Jan 31. The WM is back. Hurrah! His trip up the magical ladder did indeed bring him down in Paris for the Dropkick Murphys’ show at the Olympia. Afterwards multi-talented Liberty Hayes entertained the lads with an impromptu after-show sing-song on the venue’s grand piano. The Murphys’ UK dates kick off in April.

Jan 30. Cherry kept himself sober for last night’s Sour Saturdays show at the Rhythm Factory. Unfortunately he hit the bar afterwards, started getting ‘Little Cherry’ out and was asked to leave. Not the sort of cock-tale they approve of in Whitechapel. Before disgracing himself, Cherry boasted that he was “cracking on” with the promoter. If he’d been more sober he might have noticed that the promoter was a fella. Not that we’ve got anything against that sort of thing, why, some of our best friends are Dale Winton. Long story short, the Dirty Thursdays now have a new name: the F***wit Fridays.

Jan 29. Gal recorded his latest pod-cast today with the better-looking half of the London Diehards – Ciaran and Steve. Unfortunately Terry Hayes, WM, who had specifically called on the session, was unable to make it as it appears that when he reached the top of his ladder he wandered off and hasn’t been seen since. Unreliable reports claim that he either ended up in Paris or has been abducted by aliens. (At least it’d convince them that there’s no intelligent life on earth - Ed) We prefer to think that he went up the ladder to the Ruth where he could see Heather (Trott) more clearly. Anyway, it was Puke Box Jury time with Ciaran and Steve standing in for an AWOL Bev Elliott. Contenders for the prestigious Rancid Sounds ‘track of the year’ included Buster Shuffle, Long Tall Shorty, the Last Resort, Neck, Control, the Absolute Belters, Pama International and thirteen others. Let’s just say that if Bev had turned up there might have been a different result, but we think the right track won. According to Gal, tattooed love girl Bev was in a Soho gutter after “necking all the booze Keef Richards has given up on”; he added that “if she turned any bluer she’d be a f***ing Avatar.” Other people who cop it are Cherry, Terry (“if f***ing up were an art-form he’d be Leonardo Da Vinci” - Gal), a blameless Susan Boyle and the Friends of Luca Brasi, who stand accused by Steve of ripping off Meat Loaf. The show will be up and running just as soon as it’s been cleared by trembling Total Rock lawyers. Next month: great new tracks by Underclass, the Blades and the HC Metal Gonads...

* THE Rejects’ Japanese shows all sold-out. More to come when/if they get over the jet-lag...

* Intriguing, but uncannily accurate animated recreation of a 1987 Ross Halfin photo-shoot with Guns N Roses HERE.

Jan 28. We're pleased to announce that the German version of Cockney Reject by Jeff Turner mit Garry Bushell is now in stock at Gonads HQ. It's published by Iron Pages books and you can get signed copies from the shop page for just £15.00 + p&p. Here are some phrases for you to help you get started, unreliably translated by Fat Col. 1) Ich liebe Punk und ich liebe Sham/Ich erhielt am West Ham genicken. 2) Sind Sie bereit zu rucken? 3) Ich brenne für immer Luftblasen, hübsche Luftblasen in der Luft durch. 4) Oi, oi, oi, wer wünscht es? 5) Blimey Gal, Vikki Thomas hat enorme Brüste. (Continued Die Armee und die Marine.)

*Andy Hill, former guitarist with Skin Graft (circa Oi Oi That's Yer lot) is now making amazing steel dinosaur sculptures. His website, ferrassic-park.co.uk is about to go live. Our favourite prehistoric relic? The Frankiesaurus Flame.

Jan 27. We’re putting the new, never-before-available ‘Punk Rock Till I Die’ on the 30th anniversary Oi compilation. Contra Records reckon the Gal/Clyde composition is “the greatest Gonads song ever”. We’d like to think so...

*Our mates Control play the Fiddler’s Elbow, Kentish Town, on Friday with Dun 2 Def and the Charred Hearts. It’s £7 on the door.

*Great Oi merchandise is now available from MainStageMerch - including official Gonads hoodies; although you should really order them from our shop page to keep Fat Col off of his lardy arse.

Jan 26. The first HC Metal Gonads session was surprisingly successful - the demo of 'Tattooed Love Girl' will be up on myspace later today. Musicians were guitar star Jason Gonad, bass ace Big Billy Boy and demon drummer MacGonad, who later re-emerged as Rab C. MacHyde after drinking a magical serum (eight pints of Stella). Words of wisdom were conveyed by the immortal Pete Way who was in constant touch from Birmingham. Other HCMG songs include 'Lower The Cage' and a cover of 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer.' More to come when we sober up.

