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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation.
As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

June 30. Today, gracing Desert Oi-Land in her leopard skin bikini is Bev Elliott – notorious punk scribe, tattooed trouble-maker, serious drinker and all-round goddess of gob. Bev complains “You’ve driven me NUTS with this one... there's only ONE thing set in stone, and that's the bloody BOOK I'd take... all else changes by the minute, let alone the day/mood, and how the hell can an old Canute of a punker like me choose eight tracks? Impossible! So - I've ended up using the list I’m having played at my funeral's 'wake-cum-punk-party' at The Ship whenever... although there'd be more than these eight for sure!”

Bev’s Discs are: My Way – Sid Vicious, Guns Of Brixton – The Clash, Anarchy In The UK – Sex Pistols, Because You’re Young – Cock Sparrer, I Drink Therefore I Am – Tommy Schitt & The Punishment Fuckers, Redemption Song – Johnny Cash & Joe Strummer, What A Wonderful World – Joey Ramone, You’re Wondering Now – The Specials.

But she adds: “Desert Oi-Land Discs may only allow eight tracks but I’d ENSURE I was wearing 'big girl period week pants' and smuggle more in because after all - rules are meant to be broken! (by ME for sure!). So in would come Reach For The Sky – Social Distortion, What’s My Number – Toots & The Maytells, Non Je Ne Regrette Rien – Edith Piaf, and Ace Of Spades – Motorhead.

Bev Elliott

Bev’s book choice is Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas – Hunter S. Thompson. Film: Suburbia, directed by Penny Spheeris. TV show: The Sopranos... “and if there’s room in the pants, probably the Twin Peaks box set and Pulp Fiction.” (Greedy girl, always wanting more. I like that in a woman. Here, lie down and let me bathe you - Ed)

Tomorrow: Chelsea Dom of the East End Badoes! Next month more BIG punk/oi/Ska names, and in due course, the entire Gonads ‘street team’, yes, including web mistress Batttttty, Fat Col, the Franken-Skin and Lord Waistrel himself...

Canadian punk band The Mahones play a free gig in Trafalgar Square tomorrow to mark Canada Day; “about six-ish”, we’re told. They come recommended by the PM and Liberty Hayes.

June 29. Historic day yesterday - not only did Buster Bloodvessel come down to the recording studios to finish off the great ‘Ska For Heroes’ Forces charity e.p., but he also baked Gal a cherry pie! You don’t get that when you work with Bono... Full details of the Buster’s Ska Battalion project will follow when this blog is back and barking, meanwhile Gal is hoping that this sparks a rash of food parcels cooked by Ska stars. Chas Smash mash! King Hammond eggs! Wakeling bacon... Go down the Pauline Black dumplings route at your peril...

Cock Sparrer

It’s Steve Bruce’s turn on the hugely popular Desert Oi-Land Discs. Not the Sunderland manager, but Cock Sparrer’s demon drummer and author of the definitive Sparrer biography Best Seat In The House.

Here are his musical choices: Green Manalishi - Fleetwood Mac, Dancing with Myself - Generation X, Ballroom Blitz - The Sweet (“ the dog’s bollocks”), New England - Kirsty McColl, Delirious - The Heavy Metal Kids, Ca Plane Pour Moi - Plastic Bertram, Love Missile F1 11 - Sigue Sigue Sputnik, School’s Out - Alice Cooper. Steve’s TV Box set would be Sharpe – “about a gang of hooligans travelling the world who get into a lot of fights supporting England”; Film: A Clockwork Orange. Book: “I think it would have to be the Bible. I've never read it but apparently it's a best seller.”

Tomorrow: Bev Elliott!

June 28. It’s the turn of Gal Gonad to delight us with his Desert Oi-Land Discs selection. Gal’s musical choices are: Liquidator – Harry J All Stars, New Rose – The Damned, Waterloo Sunset – The Kinks, Cum On Feel The Noise – Slade, Stark Raving Normal - The Blood, Folsom Prison Blues – Johnny Cash, Longshot Kick De Bucket – The Pioneers, Always On My Mind – Elvis Presley.

Gal adds: “I’d also smuggle in an i-pod, featuring Dat – Pluto Shervington, Bar Room Hero – Dropkick Murphys, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap - AC/DC, Jungleland – Bruce Springsteen, Complete Control – The Clash, When You’re Young – The Jam...” (a long list follows ranging from the Cockney Rejects to the Small Faces via The Ruts, Maiden, Smokey Robinson and The Sex Pistols; Oi, Gal, NO! You’ve got EIGHT tracks, not bleeding EIGHTY, we know it’s difficult, but that’s the bloody point – Frustrated Ed)

Gal’s book is: 1001 Fish & Seafood Recipes - hidden inside a copy of Spike Milligan’s Puckoon. Film: The Long Good Friday. TV box-set: Steptoe & Son. Tomorrow: Cock Sparrer’s Steve Bruce.

June 27. The Desert Oi-Land hammock takes a turn for the handsome with today’s guest dosser, Tony Feedback, former Angelic Upstart, resting Gonad, part-time transvestite and full-time Long Tall Shorty frontman. Here are Tone’s eight song choices: ‘All Along The Watchtower’ – Jimi Hendrix, ‘Jet Boy’ - New York Dolls, ‘Your Generation’ - Generation X, ‘Sheena Is A Punk Rocker’ – Ramones, ‘Respectable’ - The Yardbirds, ‘Guns For The Afghan Rebels’ - Angelic Upstarts, ‘Tombstone Blues’ - Bob Dylan, ‘Trouble For Me’ - Muddy Waters. “Bubbling under” are ‘That Smell’ by Lynyrd Skynyrd and ‘All By Myself’ by Johnny Thunders & The Heartbreakers.

Tony’s book choice is: Hoolies by Garry Bushell. Film: Saturday Night, Sunday morning. TV show: Top of the Pops, 1965-1978 (reserve: anything with Albert Finney). Tomorrow: Gal Gonad.

