Please note the items you are about to read consist largely of scurrilous gossip, vicious back-stabbing and idle speculation. As Jon Stewart might say, its stories are not fact checked. Its informants are not journalists. And its opinions are not fully thought through.
Dec 24. Merry Christmas to all our readers, moles, sources and minders. If we’ve upset anyone over the past year, then we would like to sincerely say, from the bottom of our hearts: “Gertcha, ya big snowflakes – there’s much worse to come!” Have a good break, we’ll see you in the New Year with BIG NEWS, even bigger than the Rejects’ BIG NEWS. Honest! Oi!
STOP PRESS. We’re hearing sad news that Bob Kavanagh of Cork Oi band the Jollars and Dublin Ska band the Hacklers has passed away. Our condolences to his family and friends. R.I.P.
Dec 23. Chaos threatened to engulf yesterday’s 1805 planning meeting as their traditional pub venue teetered on the verge of unseasonal violence. The blame can be placed firmly on the Midget Protection League, one of whom foolishly tried to get physical with Steve Whale after being wound up by Gangsta Lisa. Too risky or what? Mercifully a leading local Prankster, dressed as Father Christmas, had the aggressive short-arse escorted out of the premises for his own protection. Pub regular Fat Col reports: “Obviously the 1805 boys were never in any danger, but the brethren will not allow the MPL to gain a foothold anywhere in Bexley borough or to sabotage the great work the Committee does on behalf of Street-Punk. Therefore either me, or Newbridge Kenny (aka the Derby Streaker), will henceforth be present in ‘the office’ whenever the 1805 convene no matter how many pints of Paulaner and shots of spiced rum we are forced to consume to do our duty.” Well said. To order brethren...
Rumours and whispers: Chelsea Dom to guest on bass for the Donkey Laugh single... Terence Hayes, DM, preparing to record his solo ep next Easter... Grade 2 expected to write an actual song in 2020... Jenny Woo version of Unforgiven dubbed “Cher does Rodgers & Hammerstein” by Rejects insider...
Dec 22. Last night’s Business event was a solid gold, soar-away success, notes Fat Col, who was among the pilchard-packed punters enticed into the 100 Club by the promoters FireRegulationsAreForWimps.com (AKA Human Punk). Old faces including Martin Smith, Schitzy and Frankie Flame rubbed shoulders with the likes of Si Spanner, Beki Bondage, Carrie “The Goddess” Griffiths, Jo Barnet, Rudi Guere, Geno Blue and Kev The Hammer, not to mention a Gonads away team of birthday girl Wattsie Watts, Aitch, The Beast, Paul Power (formerly SkaNad) and Miss Management who gleefully invaded the stage for Harry May. All the bands on the bill were “the bollocks”, Col tells us, despite the club’s new sound desk causing more sound problems than tinnitus. But the over-all verdict of the hundreds of herberts in attendance was that, in the words of Effete El, “not only should this not be the last ever Business event it MUST NOT BE.” Over to you, lads.
Happy bOifday to Wattsie Watts! 21 again! (Insert your own jokes here – not you, Col!).
Dec 20. Dire news chums. Lord Waistrel has been more aloof than usual since his pal Boris swept to power. He and his well-heeled City slicker pals have been “afloat in an ocean of Dom Perignon Cuvée Moet” all week but he has found time to appoint his “niece”, Stephanie “Stiffy” Bing as our acting manager. This is a worrying development as Stiffy’s main goal appears to be to drag us kicking and screaming into the sparkling void that is international showbiz and light entertainment. There is talk of cruise ships, gymkhanas, debutante balls, pantomimes, nightclub gigs and even of us doing a “cabaret season” in Las Vegas at the Trump Hotel with matinees, showgirls and a horn section (trumpets and stuff, not Fat Col – Ed). Friends, we cannot allow this abomination to happen. We need you to help our real manager, the divine Miss Management, find us honest, backstreet, spit-and-sawdust punk gigs over the next 12months to keep the Cabaret Gonads at bay and the Street-Punk Gonads alive. All genuine gig offers will be considered. Why, we’ve even agreed to be part of Human Punk’s ten-band mega-event at the Tufnell Park Dome on Saturday 12th December next year. We might get around to recording our long-promised Christmas drinking single too. The ‘Keep Us Street’ campaign starts here! Over to you...
Perhaps the most extraordinary development in our brief absence concerns the remarkable fate of young Terence Hayes who is “PM” no longer. According to our sources, at the conclusion of last weekend’s riotous Pranksters three-dayer “the Paul Newman of Oi” was summoned to a torch-lit ceremony in a darkened forest by priests from the Pranksters’ little discussed spiritual wing, the Church of Oi’s Arboreal Crusaders. Our ashen-faced mole tells us that in the presence of the elite “Cunning Folk” El Tel was “elevated” to the level of Divine Master or DM – apparently the greatest honour available to a living Prankster. Says the anonymous mole: “In Prankster lore the DM is something more than human and more even than grand rank, he is closer to a living god, invested with unique powers by the ancient spirits of England.” Blimey, we say. “But don’t put my effing name in,” he says. We won’t, El, we reply and at that point the word “Bastards!” is muttered and the line goes dead.
