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Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation.
As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.

Feb 25. Lord Waistrel yesterday returned from his Christmas sojourn at the deluxe Sandy Lane Hotel, Barbados, and promptly slapped a life-time ban on the Gonads playing any more gigs in public houses. Brushing off band enquiries about royalties “as trivia”, his Lordship decreed: “The chance to book the Gonads to play your local has now permanently elapsed. This band is now available only for festival bookings, interesting support slots and established music venues. That is all.” Waistrel did however sanction our next three gigs - in the Black Forest (March 9), in Croydon (April 6) and the Mid-Wales ‘Never Trust A Hippy’ festival in June. While Scrotum, his Lordship’s gentleman’s gentleman, added mysteriously that “big fings are in the pipeline.” This blog now returns to a state of hibernation. Toodle pip.

Feb 24. Thank you Bletchley for a wild night on the tiles. How wild was it? Put it this way, our new song ‘Ruptured Foreskin Blues’ is a true story, the sordid details of which are best left until the official Gonads book is published...

Gal’s latest podcast is up with studio guests Secret Affair and the Crows, and featuring new tracks from The Selecter, the UK Subs, P45, brilliant King Brillo & more. Hear it here. Or don’t. Why should we care? It’s your call, blue eyes.

Feb 22. An urgent message to female Gonads fans planning to come to our gig in Bletchley tomorrow arms: CAUTION! If Fat Col offers to “get ya in the gig for free for a blow job” ignore him – it’s FREE anyway! We’re killing ourselves for you, people!

Feb 19. If this blog were currently up and running we’d be forced to mention that we have just received a text from Wattsie Watts stating that Saturday will be “good practice for the big one.” Mercifully it isn’t.

PS. Please note: in future all Gonads gigs will be credited as THE GONADS – SUPERSTARS OF SEX.

Feb 15. We interrupt our radio silence to bring you news of a shock development - the Face of Gal has been materialising in the windows of coffee shops all over the North of England. This poster, showing Gal's traditional trademark grin, was captured on camera by Batttttty, who tells us she was "traumatised" when she spotted Mr Gonad leering at her from a Costa window in Nottingham. Each bears the statement 'Show us what you're made of.' We consulted Old Eric, a Druid, who tells us that the outbreak of posters is "a sign". Of what we ask, breathlessly. "A deeply mystical development similar to the appearance of angels at the Battle Of Mons". Really? Strewth. Pausing only to demolish his pint, Eric went on: "This is a message to the Men, and no doubt in these PC times also the Women, of England to step forward and do their bit." Read into that what you will, but one thing is certain, the Gonadification of old Albion has begun. So mote it be.

The Gonads Website

PS. Fact lovers: Nacho Jase will be replaced at Bletchley by youthful guitar wiz Lee Meadows, a specialist in "face-melting, mind-bending, world-imploding solos, licks and dual guitar harmonies", apparently, and not Ronnie Bottom as previously announced. Back soon, buddies.

Feb 10. No blog till Bletchley! See you there!

The Gonads Website

More details on our split EP with the Uprisers here:

Feb 9. We’re taking this opportunity to tackle some of your FAQ. Here goes...

Q. Will the Gonads rarities ever be made available? A. It’s possible. There are a number of songs that fans and collectors keep banging on about – the original ‘Beachcomber’, ‘Mystic Meg’, ‘Fire Down Under’, ‘Ripper’s Delight’, ‘New Cavaliers’, ‘Mosques’, ‘Give Her A Dog’, the clean version of ‘Badly Done’ etc. We’d like to release them at some stage, but to be honest we’re more interested in recording Greater Hits Volume 3 later this year and that beauty won’t be released until after the bootleg sessions. So, maybe 2014, but Gal tells us: “We might just give the rarities away as an MP3 collection next year because it’s not about money, is it?”

