July 31. Hush now Rude Boizze!!!! Last night’s King Hammond show at The Gaff was a sell-out success. New songs like ‘The Rudest Girl In Town’ and ‘Riot In London Town’ went down a storm – there are just a few copies of the new ‘The King & I’ album left if you’re quick. The King is back! Long live the King!

July 30. The Gonads Greater Hits album will go ahead next month – whether we hear from the record label or not. Band trouble-shooter FB last night confirmed that our studio dates are still in place and the CD will be available before Christmas. “The forces of Professionalism will not be stopped,” he said. “Nor our progress derailed by Continental inefficiency.”

*The Street Dogs new album, called simply ‘Street Dogs’, is out on Hellcat on the 31st August. Songs include ‘Up The Union’, ‘Hang Em High’ (about the Bernie Madoff scandal), ‘Wild In Portland’ (about the economic depression) and new anthem ‘Rattle & Roll’ which is up on Johnny and the boys’ myspace page as a taster.

Fat Col is trying to find a co-investor to open an Oi-Oi tattoo parlour in Charlton. Apparently he’s serious about this. He got the idea when Lars opened one called Skunx in Shibuya, Japan, with Tokyo Hiro a few months back. Col tells us he’s planning on getting his Mickey Dolenz tatt removed. Good. It’s about time he got that Monkee off his back.

July 29. The Gonads Operation McChrystal faces its first hurdle due to the flakiness of our German allies. Randale, the record company who agreed to fund the Greater Hits album, have gone off the radar, leaving next month’s recording sessions in doubt. We’re told they have problems with phone reception because they are based in the Black Forest. Is there no internet connection in Baden-Württemberg? Are there no land lines? It’s not exactly the Tora Bora caves is it? Even Bin Laden finds time to communicate with the world periodically. Our old mates Contra records aren’t much better. We still have no clear release date for the 30th anniversary Oi album and no sign of ‘Glorious Bastards’ – recorded nearly a year ago - ever arriving in CD form. Gal is said to be somewhere between disappointed and furious. Quoth the Beast: “The Teutonic reputation for ruthless efficiency seems to be a thing of the past.” Yeah. On the subject of Contra, he adds: “Maybe years of living under Stalinism has imbued East Germans with a culture of secrecy and inefficiency.”

* WATTSIE Watts has put our protest song ‘Ian Tomlinson’ up on YouTube here. She suggests we make it available for download and give all profits to the Ian Tomlinson Campaign Fighting Fund.

* FIT-Bird tells us that Gal’s solo album will hold more surprises than a transvestite’s drawers. It will apparently be influenced as much by the Goons, the Bonzos and the Small Faces as Ska and the Blockheads. Taking a break from admiring Corin’s nails, she adds: “It’ll probably be out next year. Gal’s in no rush. He’s working with pukka moosos and some big label is bang up for it, know what I mean?” We hope that Gal will update ‘Things I Hate’ to include the Brokeback Coalition, the Milibands, the god-awful new A-Team film, Nazi bands who pretend they’re not Nazis, Deborah Meaden, Men’s Hour on Radio 5, twats who get sentimental about urban foxes and Jonathan Harvey episodes of Coronation Street. (Cont the Sidney Arms.)

* NEXT month’s Jolly Pranksters’ summer gathering is on. Brethren know where and when. No-one knows why.

July 28. Happy birthday to Leah McCaffrey! A report from her party this Saturday will surely follow.

* The League of Labour Skins is planning a reunion social in Chelsea next month. The League, which was formed by Battersea-based Joe Mcavoy in or around 1980, disbanded in the late eighties. According to our source there will be no attempt to revive it as a functioning organisation as "the Labour Party is no longer for the working class." However we understand that some former members are planning to back John King's mooted street-socialist party if he ever gets around to launching it.

* Calling all lovers of 'reggae of the 69 kind' - don't forget, the great King Hammond plays Club Ska at The Gaff in Holloway Road on Friday night, 30th July.

