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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

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The Gonads WebsiteJune 30. This is visionary film director Sandie West, the punk-loving LA based mover and shaker who has set her heart on making our Curry On Up The Gonads movie a reality. Sandie, a Bafta member who previously made the punk rock documentary Flowers In The Dustbin, tells us: "The Gonads' story is unique and utterly hilarious. You are part Sex Pistols and part Carry On film. You have a very English sense of humour and a range of sounds from Cockney Ska to Oi unlike any other band around." Sandie, who is also working on a movie based on Garry Johnson's novella Serial Killer, goes on: "The true story of the Gonads' 1998 tour of the States had me stitches. It is up there with Spinal Tap as a great comic odyssey. My ambition is to make this film as funny as that, and as funny as you deserve." Curry On Up The Gonads is now officially in pre-production. Sandie is casting actors to play the band in their 1990s incarnation and plans are in place for the Gonads to play a series of West Coast gigs this November. It isn't yet set in stone, but it is now officially at the "more likely than not" stage.

*BRAND new internet music station, Mad Wasp Radio, starts a test transmission tonight and all this weekend. Gal has recorded a Ska & rude reggae show for it called A Right Punch Up The Trousers which goes out at 7pm tonight and is one step beyond bonkers. Hear it here.

More from Louise Distras on the Nu-Punk phenomenon over at Louder Than War.

STOP PRESS: The new Gonads single has been put on hold as Gal and Clyde have written a brand new anthem. Called 'Promised Land', the track is described by a passing rock critic as "double blinding" and will probably be fast-tracked for a late Summer single release.

June 29. If you're going to see the Dropkick Murphys at Bournemouth tonight, get there early – the East End Badoes are opening.

June 27. Our split EP with our Russian mates Uchital Truda is now in stock at the Nads shop. BUT we only have a few copies of this four-track beauty entitled 'Oi We Will Never Be Divided Vol 1' available, so be quick with the orders, old chaps.

Gal's Rancid Sounds podcast is repeated tonight at 11pm on 2nd City Radio, but we note that our dear friend and occasional backing singer Leah McCaffrey has her own country hoedown show on that very station tomorrow (Wednesday) from 7pm. We will be gutted if her version of 'East End Girl' doesn't make the mix.
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June 26. The ever busy Louise Distras has been plugging the nu-punk movement in a chat with the online Clash magazine - here. What's nu-punk, you ask? It's the next generation of course. Louise throws names into her lairy pot including Youth Man, The Kenneths, Cabbage, Creeper, The Spitfires (Mod, surely?), Riskee & The Ridicule, The Shrives, Doe, Donkey Dom, Savages, and the Bar Stool Preachers (Wot? No Wonk Unit? No Dirt Royal?). It sounds quite a lot like the New Tide movement pioneered by Street Sounds but with a better name than Vive Le Rock's god-awful 'Gob Rock'. Good luck to Louise! And someone please distract her if the subject of Fat Col's Rock Against Corbyn project is aired in her ear-shot because he's got quite enough angry birds bending his great hairy lughole at the moment.

Random Noos: Planet Rock have launched their own glossy mag. Called surprisingly Planet Rock, the head honcho is Phil Alexander (ex Mojo, Q, Kerrang! Etc) and 50,000 copies of issue one have been printed.

June 25. The geezer who has written Here Comes The New Punk, a book on the early days of Oi and streetpunk, contacts us to say: 'During extensive research for the book, the first instance of a band being referred to as 'Oi!' in the pages of Sounds was discovered not to be the Rejects as widely thought, but in fact The Gonads'. And he attaches two page review of demo tapes from a July 1979 edition to prove it. The spread covers everyone from Secret Affair to U2 via the Cockney Rejects, and there we are referred to as 'Punk with an Oi Oi vengeance' and 'The Members meet Sham down the Rose & Crown for a knees up'. This article was published way before the Rejects debut ep came out and proves beyond all argument that the Gonads were the first and foremost of all the British Oi bands. It's an honour we accept with our usual cheery humility, resisting the temptation to throw in a casual "Choke on our dust, you mugs".

