Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
July 31. We're gutted we won't be at Rebellion with all you crazy kids, and that you'll have to make do with less talented and good-looking herberts instead. Hopefully we’ll be there next year…if Waistrel doesn’t have us opening for André Rieu that weekend instead. In the meantime, it you want top quality Gonads merch then our shop page will be open from August 10th. For anything else, email firstname.lastname@example.org and Scrotum will get back to you. Have fun, chums.
P.S. Fat Col will be in Blackpool from tomorrow night in the self-appointed role of “morality warden”. He asks that you report any sexism or inappropriate behaviour directly to him (so that he has time to cook up an alibi before the cops get involved). He will also be on drug watch – if you’ve got some, he’ll want some.
You may feel that the American Gonads saga has entertained us enough for now. But before we wave goodbye for a week or two, this just happened!!!!!
July 30. In a bid to deflect hostile media attention away from the burgeoning Russian scandal, the American Gonads yesterday unveiled their Gal Gonad replacement – DORI CAMERON from Boston’s own Dori Cameron & The Invisible Monsters. The Nads have never been fully female fronted before, and the surprise development means that the US line-up could include She Can’t Whip Me (the Greater Hits Vol 2 version) live for the first time.
Slaughter & The Dogs singer Wayne Barrett McGrath has SACKED the other members of the band, including co-founder Mick Rossi, in response to Rossi playing with Walter Lure’s LAMF group. In a Facebook post Barrett stated that he will resume playing as Slaughter & The Dogs as soon as he forms a new line-up. His statement read: To my beloved Slaughter and the Dogs fans, Today, I had to make a very hard decision. I have decided to temporarily suspend the band Slaughter and The Dogs due to Mick Rossi’s lack of interest and his other endeavors after working with him for over 45 years. I finally opened my eyes about him as a person. I don’t like airing my dirty laundry online but here it is: First, my mother died and of all the people I have known the longest in my life, the one who never called me to offer condolences, to say, “Hey Wayne. You hanging in there ok? Is there anything I can do?” It was most likely because there was no money involved so he wasn’t interested as his only interest is making a buck even if it’s a second rate hack background touring guitarist. Second: I have been waiting for him to work with me on doing a European tour for this winter, only to find out he’s working with a wannabe Johnny Thunders band. He did tell me that he was going to be playing only one show in Los Angeles with the line up,and he then told me that he was taking our bass player and drummer and squeezing out the great John Tyree (who for information, brought back Walter Lure from the Ibises and the brink of nothingness,) but thanks to a certain woman, he once again couldn’t control John. Mick got his side kick in, the mediocre drummer Mark Reback, who bends over backwards to stay close to Mick and this has now extended to LAMF wannabe’s J.T.’s until November of this year, meaning I have to wait for him to be free once again. (Watch out about what you’re trying to do in Japan Mr. Rossi. I’ve heard quite a bit of negative news about you trying to screw people over to make a quick buck.) He has been trying to control me throughout the years and I’ve known him and his shady ways but always turned a blind eye to it. Now, that’s enough. So I, Wayne Barrett, creator and owner (legally in the USA, UK and Europe,) of the name Slaughter and the Dogs say to Mick Rossi, Dan Graziano and Mark Reback, you are OFFICIALLY no longer members of my band that I legally own, Slaughter and the Dogs. You WILL in the future use the word EX-Slaughter and The Dogs when referring to my band or face a lawsuit handled by my wife. Thanks for the ride boys, but like you, life is short and I don’t want to wait for you lot. I will be back on the road with new musicians this winter-bigger and better than before. THAT I promise. Wayne Barrett McGrath
July 29. The American Gonads last night dismissed claims of Russian backing as "fake news". Unfortunately for them, the FSB (the KGB's successors) last week monitored a clandestine meeting in Moscow between Ivan Petrova and Jay The Tripod. Putin sent this shock photographic evidence to his old pal Waistrel and for once his Lordship did the right thing and ordered it to be published. Bertie Bingovich, our man in Belarus, tells us: "It looks like serious jail time for Tippy. Not sure he can talk himself out of this one." The disturbing twist came just before the American Gonads were due to unveil their Gal Gonad replacement. The big announcement has been put on hold while Jay meets with his lawyers, Flywheel, Shyster & Flywheel.
July 28. Is Russian money behind the great blog coup? We ask because the man responsible for the American Gonads beach video turns out to be budding film-maker Ivan Petrova, who claims to have found a hard drive in an LAX airport lounge with the legend “GONADS (Afghan Joe's revenge)” written on it. He took it home to Moscow, cut it together and then gifted it to Jay the Tripod! Unbelievable? Unfeasible? Some logic missing from the story? Maybe so but doesn’t that also sound a lot like the entire Get Your Gonads USA movie project...
