unreleased songs intended for our side projects, all largely written but unrecorded. For GBX he lists: Sir Ska-A-Lot, TV Times, White Tights, Cheerio, Priscilla’s Gorilla Thriller, Marylebone Martyrs, Treble Barrel, Frank Edward Wilson, Far Canal, Mungo Jingo, Long Live Love (cover), Hurt Me More (Susan Cadogan tribute), The Cockney Preservation Society, Gartree Bye Bye and Coppers Interruptus.
Gonads DMG songs include: Dirty Metal Gonads, Rod Of Correction, Heavy Metal Heather, Budgie, Fire Down Under, Dirty Girl, Pooper, Eat The Rich and Hell Hound. The Orgasm Guerrillas numbers are: Clouds, Parousia, Tear Down The Mirage, McMahon Line (Ladakha Lament), Violent Quiche and Soul Of Vanity. And the Prole album, currently a work in process, will feature new songs Dreamland, Rosa, Better Land, Sawdust Caesars, Welcome To The New World Order and Let Us Rise. Says Chris: “Given the length of the Orgasm Guerrillas numbers I calculate that you have enough songs for each band to realise your dream of releasing a five album box set comprising a brand new album by the Gonads, GBX, DMG, Prole and the Orgasm Guerrillas – assuming that the Ska-Nads have now officially evolved into GBX. If you were to add the Goblets opera and 18 Stone Of Dynamite that would make a magnificent seven albums which could be released as a farewell box-set.” When asked why it would be a farewell box-set, Chris replied “Because once you release Say What You Like you would never gig again.” Fair point.
*Fat Col calls, and he is spitting feathers about yesterday’s Top Twelve/Twenty reasons why Wattsie should shag him. He branded the list as “Demeaning and insulting”, adding “I am not a cartoon character here to be hyper-sexualised for your amusement. I am a human being and I demand to be taken seriously.” He accepts our apology but mutters “Crap like this could damage my new business.” What’s that, we ask? “Well,” he says. “You known Gwyneth Paltrow’s got a candle out called This Smells Like My Orgasm? Well I’m manufacturing one called This Smells Like I Shat Meself...” Oaf.
June 18. Next year’s Rebellion Festival has been confirmed for August 5th to the 8th, 2021. The early bird weekend ticket is available for a bargain price of 175sovs. Chicago’s Riot Fest have rescheduled for Sept 16 – 19, 2021; confirmed for the Douglas Park event are My Chemical Romance, the Circle Jerks, Smashing Pumpkins, Pixies and Run The Jewels.
The Top Twelve reasons why Wattsie should bed Fat Col (compiled from a Club 77 survey): 1) He’s available 2) He’s keen 3) He lives nearby 4) He’d let you go on top 5) It wouldn’t take long 6) It’d shut him up 7) He’d wear a mask 8) He’d lose weight 9) He’d stop writing songs about you 10) For anatomical reasons, it would be the nearest a heterosexual woman could ever get to a lesbian experience 11) Whoever you date afterwards would be a vast improvement 12) It would end the pathetic soap opera that has haunted this blog for over a decade. (Bubbling under: 13) He’d pay 14) You might enjoy it 15) He’d put a mattress on the pallet 16) Once you’ve had Col your life’s never dull 17) Imagine the gratitude 18) Flowers. He’d bring flowers. From the crem 19) His cum-face would terrify poltergeists 20) Someone’s gotta keep an eye on JC...)
June 17. Great news, chums – Oi Oi The Shop in Camden re-opened today. Get down there and spend like bingo winners! They’re the good guys, kids.
Random noos: Metallica are writing a new album via Zoom... a new Lemmy Kilmister biopic, called Lemmy, will go into production early next year... and, in a shock development, Wattsie tells us she has written her first ever Gonads anthem. Is it a love song to Fat Col, we ask? But the line mysteriously goes dead. More news when we have it.