Q. Will the Nads punk rock opera Parousia ever see the light of day? A. No, it was shit.

Q. Whatever happened to Curryhouse Lizzy? A. We wish we knew; Music Hall aficionado Lizzy, who despite being over 60 was a passionate naturalist, would be a natural addition to the SkaNads, but no-one has seen her clothed or unclothed since 2007.

Q. Where do the Gonads stand politically? A. The Gonads are post-socialist anarcho-patriots with an unhealthy interest in Rachel Riley’s under-garments. Or to put it more simply: realism is the pruning of trees, Gonadery is the pruning of dreams. Situationists: 5, Stalinism: Nil. The revolution died at Kronstadt. Mnogo! Mnogo! Small is beautiful. Down with sexism, up with the cock, and viva Jerry Sadowitz. Up the Addicks. All power to the imagination. (We trust that clears up the matter.)

Q. Will there ever be a Gonads book? A. Very possibly. We’ve been approached. Blue prints have been drawn up.

Q. What book is Gal writing next? A. Gal is currently editing the definitive Oi book, but before that his Rock ’n’ Roll Diaries will be published in the States this Summer. He is also writing the third part of The Face trilogy.

Q. Are there any alternatives to the Pranksters other than ‘Young Eltham’ and their Hellfire Club? A. Yes. The Pranksters’ crisis has also renewed interest in the Pie & Mash Club, the Midget Protection League, and The Noble Knights Of The Vine (which Gal and the PM are senior officials of).

Q. Will the complete works of the Gonads ever be available in one of them £250 sets? A. No! We’d like a complete works box-set to be released at a reasonable price at some stage, but there are various legal wrangles about song ownership which are complicated by the fact that nobody seems to own every version of a Gonads release. Strangely, for a band with such a high profile, the Nads' catalogue is in an absurd amount of disarray, and as a result it can be ferociously difficult for ‘novice fans’ to make heads or tails of it. Additionally, once those ‘novice fans’ have matured into ‘obsessive collectors’, our catalogue takes on more dimensions than Quantum Leap. The easiest way to deal with this is to say that the band themselves believe that Gonads recording history actually begins in earnest in 1999. Everything before that is expendable. Please send any further questions to Now FAQ orff.

Some news. Joey Ramone's record collection is up for auction soon. Joey’s discs are said to be in “very good to fine condition, with various scattered creases and small tears to sleeves, affixed prices tags and labels, and marks to vinyl.” The records come from the Joey Ramone Estate and are accompanied by a letter signed by Joey's brother Mickey, verifying their provenance. The minimum opening bid on the albums is $500 (£318) and the collection is going up for auction via RR Auction. Bidding opens on Valentine’s Day. For a full list of records, visit Joey's custom-made leather jacket, guitars, t-shirts and his passport are also going under the hammer.

Randomola: The legendary Jimmy Cliff plays the 02 Shepherds Bush Empire on 25th June... Nice to see Nacho Jase is keeping busy, with his sterling work for the Lost Island Encounter adventure golf course. Here’s Jase in action:

Feb 8. Eltham calling. Tomorrow night, Olas Boss Upsetter Sound System is “live and direct” at The Old Post Office, Eltham, London SE9 for a proper evening of Boss Reggae, Rocksteady and Ska. You get dj Olas Boss – The Upsetter, plus Mick Jeffrey, Danny Hatcher, Melvin Goodyer, John Anderson and Paul Pettit. Starts 7pm, finishes 2am. All for a fiver.

The brand new studio album from the UK Subs is out now on Captain Oi! Called ‘Charlie Harper, 100 Years Not Out’ (Are you sure? – Ed) the album has 14 new proper tracks and a bonus dozen acouzzztic numbers, plus 20-page booklet. Hold on, what’s that? It’s actually called XXIV, cos it’s their 24th album? And it’s in Roman numerals because when Charlie was at school, Julius Caesar’s grandson was headmaster and the whole curriculum was in Latin? Sorry, easy mistake to make.

Feb 7. Serenity now. Serenity now. SERENITY NOW!

