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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


 


THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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July 30. News in brief: just four days until the big band meeting, members told to “expect a massive curveball”… director claims that Carry On Oi could be “the basis of a punk rock comedy film”… Wattsie Watts demands legal investigation into Fat Col’s crowdfunded Daphne Guinness statue… formal Prankster inquiry into their 69th degree (the club within a club) enters second week…



The details: news of the Gonads’ planning meeting this Friday has stoked a flood of misguided internet rumours; nothing will be known until the weekend but Miss M has warned the band to “expect the unexpected, I’m talking a massive curveball”, adding, “the ban on touring is unlikely to be lifted”… go-ahead film director Mad Mickey Wharton asks “If the Carry On films are coming back, what is to stop me turning Carry On Oi into an earthy blue-collar punk comedy? The cover alone is a Brian Rix farce”… Wattsie is calling for due diligence over Fat Col’s statue campaign; she tells us “Nothing about this sounds right, he’s pulling another stroke; we need a proper investigation headed by that most trusted of legal minds, the Beast”… in a curt press statement the Jolly Pranksters admit their inquiry into female infiltration was “ongoing with no immediate end in sight”; pressed further, their spokesman, a flustered Effete El, said “There is absolutely no chance the brethren has been infiltrated by a woman, and certainly not at that degree. They would have to have revealed their left breast long before they progressed to the 69th”; but then he paused and added, “Although in fairness, Fat Col got through and he has 38D moobs…” (Thanks for that image – Ed)



The Gonads WebsiteJuly 28. So sad to hear that we have lost Patrick Collier. The former Vibrators bassist was one of the most respected producers on our scene, and others, renowned for his calmness, skill and dry wit. He produced more Gonads albums and side projects than anyone else, and he’d been part of what we did since the Alaska Studio days. Our sincere condolences to his family and close friends. RIP Pat. You were one of a kind and we will miss you.



July 27. Odds and sods: Gonads planning meeting next month branded “a showdown that will decide the fate of this great band in 2025 and beyond” (Blimey – Ed)... Fat Col launches crowdfunding campaign to raise a statue of his “perfect pop goddess” Daphne Guinness... and, after news broke yesterday that Tony Iommi has launched his own perfume, Deified, Lord Waistrel orders top boffin Alphonse Mephesto to conjure up a Gonads fragrance – the mind boggles. Expect Terrified (Essence De Col) to be launched within days, the delightful stench of spilt curry, pissed pants, broken promises and seedy dreams...



News in brief: The Damned release a new live album, AD 2022 – Live In Manchester, on 13th September... Waistrel vetoes video for Pegging Sue on grounds of taste and dignity... Millie Manders’ new full-length Wake Up, Shut Up, Work released on Friday,



July 26. Life-long Gonads fan Hugh Jampton suggests we contact the team reviving the Carry On film franchise to persuade them to commission Curry On Up The Gonads as a riotous film project. He tells us. “I loved reading about the movie on the blog, even if it was doomed from the start by various disruptive elements.” ( Sandie West, Hollywood Pest – Ed). Mr Jampton of Little Hampton (surprisingly) adds “After my many years in the film industry, I would say that with the right production team, Curry On Up The Gonads could be up there with Carry On Screaming, Spinal Tap or Confessions Of A Window Cleaner, but it has to be made with the utmost seriousness, mixing earthy comedy with the uncompromising truth.” He then asked if his girlfriend Amanda Sukov could audition “for the Babs part”.



Blog warning: There are currently no auditions planned for Curry On Up The Gonads, so girls, if Fat Col corners you in a dingy Plumstead pub, invites you back to his place to show you his ‘art collection’, and promises you a film role if you ‘show me your Babs’, slap his face and knee him firmly in the Jackson Pollocks.



News in brief: Video shot for Pegging Sue likened to “a scene from The Boys” by shocked VLR previewer... UFO legend Phil Mogg releases Mogg’s Motel album on 6th September... all-new MC5 studio album, Heavy Lifting, out in October... Dropkick Murphys tour UK in February... debut album from The Calamatix out 20th September.



July 25. News in brief: A live recording of Pegging Sue will be a bonus track on the planned 2025 Gonads album... Gal finds four more “bangers” he’d forgotten he’d written... half the band are pushing for us to record Loonstompers 2 next year as well... and Captain Oi re-release the first two Cockney Rejects album as a CD boxset with bonus tracks...