Tony Feedback

Garry Johnson
June 26. Today’s incumbent in the Desert Oi-Land hammock is the poet laureate of Oi, Garry Johnson – speed-freak rock writer, gangster of slang and much-respected authority on street culture in general. Here are Gal J’s eight musical choices: Anarchy In The UK - The Sex Pistols; Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie; Teenage Kicks - The Undertones; White Man In Hammersmith Palais - The Clash; Saturday Night Beneath The Plastic Palm Trees - The Leyton Buzzards; Joey - Bob Dylan; All The Young Dudes - Mott The Hoople; Walk On The Wild Side - Lou Reed.

Gal’s book is: The Profession Of Violence - John Pearson. Film: The Man Who Fell To Earth. TV show: Minder. Tomorrow: Tony Feedback.

June 25. Today’s Desert Oi-Land Discs star is Hoxton Tom, legendary 4-Skins founder member and youth cult guru. Tom’s songs choices: ‘Open Up Your Soul’ – Irma Franklin, ‘Good Moanin’ Blues’ – Walter ‘Shakey’ Horton, ‘Gimme Shelter’ – Rolling Stones, ‘Search & Destroy’ – Iggy & The Stooges, ‘Shake Some Action’ – Flamin Groovies (1976 single version), ‘Johnny Too Bad’ – The Slickers, ‘Maybe Tomorrow’ – The Chords, ‘I Never Want An Easy Life If Me And He Were Ever To Get There’ – The Charlatans. (Tom also asks for these additional songs and we aren’t going to argue with him: ‘I Am The Resurrection’ – Stone Roses, ‘Thirty Days In The Hole’ – Humble Pie, ‘You Got It – Etta James)

Tom’s book is: A Place of Greater Safety by Hilary Mantel; film: either the Godfather 1 or 2, and TV show: The Wire.

Tomorrow, Garry Johnson.

|Hoxton Tom

Record noos! Available now: The Jons' seven-inch colour vinyl single 'Oi! Jack' b/w '7 O'Clock' > (Pirates Press)... Against Me!'s new 7inch 'Russian Spies' b/w 'Occult Enemies' (Sabot Records)... The Dipsomaniacs' album 'Gambrinus' (Mad Butcher)

June 24. Today’s pod-cast didn’t go as well as it might have done. Gal had arranged a fantastic show – with a live acoustic session from Tommy Schitt & The Punishment Fuckers and quality songs from Headcase, The Dipsomaniacs and more. But he and Bev Elliott got to the Total Rock Radio studios in Denmark Street to find a building that was “utterly gutted and deserted”. It was, he said later, “like the fall of Saigon.” Turns out the station had relocated overnight to Shoreditch, no doubt to avoid the bailiffs. Said Gal “I was talking to them only the week before last, they might have mentioned it.” Malcolm Dome’s apology (“Didn’t Tony tell you?”) has yet to calm the raging fury in the Gonadian breast. Anyway, Gal and Bev made for the nearest pubs, none of which was open, and took refuge in swigging Belgian cider in the alley next to the 12 Bar, “like a pair of winoes”. It was then that Kirk Brandon arrived attempting to throw coins in their hats, followed swiftly by Barnet Mark with his camera, who has promised to start a punk rock dossers page on facebook in their honour. Kirk showed us his vintage Theatre of Hate guitar and his operation scars, then the Tommy Schitt lads turned up from Brixton, SW2, and belted out an impromptu acoustic set in the 12 Bar. This included new song ‘S-Trouble-You-Too’, the blinding ‘’Shandy Boys’ and ‘Geezer Bird’, which they claim was inspired by Sharron Stiletto (opening line: ‘Bish, bosh, I was having a nosh...’). Bev filmed it and it may appear on YouTube in days to come. The pod-cast will be rescheduled, somewhere and somehow. Watch this space for details.

June 24. Desert Oi-Land Discs # 2, with Cockney Reject guitar legend Micky Geggus.
The songs: ‘Seven Seas Of Rhye’ – Queen; ‘More Than A Feeling’ – Boston; ‘Complete Control’ - the Clash; ‘This Flight Tonight’ – Nazareth; ‘EMI’ - Sex Pistols; ‘Dance The Night Away’ - Van Halen; ‘Sick As A Dog’ – Aerosmith; ‘What Is & What Should Never Be’ - Led Zeppelin. Mick’s film is Godfather II. Book: Hammer Of The Gods by Stephen Davis. TV show: The World At War.

Tomorrow: Hoxton Tom.

Mickey Geggus

June 23. Mixed news filters back from Moscow. Yesterday, our contact’s contacts met with Comrade Promoter who indicated that yes he would like the Gonads to play selected Russian gigs this Autumn. Planes and hotels would be booked, vodka laid on, and cash paid in advance. So far, so good. But then.... “Then,” says our man in Red Square, “he opened his briefcase and produced some photos... he had a rare picture of Wattsie Watts in a skirt from your recent Maiden’s Head concert – hey, nice pins - a picture of Kiria on stage with you all in North London, a photograph of Antonia Moore posing with Gal and one of Allyson Maverick with an England flag. He said, ‘I want this one, this one, this one, and this one’. We explained that the women although wonderful were not actually in the band at the moment, and he jabbed a finger at a photo of the FrankenSkin and said, ‘Okay this one too, the pretty one’.” This puts us in a bit of quandary. Does Frankie go out there with Wattsie, Allyson, Kiria and Antonia, and perform a capella strangulations? Or do we snub Comrade Promoter, who may or may not have links with the Russian Mafia? What would piss him off more? The Beast was undecided. “Best we send out someone expendable to finish off negotiations,” he said. At which point Fat Col went into hiding.

This blog is still ‘resting’, but for your edification, titillation and delight today we are launching a new occasional feature called Desert Oi-Land Discs, wherein leading Punk/Oi/Mod/2-Tone personalities reveal which eight songs they’d take with them if stranded on a desert island. They can also take one book, one movie and a TV box-set. First up is André Schlesinger, ex of The Press, and currently the face of New York’s moodily magnificent Maninblack.

André’s song-list is: ‘The Raven’ - The Stranglers, ‘Halo Of Flies’ - Alice Cooper, ‘Me! I Disconnect From You’ - Gary Numan & Tubeway Army, ‘Tucker's Ruckers Ain’t No Suckers’ - The Gonads, ‘Pretty Vacant’ - Sex Pistols, ‘Both Ends Burning’ - Roxy Music - ‘I Only Have Eyes For You’ - The Flamingos, and ‘Doomsday’ (Doctor Who, original soundtrack) - Murray Gold.