July 27. Shock news from Chenille Steele. The self-styled “glamour girl who likes it up the bum” finds herself unexpectedly pregnant. Her friend Georgea tells us “She has hung up her Perspex platforms, put her Christmas single recording session on hold, and she’s taking it easy.” We’d suggest that “taking it easy” is what got her in this condition in the first place. Apparently Chenille is suffering dreadfully from morning sickness and nothing is helping – not even Babycham and ginger. However Georgea assures us that “as soon as she has had the DNA test and sold her story I am sure she will recover.” We’re pleased to hear it. But why are Gal and King Hammond looking so worried?

SERIOUS Stop Press: we’re hearing disturbing reports about the arrest of Discipline singer Joost De Graaf in Holland on an alleged murder charge – details when we get them.

July 26. Maninblack are planning a Christmas single including re-arrangements of two traditional festive songs. André tells us he's "not really a Xmas kinda guy" and asks for suggestions for yuletide standards he can "re-imagine" to “reflect a dark proletariat/atheist feel.” How about ‘Frosty the Hit-Man’ or ‘Away With A Minger’? By coincidence Gal says he has written a “joyous new Xmas anthem” called ‘Miracle In My Trousers.’ Very tasteful. Fat Col had sex with a plump large-breasted bird last December. Apparently it ruined the Christmas dinner completely.

* A good turn-out for the Badoes at BH2 last night, and an excellent set from Booze & Glory who are hotly tipped to “rise through the ranks”...

*UFO's Phil Mogg, 107, provided one of the many highlights of yesterday's High Voltage knees-up in Vicky Park. There were huge technobollogical problems with Vin's amp, which meant the Moggster had to ad-lib like a
rock'n'roll bastard. The crowd loved it - the funniest UFO have been on stage since Pete Way's trousers split.

July 24. Gonads flag girl Vikki Thomas is on John Bishop’s Britain tonight. Voluptuous Vikki tells how her fiancé “stumbled across me on the internet.” Never heard it called that before. Her fella is a lucky bastard. The last glamour girl Fat Col chatted up over the Net turned out to be an 18-stone road-digger with halitosis.

*OUR protest song ‘Ian Tomlinson’ is now up on myspace.

* History lesson time. Remember when Jimmy Pursey broke up Sham, and briefly teamed up with Cook and Jones as the Sham Pistols? Well Dave Parsons didn’t just shrug and give up. He replaced Pursey with Jimmy Edwards from Masterswitch. Their partnership lasted for less than a month, but they wrote a song together called ‘Dare To Win’. Then JP returned with his tail between his legs, weaselled his way back in with Dave, changed the words and released it as ‘Unite & Win’. Three decades on, Jimmy Edwards and Dave have been in the studio with Sham leg-ends Rick Goldstein and Kermit and they’ve recorded the song as it should have been – a first taste of the Pursey-free Sham 69 of 1979. It’s co-produced by John Summerton from Flintlock and should be out as a single in September.

*HC album of the week: ‘Lock & Key’ by Cruel Hand on Bridge Nine; out now on colour vinyl and CD. Their best yet if you like that sort of shit.

July 22. Our old mate Wattie Buchan made the risky mistake of turning up late to a Jerry Sadowitz gig recently in Jockland. The outrageous comedian proceeded to rip the Exploited front-man a new arse, even telling his girlfriend that she could do so much better. Wattie told pals: “I went as pink as my hair.”

*Monday’s PiL gig at the Shepherd’s Bush Empire was a strange affair. Sandra Lane reports that Lydon turned on a section of the crowd branding them “the enemy” because they wouldn’t stand up when he told them to. John also denounced people who had questioned his plans to tour Israel as “ignorant fuckers.” There was no Jah Wobble but Sandy says guitarist Lu Edmonds and bassist Scott Firth were “as hot as ghost chilli”.