Two radio shows don't seem to be enough for Gal. His Rancid Sounds and Sounds of Glory shows are running on 2nd City Radio and now he's recorded a pilot show called 'A Right Punch Up The Trousers!' for a brand new station. The pilot can be heard next weekend when Mad Wasp radio broadcasts its test-transmission weekend, starting at 6pm on Friday and running through to midnight on Sunday 2nd July. A Right Punch Up The Trousers is mostly Ska, bluebeat and reggae but Gal tells us he plans to "slip Charlie Drake in through the backdoor" (matron!) on future shows. We'll let you know exactly when it's due to transmit.

RECORD Noos: Fruit & Flowers – a surf noir band from Brooklyn – release their new ep 'Drug Tax' next Friday on Little Dickman Records. (Contrary to rumours spread by Wattsie, the Little Dickman label has nothing to do with Fat Col; it's a New York company that celebrates its fifth anniversary this Summer... meanwhile Burning Heart re-release two Millencolin albums, Life On A Plate and Pennybridge Pioneers, on colour vinyl... Louse Distras's new album is "written, demo'd and ready to be made... right now!" she tells us excitedly. Adding: "I want to make it sound out of this world, I want to make amazing music videos and artwork that will blow your mind and I want to put on the best live show I will ever play and then tour it all over the world and visit your town so we get to hang out and sing songs together in real life. I want to take this as far as we can!" Great! And what have all of us got to do? Just fund it. Tsk, knew there'd be a catch. The kickstarter campaign is here.

In other news: Neville Staple, Janet Kay, the Marvels and Mancie Baker play Bermondsey Carnival, Southwark Park, London next Saturday. And entry is free! All the details are here.

The Gonads WebsiteIf you wondered where we've been this week, this smudge might explain it. It's only Waistrel's favourite bookie...

June 20. A historic day in the recording studio on Sunday! First the Garry Bushell Experience (GBX) recorded their first ever single with soul legend Angie Brown guesting on vocals. This magnificent debut has been dubbed "the dawning of a new earache" by our freshly appointed band chronicolor Samantha 'Peepers' Perriman who says the the double A-sider "bridges the gap between the Gonads and the historic inevitability of mass acclaim". But that's not all, folks. Later on Sunday afternoon we recorded a brand new Gonads single too! Details of both projects will be published nearer the release date, which in the case of GBX, should be before the Rebellion Festival. Meanwhile the first-ever GBX album is now officially a work in progress, and may be completed in Cyprus later this Summer. An all-new Gonads studio album is also said to be "bubbling under". This does not mean the end of DMG however. Their first full-length release is expected before Christmas and according to Perriman "may even be the first one off the block". Brand new DMG tracks 'Critical Mass' and 'Jimi' have been written by The Colonel and Mark McMighty but have yet to be recorded.

The Gonads WebsiteAngie Brown joins Gal and Wattsie on the good ship GBX
Martin Sporrell (aggresive gooner) has moved swiftly to dismiss rumours of band disharmony in the studio – even though this leaked picture indicates a degree of tension. Sporrell tells us: "Musicians are temperamental bastards, and the odd creative disagreement might have been aired but my presence in the caff over the road ensured that nobody needed a slap." When asked to explain, he stated: "Listen, son, I'm with old Ted Roosevelt on this, I keep the peace by speaking quietly and carrying a big stick. Only I'm not that quiet and the stick is a bolo machete. Know what I mean?" Not really but who's gonna argue?

The Gonads WebsiteClyde & Shona are ready to ruck; Phil counts to ten to control his temper
June 19. Heads up! We are teaming up with Louise Distras and Musicians Against Homelessness to put on a Punks Against Homelessness gig in October. This all-day event is likely to take place on 1st October in Sarf London (la-la-la) – watch this space for details.

June 16. Okay they're back and this is worse than we thought. So bad in fact that none of our four world travellers would tell us exactly what went on in Las Vegas. Luckily Effete El has a gob on him the size of the Rotherhithe tunnel and this is his version of the disaster reported verbatim: "So they land, dun' they, and they check into the Trump International Hotel coz Waistrel has pulled a few strings with The Donald. They get to their suites and find all sorts of goodies laid out for them – champagne, brandy, truffles, Trump steaks etc, like an effing Aladdin's Cave it was – all paid for by the bosses at the Downtown Grand where they're expectin' to perform. Then Jackie 'Leathernuts' Lorenzini sends a big fuck-off stretch limo to ferry 'em down to his gaff. They know things ain't right as soon as they reach the Grand coz they see a 20ft high photo of Gal in the lobby above the words 'Coming soon!' Unfortunately it's Gal in a dress! It's only the bleedin' Devine blackmail photo of "Wanda Watts" with Cannon and Ball draped around him! The email we got that put this whole mess in motion was addressed to W.Watts. It wasn't for Wattsie! It was for Wanda!" Gulp!