His book choice is SAS Survival Handbook: How to Survive in the Wild, in Any Climate, on Land or at Sea, by John ‘Lofty’ Wiseman. Film: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. TV series: Battlestar Galactica (re-imagined series, circa 2004 - 2009). Tomorrow: Micky Geggus!

June 21. Stand by, Pranksters, in-coming: the PM makes his appearance on Channel 4’s Four Rooms tonight, and no doubt a magnificent TV career will follow. We look forward to seeing him on Come Dine With Me, with “whatsisname, whatsername and wossname”. Picture the scene: it’s Tel's turn to cook and the other contestants arrive expecting a feast of the finest Poplar Boy culinary delights (eels, faggots, pickled gherkins etc) only to find that the engagement has slipped his mind and their jovial host is on his way to Colchester...(C4 researchers of course had no idea that they were dealing with the Perfect Master of the UK Jolly Pranksters, and indeed few outside of the brotherhood understand exactly how significant Tel’s new, elevated status is. Scrotum, Lord Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer, whispers: “A Perfect Master is one ’oose limited individual consciousness ’as merged with that of the Great Architect ’isself and is therefore privy to the hinnermost mysteries of the universe.” Scrotum would say no more for fear of “ending up ’anging from Blackfriars Bridge with some nasty black balls, know what I mean?” (No – Ed). But remember that when you see the PM down the New Den with a pint in one hand and a pukka curry pie in the other, contrary to all outward appearances, this man is at one with the Almighty.

We’re still on shut down, but while we’re here this looks like a top quality event: the 1970 Reggae Soul Revival weekender (8th/9th July) – two days of prime 60s reggae and soul at the Westcoast, Margate. Weekend tickets are sixteen squid in advance from

Random stuff: Slaughter & The Dogs are now headlining Day Two of 2,000 Tons Of TNT... the Gonads will not be appearing at Chicago’s Riot Fest in October, due to “negotiation hiccups”, but The Business will be... The King Blues play a six date UK mini-tour in November.

Slowly and inscrutably we move towards the long-mooted Russian gig. Our contact, Paul Hallam (the “Stalin of Style”), has got Moscow Mods meeting the Moscow Skins at midnight tonight in the shadow of Lenin’s tomb to discuss terms. News may well follow. If the gig does go ahead, Fat Col thinks we should bring along his mate Mr Patel from Plumstead. Why?, we ask. “Well,” he says. “There’s yer KGB agents, yer CIA agents, yer MI6 agents. It makes sense to take our own newsagent.” Idiot.

AC/DC will release a collectors’ edition Monopoly board-game in the Autumn, which will come with an AC/DC track, playing pieces and challenges. In a slightly related story, a few copies of the extremely rare travel edition of the Bushell On The Box board-game are available from Nads HQ, Whitstable. Email Waistrel for details, or see Gal behind the whelk stall.

London Club Ska are holding a ‘21st Century Ska’ mini-festival on Saturday (25th June) at Club 85 in Hitchin, featuring Semi Skinned, The Skanx, 20 Dead Camels, The Cover Up and One Drop. Tickets £8, on sale now from

Gonads HQ is relocating to the Kent coast. The blog will return in due course.

June 18 Update: Enthusiasts of the Jolly Pranksters endorsed sport of spaghetti-juggling were dealt a cruel blow by the Guinness Book Of Records yesterday. Guinness officials have outrageously refused to recognise spaghetti-juggling as a legitimate event, saying “we think that this item is a little too specialised for a body of reference as general as ours...we think you will appreciate that we are bound to favour those which reflect the greatest interest.” An enraged Effete El retorts: “What greater interest can there be than spaghetti-juggling? It was how Churchill kept awake and alert during the darkest days of World War II. What will they snub next? Ferret-tickling? Barmaid-stripping? It’s political correctness gone mad.” Spaghetti-juggling organiser John Fleming adds: "My lifelong dreams of spaghetti-juggling becoming a recognised, legitimate sport may have been dented, but they will not be so easily crushed. The stupidity and pointlessness of an idea should be no barrier to its acceptance as an event. This is Britain, where stupidity and pointlessness have been widely cherished for centuries.” Here, here. On the bright side, the sport will be given a proper public display at the Edinburgh Fringe this August. Brother Pranksters are encouraged to support the event where possible.

Don’t forget Symarip play London’s 100 Club tonight; and if you’re after something noisier, punk legends Menace are on up the road at the Dublin Castle, Camden, with Insane Society, 16 Guns and Shag Nasty.

A distraught Sharron Slutt contacts us to report that she has been forced to change her surname by deed poll to Stiletto “due to the recent spate of middle class student girls dressing like prostitutes and partaking in Slut Walks – they are giving us real women a bad name.” Shazza also complains: “You’ve given the wrong contact details for me, and my customers are getting confused. My number is listed in every phone box in Curzon Street and also in Mr. Patel’s shop in Shepherds Market.” Nice. Funny though she/he no doubt is, we are slightly concerned about Sharron’s mental state. A mutual friend close to Wild Mutation reveals that when in character, Shazza speaks in a ‘feminine’ voice, refuses to answer to Tony, and will only use the Ladies toilets. She was last seen being pursued through the streets of Hull by an amorous sound-man. Strange Town indeed.

Henry Rollins has been signed up to host a new US TV show called Animal Underworld. It will feature people who own exotic animals – and people who eat them. Some reference to trouser pythons and the Nosher would no doubt follow if Fat Col were around. Mercifully he isn’t. The Nosher once called us and said: “My dog’s penis tastes bitter, do you know what causes that?” The woman’s sick in the head.

Random news: Aussie punks the Hard-Ons play the Garage, Highbury Corner on June 25th, with supports Peter & The Test-Tube Babies... Lou Reed has recorded an album with Metallica... Irish thrashers Gama Bomb are writing a new album of “music street gangs could listen to before a fight, songs you can sharpen a switchblade to.” The band have had to recruit a temporary stand-in for lead guitarist Domo following a “bizarre trouser accident”. And who hasn’t had one of those?

