Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
Jan 31. There may well be serious news to bring you, but we’re too busy laughing at the Infa Riot interview in the latest Vive Le Rock. It isn’t so much that Lee claims to have grown up in North London (believed to be a region in the far east end of Plymouth) it’s more that the great tightwad uses his interview to complain that the Punk Rock Curry Club always meets in South East London. A stern PRCC official takes issue with this nonsense. “The Curry Club met in East London twice last year, and once at London Bridge; and has convened everywhere from Southall in Middlesex to Royal Tunbridge Wells down in Kent, so Brother Wilson’s attack is scandalous and uncalled for,” he said. “We have also met in Fleet Street, up near Euston, in Wapping, in Brick Lane, and in Blackheath Village. We are happy to move around. In fact we have invited Bro. Wilson to host the Easter curry night in North London (with the proviso that this is North London in London and not the mythical borough of North London in Plymouth) but he has so far failed to rise to the challenge – by coincidence also a frequent complaint from his female friends.” The official goes on: “The Punk Rock Curry Club began well over a decade ago in Lee, south east London, and in those early years we made several trips to Clapham, south west London, at the behest of John King (the veggie). Last November an inaugural branch was even opened in Los Angeles by the pioneering Gonads USA. This month’s meet was held in Sidcup at the request of our special guest but only after the sad closure of the PRCC’s spiritual home, the Curry Garden in Burnt Ash Road, Lee SE12.” Club observers call this fall-out “disturbing”, with one expert describing it as “the most rancorous internal schism since John King’s so-called Beer Monster Elite bottled out of a drinking contest with the South London firm”.
Gal’s latest Sounds of Glory is up and running here.
Jan 30. Could moments like this be the reason Gal’s attempts to record a new Rancid Sounds podcast in Soho earlier today were abandoned in scenes of anarchy and disarray? (Almost certainly yes – Ed). The good news is Gal’s more sedate Sounds of Glory show goes out live tonight from 11pm on Second City Radio... if you can call the likes of Social Distortion and the Clash sedate....
Breaking news headlines: the Pranksters’ “holy relics” officially exposed as fakes. Furious PM calls for “action this day” to capture the conmen involved. Official “touching cloth” reunion ceremony abandoned. Resignations expected. More news as we have it.
Jan 29. We’re hearing disturbing claims that the holy relics currently on display at the Pranksters’ private museum in Upper Dicker are not, repeat NOT authentic. An insider whispers: “The scarf is the correct design but not the correct colour, the phone is entirely wrong. It looks like the brethren have been duped.” Investigators are frantically trying to track down the PM for the final word but the insider continues: “If Slippery Ted has stiffed the Pranksters, it will also raise suspicions about the middle man in the deal.” Who was... “Fat Col Gannon.” D’oh!
Jan 28. Here are holy relics the Scarf of the PM and the Cell of Tel safely on display in a locked cabinet in Pranksters HQ.
We’re told the brethren parted with an eye-watering five figure sum to recover the powerful and iconic items via the accredited fence Slippery Ted of Blackheath. Still no word on the thief, but all’s well that ends well, eh?
Random Noos: The Damned’s new album Evil Spirits is out in April... The Detained’s furious album The Beast has been released on vinyl by Contra in Germany and Longshot in the USA. It’s described poetically as “ten kick-ass songs for leather-clad punks and Harrington-wearing Oi boys.” (Wot? No ’erberts?)
Jan 27. The Punk Rock Curry Club returned to Sidcup in Kent last night at the request of our special guest Lars Frederiksen who had flown in to play guitar for the Last Resort up in Stoke tomorrow night. The Rancid and OFC legend joined parties from the Anti-Nowhere League, the Gonads, the Masons, London Sewerage Company and the Crows, along with Steve Drewett, Geno Blue, the PM and various other herberts.
The entire night was “off blog” so for the scurrilous details and outrageous gossip you’ll have to buy us a pint or seven. But be assured, something big will come of it. Probably.
