Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
July 30. Blog monkeys’ strike update: Neither side is showing any sign of cracking as the wildcat Gonads strike – organised by serial wild cats Wattsie and her oppo JC – enters its second bitter week. Their militant action has brought both this blog and band activity to a complete standstill. It has seen all gigs cancelled, our sitcom postponed, and has led to a breakdown of communications with Randale Records of southern Germany. The release of the live official bootleg hangs in the balance and Lord Waistrel has had his business account closed by Coutts. There are now “very real fears” that next year’s Big 69 celebrations will be shelved. In a disturbing development, strike-busting Gonads “owner” Albie Farragut is said to have drawn up plans for “a new Gonads – younger, fitter and more capable of reaching the summit of rock’n’roll immortality”. He is known to have approached guitar wizard Mark McMighty and drummer Brain Blade to join the band permanently, along with veteran French kazoo mistress Selina De Colletage. He is threatening to replace Wattsie with the “younger, and blonder” jazz singer Millie La Croupe – who he says is “far more open to wearing stockings and suspenders, on and off stage”. He also plans to replace Gal with one of his sons, and JC with a partially shaved alpaca. Gal and Clyde, who have influence with Farragut and Waistrel, are said to be uncontactable, locked in a studio in Southsea recording new song Stone Cold Woman and “lost in a mad scheme to marry Oi with jazz-funk”. Senior Gonads fans – including blue-collar comedian Micky Pugh and renowned Soho layabout Lightning Bertie – are calling for an emergency meeting of Club 77 to pass an urgent motion urging Waistrel to “restore and preserve the current line-up before the damage becomes irreversible”. The Punk Rock Curry Club have warned Farragut that they will impose stringent sanctions if a settlement is not reached. Even the Jolly Pranksters are ”alert to the situation” although Terence Hayes, PM, has gone to ground, refusing to take sides until Wossname (an annual Prankster event). An unrepentant Wattsie tells us: “Stand strong and stand together. If we keep solid, Farragut and his pathetic fantasies will fall”. Talk of pathetic fantasies leads us directly to Fat Col, but sadly our own industrial action must keep the latest juicy tittle-tattle off line.
July 23. Wattsie Watts and JC plunged the band into chaos last night by launching their long-rumoured indefinite wildcat strike. The militant pair were pushed into drastic action by yesterday’s “outrageous and disgusting” extract from the planned Gonads sitcom. Wattsie, gripped by cold fury, pinned the blame directly on Gal (and less believably on highfaluting Hollywood producer Sandy West) and pledged that scene two of Grab Your Gonads will never see the light of day “on the blog, on camera or on Netflix”.
In another dramatic turn of events, the Blog United Monkeys Union (BUM-U) walked out in support of the rebel duo, taking all of the access codes with them. They are believed to have gained and changed all the account details by distracting web mistress Batttty with a litre bottle of Glenfiddich Grand Cru. The militant alliance, backed by David Icke, have three main goals:
1) The immediate termination of the Gonad sitcom. 2) A legally valid pledge that the blog monkeys will not be replaced by “blackleg scabs or AI Nad-bots”. 3) And the immediate deportation of “the flash, fake owner” Albie Farragut, followed by the restoration of blog ownership to feudal reactionary, Lord Waistrel.
Their actions have already had dramatic effects as Farragut has had to turn down a late request for the Gonads to play Rebellion Festival’s acoustic stage in August. Our Bexhill-on-Sea gig in September has also been indefinitely postponed. There is even a threat to our traditional Christmas acoustic knees-up in December. And that’s not all. Insiders believe the crisis will spell the end of the band in their current form. An anonymous informer close to strikers’ HQ tells us: “The sitcom scene posted yesterday was the final straw for Wattsie. She will not back down and neither will JC, if he wants to live.” Effete El, sorry, the anonymous source, went on: “The unofficial action poses an existential threat to the continued career of the Gonads and next year’s Big 69 project. And the tragedy is nobody seems to care. Phil and Paul are moonlighting in 57 other bands between them, Shona has two spin-off projects, and JC is thought to be collaborating with Carrie Griffiths on her new punk outfit. Even Gal has been over-heard talking about his plan to record ‘Old Boots 2’ as the Garry Bushell Experience with a fresh all-star line-up and pursue more stand-up comedy gigs. It will take something beyond drastic to get the group back together after this. It’ll take the diplomatic cunning and ingenuity of Tyrion Lannister. Have no doubt, we are staring at the end-game for the Gonads and for the blog, as no further entries will be poste…” (Sound of axe falling, blog locking and a lone piper playing Going Home).
July 21. Here as promised by Gonads owner Albie Farragut is the opening scene of the new official Gonads punk rock comedy pilot…
Grab Your Gonads – Oi The Sitcom.
Episode One: Can Dreams Come True.
Scene: Gonads HQ.
Fat Col: For God’s sake tell him Shona!
Wattsie: Shut the fuck up, gobby bollocks!
JC: Tell me what?
Wattsie looks at the floor.
Miss Management (to Wattsie): You can’t even bear to look him in the eye, can you. Shon’?
JC: Oh, come on Sarah, there are loads of birds who wouldn't look twice at me.