June 14. This blog is closing down temporarily due to the tiresome demands of the real world. Our next confirmed gig is at the Garage, North London on August 13th with Agincourt and the resurgent Heavy Metal Kids. All profits to BLESMA (the British Limbless Ex Servicemen Association) – a very good cause indeed. We hope to confirm gigs in the Black Forest, Moscow and Soho for later this year. Check the news page for actual news. We’ll be back soon. Meanwhile, available to book now in the UK and internationally: Club Oi, with your choice of DJs including Stinky Turner and Gal. Perfect for club nights, private parties, scooter rallies etc. For bookings, contact – serious enquiries (and wannabe groupies) only please.

Back in stock: the Franken-Skin saw-blade (split single with SpringtOifel), a rare collectible now available again from the Nads shop page.

June 13. Genuine opera star Ben Bevan came along to Forest Hill today to add his magnificent vocals to the ‘Men Of Harlech’ section of the ‘Ska For Heroes’ ep. This charity project looks like raising a shed-load of money for forces-related charities when it is released in August. To celebrate, Surrey prankster supremo Paul Hallam (‘the Stalin of Style’) threw a lavish party in Shoreditch attended by youth cult guru Eddie Piller, Mod authority Richard Barnes, Small Faces author Paulo Hewitt, actor Eddie Webber, IT Club star Matt Berry and many more clean-cut faces. The PM sadly couldn’t make it as he was busy at home writing his first-ever paperback – ‘The Little Book Of Hooky Excuses (or 1001 Ways To Let Down Your Mates)’, but the Straw Hayes put in a sparkling appearance. By an eerie coincidence, the chef was in an Italian punk band, he’s a major Gonads fan and is now busy setting up a gig for us over there – and here’s what made us laugh, the name of his band was...The Crushed Testicles. Seriously! Matters arising from the knees-up included: 1) a plan to trick Tony Feedback along to an Intervention to save him from his Sharron Slutt alter ego and restore his dignity, 2) the formation of an all-Mod lodge of the Jolly Pranksters to be based in Bethnal Green 3) a renewed effort on the Benny Hill statue front and 4) a brave and inspired decision by Piller to offer his services to UKIP – “the only political party worth a light” - and “make them electable”. According to Fit Bird, it was all going well with beer a-flying and steaks a-frying until Matt, a fervent Amnesty campaigner, remembered Gal’s part in The Execution of Gary Glitter docu-drama (“String ’im up!” - Fat Col). Oh well, you can’t please everyone.

Earlier in the day, Gal finished off the mix of new Nads anthem ‘Indestructible Wolves’ with the help of Steve Whale and Jeniera Blade. This hellish vision of werewolves mating with dogs to produce a race of half-canine half-man hybrids (blame the cheese Gal eats at bed-time) is described as “tough, menacing but also melodic”. And here’s Steve’s verdict on our other new number, ‘Backstreet Army’: “excellent, you’ve really captured the real Gonads early sound... pure punk for row people.”

This Saturday, 18th June: the mighty Symarip play Club Ska at the 100 Club, with supports: New Groove Formation and the Paradimes. All together: “I want all you skinheads!”

Coming soon, an irregular blog feature, Desert Oi-Land Disc. Leading punks and oi-oi herberts reveal their eight most cherished songs...

We hear that Jimmy Pursey is refusing to appear at any punk/skin festivals. Apparently, Jim wants to “branch out to a wider audience.” Good luck with that, mate. Maybe try some more of that ballet dancing...

Saxby from the Warriors tells us that they will be dropping their ‘Garry Bushell’ song from their set “because some people don’t get the joke. If it wasn’t for Gal, a lot of bands wouldn’t still be going.” “Good call”, says Effete El, “thickoes were taking it seriously.” The Saxby Pants Appeal is now suspended.

The Bermondsey Joyriders are supporting Marky Ramone at London’s Islington Academy on June 26th; performance poet and former MC5 manager John Sinclair will join them to “provide live spoken word” (or as normal people say, to speak a bit.)

June 13. Frequently Asked Questions: When will the Gonads Greater Hits Volume II album be released? Probably next year. We are in talks with a couple of labels, including our ‘gute freunde’ at Randale. This is a slow process, involving semaphore signals, Morse code and carrier pigeons. Continents move at greater speed. In the meantime, forces charity ep ‘Ska For Heroes’ by Buster Gonad’s Ska Battalion will be available to download in early August – all proceeds to the Erskine Hospital, the Royal Chelsea Hospital and Help4Heroes.

What has happened to the Cockney Rejects film written by Gal and Mick Geggus? Getting a movie made is an even slower process than communicating with German record companies, but we have got talent attached and a couple of producers have expressed strong interest in the project. The Rejects documentary is definitely on schedule for release next February.

When is the thirtieth anniversary Oi album coming out? Contra Records have assured us the album will be released in August, ahead of Rebellion, and only world-weary cynics would doubt them...

What has happened to Gal’s solo album? ‘Beyond The Minge’ is largely written but again GB is in talks with various labels about financing it amd releasing it in 2012. Fit Bird has heard the demos and tells us, “It’s definitely at the ‘Oi Mate’ end of Gonadery – Cockney, funny and largely Ska-based, with lashings of brass and a side order of sauce, know what I mean?” We probably do. Although “lashings of brass” sounds like something Max Mosley might enjoy.

Was the song ‘Franken-Skin’ based on Frankie ‘Boy’ Flame? Certainly not. The very idea! Frankie is a good friend of the Gonads and we would not stoop to such despicable behaviour.

Why was the Franken-Skin AWOL from Saturday night’s gig? As we suspected the scary one wasn’t “on strike”, as he claimed; he was actually moonlighting with some dubious AC/DC tribute band. A furious Beast has fined him one week’s wages (two roast oxen and a vestal virgin) and given him a written warning (which he can’t actually read, being an illiterate monster with his nuts in his neck.)

How can I contact Sharron Slutt? Easy, just go to

And finally, Nads Fest – is that just a pipe dream? Watch this space and tremble, o ye snivelling unbelievers.

This Saturday (18th June): punk & Oi all-dayer at the Snooty Fox, Wakefield. Superyob + Black Marias + seven more, from 2pm; £7 on door. Get in!

Record noos. Out this week: the debut single from Noi!se ‘Walk Beside Us’ (colour vinyl 7” from Durty Muck). And posh boy Frank Turner’s rather good ‘England Keep My Bones’ album.