July 21. The Oi Organising Committee last night condemned the “McCarthy-like blacklist operating on continental Europe.” The Committee said it was “disturbed by the culture of suspicion and finger-pointing generated by the far-Left which seeks to associate innocent bands with the far-Right.” It went on: “A climate of fear exists where people are worried about playing European festivals just in case another band’s drummer once played with a dodgy outfit, wore the wrong t-shirt or stood next to some random idiot they didn’t know from Harry for a photograph. It’s not right that they should get tarred with the same brush. In fact it’s absurd, dictatorial and farcical.” A spokesman for the OOC said, “Everyone knows that we have fought against bigotry and fascism since our formation in 1981. If any Nazi or racist bands were trying to infiltrate our scene we would denounce them. Our worry is the so-called ‘Grey Area’ list that exists in Europe; all it takes is for some arsy-Stasi numpty to put your name up and you become tainted, without a shred of evidence. It’s all based on lies, suspicion and that most untrustworthy of sources, the internet rumour. In its most extreme form, showing any sign of patriotism is seen as evidence of ‘miss-thinking’. It’s time to stop this nonsense. Most Oi fans have no time for any extremists of any kind, left or right; why should we let middle class Marxists dictate who we can or can’t play with? We should either Rock Against Fascism, Communism and the Blacklist or more positively Rock for Freedom and against Political Correctness and thought control.”

July 20. Gal’s Funny Old Cockney Bastards comedy tour is now set to launch next February. Watch this space for details.

July 19. Nothing more will be said here until it needs to be said, by order of the committee.

July 18. Last night's Yobstock attracted a capacity crowd to BH2. Our spy tells us: "Superyob were great and Evil Conduct were on very good form. The place was rammo, there were people in from all over Europe and the USA and there wasn't a hint of ag all night." Sad to say Brucie and other mooted star guests failed to show up, but, says our spy: "We didn't need them. It was a terrific night, well done Frankie."

*The split personality of Terry 'Two Bands' Hayes faces a reality check in Blackpool next month. It seems he's playing Rebellion with the Badoes just 24 hours before headlining the anti-Rebellion protest show with the London Diehards...Let's just hope he doesn't fall out with himself about it. We hear Tel's shrink diagnosed a split personality and charged the WM £200. Quick as a flash, Tel gave him a bulls-eye and said: "Get the rest of the money off the other bloke.".

July 17. Operation McChrystal begins. We play our first gig with new drummer South Coast Steve at The Talbot, Bournemouth on 7th August... Our mates King Hammond are playing the Fordham Festival the next night (Aug 8th)

*AN email arrives from Diana of Germany's Randale Records inviting us to go "dringing" with her tonight in Canning Town. We'd like to, but we're not sure what dringing entails or whether our backs could take it.

*Liberty has been in the studio recording seven nifty new numbers, we await the CD with trembling anticipation.

*GOOD news for fans of brilliant hardcore pioneers the Bad Brains. ‘Live At CBGB 1982’ has just come out on colour vinyl. Confusingly, the songs are all different from their CD of the same name.

July 15. We will play two London gigs with the Cockney Rejects in October. The shows, at the Garage, will be on Saturday Oct 9th and Friday Oct 15th.

July 14. RIP reggae legend Barrington ‘Sugar’ Minott. The great Jamaican toaster, producer and sound system operator died last Saturday aged 54. He had a good thing going.

July 13. Frankie ‘Boy’ Flame calls. He’s expecting big name special guests at Yobfest this Saturday, but who? The crafty Cockney rascal won’t say. We don’t want to spoil the surprise, but the word on the streets is that Frank went to school with Bruce Forsyth. Obviously he’s a few years older than Brucie but the connection is there. And imagine that duet! Frankie singing ‘Eighteen’, with Brucie yelling “Higher! Higher!” Never mind ‘The Day They Tore The Ritzy Down’ – Bruce was there the day they built it. It’d be Superyob meets Super-yawn. Anyway, confirmed bands for the BH2 do include Evil Conduct, Skinfull and just for a change the London Diehards.