* The great Steve Whale has been demoing new songs with The Blades, who he rates as "one of the most exciting streetpunk bands ever to come out of England". We can't wait to hear em.

Jan 25. Bad news for Gal, the quack is sending him back to the specialist for more lung tests. Says Fit Bird: "He's been rough ever since Germany, and grouchy as hell; his chest is in a right old state. He's on the Ventolin day in, day out and it's not getting any better."So, spending twelve hours in a mobile ashtray, not the smartest move then... More surprising was what happened last night though. Gal and Leah had stopped at traffic lights in Kent when four teenage herberts spotted him, gave clenched fist salutes and chanted "Leader! Leader!" A disturbing enough image as it stands, but it raises the possibility that they mistook our Gal for... Gary Glitter. The goatee will have to go mate.

Jan 23. Gal's newest podcast, recorded next week, will include Bev Elliott's return for 'Puke Box Jury' and a long over-due appearance by the London Diehards... as long as they can get the WM down from his ladder.

*The HC Metal Gonads rehearse for the first time on Monday. The horror. It's coming...

*Great new punk vinyl out this week: The Kickstarts' '4x12' - their four track debut ep (Koi Records); and Fucked Up's 'Couple Tracks', a double album of singles spanning everything from 2002's 'No Pasaran' to last year's speeded-up 'No Epiphany', plus unreleased tracks and songs that were only issued as 7" b-sides. (Matador Records).

Jan 22. Happy birthday Garry Johnson! Random snippets: new oi forum up and running HERE, dedicated to Oi bands old and new. Swifty and Seb tell us that they are listing all Punk, Skinhead, Oi , Streetpunk and Ska events (but not Prankster ones for obvious reasons)... we would have some Prankster news for you but the WM was up a ladder when we called, he may be some time... meanwhile Steve from the London Diehards says the band is considering bringing in Simon Cowell to help out with their new album on the grounds that “only the WM has a higher waistband.” As Cowell has previously worked with Bob The Builder and brainless puppets Zig and Zag we feel that this will be a match made in oioi heaven.

Jan 21st. Cherry Red want to hear your England songs. The best will be included in a download comp to coincide with England’s World Cup path to glory. For details, send an email.

*Aussie yobs The Corps tour Europe from September 3rd. The Sydney-based five piece – specialists in rollicking Oi-influenced pub rock - would like to hear from UK promoters to schedule dates here between the 19th and 30th of Sept.

Jan 20. We may be back at the Garage in April opening for the Angelic Upstarts – the proper Upstarts too, with Mensi singing. Watch this space for confirmation. Factual Note: Thomas ‘Mensi’ Mensforth was an Englishman born in South Shields, Tyne & Wear, who became known as "The Elephant Man" because of his physical appearance caused by a congenital disorder. Because of his condition, he garnered the sympathy of Britain during the Thatcher era. He has often been incorrectly called John Merrick. Mensi currently lives in Thailand where the locals are less phased by his hideous deformities.

* The Cockney Rejects nipped over to Japan for their mini-tour yesterday. The lads will play three shows and pose for 30,000 pictures. (If they went on to play Hong Kong, would they do ‘Leady To Luck?’ – asks Chinese Tim).

* Advanced warning: London’s 12 Bar Club is expecting an out-break of tattooed drunk girls on Saturday 30th Jan...and that’s just on the stage. Part-time Gonadette and full-time punk pin-up Liberty Hayes is playing

Jan 19. The current issue of New York’s Toxic Waste has a small feature on the Gonads, with attractive pix of four of us and a shot of the BH2 backdrop. They reckon we’ll be playing NYC later this year. Let’s hope so. We are definitely talking about a Boston gig with Tommy & The Terrors.

*Sandy Lane reckons Tony Feedback’s stage name should be changed to Tony Fagin. Is this fair? Fagin was a cowardly double-dealer who led a juvenile gang of unrepentant thieves.... nope, we just don’t see it, Sands.

Jan 18. What is it with the London Diehards and careless urination? An unnamed band member (6’3” tall, ginger-haired, drummer) got so intoxicated after Saturday night’s triumphant gig with TMF in Birmingham that he piddled all over the floor of his hotel room before slumping back into a coma. Luckily another unnamed band member managed to mop it all up using the aforementioned drummer’s shirt. The guilty piddler who must remain strictly anonymous (although you may know him as Schnorbitz) has become uncharacteristically shy and is refusing to is answer texts about his strange behaviour... Apart from that, a triumphant night. The lads played their cover of ‘Generation Of Scars’ live for the first time and as you’ll see from You-Tube, it went down a storm. The LDs will support the Anti-Nowhere League at BH2 sometime in April. (If he relieves himself in Animal’s cod-piece, it might improve the smell – Ed)

Jan 17. Our mate Mark Wyeth is playing bass with Human Punk at Newmarket Memorial Hall on 29 Jan. It’s the last time they will ever do the Ruts set. Sham 69 headline. Advance tickets are a tenner and it’s all to support the Fordham Festival in Cambridge. Click on the poster for more details. (We hear a whisper that Madness may be headlining Fordham this year).

