Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
THE GONADS! CHARLTON! SOUTH LONDON! STREET ROCK N ROLL! COCKNEY CULTURE! COCKNEY ROCK! OI-TONE! SKA! BEER! CURRY! WORKERS’ RIGHTS! FLAG-GIRLS! ENGLAND! OI OI OI! THIS IS WHO WE ARE!
December 31. We won’t wish you all a happy new year because we did that last year and look how that turned out. Instead we’ll wish an awful, stinking year in the hope that 2021 turns out better than this one did! Cheers!
Dec 24th. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OUR READERS. WE’LL BE BACK IN THE NEW YEAR. CHEERS! YOUR CHUMS, THE GONADS. Here’s The Greatest Cockney Christmas to keep you going!
Dec 18. A new front in the battle for punk’s legacy has opened in The Spectator of all places. In an interview with Rod Liddle, Rick Wakeman says not much that came out of punk endured. Really Rick? Because we can think of a shedload of songs that are still very much part of the national culture and bands who are a continuing influence on musicians today. Gal hit back on Twitter and The Cure’s Roger O’Donnell joined the fray labelling Wakeman “a twat”. We quite like Rick here, he’s a funny guy and even got The Tubes signed back in the day, but he’s wrong about punk.
Dec 17. Stumbling upon Back & Barking on Spotify, Fat Col asks if the 1999 release is “the greatest ever Gonads studio album”? It’s certainly a strong contender, we reckon, although there were some corkers on Live Free Die Free and all. Col, who has nothing else to do in Belmarsh, tells us he is “double-gutted” about his incarceration because it means he can’t sell his latest Xmas tat, to wit – Bex-Ray Specs, which “allow the wearer to see through any upper layer of clothing worn by Rebecca Bex of Bexatron”. Wattsie Watts immediately labelled him “sick” and the glasses “inappropriate, a gross intrusion of privacy”. She added, “So if he was out flogging them on Woolwich market, he’d be back inside in no time. He’s just as bad as upskirt photography”. Agreed, but, um, Col, save us a pair will you please mate? Just for research purposes…
Gal and Clyde started work on a new song today. Scream At Me is said to be shaping up to be the best thing they’ve written for years. Clyde tells us, “it’s dead serious, the essence of rock’n’roll, an absolute belter”. Bring it on!
Dec 16. The Pranksters’ traditional Festivus is ON. Brother X, a member of the secret society who has asked to remain anonymous, tells us the three-day event will be occurring at “that Essex place”. It will feature “a variety of traditional entertainers” including pathetique punk band Ronnie & The Re-Gooners, stand-up comic Arthur Lobon and “a geezer hitting himself over the head with a tray to the tune of Mule Train,” adds Brother X, real name Effete El. See your Tyler for details. Despite their nationwide “circuit” of illegal Speakeasy bars, the brotherhood maintains that not a single member has contracted the Coronavirus. They will be “drinking for England” over the holiday period while muttering darkly about the many of failings of BBC schedulers and Bojo’s government of clowns.
Dec 14. So here it is… merry August? Here’s the early line-up for next year’s Rebellion. Looks a corker. But what odds our clueless politicians fuck this up as well?
Why is Wattsie refusing to have her picture taken with the eerie alien stalker poster? She failed to turn up for a photoshoot yesterday and swerved the chance of an intimate night shoot on Friday when she was just 60yards from the offending item. Psychological experts claim that Wattsie fears the poster is actually a portal to another dimension, and that, were she to stand too close to it, her out-of-galaxy admirer would pull her through and do unspeakable things to her (like un-puff those sleeves). From his dingy cell in HMP Belmarsh, a distinctly unsympathetic Fat Col sniffs, “What’s wrong with the bloody woman? It wouldn’t bother me… I’ve spent half me life praying to get sucked up by an alien life-force.” And the nearest he got was The Yeti…
Dec 13. More details emerge of next year’s rockabilly EP. The original plan – just to “billy up” old Gonads songs – has been rejected in favour of two brand-new songs, Teeth Aht and Half Past Three & Nine Pence. A new version of Mistress Material – “Tupelo Mix” – will be the third track, and the fourth will either be the unreleased, “semi-autobiographical” number Chatham Docks or our original 1970s rocker Pink Tent rebooted, “whichever sounds best”.
RANDOM noos: Pirates Press have published Boots-N-Booze – the first edition of an autobiographical graphic novel set in a small California beach town during the 80s. The comic comes with an exclusive 7" featuring the early Swingin’ Utters (known then as Johnny Peebucks & The Swingin’ Utters) recorded live at one of the parties documented in the comic. Based in Santa Cruz, Boots-N-Booze covered the entire traditional skinhead movement including music reviews, booze reviews, and interviews with bands and musicians spanning the entire scope of the culture… hooligan mag GHQ is now available in paperback form from Amazon… and talk about flogging things to death, the people behind the Rise Of The Foot Soldier franchise are now developing it as a game – the actual foot soldier was Rejects fan Carlton Leach (West Ham & bar) who has nothing to do with it…
NADS AD: on sale now, jars of prototype of the GONADS “Ring-stinger” CURRY (2xphal strength)! Order direct from Col Gannon Enterprises (HMP Belmarsh), £3 a jar plus p&p. “Suitable for visionary folk who believe that ‘best before’ dates are a capitalist rip-off”.
