Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
Jan 30. Gal Gonad’s call for us to record a “rude blues ep” has been roundly condemned by pretty much everybody. Gal wanted us to team up with veteran blues star Dana Gillespie and guitar hero Den Stratton for the project which would have included Empty Bed Blues, King Size Papa, Organ Grinder and Big Ten Inch (Record). An angry Fat Col led the immediate online backlash saying, “Gonads fans are heartily sick of Gal and Clyde writing songs that never get released and floating ideas that don’t see the light of day. Last month it was a rockabilly ep, last year salsa, now a rude blues one. It’s time these two clowns stopped effing about and gave the public what they want – to wit, my own album 18 Stone of Dynamite, Half Inch Fuse.” Well said that man.
Concerned readers are asking why Morris Men were not included in our list of possible Nads Fest turns. This was of course an oversight and we apologise unreservedly. Morris Men are welcome, as are knife throwers and levitation artistes. There might even be room for support bands. You are welcome to apply, but be warned our standards are higher than a gang of dope-smoking, mushroom munching hippies on the International Space Station.
Poor old Spizz is trying to cover his arse over his demonstrably false claim that he once had a Top 20 album. “I was talking about the Our Price chart,” he tweets. The Our Price chart? Of course. Sadly no historical records exist to prove or disprove this preposterous fib. But we can certainly trump it, because Gal’s solo CD Just The Filth reached NUMBER ONE in no less a retail outlet than the Top Frys Fish Shop in Charlton Village. Granted to the best of our knowledge no other CDs were ever sold over the counter there, but, like Spizz, we’ll take whatever glory we can find and run with it…
Why is the Rose & Crown not included on the Gonads pub crawl/tour, ask several confused members of Club 77? The pub had a song of its own on our Old Boots No Panties album, praising the barmaid who allegedly “never wears a frown… she swallows and she keeps it down”. Fat Col is entirely to blame for this shocking oversight. On hearing the song in 2006, he went straight to the wrong Rose & Crown (Ye Olde one in Greenwich) where the barmaid didn’t take kindly to his advances. When he found the right boozer, in Welling, he chatted up the wrong barmaid – one who always wore a frown (and didn’t swallow at all). Long story short, he’s now banned from both pubs so it’s off the tour schedule for good.
Jan 29. Driven mad, okay madder, by Lockdown, Fat Col has come up with a blinding new money-making scheme for when normal life resumes – a Gonads drinking tour. For an undisclosed fee, lucky punters would be driven on a “deluxe” pub crawl of taverns associated with our long and illustrious history. This would start with The Lord Northbrook at Lee, often associated with The Business, but in fact the pub where our pre-Gonads band Pink Tent drank when Micky and Steve were barely out of short trousers. Other boozers on the tour include the White Swan in Charlton Village (as mentioned in SE7 Dole Day: ‘and when the Swan chucks out, hope the filth ain’t about’), the near-by Bugle Horn (the Gonads are introduced by Paul Devine as “all the way from the Bugle” on the live double album), the Antigallican on Woolwich Road (as in the song ‘Antigallican Last Bell’), the Fox Under The Hill, Shooter’s Hill (Gal and JJ Bedsore’s local growing up), the Fox & Hounds, Plumstead Common (‘in the Waterman’s, in the Fox & Hounds’ – Tucker’s Ruckers), the Blackheath & Newbridge WMC (a pre-match favourite with old Gonads’ crew Charlton Tel, Big Jim, Scotch John and Whippo, and a home from home for the late punk poet and Exploited superfan Dave The Boil) and The Farmhouse on the Coldharbour Estate (another Pink Tent pub, this one frequented – or possibly even owned – by unlicenced fighter Harry Starbuck). The longer ‘pub crawl extended mix’ would also visit the Sydney Arms (Chislehurst) and the Hopper’s Hut (Sidcup, aka ‘The Office’). Sadly, neither tour can include The Lads Of The Village (Charlton), the Waterman’s Arms (Charlton), the Con Club (Charlton), the Wat Tyler (Ferrier Estate, recommended for stolen goods) or the Bridge House (Canning Town) as they are either derelict or no longer exist. As well as tour guide Col’s anecdotes and transport in his white van, he says the price will include his unique home-made sarnies, of cold, left-over chicken madras “sourced from last night’s dinner plate”. A bargain!