July 27. Here's another shock twist in the American Gonads saga. In a move calculated to piss off the UK Gonads in general, and Wattsie Watts in particular, Jay the Tripod today uploaded this video to YouTube. Filmed on Venice Beach, LA, and billed as American Gonads Oi Mate, the vid features Gal and Clyde, both clearly tranquillised, as well as new blog bosses Jay, Trotsky, Shiragirl, Geoff and Disappearing Dave. WTF is going on? Even Effete El is struggling to find an answer.
July 26. Disturbing news. The Gonads USA may have been compromised. Blog technical wiz, Tony Twist O'Lemon, tells us the content they are publishing is not being uploaded on the East Coast but in a location in Venice Beach, Los Angeles. Blog loyalists are appealing to Waistrel to launch a full-scale investigation but his Lordship is far too busy masterminding Boris Johnson's ascendancy to even have his butler Scrotum answer the phone.
July 25. The Gonads USA today pledge to shoot extra footage for Get Your Gonads USA so that the film can be finished and released. They also promise to restore Sandie West's tarnished reputation calling her “an ace director, an inspirational creative and a wonderful human being”. What can it mean?
July 24. The Gonads USA will announce their American Gonads 2019 tour dates shortly, adding “if not we'll have to rename it”. Their main object, says Trotsky, is “to book some English dates in 2020 and ask the UK Gonads to open for us, unpaid of course…” Fiendish. Meanwhile Disappearing Dave says the bobble heads of the Tippy inaction figures have got to be actual size, “otherwise no one could see them”. A good point, although in fairness it'd be hard to mistake it for anyone else as there won’t be many other three-legged dolls on the market.
July 23. Today’s news: the Gonads USA are considering rebranding themselves as the American Gonads. The lads are adding Lager Top, Buy Me A Drink and Threes Up to their live set, along with a brand new chest-beating anthem, Gonads Gonads USA. Fat Matt is designing their official merch and there are plans for them to release a debut single (“just as soon as Jay un-fucks the recording deal he just fucked up”). With a magnanimous gesture worthy of Fat Col, Rodge and Jay say that they would “consider” having Wattsie as their US backing singer as long as she agrees to turn her public animosity towards the historic American venture into “a jello-wrestling match” (for English readers, that’s jelly) “and brings Vikki Thomas along with her”.
July 22. Big news from little Portsmouth, New Hampshire: the legendary Gonads US tour manager Dave the Wave is returning to over-see, under-manage and out-drink the American line-up band at their first official rehearsal in Maine this weekend. They have Fat Matt on bass, the Tripod on rhythm guitar, Rodger “Trotsky” Shosa on drums, Geoffrey C. Palmer on lead guitar and an as yet undisclosed “US Gal Gonad” who according to Rodge “has yet to discover the folly of accepting the position”. The band have decided to axe their “Wattsie” on the grounds that “a female singer adds nothing to the band”, although some cynics hold that she’s only out because she resisted Rodger’s attempt to abduct her. “All of my ex-girlfriends have PTSD when it comes to duct tape,” he admits disturbingly, adding: “I didn’t see anything in the contract saying I couldn’t abduct someone. Was I wrong?”
July 21. Hello world! This is day two of the righteous Gonads USA take-over of this blog. We’re here to tell ya that we might still do a deal with Sandie West to get Get Your Gonads USA finished and released, with or without English approval. We don’t care that her cringe-worthy so-called comedy sketches (the world’s fattest homeless man, the Viper Club doorman...) are as funny as Trump’s finger hovering over the Nuke Iran button, the film is GREAT because we are in it and Wattsie ain’t!
We’re also working on a Tippy action figure based on Jay The Tripod with the folks who have made the Misfits’ “Jerry Only” ReAction Figure and the new Motorhead War-Pig one. Although ours will be an inaction figure.
And this just in from New York – new Oi band the Royal Hounds NYC have recorded their debut platter God Bless The Royal Hounds and the music is killer, a real classic sound. Max Campbell from Oi The Boat Records plays guitar. Tune back for more of this shit from the Gonads USA – you’re welcome!