Jan 16. Looks like the first Judge Dread plaque fundraiser will be held this June with Skaville UK, the Gonads, and the mighty Symarip. More details to follow.

Jan 14. A special inquiry into the ‘fag-gate’ affair has cleared Tony Feedback of all crimes. The inquiry found that the true culprits were Gal and Scoops for not spotting that four packets of Marlboro Gold had been accidentally charged as a fuel bill. Investigating magistrate, Anthony Aloysius Feedback, found the pair guilty of incompetent accounting ruling that it was their responsibility to have checked the receipts before the saintly Tone had been reimbursed for them. Gal has apologised for this lamentable break-down in his telepathic powers.

*The HC Metal Gonads start rehearsing for their first recordings later this month. The line-up includes: Jason Gonad (guitar), MacGonad (drums) and Big Billy Boy (bass).

* The latest Maximumrocknroll (issue 321) is special photo issue, packed with punk pix from around the world. It also contains an illustrated section on punk photo books.

Jan 13. After Germany, Lord Waistrel has issued the following edicts. 1) No future dates shall be embarked upon without adequate rehearsal. 2) No future tours or mini-tours shall be embarked upon without the presence of a tour manager or roadie. 3) Controversially, fuel receipts shall consist of receipts for fuel only. 4) Where possible long distance gigs will be reached by plane; anyone choosing to drive will receive the equivalent of the price of the plane ticket and no more. 5) Where journeys by tour bus are unavoidable, there will be no smoking in the vehicle. Fag breaks will be arranged for any weak-willed individual unable to cope. 6) Undue rudeness to fans, groupies or promoters will result in fines (as will drunkenness on stage and failure to respond to band emails). 7) Anyone who doesn’t like any of the above is perfectly free to depart and not let the door hit their arse on the way out.

Jan 12. The mighty London Diehards started recording their debut album at Pat Collier’s studio last week, the eight completed tracks confirming their status as the capital’s leading brickwall oi combo. (If you re-define 'capital' to mean Middlesex and Essex - Ed). Songs recorded so far are: ‘City Streets’, ‘Goulston Street’, ‘London Town’ (what is this, a musical A-Z? – Fat Col), ‘No Compromise’, ‘Organise’, ‘Organised Crime’, ‘Suicide Bomber’ and ‘Wake Up’. Rumours that future songs will include 'Bernie Winters and Schnorbitz' (Cherry's new nickname, folks), and ‘Cold, Pissed & Stranded (Upminster Blues)’ can’t be discounted.

* Tony Feedback is generally acknowledged to be the Arthur Daley of the Oi scene, so we were amazed when his expenses claim for Germany seemed above board. As if... Lord Waistrel’s accountants, Hyde, Twist and Fiddle, have gone over his receipts this morning and have already discovered four packs of Marlboro Gold charged to the band as a fuel expense. Yes we know it’s only £18, but that’s not the point. It is in these small victories that Tone’s slipperiness resides. And more will surely be uncovered before the day is out...

* Mark "Miff" Smith, formerly of Demob and now known as Bob, has released a folky anthem called ‘10,000 Medals’ about the war in Afghanistan – 50% of the profits will go to Help The Heroes. It's available from iTunes and the video is HERE.

Jan 11. We’re back baby! Back from the frozen wastes of continental Europe in one piece after two great gigs in Weimar and Berlin which saw young Germans take us to their hearts. Well, when we say 'us' that’s not strictly true; there is just one Gonad with a new, loyal following in the Fatherland: Wattsie Watts! Yes, Germany is now Wattsie crazy. Skinhead toy-boys in Weimar fell in love with the Gonadette Goddess, and one, Tom, was so infatuated with her that when Gal produced his dildo during ‘Infected’ the jealous skin invaded the stage to claim “German cocks are bigger” over the mike...