June 12. Last night’s gig at the Maiden’s Head was “like a scene out of ID or Green Street with a punk rock sound track,” according to cuddly Kent comic Dave Lee, while the ravishing Wattsie O’Watts likened the crowd to “a cross between Fight Club and One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.” It was the sort of place where, if you’d headbutted a passing stranger, a good lawyer could have probably got you off on a plea that you were merely trying to fit in with local customs. We’re only taking the piss, of course. The audience may have looked like a convention of middle-aged psychopaths but their actual mood was rowdily good-natured. For us, though, the night was as frustrating as pulling Pippa Middleton only to find she’s got the painters in...and Farmer Giles to boot. No monitors, no stage, no Franken-Skin, no merch, no concept of time-keeping....FFS! We went on 80 minutes late, at 11.20pm, and played an hour set to a crowd who made a crew of sailors on shore-leave look like teetotal monks. Gal laughs: “The funniest thing was because there was no stage or security barriers, drunks were wandering up and having a chat between songs. One bloke kept coming up and hilariously requesting Clash covers (how about ‘Long Time Jerk’, just for you?), one bird wanted to tell me her life-story, another woman came up mid-song and raved about how good Jason was. Yeah, thanks luv, but we’re trying to play a ’kin set here.” Nacho Jase was more than good, however - he was man of the match for keeping things together. Big Gonads love to Chaos Davey, and to all who came, especially Stinky Turner, Dave Lee (fat bastard!) and family, Effete El, the Fighting Poove, Dave Maverick, and la belle Wattsie who joined us for a particularly shambolic version of ‘Infected’ (Quote of the night, from Wattsie: “Isn’t this supposed to be a Ska song?” YES it fecking well is!) Thanks due too to MK Dons super-hoolie Allyson who was flag-girl for ‘British Steel’. Plans to belt out new number ‘Backstreet Army’ were abandoned due to the monitor situation, and Jase, South Coast Steve and a German cucumber were last seen pitching a tent in a field of sheep – we can feel a song coming on... ‘cu, cu, I just want you/tell me when it’s safe for a chew...’ PS. One geriatric skinhead clocked Dave Lee, walked over cockily and said: “Here, you’re Dave Lee, you’re the one who wears dresses.” Dave shot back: “Don’t get too turned on, mate.” Exit skin, crest-fallen.

Fat Col gag of the week: “I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be scared of a fuckin’ cucumber.”

Effete El emails to ask: ‘When are the fucking Warriors going to drop that ‘Garry Bushell’ song? Gal ain’t worked at The Sun since 2001. It’s as out of date as Saxby’s underpants.’ Quite how El knows what pants Saxby wears is open to question, but maybe he has a point. Gal doesn’t mind the dim-witted ditty – he played it on his ITV show back in the day, giving the Warriors their only ever TV coverage, and as Fit Bird says “It all adds to the legend, dunnit?” But what exactly is the song on about? The lyrics, written in 1995/6 by our old mate Arthur ‘Bilko’ Kay, claim that Gal “sold his soul to the Sun”. Let’s look at the evidence. Garry quit Sounds in 1984 to write Iron Maiden’s authorised biography Running Free. Throughout 1985, he managed The Blood while writing about bands, including Quo and Maiden, in the The Daily Mirror, The Sun and the London Evening Standard, as well as books on youth cults and Twisted Sister, and writing the Waistrel column for Sounds. Pausing to mastermind Ferry Aid’s Number 1 single, Gal launched his Bushell On The Box TV column in 1987. Was this the point the alleged sell-out occurred? Traditionally people sell their soul for fortunes, not to write about Only Fools & Horses! The argument has more holes in it than the aforementioned Saxby undercrackers. Garry Johnson says: “I could never understand whether that Warriors song was motivated by jealousy or just stupidity, or because no-one other than Gal would have ever written about a band like them in the rock press and they felt left out. Is it change in itself that they are against? If he’d become a sports reporter would that have qualified as soul-selling too? I’m confused.” We all are, Gal. But being big-hearted, we will be starting an appeal immediately to raise money to buy Saxby a new song (‘Saxby’s Saggies’?) and some much needed new pants. Those old man paisley y-fronts have got to go.

Those greatest Bushell-bashing songs in full: 1) Press Darlings – Adam Ant 2) Hurry Up Garry – Crass 3) Garry Bushell’s Band Of The Week – The Notsensibles (not technically a Bushell-basher, but we’ll let that pass – Ed) 4) The Man Who Came In From The Beano – Angelic Upstarts 5) Singalonga-Bushell – The Exploited 6) Sounds Like Sounds – The Head 7) This Charming Man – The Smiths (Are you sure? – Ed). And let’s not forget the short-lived tribute band, Garry Bushell’s Bum...

US whispers: Tim Armstrong’s writing a musical...Blink 182 release their new album mid-September...New Found Glory have just finished recording theirs...Sham 69 are off the bill for 2,000 Tons of TNT after US skins dubbed the Parsons-less combo “Scam 69”

Control’s new skinhead song video here.

June 11. What ho, chums. If you’re coming to tonight’s gig, the racket kicks off at 8pm and we’re on stage from 10pm – 11pm (ish). Unfortunately there will be no FrankenSkin as Frank has thrown a wobbly and is refusing to appear on stage again until he is given his own private dressing room. Bloody diva! Although frankly, Frankie, this doesn’t ring true and we reckon you’re up to something else...

Tommy Schitt and the Punishment Fuckers will guest on Gal’s next pod-cast, recorded in a fortnight or so.

Pauline Black’s autobiography, Black By Design, is published on August 4th. Copies can be pre-ordered from Amazon and Waterstones. More details here.

June 10. Let there be rock history: AC/DC’s brand new DVD, 'AC/DC: Let There Be Rock' features previously unreleased footage from the band’s December 9, 1979 concert at Pavillon De Paris in France - the last filmed event to feature the late great Bon Scott before the great man’s death on February 19, 1980. As well as the live set, the DVD features interviews with Lemmy, Rick Allen, Billy Corgan and Scott Ian among others. Full track listing: ‘Live Wire’, ‘Shot Down In Flames’, ‘Hell Ain't A Bad Place To Be’, ‘Sin City’, ‘Walk All Over You’, ‘Bad Boy Boogie’, ‘The Jack’, ‘Highway To Hell’, ‘Girls Got Rhythm’, ‘High Voltage’, ‘Whole Lotta Rosie’, ‘Rocker’ and ‘Let There Be Rock’.