Rumours & Whispers: Donkey Laugh are planning to release their debut single Mind Me Ears/Laute Kah next year... the Cockney Rejects’ 40th anniversary gig last Saturday was “a proper triumph” writes Martin Sporrell (aggressive gooner), but will a Postmen live show really follow?... Many of the old Northbrook firm are likely to be at tomorrow night’s big Business event at the 100 Club... a Greek fanzine collector claims to have a rare copy of Gal’s 1977 zine Napalm. We dread to think how much he’d charge for it... the Blades UK said to be “demoing an album’s worth of new material”... and, in breaking gossip, we’ve just heard Fat Col has been nicked again. More news to follow.
Dec 19. Steve Jones had a heart attack three months ago. The Pistols and Greedy Bastards legend spoke candidly about his health problem on his American radio show Jonesy’s Jukebox. The first scare was in August, revealed Steve who went on: “I’m out in Malibu with my buddy, Richard, all of a sudden my face started feeling all wonky. We called a paramedic and went to St John's hospital and did all the checks, kept me there overnight.” He was found to be suffering from Bell's Palsy. “I had no idea what it meant, other than when I smiled I looked like Popeye,” he said. Three weeks later, the guitar legend woke up in the night with a pain in his chest. He drove to am LA hospital and underwent emergency heart surgery. “I had a heart attack and I kept hearing 90 per cent blockage,” he revealed. Although noq back doing the radio show, Jonesy added that he is “on eight or nine medications and I'm getting real weird reactions, dizzy and just out of my mind.” Get well quick mate.
Dec 9. This blog is temporarily closed. In our absence we’d like to remind you that there are three great London gigs to see out the year – the Cockney Rejects at the O2 Islington Academy on December 14th, The Business Event at the 100 Club on the 21st and Donkey Laugh at Arkwright’s Bar, Rainham, on the 23rd. We’ll see you on the other side, take care of yourselves, stay free and may your god go with you.
Dec 8. Here is our guide to the very latest street-merchandise bargains available exclusively from Fat Col’s barrow in Woolwich market: 1) The iWoo – this ingenious device can “Jennify” any Oi song. Guaranteed to make the good bad and the great average! £150 ono. 2) The Wattsie Watts Revenge Kit, contains needle, thread and six sharpened Lego bricks plus instructions, a snip at just £99. 3) The incredible Robo-Lee. Disappointed that Lee Wilson didn’t buy his round? Don’t worry, the battery-operated Robo-Lee is here! This state-of-the-art cyber-spiv is programmed to say “What are you having?” “Drinks are on me!” “My shout!” and “Let’s make it a double!” Turn “Lee” on and his wallet automatically opens (just remember to fill it with fivers first). Price: two-bob! 4) The Hayesometer! This simple electronic tool can translate whole sentences about Wossname and “you know ’oo” into comprehensible English (like the Galometer but slightly more advanced). You’ll never miss a story again! Just £999.95) The inflatable Beki (That’s enough merch! – Blog Ed).
Official notice: Lord Waistrel has asked us to point out that he has NOT yet given his permission for a punkabilly Gonads project “or any other deranged deviation” from his grand plan. A spokesman says: “Although his Lordship is always open to ideas, he has made it very clear that the next two official albums will be 18 Stone Of Dynamite and Gal’s solo project. After they have been released we can have a conversation.”
Dec 7. It was the Gonads unofficial “Guerrilla Christmas” ruby last night (the official Xmas curry is in January for reasons too tedious to explain). Although many things were discussed over the course of the five hour booze-athon the only thing we can remember is Wattsie’s shock confession that she once sewed Lego bricks into her ex-husband’s socks in revenge for some trivial matter. We don’t know what shocked us most: that she has psychopathic tendencies or that she can sew.
Actually, bits of the night are slowly floating back through the alcoholic haze, including vague plans to play dates in Finland and, after eighteen pints of Paulaner, Gal and Paul decided it was time for the Gonads to record a psychobilly album with “an acoustic stand-up slap-string bass thing”. If either of them recall the details we’ll let you know.
Oi The Questions: 1) does the great “Lego confession” controversy mean the lyrics of Mistress Material will have to be completely rewritten? 2) Will the time ever be right for a Barney & The Rubbles revival? 3) What were the contents of “Maggie’s little book” as referred to by Infa Riot in Each Dawn I Die? 4) Will Jenny Woo ever be forgiven for what she’s done to Unforgiven?
