Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
July 31. BREAKING NEWS! Peace for our time! Lord Waistrel has returned from a secret rendezvous in Munich with Diana Schuler, representing Randale Records, who has guaranteed that our new album, Revolution Now!, will be released on Friday 9th of September. His Lordship has therefore called off the impending hostilities and ordered his grand alliance to stand down. Standing on the airstair of his private jet, Oi Force One, he announced, “This morning I had a talk with the German label boss, Frau Schuler, and here is the paper which bears her name upon it as well as mine” – he showed the paper to the cheering crowd, (Sid and Dories Puke) and continued: “I would like to read it to you: ‘We regard the agreement signed this morning as symbolic of the desire of our two organisations never to go to war with one another’.” (The crowd erupt in shouts of ‘Here, here’, punctuated by the occasional cry of ‘Hang the bastard’ and ‘Eat the rich!’). The good Lord concluded, “We have our release date. We have peace with honour. I believe it is peace for our time. We thank you all for your unquestioning support from the bottom of our hearts. Go home and go at it like rats in a sack. I know I will.” A Munich agreement! Hurrah! What could possibly go wrong?
Our war correspondent Titus Wilson writes, “This is an incredible achievement for Lord Waistrel and the chaotic musical combo known colloquially as ‘the Nads’. Waistrel has played hardball with a very tough and intransigent record label. He has forced their hand, and consequently saved the German people from a merciless punk rock oi-oi boot-boy anarcho-herbert invasion. Intelligence reports indicate that a gentleman from Hereford has now left the country and the Black Forest base camp has been disassembled. The Gonads thanked Waistrel and Frau Schuler for reaching a speedy agreement. They also issued a ‘complete denial’ that the persons unknown who allegedly pissed in the waters of Randale fish farm and nicked half a ton of trout, two motor vehicles and a Paulaner delivery van while mooning them and shouting ‘Calm down, calm down’ repeatedly was Richie Tomlinson and his Crazy Clockwork Cider Crew. Titus Wilson, News at Ten, sober… but very much enjoying this black market Paulaner, cheers Richie!”
July 30. Here are some pictures from last night’s Lord Northbrook memorial for Laurie Pryor. There will be a bigger one next month, so keep in touch for details. Among those paying their respects to Lol were Steve Kent and Martin Smith from the original Business line-up, Steve Whale, Sandra Bigg (Really Big), Toast, Tim Wells, Micky Billings, Bubbles, Barry Neville, Raoul from Oi Division and several old faces from punk, football and the old Northbrook crew. There were moving moments as old friends stepped forward to relate their fond memories of Lol. Other recollections, including Lenny Miller and the safety pin, are best left unrepeated… or for the book. RIP Lol.
In war news, Richie Rocker has pledged his support in the grand alliance against Randale Records. Richie notes: “First off, you must be fuckin mad expecting a Kraut to give you priority in getting the album released – don’t you realise they’ve never forgiven us for 1966! However, enough is enough, no more arsing about, I’ll bring what’s left of the Crazy Clockwork Cider Crew – we used to follow Clockwork Destruction (first heard on Son Of Oi) in the early 80s. Not only will we get the album out for you, we’ll also leave their fuckin’ cars on bricks! They don’t like it up ’em!” Top man. In related news, Waistrel has called on Tucker’s Ruckers to reform to act as “Home Guard”, or “Lads’ Army”, around Nads HQ in case of a sneaky counterattack.
July 29. The free world watched in horror last night as the Gonads edged ever closer to open hostilities with Randale Records, writes our war correspondent Titus Wilson. He goes on, ‘German Intelligence sources, who had previously written off the Gonads’ supporters as “13 elderly plonkers in faded Fred Perrys”, were shocked to realise that Lord Waistrel’s forces are being swelled by volunteers from all over the globe. His Lordship’s Commanding Officer, Mungo Jingo, said last night, “We don’t want to fight, but by Jingo if we do, we’ve got the men, we’ve got the ships, we’ve got the money too”.