Feb 6. A Jolly Pranksters crisis meeting was held in That Kent Place last night. The PM turned up, wearing Charlie the Beagle around his neck like a drooling fox fur stole, to throw his weight behind the campaign to save the Pranksters from self-destruction. How did it go? Effete El whispers: “Fat Col turned up with two bottles of Macon, and a crate of Stella. Prankster business was swiftly forgotten...” Poor show.

Feb 5. ‘’Ere we come, walkin’ down the street, we get the funniest looks from all the filth we meet...’ Hey, hey we’re the Gonads 2013, and we’re gigging for just eleven more months. Use us before you lose us, kids!

The Gonads Website

Free 12-track Oi! sampler available NOW from Oi! The Boat records. Get it from here. No strings attached.

Justice for the Orgreave miners, petition here.

Feb 4. This looks good. ‘United We Stand: The Front Lines Of American Street Punk’ is just out in the States on Durty Mick Records. This new Oi! comp is the brainchild of Noi!se singer Matt, an ex-paratrooper who came up with it while he was serving in Afghanistan in 2011. It mixes the best of the US Oi!/streetpunk scene, old and new, and all proceeds go to wounded servicemen and women returning home from deployment with injuries requiring ongoing care. The thirty tracks are: Noise - Idle Action; Chosen Ones - Fight Back; Scars And Stripes - No Money, No Problems; Stigma - Heroes Of Our Time; Old Firm Casuals - Lone Wolf; Murderer's Row - We Want More Beer;. Roger Miret And The Disasters - We're Gonna Find A Way (Dub Remix); Left Alone - Bombs Away;. Roadside Bombs - You're Gonna Die; Sydney Ducks - Espirit De Corps; 45 Adapters - Nothing To Prove; Gestalts – Borderline; Lower Class Brats - New Sediments; Hounds And Harlots – Bloodlines; Adams Dagger - Here Lies; Toughskins - Protect The Warriors; Broadsiders – Lions’ Den; Aces And Eights - Sand Viper; Harrington Saints – Factories; Patriot – DMZ; Bricktop - A Soldier’s Prayer; Broken Heroes – Drink; Stamford Bridge - Without You; Rat City Riot - What's Wrong; The Fighting 48th - We Ain't Going No Where; Unit Six - Street Rock And Roll Blues; Razors In The Night - Skinheads Alright; Antagonizers Atl - This Songs For You; Bonecrusher - In This Life; Street Dogs - Final Transmission.

PEOPLE POWER: we’re not a political band as you know, but John King’s idea for a new patriotic street socialist movement reported on this blog has inspired a planning meeting “for herberts” to formulate a manifesto. Says a source: “It’s time to reclaim socialism for the people. What we’re looking at creating is not so much ‘a UKIP of the Left’ but a UKIP of the working class.” If we hear how it goes we’ll let you know, if only to piss off the Nazis.

Feb 3. Okay, having bumped into Paul Pettitt in Tesco’s yesterday (the glamorous punk rock life-style, eh kids?), we can reveal that this Ska-tastic event is happening on March 31st down in Dartford with DJs and a hog roast (who could ask for more?):

The Gonads Website

But before that, this MOMENTOUS occurrence is occurring:

The Gonads Website

Grumpy Mr X demanded Maninblack news, and who are we to let him down? André Schlesinger and the boys will be making their first appearance outside Manhattan this month with a gig at The Grand Victory in Williamsburg (245 Grand Street, Brooklyn, NY 11211) on Sunday 17th Feb. Supports include Hopeless Otis, Family Fun, and The Shipwrecks who are all punk to some degree or another. Admission is $8.00; doors open at 7pm with Maninblack hitting the stage around 9pm. Advance tickets are available from here.

In other Maninblack news, their DIY label Black Dalek Records (the only label that still offers a Lear jet, hotel damage insurance, groupies, groupies, groupies, and a Whitman's Sampler of non-liquid refreshments...) has created a YouTube channel in order to showcase videos by the band. There's no actual moving picture videos up yet but there are several tracks up and the band is said to be in the preproduction stages of some audio/video recordings. Black Dalek's YouTube channel can be found here.