Jan 26. With Mark E. Smith gorn, who will replace him as the most miserable
man in punk? One early contender must surely be Paul Rooney of Vice Squad who,
despite being Beki's other-half, seems to spend most of his time moaning on
Facebook in posts that are said by our resident Rooney-watcher to be
"one-long sub-Corbyn herd-think drone". We're not so sure. The thing that
made Mark E. a cantankerous gem was his unpredictability and his general
loathing of received opinion. Besides we're pretty sure Paul is destined for
TV fame. We can just see him as Compo in a sitcom parody called Last Of The
Summer Whine with a ferret down each trouser leg and Nora Batty's stockings
for gusset support.
Jan 25. Sad to hear of the death last night of The Fall’s Mark E. Smith, writer of Bingo Master’s Break-Out, Totally Wired and the seminal Pay Your Rates. To mark Mark’s passing, here are his thoughts on playing with Mumford & Sons at a Dublin festival: “There was this other group warming up, and they were terrible. I said ‘Shut them cunts up!’ And they were still warming up. So I threw a bottle at them...” His verdict on Kate Bush’s come-back: “Who decided it was time to start liking her again? I never even liked her the first time round. It’s like all these radio DJs have been raiding their mam’s and dad’s record collections and decided that Kate Bush is suddenly cool again. But I’m not having it.” Cantankerous to the end. R.I.P.
Jan 24. The Top 5 most played Gonads tracks on YouTube and Spotify are: 1) Oi Mate 2) Punk Rock Will Never Die 3) I Lost My Love To A UK Sub 4) Buy Me A Drink You Bastards 5) The Joys Of Oi. Cheers for listening! And if you like those immortal gems, chums, then there is every chance that you might also enjoy Fat Col’s Top 5 list of “seriously under-promoted” Nads numbers:
1) Attack Of The Zombie Skinheads - here
2) TNT - here
3) Stroke My Beachcomber Baby, our first ever release - here
4) Dogging In Dartford - here
5) Beano, 2016 version - here
Col also asks why “no-one in this so-called organisation has seen fit to post Glorious or the latest version of Sandra Bigg (Really Big) on YouTube?” Good question. There’s nothing stopping you doing it, Tubs. We’re busy people; we’ve got pints to drink, pies to nosh and barmaids to converse with. (PS. It’s nice to see Infected views catching up with Jobs Not Jails.)
FILM Noos: here’s the trailer for the Newtown Neurotics documentary kickstarter campaign. Filming on the UK Subs doc continues this weekend in Germany under the watchful eye of Richard England.
Talks have started – absolutely genuinely – about a Gal Gonad DVD, but that’s all we know about the matter. There was a time in the Nineties when Fatty Lol was briefly his manager and Phonogram were keen to release a video of Gal’s rants, opinions, stand-up, sketches, parodies and general gonadary. Sadly Lol (who’d also managed Jerry Sadowitz) found the company’s five figure advance offer to be so derisory that he would brook no further negotiations about the deal. “’E threw a blue fit an’ chewed their ears off,” sniffs Fit Bird. “The ’ole project went down the khazi.” Strange but true.
Jan 23 STOP PRESS: The West Coast of the USA was on tsunami stand-by earlier today, stoking fears that Sandie West’s massage tents, beach huts and “holistic” balderdash could be smashed to smithereens by the righteous power of Mother Earth. “Could this be the work of Wattsie Watts and her warlocks?” asks a passing buffoon, who continues: “Ruining West’s spa business would be Wattsie’s final act of revenge – a dish served not cold but hard and wet at 600mph!” (Phwoar! – Fat Col). To which the only possible answer is: no, it is not Wattsie’s doing; it’s a natural weather event caused by an underwater earthquake up by Alaska. Grow the fuck up.
