Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
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Dec 22. By the grace of Lord Waistrel, may his piles never swell, we are back very briefly today in order to honour the birthday of the saintly Shona Wattsie Watts, his Lordship’s former muse and the band’s former backing singer and co-vocalist. Former, you cry?!? Sadly yes. “Waistrel giveth and He taketh away,” notes a passing blog monkey seething about the blog’s near-permanent closure. He adds, “It’s a scandal up there with Starmer cancelling elections.” Lured into indiscretions by several pints of chilled Paulaner, the anonymous blog monkey rants on, saying, “The Gonads have experienced carnage over the last two weeks, which is why Waistrel is keeping us shut.” It seems that, in rapid succession, his Lordship FIRED Wattsie and Phil for “insurrection”, and then his brutal sidekick Miss Management FIRED the blameless Paul Ska-Nad aka Scruff a) “because he’d never been sacked before” and b) “because he was once accused of round-dodging and was judged far too leniently for a true Gonad – who does he think he is? Spizz?” When a concerned Scrotum told Waistrel that the only band members left were Gal and JC, the good Lord immediately FIRED JC saying his continued presence in the Gonads was “a regrettable over-sight”. Strewth! “It is chaos and, as I said, carnage,” our unknown source continues. “Now the band consists of Gal Gonad, Mark McMighty, Mercy – re-hired at Waistrel’s insistence – and Clyde Ward, with Miss M cracking the whip managerially.” The core of this new line-up might well be boosted by associate members John King, Carrie Griffiths and Micky Pugh, although all three of them have yet to complete the “complex ceremonial bonding.” Effete El, sorry, the anonymous source, goes on: “And as well as all this old cobblers, blog readers have also been denied the details of this year’s Festivus, health updates on our dear pals Lee Wilson and the PM, Waistrel’s own unsavory ‘to do’ list, SkaNads plans, Human Punk developments, a particularly revolting Fat Col true story, and exciting exclusives about the Curry On Up The Gonads revival. It’s a fiasco.” Quite. Yet sadly Lord Waistrel remains unmoved.
Dec 10. Scrotum the butler has moved decisively in the wake of Monday night’s insurrection. Not only has he shut this blog indefinitely, he has also made it clear that any unapproved posts that somehow manage to sneak past our enhanced cyber-security system will result in sackings and “substantial” fines for the posters. Scrotum, Lord Waistrel’s wrinkled retainer, was said to be shocked and saddened by the disturbances that marred the band’s traditional Christmas Curry. He told us, “I am only doing what I know ’Is Lordship would want. If ’e were hin the country then the response would be sterner.” Lord Waistrel was unavailable for comment but his lifelong friend and adviser, the Honourable Galahad ‘Gally’ Threepwood is believed to have convinced Scrotum to act swiftly. Speaking on behalf of Club 77, Effete El condemned the butler’s “Draconian measures” saying. “This leaves fans in the terribly frustrating position – will the band do any gigs in 2026? Will the proposed Finnish and Dublin/Ring of Kerry shows go ahead? And what will become of the Ska-Nads spin-off plan? We just don’t know. We loyal supporters have been left in limbo. Should we expect sackings after Monday’s regrettable chaos? By trying to oust Gal and Clyde, the rebels must surely have signed their own death warrants. For once, the situation can’t be settled by Miss Management handing out physical discipline with her trusty spanking paddle… however pleasingly effective that might be. There are too many known unknowns and unknown unknowns. Might two rival Gonads line-ups form in the aftermath of this catastrophic fall-out, or will Wattsie agree to wear a gag in public as a goodwill gesture to prevent future outbursts? And what of other possibilities? Might Clyde opt to help build The GBX around Gal and Brooke Combe and concentrate on TikTok, YouTube and TV formats? We know Wattsie has been approached to co-front the PM’s new band The Spodes, will that happen? These are the questions.” Yes they are, and very big questions they are too. Sadly, there will be no answers on this blog now for some considerable time. Merry Festivus and Happy New Year! Goodbye, folks.