On the Prankster front, we’re sad to report that brethren are deserting in droves as Maidstone Tone’s insane dictatorial insistence on the Onesie and formal cutlery threatens his authority over an increasingly restless brotherhood. Senior pranksters tell us off record that “scores, perhaps hundreds” of activists are resigning or refusing to renew their membership in protest at Tone’s insistence that grown men, many of advanced years, don what is essentially infant body-wear. His opposition to punk is another major stumbling block. How much the crisis is benefiting the break-away Hellfire Club is subject to speculation but a man in a crumpled suit from the Burwash area whispers: “There be serious unrest at the grass roots; the troops be unhappy. Brethren be drifting away.” An imperious Maidstone sought to exert his authority last night. Speaking from his bunker, sorry, bungalow near Pratt’s Bottom, the WM made clear that: the Onesie was here to stay, knives forks would be used at all times at festive boards (even when eating bananas, chocolate bars or soup), and the St George’s Day weekender would feature the works of Gilbert & Sullivan rather than Oi and Ska or even hard rock of the UFO school. A tearful Old Eric was heard mumbling “This is the end for the Pranksters, not even the PM can save us now.”

Feb 2. There has recently been media talk of the need for a “UKIP of the Left” – a people’s alternative to the poor moribund Labour Party. But where could such a party come from? Fat Col is right (for once) when he snorts “The type of twonks who write for the Independent/New Statesman etc would never come up with policies that address the concerns of down-to-earth, hard-working folk.” However John King may have the perfect solution. John, author of such fine works of literature as Headhunters and England Away, has been developing his earlier vision of a Street Socialist Party led by “ten good men in combat jackets” and is now proposing to form The People’s Party Of Great Britain (PPGB). This new party would be patriotic and socialist, and he would run on a platform of: VOTE KING, VOTE PPGB, VOTE FOR AN IMMEDIATE WITHDRAWAL FROM THE EUROPEAN UNION. Other policies being discussed include the need to nationalize greedy energy suppliers, kick out Starbucks, and cap bankers’ salaries. There are obvious crossovers with Oi! The Party, proposed by the Ministry Of Delusion, and the old League Of Labour Skins of the early 1980s. How likely is to take off? John tells us: “the PPGB used to exist after eight pints, it is now down to two; when it hits zero it will explode into the wider world...”

Below, PPGB leader John King and pals bite their lips and head to Brussels for delicate negotiations on British withdrawal from the EU...

The Gonads Website

A rather disrespectful text arrives from a ‘Mr. X’ accusing this blog of becoming boring. ‘It’s all about punk and music and stuff,” he moans. “What has happened to the stories about the Pranksters? Where is the talk of Boozy Barker’s Bus Tours of the Scottish Highlands? Where are the adverts for Maninblack shows in Manhattan to stoke our dreams of one day of actually seeing André (the fifth Gonad) playing in New York, New York?’ It was a long text, and it went on in similar vein for some time before ending: ‘Where is the Wattsie Watts bikini shot?’ Well that’s easy, that’s here:

The Gonads Website

As for the rest, the poor old Pranksters have been ripped asunder, as recently reported; ruptured permanently by the breaking away of the Eltham Boys’ so-called ‘Hellfire Club’ sect. The brotherhood is said to be “falling apart like the old Beast-mobile” with Maidstone Tone’s rule increasingly under question. Effete El speaks darkly, but in riddles, of Drake’s Drum, and King Arthur – the once and future King. “According to Prankster lore, at a time of national emergency, whenever England and her Pranksters are in danger, a heroic figure from our past shall return to lead us to new-found glory,” he notes, going on: “We believe that such a time is now, and that the PM will surely return soon, his hair golden like the sands of the Sahara, his feathers in full bloom like that of the ostrich on the plains of the savannas, to take over the mantle of leadership again and spit at Fate straight in the eye.” Of course, counting on the PM to turn up on cue is fraught with danger, but what we ask of rumours that the Lad Himself has compromised his position by associating with known knaves, varmints, creeps, dead-beats, round-dodgers, head-bangers, conmen, illiterate loiterers, unrepentant war criminals, joyless zealots and rough-house baggages? “Oh,” replies El. “We’ve all been there, luv.”