Jan 23. All religions and cults have sacred items that have been lost over the centuries. Think of the Ark of the Covenant, the Veil of Veronica and the Holy Grail. To that illustrious list we can now add The Scarf of The PM. This impressive floral retro 60s style silk accessory, conclusively DNA-linked to the Jolly Pranksters’ Perfect Master Terence Hayes, is said to have “gone missing” during the great man’s recent South London pilgrimage (along with his battered mobile phone aka The Cell of Tel). An insider tells us: “Both of these symbols are held in high regard by Pranksters everywhere and are thought to have magical qualities. The Holy Cell of Tel is known for its erratic, other-worldly temperament; in particular its ability to “switch off” while the PM is sleeping, sorry, working in the boiler room.” The brethren are on full alert and the search for these items is believed to already cover Essex, London, Kent and Shanklin, Isle of Wight. An icon expert tells us “The longer they are missing, the higher their value to unscrupulous dealers like Lee “Lovejoy” Wilson.” Blimey.
Jan 22. Could ShiraGirl open for Gal’s one-man-show? The versatile radical feminist perfected her own spoken word performance on the Warp Tour last year and plans are under discussion for Shira to hit the UK with her act – and her band – in the Summer. Various festivals and cultural events are keen on securing the New Yorker’s services. Maybe, if Waistrel relents and agrees to let the Gonads play around August time, she could jump up and sing with us? Surely no-one could complain, could they? Shona? Shon? SHON? Where’s she gorn?
Random Noos: The first NOi!se album The Scars We Hide has been remixed and remastered and will be released on vinyl on 9th Feb by those visionaries at Pirates Press... Secret Affair, The Lambrettas, The Chords UK, Squire, The Killermeters, Small World & Deep Six all take part in MODS MAYDAY 2018 at London’s 229 Club on 4th May... Louise Distras has announced her Dope & Glory UK tour – 16 dates, all in April, with tour supports The Pearl Harts.
Jan 21. TERROR ALERT: We have been contacted by a disgusting organisation called ERRD who are campaigning for Equal Rights for Round-Dodgers. (They’ve erred all right – Ed). An ERRD spokesman tells us: “For too long straight society has tried to stigmatise or demonise those citizens who reject the tyranny of ‘rounds’. There is a feeling that the rights of the Out Dodger are somehow less important than those enjoyed by others; that they are there to be mocked and ridiculed by conservative elements. These reactionary plebs believe themselves to be the equal of the Dodger. They are not. The fact is the likes of Lee Wilson, Kenneth ‘Spizz’ Spiers, Martin ‘Max Splodge’ Everest, Eddie Piller and our pioneering patron Paul Devine (said by many to be John the Baptist to Wilson’s Messiah) DESERVE to have drinks bought for them because of the nature of their world class talent. They should not feel any obligation to “reimburse” the buyer of said drinks, whose trifling gift of ale should be recognised as a form of worship. To be in the company of an elite Dodger should be reward enough.” ERRD go on to state that coverage of their members “on certain blogs” has been “exploitative and sensational, showing no understand of the rights of Dodgers to live by their own moral code.” They end by saying: “We call on the government to act now to protect and enshrine our human rights...and also agree to ‘sub’ us for a few tax-payer funded pints as often as possible.” ERRD incorporates smaller organisations including Round-Dodgers For Justice, The Peckham Ponce League, and the aptly named Dodgers Information Exchange (DIE for short and we wish they would). According to Fat Col, they are “the most disturbing organisation this side of the Paul Rooney Fan Club – should such a thing exist.”
Jan 20. Well, we are kind of back but it’s not all good news. Waistrel won’t sanction any gigs for the next six months and this draconian ban may be rolled out for the entire year. In addition the live album is officially canned for a 2018 release – as are any previously discussed single releases. For what it’s worth, here’s the good news: Gal’s two radio shows have now been picked up by a Californian station, and the GBX album is “developing well” with recording sessions in Guildford lined up but we are still banned from writing about it. It’s the blog, Jim, but not as we know it.
Random News: Gal, Jeff and Mick, and Cass all feature on Real Football Factories currently showing on Netflix... the Rancid Sounds “Best of 2017” show featuring Wattsie Watts and DJ Dee Webb as judges is now playing on Spreaker ... Street Sounds magazine won’t be coming back in the near future, but a third Street Sounds annual has just been green-lit by Stalin – hurrah!... finally Radiation Reissues of Italy are flogging Blitz’s Voice Of A Generation LP on hand-numbered cassette, and an Infa Riot LP compilation entitled Kids Of The 80s: Early Singles & More.