The details: Our Buddy Holly spoof Pegging Sue was recorded live at Arkwrights last year but will not be in this year’s live show sets... Gal discovered the chords and lyrics to four new Gonads songs, including Wat Tyler’s Back and Forward To Death, in a shoe box at Nads HQ yesterday. Miss Management tells us, “He writes stuff in the middle of the night and forgets about it. The songs are all high quality which probably means next year’s album will have 16 tracks plus bonus numbers rather than 12. Our guiding principle is that the record must be better than Revolution Now, which is difficult to pull off but not impossible. We have had interest from two labels but have not yet reached any agreements. More bids are welcome.” On the question of the follow-up to All The Loonstompers, she explained, “Again the new Ska songs are top quality but my feeling is we will save that for 2026. It would be bonkers to release both projects next year. We have to pace ourselves.”



The Top 5 Gonads albums as voted for by Club 77: Revolution Now! Back & Backing. Glorious Bastards. Live Free Die Free. New Boots, No Panties.



In a more serious development, our anonymous mole inside the illustrious and mysterious Jolly Pranksters fraternity tells us that senior Pranksters, worried by mounting rumours about a female infiltrator – allegedly Wattsie, disguised with a prominent dildo, with her bosoms taped down – have ordered that all members of their so-called 69th degree (aka the ‘club within a club’) must be “searched intimately for concealed weapons”. The top-secret mole (Effete El) tells us: “They asked for volunteers to do the searching. Fat Col immediately stepped forward, but they turned him down for having ‘an obvious ulterior motive’; such a job should fall to someone whose morality and principles are beyond question, like the PM himself and his grand rank associate Wilf Smith aka Ol’ Wandering Hands”. So mote it be. We think...



The Gonads WebsiteJuly 24. Conspiracy theories about the two Gonads who are allegedly members of the Jolly Pranksters’ 69th degree (aka the ‘club within a club’) continue to mount (unlike Fat Col). A school of thought persists maintaining that Wattsie Watts is one of the pair, despite the Pranksters being a male-only fraternity. They argue that “she has form for impersonating men” and prove it with this historic photo of Wattsie using a dildo to impersonate a drag queen in order to obtain free entry to Madame JoJo’s. She could, they say, be using similar subterfuge to infiltrate the brotherhood. Gonads loyalists Sid & Doris Puke dismiss the “crank theory” asking “how would she conceal her magnificent assets?” But a grim-faced Pranksters spokesman (Effete El) tells us that senior brethren will be made aware of the disturbing claim.



July 20. The cult 2021 punk book, Grammar Free In The U.K., is now finally available as an audiobook with extra content. For the book, Derek and Dave Philpott sent bizarre letters to leading British punks and got hilarious replies from the likes of Cock Sparrer, Splodge, the Rejects, the Upstarts, us, Steve Ig, the Ruts DC and more – and all have taken part in the audiobook. Del tells us, “We have 70 contributions voiced by the actual artists; it’s quite magnificent... and utterly unique. It’s been remixed and remastered, which has taken 100s of hours (no, really). As with the previous editions, we’re supporting CRISIS UK/Musicians Against Homelessness, with £2,440 already donated.” It’s available from Amazon Worldwide and Amazon UK.

Ain’t it fair? Bruce Springsteen is now officially a dollar billionaire and we can’t even get lowlife tightwads and hangers-on to stand their rounds...



In other news Fat Col has announced he has (once again) ceased his persistent trolling of Wattsie. “I’m a new man, I ain’t never gonna pester Wattsie Watts again,” he tells us, adding dismissively, “She’s too aloof for me anyway; there’s no magic there.” So are you going to behave like a proper human being from now on, we ask? “I’m a reformed man,” he says solemnly. “And I’m in love with someone new.” Who? Do tell. “Daphne Guinness,” he sighs. “Now that’s one quality bird. Beautiful, talented, classy – know what I mean? We’re a perfect match.” How does she feel about that? “She don’t know it yet, but she will when she wakes up and finds a thousand roses on her lawn tomorrow, along with two turtle doves up a pole and a Renee and Renato tribute act belting out Save Your Love... ” The poor woman.



July 19. Our new DMG ep, Dirty Metal Gonads 2, is out on 2nd August. Here are a couple of pre-order links: iTunes and

Amazon.