With war threatening to break out in just three days’ time, mobs, gangs and units already aligned to the Gonadian cause include the Charlton Loyal, the John King Volunteers, the South Ockendon anarcho-syndicalists (yes, both of them), the Yeti’s own Mounted Rangers, the Mahone Column from Cork, Coventry’s 2-Tone territorials, the Peter Simple Militia (Shipley), the South London Suedehead Scooter Club (Streatham), Rude Girls for Justice (Hackney), the New Workers’ Party (Deptford East), the Royal Adamant Swordstick Brigade (Surbiton), the Wattsie Watts Fan Club (Dartford Heath), the Trojan Warriors (East Belfast street gang), Morag Ironheart (Glasgow all-comers “away and bile yer heid” street-fighting champ, 1981), Giuseppe Ferrari (random Italian dandy), Sir Terence Hayes (DM) plus crutches, the Cass Pennant Supporters Club (Billericay), New York City SHARP, the UVF (Ulverston Volunteer Force, Stan Laurel battalion), the Plumstead People’s Front, Two-Ton Tony Madras (CFC) and many more. There are also already rumours of “significant” German defections, including Randale’s own second-in-command, General Steifes Arsch-Weisel. Sources close to Nads HQ indicate that a special unit of volunteers have already established a base camp in the Black Forest. A gentleman from Hereford is said to have “eyes on” multiple enemy personnel in Schiltach. The only setback for the English feudal reactionary is that his toady, Colin “Fat Col” Gannon, is refusing to fight, asking instead “why can’t we all just get along and love each other?”. But with the Jolly Pranksters, Chelsea Dom and the PPGB yet to declare, the winds of destiny are very much blowing behind the Gonads’ sails and right up Diana’s tarpaulin gusset.’ Titus Wilson, News At Ten, sober.
July 28. The crisis surrounding the delayed release of Revolution Now is hurtling full-pelt towards the unthinkable, writes our war correspondent Huw Wanzit. This blog has learned that this this morning the Gonads ambassador to Germany, Geiles Biest, will hand Randale Records a final note stating that unless we have heard from them by 1st August that they are prepared to announce an imminent release date for Revolution Now, then a state of war would exist between us. The note will conclude that ‘If no such undertaking has been received by then, this band, our supporters and allies will consequently be at war with Randale Records’. To order brethren.
July 27. There is a growing crisis between the Gonads and Randale Records of southern Germany. Label boss Diana Schuler is refusing to respond to emails asking for a release date for our new album Revolution Now, said by critics to be our finest studio album to date. A frustrated Effete El tells us, “It’s a very reasonable request. Without a release date we cannot organise a launch party or a promotional campaign. It is frustrating and highly unprofessional. Waistrel is going through the roof, his gout is playing up and he has had to double his Viagra dosage.” The album was fully mixed and mastered more than two months ago but communication between Randale and Gonads HQ broke down last month. Suspicions are growing that the label plan to “sit on” the album and delay the release until Christmas or even next Easter. Ashen-faced El says grimly, “The consequences could be unimaginable.”
July 25. We rehearsed our full Rebellion set yesterday, without drummer Paul Mummery who has sustained a nasty ankle injury. We could tell you about how the rehearsal went, and how we’re cutting our hour set down to a meagre forty minutes, but we’re pretty sure you’d rather join us in some idle speculation about how exactly Mr Ska-Nad sustained his disabling right ankle trauma. Fat Col, a renowned medical expert, argues that Miss Management must have applied a “Spanish boot” or a shin crusher in the couple’s blood-splattered bondage den. The device squeezes the calf between two curved iron plates, studded with spikes, teeth, and knobs, to fracture the tibia and fibula. Ahem, or so we’re told. If Paul has not recovered in time for Blackpool, he will be ruthlessly replaced by Sarah Vezmar who Waistrel tells us is “younger, fitter and easier on the eye, what?” Harsh but fair. (For rehearsal pictures, see our Facebook and Instagram pages.)
July 24. Odd development of the month. We were mentioned on TV’s James Whale Unleased last night. Whale’s side-kick, Ash Gould, had seen us live at Poly Fest in 2018 and sang our praises. Sadly, Lord Waistrel declined a subsequent invitation for us to play a live acoustic set on the show on the reasonable grounds that no fee was on the table and we’re holding back until Steve Whale Unleashed rightfully replaces it on air. James Whale also told his viewers that he wanted to play Gal’s undercover detective character Harry Tyler if the film of The Face is finally made (despite being twice as old as Harry). Stranger things happen… normally in Hawkins, Indiana.