PS. The latest issue of underground rag Nepalm is on sale now with features on Electric Piss, Brothel Juice, Swamp Mama’s Piles and Pete Way Uncovered plus various Top Tens of the Year (including Fat Col’s own definitive pies and pasties charts), street-fashion predictions, who to watch in 2018 (by “Peeping Tom”) and a guide to English football stadium food of the 1970s.
Jan 17. A Waistrel Approved Post: The most illustrious Lord Waistrel last night dramatically hit back at the foul communist hackers infiltrating this CLOSED DOWN BLOG by BANNING the release of the much anticipated Gonads live album, Pure Punk For Row People. Such is the force of his wrath that even Randale Records have abruptly bottled any involvement in the project. Outraged Nads fans, Sid & Doris Puke, begged him to change his mind but his Lordship believes absolutely in the old revenge maxim “for every one of ours that dies, we’ll take ten of theirs”. So Club 77 hackers have cost the world the opportunity to enjoy the Gonads live at their finest – and more repercussions may yet follow. An insider whispers: “Any further hacks will result in even greater casualties”. Gulp. However, in passing, Waistrel has ordered us to state that the new East End Badoes album (featuring Ben Mitchell) is “shit hot, what?”. It’ll be released by Step One on CD in April and on vinyl by Pirates Press in May.
ATTENTION Gonads enthusiasts! This is PIRATE NEWS! We have HACKED this website to DEFY the ban and reveal the TRUE reason Lord Waistrel has SILENCED this blog and STOPPED the Gonads from gigging. It has NOTHING to do with the cancelled European mini-tour. The real explanation is that Waistrel is trying to SUPPRESS the publication of a hugely damaging biography written by respected investigative journalist Mickey Wolff of the South London Press. Wolff’s book Filth, MILFs & Feudal Fury: Inside Waistrel’s Reactionary Domain is described as an “explosive exposé” that “shines the light of truth” on his Lordship’s allegedly “venal and abusive” regime. According to his publisher, Wolff spent eighteen months interviewing key figures in and around the band, and then conducted a further 173 interviews and investigations. He is thought to have grilled everyone from Wattsie Watts to Miss Management via Fit Bird, Garry Johnson and Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner), as well as more minor figures such as the Yeti, Fat Col and various concubines and barmaids. He is said to have infiltrated the Jolly Pranksters, and even more surprisingly, he somehow got to John King, the veggie and notorious recluse. The publisher’s note says there were “no ground rules placed on his access” to Nads HQ, Wolff just breezed in and became a “constant interloper” with “his own bar stool in The Five Bells, Chelsfield”. Waistrel’s PR floozy Snoozy Suzie has blasted the book as “hack fiction” adding “It’s a fake book full of fake news,” while Waistrel himself has denied ever speaking to Wolff (although he alleged told the reporter: “Go fuck yourself with a ragman’s trumpet, you snivelling lower class vermin”). The astonishing claims in the biography are likely to tarnish Waistrel’s reputation permanently... unless his legal lackey the so-called Beast can prevent its publication both here and in the USA. Terence Hayes, PM, is among the many witnesses being lined up by the prosecution. He tells us: “I am livid! Wolff quotes me saying that Waistrel is a drunkard, a tyrant, and a bloated feudal plutocrat. I am shocked and appalled!” (When asked if he’d actually said that, El Tel stammered: “Well yes, but it was out of context, and I did not know Wolff was recording it, did I?”) Waistrel has shut down this blog and the band in a bid to contain the scandal, and The Beast has won a temporary gagging order preventing British newspapers from reporting it. However some international commentators have taken to Twitter to back the author. Polish escort Kamila Suczya-Hoff, 23, tweeted: “I was one of seven guests at Waistrel’s Old City orgy in Prague in March 2017 and every word I’ve seen from the book is accurate. It was an astonishing night. The midgets! The camel! Lee Wilson’s wallet!” (She also tweeted: “Come back Clyde, my Złoty Strzał” but we don’t know what that means). We hereby call upon the brave and bold readers of this blog to circulate our revelations as quickly as possible as we don’t know how long this post will stay up for. Until the next time. Stay punk! Stay Free! – Morpheus on behalf of Club 77, fighting back so you don’t have to.