There were laughs aplenty through-out the long weekend, but again ravishing Wattsie provided the best quotes, our favourite being, while discussing women riding bikes in Victorian times: “I thought they rode them side-saddle back then.” Other classic quotes included: “We’ve lost Germany” – Gentleman John during a two hour battle of wills with the Sat-Nav in Holland; “Follow that van, he must know where he’s going” – an entirely serious Tony Feedback talking about a random vehicle that passed while we were lost there; “I believe in trees,” – Wattsie, revealing her spiritual side; “Mummy will give you a Chew later” - Wattsie (to her dog), “Shona, you’re an expert on spunk” – John during a discussion of how diet effects the taste of semen; "Ah! The Bollock Brothers!" - German punter bizarrely mistaking Gal and Andy - the bollocksed brothers - for Jock McDonald's outfit; and “Does anyone want my dumplings” – Wattsie, talking about her tits, sorry, her left-over dinner.

Even getting back in to England was funny, thanks to Andy’s passport picture – he looked like Sid Vicious on methadone after a month sleeping rough. The Doris at passport control burst out laughing, saying “I’ve never seen anything like this” and photocopied it to show her mates. It was a hilarious, sleep-deprived three days. We left on Thursday night and despite getting lost for two hours somewhere outside of Amsterdam we managed to get to Berlin safe and sound by Friday afternoon. The gig was well-promoted in a great club and the night was a hoot, or so we thought. We went down well with the punters down the front, who called us back for two encores, but one young punk came back stage afterwards and said: “I love your stuff on record, what went wrong?” (This could be the title of our next album). It infuriated Slim Jim who advised him to depart in a rather rude manner. Gal however let the kid have his say, arguing that you have to treat the audience with respect and take criticism on board in case there is an element of truth in it. The ensuing debate produced more classic quotes, including Jim saying “I didn’t play it wrong, I just played it differently” and Tony insisting “I didn’t make any mistakes” and then admitting six hours later that he’d started Yeti so fast even he couldn’t keep up with it. Gal’s verdict was “the gig was as good as it could possibly be for an under-rehearsed band who'd had no sleep since Wednesday.” Nuff said.

The Weimar show on Saturday was in a different league however, with no cock-ups at all and a sharp-dressed largely skin audience who didn’t want us to stop. Both support bands asked Gal to sing ‘ACAB’ with them, which meant he had to try and ring Hoxton Tom from the dressing room for the words. It was Herbsti the club owner’s birthday, so we taught the crowd a few suitable English traditions - there’s nothing quite as chaotic or scary as getting the bumps from ten hulking great East German skinheads...Friday was a pukka gig, but Saturday was more like a party. The only other difference was that in Berlin the crowd specifically asked for ‘England’s Glory’ which we had left out of the set; they knew the words and loved it. They even supplied a flag. So we added the song to the show for Weimar, and it went down like a lead zeppelin. But Weimar delights included Herbsti's special cocktails and Gal having an incomprehensible half hour conversation back-stage with a fella who he assumed was from Contra Records but wasn’t. The snow was pretty heavy by the time we finished – about 3.30am – and the Weimar skins advised us not to attempt to drive home. A worried Terry Hayes (WM) texted to tell us to stay at the hotel, and even wrote Gal’s obituary in case the worst happened (“He died so that Oi might live”). But we’re Gonads and we’re British and neither tedious H&S issues nor the sort of weather that lost the Russian front for the German army during Operation Barbarossa was going to stop us. Daredevil Tony Feedback just put his foot down and went for it, passing endless abandoned vehicles and jack-knifed lorries on the way...he didn’t even fasten his seat belt. By Richard and Hammond! All of the band would like to say a big thank you to Tone, John and Scoops for doing all the driving, and Gal would like to say no thanks at all to the dirty inconsiderate s***-c***s who all smoked continuously and often simultaneously in a no-smoking hire van despite knowing about his recent serious lung problems. ****s! (Continued Grumpy Old Men.)

We could go on and on with the tour stories but it’s better to say that we learned a lot during this blinding trip, and the most important thing for us to remember is: never try and sleep in the vicinity of Wattsie because by the time she finally stops talking and singing (5am) it’s sod’s law that we’ll be lost and general panic will have set in. (We also learnt that no-one knows more about German Gunk Girls porn than Andy, and that none of us wants a woman to put our balls in their mouth no matter how careful they promise to be). Thanks to all of our mates old and new in Deutschland, in particular Marc and Kristian in Berlin and Herbsti, Schmotty and Tom in Weimar. We will be back lads. As that famous German philosopher Karl Marx would almost certainly have said, a spectre is haunting Europe, the spectre of Gonadism...

Memo to Tom: Gal has now found out that the phrase you taught him (“Na Mietz!”) is not a feminist message of solidarity and is best not said enthusiastically to young female fans. Thanks for that. Rotz!