Dec 12. Last night’s Christmas Curry was a triumphant but reflective affair, with many toasts to Barbara Windsor, RIP, and some staggering Shirley Bassey revelations. Paul SkaNad quashed those vile “round-dodger” rumours by forking out for the first two shouts, and then Santa Phil excelled himself by generously paying the entire £200 festive curry bill, earning instant “Top Man” status (and also provoking cries of “Cheers!”, “Geezer!” and “If we’d known we’d have had the effing brandy”). But perhaps the biggest surprise of the night was our post-curry decision to record our first ever rockabilly ep next year. Yeah, that’s right, daddy-o – we’re gonna goose it up and lay down four tracks of fast-jivin’, hip-thrustin’, finger-blastin’ rock’n’roll madness for you crazy cats… before getting down to some serious backseat bingo. (Blog editor’s warning: They might all have forgotten this by the time they sober up. And the less said about new song ‘Teeth In, Teeth Aht?’ the better).
In other news, Shona’s stalking alien was spotted less than sixty yards from the restaurant but there was no sign of JC, Gonads super-fan Rudi Guerre or Fat Col stoking fears that Col had got collared for flogging dodgy gear from his stall (like he did last year) and somehow got the others nicked too… more noos may follow.
Book noos: next April, Clash books will publish In Defence of Ska – a comprehensive demolition of Propagandhi's pig-ignorant ‘Ska Sucks’ by Aaran Carnes, who examines Ska’s glorious history and its third wave reincarnation.
Dec 5. The sainted Lord Waistrel (feudal landowner, committed Prankster and global Scotch egg manufacturer) rings from Sandy Lane, Barbados, to complain that he has “noticed a tendency for this blog to get too silly” in his absence. We are devastated. His Lordship has ordered us to only publish serious news today, so here goes. Our January gig at the New Cross Inn is “extremely likely” to happen. Our Christmas Curry is ON for next week, with hopes that the full Punk Rock Curry Club will be able to reconvene in February. And there are several other exciting plans in place: 1) A three or four track EP will be recorded before April featuring new songs in the Federales mould such as Better Land and Three Chords & The Truth 2) Gonads management has approved the 18 Stone of Dynamite album “in principle” and we aim to record it in Cyprus as soon as travel restrictions are lifted, but 3) Work has begun on GBX’s debut album and that may take priority; there is also talk of a new collaboration involving GBX and Liberty Hayes along the lines of Drink Till I’m Skint. 4) The video shoot for The Full English will go ahead when the world returns to normal. The only downer is that a brand-new Gonads protest song, written by Gal and Clyde, called Save Our Pubs, has been shelved as “it cannot be released in time to be effective”.
*Terence Hayes, PM, has joined the ever-growing chorus of approval for our new song Federales, praising it as “the dogs!” We are waiting for CDs to hit Nads HQ. The vinyl should be in street culture emporiums like Oi Oi The Shop and All Ages any day now. Or you can order it direct from ’ere.
If we weren’t being so serious, we would mention that we’ve heard reports of a “rampant” robot-like creature taking out its frustration on an innocent vacuum cleaner in near-by Pratt’s Bottom, a-lusting and a-thrusting as it reached an eerie alien climax. But we are, so forget we mentioned it.
Dec 4. Is this the mysterious alien that is stalking Wattsie? His image has appeared all over walls in north west Kent. Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner) tells us: “We believe this is the alien suitor trying to make an impression on her. It’s a kind of mating ritual. We also have reason to believe that these disturbing images are related to the giant phallus incident. Consequently, we have put a shadow security team on Wattsie. Fat Col volunteered for close protection duties but his offer was vetoed.” Who by, we ask? “Wattsie,” he replies. Us: Any more phallus sightings? Sporrell: “No. We tend to agree that the alien must be behind it because the only person on earth that could make a giant phallus disappear completely is the Yeti… and she’s doing a five stretch at HM Prison Bronzefield.”
Wattsie Watts has poo-pooed suggestions that her alien stalker has been identified. “That’s no alien, it’s a robot!” she chortled. But Effete El tells us: “I’m afraid Wattsie is being a little naïve. Clearly she isn’t up to date with advanced alien technology. The image we are seeing around the Kent/London borders is not of anything as simple a robot, it is in fact a highly advanced metallic humanoid shell designed to make the lusty, sex-starved, out-of-galaxy intruder inside it look vaguely earth-like, even playful. God only knows what hulking great dangers lurk within.”
Dec 3. Tragic news, the giant alien phallus has vanished as mysteriously as it arrived. Effete El tells us: “This happens quite frequently with alien artifacts. There is a good chance there will be another one popping up soon. But at eight-foot-high with a five-foot girth it may take some time to erect.”
Dec 2. There’s a slight delay on the giant alien penis shot as our chief snapper, Jim Jimmy James couldn’t get down to Chelsfield tonight. It’ll definitely be up tomorrow. (Ooh-erh missus.)
Dec 1. A very strange thing has happened. A giant wooden phallus has been erected outside of Nads HQ in beautiful downtown Chelsfield. The Jolly Pranksters have denied responsibility so we can only assume that the guilty party is that alien who is stalking Shona Wattsie Watts. Our science correspondent Effete El tells us: “This is a big penis, eight-foot-high with a five-foot girth. It bears little relationship to anything here on earth so the only logical explanation is that has been planted to woo Wattsie by a mysterious interplanetary being from a far distant galaxy.” That seems entirely reasonable. We’ll get a picture tomorrow.