At the risk of irritating Mr X further, Germany’s very political Mad Butcher tells us he has repressed the rare Oi classic Unite & Win by Oi Polloi, and is re-releasing left-wing Canadian Oi band Prowler’s first album, Hair Today Gone Tomorrow, on vinyl.

Feb 1. Out today: Hooligan Classics Vol II. Have it! The spirit of Oi! lives on Randale Records! And don’t forget there are only three weeks and one day until Bletchley.

Out now: Street Sounds issue # 2, featuring Jennie Mathias, Neville Staple, Rancid, The Jam in Paris 1979, Punk & Disorderly, Missing Andy, Pete Townshend, hot new bands, Bev Elliott’s Soho punk diary, Skinhead Art, Cock Sparrer, Beki Bondage, Vikki Spit, Matt Worley on Steve Ignorant and Stinky Turner, and Gal talking to Squeeze; plus album, film and book reviews, The Bitch, street fashion, badges and more. All for just £2! Available from here.

Louise Distras and Jenny Woo’s brilliant ‘Stand Strong Together’ single can be heard here – and yes Col, the words are ‘Unity in our hearts’, not ‘nudity’, you fat oaf!

New York ska punk band Mrs Skannotto streaming new song ‘Free Speech Zone’ here.

Our mate Mickey Chancer will fight Amir Khan’s manager Asif Vali in a boxing match next month - over a row about Khan’s appearance in a pop promo video. The bout takes place on 23rd March at the Bolton Boxing Arena in the Town Hall. So what’s all that about? Mickey, who manages Shakey’s Brother, tells us that former world light welterweight champ Khan popped up in a video for singer Jessica Moon (who Mickey was looking after) a few years back. He had wanted £110,000 to appear, and in return he promised to plug the song in his TV appearances. But in the event he mentioned it just once, on Granada Reports, so Mick refused to pay up and Khan’s side did not pursue the matter... but it clearly festered because after a recent heated exchange of views, Chancer and Vali have agreed to settle the matter over five x three minute round grudge match. Vali was a highly-rated amateur boxer before he went into management, Mick has fought bare-knuckle and was a kick-boxing champ. If you fancy watching get in quick, cos it’s likely to sell-out – all proceeds will go to the McMillan cancer trust.

Stiff Little Fingers, New Model Army, The Farm, The Egg, Ned's Atomic Dustbin, Ruts DC, Goldblade, Asian Dub Foundation and The Hummingbirds are all on the bill for the Bearded Theory Festival in May. The Levellers are headlining. Bearded Theory takes place at Kedleston Hall, Derbyshire from 17th-19th May.

STOP PRESS. Bad news from Keith Boyce: "It is with great sadness and regret that I have to report that Mickey Waller, guitarist and founder of the Heavy Metal Kids, has passed away in a Paris hospital early this afternoon. Mickey had been unwell for the past year and had been battling cancer of the throat and some other ailments. Mickey was a life-long friend of mine and the best friend you could wish for. He would do anything for you and was the most generous person I have ever known. He was also a brilliant guitarist, musician and composer and a very funny man. As well as playing with the Heavy Metal Kids Mickey was a member of 60s band the Mickey Finn. After leaving HMK in 1975 Mickey joined Steve Marriott's All Stars until they disbanded. He then concentrated on session work and moved to France in the early eighties where he recorded and toured with some of the top French artists such as Jacques Higelin and Nino Ferrer among others. He is survived by a daughter Tara. I will miss him so much. R.I.P Mickey Waller. "