* Most odd. Pete Way calls at about 1.30pm and sounds almost sober. Seems things are going well with the great man’s latest solo album and Michael Schenker will be guesting on a couple of tracks. Let’s hope he’s still nuts. When he moved to Palmers Green in ’74, Schenker nicked his next door neighbours’ pet bunny. He then told Phil Mogg (adopts German accent): “I have stolen ze rabbit, I have him inz my flat, he is shitting everywhere.” The distinctly odd guitar god then fattened it up and eventually ate it. His whole place was covered in rabbit crap for months.

* FB has been given his toughest assignment to date – he’s taken over the great Gonads Curry merchandising venture. This product is going to be hot. How hot, you ask as one? Let’s just say Xbox 360s won’t be the only things with a red ring of death... Less importantly FB, Mick Maverick and Nacho Jase have all now been formally admitted to membership of Pranksters. The ceremony took place in “a wooded sanctuary” a couple of days ago. Terence Hayes, WM, would have over-seen proceedings but he had his Mum over for tea.

* Our old mate, the renowned philanthropist and big-spender Mickey Fitz is in a state of panic because Tosh has quit the Business ahead of their big Canadian tour next month. If only there were another guitarist he could call in as a last minute replacement. Say a big bald fella who is down to earth, easy to get on with and an all-round good egg. Someone who knows all the songs and who’d have a whale of a time on tour. Nope, can’t think of anyone.

* The Chords, Deptford’s own 1979 mod-rockers, are back and gigging for the first time in 30 years. Their tour kicks off in Glasgow (Ivory Black’s) on 19th August and they’re releasing a new single, ‘Another Thing Coming’ – their first since 1981. It’s the original line-up: Billy Hassett (vcls/gtr), Chris Pope (gtr/vcls), Martin Mason (bass/vcls) and Brett "Buddy" Ascott (drums). Hmm. First the Purple Hearts, then the Selecter, now the Chords. Who next? Case? Crisis? The Violators? Toad The Wet Sprocket? (They never went away, unfortunately – Metal ’Ead Ed). What is it that drives these old codgers to try to relive their largely imagined past glories like bored mutts returning to sniff their own turds? (We’ll ask Gal and Terry H when we see them, but we suspect a mixture of nostalgia, misanthropy and falling testosterone levels). Surely it can only be a matter of time before the legendary Bert & Col bury the hatchet.

July 12th. A serious news announcement. In a shock move Gal yesterday called for a Gonads surge to re-establish the band as Britain’s leading street rock combo. Operation McChrystal will see the band “break out of the straitjacket of low expectations”, he said, adding “No longer will ‘This’ll do’ do.” Gal spelt out a detailed six month plan including intensive rehearsals (July and August), low-key semi-secret gigs on the South Coast, and the recording of the new three-track ‘British Steel’ ep (probably featuring the “seriously intense” new number ‘Beer Can’, the saucy ‘Becky’s Bucket’ and a new improved version of ‘British Steel’.) This will be released in September in advance of the ‘Gonads Greater Hits Volume One’ (early Nov) which will come with a Gonads live DVD. A series of “bold” dates will follow as “we move off the expected circuit and take our music into new territories around the globe.” These gigs will be announced once they have been confirmed. Gal went on: “We will be choosier about what shows we do, but we shall take more risks as well. The aim is to become the poison in the machine again, not snipers firing blanks in a cul-de-sac outside waiting for Gazza to turn up with lager, chicken and a fishing rod.” Operation McChrystal comes with the full backing of our newly formed management company, Waistrel & Associates. Said Waistrel: “If we succeed we shall set a new agenda for hooligan rock ’n’ roll. In the unlikely event that we fail, we shall fail gloriously and retire from the global stage with our heads held high.”

* RIP Myrtle.