He goes on: "The rest of the promo message says: 'Wanda Watts – Britain's premiere drag queen and punk rock entertainer... with her big bouncy Gonads'. And there's another star burst describing Gal as 'The Ru Paul of Engerlandland in the United Kingdom'. It gets worse, Gal and Clyde try to explain all this to Leathernuts who ain't too happy on account of the money he's splashed out to fly 'em over. But then Wattsie goes and puts her oar in saying she thinks the Wanda Watts show is a great idea and that Gal should do it! And Miss Management agreed! In front of Leathernuts! If looks could kill they'd be brown bread, chums." El pauses for breath and some indiscreet laughter and continues: "They got out alive somehow but Paulie "The Barber" Prosselicco saw it all and was cracking up in the lobby. Long story short Waistrel will have to compensate Leathernuts and bung Prosselico to tear up the pictures he took. Gal still ain't talking to Wattsie. And Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) has issued strict instructions that no smudges from the trip can ever be posted anywhere. He's trying to re-write history. We'll just have to hope that Prosselicco takes the money and keeps his big trap shut." Amen to that.

There is some good news from the Land of the Free however. Hollywood film director Sandie West is pressing on with her plans for Gonads gigs on the West Coast later this year and has already located venues and possible support slots. The blonde bombshell is in talks with the Dickies, Duffy's Cut and (bizarrely) The Spitfires about it all. A grim-faced Sporrell says: "Storming California may be the only way this great band can restore their credibility after this almighty clusterfuck." Too right. Talk about the greatest Cockney Cock-up!

While we're here: good luck to our old mates the Cockney Rejects who are en route to Germany where they're playing a mega-gig with Slayer, Anthrax and Papa Roach at the Hockemheim Baden-Württemberg motor racing circuit in the Rhine Valley. Knock em dead chaps. (But not literally)... and we can reveal that the new Infa Riot album will be called Old & Angry and "will be out in time for Rebellion if not before," according to Lee Wilson who signs off as "the older lady's crumpet" (which Sporrell reckons "means only senile twats are taken in by his old fanny" – and we cleaned that up. How unkind).

14th June. We interrupt our big blog break to repeat shocking rumours that our intrepid Vegas party have run into "unexpected problems". Our snitch on the Strip, Paulie "The Barber" Prosselicco says: "This development will greatly embarrass the Gonads and lower their standing in the rock 'n' roll world". Gulp. It's hard to know how our standing could be any lower without going subterranean, but Paulie could not be persuaded to make any further disclosures without an exchange of dollars, and as Gal, Clyde, Shona and Miss Management cannot be contacted we have no idea what the mudda-loving hell is going on. Condition normal, then.

While we're here, a quick update: our split single with Russian punk heroes Uchitel Truda is out now on Germany's Steel Town Records who say: 'Sometimes it's really just a stone's throw between dream and reality. As a small record label, we have now been allowed to publish this beautiful piece of music history thanks to our friends from Oi The Nische records. When dreams come true and you are also a part of the oldest youth movement in the world, and you may be able to shape your story, especially to help shape it. English cult legends The Gonads team up with Moscow's Uchitel Truda, the first Russian oi! band, on this historic vinyl release." Two countries, one movement, one world, one vision! You can buy it here.

Also Gal's latest Rancid Sounds is now running on Spreaker. This show features new songs from Cock Sparrer, Chron Gen, The Novatones, The Spitfires, Louise Distras, the Old Firm Casuals Yorkshire Rats, the Gonads (natch), Blackmayne and more, with studio guests David Cairns, of Secret Affair, and Ellie Hadgraft, the poet formerly known as Annie Phetamine.

History fans can find us on the John Peel show from 1982 - 17:30 mins in... here.

June 10. We are attempting to close this blog down yet again as our IT department (Sid and Doris Jobs) still need to work on the security levels. However we can announce that a small Gonads advance party of Gal, Clyde, Wattsie and Miss Management (Wot? No Fat Col?) will be flying to Las Vegas next week to seal the deal. We will report back in a week or so.