Dec 9. Chaos abounded at the Gonads traditional Xmas curry meet last night as what should have been a slap-up celebration of a remarkable year descended into bitterness and factional in-fighting. It started with a furious Miss Management challenging an absent Si Spanner to a “no-holds-barred fist fight – the winner to manage the band”. Then came the so-called Kazoo Incident, which saw Wattsie and her rebel allies whip out kazoos and perform a tuneless version of Twisted Sister’s We’re Not Gonna Take It. The incident unsettled other diners and saw the chef emerge from the kitchen sharpening his largest knives – an image which, for Gal, triggered disturbing memories of the band’s violent ejection from a Lewisham curryhouse while performing an acoustic set in 1977. Unrepentant, Wattsie argued that Gal should be expelled from the Gonads so she could take over “and lead the band into a triumphant new year of gigging”. She also called for Clyde to be banned from the recording studio, and Waistrel to be “overthrown” so the band could be run as an independent co-operative under her iron rule. Her demands were supported by Phil McDermott and condemned by Gal and Lord Waistrel’s spokes-gentleman’s gentleman, Scrotum. A grim-faced Fat Col said, “I can’t see how treacherous Wattsie and rank opportunist Phil can bounce back from such an outrageous display of public insurrection. She has finally shown her true colours.”
Dec 7. Unapproved but true post: Yesterday’s Club 77 AGM in Upper Dicker, East Sussex, voted to CONDEMN the Gonads’ decision to retire and URGE Lord Waistrel to “see sense and appoint new management to kick the bands’ lazy arses into gear”. Various names were suggested to “do a Jürgen Klopp and take the Gonads to the top” but the leading candidates emerged as Si Spanner – who favours a return to live shows “irrespective of Gal’s lugholes” with a series of guerilla gigs and prestige showcases leading up to festivals in South America. And Two-Ton Tony Madras of the Beer Monster Elite, whose more provocative plans involve relocating the band to Finland and then gigging their way south through Poland and on to conquer the historic Sudetenland before forging into Belarus were dismissed as “unnecessarily aggressive” and “largely impractical”. Under Spanner’s bold management, the band would be “monetised” and rogue elements ruthlessly replaced. A distraught Effete El reports, “Both plans are ridiculous and unrealistic. The Gonads have run at a loss on and off since 1977. But Si caught the mood of the club and famously managed all-woman rock trio Oral, and Two-Ton Tony claims to have the backing of associate Gonad John King.” Both men will be pitching their ideas to Lord Waistrel in late January, when he returns from his traditional extended festive break at Sandy Lane, Barbados.
STOP PRESS. Various reports suggest John King will be “knighted” on Tuesday evening in a private London gathering involving the Gonads ceremonial wooden spoon (known variously as the Golden Spoon, the Long One and ‘The Excali-Spoon’) – the final stage in making his associate membership both official and lifelong.
Dec 2. Authorised book news: John King’s new novella Peekaboo Bosh is out now, and it comes with bonus short story, Roadblock 2am. Available from here.
Gal’s new novel Bad Apple, set in New York and dedicated to the late punk rock detective Andre Schlessinger of The Press, is available from here. But for signed copies email management@bushell.biz direct.
Gal’s PA Fit Bird confirms that his first short story collection, containing two brand new Harry Tyler adventures, will definitely be published next year. She tells us, “’E’s on a roll, in’e? An egg and bacon one with brown sauce and a cup of splosh. Don’t tell that John King, he’ll go Garrity wun’e?” (Can anyone translate this drivel? – Ed).
Please note: we have just a handful of copies of GB’s Sounds Of Glory volumes one and two left in stock. Email management@bushell.biz for details. Volumes 3 and 4 are works in progress.
STOP PRESS #1: Gal and Carrie Griffiths were spotted at Ronnie Scott’s jazz club in Soho last night. Furious Fat Col and his long-time frenemy, conspiracy-crazed Wattsie Watts, were finally united by the news, with both demanding to know: Were they simply enjoying the jam-packed festive Motown show, or will this be the direction The GBX are heading in? Only time will tell, kids, only time will tell…
STOP PRESS #2: The Jolly Pranksters’ annual Festivus will take place at That East Sussex Place over the weekend of 19 – 21st December. Asked for details a senior Prankster of grand rank told us, “In nobis et per nos, Anglia vivit” which probably means see your Tyler for details. THIS BLOG IS NOW SHUT.