Jan 28. We’ve had a few enquiries about Gal’s books. 79 Ska Revival: Dance Craze, 79 Time For Action: Mod Revival, the crime novels Facedown and All Or Nothing, and Hell Bent are all available via Amazon, although Fit Bird asks us to point out that Hell Bent is a comic fantasy rather than pulp fiction. “The cover confuses people, dunnit?” she sniffs. If you want signed copies get in touch with Gal directly or order from his website where available. Cheers.
Happy 75th birthday, Frankie ‘Boy’ Flame! (And happy 60-something to Terence Hayes, DM, a mere stripling in comparison). Oi Frank, what’s it like to be old? We’ll find out soon enough. (Speak for yourself – Wattsie).
STOP PRESS. Our March 12th New Cross Inn gig is now off. We’ll be back with a new date in due course.
Jan 27. Calling all contortionists, comedians, comic poets, fire-eaters, burlesque dancers, strippers, jugglers, spesh acts and seers, to be on the Nads Fest bill in May contact Dodgy Rob via waistrel@the-gonads.co.uk immediately. Let’s get this show on the road!
Has Spizz gone mad? He’s claiming on Twitter that he once had a Top 20 hit. The only Spizz album to ever chart properly was 1980’s Do A Runner by Athletico Spizz 80 which fizzled out at 27. Maybe he’s ponced one too many free drinks from Stalin.
Jan 26. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones have signed to Hellcat and released new track, The Final Parade, which “heralds the ups and downs of the band’s journey and the history of ska”. Singer Dicky Barrett says, “It’s a love letter to Ska music and the people that make Ska music and it’s a whole lot of fun.” Guest artists on the lengthy ditty include Tim Armstrong (Rancid), Aimee Interrupter & The Interrupters, Stranger Cole, Angelo Moore (Fishbone), Jake Burns (Stiff Little Fingers), Jay Navarro (Suicide Machines), Chris DeMakes, Pete Wesilewski, Roger Lima (Less Than Jake), Jimmy G (Murphy’s Law), Toby Morse, Rusty Pistachio (H2O), John Feldman (Goldfinger), Laila Khan (Sonic Boom Six), Robert Hingley (Toasters), Dan Vitale (Bim Skala Bim), Dave McWane (Big D and The Kids Table), Sirae Richardson, Erin Mackenzie, Brie McWane (The Doped Up Dollys), Jesse Wagner (Aggrolites), Karina Denike (The Dance Hall Crashers), Christian Jaccobs (The Aquabats), Jon Pebsworth (Buck O Nine), Dick Fiddler (Donkey Laugh), Peter Porker (The Porkers), Steve Jackson (The Pietasters), Felipe Galvan (Los Skanarles), Jet Baker (Buster Shuffle), Fumio Ito (Kemuri), Glen ‘The Kid’ Marhevka (Big Bad Voodoo Daddy), and Roddy Radiation (The Specials). Co-producer Tim Armstrong calls the song “The Ska Summit”. It clocks in at nearly 8minutes.
Jan 25. At a historic Zoom meeting yesterday, senior members of the historic Oi Organising Committee, including Ronnie Rouman, backed Gal’s decision to never talk to any media about Southall or the second Oi album ever again. Speaking from his safe house overlooking the Med, Ron stated: “Whatever we say these fuckwits will keep dragging up old shit to drag us down in a way they would never do with any other type of music. To speak about it just adds oil to a fire that should have burnt out decades ago.” Here, here.
Random Noos: the Cockney Rejects have lined up four UK gigs for December… the new album from Spunk Volcano & the Eruptions BARRY MILNER IS THICK is out this week on CD and vinyl… and Fat Col is petitioning us to change the title of the scurrilous anthem Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve to…The Fuck-It List. (Oaf! – Ed).
Jan 24. Lord Waistrel is ploughing a small fortune into Nads-Fest 2021. With festivals on the backfoot, his Lordship is gambling thousands on establishing the event as “the New Glastonbury” (albeit in a pub in south London). There’s only one fly in the ointment – Waistrel has appointed Effete El, AKA ‘Ten Jobs Eric’, to book the acts for the event optimistically scheduled for the second weekend in May. Smaller turns already lined up include: The Yeti – whose act involves yodelling The Ride of the Valkyrie while juggling soot, Shep’s Banjo Boys (semi-retired), the American Gonads (a very controversial booking), and a pornographic graffiti performance artist known only as Wanksy. Bigger acts are being considered with some important provisos. El tells us he would “think about” the East End Badoes if they could “prove beyond doubt that any of ’em live in the East End of London”; otherwise, he says “It’s just false advertising”. Oasis, if they reformed, would be a “definite maybe”. Pauline Black has been approached “on condition that she shares a dressing room” (Who with, we ask? “Anyone willing to slip me a bullseye,” El replies). Buster Shuffle, Bad Manners and Rancid are on his shortlist, but Spizz, Lee Wilson and Eddie Piller are all banned following round-dodging accusations. To date, Jimi Hendrix, who has been contacted through a medium, is the only confirmed headliner.