*Irony of ironies: we got back from Weimar at high speed without an incident; this morning in Beckton the WM hit an ice patch at 20mph, skidded and did considerable damage to the Hayes-mobile...

Jan 7. Our former flag girl Vikki Thomas made the front page of the Daily Star today. Buxom blonde Vik was in talks with the producers of Celeb Big Brother about going into the house, on account of her having had flings with Dane Bowers (spit), and Alex Reid (yawn). Hmm, she also bedded Stinky Turner after meeting him around Gal’s house...

* Our pals Maninblack are releasing a four-track debut ep on Contra Smooth Records later this year. Called ‘Straight Out Of Babylon’, the ep will feature four nifty anthems: ‘Mid-Life Crisis’, ‘This Is Oi! (Oi, That's Not Oi!)’. ‘Unfuck'nbelievable’ and ‘Straight Out Of Babylon.’

* California-based punk band The Bronx has just released a new album, ‘Mariachi El Bronx’ (Swami) celebrating Mexican-American culture.

*UKIP has launched a huge referendum petition on the EU: Details HERE.

Jan 6. We drive overnight to Berlin tomorrow for the first of our German gigs; and so with heavy snows blitzing London and the South, Fat Col is busy packing our tour bus with extra supplies of blankets, rum and thermal condoms. Teams of Kent Pranksters, armed with tyre chains and shovels, will be on alert to make sure we get as far as Folkestone in time. Vows Col: “Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail shall keep the Gonads from their appointed German shows.” Those of us who remain behind can only say “God speed”, “Safe return” and “Any chance you could pick us up a decent beer stein while you’re out there?”

PS. Al Gore calls to assure us our passage will be clear by tomorrow thanks to "man-made Kentish warming". We'll see.

Jan 4. Our great new album 'Glorious Bastards' is out now as an 18-track CD and 16-track vinyl 12" in a limited edition two-for-one bargain package for just £10 plus p&p. It’s a terrific collector’s item, and a blinding package as our groupies say when they rip off our strides after a show (“They’re only blinded cos they have to squint to see anything” – Wattsie Watts). Buy now while stocks last!!!

And coming soon exclusive 'Mistress Material' knickers as worn by Wattsie! Watch this space..

* Gal's solo project is up and running at myspace.com/garrybushellsolo, playing just 'Reinfected' at the moment.

Jan 3. Dire news from Berlin where our giffer pals Long Tall Shorty are up to their nostrils in “white line fever”, by which we mean snow. A shivering Tony Feedback reports that it’s blizzard conditions in Eastern Germany – that's five degrees below Anne Robinson. Wattsie Watts’s stylish Modette leggings were apparently no match for the bitter cold and she came home early. Gentleman John has squandered the band’s food float on strong German lager. The snow means that the lads are unable to make it back to Blighty by tomorrow for our vital four-hour pre-tour rehearsal. Even worse, a furious Waistrel is believed to have ruled that this excuse for non-attendance is “entirely frivolous”. As the Gonads are due to drive to Berlin on Thursday night, Gal has advised the three clowns to stay out there. A snarling Beast added the word “permanently.” He went on, unkindly: “This kind of amateurish blundering would not have happened with the HC Metal Gonads.” And for once, he is right.

* Gal's awards for 2009 are up at http://garry-bushell.co.uk

* A fine gig at the 100 Club last night with the good old Vibrators supported by the Bermondsey Joyriders, and a decent crowd in. Garrie ‘Guitar’ Lammin and the lads were joined on stage by the great Charlie Harper, whose freeform reinterpretation of the lyrics went down well with drunks and stoned jazz fans. In the audience was one T. Hayes, WM of this parish, who dispensed wisdom and good cheer to the masses. Unfortunately the evening ended badly as the advanced state of meditation Tel achieved on the way home led him once again to miss his stop and end up in the frozen hell that is Upminster. There were no cabs or night buses, forcing the WM to trudge home through two miles of Arctic waste. (The cold is particularly dangerous in Essex as at sub-zero temperatures, silicone freezes.) Alert to extreme weather dangers Terry swallowed Viagra so that if need be rescuers could find him in the snow. He was even forced to mix the gin in his hip-flask with anti-freeze so he could carry on drinking. Oddly his late night acapella renditions of London Diehard numbers were not received well by the populus, some of whom hurled household objects in his direction. Bloody philistones. On his eventual arrival at Chateau Hayes, the WM found that the chill had spread to the marital bed, and that the good Mrs H was in no mood to “play Hunt The Thimble” in the dark. Tel was forced to hit the red wine and stand outside building a snow man. He tells us: “I would have built a snow woman but I didn’t have time to hollow out the head.” Uh oh. That’s another night kipping on the settee then...