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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.


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This blog is closed until St George’s Day, by order of the most illustrious Lord Waistrel. Watch the news page for any updates.

Feb 11. In a dramatic turn-around, Lord Waistrel last night apologised for the “misunderstanding” about his so-called “lust list”, writes militant blog monkey Fingers McGinty. In a podcast in Barbados, recorded with Simon Cowell, Waistrel – who had previously denied the list’s existence – admitted it was real but claimed it was “a playful and private ‘to-woo’ list rather than anything sordid and seedy”. Yet the wounded aristocrat refused point blank to name the ten women singled out for his affection on the list. Strike leader Wattsie Watts fumed, “This apology is half-cocked, much like Waistrel himself, I’d imagine. The women named must be contacted directly and offered suitable reparations, his Lordship needs to step-down, and the band must be nationalised immediately and without compensation. Otherwise, the strike goes on. La lotta continua!”

Feb 10. As protests continue and anger grows around the world in response to the “lust-list scandal” (Daily Telegraph), we blog-monkeys have occupied this blog and will keep it running for as long as possible. In the latest developments, copies of the “non-existent” list are being hawked around the gutter press (by Slippery Ted), and a “scab” faction inside the band are said to be planning to work through Wattsie and JC’s three-month stoppage. There is no word yet from Lord Waistrel.

Feb 9. Pirate blog update. News Of Lord Waistrel’s alleged “lust list” has outraged right-thinking folk everywhere, including members of the Gonads. James “JC” Cruttwell (bassist & bar) called for the band to stage a three-month strike between June and September “until Waistrel goes”. He is backed by mother-in-law Wattsie Watts who wants the list published, financial compensation for every woman named by the “sexist pig” and the Gonads to be nationalised and placed under workers’ control. Meanwhile angry crowds of feminist protesters mounted picket lines around all of his Lordship’s known UK properties yesterday, perhaps unaware that he is in Sandy Lane, Barbados. A spokesman for Lord Waistrel denied that any list exists and dismissed those published yesterday as “works of fiction”.

This is an unauthorised (and unpaid) blog-monkey hack that might be taken down swiftly, so read quickly chaps. We understand that the Gonads will record and release a new single this summer ahead of the new official bootleg double album, and that Gal is working with Garrie Lammin (Cock Sparrer, Little Roosters, Bermondsey Joyriders) on a new track called She’s Coming Soon.

In other news: members of Club 77 have voted for the seven songs they would most like to see back in the Nads set. They are: Rob A Bank, TNT, Gob, What’s Happening Now, Fat Cat Splat, Valhallaballoo and of course (What’s The Story?) England’s Glory. FrankenSkin and The Growler were eighth and nineth respectively. Fun fact: There was just one vote for Mistress Material from a certain C. Gannon of Plumstead – the song was performed live just once, “somewhere in Camden” – and one for Ruptured Foreskin Blues, which was only ever played in Germany.

Our next poll is to find the seven best Gonads numbers that have never been played live. Get Voting!

STOP PRESS. The Old Bill were called in last night after a raid on Lord Waistrel’s “love palace” in Pratt’s Bottom, Kent. We hear whispers that among the items stolen from his cast-iron safe was his so-called Lust List – a rumoured “to-do list” of the ten future “wife-lets” his Lordship would must like to, umm, “dally with”. A spokesman for the repulsive feudal reactionary called the list “a tiresome myth” and denied its existence. But according to our anonymous informant (Slippery Ted, retired cat-burglar) the ten names “include women well-known on the scene” and, if published, “is certain to outrage thousands”. Sid claims that Waistrel will pay “top dollar” to hush up the scandal and “keep the names out of the public sphere”. We know who Number Six is said to be, but who is Number One????

Feb 5. Here’s one for Strictly lovers, Giovanni Pernice is today’s Sunday Express Review cover star, and I’m talking telly with author Kate Mosse ahead of her one-woman tour.

Rishi Rish is said to be “considering” pulling out of the ECHR over the illegal immigrant crisis. I think there was more chance of Boris pulling out of a girlfriend in his wilder days. Tories talk tough on illegal immigration and do nothing. It’s a total bluff. Sunak hasn’t got the guts.

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