July 20. This blog, as you know, has been abandoned by the official Gonads team and left for dead with a broken bottle in its hand and a knife right in its back. But this hasn’t stopped it being HACKED by persons known and unknown. Yesterday poor Chelsea Dom was targeted by “Harry May” for the crime of impersonating a journalist and today THE GONADS USA are treating this hallowed space like a wife-beater treats his better half… Drummer Rodger “Trotsky” Shosa writes that the blog is now OWNED by the US version of the band and that they are immediately replacing Fat Col with Fat Matt, Shona with Shiragirl and Waistrel with rich Uncle Pennybags. He adds: “We have a Gal replacement that – sorry Gal – will top the original. Don’t know yet if the singing will be better but that doesn’t really matter.” (Let’s face it, it couldn’t be much worse.) Rodge also pledges that under Septic control the blog will MAKE the slogan “Hoxton Tom for President” a beautiful reality, REPLACE pie & mash with Coney Island knishes and BRING BACK buxom blonde flag-girls bedecked in “Old Glory”. Finally he claims that the Gonads USA have already achieved a historical first: “Jake has gone AWOL, and thereby becomes the first Gonads member to be fired before actually getting the job”, he reveals, adding “Let’s face it, we’ve already done more this year than the pitiful so-called authentic line-up.”
In other news, the Pirates Press festival Rock The Ship is making the Sandie West hyped imaginary West Coast Oi non-fest look like the effing Mary Celeste. The line-up for the October weekender (17th to 20th) includes Sparrer, the Subhumans, the Old Firm Casuals, CJ Ramone, Charger, the Harrington Saints, Territories, Black Jack’s Boot-Boys, Grade 2 and many more. It celebrates Skippy’s 15th anniversary and will take place in the Bay Area. Tickets are on sale now. Barnacles optional.
STOP PRESS. From our own correspondent, Harry May: Since The English courts have started sending people to prison for journalism, the police have raided houses up and down the country for the outrageous crime of “writing down things that have happened and reporting them to their readers”. The latest victim is our very own Dominik W whose Bromley love-nest was raided by a SWAT team. The cops were seen by Ethel Flange, Dom’s next door neighbour, leaving with a battered Smith Corona typewriter. Earlier today in court, Judge Tarquin Bendover dismissed the charges as “ridiculous” saying that as nothing Dom had ever written could be construed as ‘journalism’, it was a complete waste of public time and money. Dominik left the court and was greeted by a jubilant crowd of supporters. Both of whom are said to have cheered briefly when he emerged as a free man. Dom told them “I would like to thank the British Judiciary System. Today justice was served. I would like to be left alone to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. Thanks for your support.” Later today however, the Met announced that they will be investigating “horrendous acts of journalism committed in Street Sounds magazine earlier this decade". Sorry Dom it looks like this story will run and run. (By Harry May, additional reporting Fleet Scribbler).
July 18. Heads up team. We’re closing the blog, this time of our own accord, because we have reached peak Gonadary. For the moment at least we are completely maxed out.
Oh for sure there are things we would like to report on – not least the identity of the anonymous promoter(s) who wanted us to play their Oi festival in Los Angeles but not quite enough to ever actually get in touch with the details. Were they real or just another product of Sandie West’s over-active imagination? Who knows? We’re past caring. There are things in the pipeline we can’t yet report on, and things that have been reported on that shouldn’t be anywhere near the pipeline, like the activities of the Golden Shot or Get Your Gonads USA the Hollywood Pest’s film project which has gone from farce to unforgivable tragedy. We will return at some point, when there is genuine news. In the meantime, stay strong, stand proud and stay free. Your chums, the Gonads. Oi fuckin' oi!
July 17. Happy birthday Diana Schuler!
July 15. Rejoice! The greatest Cockney bust-up is over! The Rejects have patched things up and all is good in Oi the world! A sage Effete El tells us: "I blame Facebook for all this hoo-ha. Once upon a time the Rejects could have enjoyed a hearty fraternal slanging match with optional fisticuffs and no one would have been any the wiser. Now the temptation to go online and rant magnifies every argument." Slippery Maccy Manders is claiming to be the peacemaker but nobody believes him. More interestingly, if the Cockney Rejects can kiss and make up, is there hope for the USA and Red China, or even, god help us, Wattsie and Fat Col?
Sources close to Frankie Flame tell us his mission, to extend the empire of Oi into the afterlife may be close to success. Astonishingly Frank is said to have made psychic contact with former skins, punks and herberts in "the spirit world" via a Oi-ouija board which he has relocated to Mudchute on the Isle of Dogs (said by the great man to be the "omphalos of the British empire"). Nothing more can be said at this juncture, by order of the Ministry of Delusion. But if Chinese Tim comes through mate tell him we're missing the TK chicken.