July 23. If yesterday’s blog entry was surprising, today’s revelations are even more of a shock. We have finally heard back from Lord Waistrel via his new PA and bathing assistant, Lolita Lumpkin, and it’s not good news. In rapid succession Miss Lumpkin tells us that:
1) Waistrel admits he was behind the coup to remove “communist” Boris Johnson from office.
2) He has refused to break up the Irish Gonads, saying their existence is “none of the English band’s bally business”.
3) He has opened negotiations with several British and international labels for the rights to release our 2023 follow-up to Revolution Now!
4) He wants the Orgasm Guerrillas to “get cracking” and record their debut album next Spring at the very latest and, most shocking of all,
5) his Lordship has PARDONED Fat Col for his “playful” thought-crimes and “welcomes him back to the blog with open arms”. That final disclosure has outraged and sickened Wattsie and her loyal circle of toy-boy defenders, but Waistrel’s word is final. (Worryingly, we have already had to censor Col’s lewd and unnecessary interpretation of the news that Wattsie has sustained a small bedroom injury. But on reflection, yes, it is awkward to do that in a small space; you often pull a muscle straining and bruised gashes can be quite common. Get well soon.)
Congratulations to our pal Richie Tomlinson who will be interviewing various bods on the Rebellion Literary Stage this year, including Mick Rossi on Thursday afternoon. Lit Stage highlights span a discussion of the late 70s punk/reggae crossover with Don Letts, Segs Jennings and Rhoda Dakar on Friday, the Seal Club barking away on Saturday afternoon, followed by Millwall Roi, and a ‘Memories of Mensi’ tribute on Saturday evening. Jeff Turner will be doing his unmissable two-hour one-man show on Sunday afternoon (1.30 to 3.30), hopefully without knocking anyone out. We understand that Richie also tried to book Fat Col for an in-depth chat. Col was up for it but had a few modest stipulations including a bottle of Remy Martin Carte Blanche up front, “disruptive element” Wattsie to be banned from the event, and “No dough, no show”. When Richie insisted Wattsie couldn’t be banned, Col pulled out and Richie is having to make do with Del from the Test Tubes instead. In an unpleasant email, Col blasts the whole event, asking “how can this be a fuckin’ literary stage? Half the people on it ain’t even read a book let alone written one, an’ the only book Tomlinson knows about is the one he fuckin’ cooks”. How unnecessary. Col’s own books, The Gonads – Scandal By Scandal, The Golden Path To Divinity (In Praise of the DM), and Wattsie Watts – The Shocking Untold Truth, have he says been “temporarily derailed by nit-picking libel lawyers”.
July 22. Gal hosted a Club 77 beer-athon event in South London last night and delighted the assembled throng by announcing that the Gonads will “run and run till death do us part”. Above cheers and applause, he then stunned the gathering by revealing that he has written SEVEN new songs this month alone, adding that the next THREE Gonads albums (AFTER Revolution Now!) are “either recorded or written and planned down to the last track”. But in a savage blow to our salivating supporters, Gal added that the albums will be released on a strictly one-a-year basis. Eyewitness Effete El (our man with the Del-Boy cocktail) reports that the singer stated that “we are on a creative high and could easily release a new album every six months but we won’t do that because then we’d bore the pants off you, so we will ration the releases carefully”.
The news came as a shock to the crowd, to this blog and even to some band members. Speculation abounds about the nature of the new records. We know there is a live album in the pipeline but Gal was referring specifically to new studio recordings. Says El, “One could be the rumoured Greater Hits Volume 4 and we know he has been writing the follow-up to Revolution Now! but we know nothing about the nature of the third album. The chief worry is that Revolution Now! is so good it’ll be a bugger to top.” El did however acknowledge that our lager-loving legion of fans will be “beyond thrilled” by Gal’s announcement that the Gonads will “never retire, never surrender, never say die… until I actually die.” Here here!
Footnote: after Gal’s “bore the pants off you” remark, Fat Col stood up and suggested lewdly that he’d been trying to bore the pants off Wattsie Watts for fifteen years. The oaf was immediately ejected.
July 17. A quick update. Our new album, Revolution Now!, is officially at the pre-release stage. We don’t yet know a release date yet, so it’s 50/50 whether the CDs will be on sale at Rebellion; however we will be releasing a four track EP, Beer Monsters – The Gonads Vs the SkaNads, at the end of August. Stay tuned for more details, you lucky people.