Sadly, Fat Col has abandoned his plans to operate a mobile brothel in the Nads-Fest car park staffed by Gonads-themed sex-dolls. “We’ve had ’em made,” he tells us. “But unfortunately, The Yeti was the size of a bouncy castle and there wasn’t a mute button on The Growler.”
The second instalment of Glory Boys by Jim Iron and John Steel is on the way. It’s Mod pulp fiction in the New English Library style… and if you liked the first, be sure to check out Mod crime saga All Or Nothing set in London’s swinging sixties
RANDOM News: the new single from 45 Adaptors, Now Or Never, is out right now on 12inch vinyl… Lars Frederiksen & The Bastards’ Viking album has been repressed again; it’s available in black, white with “black splatter” and white & black Galaxy vinyl, available now from Pirates Press.
Jan 23. In an unusual about turn (after taking legal advice from the Beast), Lord Waistrel has backtracked, saying that instead offering punters the right to “own” a member of the Gonads, the forthcoming boxset will now include the opportunity to “spend time in the company of the Gonad chosen by the purchaser”. Waistrel’s gentleman’s gentleman, Scrotum, tells us sagely, “Han evening of Wattsie’s conspiracy theories or Gal moaning habout EastEnders would surely be henough for hanyone.” True ’nuff.
Great excitement at Nads HQ today when veteran British blues star Dana Gillespie called. Dana, famous for having bedded rock giants including Bowie, Dylan and Keith Moon, had just one question to ask: “Who is this man they call Colin Gannon?”
Our mates from Atlanta, the Antagonizers ATL, have just released a video for Hold On Hold Strong, featuring the great Monty Neysmith from Symarip. It’s from their new album Kings. An echo of Chaos in the chord sequence, no?
Ray Davies’s play The Moneygoround will be unveiled on The Kinks’ YouTube channel at 8pm next Friday (January 29th). It’s your only chance to see it. Sir Raymond tells us the one-man play is a psycho-drama about “a character facing the challenging circumstances of making an album under extreme pressure… he confronts the dark forces surrounding him after falling into an emotional and financial ‘hole’; eventually he is saved by a song after confiding in his friend, Lola.” Ray wrote the 45-minute play with Paul Sirett who worked with him on the musical Come Dancing and the BBC Radio 4 play Arthur.
Jan 22. Blues legend John Mayall releases a gobsmacking 33CD boxset with extras including books, posters and a signed photo a week today. Not to be outdone Lord Waistrel has ordered work to begin on a deluxe Gonads boxset to include every track we ever recorded – THIRTEEN studio albums, the live double, all the singles and EPs, our unreleased second live album, demos of obscure early songs such as Clouds and Antigallican Last Bell, and – this is the gamechanger – an actual member of the band to keep for life (or flog on eBay)! “Nobody has ever done that before,” his Lordship enthuses. When we timidly suggest that it isn’t in the power of an elderly feudal aristocrat to let fans “own” a member of this great band, Waistrel hits the roof and threatens to “fire dissenters from Gerry Cottle’s cannon and film it as a DVD extra”. (R.I.P. Gerry).
Jan 21. Gal and Clyde have tentatively begun work on a Gonads TV show pilot, said to include “surreal humour, song videos, rants, comedy sketches, stand-up snatches (insert your own jokes here), flag girls, anti-establishment tirades, circus urchins and talent slots – the full Gonads experience”. We’re told the plan is to film part of it live, when pubs and venues reopen, and pre-record the rest. Two possible directors have been found and negotiations have begun. More news when we have it.
With Glastonbury cancelled, the world looks at us demanding to know if Nads-Fest will still go ahead in May. Organiser Effete El, who really hasn’t got enough jobs, tells us that “as yet” no final decision has been taken and he is “hopeful” that the demented all-dayer will “carry on regardless”.
Punk poet John Cooper Clarke has endorsed Tim ‘Teething’ Wells’s new pulp fiction book-in-progress about skinheads and werewolves. JCC says, “The lad Warren Zevon remarked of the werewolf of London that ‘he’d like to meet his tailor’. Indeed, a mere hint of lycanthropy will play havoc with a chap’s stylish shmatta. My pal Tim Wells’s pulp horror, Shine On Me, is a measured, well stitched, ticket pocketed whistle in the New English Library style. Try it on for size.”