June 16. Good news #1! The race is on to rescue the 40th anniversary Oi compilation album. Bands have been kept out of studios by the virus but many big hitters are making plans to record something new and special in time to meet record company deadlines. Good news #2. Lord Waistrel has approved a new Gonads single which will be recorded in early July – without any Fat Col compositions. A vinyl release is on the cards but Waistrel refuses to let Randale Records of Southern Germany be involved as “they have never once given us a bally royalty statement – despite signing a contract promising to.” Poor show Diana. Down with that kind of thing.
STOP PRESS. We hear that the master tapes for the long-rumoured “lost” Orgasm Guerrillas debut album, 1984’s Tear Down The Mirage, were also stolen from Waistrel’s boot. Ransom demands will surely follow...
June 15. A bad day with two bombshells. 1) Fat Col has REFUSED to let us record 18 Stone Of Dynamite (Half Inch Fuse) insisting that the song could only be released as a single once the entire album of the same name got the green light – and that won’t happen this year. 2) Demo tapes for future Gonads releases were STOLEN from the boot of Waistrel’s Bentley today while he was visiting therapeutic masseuse Lilo Lil at her home in Upper Dicker. The tapes including such unheard gems as Whelks (dating from 1977), Mystic Meg and Give Her A Dog For Christmas (demoed in 1998), Shona & The Alien, Federales, Critical Mass, Majestic Goose, Promised Land and The Great Sidcup Salami Scandal. Says an ashen-faced Effete El: “The future of the Gonads next studio album now depends entirely on how much Gal and Clyde can remember.” Oh lumme.
R.I.P. Ricky Valance. We’ll tell Laura.
June 14. Steve Whale tells us that he was sent to guard Benny Hill’s statue in Southampton by the Jolly Pranksters yesterday. A huge but necessary task. Granted the 9ft bronze has yet to be erected but a spokesman for the Prankster’s “Scuttle” Lodge tells us “it was important to preserve the sanctity of the area”. A small. dignified seven-strong squad of Pranksters stood guard around Lord Waistrel’s proud erection in Helmet Row for 24hours but there were no attempts to damage it. Terence Hayes, PM, tells us “as far as we know Waistrel’s statue is not on any hit-lists but as he is a life-long reactionary, and proud of it, the guard was precautionary...especially as technically the bronze stands in the borough of Islington.” Quite. Historical note: the noble Waistrel clan first rose to prominence under the English feudal system and Waistrel’s inherited wealth was based entirely on land ownership. According to Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkled retainer, “’E didn’t hown hany slaves hor have hanything to do with that terrible business. No. ’Is Lordship just had serfs.” (He still does – Wattsie.)
We’re sad to hear that Paul “Tonka” Chapman has died. The Welsh guitar-wiz had a heart attack on his 66th birthday five days ago. Tonka replaced Gary Moore in Skid Row in 1971 when he was just 15, but he was best known for replacing Michael Schenker (!) in the mighty UFO. He joined twice, once in 1974 and again from 1978 to 1983 playing on four albums from No Place To Run (produced by George Martin) to Making Contact. He co-wrote most of brilliant The Wild, The Willing & The Innocent – including the Krays inspired Profession Of Violence. After UFO briefly split, Cardiff-born Paul moved to the States and joined Gator Country with ex-members of Molly Hatchet. He was nicknamed “Tonka” because of his indestructible qualities – i.e. he could keep up with Pete and Phil on the drink and “party” fronts. Gal says “the only person I ever saw drink him under a table was Phil Lynott’s Mum...”. Gal was with the band when they were supporting Ozzy on a huge US arena tour in 1982 and severe weather brought everything to a standstill in Portland, Maine. He writes: ‘Outside, the snow was two stoned St Bernards deep and the hail pellets stung like rubber bullets. At one stage me and Tonka nipped out to the tour bus to watch Apocalypse Now and were lucky to get back. Two feet of snow had risen to crotch level in just three hours. Ronnie James Dio would have been buried alive. I hadn’t seen so much white stuff since I last saw Tonka chopping out lines...” The pair battled through “500 yards of blizzards and icy hell” to the sanctuary of the hotel. He continues: “Tonka was totally nonplussed by the ordeal. He perched happily under a sign saying ‘Proper Attire must be worn’ with the knees hanging out of his snow-sodden jeans and cheerfully said, “That reminded me of my first band. We were only 14 and we used to have snowball fights outside the gigs.” Which was a bit like comparing being stranded in a desert to a spot of sunbathing.