June 9. Here's a sight to make the Taliban turn and run: the prettier half of Wild Mutation, featuring (from left to right) Jenny Drag, Shanne Bradley from the Nips, cross-dressing cock-tease Sharron Slutt and a rather knackered looking Spizz.

Together with Marc Pearson of the Glitter Band and Roland Gift they raised more than £12,000 for cancer research at their Saturday night charity gig at The Springhead in Hull. (Technically it was in a suburb called Analby - insert your own Ben Dover reference here). Shockingly the sight of Shazza in full drag caused one woman to swoon. Sharron tells us "she was so smitten she needed two people to support her at all times!" (And someone else to hold her guide dog - Ed). Even more surprisingly the very feminine Jenny from the Priscillas got accosted in the ladies by some dozy boiler saying, "Oh, I thought you were all men dressed up as women." Their Friday night warm-up gig in Golders Green was also a success. Says Shazza: "Apparently the audience included a 'who's who' of punk rock personalities, but I was too busy fending off fans to notice. Bizarrely, the male ones always start with the line 'I'm not gay but...'." Sounds like the entire audience should've gone to Specsavers. The Wild Mutation set consisted of Bowie songs, a couple of Mick Ronson numbers, Alice Cooper's 'No More Mr Nice Guy', and Spizz's 'Where's Captain Kirk?'

Random arse: the first two bands are confirmed for next year's London Int Ska Fest: Neol Davies, aka The Selecter, and the mighty Hotknives (original line-up)... Argy-Bargy are currently writing their new album, which they'll record over the next couple of months... Don't forget the Great Skinhead Reunion is in Brighton this weekend.

June 8. No, your eyes weren’t deceiving you – that was Si Spanner on Channel 4’s Four Rooms antique show last night, and that was a trailer of the PM himself who appears in a future programme. Former Gonads manager Si was selling a nifty looking Victorian penny arcade shock machine (which once stood in the fabled Hall of Wind-ups inside Prankster Grand Lodge), while the PM’s item is much more punk rock. As both men are senior pranksters their appearances have stoked rumours that the brethren are about to break cover and “go public”, but we are assured that this is not the case. Effete El, who also appears this series using his real name, tells us: “Pranksters are dealers by instinct, we live to trade, many of the brethren are market men, bookies and auctioneers by profession, haggling is second nature to us, just as wind-ups, stunts, hoaxes and elaborate capers are. Several brethren are featured on this series, unbeknown to the producers. But rest assured we will not be ‘coming out’ as Pranksters just yet, we value our privacy too much for that. We remain an esoteric society with secrets. That is all.” So mote it be.

We’re getting considerably pissed off with foreign record companies who contact us about albums and/or tracks and/or merch and then vanish into the ether for weeks, sometimes months on end. Listen, you Muppets, you came to us! If we then reply with standard questions have the decency to get back to us in a reasonable time. That’s not much to ask is it? Poop or get off the pot, you time-wasting bastards. Half of you clowns couldn’t run a whelk stall let alone a ’kin punk rock label. At least our mind-blowing, hard-punching, love-munching ‘Live In Charlton’ official bootleg double album will be released in due course on the prestigious, and very English, Ministry Of Delusion label, catalogue number: M.O.D. #1.

June 7. Lined up potentially for next year’s Punk Rock Bowling Tournament: the Angelic Upstarts, the Gonads and the Cockney Rejects – “the Holy Trinity of hooligan rock, the triumvirate of terrace punk, the undisputed oligarchs of oi” (etc etc)... watch this space for confirmation, and Viva Las Vegas!

2011 Punk Rock Bowling Update. The bowling winners were 1) BC Smoke Shop 2) Rockaway Tavern 3) Double Down Devils 4) Team Danza 5) Septic Breath. (What? No Bev Elliott??) Missing from Dom’s gig report but worthy of mention for a great show were our old mates the Reducers SF who delighted the crowd on Day Three; blinding on Day Two were the Bouncing Souls who treated the pogoing throng to ‘Punks In Vegas’; and from Day One, the only reggae/Ska act on the bill, the mighty Aggrolites.

The Harlow Help 4 Heroes gig raised a whopping £1200 for the charity, with more still coming in from raffles and CD sales. Well done, lads! Next year there will be two H4H oi/punk events – one in Essex, one down Swindon way; both over the weekend of June 2nd and 3rd.

Monkish play their fifth anniversary gig at the 12 Bar Club, Denmark Street, on Thursday with support from Anarchistwood and Oiz II Men, along with some burlesque courtesy of Miss Elle Revel, and a few numbers by our old mate Max Splodge, of Splodgenessabounds infamy. In addition, Bradders will be DJ’ing so expect some obscure punk gems. Expect some guest appearances from past Monkish personnel too. The band will play their debut album ‘You Can't Polish a Turd’ in its entirety.

Fat Col calls to issue a statement on behalf of the RCSPA (Revolutionary Conservative Skinheads & Punks Association) condemning “the paralysing blight of so-called political correctness” which he says “emanates from the UK music scene’s left-liberal establishment and its dupes”. We ask about our missing lager, and the phone goes mysteriously dead. So we ring his home number and are surprised when it is answered not by Gannon but by a familiar if unexpected voice. “Col can’t come to the phone,” says the Nosher (for it is she!). “’E’s ill in bed.” Yeah. Hang-over, no doubt. Thieving fat bastard. (Ed’s query, Fat Col’s surname, is it Gannon, Gammon or Gannet?)