An update from our new conspiracy nut, sorry, conspiracy correspondent Carrie Anon, who tells us: “You’re quite wrong and Wattsie was right – something massive of global significance did happen on Tuesday, but we’ll never know what it was because George Soros paid the papers not to print it.” That explains everything.
Jan 20. Well that was a wash-out. We emerged from our bunker blinking into the daylight only to discover that Nothing Has Happened! Wattsie’s warnings came to nowt. Ever been had? (Yes – apparently The Growler was called, but we’ve blacked out what happened next to preserve our sanity…)
Jan 19. Fearful of Wattsie’s prophecy, we will be locked up safely in the Grand Bunker underneath Prankster HQ, Green Lane, Chislehurst, from 7am today until tomorrow morning, with 24 cases of Stella Artois (one for every hour), a selection of meat pies and frozen vindaloos, and a pager number for The Growler (in case of dire emergencies). If we’re the only ones left alive tomorrow, it’s been fun knowing you!
Jan 17. News that the Sex Pistols story is being turned into a hard-hitting TV series directed by Danny Boyle, has sparked rumours that the occasionally true story of the Gonads is next in line for a small screen adaptation. Tight-lipped head of band security, Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) confirms that Lord Waistrel has been “tapped up” by US subscription giant HBO but tells us, “It is extremely unlikely that Gal and Clyde would co-operate with such a project after the farcical treatment they suffered at the hands of self-styled Californian film-maker Sandy West (Hollywood Pest).” How about the others, we ask? “It’s possible that Wattsie, backed by her secret fiancé Fat Col, might go behind their backs for a mega-bucks deal,” he replies thoughtfully. “But then the entire series would be about Wattsie’s struggle with celiac, her alien stalkers and mind-bending conspiracy theories… not to mention her disturbing habit of trying to plaster girly nail varnish on her besotted toy-boy lovers, like Charlie Harper.” (Are you sure? – Ed). “It was be a shame if the Gonads’ glorious 44-year story of lunacy, lust, lager, late night kebabs and heroic failure were reduced to that,” he adds. Very true. Probably best swerved.
Actual Great News #1! The 40th anniversary Oi album is selling so well that Pirates Press have ordered a new pressing on different coloured vinyl, available next month.
Actual Great News #2: According to Gal’s blog he has now finished the latest Harry Tyler/The Face novel which is due to be published this May. Fit Bird tells us that he’s already started the fifth book in the hard-hitting pulp fiction series…
The phone rings. It’s Wattsie who – channelling the spirit of Senna the soothsayer from Up Pompeii – tells us “We’re all doomed, doomed I tell you.” She speaks quickly of conspiracy websites and the “scary” prophecy that is due to be fulfilled on January 19th. “Watch the news on Tuesday,” she says, her voice all a-quiver. “That’s when it will all happen. We’re doomed! Doomed! Just mark my words.” Yes. Ahem. Much as we love her, we do sometimes wonder if there’s any way we could swap Shona’s Senna for Julie Ege’s Voluptua... temporarily of course. We’re only talking a year of five.
Jan 16. The Jolly Pranksters – motto, ‘Beer, Beef, Liberty & England’ – are refusing to respond to Fleet Street claims that they are “Tory Anarchists”. When we called acting WM, Effete El, he just snapped “tabloid smears” before slamming down the phone. Bit rude. We finally managed to speak unofficially to the secretive brethren’s current affairs spokes-bod Mad Mickey Wharton who told us “In my opinion, the gutter press may for once have a point. George Orwell coined the term ‘Tory Anarchists’ to describe people like him and Jonathan Swift who were radical and traditionalist; such people respect the rights of individuals and oppose the ever-expanding power of the state – as all right-thinking people, and certainly all Pranksters, should do.” Blimey.
Mad Mickey refused to comment on other controversies surrounding the jovial fraternity, but we can confirm that twelve members of their so-called Wossname Lodge based in Leigh-on-Sea have been expelled for being “members of an incompatible organisation” (the Freemasons). The net is said to be closing on “other, higher-ranking offenders”.
Random news: Sebi from Stomper has just finished recording his first solo album… work on the new Cockney Rejects album is going well; their first single from it will be a Stray Cats cover… The Aggrolites have just released a live album called Live from The Compound… The Struggle’s new digital single Tension Rising is out now – all proceeds go to Leeds venue BOOM!