July 14. Fears grow for the sanity of Sandie West (Hollywood pest) after she sent us a version of her Get Your Gonads USA film which consisted of ten minutes of jumbled nonsense, an hour of empty screen and then more footage without sound. Furious Wattsie is demanding that we take legal action to make sure this so-called movie never sees the light of day. The dream is over.
July 13. There’s some book news over on Gal’s site garry-bushell.co.uk but if you can’t be arsed to look it basically says you can order signed copies of his new novel All Or Nothing from his shop page, and there may be limited seats available for his August book launch and reading. Mod legend Paul Hallam (“the Stalin of Style”) will be presiding. There may even be free plonk (if Lee Wilson is paying).
One of our legion of low-down grasses and treacherous sneaks calls to ask if we knew that a certain overweight VLR writer “likes to type up his piss-poor articles in the nude wearing only a pair of pink nipple tassels”? We certainly did not! We press the mole for the writer’s name but the dirty rat will only say that the toad in question “can be found backstage ligging with any punk band that’ll tolerate him”. How odd.
REJECTS UPDATE: Jeff has announced on FB that he is putting a new Rejects line-up together to play Rebellion. Good luck finding anyone who can play like Micky!
PROLE UPDATE: Band? Ready! Songs? Ready! Album? Ready! Record company? Vermisst! (Missing In Action). Zieh deinen Finger raus, Diana!
GONADS UPDATE: All band members MIB (Missing In Bars).
July 12. Tragic news. It looks like the Cockney Rejects are breaking up. Vinnie is leaving the band, according to his Facebook page, and insiders say Mick looks set to follow. We don’t what’s behind this gutting development – although the smart money is on an explosive internal row. But let’s hope the boys can sort out their differences because they were on top form when we saw them earlier this year.
In case they don’t, however, we understand that the Oi Organising Committee has called an urgent meeting this weekend to decide who should inherit the Rejects’ Oi Oi Top Boys mantle. “If the Gonads nobble the Last Resort it could be you,” whispers scheming power-broker Maccy Manders, adding “You were always the greatest street-punk band ever to come out of Indus Road in Charlton, London SE7. Brackets, Fuck Deptford, close brackets.” But sadly none of us are available to meet the illustrious committee. Gal is in Russia, Clyde’s in LA, Phil is head-banging with those Blackmayne blighters, Miss Management has left Paul SkaNad firmly locked in the downstairs bondage box, JC is searching for answers in Gillingham and Wattsie is off looking for Yanks to get annoyed about. “A missed opportunity,” shrugs Maccy who moves on swiftly to whisper in the PM’s ear instead. We hear the words “You were always the greatest street-punk band ever to come out of Poplar, London E14. Brackets, Fuck Canning Town, close brackets...” in the distance and our hearts sink..
July 11. Huge congratulations to our mate Neville Staple on the honorary doctorate he received yesterday from Arden University in Coventry...in other news, Harley Flanagan is back with a new Cro-Mags vinyl single Don't Give In (Victory Records). He’s backed by Rocky George (Suicidal Tendencies) fame, Gabby Abularach and Garry ‘G-Man Sullivan’ on drums...and there’s good news for fans of hardcore pathetique bands Donkey Laugh and Dom’s IBS. We hear that both, ahem, explosive combos are about to reform following the tragic break-up of their barking mad Donkey Dom collaboration.
July 8. Senior politicians have weighed in with their thoughts on the great Blogxit fiasco. Here, (no, not here - CENSORED), is the PM with a man who’ll never be PM over the weekend – it is believed that Comrade Corbyn called for the “overthrow of the reactionary ruling class relic Waistrel” and “the nationalisation of the Gonads as a matter of urgency”. Blimey, no wonder Tel looks out of focus.
Elsewhere Boris Johnson was holding forth at the Carlton Club where a member of staff tells us he proclaimed “Cripes! What-o! Waistrel? Good egg! Gonads? Crumbs! Terrible racket but Live Free, Die Fee? Yes! Huzzah!” Uncover reporter Fleet Scribbler, our man with the brandy top and decaying liver, tells us: “This won’t be over quickly. Nothing has been settled. Anyone bored with Blogxit should probably avoid this website until the middle of August... including me.” Strewth.
In unrelated news, the Punk Rock Curry Club executive has ruled that any member guilty of “snidey behaviour, gutlessness, leaking, idleness and double dealing or double crossing” shall be immediately suspended with no right of appeal. What can it mean?