June 6. A mixed day yesterday. We started in the recording studio in a lackadaisical fashion, with most of the band running on ‘Contra Records time’. The first big blow of the day was the absence of the studio beer rider, which had been left with Fat Col for safe-keeping. Leaving lager with Col is like leaving doughnuts with Homer Simpson, neither it nor the fat fool turned up. This resulted in the first entirely sober Gonads recording session for many a year. We were then let down by two guest vocalists, one because of an unavoidable family tragedy, the other through being a walking, talking personal tragedy. A mighty big thanks to McMighty, however, who came along as guest guitarist. New stormer ‘Backstreet Army’ was recorded and mixed (ace guitar break from Nacho) with backing vox from the Charlton Boys (cheers to Chris, Jel, Dave and Frazzle), and ‘Indestructible Wolves’ was demoed before time ran out and it was on to the CCC for some pre-show liveners. The gig was an absolute triumph, the finest Charlton has seen, according to one informed observer, since The Who played the Valley back in the 70s. Our thanks to publican ‘Eleven Bob’ Paul, to the local pranksters and the many Charlton Loyal who made the show – especially our friends from the East Stand, the Old Covered End, and of course ‘B’ Block. The set, delivered with Valiants venom, was: Punk Rock Till I Die, It's A Yeti, Alconaut, Oi Mate, Gob, Grant Mitchell, Oily Rag (extended version), The Growler, Infected, Rob A Bank, Hey You, Jobs Not Jails, SE7 Dole Day, Franken-Skin, I Lost My Love To A UK Sub, British Steel, Tucker’s Ruckers, Pink Tent. First encore: That’s Oi, England’s Glory, Valhallaballoo, Second encore: Charlton Warrior, Valley Floyd Road (with crowd), Threes Up Muvva Brown (with crowd). Third encore: Beki Bondage Please. Tattooed Love Girl. Alconaut. At one point, while FB attended to technical issues Mick Maverick did an impromptu two minute bass solo. It was such a big sound it made the beer froth in the Charlton boys’ glasses! An official bootleg may be available later this year. Franken-Skin took scores of pictures and they will appear, along with a full gig report, in the Great Gonads Annual #1, a book project that will be financed and published by the Ministry Of Delusion. After the show, came the party, and then the late night ruby (although only Gal, Mick and Allyson Maverick made it that far.) Special thanks to the Nosher, whose gob was cruelly likened to a crimson croquet hoop by FB. Never has one mouth been responsible for so much joy for so many in such little time.

The Gonads SE7 gig rider: two crates Stella, one crate Harvey’s Best, ten bottles light ale; ten packs pork scratchings, one jar pickled eggs, two doz somosas, assorted rolls and sandwiches, one bottle Jack Daniels, one bottle Jagermeister, one bottle vodka, no salad.

Disturbing rumours circulated about Jason and South Coast Steve sharing a tent ‘top to tail’ in Milton Keynes. But all talk of a poison cucumber up the arse must surely be discounted as malicious gossip.

More word on Terry Hayes solo ep. As well as ‘Lions Pride’, the PM’s tracks are likely to include ‘Ammonia Facewash’, ‘SCF’, ‘Memory Man’, and ‘Colchester Cabbie’. It will be produced by scene veteran Stan Cutter. Meanwhile, out this week is the Harrington Saints/Booze & Glory split crossed-hammer shaped die-cut 12" single (from Pirates Press; $16 – do the maths).

June 5. Here at last is Chelsea Dom’s eagerly awaited, but disappointingly booze-free Punk Rock Bowling report: ‘Bright light city gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire…’, so says the song, providing an apt introduction for my first trip to Vegas and the legendary Punk Rock Bowling tournament. After a 10+ hour trip, our party of three (myself, Oi Oi Gazza & the luscious Lynsey) embarked into the blistering desert heat. The first few days were spent getting used to the 8-hour time difference and our mind-boggling surroundings, before relocating to the vicinity of the bowling at Sam’s Town. This, it transpired, was a few miles out of town; the actual gigs were around the Fremont Street area, just off the top of The Strip. The whole event used to be housed at Sam’s, but the bowling now seems to have become a sideshow to the gigs. In addition to the trek back into town for the gigs, all tickets (main festival + pre/after shows) had to be picked-up from a central location near the venues. This meant people having to queue for more than three hours...not a good start to the weekend. By pure luck, we managed to swerve the queue and soon found ourselves in the Azul Tequila club for Friday’s pre-show in time for the Swingin’ Utters. (Not to be confused with The Utter Swingers, whose interests vary considerably). The band put on a great opening set for the gigs to follow, finishing with ‘The Streets of San Francisco’. Due to lack of communication about passes, we didn’t make it into Saturday’s gig until SLF were most of the way through their set. This consisted of the usual classics, sung by an ever-porkier Jake Burns (new name, Sausage-Like Fingers, maybe?). The night was finished off with a fine set from the Dropkicks, playing numbers from the new album ‘Going Out in Style’ and ending with a rousing version of ‘Skinhead on the MBTA’, which merged into a proper rock-out of ‘TNT’ with many of the crowd on stage. We also made it late to the gig the following night, eventually making it for Me First & the Gimme-Gimmes. First time I’ve seen this band, who play fun, up-tempo tongue in cheek covers. My personal faves were ‘Rocket Man’ (why no dedication to Watford Jon?) and ‘Ghost Riders in the Sky’. Next up were The Descendents, who despite their seminal status, didn’t really do much for me. The after show at Azul Tequil featured one of the weekend’s highlights, a tribute band like no other - Cunt Sparrer! Like a true (shock) trooper, despite being confined to a wheelchair due to a back injury, the singer/keyboard player made it on stage. Along with the acoustic guitarist and minimalist drum kit (suitcase for bass drum), the female trio took us through a set of Sparrer numbers with enthusiastic audience participation (us). Then it was on to the Country Saloon for what was supposed to be a secret headliner - the worst kept Giggs secret since Ryan. The Street Dogs hit the ground running with the best gig I’ve seen them play, smashing through top songs including ‘Toby’s Got a Drinking Problem’ and ‘Up the Union’. Sparrer took the stage and the crowd went ballistic, right from the opening chords of ‘Riot Squad’ to the finale of ‘We’re Coming Back’.

