Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
July 12. Eagle-eyed blog readers ask what happened to the big GBX debut show promised for 7th July in That Essex Place. The gig, if you recall, was organised by the Pranksters – specifically by members of The Ancient & Comedic Order of the Pig's Bladder, Rainham Lodge – and entry was by invitation only. Sadly, the brethren had to change the date to the 17th July, at which point some of GBX will be out of the country. The full line-up for the Rainham extravaganza now is: Phallic Undertones, Donkey Dom and Fat Col's own punkabilly three-piece Penile Dementia. You're better off missing it.
July 11. So Fat Col makes one phone call to Terence Hayes, PM, and by a complete coincidence Tim, the writer of Here Comes The New Punk, immediately agrees to alter the offending 'Curry House Lizzy' sentence in his book... Tim also promises to "have a small animal with sharp teeth chew both of the unsold copies... " in order to stem the spread of the aforementioned humungous libel. Tim raises another Nads mystery too, by telling us that Discogs suggests half of the enigmatic Annie-Auldiron/Gladys Pringle vocal team was actually 'Yvonne, married to Lee Drury'. This is not the case. One of the pair was Jacqui Harthill. We can't remember the other one's real name but we're pretty sure it wasn't Yvonne. In fact we don't remember Lee Drury's missus ever doing any backing vocals for us (or even who he married) but if she did maybe someone could enlighten us. Annie and Gladys were followed on BVs by Tiffany and Parrot Head. And on BJs by... (CUT! – Ed) (Children – Wattsie Watts).
Here Comes The New Punk delves into earlier uses of Oi in popular culture. Tim claims to have discovered the first ever Oi! record – an obscure 1930s ditty called The Oi song recorded by the long-forgotten comedian Harry Carlton, which was released as a 78rpm 10incher. Gal tells us that there is a whole chapter on so-called 'Oi!' Comedians in John Fisher's 1973 book on English comics called A Funny Way To Be A Hero– largely old Cockney double acts who used "Oi!" as punctuations in their acts. He famously took the title of the fourth Oi comp, Oi Oi That's Yer Lot, from the catchphrase of a Cockney comic called Jimmy Wheeler.
Randale Records have announced the release of Royal Oi!'s new LP There's Gonna Be A Row. Diana describes it as "the second album from this English Oi band". Royal Oi! are from Glasgow which last time we looked was still in Scotland. There's gonna be a row, all right...
Randale have also repressed Headcat's album Walk The Walk, Talk The Talk for the third time. Headcat were Lemmy's rockabilly band, with Slim Jim from the Stray Cats and Danny B. Harvey. The new pressing comes with a gatefold cover & with 180 gramm vinyl! 100 in green vinyl from here.
July 10. A legal note arrives by carrier pigeon from Wattsie Watts Enterprises Ltd pointing out that Fat Col is an idiot. This you might feel is not news, but the note goes on to explain that if Gannon had bothered asking he would have discovered that Team Wattsie's baked dog biscuits are shaped like gingerbread men and are made of "entirely natural" meat and cheese. Wattsie's lawyers Dewey, Screwem & Howe, ask us to point out that she is currently developing a plus-size dog treat known as the Fat Col which will be "made entirely of lard, offal and sour cream" with "tiny cheesy genitalia" and "a head full of hot air". She knows him so well.
Wattsie's lawyers add free of charge that any fault Col thinks he's found in the Here Comes The New Punk book would not be slanderous, as that charge relates to the spoken word, but libellous. D'oh! Col still hasn't given us our copy of this hefty tome, but he has sent through scanned pages from the Gonads' section. This contains a passage pertaining to Gonads projects which have been mentioned over the years but have yet to happen. As others have asked about these matters, we will happily reply here. 1) Parousia, our so-called "Oi-pera", is still officially a work in progress. Although 90per cent written this two album Meisterwerk is unlikely to see the light of day before 2020. It is broader in style and more intricate than anything we have ever recorded before and Clyde tells us "it can't be rushed" (our City Of Bones punkabilly project is still happening, too, and an EP taster might come out next year). 2) Curry On Up The Gonads – the full-length feature film is due to start filming in November, under the stern gaze of Hollywood's bewitching director Sandie West. 3) Gal's definitive Oi! book – another work in progress; Fit Bird assures us "'E's done four chapters in'e?" In a similar vein there are no confirmed release dates yet for the second book of Gonads lyrics, our long-awaited annual or the DMG Dirty Metal Gonads album. Gal tell us: "We are always bubbling with ideas and often mention them on the blog too soon, but they do genuinely happen most of the time. I want to finish the Oi! book, I had a great chat with Micky Fitz for it before we lost him. However this will definitely have to wait until 2018 as I'm committed to finishing the new Harry Tyler novel and another East End gangster book first." As ever, watch the blog for all the big news... and all the old cobblers too.