Jan 13. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away... Yesterday morning Lord Waistrel (High Baron of Charlton, Loyal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Twanged Garter, Extraordinary Companion of the Fallen Woman, Lord Lieutenant of the Condemned Privy, Rampant Viceroy of Viagra and Earl Over-Flowing of the British Ale-House), gave his official blessing to the release of a new Gonads Official Bootleg live album early this Summer. Hoorah! Hallelujah! Hosanna in Excelsis! How we cheered! Jubilation was manifest and manifold. But in a shock move just hours later, his Lordship announced that he has also inflicted an arbitrary SIX MONTH BAN on our live shows. In his own words: “There will be NO Gonads gigs until July at the very earliest. Huzza!” Last night Waistrel watchers tried to make sense of this “insane” decision. Some experts blamed the “knee-jerk ruling” on the band’s recent failure to commit to a weekend of gigs in Germany, Belgium and Holland. Others went further still. In an exclusive interview with this blog, Yale University’s Dr Bandy Legg branded Waistrel “petulant and delusional”, claiming that he “is like an over-grown toddler” and he “throws ethical standards out the window when he doesn’t get his own way”. But Scrotum, Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer, told us: “Yus, his Lordship was hangry about the mini-tour, but let’s not over-react. ’E ’as not haxed the Gonads, ’e ’as merely decreed a six month stasis hin horder to work out your future direction.” The jovial gravel-toned butler went on to point out that the Gonads live album and a possible single were still “very much hin the pipeline”. He continued: “Crisis? What crisis?” But sadly this blast of common sense did little to defuse the escalating ballyhoo. Last night Waistrel’s £5million town house in Belgravia was surrounded by furious pickets (Sid and Doris Puke) calling for his execution by guillotine. Shocked singer Wattsie Watts joined the storm of protest too. “Waistrel must be black-balled,” she said. “He is just another stale pale male and has no right to decide whether the Gonads exist or not.” But corporate fat-cat lawyer The Beast responded: “His Lordship is entirely within his rights. He owns the band’s trademark and is the registered director of the entire supranational operation.” As the hubbub swelled to deafening proportions, only Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner and registered sociopath) spoke sense. He told us: “You’ve put his back up, but give the old boy some time. With patience and trust, I am sure cooler heads will prevail.” So mote it be.
P.S. Waistrel's decision will not affect GBX, the Gonads USA or Gal’s plans for a one-man show, but His Lordship has told us to SHUT THIS BLOG with immediate effect until further notice. We have lodged an urgent appeal and hope to be back online soon. For how can the scene survive without daily updates on Lee Wilson, Terence Hayes (PM), Sandie “Cruella” West, the Jolly Pranksters and the Punk Rock Curry Club? You don’t get shit like that from the NME.
Jan 11. We are pleased to unveil a great new vacation opportunity courtesy of our old chum, the “culturally misunderstood” demon director Sandie West: WestWorld is a deluxe holiday experience located in the picturesque Californian setting of Venice Beach. For the price of your soul and your sanity alone, naive holiday-makers can experience a whole new dimension of pleasure/pain in a luxurious LA location. Yes, book in to WestWorld today and enjoy your own: DELUXE blow-up bed, guaranteed to bugger up your back and set off your sciatica! DISCRETE bijou bedrooms with complete and easy access to the general public! The all-inclusive MEXICAN CAFE breakfast – start your day the Cartel way! Glittering CELEBRITY encounters (not including James Franco, Howard Stern or Jimmy Kimmel)! A VIGOROUS room-cleaning routine, which comes with a thorough RIFLING of your suitcase! The comprehensive GOLDEN GOBLET EXPERIENCE (optional)! The US Prankster INITIATION Ceremony (includes curry)! Sandie West’s WILD RIDE – be driven across Los Angeles by a suicidal lunatic! Early nights assured thanks to a cast-iron COCK-BLOCK from blundering Jay The Tripod! FUGITIVE FUN – flee across state from the Federales and Mexico’s toughest gangsters! And, finally, Sandie’s own intimate bobble examination – not for the faint-hearted! If you book this fabulous holiday, we recommend without reservation that you insure yourself before you fly for the complete Christine Peake rescue service. You’re gonna need it!