July 11. A completely unofficial bootleg CD version of our legendary ‘Live & Loud’ double album is said to be available on the black market. We’re very pleased to hear it, seeing as how that long streak of piss over at Captain Oi has been sitting on the rights for over ten years without ever making it available (says a spokesman for our legal team). It’s believed that Mark Brennan refused to release the album because he hated the drunk side (home of ‘Stop That Drumming’). ‘Live & Loud’ also includes the original ‘Hitler Was An ’Omo’, the Herbert version of ‘Chaos’ and such hard-rockin’ delights as ‘Charlton Warrior’ and ‘Lights Out in Charlton.’ Our message to the bootleggers: Any chance of a copy?

July 10. Detroit punks Choking Susan are on a Rebellion warm-up all-dayer at BH2 on July 31, along with Drongos For Europe, Noise Agents, The Blame, Blitzkrieg and London. We particularly like singer Colleen Caffeine. ‘Cum Like A Man’ she implores, which we guess means from behind with a pint in one hand, a pie in the other and January Jones tackled up on freeze-frame on the DVD player. Apparently the band “overlook Colleen’s lack of talent cos they’re too busy working on their own addictions.”

*We hear that Harley Flanagan from the Cro-Mags appeared as a biker in a TV ad for avocadoes in the States – here he is handing fruit to a fellow-biker: http://www.belefant.com/Hass.html. The Gonads call this man a despicable sell-out and will continue to do so until we get the call from Bombardier Bitter... Kin avocadoes. At least he could have held out for a kumquat.

July 9. Some confusion seems to have greeted the release of our ‘Franken-Skin’ sawblade, specifically no-one seems to know what a bleepin’ saw-blade is. Put simply, it’s a 7-inch vinyl single shaped like a circular saw. Those crazy Germans, eh? All are limited editions; we’re told that they’re highly collectible and that Paul the psychic octopus is a big fan.

*Music news. Tim and Matt from Rancid have been busy with their psychobilly side project, Devil’s Brigade. Their debut album is released on Aug 31st by Hellcat... Joey Briggs from the Briggs is bringing out a limited edition 7" (just 500 pressed) called ‘Politics, Touring and Self-Loathing’ next month on Northeast Records...The London Diehards are busy recording their next release. Titles include ‘We Salute You’, ‘London Can Take It’, ‘Anthems For A Fighting Nation’, ‘Don't Let Me Down’, ‘One Way Of Life’, ‘Organise’ and ‘Wake Up’... meanwhile the WM’s other band, the East End Badoes bring out their debut ep this weekend – it’s only taken them 29 years. Expect the Badoes’ debut album some time in 2120.

July 8. A message arrives from our old buddy Thomas Mensforth, singing the praises of Mad Dog 357 Magnum. The lethal sauce is said to be 2000 times hotter than Tabasco measuring a tongue-torching 160,000 on the heat scale. “It’s unbelievable,” Mensi raves. And apparently if you gargle with it every morning for a month you too could get a voice like Millwall Roi’s. The Upstarts London gig is back on for September, but it’s unlikely that we’ll be supporting them. I mean, would you want to follow Mad Dog Tom into the back-stage khazi?

*AT least two popular oi-oi combos are thinking of calling it a day – and one of them is us. Don’t forget to check back here on the glorious twelfth (Monday) for MAJOR revelations.

*Wattsie and her twin sister Shona have been moaning that we have so far failed to market ‘Mistress Material’ knickers. Meet us half way girls, the least you could do is supply a pair. Worn and warm would be nice.

July 7. Gal has written “an album’s worth of new material,” according to his PA, Fit-Bird. The new songs include ‘Anti-Panties’, ‘They Died Heroes’, ‘Secretions & Lies’, ‘Dog Fight’, ‘Beer Can!’, ‘Taliban Batty-Man’, ‘Hose Down’, ‘Bertie Bingo’ and ‘Becky’s Bucket’. When we asked if they were for the Gonads or his solo album, Fit-Bird replied: “I dunno, I had to leave to watch Big Brother, din’ I?” Well, Corin has got such lovely nails.