July 9. Fat Col rings up in a fury (for a change) to complain that new Oi! History book, here Comes The New Punk contains "gross slanders". He is particularly steaming about the Gonads section which claims that Curry House Lizzie, who performed on the Old Boots session, was in fact Leah McCaffrey. Not true. Lizzie was a genuine person not a pseudonym. She was a mature woman, in her sixties, and she was actually discovered by that outrageous rogue Paul Devine (round-dodger) playing the piano in his local Indian take-away the Royal in Chislehurst. Gal and Clyde persuaded Lizzie to come along to a studio in Fulham and record a number of Music Hall ditties for a future Gonads Oi meets Music Hall EP. Unfortunately after she'd left they realised that they hadn't made any notes about which songs she'd performed. They couldn't tell one track from another and the whole project fell by the wayside. (We later teamed up with Garrie Lammin to record an Oi version of Charles Coburn's 'Two Lovely Black Eyes' which has never been released either). Anyway, we calmed Col down and asked him what the rest of the book was like."I dunno," he sniffed. "I've only read our bit." Oaf.
Thinking about that Old Boots session, it was all recorded at Right Said Fred's studio. It's well known that Mick Geggus added guitar and vocals to 'Things I Hate' and 'New Boots' respectively. But there were other guest musicians too. Watford Jon from Argy Bargy came along and did vocals for a version of 'England, My Land' that has never been released. And Mickey Beaufoy recorded a version of 'Charlton Belongs To Me' with us – which was 'England Belongs To Me' with altered lyrics. It sounded the nuts. But right at the end of the recording Mickey turned to us and said "You know you can't release this don't you? Our publishers won't let you change the words". Gutting. But you could have let us know that before we started, mate...
July 8. The Last Resort headline a fundraiser for Micky Fitz's family on 8th September. Control, the East End Badoes and Guitar Gangsters are also on the bill, which is co-hosted by Franky 'Boy' Flame at the oasis of Zen-like calm that is the BH2 in Canning Town. Tickets are available now from here www.bh2tickets.weebly.com
Is our friend Louise Distras going to raise the dosh to pay for her second album? Louise has currently got 40per cent of the £11,000 she needs via her Kickstarter campaign but has to entice fans to cough up the remaining £6,285 by the end of the month or it all goes tits up. Revolution is an expensive business, it seems. Maybe her mate Billy Bragg can help. He's cake-o.
Wattsie Watts calls. She is going to "do a Del-Boy" and have a barrow in a market flogging baked natural dog food home-made by her younger sister-in-law. Blinding we say. Then Fat Col seizes the phone to tell her that the only natural dog food is a nice pork chop. The line goes dead. Col just looks at us and says "Sister-in-law... " in a dreamy but disturbing manner.
RECORD Noos: Top Dog's new 7inch, 'Razor Reg' – brutal streetpunk from the mean streets of Cumbria (Longshot)... Aussie skate punks Local Resident Failure and The Decline release a split single on 8th September 8th via Pee Records...
July 6. Here's the bargain of the century! Nads HQ is moving to Chelsfield, so to celebrate we're offering FIVE Gonads albums for half their normal price until the 12th July! That's right, you can buy any of these beauties on CD for just £5 a pop plus P&P. The selected albums are: GLORIOUS BASTARDS, OLD BOOTS NO PANTIES, BUILT FOR DESTRUCTION, GREATER HITS VOLUME 3 – THE COMPLETE COBBLERS and LONDON BAWLING. You lucky people! Get your orders in quick! Offer ends in precisely one week.
July 5. If you missed Gal's new radio show A RIGHT PUNCH UP THE TROUSERS you can listen again via the Mad Wasp website, and Matron's show is on there too.