Rockers including Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason picketed the House of Commons yesterday as part of a campaign to stop the closure of independent live music venues across the country. They were backing the UK Music initiative, Agent Of Change. Labour MP John Spellar introduced a bill to try and implement the Agent Of Change principle into UK law. If it goes through, it will force developers to take account of the impact of any new scheme on pre-existing businesses – like gig venues – before going ahead with their plans. Nick Mason said: “It’s a much tougher environment for young musicians now than in our day. It’s really important to retain anything that might actually allow people to not only develop their craft but actually earn some money from it.” While Billy Bragg said Britain was “destroying our seedbed by losing our small venues”. Our old pal Paul McCartney who is backing the campaign told this blog: “Without the grassroots clubs, pubs and music venues my career could have been very different. If we don’t support music at this level, then the future of music in general is in danger.”
Jan 10. Just when you thought it was over, yet more shocking Lee Wilson stories have been leaked to us by an insider deep within his North London fortress of solitude. For her protection our source shall be referred to only as Mrs X (although her real name is Ethel Shufflebottom, Lovejoy’s long-suffering cleaner). Ethel, sorry X, took these appalling pictures yesterday. They prove beyond all doubt that the singer’s Scrooge-like activities extend way beyond dodging his round in the pub. For the shots show Lee’s used teabags being dried on the washing line and on his radiator for re-use. “The bags are recycled up to twelve time,” X whispers.
She goes on to tell us that the notorious Tottenham tightwad has “fallen on hard times” because of “miniscule sales” for the Infas’ new album Cold & Hungry (Old & Angry, surely? – Factual Ed). “These pictures tell the real story behind the punk star’s public image as a windswept and dashing enigma”, she said. “Now when he shouts ‘Shut that door!’ it isn’t just his Larry Grayson act, it’s a desperate bid to drive down domestic heating costs.” Yet Lee is keeping up a brave face. He and Ethel are frequent visitors to the local bingo hall and can often be heard shouting “Number 3, I’m free!”, “17 – Dancing Queen!”, “24 – Shut that door!” and “55, Lee’s on the skive” on a Friday night. Ethel’s close friend and bingo regular Hilda Hingeflap tells us: “We heard rumours about the tea bags but we didn’t believe it until Eth showed us the pictures. Lee was such a lovely chap. He sang a great version of ‘Long-haired Lover From Liverpool’ for us all. He even lent me his lucky pen one night, although I was a bit surprised when he billed me for it the next day. We are all in shock.”
Jan 9. It has now been nine long days since a drop of alcohol has passed Gal’s lips and the situation is looking grim. According to Fat Col “three local pubs, two off-licences and a microbrewery have gone bust.” And that’s not all. “He’s lost all his aggression,” Col moans. “If this carries on, he’ll be going on stage with harpists and a gospel choir, singing about Ribena and R White’s lemonade.” So how long can Gal keep it up? (Insert your own Yeti joke here). Fit Bird tells us: “Gal has pledged not to drink another pint of ale until Lee Wilson buys it. An’ that could be forever. ’E could waste away.” His first big test is tonight when Gal records the Rancid Sounds “Best of 2017” show in a studio next to his favourite bar. Luckily, Wattsie will be on hand to stiffen his resolve.
*OUR sympathetic webmistress tells us: “I gave up drinking once. It was the longest two minutes of my life.”