The DMG project has its roots in our TNT track from 1982’s Total Noise ep, which was one of the earliest punk/metal crossovers. These songs are Indus Road – about growing up in Charlton, London SE7, the band’s spiritual home where Gal says his maternal great aunts (from south Wales via Poplar) used to fight men topless in Charlton Village. Urban Guerrilla – a heavyweight cover of a controversial Hawkwind single that was banned by the BBC. 18 Stone of Dynamite (Half Inch Fuse) – rock’n’roll in its hardest, rawest and dirtiest form. Says Gal: “I wanted it to sound extreme and deranged, and to push the boundaries. I think we managed that.” Tough ’n’ tasty indeed.



In other news, the whispered Paris event will take place on Friday November 15, 2024, and include the first-ever performance by the French Gonads. Seriously. Pour commander, mes frères. Passports ready.

Internet speculation about which Gonads are secretly fully-signed-up “practitioners in the dark arts of the Jolly Pranksters” and active participants in the brethren’s so-called club within a club range from the absurd (JC and Major Tom) to the impossible (Gal and Wattsie). A laughing Miss M tells the blog “We normally ignore these rabbit-hole theories but how could Wattsie be involved in the Pranksters’ 69th degree? It’s an all-male fraternity.” Quite so. Let’s draw a line under this trivial nonsense.



July 16. Watch out for book-and-authors fanzine Spinners. The brainchild of early 80s punk fanziner, Raoul Galloway, it’s in the vein of John King’s lit-zine Verbal but is likely to prove more prolific. Raoul has also published Joe England’s latest book, Lone Moor Road, about an innocent boy visiting Northern Ireland in 1973 and returning fifty years later. At a recent book reading in London, Joe was supported by performances from Tim ‘Teething’ Wells, Chip Hamer, Calum O'Keefe, Steve Potts (of Criminal Damage) and Garrie ‘Guitar’ Lammin who contributed a handful of songs including the original version of Sparrer’s Running Riot. John King described the night as “Proper people who believe in what they're doing, the power of the small-press underground.” Check out Raoul’s website.
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July 13. News in brief: we have added a Norfolk gig, B2 Brickmakers, Norwich, on 2nd November... Gal’s new books have all been postponed until 2025... hints about the next Gonads album emerge... fresh Prankster scandal excites gutter press.


Those stories in full: we will join a packed bill at the Norwich Brickmakers gig with Hung Like Hanratty, Scandal, Jack The Lad, Tear Up and Violent Solution. Our farewell mini-tour of north London begins at the 229 in October (Cream Of The Crop), followed by the Spice Of Life, Soho, 11th November, and a final show, with special guests, at the Dublin Castle on 6th December. No further full gigs are likely this year, but Miss Management was yesterday overheard speaking cryptically about “a Paris event” possibly in November. Exciting!



Gal’s PA Fit Bird has announced that his latest, long-awaited Harry Tyler novel, plus Sounds Of Glory volumes 3 and 4, and the rumoured Gonads annual have “bin pushed back like the Ottoman hordes at the gates of Vienna”. No reasons were given. But she did reveal that the next Gonads release will be a split album “half-Nads, half GBX”, released ideally a year from now. Although playing down the project, Miss M told the blog: “Revolution Now! is the benchmark to beat, so we won’t be heading back until we know the songs are better than those ones. Everything has to be inch perfect and spot on.” Quite so.



Meanwhile sensational allegations have emerged suggesting that two members of The Gonads are secretly fully-signed-up “practitioners in the dark arts of the Jolly Pranksters” – and worse, that they are also active participants in the 69th degree, the brethren’s so-called ‘club within a club’, a level of membership and enlightenment that the only the most devoted and influential brother can obtain. Newspaper enquiries have been batted away with stony “no-comments” but top investigators from the US National Enquirer are said to be “on it like a car bonnet”. A tight-lipped Martin Sporrell (aggressive Gooner) dismissed the claims as “gutter-press smears” adding “There ain’t no Pranksters here” before telling his security detail to “step off with the left foot”. Blimey. So mote it be.



July 12. We are devastated to learn that our former drummer Paul Haslin has died. Scottish-born Paul – widely known as RD (Robber’s Dog) and MacGonad – played for us in the first Nacho Jase/Mick Maverick line-up and appears on our Live Free, Die Free double album. Paul also played in Pete Way’s Waysted and was a session musician for the Orgasm Guerrillas. No cause of death has been confirmed, but a close friend tells us that RD had “started feeling very ill a week ago; he took himself to hospital here in Milton Keynes and was a bit better the next day, and said he wanted to sleep.” If we hear more, we’ll pass it on, along with more MacGonad memories. Rest In Power, mate.




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