July 4. Bands are flocking to the big Punks Against Homelessness gig in October. Noel Martin's Evil B'Stards, The Phobics and Bexatron have all joined the all-day bill with us, Infa Riot and Louise Distras. And you get all of this for a fiver in advance! It will be a belter!!
A stern-faced John King last night ordered Gal to debut his one-man show this year. He wrote the script over a year ago but seems reluctant to actually perform it. "Just book a small theatre and do it this October!" the Leader of the Beer Monster Elite commanded. JK and Gal met up with Colin and Steve Burgess from Cock Sparrer at the Nell Gwynne off the Strand for a modest ten pint session. We'd like to reveal all, but "not for the blog" was the watchword of the night and if we told you we'd have to kill you. And then run off with your wife or sister. Or both. We're not fussed.
July 3. Proper news The Gonads, Infa-Riot and Louise Distras are all confirmed for the big Punks Against Homelessness all-dayer at the New Cross Inn on Sunday 1st October. All monies raised will go to Crisis. The event page is here, and the direct link for tickets is here. They are a fiver in advance and you can't get better than that! Or can you? Rumours that Lee Wilson will buy a pint for the first ten punters through the door cannot be confirmed.
Plans for a Wattsie Watts Xmas calendar have been scuppered by... Wattsie herself. The outraged dreamboat sprang into action as soon as she learnt that Fat Col had pre-sold 100 copies of the offending "project" into various punk outlets. Due to be released in late November, the festive calendar is believed to consist entirely of pictures that Col either took surreptitiously or stole from Facebook. Wattie warned Waistrel that she would "do Col with the stage cock" if the calendar were published. Unfortunately Colin took this message entirely the wrong way and has hired deluxe camera equipment for what he is calling his "first ever sex tape".
Out now: the tenth anniversary 10inch re-release of Marching Orders seven song EP Dead End Street, available from Randale and Longshot... and The Cliches' brand new 3-track Divide & Rule.
July 2. Fat Col has been unusually quiet for a while – and for once it's for a good reason. For Lord Waistrel asked the flabby sex pest to undertake an important task on his behalf. To wit, Col was instructed to check sales records and work out an accurate list of the all-time best-selling Gonads releases. He was also tasked with going through every review we have ever had to produce a separate list of the most critically acclaimed Nads albums. The two lists make interesting reading. The best-selling Top Five LPs are pretty much as expected:
1) The Gonads - Live The Official Bootleg double album
2) Back & Barking
3) Greater Hits Volume One: Plums
4) Live Free Die Free
5) Punk Rock Will Never Die
Of these albums 1, 2, 3 and 5 are sold out in all formats and are completely unavailable. The best-rated list is slightly different however. That has Plums at number one, followed by Back & Barking, last year's All The Loonstompers, the Live Free Die Free double album and The Gonads Live Official Bootleg double album, with Old Boots No Panties bubbling under. As to singles and EPs, brother Gannon found that the best-seller was Oi Mate, followed by Pure Punk For Row People and the St George's Day EP. Col's co-researcher Effete El (The Fighting Poov) tell us: "We're not entirely sure what any of this means, but it is irritating that Captain Oi who claims to own the rights to 'Live - The Official Bootleg' (but won't produce the paperwork to prove it) has refused to make it available again on vinyl and/or CD because the Captain hates side 3 (the pub piano side)." The man's a philistine. ALL featured albums except for Live & Loud, Back & Barking, Greater Hits Vol One and Full Time Result are still available from our shop page in limited quantities.
Our full album discography is: 1983 Live - The Official Bootleg (Syndicate Records), double album. 1987 Full Time Result (Link) – split album with The Blood. 1989 The Revenge Of The Gonads (Street Link). 1994 Punk Rock Will Never Die (Harry May). 1999 Oi! Back & Barking (Captain Oi). 2001 Schitz-oi!-phrenia (Captain Oi). 2006 Old Boots No Panties (Captain Oi). 2008 Live Free, Die Free (Empty). 2009 Live Free, Die Free (Joe Pogo) - vinyl double album. 2010 Glorious Bastards (Contra). 2011 Greater Hits Volume One:Plums (Randale Records). 2012 Greater Hits Volume Two: The Mutt's Nuts (Randale Records). 2012 - Just The Filth (Gal's solo compilation) (Soitainly). 2013 - Built For Destruction (Randale Records). 2015 – Greater Hits Volume 3: The Complete Cobblers (Randale). 2016 – London Bawling (Randale acoustic album). 2016 – All The Loon Stompers (Randale Ska & Skinhead Reggae comp).