Jan 8. Happy birthday posthumously to David Bowie. He would have been 71 today. Parlophone have released a rare demo of ‘Let’s Dance’ to mark the occasion. It was recorded in Switzerland with Nile Rodgers of Chic, who recalls: “I woke up on my first morning in Montreux with David peering over me. He had an acoustic guitar in his hands and exclaimed, ‘Nile, darling, I think this is a HIT!’” Nile goes on: “The time we spent mixing it just before Christmas was full of tears as it felt like David was in the room with us. Happy Birthday David, I love you and we all miss you!”
In other news, Wreckless Eric plays the 100 Club in May... Loudmouth have got a new album out... The Adicts are confirmed for Rebellion... Han of Evil Conduct was in the studio last month recording new songs, he’s collaborating with Jenny Woo later this year too... and The Strike, The Generators & the Arch Rivals play the next Randale Meeting in May...
Jan 7. From today’s soaraway Daily Star Sunday. How Robert Plant, Captain Sensible, Gary Numan, Adele and scores more rock, punk & pop legends are helping Walter the Puppet raise thousands for the Make A Wish Foundation... plus Musicians Against Homelessness call for a “Royal Bedding” day of action to help the homeless...
Jan 6. So Waistrel comes on the dog in high dudgeon. It seems the good Lord is spitting feathers about losing the attentions of alleged glamour model Jo Marney to this month’s UKIP leader Henry Bolton. He’s also “beyond narked” about the lack of band activity. Turns out his Lordship had lined up dates for us in Belgium and Germany in March, and Austria and Switzerland in April as well as Guildford, Surrey and Shanklin, Isle of Wight, in May. But all of them have had to be cancelled because of holidays, general apathy, life-saving surgery or other “questionable” commitments. “What do I pay you for?” the great Nob fumes (conveniently forgetting that he doesn’t actually pay us anything). He goes on to condemn any Gonad “who puts other bands before this one, yet still whinges on endlessly – they moan if they haven’t got gigs and whine and prevaricate if they have.” Then slam! The phone goes dead. A band insider whispers: “His Lordship hasn’t been this wound up since Scoops ponced his way around Stockholm with a monkey in his back pocket. Losing Geneva was a pain, but loss of face over Guildford really hurt. For Lord Waistrel, Surrey seems to be the hardest word.” Waistrel then calls back demanding the immediate formation of a “Gonadian second team – keen young chaps from public schools ready to spring into action should the normal band be doing their bally hair, eating pies or playing hide the sausage with some floozy”. Gulping Remy Martin Louis XIII like water, the legendary aristocrat sings a burst of “Kiss Me Goodnight Sergeant Major” and then ends the conversation by saying mischievously: “In the light of this depressing inactivity, I am sure no-one could possibly complain were I to mastermind a series of splendid new dates with the Gonads USA instead. Boston, Frisco and Ogden, Utah, want us. Mexico and Canada are calling, too. Tokyo and Nagasaki will surely follow. And we must move on. Onwards and upwards! Per aspera ad astra – what!?! Excelsior!” Oh lor’. There could be trouble ahead.
In the meantime, some news. Radical Atlanta herberts Antagonizers ATL are streaming their new album Working Class Street Punk. The Roadside Bombs are streaming Rise Up – their first LP since 2014’s My Side of Town. San Diego punks the Dodges have just released their new album Roll With via La Escalera Records. The Down & Out’s album Double Negative comes out on Valentine’s Day. Meanwhile youthful octogenarians Judas Priest release their new 14-track platter Firepower on 9th March. And Spiritual Cramp have rushed out their debut seven inch, ‘Mass Hysteria’ via React! Records. Oh and in case you’ve forgotten, the Dead Boys kick off their eight-date UK tour on 31st Jan.
Jan 5. This is the first shot of the most likely candidate to play “young Gal” in Get Your Gonads USA, if the controversial movie ever sees the light of day. Gal is 6ft 1 and comes from Shooters Hill, south east London. The dashing chap playing him is 5ft 8 and hails from Glasgow with an accent to match. Nevertheless he is more in tune with the Gonads as we were back in the day than the young Clyde (a 6ft 5 body-builder from Belarus) or the young Shona, who is 5ft 9 (“and worth the climb” – Fat Col) and African-American...