Shona’s alien stalker is said to have returned to his home galaxy broken-hearted after she turned down his repeated attempts to “meld” with her on Dartford Heath. But at least he had some luck. The Nosher tells us that she “banged him good and proper” in a smokers’ shelter around the back of Sidcup Morrisons instead. How romantic. Was the alien sex good, we ask? “Out of this world,” she chuckles. She then adds something about “Deep Space 9” but the line is poor and she vanishes into the ether. A spokes-creature for the alien describes his post-carnal condition as “traumatised”.
Notorious thug rock nuisance Sid Hitler last night dismissed claims that he was part of America’s so-called “attempted coup” at Capitol Hill on January 6th after pictures emerged of him in a Hawaiian shirt among the rampaging US protestors. Sid confirms that he was in Washington on the day but adds “It was all a misunderstanding. I was booked on a walking tour of the area and mistakenly thought the demonstrators were part of that. They seemed a jolly bunch – I was the only one who wasn’t in fancy dress. They showed me around the Senate and everything.” Sid angrily denies the charge that he smeared excretia in the Capitol’s offices and hallways. “I would never do that,” he fumes. “That is the behaviour of an animal. Okay, yes, I did piss in Nancy Pelosi’s waste bin but that was only because I was busting and there was a long line of Vikings and Startroopers queuing for the socially distanced khazi.”
Fat Col has started a petition to try and persuade Royal Mail to issue a stamp featuring his erect penis. The silver-tongued charmer tells us that he came up with the plan because he is “sick and tired of getting abuse from the dozy women this band surrounds itself with”. But he says “With these stamps, every time they post a letter, they will have to lick the back of my cock – and I would consider that a sweet kind of revenge.” An unimpressed Wattsie tells us, “Knowing Col I expect the picture on the stamp will be life-size.” Ouch. “See what I have to put up with?” retorted a distraught Gannon. “Come on fellas, sign my petition. I only need a million supporters…” Just 999,999 to go.
Jan 15. Maybe it’s down to our Stella intake, or maybe it was the speed, but every so often a 1980s album comes along that we had completely forgotten about – even though it involved us! Hence our new series, In Praise of Forgotten Albums. Number #1 in this occasional romp down Failing Memory Lane is… The Beerdrop Explodes. This 1983 compilation, apparently compiled by Gal, is a bizarre mishmash of rock, reggae, punk, parody and comedy. It kicks off with The Firm’s Arthur Daley and ends with stand-up from the late, great north east comedian Derek Wade, father of Decca. Other artists featured on the Razor Records comp include Frankie & The Flames, reggae duo Laurel & Hardy, The Gymslips, the Toydolls, Stagestruk (no idea), The Chaps, Dumpy’s Rusty Nuts (finally! – Fat Col), cockney controversialist Jim Davidson, the Gonads posing as “Beergut 100” and The Downbeat. The front cover displays a bunch of sweaty herberts outside the Fox & Firkin in Lewisham. How pissed was Gal when he pitched this, we ask? “As drunk as 1000 sailors… again,” sniffs Fit Bird. Luckily for you, it’s all on YouTube!
Big news! Lord Waistrel has sold the rights to all of the Gonads recordings, including our work as GBX, Prole, DMG, the SkaNads and indeed Lord Waistrel & The Cosh Boys. Scrotum, Waistrel’s wrinkly retainer, tells us: “Following the recent spate of rock and pop legends flogging orff their rights, hincluding Bob Dylan, Neil Young, Shakira and most recently that young whippersnapper Mick Fleetwood, ’is Lordship decided to make a killing and ’e ’as sold the rights to 150 Gonads ditties.” Our interest is piqued. Dylan flogged his songs for £225million, we say, how much did we get? Scrotum’s eyes light up. “Three paund, ten shillings hand sixpence,” he says proudly, adding, “’Is Lordship hinsisted on old money.” Blimey. “That’s just over £3.50,” we gasp. “Yus,” he replies. “’E really ’ad them hover.”
Rumour has it that the next comp in the works will be a mix of ska, street-punk and rude reggae… we’re in, are you?