Our Singles and EPs: 1977 Stroke My Beachcomber Baby (Scrotum Records). 1981 Pure Punk For Raw People (Secret Records); EP. 1982 Peace Artists (Secret Records); EP. 1983 Delilah – The Punk Epic (Razor Records); EP – as Max & Gal, the Brothers Gonad. 1997 Oi Nutter (1,2,3,4 Records, UK; Pub City Royal, USA). 2006 Oi Mate (Soitainly) – download single. 2008 Punk Is Back (Havin' a Laugh Records) – split vinyl EP with Klasse Kriminale. 2008 Go Ska With The Gonads (Soitainly) – download EP. 2008 St George's Day EP (Soitainly) – download EP. 2011 Charlton Boys – five track vinyl EP (Randale Records), also available as a download. 2011 Boot Boys - limited edition vinyl split single with Infa-Riot (Randale Records). 2012 – Skinhead Lullabies by the SkaNads, four track vinyl EP (Randale Records). 2013 - Hooligan Classics Vol 2 four track split vinyl EP sampler with Stomper 98, Iron Fist & The Resort Bootboys (Randale Records). 2013 – split vinyl EP with The Uprisers (Black Hole Records & Skinflint Music). 2013 Doctor Punk – The DMG/Maninblack split single (Randale). 2014 The SkaNads/Girls Next Door split single (Randale/Soitainly). 2016: Dogging In Dartford/Temazepam download single (Soitainly). 2017: Oi! We Will Never Be Divided – The Gonads/Uchitel Truda split (Steeltown).
Tracks and Oddities 1981 Tucker's Ruckers Ain't No Suckers – track on Carry On Oi (Secret). 1981 Oi Christmas – track on the Bollocks To Xmas EP (Secret). 1982 TNT – track on the Total Noise EP (Total Noise). 1982 Getting Pissed – track on Oi Oi That's Yer Lot (Secret). 1983 Jobs Not Jails and Lager Top Blues – tracks on Son Of Oi (Syndicate) (we also appeared as Prole and the Orgasm Guerrillas). 1984 SE7 Dole Day – track on The Oi Of Sex (Syndicate) (we also appeared as Prole and the Orgasm Guerrillas). 1984 The Joys Of Oi and Eat The Rich on The Joys of Oi (Syndicate - not released until years later). And we think, although the memory is going with old age, that this is the comp that featured Gal's 'Reg & Ron' by Lord Waistrel & The Cosh Boys with Mark Brabbs from Tank as Waistrel. 2002 Unky Bunk – track on Addicted To Oi (Captain Oi). 2006. England, My Land – hidden song on Old Boots No Panties. 2007 Hey You – track on Oi! Fuck You (Ascalon Records). 2008 Alconaut and Valhallaballoo – tracks on The Kings Of Streetpunk (GnR Records) (we also appeared as the Orgasm Guerrillas and The High Priests Of Mong). 2011 'Cheeky Chappie' & 'Long Ska Summer' – tracks on the Buster's Ska Battalion 'Ska For Heroes' download EP for forces charity; vinyl release April 2012.
RECORD Noos: London Ska-punks King Punch have released a new single called Low Profile... Goatwhore have released their Vengeful Ascension LP on vinyl via Metal Blade Records; vinyl includes digital download code... all-female NYC trio Jigsaw Youth are now streaming their debut album America's Sweethearts... Florida skate punks Concrete Criminals have released 5-track EP Coping Mechanism (Not Like You Records)... Taang have reissued Jerry's Kids' 1983 debut album Is This My World? on coloured vinyl. According to Fat Col it's "as brutal and persistent as a Wattsie Watts rejection" - something he has experienced many times... and finally in film news, Japanese punk documentary Danger Boys: Punks in Osaka will be released in December.
Black Sabbath legend Bill Ward is flogging off more than 200 bits of kit on his Reverb shop. The gear spans decades, and includes two cymbal sets played on classic recordings and huge tours from 1968-1978, not to mention a massive archive of meticulously archived used drums head, signed by the man himself...
July 1st. It's a big night tonight, the Yeti's washing her hair. In other news have fun at Hyde Park kids...