Will the film ever be made though? Gal’s tight-lipped PA Fit Bird tells us: “There are still scenes to be shot, ain’t there? And re-takes. They need to film the ending, edit the bleedin’ thing. They need to interview the UK Gonads. It ain’t gonna happen soon.”
Jan 4. Penny Rimbaud of Crass is releasing new poetry album tomorrow. Called What Passing Bells, the CD features Rimbaud reading the war poetry of Wilfred Owen. He says: “I was a war baby who, like many, didn’t meet their father until they were three or four, which often was too late. My father brought the war home with him. He never much spoke of it, rather he was imbued with it; it seeped from his every pore. He was distant, absent and cold, and he made me feel fearful. Then how was I to know what horrors had so muted him, horrors which in his imaginings and his dreams would forever be present?”
Here is the enigmatic Astrid Van Hinten showing off her beautiful bat tattoos. They go all the way to her belfry apparently. Rumours that her paramour, the round-dodger Lee Wilson has a matching series of moth tatts descending from his wallet cannot be confirmed.
Whispers: we hear the Distillers are planning a comeback... but is the same true of Prole? It’s known that the radical band, formed by Gal and Steve Kent in the early 80s, wrote more songs than they ever recorded. Will they be back in the studio this year. With Gal away, we asked Fit Bird who just snuffed and said: “It’s noos to me, innit. As far as I know they haven’t spoken since Mick’s funeral. Sounds like internet bollocks.
Jan 2. Good news. Gal will be DJing at the PSK street music weekend in Stockholm in May. And we’ll be blitzing Germany, Belgium and Holland with a weekend mini-tour in late summer in partnership with the East End Badoes... meanwhile the Cockney Rejects play Japan this weekend, the dates are Osaka (Friday the 5th), Nagoya (6th) and Tokyo (7th). In other news, Suicidal Tendencies release new EP ‘Get Your Fight On!’ in March and Colin Gannon (yeah, Fat Col) has joined Donkey Dom as vocalist following the shock departure of founder member Kenny Kiosk (ex-Donkey Laugh). He’ll be singing on the cult band’s now postponed debut album. It’ll be called Oh No... which seems apt.
Jan 1st 2018. Happy New Year and happy new Oi to all our readers! We have had some surprising news from Venice Beach, Los Angeles. The Christmas edition of local free press punk publication, the Venice Daily Bollocks, reports that Sandie West (firm but unfair Hollywood director) is now marketing our golden goblets! An ashen-faced Beast tells us: “These goblets are clearly a Gonads innovation. If this report is correct then Ms West is clearly trading in them – and the powerful elixir that they contain – without a licence. A lawsuit may well follow.” Blimey.
In brighter news, the Beast also tells us that he has reached “a just settlement” with both the Mexican authorities and the cartel in the troubling “el café mexicano” case. “Peace is restored,” he assures us, which means Méjico’s equivalent of a fatwah will now be lifted from the heads of our two fugitives Clyde and Gal (currently laying low in North Africa and Portugal respectively “as a precaution”). Hurrah! More news when we have it.
In the spirit of festive goodwill, we even held out an olive branch to Infa Riot round-dodger Lee Wilson. Fat Col rang the great man to invite him to be the support act at the historic first night of Gal’s An Evening with Garry Bushell show which is coming later this year. A great honour, as we’re sure you’d agree. Col reports: “Lee was up for it at first, but when I explained that we wanted him to do ten to 15 minutes of his Larry Grayson tribute act, the line went dead.” The rude bastard. A mournful Col tell us: “I didn’t even get a chance to tell him to make sure he brings Astrid.” When we told Chelsea Dom about this, he helpfully suggested that Terence Hayes, PM, should open the show instead of Lee. He went on: “Gal could always do a double act with Tel. It’d be like the Two Ronnies except he’d never show up. Sort of ‘Good night from him and where the fuck was he?’