Talking rumours, wild ones about this great band continue to circulate. In the last few weeks alone we have seen or heard it said that the full name of Wattsie’s delightful daughter H is Hydrangea, that Wattsie and Fat Col are secretly engaged and their constant bickering is a form of foreplay, that Paul ‘Power’ Mummery is an entirely fictional character who has wandered in from the discontinued Channel 4 sitcom 15 Storeys High, that Phil Fury is a lay priest, that James is known as JC because he is renowned for his second comings, that Miss Management has opened a bondage parlour in Croydon, that through a freak accident Clyde has lost the ability to urinate and has to be drained by hand twice a day by a trained nurse, and that Gal secretly listens to the Miles Davis album Kind Of Blue on a daily basis. But none of these whispers are as ludicrous as the claim that Gal and Clyde are writing a punk rock opera based on the long-running (and long-forgotten) BBC radio comedy The Clitheroe Kid including songs like Scraggy-Necked Sue and Tick-Tock Tillie. Between us, we understand at least one of these rumours is entirely true.
Jan 14. Viking hell! Wattsie, concerned for Gal’s safety, today posted this picture on Facebook asking if he’d “made it back from Washington okay”. It will surely be just minutes before Fat Col replies with a lewd horn reference. (For the benefit of the po-faced and dim, we should point out that Wattsie was joking and Sir Gonad was not actually part of last weekend’s Washington protests).
A serious moment. Gal today announced that he will “never again agree to be interviewed about the Southall riot or the second Oi album”. He told this blog: “Over the years I have always happily spoken to newspapers and documentary-makers about 1981 in order to get the truth across and dispel media myths. Without exception my answers have been cut, used out of context or negated by false narratives or deliberate misreporting. Even recently, people I know and trusted have gone boringly overboard on these ancient controversies. So that’s it. There is nothing to be gained by ever speaking about them again. In fact every time they are brought up, in print or on screen, they undo our efforts to build and celebrate the real legacy of street punk. My answer in future will always be, thanks for your interest but no thank you. If you want to read the truth it’s right there in my book Hoolies. If you want to rehash the same tired old bollocks, you can fuck right off.” Well said.
Jan 9. Take that, Gannon! This is the picture that sunk Fat Col’s case against Wattsie Watts – it’s Shona and her alien stalker, united at last! Other visitors from distant galaxies said things like “ET phone home”. Shona’s alien said simply: “Up yours, Col!”
Jan 4. We are sorry to have to close this blog prematurely. A great gloom has fallen over the monkeys who write it. Effete El explains: “We don’t know what has caused it – whether it be closed pubs, postponed gigs or the more serious black dog of depression. But The Glumness is messing with the blog monkeys’ minds and it is the root cause of some of the more disturbing recent posts; consequently, the band feel they have no option but to suspend the blog for the foreseeable future lest things are said that can never be retracted. Let us pray The Glumness passes.” Amen and fuck the world.
Jan 3. As controversy rages about I Should’ve Fucked Old What’s-Her-Name, a letter is hand-delivered to Nads HQ in beautiful downtown Chelsfield from a woman demanding to know if she is on “the list” and adding “if not why not?” The envelope contains a suggestively posed photograph of a mature ex-rude girl wearing stockings and suspenders, and very little else. Our hard-working diplomatic trouble-shooter Effete El says “as a general rule, the Gonads are prepared to accommodate and disappoint any woman who pursues them” but he cautions “if you do make this kind of direct approach and no one replies, it is more likely to be the result of lack of energy, temporary incontinence or age-related short-term memory loss than lack of desire.”
Good news at last! The Interrupters are due to release TWO new albums this year – a brand new studio album and a live one. Watch this space for details.
A resurgent Fat Col last night upped the ante in his battle with the fragrant Wattsie Watts by bringing fresh charges against her. Col told Lord Waistrel that, by continually refusing to be photographed with her alien admirer, Wattsie had SNUBBED the band and DISRESPECTED Waistrel. Paperwork submitted by Gannon alleged that she had “petulantly” ignored repeated requests to pose for the picture for the blog and for the single sleeve – and this despite the alien posing in Christmas gear, pictured, to make himself less threatening and more alluring. He ended by claiming that Wattsie was a “disruptive and subversive” element who he alleged had sabotaged the 2019 Gonads US tour with her “bad attitude”. Independent legal expert the Beast argued that Wattsie’s refusal could be defended and excused by her “obvious fear of being unexpectedly plucked by the other-worldly entity and roughly beamed into a new reality”. Asked about the outstanding “cyber-bullying” charges against her, the Beast replied sternly: “There is no possible justification or explanation for that.”