Garry Johnson calls ecstatic about last night's election results. But the Bolshevik bard is a stern Corbynista these days and cautions: "Already the back-stabbing Blairites are crawling back , saying they'll serve in his Shadow Cabinet... Why don't he expel them from the party?" Others, including Fat Col are furiously opposed to Corbyn however and are pressing for the formation of an English Libertarian Party as "the political wing of the ELF". Stranger things...

Random Questions: why does the, ahem, 'Sheena Wittsy Witts' chapter of Fat Col's dirty book Back Street Bunk-Ups involve a candle? Why haven't the Badoes organised a new single or album to coincide with their prestigious Dropkick Murphys support slot? What numbers did Maggie's little book, referred to in Infa Riot's song 'Each Dawn I Die', actually contain? Could Joe Strummer really think of no better way to spend the night than 'speeding around underneath the yellow lights' of the Westway? And finally, who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong? These are the questions. Tune back next week for more of them.

June 8. Vegas is already causing no end of problems. Firstly, because they have inflexible employers, Phil McBadoe and Paul SkaNad will NOT be able to de-camp to Nevada for the next few months. They will be replaced for the season by Casanova Kev on lead guitar and Motorhead Andy on drums. Secondly no-one has thought to tell them any of this and the first they will know of it is when they read it here on the blog, which frankly is poor management even by Waistrel's standards. (But then he is to man management what his pal Donald Trump is to spelling bees). Gal, Clyde and Wattsie are heading out to Sin City later this month to sign the contracts in person with hotel manager Jackie 'Leathernuts' Lorenzini and check out the venue first hand. Wattsie has been awarded 'Heroine of Oi' status for sorting out the deal, in what is being seen by some observers as a snub to Miss Management; however eyebrows have been raised by suggestions from the Yanks that the show will be advertised as 'Ms Wattsie & her Gonads'. But even as we pop open the Prosecco, a new problem arises. Web mistress Battttty points out that Gal Gonad, when written down, looks a helluva lot like Gal Gadot. Steampunk Col points out "The world of topflight US celebrity only has room for one Gal - so Gonad and Gadot will have to slug it out." Our Gal says he isn't scared. "I'm not afraid of Wonder Woman," he says. "I know the Yeti - and everywhere she goes people wonder if she is a woman." He has challenged Gadot to a vindaloo-eating contest, adding "If it gets physical I will come on top... or underneath... or from behind. I'm not fussed." Meanwhile Fat Col has offered himself as a human shield. Colin will be accompanying us to Las Vegas as Wattsie's personal concubine but she says "Col will only come for two of the days every week as he has to get back to Plumstead to sign on."

The East End Badoes will support the Dropkick Murphys at their O2 Academy gig in Bournemouth on June 29 - which just goes to show the power of the Pranksters.

June 7: Update. People have been asking why this blog is shut. We can now reveal exactly why – because after months of negotiations, Wattsie Watts and her sister Shona have only gorn and landed us a summer season in LAS VEGAS! That's right, Nevada! USA! How did this small miracle come about? It seems emails came through from not one but two competing Vegas hotels addressed simply to a Ms W. Watts. Shona followed this up and as a result The Gonads will be playing four evening shows and a matinee downtown ("where the slots are looser") every week for the next three months with an option that could take us right through until November. So you won't see us at Rebellion or Undercover or Skamouth or even Glastonbollo chaps coz we'll be strutting our sexy stuff with be-feathered showgirls between all-you-can-eat buffets and nights of Texas Hold 'em, Fold 'em. Yeeha! Oi! See you Booze & Glory, Lion's Law, Terence Hayes PM & the so-called Badoes and the rest! Choke on our 'kin' dust, you c***s!

In the meantime, Gal's latest Sounds of Glory show can be found here. His next Rancid Sounds podcast will be up and running in about a fortnight.

June 1st. This blog is closing down. Yesterday we were the victims of a malicious cyber attack in the course of which the details on our band page were WIPED and REPLACED by the pre-2015 line-up of Mick Maverick, Nacho Jase and South Coast Steve. We have no idea who was responsible or what their motivation was (although we have our suspicions). But it is now necessary for us to shut up shop temporarily so repairs can be made and tighter security measures are instigated. Stay safe, kids, it's a jungle out there.

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