Dec 6. Music noos: The Selecter have been confirmed for Jools Holland’s Hootenanny on BBC2, New Year’s Eve, no word on Dom’s IBS... The Cro-Mags’ new seven-inch single From The Grave (Victory Records) is out now on colour vinyl featuring Motorhead’s Phil Campbell on guitar; b/w PTSD and the instrumental Between Wars... and don’t forget dirty reggae herberts the Aggrolites play the New Cross Inn tonight.
Congrats to Stalin who is now officially a Grandad. Little Ernesto Vladimir Rosa Fidel Corbyn-Hallam was born this morning and has already submitted his first crooked postal vote.
Dec 5. Blink 182 have released a new Xmas track called Not Another Christmas Song. It’s “pretty shit”, according to noted music expert Fat Col. We await the great sage’s next review with baited breath. Keep him away from Jenny Woo.
Dec 4. Prankster announcement: the Festivus weekender kicks off on Friday 13th at That Suffolk Place. Brethren are advised not to French kiss the ferrets. For the full programme, and to book your seat for Fat Col’s Punkerella, see your tyler.
Who will be next to face Five Beeries, Five Queries? The frontrunner is Micky Geggus but there’s a lot of money piling on to Lord Waistrel’s mate Lord Archer. Meanwhile the odds are lengthening on Tim “Moonstomp” Wells who is far too busy hanging around with posh anarcho-babes to buckle down to the serious business of book promotion on the world’s premiere punk blog.
Fat Col is furious. What, again? you ask. Yes but this time it’s political. “I’ve got no bleedin’ Brexit Party candidate to vote for in Plumstead,” he moans. “So I’ll have to catch the sodding bus to Eltham.” D’oh! No-one tell him.
Breaking news: Nikki Sixx has just called Nads HQ in beautiful downtown Seasalter to tell us that Motley Crue are back! They’ll be touring the US next summer with Def Leppard, Joan Jett and Poison.
DEC 3. The ROCK and ROLL CIRCUS returns to Hackney on New Year’s Eve! To see in 2020, the New Untouchables have three live bands – The Baron Four, The Cretins and the Liquorice Experiment at Paper Dress Vintage, a three room gaff opposite Hackney Central station. DJs are Rob Bailey, Lee Petryszyn, Tomoko Kazekami, John the Revelator, Dave Flynn, Yann Vatiste, Manuel Lovisutti, Jack Gadsden, Vinny Baker, Gary Milan, Max Newman & Francois Nordmann, Jim Edwards & Scarlett May O'Malley who will spin the best Rhythm & Blues, Garage Rock, Psychedelic, Northern Soul, Funk, Ska and Reggae party choons vintage vinyl. There will also be a light show, dancers and magician. All for £15 - tickets here.
Dec 2. Saturday night’s big Oi gig in north London was enlivened by East End Badoes drummer Cherry who turned up as drunk as 1,000 sailors and nearly fell from his drum stool before their set at the Boston Arms even started. Eye-witnesses claim that Chezza only managed to stay on the stool by “waving his arms about like an American weather forecaster in hurricane season”. But Slippery Ted defends the great clown saying: “Don’t mock Cherry, it was one of the great drunken Oi performances of all time, on a par with Gentleman John after he necked the whole band rider at the Garage when the Gonads supported the UK Subs and had to be propped up against a speaker to keep him upright.” Other great half-cut moments in streetpunk history include the Rejects on Top Of The Tops for Bubbles, the Blood in the recording studio drinking cleaning fluid and coke cocktails, and Gal on stage at the Circus Tavern in 2007 after knocking back fifteen pints of Stella on an empty stomach and “wandering off” between songs. Those were the daze, old chums...
No sooner did we publish a few lines about the PM’s game-changing solo EP than the great man was deluged with offers from leading Oi personalities who want to be involved. Speaking on Tel’s behalf, a stern-faced Fat Col advises musicians and fans alike to “back off and give this vital project room to breathe,” adding “If we want ya, we’ll call ya.”( Whether Tel wants Col involved is another matter).
Well this is surprising. According to Chelsea Paul most surviving members of the original League of Labour Skins are backing the Brexit Party where candidates are available. “They reckon Corbyn’s Labour ain’t working class,” he says with a shrug.
Dec 1. Septic Peg, who has taken over from Frankie “Boy” Flame as the seer-in-chief to herberts and hooligans, contacts Nads HQ in Seasalter with a dire warning. “Beware a threat from the West,” she tells Fit Bird in a croaking monotone, adding “an American pretender who is not American, very persuasive but extremely deluded will promise much and deliver sweet fuck-all”. Ever the diplomat Fit Bird tells us she “told the daft old bat she was three years too late and ’ung up on ’er, didn’ I?”