Jan 2. To all our blog readers and fans: THANK YOU for your continued support throughout a shit year. Like most, we were pissed off to have gigs and events cancelled but there was no point moaning, we just had to keep calm, knuckle down and carry on. Be assured though that as soon as there is a whiff of liberty in the air we shall be straight back out there gigging. One thing that didn’t suffer in 2020 was the quality of new music. Oi – 40 Years Untamed proved beyond doubt that there is still vitality and huge creativity in street-punk. We intend to build on that this year by releasing a Gonads EP in a similar style to Federales. The GBX side project will continue, we have video plans and we’re working on our first rockabilly-Oi! EP too. Gal and Clyde have written more new material than we could feasibly release, so we guarantee that there will be more great music from us for years to come. We can’t give any firm guarantees about live shows. It seems likely that the New Cross Inn gig will be postponed again and it’s too early to say if Gal’s Birthday Bash will go ahead in May. But we’re pretty confident that the Rebellion Festival will. Whatever happen the Gonads will keep in touch with bands, scenes and friends around the globe. This glorious thing of ours, that began forty years ago in the backstreets of London, now has an echo in every corner of the world. It is and always will be working class music, having a laugh and having a say. Unity is strength and all that.
Interesting. New record company data shows that our most streamed songs from July to September last year were: Oi Mate, England My Land and Infected – all songs from Old Boots, No Panties. Cheers for listening. Will Pub Crawl and Federales make the top three when we get the October to December figures?
Here’s a real exclusive – the actual money used by Lee Wilson the last time he bought a round. This historic moment happened at the Lordship Tavern, north London, late in 1979. It has never been repeated.
PARENTAL advisory the following item has Explicit Content and should not be read by anyone easily offended... or with a shred of human decency. Left jubilant by his punishment thrashing, Fat Col has gone on the offensive and reported Wattsie and her “sycophantic son-in-law” James ‘JC’ Cruttwell to Lord Waistrel for “cyber-bullying”. Wattsie started this new mess on Facebook by claiming that there was “not a domestic bath or shower big enough” for Colin to bathe in. Then JC weighed in saying “there’s not enough water in the world to clear all the dirt, sweat and ‘lonely love juice’ off him”. Col told Waistrel that the abuse was “extreme, traumatising and a clear case of bullying”. His Lordship agreed and now Wattsie and JC will face a full enquiry which could result in expulsion from the band. A triumphant Fat Col told this blog, “The enquiry and subsequent expulsion will teach these fat-phobic, mean and snidey cyber-bullies a clear and permanent lesson. This is a case of so-called banter being used as an excuse to humiliate another, frailer human being. They have told lies about me, and I’m not having it. What lies, we ask foolishly? “Well,” he replies “For starters, despite JC’s sick fantasies, there is no ‘love juice’ on me and there never has been. If we must plumb the depths with this kind of childish discussion, then I can disclose that around 95per cent of my solo orgasms in the last ten years have involved thoughts of Wattsie Watts in various erotic scenarios. And the resultant tidal waves of foaming spermatic fluid have never once touched my person – that’s what bedsheets, handkerchiefs and domestic pets are for. In fact, so potent is my jism and so forceful is my ejaculation that on at least three occasions I made one of my socks pregnant... on another, while up a tree adjacent to Wattsie’s property, I actually hit a magpie in flight. It’s really unlucky to spunk over a single magpie but mercifully I was able to coax a second performance out of ‘little Col’ and I managed to hit another one of the thieving bastards – two for joy indeed... ” (Col continues in a similar revolting line for some minutes before we discreetly hang up on him, although sadly we still can’t get the revolting images out of our minds – but for once it’s clearly Wattsie’s fault for attacking the vile oaf in the first place. She has brought this on herself). {Let us never speak about this subject matter ever again – Horrified blog editor.}
*For Gal’s awards of the year, see here.
Jan 1. Released from Belmarsh on Wednesday, poor old Fat Col immediately faced a disciplinary hearing called on by Wattsie Watts and presided over sternly by a whip-cracking Miss Management. His crime? The production and sale of “intrusive” Bex-Ray Specs that allow the user to see right through clothing worn by Bexatron’s Rebecca Bex and – in Col’s pathetic sales pitch – “savour the pleasures beneath”. He was found guilty of “aggravated sexism” and sentenced to six strokes of Miss Management’s bedside cane. Accepting his fate, an ashen-faced Col pleaded with Miss M “please don’t stop at six... ”
GOOD news, bad news. Lord Waistrel has given the go-ahead for our new song, I Should’ve Fucked Old What’s-Her-Name to be recorded. The bad news? He says we must use “real names” or he will withdraw his backing. Effete El, now acting as his Lordship’s go-between, explains, “the good lord is keen on you ‘laying down’ this ditty, as he calls it, but says you will make a mockery of the song if you ‘bally well disguise identities’ or hide behind hints and aliases.” Waistrel issued this statement: “The Gonads as a quasi-musical quintet pride themselves on their very true stories, but their reputation for searing honesty is tarnished if recognition of the ladies mentioned is obscured. If the writers of this unchivalrous balderdash genuinely wish to reflect on carnal opportunities that they feel they have missed over their long and unfulfilled lives, then they should have the decency to name names. Similarly, if the final verse consists of, say, a wish-list of potential future conquests then they owe it to those poor women to let them know they could be ambushed and wooed at any moment. Gonadery trades in honest disclosure, don’tcha know? It might also be of use to elderly patricians who are too busy fiddling their House of Lords expenses to draw up a list of their own. And while we’re on the subject, whatever happened to Ruptured Foreskin Blues?” (The very true answer? We still wince at the thought of it!).