Wattsie: All right, shut up, I’ll tell him. Last night, I had a dream that was a bit… inappropriate.
JC: Why? What happened?
Wattsie (hesitantly): You and me were, um…
Fat Col: At it! Shagging on this very snooker table.
Wattsie: Oi, I said shut it, gobby!
Phil McD: That’s what I call a big break!
Aitch (horrified): Mum! Why the fuck would you dream something like that?
JC: More importantly, was I any good?
Wattsie: You were pretty damn good to be fair.
JC: That’s really surprising. In my dreams, I always come too soon.
Aitch (under her breath): Tell me about it.
Wattsie: Well, you knew your way around the table last night... you made a couple of unusual pots too.
Phil: Can I have a go, in the next dream?
(Wattsie gives him filthy look. Aitch goes to the window. JC follows her.)
JC: You okay, babe?
Aitch: I can't believe you had sex with my mother in her dream last night.
JC: I'm sorry, it was a total one-off. I was pissed and I was in somebody else's subconscious…
Aitch knocks him out. Fade to scene two…
*Please note we suspect this ‘comedy’ has been generated by an AI-bot (even cheaper than using a US scab gag-writer); therefore, the Gonads cannot guarantee its originality. Next week, scene two…
July 16. These jolly snaps from earlier today of the band rehearsing in Erith show a team apparently happy with the stewardship of current owner, Albie Farragut, and united in determination to build on the fantastic legacy of the year so far. Unfortunately, pictures don’t always tell the full story. For we can reveal that, behind the scenes, Wattsie Watts was secretly planning not one but two breakaway groups. One, Shona & The Aliens, will specialise in ska, pop-reggae and mod; the second Sue Perb & The Pervs is an altogether cruder and grittier glam punk affair. She has apparently already written half of the Shona & The Aliens album with songs like Chubby Half-inch, Bearded Bastard, Drunken Drummer, Stupid Boy, Memory Man and The Golden Shot. Chubby Half-Inch is obviously about Fat Col but who on earth could the other harsh-sounding ditties be about? An anonymous ashen-faced band spokesman (Effete El) tells us: "We know nothing yet about Sue Perb's songs, but given Wattsie's unnatural interest in dogging and her habit of wearing a fake penis to gain entry to transvestite clubs we daren't think what murky depths she'll be mining." Crikey.
July 8. Wattsie Watts and JC began their industrial action last night by boycotting the traditional Gonads curry-club-and-planning-session meet. They are also rumoured to be linked to the nefarious Just Stop Oi! movement which is preventing Paulaner reaching the Hopper’s Hut in drinkable form. Their unofficial militancy is aimed at “over-throwing the Waistrel/Farragut military-industrial complex” (Eh? – Ed) but has it backfired? Last night, chairman Phil McDermott (Gonads loyalist) agreed, after fifteen pints, that the meeting had reached the required quorum status and significant decisions were taken, including:
1) Wattsie to make a video for Johnny Reggae as soon as possible or face disciplinary action.
2) JC to be banned from all photo sessions for the foreseeable future.
3) JC’s Gillingham scarf to be “ceremoniously burned” live on stage if he attempts to display it at Bexhill-on-Sea.
4) Severe reprisals to be launched against Randale Records of southern Germany if they don’t “nimm die Finger raus” and release our new live album pronto, Tonto.
5) The band also passed a motion pledging full support to Albie Farragut’s plans to “monetise the brand”, and most controversially, to back his decision to replace the blog monkeys with blackleg US sitcom writers who are believed to be working on a comical romance between “a bass-playing mook and his enchanting but dippy mother-in-law”. No relation to anyone living or dead, of course.
PS. Six pints and a madras later, the meeting voted to forgive Fat Col and fully endorse his long-awaited Rawhides ep as an official Gonads spin-off.
Message from the owner: I am Albert Farragut and I approve this post.
July 2. From the desk of Albert Farragut, current Gonads owner: In line with my express wishes, this blog shall remain closed for the immediate future. However, for the sake of clarity, I would like to clear up rumours that are clogging up the goddamn internet like Japanese knotweed. Firstly: the Gonads next gig is confirmed for the 30th September at Bexhill-on-Sea but I have demanded a venue change. Watch the blog for details. In a related story I have no objections to the planned Christmas acoustic gig.
Secondly, I have authorised a new single to be released following the success of Full English. I have also blocked unauthorised ‘tribute albums’ intending to use re-recordings of the band’s songs and instructed the two slackers ‘Gal’ Gonad and Clyde Ward to work on new material and new merchandise. I want a Number One by the end of my tenure.
Thirdly, any band members striking or working to rule over the coming months will be hunted down and horsewhipped by Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner).
Finally, my security agents have identified the source of the rumour that Fat Col does not exist (If only – Wattsie) and they will be dealt with, with utmost brutality. They have also established the facts behind the so-called Colin Gannon grooming scandal. The distressing scenes described on the blog did occur but when he was not 15 but 50; the woman responsible was The Yeti and it only happened because the low oaf paid her to do it. That is all. For now. I am Albert Farragut and I approve the above content. Farragut.