On the final day we managed to get to the main show earlier, in time for Manic Hispanic to entertain us with their Mexicanised versions of punk classics. I didn’t catch much of the Dwarves, although ‘He Who Cannot Be Named’ made an appearance at the end of the set (I have to say Pete, oops, looks much different when fully clothed). Whilst I have my views on politics, government oppression etc etc, I have a bit of an issue with bands that like to preach so self-righteously and Leftover Crack fall firmly into this category, with their screechy whiney racket. Not really my cup of cocoa. Killing Joke pulled out, so Agnostic Front took their place and despite initially suffering from poor sound, they soon got the crowd going. Their set nodded to the old school of hardcore/streetpunk crossover with a cover of Iron Cross’s ‘Crucified’ and as ever the highlight was ‘Gotta Go’. Finally with Sparrer waiting in the wings, the banner unfurled to huge cheers, followed by the usual intro and crowd going into a frenzy for the opening chords of ‘Riot Squad’. Again the band delivered, playing all the favourites from Shock Troops (‘Where are They Now?’), back to the early days (‘Runnin’ Riot’, ‘Chip on My Shoulder’), through latter classics (‘Because You’re Young’) and onto the latest album (‘Get a Rope’). All in all a great weekend (or week for some of us) - I think I must be the first person ever to have returned from Vegas and lost weight, although in truth not a single burger passed my lips! (Yeah but what about the ’kin’ bowling? – Frustrated Ed)

June 3. Anyone coming to the secret gig this weekend should contact Fat Col for final rendezvous instructions. We will be meeting in That Charlton Place for a pre-show tipple before moving on to the open air event. It is SE7 but it won’t be a Dull Day. Meanwhile Nacho, Mick and South Coast Steve are preparing for Sunday’s early doors recording session by going on a twelve hour bender in Milton Keynes tomorrow. That’s the true Gonads spirit boys.

Clyde Ward has demoed new Gal/Clyde penned Nads anthem ‘Rise Up, England’ with guide vocals by the great Kid Punk. Expect the finished version on the next studio album.

Modern Mod promoters the New Untouchables are bringing ‘Stax!’ to London. The Stax band features Steve Cropper and Duck Dunn of Booker T & the MGs plus genuine soul legend Eddie Floyd on vocals. The MGs were the house band at Stax Records throughout the sixties, playing on sublime hits from Otis Redding, Sam & Dave and Wilson Pickett. Steve Cropper wrote or co-wrote some of the most famous songs in history including ‘In The Midnight Hour’, ‘Green Onions’, ‘Soul Man’, ‘Time is Tight’, ‘Soul Limbo’ (TV’s cricket theme), ‘Knock on Wood’, ‘(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay’ and many more. You can expect to hear all of these monster Stax smashes and loads more at the gig at The Venue, Portland Street, on 27th July. Completing the line-up are Lester Snell (Isaac Hayes band) on Hammond B3 and Steve Potts on drums. Tickets here.

Scientists have created an artificial brain with 12 seconds of short-term memory. Strewth, that's twice as long as Gal’s, and three times as long as Tel’s...

Random news: Green Day are working on a new “hi energy” album... the PM has nearly finished writing his four track solo ep, working title ‘Lions’ Pride’... and our correspondents are finally back from the Punk Rock Bowling extravaganza, so the review should be imminent...

June 2. Okay, here’s some news that sounds like it really should be on the Ministry Of Delusion page. Wattsie Watts tells us she will be producing Oi The Panto this Christmas – and that Fat Col is helping her organise it (yeah, good luck with that, love!) Wattsie tells us that she envisages Kiria as Cinderella, Gal as Buttons, Dave Courtney as a Fairy Godfather, Sharron Slutt and the Beast as Ugly Sisters, Terence Hayes, PM, as Baron Hard-On, Bev Elliott as Drunk-At-The-Bar, The Yeti as Snow White and the Seven Warts and Franken-Skin as, eh, Franken-Skin (what else could he kin’ be?). The Gonads and King Hammond will be providing the music. Sounds great. We’ll let you know if there’s any chance of it actually happening.

Tony ‘Boozy’ Barker, ex Angela Rippon’s Bum, calls to tell us about a new website which sets out to be a kind of Fiends Reunited for old-time skins, suedeheads and “anyone who cares about true skinhead culture.”

Congratulations, we think, to former Def Leppard manager Peter Mensch who has just married Tory MP Louise Bagshawe. Mensch, when Gal knew him, was “like Ari Gold but with more swearing”. He now manages the likes of Metallica. Oi Peter, any chance of a support, for old fuckin’ time’s sake, you good-looking fuck? (Just getting into the Mensch spirit, there.) A friend of Louise tells us they married secretly in “a small, private ceremony in Manhattan”. Fat Col reckons that Menschy has to go on top “cos Tory MPs can only screw up.”

June 1st. Old faces, many of them now craggier than a Gordon Ramsay close-up, turned up in Greenwich yesterday for the last day of filming on the Cockney Rejects documentary, East End Babylon. As well as the Geggus clan there were Vince Riordan, H from the original 4-Skins, Skully from the original East End Badoes, Tony Van Frater, Rejects drummer Lainey, former Bridgehouse guv’nor Terry Murphy, current BH2 guv’nor Tony Nichols, Gal and The Beast, Eugene Butcher (Vive Le Rock), Lee Drury (Eraserhead), Freddie Brown, Fat Col and more (wot? No Yeti?). The doc should be out next February, along with the new Rejects album of the same name.

Oi nutters, don’t forget we’re playing the Maiden’s Head, Canterbury on Saturday week (11th) with Booze & Glory, The Warriors and the Half-wits. More info from We’re also currently discussing the possibility of recording split singles, a Ska one with The Coverups ahead of the Buster Gonads’ Ska Battalion charity project, and a noisy one with US hardcore band Sticky Buns.

Gal’s latest pod is up and running at Total Rock Radio featuring tracks from Random Hand, the V8 Wankers, Intensified, Rival Sons, Radio Dead Ones, The Heels, The 1-Stop Experience, The Hickoids, The Riders of the Night, the 335, Antonella’s Klasse Kriminale, The Usual Players, Sham 69 (Dave Parsons line-up), the Noxious Toyz, Black Son, Shoot The Dead and Cynic Guru. Studio guests are Jennie Bellestar, Dave Parsons and Jimmy Edwards. Gal’s near-legendary technical incompetence also makes an appearance. Find it here.

The Riders of The Night have started working on a full-blown album that you may be surprised to hear has feck all to do with the Emirates and everything to do with modern life viewed from the eyes of a bunch of ageing adolescents. Talking of full-blown, veteran Nads fan Christine (aka The Norwood Nosher) is back on the scene...

Fans of veteran Aussie punk band The Saints, may be interested in what Kym Bradshaw’s doing now; his website is - bit of a change of direction!