A serious scandal threatens to engulf the Jolly Pranksters after it emerged last week that some members of the bantering brotherhood are also freemasons. A visibly shaken and very busy Effete El (Acting WM) told a hastily assembled press conference that simultaneous membership of both organisations was “incompatible” and “totally unacceptable”. He went on, “Although from a distance Prankster lore and Masonry appear superficially similar – both value their secrets and conduct their rites and ceremonies behind closed doors – they are in fact very different entities. Pranksters are anarchic, subversive humourists who love beer, street music and liberty, whereas Masons are sinister lizard men who effectively run the world” (Are you sure? – Ed). El proceeded to spell out a surprisingly detailed critique of Masonic temple ritual (Taylor’s workings) before calling on any Prankster who is also a Mason to “declare their conflict of interest and leave our fraternity before being exposed and expelled”. Blimey.
RECORD NOOS. Our pals at TKO Records have released two vinyl singles by the Templars. The first 7inch is 54-46 b/w They Use Hate – two unreleased tracks from 1994. 54-46 is an aggressive arrangement of the Toots & The Maytals reggae classic. The B-side is an original unreleased scorcher that a passing rock reviewer dubbed “vintage Templars”. Limited edition: 300 copies. The second single is the re-mastered six-track Clockwork Orange Horrorshow which is now available for the first time on 12" (and the first time on vinyl since a 2005 re-issue). Limited edition: 666 copies... Meanwhile tasty Spanish reggae band the Transilvanians’ brand new fourth album Soulful Space is out now via Liquidator Music, a cheery mix of Ska, rocksteady and psychedelic synths. The 11-track LP features eight originals kicking off with the instrumental reggae of Curse Of The Pharaoh. Covers include a rocksteady bolero and Laurel Aitken’s Boogie In My Bones (400 copies on black vinyl.)
Here’s the latest from Crashed Ooot. Not so much a new song as an old one with a new name – Lockdown Blues
Politics now and cranky controversialist Sid Hitler tells us that his decision to reform his hugely suspect “non-political punk band” The Blackwall Blackshirts is “perfectly harmless” and unlikely to cause concern. “We are the true vanguard of the new, young wave of apolitical thug-rock which tells it like it is,” wheezed Sid, 66, who claims that the band only wear black shirts “in honour of Johnny Cash and Roy Orbison who never left home without one”. The original Blackwall Blackshirts broke up ten years ago after they “accidentally” played a gig celebrating Mussolini’s birthday in his birthplace of Predappio, Italy. “That was all a big mistake,” Sid chuckles. “We got on the wrong bus in Bologna, like you do, and ended up at this funny little bar. Once we was there, people were so friendly we just thought it’d be rude not to play for them.” Stern blog reporter: “But didn’t you play a punk version of the fascist anthem Faccetta Nera?” Sid: “Yes, another complete accident. This geezer down the front started humming it and it was such a jaunty tune we jammed it for a few, um... ” Blog reporter: “Verses?” Sid: “Hours. When we saw all their arms in the air, we thought they were waving at us. No harm was done but the papers got hold of a video and we had to break up. Bloody Murdoch press, capitalist bastards!” Sid, who lost his job as a lollipop man along with his wife, family and friends in the course of the backlash, goes on, “Everyone has forgotten all of that now and I can assure you that you will find nothing controversial in our set or the new album what we’ll be recording.” What’s it called; we ask? “Bring back the Front”, he chirpily replies before, adding hastily “It’s about eroded seafronts and ecology and that, innit?” Asked about his new, sinister toothbrush moustache, Sid assured us it was “a Charlie Chaplin tribute”. Of course.