After joining Skid Row, Welshman Paul was voted ‘Ireland’s Top Guitarist’ (when he was still 15). We talked about other guitarists and he seemed to have the greatest respect for the late great Randy Rhoads who had died tragically a couple of months earlier. He told me “I knew Randy really well. We used to exchange licks every night in the tuning room. We’d just sit and show each other how to play certain things – he was an excellent guitarist, he dedicated his life to playing guitar. Every time he got into a new town he’d go find a classical guitar teacher and go for a lesson, then come back and practice.” Randy’s death seemed to electrify Tonka’s playing. When we finally reached dry gigs, he seemed completely recharged. Undoubtedly he was the new star of the live shows. His solos were better than ever. Although there was a time in Texas when Tonka staggered into a stack on stage and managed to knock an amp over onto his head. Mercifully the amp was undamaged.” R.I.P. legend.
June 13. Noos: Toots & The Maytals released their new single Got To Be Tough yesterday. Their new ten-track studio album of the same name – the first for a decade – comes out on August 28th... You can pre-order it here. But no pressure (drop).
Movie Noos: A new film inspired by Iron Maiden called The Night Of The Beast will tell the story of two Colombian teenagers who set out to see Maiden for the first time in Bogota. It’s set in February 2008 when the lads performed at the Simón Bolívar Park as part of their Somewhere Back In Time tour. The film will feature Maiden tracks, along with songs from Colombian metal bands including Vein and Agony.
Auction Noos: Up for auction soon – Dee Dee Ramone’s Fender Precision bass, Prince’s Yamaha synthesizer from the Purple Rain Tour, and a Fender amp used on stage by John Lennon's Plastic Ono Elephant's Memory Band. Look here for more info.
Auction Noos #2. US Oi fan Andrew Phillips, currently residing in Salt Lake City, is auctioning his original copy of The Business’s Harry May 7-inch vinyl single, autographed by Micky Fitz, on eBay. The details are: Harry May by the Gonads, original first pressing on Secret Records (SHH-123), black vinyl, limited to 1000 copies, autographed by Micky Fitz. He will pay for shipping himself and says “100% of the proceeds will be donated to Black Lives Matter Foundation” in the USA. Here is the link to eBay. Lively chaps.
In other noos: Dave Cairns has made a video for New Age, a demo he recorded for Virgin Music in 1987, five years after the mighty Secret Affair came to an end. We don’t know why. And we were shocked and sickened to find this unpleasant attack on Bruce Foxton on Soundcloud. Is The Bitch responsible? O
PRANKSTER ALERT: brethren heading to London today to guard the statue of Lord Waistrel in Helmet Row should liaise with brother Tom Hardy of Nelson Lodge. Stand easy.
June 12. Is this film flyer proof that the Dirty Garry movie is the work of one of our biggest enemies – or is it a wind-up concocted by Rodger “Trotsky” Shosa? Only time will tell. If true, the flyer reveals that the criminal genius behind the libellous flick is none other than our old opponent, Sandie West, Hollywood Pest – a known associate of missing Corbynista punk poet, Garry Johnson (see earlier conspiracy theories, or ask Wattsie to elaborate... in code).
A chastened Gal reacted to yesterday’s unprecedented attack from Lord Waistrel by suggesting four brand new songs for an alternative Gonads EP, two of them co-written by Gal and Clyde Ward and the other two by Gal and Mark McMighty. Rough demos have been rushed to Waistrel for his approval, although his Lordship is too busy to respond quickly as he “orff the manor” with his old pal Duncan ‘Chase me!’ Norvelle (really – Ed). The proposed “pure punk” EP would feature 18 Stone Of Dynamite as a sop to Fat Col. McMighty will join us in the studio to add “electrifying” lead guitar. Fingers crossed chums.