* The East End Badoes are back! Yeah! The combo were rehearsing last night for a gig “dahn the Bridge” on July 25th. It’s a free gig, naturally, because (an insider whispers) if they charged no-one would come.

July 6. It’s the official London Rude Boy Festival on July 30 at the Gaff, featuring King Hammond, Swagga, and Semi-Skinned plus DJs. Tickets are a cockle in advance or twelve sovs on the door. But move fast, there’s only 250 for sale at www.wegottickets.com or www.stargreen.com. King Hammond aficionados should check out Nick Welsh’s facebook page for gems such as ‘Chicken & Chips’ and ‘Big Organ’ (featuring the late great Judge Dread).

*Our pal and theoretical North American member André Schlesinger is having a birthday booze-up this Thursday July 8th at the Double Down Saloon (14 Avenue A at Houston Street, 10009 in Manhattan). If you’re in New York, why not buy the old bugger a drink before Sarri Hand gets him smashed and fixes him up on another ‘date’ with the Saloon’s coin-operated horse ride.

*Kiria was told she “looks like Morrissey” at a photo-shoot yesterday. That’s charming, man. Morrissey songs that make us think of Kiria: 1) Angel, Angel, Down We Go Together 2) I Know It’s Gonna Happen Some Day 3) Such A Little Thing Makes A Big Difference. 4) Big Tits Strikes Again (Cut! – PC Ed). Ignore the knockers, Kiria, and we’ll try to do the same. You’re the one for me, fatty.

* Liverpool Oisters Clockwork Destruction (from the ‘Son of Oi’ album) reformed for a one-off gig at a mate's party on Saturday. More gigs are now likely, we’re told.

July 4. Our shock rock buddies Spit Like This are in the studio tomorrow, recording their second album ‘Normalityville’. Bassist Vikki tells us that The Spits are on in the Bullhead Tent at the Wacken fest next month. Headline acts are Maiden, Alice Cooper, Mötley Crüe, and Slayer.

July 2. Gal and senior Pranksters were guests at the Silver Clef Awards in town today; along with prestigious rock faces such as Slash, Ronnie Wood, Kinks legend Ray Davies, the Hobbit-sized Muse, fox-botherer Brian May, Roger Taylor, and hostess Sharon Osbourne plus the very gorgeous Myleene Klass, Lisa Stansfield, Our Cilla, Dame Vera Lynn, Alan Curbishley, Russell Watson, JLS, our old mate Status Quo manager Simon Porter, and many more. And if that sounds like drunken name-dropping we’ll excuse it by saying it was all for a very good cause – in three hours more than £400K was raised for the superb Nordoff-Robbins music therapy charity. (Details HERE). We feel a ‘Quo Back On Corrie’ campaign should start now. Oh, and Curbs for England! 

*After all the chest-beating it seems that Dagenham’s own Underclass UK have the most accurate England 2010 anthem in WORLD CUP TEARS (OF A NATION). The song is about public disillusionment with “the selfish antics of a group of young men with too much money and too much adulation after yet another crash and burn tournament.” The song features the voice of the TalkSPORT Strongbow idents Rupert Degas. All profits go to The Bobby Moore Fund. Download it HERE.

July 1st. It’s here! The legendary ‘Frankenskin’ saw-blade arrived under armed guard (well UPS) today. It’s a split single backed with ‘Wir Sind Dabei’ by SpringtOifel which is German for ‘We Participate’. In what, we couldn’t tell you. Possibly stamp collecting or casual anal sex with nubile slave girls as seen on Spartacus: Blood & Sand. We didn’t like to ask. Anyhow, as a token of our affection for YOU, the mighty Nads Army, we are putting just ten of these rare and priceless collectibles up for sale for just £4 a piece (to cover our costs) + p&p. First come, first satisfied.

* As a Rebellion warm-up, Section 5 play the Red Lion, Burslem, Stoke on Trent on 30th July. It’s their only home-town show this year.

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