July 7. Will Blogxit drag on as long as Brexit? Our mole at the negotiating table tells us fresh issues arise daily. First thing Friday, Waistrel AXED the band’s plans for a Christmas EP and a secret London gig. Other sticking points include his Lordship’s commitment to Punks For Trump, and his “insane” intention of having the Gonads support Cockney comedian Jimmy Jones on a UK tour.
July 4. STOP PRESS. Get well soon American Gonad Jay The Tripod who was rushed into hospital today after experiencing massive chest pains. We’re glad to see that his mates were so sympathetic. Gal for example commented: “Let us know how you get on Jay. Those wallet removal ops can be bloody painful.” While Rodger “Trotsky” Shosa asked “How far apart are the contractions?”
In a semi related story Trotsky asks why Clyde looks so miserable in a recent Instagram shot from our Hastings gig? Our source tells us he always glum when he’s thousands of miles from Sandie West. Understandable. There aren’t many women like her around. Lucrezia Borgia and Eva Braun are brown bread and Rose West is banged up.
July 3. Although this blog is still very much closed with backstage negotiations reaching a feverish pitch, all sides agree that we should remind you that Waistrel’s pal Roy Ellis and his magnificent Moonstompers play the 100 Club THIS SATURDAY supported by the ruler of rude-boy reggae himself, King Hammond... plus the world famous Club Ska Sound System! Keep on celebrating fifty years of skinhead, folks (and try to forget that it actually started in 1967). Get yer tickets from here, droogs.
July 2. Quick update: frantic behind the scenes talks are going on in an attempt to get this blog back online (reports our man in the Dog & Duck with the pint of Stella and double brandy chaser, Fleet Scribbler). The heated negotiations have been likened to the UK’s diplomatic battle with the EU “only far more intense”. The main sticking points according to insiders are threefold:
1) The Jolly Pranksters – said to be the “Northern Irish backstop” of the talks; Lord Waistrel wants the brotherhood’s grand events to be “fully reported” whereas leading elements of the Pranksters want to “preserve our arcane mysteries” from the public gaze. As ever, Terence Hayes (PM) holds the key to a peaceful solution... if only he could remember it.
2) Politics – Waistrel wants us to openly endorse his great chum Boris Johnson, but the trained baboons who write this blog threaten to down tools indefinitely if BoJo ever becomes a regular feature. Effete El whispers that there may be some negotiable settlement which pledges to report on John King’s pro-Brexit People’s Party of Great Britain (should they ever do anything) instead. 3. Dom-Gate. The blog baboons are demanding that Chelsea Dom be given a full and free pardon in recognition of his senior rank in the Punk Rock Curry Club. Their legal representative the Beast tells us that he “believes” Lord Waistrel could be won over to an amnesty agreement by rational argument...and a personal plea from Astrid Von Hinten, the great unrequited love of his life. So mote it be. More news when we have it.
STOP PRESS! LORD Waistrel last night dramatically shut down this blog (again) claiming to be “bally bored sick of it”. In a statement, written by quill in dried bull sperm, the aging reprobate decreed: ‘His most Honourable Lord Waistrel, Grand Prior of the Knights of St George, Grand Knight of the Prior of St Laurie, Earl of Charlton, Protector of Barmaids, Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Jolly Pranksters, Grand Chopper of Feltham-on-the-Hill, first Lord of The Admiralty (pub) and Extraordinary Feudal Knight of the Most Ancient Order of the Pork Scratching, hereby indefinitely SUSPENDS the workings of the Gonads and their so-called blog’. Waistrel gave no written reasons for this draconic action, but sources close to the feudalist reactionary tell us his Lordship has been “spitting feathers” over what he sees as the modern blog’s “sad decline into snowflake codswallop”. Apparently we have FAILED in our duty to update the world on the mysteries and privileges of Pranksterism, FAILED to fully endorse his friends Boris and Nige and “pathetically” let Chelsea Dom off the hook for his “gross crimes against humanity”. Waistrel is also believed to have said that the blog is “more interested in publishing tedious self-serving lists and lesser band’s record news than in taking us inside the fascinating mind of Terence Hayes, PM, and deep into the Yeti’s flannelette nightie”. According to Scrotum, his Lordship’s wrinkly retainer, the boss has told blog staff to “come up with something juicy” if we want to get back online before August. Scrotum tells us: “His Lordship would be ’appy hif you reported on extraordinary events such as Frank Flame’s bid to shatter the world record for underwater piano playing or published pictures of ravishing skin-bird Miss Rockelli jumping naked from a Hercules troop character. ’E’s so bally bored ’e’d hactually look forward to a story about that round-dodging swine Lee Wilson. Sort yerselves hout.” So mote it be.