June 11. Furious Lord Waistrel today REJECTED our new EP, claiming it was “unacceptable as a Gonads release”, being “far too rocky and not at all punk”. In a rare move, his Lordship issued a detailed statement (written in quail’s blood by quill on ancient parchment) which read: “His most Honourable Lord Waistrel, Grand Prior of the Knights of St George, Earl of Charlton, Baron of Barmaids, first Lord of The Admiralty (a pub in Leicester Square – Ed), Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Jolly Pranksters, and Extraordinary Feudal Knight of the Most Ancient Order of the Pork Scratching, hereby decides that the so-called new Gonads EP will instead be released as a ‘GBX Christmas Party’ special.” Blimey. Waistrel’s edict also ordered us back into the studio to record a “pure punk Gonads EP, with louder guitars and unpleasant mob vocals that sound like they were recorded in the Old Covered End at The Valley, Floyd Road”. Waistrel’s lengthy statement was even critical of last weekend’s recording from a GBX point of view. He berates Gal because “the vocals on Pub Crawl are indecipherable, and that songs stands or falls on the lyrics” and complained that Phil McBadoe (aka Phil Fury) had “insolently ignored my expressed wish for Beer Can Boogie to start with a Status Quo-style guitar hook”. He warns all Nads to “question my wishes at their peril”. Blimey.
June 10. Gal’s tweet condemning Facebook for shutting down largely skinhead 2-Tone and Oi linked personal accounts was picked up by Russia Today and became a trending news story. Shortly after that, most of the deactivated FB accounts were mysteriously re-opened. Even Fat Col’s – and all he had sent the moderators was his mug shot, his criminal record and a magnified dick shot. This is the power this band wields. Like the Wongs on The Wanderers, you don’t fuck with the Gonads.
June 9. Facebook fuckwits shut down hundreds, perhaps thousands of accounts last night including those belonging to Neville and Christine Staple, Gal, Dave Wakeling from The Beat and Fat Col. Most of the silenced had links to skinhead culture. Facebook claimed they had moved against “hate groups”, dumbly confusing skins with boneheads. Fat Col blasted them as “liberal fascists”, “prejudiced PC pricks”, “no-nothing nerds” and “hypocritical Californian c***s”. Col, who was in the middle of composing a loving tribute to Wattsie Watts when Big Brother struck, says he will not be returning to the social media giant “even if they apologise and beg me”. Wattsie will be gutted.
More news is oozing back from the festering cultural sore known to the world as Hollywood. Our man on a Venice Beach massage table tells us that the so-called Garry Bushell biopic Dirty Garry is based on an as yet unpublished book of the same name “written by someone who has been close to him for forty years”. This has led to speculation that the vile nonsense could have been penned by none other the AWOL Garry Johnson, punk poet turned Fleet Street hoaxer. The Beast tells us “We sincerely hope that our old chum is not behind this libellous cobblers, but if Gal J is responsible no one could possibly take it seriously. After all Johnson, by his own admission, conned millions of pounds from the gutter press by selling them a series of elaborately fabricated stories over a fifteen year period.” (This is true, and two of them – Maggie The Movie and the Kemps to play The Krays in a film – actually came true!) The Beast continues: “Again we remind the film-makers that their reported claims have no basis in fact and if they persist we will sue hard and fast. We will take it all the way to the California Supreme Court if need be. The onus is entirely on them.”
June 8. The weekend’s recording session was full of revelations. For starters Staff Sergeant Wattsie revealed that she burps whenever anyone touches her back. So make sure you try it. And in an argument about who would play a theoretical harmonica for GBX, she insisted “If anything’s getting blown in this band it’s by me.” Great news. Form an orderly queue, lads. Other quotes of the day included: Gal: “We’re the Gonads, we don’t do perfection.” Wattsie (defiantly): “We do now.” (We didn’t). Here are some pretty pictures from the studio... Gal and JC, Paul and Sarah, Staff Sergeant Wattsie and Corporal Aitch, and Phil & Miss Management... not exactly six feet apart but who'd want to evade Miss M?
June 7. An incredible day in the studio yesterday! The Gonads were back together for the first time since lockdown began and a brand new three-track e.p. was successfully recorded. We social-distanced sensibly of course, although if cuddling breaks the rules there may be trouble... But hey, that’s Fat Col and Phil for you! We are banned from disclosing the exact nature of the e.p. – or even its release date, as Lord Waistrel is considering calls for it to come out in August rather than October. Terence Hayes, PM, was quick to advise an early release on the compassionate grounds that Gal “might not last until Christmas”. Good old Tel. He’s in his sixties with galloping dementia yet still finds time to care about others. The nine hour session, sustained by take-away kebabs and Stella Artois, saw Aitch Gonad make her recording debut like a true one-take pro. The only real controversy was JC’s attempt to sabotage one number by getting the producer to crank up the bass until it drowned out everything else when we were out of the room. Mercifully this shocking last minute skulduggery was rumbled and has already been rectified. JC’s solo bass album could be released later this year pending interest.
Lord Waistrel also has to choose between his plan to release our new official bootleg album in October and band requests for us to record Fat Col’s pure-punk 18 Stone Of Dynamite studio album instead. As you may recall Col has co-written eighteen songs including ‘18stone Of Dynamite (Half Inch Fuse)’, ‘Richie Is A Rocker’, ‘Chatham Docks’, the romantic ‘Just Wank Me Off (It Won’t Take Long)’, ‘Sandie’s Tour’, ‘Fist Orders’, ‘I Call It Romance (You Call It Stalking)’, ‘Ruptured Foreskin Blues’ and his hopeless plea to an unnamed female singer, ‘Go On, Go On, Go On (Just Shag Me Once...)’. One band member tells us “Some of the songs are crap – literally in the case of ‘Small Faeces’ – but around twelve of them are surprisingly good. It would be a proper return to our 1970s punk sound and great to do. The trouble is Col is insisting that the whole album should be recorded and mixed in two days – with every song being a ‘one-take wonder’. And he wants his co-writer Mark McMighty to guest on lead guitar.” A music expert writes: “This is a difficult decision for Waistrel. There is a lot of interest in the bootleg, which was recorded in Islington not too long ago. But Fat Col’s album would take the Gonads back to their pure punk roots. However different factions within the band and Club 77 would prefer the band to concentrate on bigger projects like GBX or the Golden Goblets punk rock opera. It’s quite a dilemma.” Indeed.
Music Noos: now available again, the vinyl picture disc of Lion's Law’s LP The Pain, The Blood, And The Sword. (LSM Vinyl)...and the Bar Stool Preachers have released a new picture disc single, Soundtrack To Your Apocalypse (Pirates Press), featuring the cheery ‘When This World Ends’ b/w ‘State of Emergency!’ (a portion of the profits will be donated to NHS frontline workers).
June 6. Clarification: We have been asked by our legal team to point out that we do not dispute that in the course of his work Gal has historically moved in criminal and hooligan circles, with good journalistic reason, or that he was once a member of a far-Left organisation. Our main concern about the Dirty Harry film is that it seeks to falsely claim that Oi itself was “a criminal conspiracy” fronted by him with seditious intent. No such conspiracy existed.
June 5. Breaking news! We interrupt our enforced silence following shock reports of a full-length feature film aimed at “destroying Gal’s reputation”. DIRTY GARRY is a disturbing biopic currently in pre-production in Hollywood which seeks to link Gal to “organised crime, hooligan culture and far-Left political elements”, according to our sources.
Our lawyer, The Beast, today took the unprecedented step of warning the film-makers that they will face “immediate injunctions” and “multiple actions for general and special damages” if they try and release such a “laughably libellous fiction” in the USA, the UK or anywhere else in the world. He tells us: “This is not a joke. This is happening. And we will sue in the Los Angeles courts for millions of dollars in compensation should this project go ahead.”
A tight-lipped Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) adds “Our contacts in LA are investigating the people behind this even as we speak.” Blimey. Tune back soon for more on this shocking scandal, as well as more uplifting Gonads news....